A potential disaster was averted today. Today we noticed mold in the downstairs bathroom. Fortunately, it was only on the surface and was able to be wiped off. I bleached the area down and have the dehumidifier going to get rid of the moisture. Keeping my fingers crossed that it is taken care of. 

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I went to my counselor today and for the first time in weeks the knot in my stomach disappeared. The anxiety is gone for the moment. It is such a great feeling to feel 'normal' even for a few hours. If you have never experienced anxiety I can describe it like this...When you know someone is going to jump out at you and your adrenals are on alert. They finally jump out at you and you startle. That is how it is to live with anxiety only it goes on for hours and hours at a time. And it is not fun or silly. It is terrifying. For me there are so many symptoms that go with my anxiety they are too numerous to mention. It is only in the last few days I have been really paying attention to the symptoms and being Mindful of them. If I can get a hold of the symptoms and what they feel like I can recognize them for what they are...just symptoms. The problem with the symptoms  (like a knot in my stomach, heart palpitations, feelings of choking etc.) is they in themselves are frightening and I start to pay attention to the symptom (which increases my anxiety) instead of trying to figure out what caused the symptom in the first place. For example, one of the things that causes me anxiety is just getting in the morning. One of the symptoms that I feel is like I am choking. I then start to get panicky because I feel like I am choking and don't pay any attention to why I felt nervous in the first place...which is getting up in the morning. And around it goes. Never dealing with the problem and only paying attention to the symptoms. However, if it were only that easy! My mind is always going and making judgments and it takes a tremendous amount of work to sift through and find the judgments that are holding me back. Obviously I have a lot to learn on the subject but I am beginning to get an understanding of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and how it can help. 

My counselor today had so many great suggestions. When I think about them they seem so sensible and logical. But in my depressed and anxious brain they don't just come to me like that of a normal person. To add to that I am a child of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. In no way am I judging them, after all my own children are being raised by a codependent mother! The majority of people do their best with what they are given. All we can do is try to learn and work on our defects of character. 

Anyway, time for a cup of Valerian root tea, which my counselor wholeheartedly endorsed for anxiety and sleep.