A Confession

Here it is. My deep dark secret.  I know I will disappoint some of you.  Some will despise me and never read my blog again but I must tell you the truth. I hate Halloween.  

I hate everything about it.  When my kids were small I dressed them up and took them out, hating it the entire time.  Now that they are older I still hate it.  Why?  Here are some of the reasons. 

 My brother and his friends saw to it that I would be traumatized every Halloween by scaring me all throughout October.  I would walk around in a perpetually terrified state knowing they were going to do something horrible. My adrenal glands were constantly on high alert. They told me every year that they were going to put Neet in my hair.  I also hate loud noises so I hated the screechers and fire crackers.  I hated going out into our rainy October nights.  Once I went through a haunted house where a man in a coffin jumped out at me.  I hated it because Ian J.  won the prize for best costume every year.  He dressed as the same robot every year.  Tin foil on a cardboard box.  Every year.  I hate that Halloween scares animals. So, I hate it.  


Norbert is still sick.  The abscess I thought was drained is not so I am still manually draining it 4 times a day.  It hurts him and it is so gross.  He  is still wearing the cone of shame.  I have had to cut a whole bunch of fur off his back.  I am also using Tea Tree oil so all the fur around the abscess is all oily. Poor kitty. 

I did end up going out the other night. I had a great time.  I did not drink anything other than OJ &7-Up and decaf coffee as I knew I would be driving.  I was home before 10:00.  I was not the only one looking forward to a hot bath and going to bed with a good book. 

I am going back to work this week but just part-time.  I need the money or I would not be going back yet. 

That is about it.  I was up at 5:00 as my fiancé was snoring and I had to take care of Norbert.  I know a nap will be in order sometime today. 

PS- Please keep loving me even though I hate Halloween.  It is the only holiday I hate. 

Norbert's (aka Ungrateful Bastard)  puncture wound seems better this morning.  I am draining it ever 6 hours (gag)  and when I went to drain it this morning there was no more drainage.   Good thing.  I will have to keep on top of it though.
I slept in until noon today.  I am still in my pyjamas and just finished reading blogs.  I am now typing and listening to this song.   It is hard to type! My laptop is bouncing away. One of the best videos I have ever watched.  Awesome. 
Now it is time to get out of my pyjamas and get into my gardening clothes.  I bought the Garden Claw this week.  I can't wait to use it!  Eeeeeee!  


Later that day -


I am inside now.   I was outside for almost 3 hours.  I weeded about 6 feet.  Does that tell you what miserable shape our garden is in?  THE CLAW worked wonderfully but it is hard work.  I found so many spiders and worms.  Our chickens that we are getting next Spring are going to be so clucking happy.
I am supposed to go to a 40th birthday party tonight but I am so tired.  I just want to stay in my warm clothes, have a hot bath and go to bed early and read a book.  Aren't I fun?  But go I will. I think I am going to go have a nap before I have to leave in an hour.  


Love, Peace and Harmony ladies... I love you. I don't say it enough but thanks for reading and the comments. I feel loved.  And that is an amazing thing.  

Poor Norbert

My poor Ungrateful Bastard is really sick.  He has a large puncture would on his spine that has abscessed. (It looks like he was attacked by another cat.)  I have to drain it every four hours and clean it with peroxide and then a thick layer of Polysporin. I then put the cone of shame on him.  Everyone who has ever owned a sick pet knows about the cone of shame.  Since I have not worked since mid-April in order to care for my mom,  I have no money to take him to the vet.  I called this afternoon and it was going to be over $100.00 just for the vet to see him.  If I had the money I would take him but I don't.  Anyway,  I am taking care of him myself.  I am going to call a pharmacy in the morning and see if I can get him some antibiotics.  Poor kitty.  

Finding a Place for Grief

In a world where we are encouraged to organize and deal with everything, I am having a difficult time finding a place and time to grieve.  I cried yesterday while giving blood.  I cried at the orthodontist today.  My employer called and I got teary but fought very hard to not cry.  I cried when my step-mom called.  I just cry all the time.  I am crying now.  I wish I could set a time and place to do my grieving but it doesn't work like that.  I feel so empty after crying even though everyone tells me that crying is good.  I don't like feeling empty.  This is different than any crying I have ever done.  The tears come so fast.  There is no sound.
  
Ms Moon, lovely Ms. Moon told me this would be a holy time and she is right.  I feel very connected to the Universe and God right now.  I meet people who have gone through loss and I feel connected to them.  I feel connected to all of you.  It is strange to feel so much love from people I have never met. It is this love and connection that gets me up out of bed everyday even though I have to have a nap.   


Anyway, it has taken me over an hour to write this post.  I am spent.  My sweetie is making me a grilled cheese sandwich and fries and gravy.  Comfort food, god bless his heart. 


Ungrateful Bastard is still sick. He freaks out, hisses and tries to bit me when I pick him up.  He stayed in his basket almost all day today.   I wonder if he fell or was attacked by a dog.  he is eating and drinking but he is in the baddest mood I have ever seen him in.  Good grief.  I can't beleive I wrote "the baddest mood I have ever seen him in".  Baddest is not a word and  don't believe in ending a sentence in a preposition.  Ah. Who the hell cares any more. 


