You know how you can be going along, dragging yourself if need be. Then all of a sudden you fall back about 28 steps. That was my last two days. I am depressed, tired, overwhelmed and anxious.I was getting ready to go back to work and then I found out I have to sit in front of a board and explain why I think I should be able to go back to work. Isn't a note from my physician enough? Just thinking about this damn meeting has put me in a tailspin.
Then this afternoon my car battery died. I asked three different people for a jump (I carry cables) and they none of them would do it! WTF? I have never refused anyone a jump before. It is just one of those things you do for people. It takes a couple of minutes. Anyway, I had to call a tow truck and the tow truck guy came out and jumped my car. $42.00 later. I would like to know where I was when the memo was handed out that humans are no longer giving each other a jump when their car battery dies.
And there are all these other things going on and I just feel horrible and sad. Not sad. Depressed. Like all the work has been for nothing. The last two months I have done every single thing that was suggested for me to do and then some. Though I no longer want to die I am not feeling any happiness or joy. It feels like I am just waiting around to decided what to do next. Live or die.
I am just so tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I don't just feel it, I know it. I don't process life like other people do. Everybody is figuring out things better and faster than I am. People seem to be happy. Most days are a struggle for me. I don't remember the last time I was really happy. My kids bring me tremendous joy but I am talking about being happy. I fucking hate feeling depressed and anxious. I can say from the bottom of my heart that I am doing everything I can to not play the victim here. I really don't want to feel this way. If I want attention I have other better ways of getting it. In fact, I want so little attention that nobody outside my family knows what is going on with the exception of my doctor and counselor. I don't even share everything with my husband. I am nothing more than a millstone around his neck. Even on my blog I don't say half of what I feel. The last thing I want is attention or for people to feel sorry for me.
This used to be my go to song when I had a bad Day...http://youtu.be/gH476CxJxfg
ReplyDeleteThat's all you've had. A couple of bad days. You've identified why, now you just have to sit in the feelings until they pass. They will pass. They WILL. They're just feelings.
Sorry to hear no one jumps there. I live in a snowbelt and many of us carry jumpers and it's just what we do here.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if this would help but how about a big blanket, cuppa and a Lucy Marathon?
Some times life is just hard.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd have thrown a rock at anyone who wouldn't give me a jump. You are way more civilized than I am.
I would have to argue the one statement you made, most people seem happy. I find the opposite, most people are not happy, most people carry their own sadness around all the time, they just hide it. Everybody has shit. You're not the only one, trust me.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs woman.
Yep, I'm with lily cedar on this one. Most people aren't happy. You just think they're happier than you. But we aren't. We're all every bit as down as you are, it's just that we've learned the tricks and we've been practising them for a while now. So we don't look so bad.
ReplyDeleteThink bruises. You know. Long after they happened they are still there. Some days they hurt, some days they don't. Every day they are very stupid colours in anything you like from blue to green to yellow to brown or even black. (I currently have a sort of cranberry coloured one on my foot. No idea how it happened......)
The thing is, your emotions are bruised. And your mind is going through all those stupid colours. And some days it hurts. And when people are sh*tty or your car breaks down, it's like giving that bruise an extra slap.
But gradually IT IS getting better. A few weeks ago you couldn't even face blogging. But look at you here and talking to us again.
You are doing so well. Stop beating yourself up (and that emotional bruise).
Sometimes, the only way to get through something is to surround yourself with happy people... or survivors... my sister has a stressful job but I am still awed as to how she handles this.. and to top that off, she doesn't get a day off on being the mother of her teenagers... how she does it, I still have to figure out.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you have a friend who is like my sister.
If you want to overcome a giant obstacle, start with doing something you thought you'd never do. Get a dog... write a book in wattpad... join a dance class... just do something new.
I agree with lily and MorningAJ.
ReplyDeleteyeah, there are mean people out there (the guy who didn't give your battery a boost).
"I don't process life like other people do." - Some of use are more sensitive to what happens around us.
"People seem to be happy." -
That's what is is for many. "Seem"
"I am nothing more than a millstone around his neck." - Maybe that's just how you feel.
Hope you'll have a better day today.
I know exactly what you are talking about, Birdie. Exactly.
ReplyDeleteAnd perhaps this is all part of it- the insidious disease we suffer from. We have to know that we will recover. Hang in there.
Okay?
Me too.
Don't be too hard on yourself! This time of year doesn't help either. Winter with its shorter days contributes to bad moods and depression. Spring will come, the days will get longer, and that will help a little.
ReplyDeleteAlso, not everyone is as happy as you think. Sometimes they just want others to think they are. They portray a happy image for their own reasons, whatever that may be.
Perception is reality, and your perception right now is a little murky. When you start to feel better, your perception will change. Give it some time. I know you're tired of hearing that, but some things take time. And sometimes it's a long process!
I've never heard of needing a meeting to get back to work. That seems odd. Why would no one give you a jump? Unless they were in a hurry, there's no point in not helping.
ReplyDeleteHopefully you can unwrap yourself from the sadness soon.
I hope tou feel better by now
ReplyDeleteLove you sweetie. It feel so frustrating for me to think of you not telling Anton and feeling so alone. There are so many folk out there who feel similar feelings and understand. Not exactly but.... Xx
ReplyDeleteI feel it with you. I'm there right now--I finally started feeling better (not happy mind you, but better, and I was grateful for that) and then I started sliding again. This last time hasn't lasted as long though, and talking with my therapist has really helped.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is just hang in there. People like us need to believe, or at least hope, that there will come a time when we are depression-free for a good chunk of our lives. I'm hoping, right there with you.