Friday, January 17, 2014
First, this short video is awesome. Watch it if you have the time...
That feeling I described yesterday is gone. That knot that I said had left is back. And the very thought brings me to tears. This time I am Mindful of what caused it. I know exactly why I am in this space but that does not get rid of the anxiety. Maybe I am missing something with this Mindfulness which admittedly I know very little to nothing about. I am supposed to sit with the feeling but when I do the tears come. I am fucking tired of tears. All they seem to do is mess up my glasses. The tears don't heal or bring a resolution to the problem. No, the problem lurks and waits for me around corners of my home, in my car or the grocery store. Obviously I am missing something with the C.B.T./Mindfulness.
It is a gorgeous sunny day here and I don't have the energy to go out into it. I am beginning to hate this blog because it has become a dark hole representing how I feel. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be out of this dark space. The Black Dog doesn't appear that he has any intention of leaving. Maybe I should force myself out for a walk, even just around the block. Check back later to see if I managed it.
Going for a walk goes something this...
(after standing grumpily with his arms crossed) All right. I'll swing by for a minute, allow them to envy me, grab a handful of popcorn shrimp and blow outta there. (heads for the door, then stops abruptly and returns nervously) But what if it's a cruel prank? What if it's a cash bar?! How dare they! (scowls, then calms down) All right, I'll go. But I shall be fashionably late. No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! (groans in frustration) Definitely not. (firmly, heading for the door with his hand behind his back) All right! I've made my decision! I'm going! And that's that! (shows his hand) Ah! Had my fingers crossed. - The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
OK, I went for a walk by the river. I feel a little better.
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Thanks for sharing the video. I watched it two times just now. I pray for the day when no one judges any one.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself.
SUCH A POWERFUL VIDEO. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHugs - and congratulations on getting out for that walk.
Glad you're feeling a little better. That's very cool.
ReplyDeletePS: I don't know who One Day Tech is or if I followed the blog before. I asked what blog he/she had before but got no answer. Or, not yet anyway.
I'm glad you ended up feeling better. I think taking a walk can certainly help. Try it when you can. Fresh air. New surroundings. Different sounds. Sometimes just getting away from our home base can make a difference. One day at a time, Birdie. You'll see; things will get better. Slowly, but surely.
ReplyDeleteGetting out of your head and into your body is key. Force yourself to move, be it a walk or a bike ride or ten jumping jacks. Man, at the height of my anxiety phase, I could walk for a million miles. I was like Forest Gumps every time things got even a little uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteWhen this has passed, you'll be glad you wrote about it.
Yes, you will be out! I promise. Winter is the suckiest time, especially if it's the time you have a big crash. I've been there. Keep on going.
ReplyDeleteYou don't realise but you have come so far already. I know it feels like you've slipped back and that the dog is never going to leave. But he's actually a lot further back than he used to be. Sure, he's still there, but he's not biting at your heels any more. Keep walking. He'll get bored eventually. xx
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to "sit with the feelings" you can proactively do things to alter the mood. You are the owner of the feelings, not the other way around.
ReplyDeleteBelieve in yourself. This too shall pass.
For me blogging is a way to take my mind off of things. Try to think of something fun to do or get with some old friends. Just like Pickelope said this too shall pass..
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you forced yourself outside. I've missed the last two days of jogging and part of me has a real "can't make me" attitude about it. But you did it, and I bet it took a monumental amount of energy. Way to go!
ReplyDeleteCBT takes time, and there will be relapses for sure. Hang in there, my dear. And good for you for going on that walk.
ReplyDelete