I woke up the last two mornings and just felt so lost. I feel like I am constantly running from grief and then it catches up to me and knocks me down. When I am running I feel like air is being squeezed from my lungs. I get so physically tired. I have been sick now for over 3 weeks and just can't get better. If anything, I am getting worse. Anyway, I blog this and I wonder what the point is. Will I ever not feel lost? Before my mom died I wondered how I could go on after she died. Now I know I am going on and the going on is the worst part. I just want to stop everything.
My job is going well. I really look forward to my days off. Christmas tree is down but boxes are sitting around waiting to be put away.
So, that is about it. I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I am off to have a hot bath and then bed.
Birdie,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are so sad. You sound tired too. We always feel worse when we are tired. When we are grieving, everything seems like such great effort, such a heavy ache. I think we feel lost, because while we are grieving we feel cut off from the things that others are talking about and feeling. We hear them talk about tv shows and we think, who cares? They buy things and we wonder why? What does it matter, none of it matters? We are in our own world of grief and are separated from the trivia of everyday.
I don't know you, but my heart aches right along with yours tonight. From the way that you miss your mom, I can tell she must have loved you very much. I know it might not help all that much, but try to remember that a mother's love never dies. It is with you still; it will be with you always. Let it wrap around you and your family,keeping you warm and close.
Birdie....Gosh I just want to hug you tight! When my father passed away I thought I would never be able to just go on with life as normal again...it took a long time, but it does get easier...I am sure you have heard that from many people...the only thing I can think to say is let yourself just Be...Write and just Be...something tells me that one day you will look back on this blogging and realize that it was the thing that got you through the hard times...Much Love and Light to you!
ReplyDeleteMany warm tight bear hugs to you Barbara...my thoughts are with you... You will come out of this stronger... you just need time... give that to yourself.
ReplyDeletegrief is a timeless thing to pass through. what can i say? i have nothing good or helpful or wise to say. just allow yourself in whatever direction you need to go. allow yourself. one day you'll find yourself in a new place and you'll wonder how you got there.
ReplyDeletei wish it weren't so difficult.)))
xo
erin
I miss my mom too, have missed her since the day she died. But there does come a point in time where you have to consciously make a point to start thinking on the good things, the positive things. Grief is a greedy bastard, and will keep you in it's clutches if you don't make the choice to climb out of it and find good and positive energy for yourself. You love you mom, you always will, but this grief will not magically go away by itself if you allow yourself to wallow in it, and if you wrap yourself up in it, it will smother you.
ReplyDeleteYou need to take a deep breath, and take back your sanity and happiness.
Love and hugs to you girl. You know I write this with nothing but good thoughts for you. No matter how hard it was to actually write it and put it out there.
Trust me, I've been right exactly where you are. I know of what I speak.
I miss my parents too, even after all these years. But I feel that they are with me though. In memories, in pictures, in feelings, comforting me in hard times, smiling when things are good. Yes, I think you will get past that lost feeling but there is no timeframe for that, it's whenever you are ready to allow yourself to. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteGlad your job is going okay!
I haven't put any of our Christmas decorations away yet and the tree is still up. I will hopefully get working on some of that today.
It's a tough road you're on, but it'll get better with time. Have to doubt about that.
ReplyDeleteAs your lawyer, I suggest you get a good book, sit under a shady tree, and try to loose yourself in a good story for a bit. Make sure you have your favorite beverage close at hand!
So sorry for the grief....good that job is going well...hoping for better days
ReplyDeleteI truly believe that the worst is behind you and that it will get better. Waking up is hard but you are doing it.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear the job is going well. When was your last physical? Are you due for a check up?
Birdie, a big hug for you. Guess what, I went to Toronto for Christmas, and I went to sleep in the spare room at my mom's place. I woke up early one morning and decided to go find my mother. As I searched for her, I said, "Mama." I soon realized that I was not in a good place. That she's not alive. I went back to the room and my husband held me tightly. I started to cry.
ReplyDeleteDon't be hard on yourself. I'm trying to be a soldier because I suffered when my sister died. Maybe one day I'll crumble, because, for the most part, I've deliberately numb the pain.
I feel the same way about my dad. All I can say is that it DOES get better. It takes time. Give yourself time. And don't beat youself up about being tidy or doing chores. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou've already learnt the first lesson: life goes on.
ReplyDelete