I had some thoughts over the last few days. One of them is how ill-equipped I am to deal with life. I was born into an alcoholic home and learned to keep quiet, to not make waves and never ever make the alcoholic mad. It was a lesson of walking on eggshells. It didn't matter what my personality was, I just learned that it was wrong and it made the alcoholic angry. So, I suppressed it. While growing up, long after the alcoholic left I kept doing what I had been doing. Pleasing. Keeping quiet. Don't make people angry. It was all I knew. You would think after 42 years that I would have learned to cope better and in some ways I have. You can't go 42 years and not learn at least something. But there are definitely some traits that are just as strong today as they were when I was a 3 year old girl. Don't make people mad. Go out of your way to please. Never, ever give up trying to please, even if it makes you sick. And fear. Fear has followed me my whole life. My first memories, even before I had words were that of fear, terror really. Terror upon terror. Add all those traits together and you get me. Depressed. Anxious (always anxious) and full of fear. Throw in any amount of dysfunction and I lose it. I just do not have the tools that emotionally stable people have. If I get into a situation where there is a lot of stress and anger I become the woman I hate. She screams and yells and interrupts. She panics. Oh, god does she panic. My coping tools are busted and are of no use.
That brings me to now. I need to go and find out coping mechanisms that will serve me better. But it is not easy. My personality traits are woven into the tapestry that makes me. The highly sensitive pleaser makes me awesome in my job. In the case of my job it is not so much that I want to please but to make the people I care for to be in the best place they can in their last stages of living. It brings me joy to know I made a difference in someones life while they were coming to the end.
But that desire to make someone comfortable doesn't really serve me in my everyday life. And yet, that is all I want. I want everyone to be happy. And so it goes, all the way back the that 3-year old child.
I am told that there is no fast way out of this. It will be a lifetime learning, a practice. I need to accept that it is OK to screw up. It is not OK to scream and yell and interrupt but I am human and those are the defects of character I have taken on. I will always have to be aware of them and work at doing things differently. (At this point I have no idea what that looks like.)
Going to Al Anon helps. So far I have cried at every meeting. When I am around others who are just like me I can see the sun peeking out just a little bit. That sun is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe it wont but it is Progress not Perfection. I am making progress. I am.
And... I am having a giveaway to celebrate blogging for 10 years! Yes, 10 years! I have had different blogs that fit with that time of my life but my first post was February 6, 2004. For the giveaway I want to keep it to people who actually read my blog and we have interacted some way. So let me know if you want to enter. What I am giving away is a surprise but it is a book that I just love and makes me happy whenever I read it. And right now I can say I wish I could send something to all of you lovelies. Draw will be on February 6th in the morning.
The idea that you had to be careful not to anger grownups is what I went through too. But my mother wasn't an alcoholic. She was a beater.
ReplyDeleteShe would get mad at the slightest thing, and we would pay for it. She took it out on us kids. The worst abuse a woman can do to her child is saying she wished we were never born. So we, my sisters and brothers tried to stay out of her way or please her by doing chores. Sometimes it worked, many times it didn't.
I hate her for it to this day. She was unhappy because things in her life didn't turn out the way she wanted.
Leeanna, I never thought I'd come across someone who's mother was as bad as mine. I hate her so much that I haven't seen her for over 20 years and I'm happier for it.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, I can't tell you how to be less anxious because I still spend my life "pleasing" usually with disastrous consequences. You are not alone remember that.
Blogging is your way of being yourself, of having your own voice. It shows that you are capable of getting out of this. It may not happen overnight, but who knows what can happen in a year's time?
ReplyDeleteHave you read the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics?" It helped me figure out why I am the way I am too. There has to be a time in life where we take charge and responsibility for our own happiness. Sure, these people screwed us up, but we have within us the power to heal ourselves. Take that little three year old. Write her a letter. Tell her what she needs to hear. Seriously, I did that and it healed my heart.
ReplyDeleteWe each only get one life. It's up to us to make the absolute best of it. Keep going to Al-Anon, I think it's cracking you open and that's a good thing!
I was really hoping the giveaway would be that stupid pig, but I'm cool I anything. I'm in!
There was no alcohol in my family. However there was fear. Fear of God, fear of elders and fear of punishment by God if we did any thing wrong. Even as a little girl, I would come up with questions like, " Why fear? why not love? Sooner or later I came to a conclusion that leaders are probably not into psychology of children. So I don't have to worry.
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ReplyDeleteI am thrilled for you that you are peeking at that LIGHT at the end of what I know is along tunnel.
I have every confidence that step by step you'll come fully into that light and then be ready to hold out your experienced and wise hand to others who are in darker part of that tunnel, till. I am wishing it for you~!
all you have ever been thru has a purpose. hining my own Light togive you something bright to head to..
big southern hugs
Sonny
I pretty much grew up the same way. My father was an angry, and I now realize, depressed man. We all walked on eggshells to avoid upsetting him because everything upset him and set him off.