PS- I forgot to do the pee draw at 6:00 on Monday.  I did remember at 6:00 but on Wednesday.  Judy C. is the winner of a yet undisclosed prize.  I promise, no tea! I do have a great card picked out. 

Snail Relocation Program

Not much going on on my world.  I am sad.  Melancholy.  Blue.  I sigh a lot.  I work in my yard and I will kneel down in the damp grass and sigh.  I pull my dirt-caked gloves off my hands and sigh.  I push my sweaty hair back and put my gloves back on and sigh again.  Then I go back to pulling out everything that is overgrown and tangled in the English ivy which is an invasive species here. It is growing up everything and choking it out; killing it. .  I am leaving very little as the ivy has taken over.  It feels nice to be outside.  The soil is rich and beautiful.  There are spiders and living things.  The soil is full of beautiful earth worms that I gently pick out and put in the compost so they will be happy.  I am finding lots of snails.  I know next year they will eat my vegetable garden.  I can't kill them as they are cute.  I keep them and relocate them to the provincial park across the street where they can live out their lives and be happy and do snail things, whatever that may be. 
 I have things to do this week.  Donate blood tomorrow.  Son has an orthodontist appointment Wednesday. Parent-teacher interviews Thursday.  Reiki Thursday.  Going to a play on Friday.  I am going to meet my step-mom for coffee this week.  She lost her dad a while back and is grieving.  And I just wrote the words step-mom  for a second I thought I sort of still have a mom and then this wave of guilt and grief washed over me and now tears stream down my face  as they do every night around this time.  Oh, god I miss her.  I miss my mom so much.  My god, it seems so surreal.  This can't have happened.  But it did.  I watched it happen.  I held her hand then crawled into bed with my mom as she died.  I feel so fucking lonely.  
I am supposed to go out with my girlfriends on Saturday to celebrate another one of us turning 40. I want to go.  I have known some of these women since I was 5.  I love them so much.  But I fear I am going to start crying. I guess I can step outside before the tears come.  Or maybe I should just stay home. 
At any rate, my love and I are going apple stealing tomorrow.  There is an abandoned orchard and the apples are falling to the ground and rotting.  We are going to go and rescue some.  There are about 300 trees.  
Anyway, that is all I have to say for tonight.  I am going to go wake up my fiancé and ask for some snuggles and cry in his arms for a while.


PS- I wrote this yesterday and posted it and just now realized it didn't post at all. 
Now it is the next day.  I gave blood today while I heard the nurse tell me how much she hated her doctor and then a a list of all the things wrong with herself.  I had bought my MP3 player and I just wanted to lay there and have quiet and rest peacefully but it was not to be.  And tonight it appears the Ungrateful Bastard is sick.  He won't let me pick him up.  I got him in a basket with a heating pad underneath and some towels but he growls and hisses.  Maybe he is doing a fake to make me appreciate him more

Prickly People

Ah, some days my friends my heart goes through a day like today and I offer it you bruised and broken.  I had a yucky day.  The first person I spent time with is a "born-again Christian" and she believes everyone is going to hell. The second person scoffed at my ideas about the power of touch, Reiki healing and love.  She rolled her eyes at one point.  I have so much trouble with prickly people.   I walk around this planet and just love on anyone and everyone.  I can't help it.  It is just the way I am.  I don't want to change and close myself up and be like the prickly people.  And yet, some days these people cause my heart pain.  I don't know.  I am called to love.  That's it.  I guess I should know by now that this life of mine will be painful at times.


Today Isa sent me this song and my heart once again felt warm and protected.  Please go over and say hi to Isa because she is a precious soul.  Her daughter just started Kindergarten and is as cute as a button!  


And I want to share this with you. 

Thanks
by W. S.  Mervin
Listen with the night falling we are saying thank you we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings we are running out of the glass rooms with our mouths full of food to look at the sky and say thank you we are standing by the water thanking it smiling by the windows looking out in our directions back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging after funerals we are saying thank you after the news of the dead whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you over telephones we are saying thank you in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators remembering wars and the police at the door and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you in the banks we are saying thank you in the faces of the officials and the rich and of all who will never change we go on saying thank you thank you with the animals dying around us our lost feelings we are saying thank you with the forests falling faster than the minutes of our lives we are saying thank you with the words going out like cells of a brain with the cities growing over us we are saying thank you faster and faster with nobody listening we are saying thank you we are saying thank you and waving dark though it is

I Hate my Blog

This happens whenever I have been blogging for about 6 months.  I start hating my template.  When I used to blog I could whip up a new template in minutes.  I have completely forgotten how! I was looking for something with an owl or a crow.  Blogger freaked out and told me in no uncertain terms that an error had occurred.  Ahhh,  I used to be so clever and knew how to do so many things.  In the last 10 years I have started having trouble with the simplest of tasks.  I have a basic cell phone and that I don't know how to dial.  No I am not kidding. Every time I dial I make a mistake and end up starting over.  My phone keeps telling me to "wait!".  How dare it and what is with the "!"?  Incidentally, I hate it when my microwave tells me to "enjoy your meal!"   It can fuck off too.  I am heating up a bean bag.  Anyway, I want a new fresh template but I don't know how to do it.  


