I started my new position at work last week and it went fine. It makes me feel somewhat better to be caring for others but a big part of me just wants to be cared for in the way I care for my patients.
Maybe I need a vacation. Right now I feel like I am split open and nobody even notices. I am sobbing and nobody cares any more. (Why do I always think any more is one word? Isn't it?) I mean, I should be over this right? It will be 4 months on Friday. 4 months ago I held my mom's hand and watch cancer finally win. I held her hand and watched her take her second to last breath and then 30 seconds later her last. I kept hoping there would be more breaths. That she would start breathing again and open her eyes and all of it was a mistake. She didn't have cancer, she never did. The doctors were wrong. Even now, 4 months later I still think the doctors were wrong. How screwed up is that?
I thought I would be getting better by now but I am not. The loneliness I feel for my mom is huge. I lost the person who has loved me forever. The person that loved me more than anyone is gone.
And I feel guilty for posting these depressing posts over and over again. I want to be funny Birdie again. I want to write silly posts. My grief counsellor and all the books I read on grief promise me that I will have better days. I hope so.
I think this time will pass. Everything does pass. You will never stop missing your mother, but this paralyzing feeling will pass. Sending love and blessings to you, dear Birdie.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say, what would your mum say to you if she could????
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, this too will pass xoxoxox
Oh sweet Barbara... give yourself time... it is ok to feel the way you do... it is natural... she is your mom after all... and it is hard to imagine a life without her... Be gentle and kind to yourself... it is ok... your funny side is there... do not worry about showing it to us yet. The universe will know when is the right time for you to come out of this... be patient and go with it. Lots of loving thoughts and warm hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteFour months is too soon to be calling yourself screwed up for missing your mum! You say you want to be cared for the way you care for your patients. Well, start with yourself. You wouldn't be beating up on one of them for still being upset after only four months, would you?
ReplyDeleteI know from bitter experience that the end of depression starts with being kind to yourself. I also know it's tough.
Take care.
I went to sleep last night, thinking of this and I want you to do something for me. And for your mama. And for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI want you to do something lovely for yourself every day. It might only take a second- put on some perfume that you save for special or make a cup of tea that smells so good you don't even have to drink it to enjoy it. Just sit and enjoy the steam for a few minutes.
Buy one flower, put it in a vase. Put it where no one but you will really see it. It will be just FOR you. Buy a nice cake of soap, hard and luxurious to wash with. Listen to one song that has made you feel something powerful in your life. Buy a beautiful little notebook and a new pen and write your mama a note every day in there. Buy a new pillowcase that feels so soft that it will be like sleeping next to your mama's cheek. Put on your brightest lipstick.
Sit. For five minutes and close your eyes and think of your mother and don't judge anything that comes out of your brain.
Start planning a vacation. You may or may not really take it but start researching where you would go, what you would do.
Go to a vintage store and buy one beautiful hankie. Keep it to wipe your eyes of your precious tears.
Go for a little walk and keep your eyes open and find one lovely small thing you can put in your pocket. A rock, a seed, a dried weed, a feather.
EVERY DAY do one of those things or anything that used to make you happy. Not to make yourself happy because that may not even be remotely possible now. But for me. Do it for me. And for you.
And for your mama who, if she were here, would love that you are doing these things for yourself, her beloved daughter.
P.S. I don't usually give advice. That is not my way. But as I said, I went to bed last night pondering your sadness and this is what came to me and it seemed right and so I am just whispering in your ear and if you think this is all silly, that's okay. You don't have to do any of it.
ReplyDeleteBut I wish you would. At least when you wake up, you will have something to think about- what will your small thing be that day? And when you do it, you will remember me thinking about you, thinking that if had to leave my children (and someday I will) I would like for them to do this.
IMHO, there is nothing wrong with feeling this way after just 4 months! She's not just a parent, but a best friend. Anyone who'd be judgmental about that is just plain idiotic.
ReplyDeleteI love Ms. Moon's suggestions, but more than anything, please just KNOW that it's not just OK to feel this grief, but very normal and healthy.
In college, I had a professor who often told us "The heart is where the dead go." I believe this. Those whom we love are around us and inside us. They want us to treat ourselves as lovingly, with as much support and respect and they'd do if they were still here.
Better days are coming for you, my friend. And, until you begin to feel better -- bit by bit -- please never feel guilty about posting your feelings. We're all listening, and we do care.
Hon, it's been four months, give yourself a break, you don't get over losing your mother in four months. This is a time of learning for you and the work that comes with gaining wisdom is never easy. I know it sounds silly, but nothing lasts forever, and this sadness won't last forever either.
ReplyDeleteYou should have seen some of the things I wrote for the first two years after Katrina, talk about depressing and repetitive. Quit feeling guilty; writing about your grief helps and I don't see anyone here complaining. ; )
It is human nature to resist change. Even when change might be place us in a much better frame of mind.
ReplyDeleteI believe it will pass but it takes time...I lost my Mom 6 years ago and it still hurts in my heart but it has eased greatly.
ReplyDeleteYour blogging slump is just fine...we blog how we feel
It does take time, I miss my Dad at time terribly and talk about him all the time and he passed away in 1999. My Mom passed in 2009 and the grief is much sharper, and I still have an occasional bad day. Its true the missing won't ever go away, but the terrible pain does. It will. Give yourself time to grieve.
ReplyDeleteI think it's natural for you to feel this way. There is no time frame for the grief process. I still miss both my parents, sometimes very strongly, and it's been many years since they've been gone. I still cry now and then.
ReplyDeleteThe depression you are going through is probably contributing, making the grief more intense. Maybe after the new medicine has been in your system awhile you will have some more balance.
Hang in there dear. You will come through it all.
I do like many of Ms. Moon's suggestions. If any of those things speak to you, why not give it a try.
Thanks for sharing the photo of your Mom. She is still with you.
xo
Birdie, I was reading over the comments your friends on here left you and I, who am a new friend, new to your blog, was moved by how many people care about you. Ms. Moon gave you some tender suggestions. All the little joys she mentioned, may not feel joyous yet, but they are indeed ways to be kind to yourself and ways to enjoy being here, which is how your mom would want things for you. Birdie, you will laugh again, and you will feel lighter, but until then, please try to be patient with yourself. Hugsqueeze.
ReplyDeletethere is no timetable. unfortunately. but yet, in time~
ReplyDeletestill, and this doesn't change, she loved you best of all.
xo
erin
grieving... it is something that is oh so personal... and we all do it differently.. it can't be rushed or ignored... there is no prediction about time or feelings... it's a journey that just has to be traveled... i'm so sorry you aren't feeling better, but i am confident that in your own time things will get a bit easier....
ReplyDelete