ReplyDeleteThen there was my alcoholic brother in law whom I spent a lot of time with because he was not to be trusted alone with his kids, so I babysat my sister's kids while he drank. And my parent's were okay with this. WTF!
It just went on from there and now I'm 51 and not so different from you Birdie. I am highly sensitive which is why I think I had such a hard time in my family. I still am highly sensitive but now I understand it better and have more control over my environment and life so I can manage it better.
As for the coping skills I learned as a small child, they served me well as a small child but I think I was about the same age as you when I started to understand that that I was no longer that small girl, I needed some new skills. For the past ten years that's what I've been doing.
I would have to say I have been only marginally successful because when things get bad I always revert back to my old ways. When there is conflict, I hide.
So be kind to yourself and the little girl who learned how to protect herself so long ago. She served you well and now it's time to learn new ways and yes, it's just hard work. Baby steps woman.
Sending hugs.
Well, you know my story, or most of it. Father an alcoholic, stepfather a sexual abuser, Mother an unhappy, bitter woman who hid her head in the sand and did not protect her children. Plenty of good times in my house!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, it is so hard to unweave that tapestry. To try and realize that what was appropriate no longer is and in fact, makes us sick.
But. We can try.
Do you read Syd's blog? He is very much involved in Al Anon. http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/
And he's a good person and he is proof that a different way of living can be achieved.
You are taking two steps forward and three steps back but little by little you are progressing and I can see it and feel it. I believe you shall win the battle with the black dog. My bets are on you:)
ReplyDeleteIt's a big moment in life when we realize that we learned dysfunctional coping skills and choose to learn new ones that serve us better. More power to you, Birdie! You can do it.
ReplyDeleteWe learn whatever our environment exposed to us as we're growing up. It's only later in life that we realize that those methods might not necessarily work for us, and may in fact jeopardize our health. A few tweaks here and there, and you may discover better and healthier ways of coping. But it takes time. Old habits die hard.
ReplyDeleteCount me in on your giveaway! And thank you!
Wow, that is a lot of personal insight. If you do find new, real, working coping skills, please share. I think we can all use the help.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely like to throw my hat into the ring, but I can't read, is that a problem?
I'm so proud of you. This sounds so positive. It might feel like you have a lot to unlearn (relearn?) but you have a clear view of what it is. That's a huge step. X
ReplyDeleteI'm with you all the way,Birdie♥️
ReplyDeleteI...too...am a pleaser...
Not from any abuse of any kind...just the way my adult life turned out....can be pretty darned lonely, for sure!
I really think you are onto something...
Nothing but positive thoughts for you, dear....
Cheers and hugs....
Linda :o)
We're all on a lifelong journey; the key thing is to keep pressing on! And thinking right! Wonderful that you're making steady progress. And wow -- blogging for 10 years? Amazing!
ReplyDeleteI was going to post when I first read this post Birdie but it made me cry so much. I did not even get to the part about the giveaway. Anyway I am back. Like AJ and others have said you are already doing so well just recognising these things. The positives and the not so. Yes it is a lifetimes work. Sometimes when I think about that I want to lay down I am so tired. I am with you. Being a quiet pleaser who lost her identity for many many years , and someone who finds overwhelm hits often, I recognise something of what you say. I grew up In my very earliest years in a home where there was domestic violence. I don't remember very much about all that and wonder if I was kept away from itt as I was the youngest. However I do remember later interactions in my new family that made me want to please and be afraid to be myself. I also saw some violence and bullying behaviour in my birth family as I continued to visit. I was the lucky one I often think. So why am I so afraid and anxious and so down on myself sometimes? Sometimes most of the time. Then I think of the impact all of that had on my own ability to parent. Just to be an adult without the responsibility of a child was hard enough though at the time I felt I was so together. Questions questions. It all happened and this is who we are and we are brave and thoughtful people who deserve some freedom from these old patterns which served us well but are now not needed. Xxx
ReplyDeleteSo many strong, courageous people--you, Birdie, and those who have shared in their comments. I appreciate everyone for their openness. I think a lot of us can relate, for a variety of reasons. I too am a pleaser because of my mom's depression. As a child I felt responsible for her happiness. I still feel that way sometimes and she's 80 years old! But we can learn and change and be kind to ourselves. Like lily cedar said, those skills protected you when you were younger--honor that. Honor yourself for where you are right now too. Being so self-aware is a really good thing. I believe you will find a way to grow out of those feelings/actions that have been so ingrained in you.
ReplyDeleteCount me in your drawing! You're so sweet to think of your internet community!
I am so sorry to hear that you had such an alcoholic parent who taught you yo fear and caused you to please everyone...but I am so impressed by your ability to overcome that and be such a loving mother to your children... you have broken the vicious cycle of alcoholism... thank goodness for your mother's influence... God bless her soul.... thinking of you and sending you love.
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