I went to Hospice House today and cried and cried.  I am just not getting this whole grief thing.  I mean, sometimes I will be driving down the road and a cool song comes on. It is a nice sunny day and I feel happy. Then I feel weird because  my mom just died.  And that is another thing.  I thought she had died 4 weeks ago and it was only 3.  When I read my posts the next day I don't remember writing them.  I leave stove elements on.  I cried a lot today because I am afraid if reincarnation it true my mom has moved on and has forgotten about me.  That thought is more than I can handle right now.  When I thought on reincarnation I just felt sad and hopeless.  What is the point?  I want to see my mom again.  I want to spend eternity with all these people that I love so much.  I don't want to be reincarnated.  And I am sorry to those of you who are reading this that believe in reincarnation but the thought of that right now brings me no comfort. 


I am not sleeping.  It is currently 2:14 in the morning.  I bought some Sleepy Time tea today and I am supposed to drink a cup before bedtime and 3 -4 cups in the evening.  That is 5 cups of tea.  Ladies, tell me what is wrong with this. In fact, let's make this a contest!  My first contest! I will put all the correct answers in a hat and do a draw thing.  I will send you something cool.  I will do the draw on Monday at 6:00 pm.  


So, yeah.  I have a lot of other things I could say but I am not in the mood.  Oh, here is this.  I can't get a hold of my dad.  He went up to the cabin and his cell phone is not working.  The cell phone always works at the cabin.  I keep getting a message that he is out of the service area.  


Anyway, that is it.  I am too tired to proofread so I hope this makes some sort of sense. I am going to go find some chocolate. 

Title-less

Here I am at the undisclosed location this weekend.  I am home now and looking at pictures. The smile is somewhat genuine.  What catches my attention is how tired I look.  My hair is all stuffed into my touque.  My eyes are so puffy with dark circles around them.  Oh, well.  


The time away was very  nice.  I was able to put away some files into the proper places in my brain that had been sitting gathering dust.  I slept a lot.  I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I read.  I cried.  I laughed.  I cried more.  I ended up not going to the Upper Realm as "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" so I slept instead.  I read some more but I am having trouble focusing on reading.  I have never had this problem before.  I get angry at grief recovery books that throw all losses into the mix.  Don't, I mean don't try to tell me that losing a job or a pet is the same as losing a parent.  And I would smack anyone senseless that would say it is the same as losing a child. It isn't.  And it pisses me off that we are so fucking politically correct that we have got to the point where books are written and loss is brushed over with the same brush stroke and that some how getting over the loss of a job or a pet is the same as watching your mom die in front of you in the same hospital that she gave you life.  


Anyway...I guess I am dealing with a bit of anger.  I saw two ladies yesterday that I had not seen since my mom died.  Last time I saw them I told them my mom had days left to live.  When I saw them yesterday they did not say a fucking thing.  Is it that hard to say "I am sorry"?  These two women were not what I would call friends.  Our children do an activity together and I have known them for enough time to at least get an acknowledgement that my mom lived and then died. I don't know.  Maybe I am "just too sensitive" as people like to say.  I personally think most people are not sensitive enough.  "I am sorry to hear about your mom".  Eight words.  Acknowledge my fucking pain you bitches!
I sure am crabby tonight.  Twice in the last few days I have gone to phone my mom.  I am not able to sleep at night so I end up sleeping into the afternoon.  I went to the library today.  I told the lady there that my mom passed away and that is why I had not picked up some special order books. She had no issue with saying sorry.  Damn.  I need to let this one go.  I think it is not so much anger but I am in a state of confusion.  I am befuddled.  How can someone ignore a death?   At least pretend to give a shit. Psychopaths can do it why can't you?   God, I am on a roll tonight.  
Anyway. I got the newest Frances Itani book from the library. And some magazines on gardening. I got a book on grief that I am not going to read.  
OK, my sweetie just got up and was wondering why I am not in bed so I am going to go make another attempt at sleep. 
Here are some pictures from the undisclosed location. 

Grove

Graffiti 

George's Grange 

My Battery is Running Low

Undisclosed Location! 

And you thought I meant my life battery didn't you?  No.  I am away in an  undisclosed location where I am receiving a weak wireless connection and I forgot my battery/charger at home.  Actually, that is a lie  I remembered half if it. I don't know where the other half is.  I don't even there was an another half.


