Wednesday, July 06, 2011

I'm Not an Artist...

I am not an artist but I do like to draw stuff every so often.  Sometimes after I wake up I will see a picture in my head and attempt to draw it.  I came home this afternoon after loading a bin of demolition crap.  I was so tired when I got home I fell into a restless sleep.  I don't remember having dreams about my mom but I must have because when I woke up I felt overwhelmed with sadness.  I saw this picture in my head.  It is me and the colour  is draining out of me; out of my life.  I have so much to be glad about, I do and I am grateful but there is a box in the corner of my spirit that has "My Mom is Dying" on it.  I do not have to look in the box for the most part but there are times when it forces itself directly in front of me and I have to examine the contents.  So I do.  When I open it a vacuum sucks all the colour from me.  I feel myself turning grey.  I try to shut the box but it stays open.  We are told we need to deal with our demons.  Aren't I supposed to open the box and deal with the fear inside?  If I do it is going to kill a part of me.  It is going to win.  I need to be honest and admit that life will not be the same ever again after my mom dies.  The grief will never go away.  I will never stop missing her.  That is the vacuum that is inside the box.  It is taking a part of me.  And it can't be stopped.

14 comments :

  1. TaboulehJuly 06, 2011

    Take it one step at a time my lovely... yes, you will always miss your mother but she will be with you always... you carry a piece of her in you forever... you will see her through your children and later your grandchildren...
    One step at a time...

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  2. AnonymousJuly 06, 2011

    It will hurt and the grief will never completely go away but it will get better, slowly. Take care woman.

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  3. michelleJuly 07, 2011

    Came by way of Elizabeth @ moon and shell because I LOVE the idea of feeding my kids the way I feed my cats...

    My mom passed a year ago. Though I'm guessing your relationship with yours is very different than mine is/was from mine, I will say the grief lasts but diminishes and my best advice is say what you need to say NOW. It will make a world of difference.

    good luck to you

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  4. erinJuly 07, 2011

    after all periods of greyness colour slowly comes back. gentler colour that has a sweet taste to the soul.

    your image is gorgeous, you know. you are not being drained. you are giving your strength. you are carrying an angel.

    what an interesting mind you have to see in such images.

    xo
    erin

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  5. HilaryJuly 07, 2011

    I just read this and your previous post (blood donations) and all I can say is that you'll cope because you have to. You've no other option and you hate it but you'll get through it.

    Your life's colours draining out of you is much like giving blood. You lose some. But you don't lose all of it. It hurts. But it gets better. You'll never get it back but soon the other colourful parts of your life will help to make it bearable to do without.

    You will survive. I'm just so sorry that you're going through so much pain.

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  6. Ms. MoonJuly 07, 2011

    There is no easy way out of this, is there? I think it is incredibly healthy for you to use words and pictures to really show how you feel. The box, once opened, no, cannot be shut and there is nothing to be done except to learn how to deal with it. I'm so sorry.

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  7. Kim@stuffcould....July 07, 2011

    I think this pic explains a lot of the grief. It is nice that you can put on paper, what you saw in your dream

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  8. SandyCarlsonJuly 07, 2011

    My heart goes out to you. Hard times that take so much out of you. I am sorry. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart.

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  9. janJuly 07, 2011

    Arms reaching out to wrap around you. That's what your picture(and words) makes me want to do. x

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  10. OfeliaJuly 07, 2011

    Birdie, it will not be same but you will make it through to a new reality without forgetting the joys and pain of the special relation you had with your mom.

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  11. OmgrrrlJuly 08, 2011

    Love.

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  12. SECRET PEPPER PERSON:July 08, 2011

    My mom and I had a difficult relationship and were not close but I still miss her. A couple years ago I had the most horrific personal trial and in a dream my mom was standing in front of me telling me it was all going to be all right in the end. It was so vivid! You are in my prayers. And remember that grief is an individual thing....anyway you grieve is OK.

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  13. nazeletJuly 09, 2011

    The picture is lovely, keep drawing. A word or two about, little boxes and demons. There is a time for everything. Right now is not the time for you to think about negotiating with your demons or opening & closing little boxes of pain and fear. Right now all your energies are being used to move from one day to the next and keeping your nose above the water. You are already grieving and will for some time, but grief changes in time, yet never fully leaves us. It just turns into something else. Birdie you are so vulnerable right now. It's not the time to face fears or worry about boxes. You have to feel these feelings, however overpowering they are. Hold your little niece and breathe in her healing energy.
    Birdie, you must be kinder to yourself. I think of you everyday as do so many of the people that care about you.
    Also, I want to say you will not lose a part of yourself and it's not about winning or losing. When your mom is gone there will be more of you because so much of her will be left in your loving care.

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  14. AnonymousJuly 10, 2011

    This is one of the most powerful pieces of art I have ever seen. My heart breaks for you and what you are enduring.

    You do not have to open the box all at once for your trauma will seep gently out as your Spirit is ready to face each moment of what is now and what will be. Be as kind to yourself as you would someone you love.

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Come Let Us Reason Together...
Isaiah 1:18

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