I don't even know why I am blogging any more. It is not helping. Every day now is worse than the day before. I am thinking this is now bigger than grief and loss. I guess the black dog forced his way in sometime in the last few weeks. I know I need to go to my doctor and get on some new anti-depressants because the ones I am on are most definitely not working.
I just want this long panic attack to stop. I fee like I am dying. I want to die. I wish I was dead and gone from this relentless pain. However, I am stuck here because I would not do that to my kids. I am in hell. There is no peace. I look forward to nothing. Life is like shards of glass on my heart and mind. Everything is beyond darkness. It is drowning me and fear and terror grips every moment of my life. Oh, dear god I want to die. I can't even take a full breath. What am I going to do? There are no answers. I have lived a lifetime of a depressed person with anxiety. I can't do this any more. I wish I was outwardly ill so someone would notice. But nobody does. I am invisible. Maybe I will just fade away. Gone.
Update - A few hours later... I went to work but it I ended early so I wandered around the pharmacy and bought some hair colour and 2 Susan Boyle CD's. My mom speaks to me through music. I am feeling a little better. A little.
Take a deep breath and contact a few friends. Let them know how you're feeling. Call your doctor on Monday and make an appointment. Depression is an ugly thing and your grief intensifies it. Make some calls and put one foot in front of the other until you can leave the clouds behind you. You'll get through this. Hugs.
ReplyDeletePlease for you and your family tell them how you are feeling. Call your Dr.and insist you need to see him/her. Your life is important to not only you but all who are your family and your friends. You are not alone ...ever.
ReplyDeleteI agree totally with Hilary and Ellen. Depression and anxiety ARE diseases and you know it and you deserve not to have to feel this way. I promise- you CAN get help.
ReplyDeleteOh honey. I know. It's awful. I KNOW! But it gets better. I promise you.
I'll add my voice to the others. You have been very strong dealing with the loss of your mother, your grief and the usual trials and tribulations of family. And it's wonderful that you open yourself up and share that grief here. Please call your doctor as soon as you can. I have a sister who has depression and has had terrible episodes on and off for most of her life. She gets better. She is better. You will be, too. Sending love and light from sunny California.
ReplyDeleteI echo the responses from the others. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you are feeling a little better and can hear you Mom trying to get close to you through music. I will just add my voice to those above about what to do to help you manage this awful blackness when it washes over you like that. Love you Birdie. Keep safe and know that there are many of us here who care and wish to help you through this awful time. xx
ReplyDeleteKeep blogging. We don't mind what you write as long as you DO write and we know you're still functioning on some level.
ReplyDeleteGo to your doctor. PLEASE. But know we're all here for you and we'll listen, whatever you need to unload to help you at this time.
Take care.
I love your honesty. That is the biggest step in the right direction. Get to your doc.....you need something else to get you through this and then you can wean off later.
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't drive your car with the check engine light on. You need a qualified mechanic, right now!
ReplyDeleteLet your doctor have the information he needs to be able to help with adjusting your medication and some talk therapy.
You are in a dark cycle and need some support to get through to the upswing that will follow. Speak up so that they can hear you're needs.
Sweetie, look at the people who love and care about you. Listen to us. GET HELP. YOU ARE SICK. This is not "the blues." You are in full-blown depression mode, and there ARE people out there who can help. Is there a crisis call center near you? USE IT. Don't give up. And please don't quit blogging. We love you.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, I went to the doctor when my world was collapsing and I took the necessary steps. Get the help you need. We all care about you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're definitely not invisible.
Just dropping by again to see how you are - hoping much improved, but I know it takes a while.
ReplyDeleteLove you, sweetie.
Dear One, and you are, you are a dear Bird, full of love and wonderful things to contribute (and I know that just from reading a few of your posts, so please keep on blogging). I just want to say what the others have told you - talk to someone, a doctor, a friend -reach out, there are people there for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am so glad you are feeling a little better. Do more nice things for yourself and enjoy your new cds.
I wish I could give you a big cuddle.
ReplyDeleteHoney , you've got to go see your doctor. You have to work with him/her to get the meds that will help you. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteHang in there woman. When I was at my lowest I read a bumper sticker that said, "Don't believe everything you think."
ReplyDeleteDepression impairs your thinking. Sending hugs.