Today in my undisclosed location I spoke with a Buddhist poet.  He invited me to a Buddhist meditation tomorrow in a place called the Upper Realm. I think I shall go.  I also met with an itty  bitty woman that is no bigger than a minute but contained this huge spirit.  I spoke with her for 3 hours.  She shared much insight into my grief and my guilt at having grief in the first place. I will share the why of this when I return as my battery is down to 25%
I will tell you I bought a knitted hat, a top to soothe my inner hippy and a raincoat for my niece.  Yay because they were all thrifted bargains  I did buy two new books, one by David Sedaris. and another by Pema Chodeon.  That is it.  OK that is a lie.  I also bought three poetry books.   I love books.
Anyway, it is late at my undisclosed location and I am tired.  I will go meditate with some Buddhists tomorrow even though I am  a Quaker.  Which is about as close as you can get and it doesn't matter too much.. Or at all.  Love.  That is what it is about.  Love and learning and acceptance.  As you know I believe we need to open our hearts and minds and listen to what other people believe and why.  "Come Let Us Reason Together". Today it would probably say, "Let's go get a coffee and talk". So if someday any of you are in my neck of the woods and you feel like getting together for a coffee to reason together let me know.

I received a sympathy card in the mail today from a lady named Diane in Australia.  I don't know a Diane.  I was going to call my mom to ask if she knew.  Right.  I can't do that. 
And as per request,  updates on the Ungrateful Bastard.  I swear to all that is good and true.  The Ungrateful Bastard is trying to drive me over the precious edge of my sanity.  He cries like a baby now when he wants out.  Remember I mentioned previously that he has never been an outside cat?  Now he is the neighbourhood gadabout.  I caught him laying all stretched out on the neighbour's driveway.  It was an embarrassing spectacle.  His previously white paws have become a dingy grey.   He has ear mites now and has scratched all the fur off his ears.  He has scabs all over his body.  I hate calling him in at night because he ignores me.  I stand like a fucking moron calling him and shaking Temptations  .  I know all the neighbours must be laughing at me.


Here is how it goes... all voices are done by me. 




Act One
Scene One


Calling in a normal voice -  Norbert! Here kitty! Here puss, puss, puss!Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! 
Under my breath -                You fucking bastard,  come here.
Louder voice -                       Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Under my breath -                Fucking cat.
Normal Voice -                      Come on Norbert!  Kitty, kitty!
Under my breath -                Get in the house you ungrateful piece of shit
~~Open door and go inside
Louder voice -                      God damn fucking cat.  I don't know why I bother to own a cat at all. 
~~Outside 5 minutes later 
Louder voice -                     Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Calling louder through gritted teeth - NORBERT!
~~repeat about 12 times.
***Enter Norbert daintily prancing up the stairs 
Me in my gentle voice - What a good kitty you are. Mama loves you so much.  Do you want a treat?  Oh dear, you are all wet. Let Mama put the heater on for you and dry your fur. 


End of Scene One
Scene repeats itself over and over and over...

I mock you

Four in the Morning

I was up at 4:00 this morning. I can't sleep.  I am feeling rather lost and lonely.  The last couple of days I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt that I am grieving.  I keep comparing myself to others and I feel I really have no right to feel sad.  There are people out there that have lost a child.  There is nothing worse and I should be happy that I have my children and fiancé. 
When I started blogging about my mom's last stages of living I didn't consider that this blog would now become about grieving.  I am tired of all of it.  I just packed up a big box of stuff including all the sympathy cards because I don't want to think about this for another second. I am also waiting for the other shoe to fall because actually,  I don't feel that bad. I was feeling angry this evening for having to send thank you cards to people that sent flowers.  I am also just feeling relieved that she is no longer sick. My dad and I were so tired.  We cared for her for a long time.  It seems we are too tired to grieve.  And when I do grieve I feel guilty.

Happy Thanksgiving

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.  My first holiday without my mom.  I got very tired halfway through the meal.  We were talking about what we were thankful for and all I could think of was gratefulness that my mom is not sick any more.  I went on to say that I am so thankful for my family.  This ordeal has brought us all closer together.  
I am not eating much.  I didn't even have turkey or pie tonight.  Just not hungry.  I am going to try to get back to swimming but not water aerobics because I have no interest in people other than my family.  I really just want to stay home but I think going to the pool is important in so many ways.
I am not sleeping at night.  I fall asleep quickly and awaken 30 minutes later and can't go back to sleep.  My days are built around  things I have to do.  Going to get groceries and leaving as quickly as possible so I can come home.  I cleaned out the dust bunnies from under the bed today.  I changed the bed sheets and swept the floor. I cleaned the bathroom.  I look back and I don't exactly remember doing it but I know I did it because it is done.  
Well, there is a piece of pie waiting for me with my name on it.  
I miss my mom.  

Up and Down

Emotionally I don't know how I am doing.  Tired. Not tired.  Angry.  Sad.  Numb.  Restless.  Unmoving.  Cranky.  Confused.  Lost.  Silly.  Giggling.  Raging. 


I went to a grief support group this morning.  It was warm and welcoming. Afterwards I went to my mom and dad's house to see how my dad is doing.  He was in the yard chopping wood.  I went into the house and took some of my mom's clothes because I know she would tell me to take them, because she is  not going to be using them.   I came across her journals and brought them home too.  I started to read but now is not the time. I came across a book that someone had given her that promised her healing from cancer "if" she only "believed".  I also read an entry from her journal about when she went to see a "minister" that promised her healing "if" she only "believed".  I read in her journals with her unending belief that she had received a healing.  My mom was very hard on herself because she never received a healing and felt she had somehow gone wrong along the way. This makes me hate the human race. It makes me angry at people out there that claim to have "The Secret".  Dogs are more compassionate.  My cat is more compassionate and we know what an ungrateful bastard he is. I think I am going to go back to her house and burn that book.  Yes, I am. 


I saw my grief counsellor again yesterday.  (I have been seeing her for quite a while now.) I do believe I love her.  I do.  And I love the lady that gave me Reiki yesterday.  I love the Hospice volunteers. This makes me love the human race. It mostly pushes out the hate.  But the hate is such an angry blackened living thing.  But you people here in Blogland make me love people.  And so it goes, back and forth.

The service was yesterday.  I did not shed a tear.  I listened to my auntie  give her eulogy and my cousin read a poem and to two people that got up to share.  I did not listen to the minister. I have no idea what she said.  I am sure it was supposed to bring me comfort but I didn't want to be comforted by a stranger so I stared at a picture of my mom instead.


Today I feel... I don't know how to give words to what I feel.  This poem I found is the best I can do.


Grief comes in unexpected surges...    
Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief.
It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest,
twisting me inside out.
Then recedes, leaving me broken.
 Oh, Mama, I don't want to eat, to walk to get out of bed.
Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering...
Nothing matters. 
I do not want to be distracted from my grief.
I wouldn't mind dying.
I wouldn't mind at all. 
~by Toby Talbert

Today is the day of my mom's service. I am doing part of her eulogy.   As soon as I woke up I started crying.  I don't want to go.  Not because I am nervous speaking in front of people, I have never been and large groups of people don't bother me.  I also know that everyone there loves my mom and will love me too.  I don't want to go because I am not ready to say goodbye.  So I am not going to.  I am not going to say good-bye today. 

Rambling

The cursor blinks at me and I am trying to come up with words.  I am so tired.  My words and thoughts are jumbled.  I am making stupid mistakes.  My neck aches.  I stare a lot.  I cry a lot.  I am doing a remarkable job of putting together my mom's service.  Everyone says so. I am so strong.  Everyone says so.  But I am not even me right now.  I am some other person because the real me is on her knees and can't breathe.  I am talking to my mom out loud but I am not hearing anything back.  I had enough foresight to purchase five copies of this little book to give to people with a thank you card to thank them for being there for my mom. It is a nice little book. Our gas got turned off (accidentally) so I did not get to have a hot bath tonight.  I am wrapped up in my mom's pink fuzzy robe that I took from the hospital room.  I am still cold.  My brother in law did a beautiful slideshow of my mom with the songs mentioned and then he gave me a big hug.  And I did not have the words to thank him or tell him I love him and how glad I am that he is my sister's partner and my niece's dad.  And my dad told me today that he is lonely. He told me that he went to visit his son's grave today.  He died when he was nine.  And I did not have any words for him either.  My cat is being a bastard and took off and won't come back.  I got to hold my baby niece and I got to love on her. And I fed her and changed her diaper.  And I held her and told her I loved her.   I got to love on my six year old niece and she gave me a tattoo. I told her I loved her.  I am picking out flowers tomorrow with my aunt.  I looked at pictures of my mom and realized I forgot that she was ever young. I am angry at one of my mom's closest friends that didn't come to see my mom in the hospital because she is very religious and her husband wouldn't allow it. The picture in my post made me smile.  And then I stopped.    I need to buy ink for my printer.  I want chocolate.  I am worried about my dad.  I feel my mom close.  I am going to go make some hot chocolate because I am still cold. 

Moving Fast so Grief Can't Catch Me

I have been so busy the last few days.  I am so tired but I can't sleep.  We ended up choosing a different funeral home.  The cost was less than half than the first one and we got more.  I also chose a very pretty small keepsake urn.  It looks like the one in the picture. I can hold it in my hand.  No, I will not put my mom on the mantle but maybe on my bedside stand.  Maybe forever.  Or maybe one day I will be able to place it in a drawer.
.
With the funeral home out of the way I got to planning the Celebration of Life. I  have it all figured out and now I just need to do a slideshow with music that my brother-in-law is going to help me with.  The songs for the slideshow will be Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens,  The Rose by Bette Midler and To Where You are Josh Groban.  My mom's singing group is going to sing,  What a Wonderful World,  That’s What Friends are For and Can You Feel the Love.  There will also be two poems read that were written by my great aunt who was a published poet.  And my aunt who is not really my aunt but I call her my aunt because she knew while I was still a twinkle in my dad's eye (as she says) is doing the eulogy..  And the minister is going to yap about stuff.  And Psalm 23 and Ecclesiastes 3. By the way,  I said shit in front of the minister but she didn't seem to mind. And she gets annoyed at people always referring to God a He.  So she says She when the mood strikes,  Three of my cousins (and dear god I have a LOT of cousins!) are going to usher. One is doing all the catering, god bless him.    We are going to sing Amazing Grace at the end but I specified I didn't want the looooong and drawn out depressing version.  I want the happy version.  And I don't know.  Other stuff will be thrown in there I guess.  
Here was something that was fun!  I had 12 minutes to write the obituary.  Yes, 12 minutes to get it into the paper in time.  I did a bit of a crappy job but I am too tired to think about it right now.  I know my mom would tell me not to worry about it so I won't
I also still have to do the Order of Service and take them to the printers.  
But how am I doing you ask?  Well it is 4:20 in the morning and I have not slept.  I go between sobbing that comes from my soul to anger at all I have to do with little or no help from my siblings.  (OK, I am doing everything.  Everything.)  I started laughing out loud when my mom's friend told me a funny story about driving down the free way. My eyes sting all the time from crying.  I wonder if my last memory of her being so sick will ever fade away because right now that is all I can see.  It makes me desperately sad.  At the same time there was a relief now that this fucking hell journey is over for her. Any of you that have lost loved one, does that awful memory slip away eventually? The memory when they are really sick near then end and they don't even look like your loved on anymore?   Maybe that is to let me know she is really dead and not coming back
I hope this is making sense because I am so tired. I am not going to be a grammar snob tonight.  

Bye for Now My Sweet Mom

My mom passed away in her sleep this morning at 11:40 a.m.  I was holding her hand when she died.  It was very quiet and peaceful.  After she died I crawled into bed with her and lay close to her and knew she was being welcomed by her mom and dad and many friends into a place of joy with no more pain or cancer.  It is good.  

Today

Today  we met with a lady from the funeral home to make pre-arrangements and I wanted to punch her out.  My mom expressed her wishes weeks back.  Direct cremation. No embalming. No viewing. No body or ashes at the service.  A simple urn. No burial but her ashes to be spread when my dad dies.  This woman pushed and pushed ideas at us.  No, we do not want a viewing!  No, we don't want to rent a casket!  No, we do not want her ashes at the service and no fucking way do I want a more expensive urn so I can put her ashes on my fucking mantle. She kept repeating over and over the so-called services of the funeral home.  And are you fucking kidding me?  Three dollars EACH for an order of service?  Three dollars! So if 200 people come to her service that would be $600.00?  It is a piece of fucking paper. Are you seriously sitting here and trying to make me feel bad about not wanting to spend $20, 000 on a fucking service for my mom?  Well you did it.  I feel terrible. I feel disloyal and like I am not honouring my mom.  


Meanwhile, my mom was down the hall in bed.  All she does is breathe now.  And I watch her and I miss her already.  And I hate the funeral home lady.  I hate her. It is a deep inside hate and anger boils in a place that I didn't know existed.

Right now posting is taking its toll on me.  I find my thoughts are enshrouded by a fog so I will do my best to say what is going on. I had last posted about all the things that were medically happening to my mom.  I want to say that all the tubes and  five ports (there are six now) are only for her comfort.  Nothing that is meant to extend her life.  We have a state of the art palliative ward here that is staffed by highly trained staff and Hospice volunteers.  She is in a good and safe place.  She is not in any pain.
She has not opened her eyes in two days now.  The tube in her throat was removed this morning and we are hoping there will be no more vomiting. That is unlikely as she has not taken anything in.  Intravenous fluids are not given in palliative care as it causes complications and only extends life which we do not want to do now.  I signed papers yesterday to donate her eyes (no other organs can be taken because the cancer is everywhere)  and to choose a funeral home. That is all I can come up with right now. 
I am getting a cold.  I am sore.  My muscles and joints ache.  I put on the flannel bed sheets this evening.  I am going to have a hot bath with Epsom salts. 
PS- I can't begin to express how much your comments mean to me.  Watching someone you love in the last stages of living is a horrible yet precious time.   Your caring and love is coming through to me.  I thank you for  that.  Namaste my friends.

I Changed My Mind

I spent a great deal of time at the hospital today.  I feel differently than yesterday.  I am not OK today.  My mom cried today and begged me to take her home.  She pleaded.  I tried changing the subject.  I lied and said I would  talk to the nurse.  I also just sat there and didn't say anything. 
She is so thin.  She is the size of a little girl now.  She is smaller than my 13 year old daughter. She has a tube in her nose that goes down her throat that sucks everything out of her stomach.  She has another tube in her nose for oxygen. Her colostomy bag keeps popping off and the room has an odour that doesn't leave my nose ever after I leave the hospital.  She  has five different ports in her skinny little arms for all the medications.  One for pain, one for nausea, one for Ativan.  I don't even know what the other two are for.  She speaks in a low murmur and I can't understand what she is saying most of the time.  She is a beautiful person and I don't understand why this needs to happen like this.  I have been asking that question for a long time.  There are no answers. 
And as Forrest Gump says, "That's all I have to say about that".

The last two days my mom has been vomiting but the nurses were unsure as to why.  She has not been eating any more than a few bites everyday.  It turns out there is another block in her bowel. Her stomach needed to be pumped and she now has a tube that goes down her nose and pumps her stomach continuously.  She is drinking tiny sips that get immediately pumped out of her stomach. She is sedated and will be sleeping all the time now.  She is responding to voices and wakes up but falls back to sleep quickly. I spoke to her palliative doctor and he said that they will try to take out the tube tomorrow but she will not be able to take in enough fluids now to keep her going.  But who knows?  She is a  strong woman and it seems to want to live.  This dying, these last stages of living have no timeline. 


And you know what?  I am OK with this.  At  this moment  I am OK with this because I just want this to be over now.  (Though I may change how I feel in ten minutes from now.)  I know she is not ever going to get better or be well so I am ready for this last stage.  I don't want to see her be sick any more.  I have no idea what my life will look like without my mom.  She has always been a part of my life.  It is going to be weird not to have her here.  It is going to hurt for a very long time and I am never going to stop missing her.  


I went to Reiki today. I also went to the Hospice thrift store and bought three new sweaters, two puzzles and a white eyelet bed skirt for my daughter.  I also hit it lucky and bought a set of curtains for our den.  They happen to be an exact match to the ones I bought a few years back for $600.00 for my living room. (I brought them with me when I sold my condo.)   They are even insulated.  I got them for $4.00!  Yay!


PS - Last week I was deleting blogs off my blogroll of people who no longer post.  I accidentally deleted someone who I did not want to delete. Now I am worried who else I deleted.  If you are no longer on my blogroll let me know and I will put you back on.  I swear, lately I wonder how I even get dressed in the morning! 

I Feel Like Yapping

My Outside Bed! 

I really don't have a lot to say.   I cleaned off the patio today and put away all the summer stuff.  I did not put my outside bed away because I am still sleeping outside even though it was 6 C (43 F) last night.  I feel warm and cozy.  Last night I slept on a sheepskin and that kept me toasty.  It really is comforting out there on my blow-up air bed.  Quiet.  Clean air.  I feel safe even though anyone could walk up my back stairs and find me there.  PS- The duck in the picture fell off the banister rail and smashed into pieces.  Poor duck.  His legs had already been broken in a previous accident.  I feel somewhat sad.  


I am pleased to hear that changes that are happening in the U.S. today.  I wrote on a blog today that even though there are a multitude of problems in Canada that make me hang my head in shame I am proud that lesbians, gays and bisexuals have been able to serve in the military since 1992.  Canada has allowed gay marriage since 2005.  There is a song in honour of today over there >>> Listen if you feel like it. I can't seem to get it to work.  meh.  OK, I can't get it to work.  The song is no longer there. 


My neighbour gave me tomatoes yesterday.  Oh, yes she did.  I love having nice neighbours.  I have never lived in an actual house as an adult so it is a real treat to be given tomatoes and cucumbers.  I let her know that there would be eggs next year to return the favour.


The wasps are very cranky today.  I am glad they are on their last few days. The hummingbirds seem to have gone south. I am watching  chickadees that are flitting around outside.  It seems they like where I hung their new feeder.  I think I may have to get a new one because I can anticipate having to refill it daily in the winter.  


I have managed to get through this day without a nap.  I am off to pick my kids up at school.  I am making my kids read The Help so I am taking them to see it at the theatre after school.  I read the book last year and saw the movie last month. Popcorn for dinner!  Yay!

Meh

Meh

Urban Word of the Day Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care. This is how I feel today.  I have a sore throat.  I am still in my pajamas at 4:40 in the afternoon.  I have a roast cooking.  My mom is still in Palliative care and is not getting any worse.  However, there is no quality of life.  It is just drudgery.  She is hallucinating and saying weird things.  Every night she plans to go home in the morning.  She gets mad at my dad for not taking her to the eye doctor to get new glasses.  She wants to go to the dentist.  I slept inside one night (or was it two?) and went back outside again last night.  I am going to go get dressed soon and eat dinner and go see my mom.  Yeah.  Meh.

An Outside Post

It is after 1:00 a.m. and as usual I cannot sleep.  I am still sleeping outside.  I don`t know why but the world does not seem as frightening when I am out here.  Panic attacks stay away.  Fear does not sleep beside me.  The world is a gentle place.  I look right now up into the night sky and think of you my readers who are closer to me than people I see often. I look at the moon (that is covered by west coast clouds right now) and I know many of you look up at that same moon and think of me. This makes me feel small and safe and loved.  Some of these posts have been so hard to write and it is your comments that keep me writing.


I am listening right now to Snatnam Kaur.  She is a Sikh.  Her music is beautiful and expresses what is in my heart.  The song thingy to the right is playing what I am listening to right now.


My mom.  *sigh*  I never expected her to improve on the palliative ward but that is what is happening.  Yes, the disease marches on but her pain is under control.  She is on lot of medication and seems OK.  She says things that are very funny like when she asked me if I would see to it that I would get rid of the sweat pants my dad wore today.  I have to admit, they are hideous.  But along with that she says things that are hurtful.  My mom would not want to hurt me in a million lifetimes and yet... 


She is also gets fixated on things.  Today she decided that she is leaving the hospital tomorrow because she needs new glasses. She told us that we are taking her in the morning to get glasses then she is going home in the afternoon for a nap.  Yes, my mom appears better but there is no way she is ever leaving the Palliative ward alive.  It hurts me that I can't do this for her.  It frustrates me that she asks. She gets snippy with me and my dad.  Does she not see how hard we are trying?  It is little silly things like when I tracked down her favourite ice cream only for me to find out she hates it and has never liked it ever.  Again, small and silly but I am trying so hard for her last days of living to be comfortable and maybe even nice.  This is what Hospice and Palliative are all about.  I don't know.  I am tired.  


In other news, we are still looking after my mom and dad's chocolate Lab.  He is NUTS and getting old (almost 13) and has the worst farts I have ever smelled come out of any creature.  He clears the top floor of our house.  He is also very funny.  He is a true Retriever and will chase after a ball from sun-up to bedtime.  So far he has found 11 balls in our yard left in the dense overgrown bushes of the previous owner's son.  The sad thing is I know he is getting homesick.  He had so much fun here the first week and now I can tell he just wants to go home.   Poor dog.


Tomorrow night I am taking a course on caring for chickens in your own backyard!  Eeeeee!  I am so excited!  I talked my 15 year old son into coming with me.  This time next year I expect to have my first eggs. I am going to get them as day old chicks so the think I am their mama.  I am going to name all of them and they will be my friends.  As my favourite author wrote about her first pet canary, "I shall be his god".  ha ha  What blasphemy!  What fun!


OK, it is 1:20 a.m. and I am going to attempt sleep.  If you are by chance reading this, I just may look up to the sky and fall asleep thinking of all of you. 

9/11

My brain and body and spirit are tired today. I wanted to write about 9/11.  No doubt that is all we are going to read today but Ms.  Moon sums it up for me and does it well.  Sp please go to her blog and read. (Add her to your blogroll while you are at it!)
http://www.blessourhearts.net/

Digging Deep

I am digging deep within myself to try to get through this time but as I dig I find nothing more inside to help me go on.  I am so weary.  Tears sting my eyes and I find them rolling down my face.  I no longer bother to wipe them away because they just keep coming.  My shoulders and neck and so sore.  I am hungry but have no energy to eat. I want to curl up in a ball and just not move.  
The medication my mom is on is making her say mean things.  I know that is not her and it is only the medication but it still hurts me.  It hurts me because I know that is not her. And I just want this to be over.  Because nobody should live like this.  I need a break but I know there is only one way for that break to come. My fiance is not speaking to me and I don't know what I did wrong.  I feel so vulnerable.  I have no interest in anything right now.  I could sit and watch the cursor blink on the screen in front of me for hours and just not care. 
Days like this I hate who I am.  Why can't I be normal and not be so affected by pain?  It would be nice to stop crying for 2 minutes.  I have heard of crying so much you have no more tears but that does not seem to be the case for me.  I just want someone to put their arms around me so I can feel some love and hope that life is not a shit hole.  God, I am so tired. 

Reiki Today - I Fell Asleep

Not much going on today.  Went to Reiki and was very happy to get the lady that puts everyone to sleep, myself included.  I wish I could have just kept sleeping.  Now I am just relaxed, sleepy and calm.  Spent a few hours with my mom today.  She slept most of the time. He pain medication has been increased again.  She has seemed to have stabalilzed at 20% on the palliative scale.  She sleeps and sips juice or water.  She has short visits then goes back to sleep.


It is very hot here today.  It got up to 33 C. (91 F) today and it is just too hot for this Pacific Northwest Girl. (I love the rain!)  It makes me sleepy.  I am still quite happily sleeping outside but I am worried when it starts to get too cold.  Sleeping outside stops the panic attacks.  OK.  Time to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness.

Resentment

Is this the anger part of the grieving process?  I actually think the "grieving process" is a load of crap.  If you want to know what I believe about grieving you can read it here.   Anyway, my brother is pissing me off to no end.  I am too tired to write about it and it is probably for the best because I don't want to look back at this one day and be angry all over again.  Let me just say that he gets annoyed when my mom receives the many drugs she is presently receiving for pain.  He is a recovering alcoholic and thinks all drugs (legal and illegal) are unnecessary, including chemo.   Yes, he thinks there should be no morphine, no ativan, no medications at all in his books.   The light is really bothering my mom right now so her room is darkened.  He thinks it is a good idea that she gets some light so he opens the blinds wide. My mom and I received Reiki this afternoon and just as we were both about to fall asleep he shows up. My mom said she was very tired and wanted to sleep.  He said if she was going to sleep then he was just going to leave.  He also (get this) brought her rice crackers to eat!! My mom has been on liquids for over a month now.  He thinks she should have some scrambled eggs so she can get some strength and go home.  OK, OK I said I was not going to rant but MY GOD!  I love my brother, I do but sometimes I think my cat has more compassion and common sense. (And we all know how loving he is.) 
OK, rant over,  First day of school tomorrow and I need to go to bed.  ( I am still sleeping outside.)  And yes, I will get over this because I do know that the resentment only hurts me.