Moving Fast so Grief Can't Catch Me

I have been so busy the last few days.  I am so tired but I can't sleep.  We ended up choosing a different funeral home.  The cost was less than half than the first one and we got more.  I also chose a very pretty small keepsake urn.  It looks like the one in the picture. I can hold it in my hand.  No, I will not put my mom on the mantle but maybe on my bedside stand.  Maybe forever.  Or maybe one day I will be able to place it in a drawer.
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With the funeral home out of the way I got to planning the Celebration of Life. I  have it all figured out and now I just need to do a slideshow with music that my brother-in-law is going to help me with.  The songs for the slideshow will be Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens,  The Rose by Bette Midler and To Where You are Josh Groban.  My mom's singing group is going to sing,  What a Wonderful World,  That’s What Friends are For and Can You Feel the Love.  There will also be two poems read that were written by my great aunt who was a published poet.  And my aunt who is not really my aunt but I call her my aunt because she knew while I was still a twinkle in my dad's eye (as she says) is doing the eulogy..  And the minister is going to yap about stuff.  And Psalm 23 and Ecclesiastes 3. By the way,  I said shit in front of the minister but she didn't seem to mind. And she gets annoyed at people always referring to God a He.  So she says She when the mood strikes,  Three of my cousins (and dear god I have a LOT of cousins!) are going to usher. One is doing all the catering, god bless him.    We are going to sing Amazing Grace at the end but I specified I didn't want the looooong and drawn out depressing version.  I want the happy version.  And I don't know.  Other stuff will be thrown in there I guess.  
Here was something that was fun!  I had 12 minutes to write the obituary.  Yes, 12 minutes to get it into the paper in time.  I did a bit of a crappy job but I am too tired to think about it right now.  I know my mom would tell me not to worry about it so I won't
I also still have to do the Order of Service and take them to the printers.  
But how am I doing you ask?  Well it is 4:20 in the morning and I have not slept.  I go between sobbing that comes from my soul to anger at all I have to do with little or no help from my siblings.  (OK, I am doing everything.  Everything.)  I started laughing out loud when my mom's friend told me a funny story about driving down the free way. My eyes sting all the time from crying.  I wonder if my last memory of her being so sick will ever fade away because right now that is all I can see.  It makes me desperately sad.  At the same time there was a relief now that this fucking hell journey is over for her. Any of you that have lost loved one, does that awful memory slip away eventually? The memory when they are really sick near then end and they don't even look like your loved on anymore?   Maybe that is to let me know she is really dead and not coming back
I hope this is making sense because I am so tired. I am not going to be a grammar snob tonight.  

Bye for Now My Sweet Mom

My mom passed away in her sleep this morning at 11:40 a.m.  I was holding her hand when she died.  It was very quiet and peaceful.  After she died I crawled into bed with her and lay close to her and knew she was being welcomed by her mom and dad and many friends into a place of joy with no more pain or cancer.  It is good.  

Today

Today  we met with a lady from the funeral home to make pre-arrangements and I wanted to punch her out.  My mom expressed her wishes weeks back.  Direct cremation. No embalming. No viewing. No body or ashes at the service.  A simple urn. No burial but her ashes to be spread when my dad dies.  This woman pushed and pushed ideas at us.  No, we do not want a viewing!  No, we don't want to rent a casket!  No, we do not want her ashes at the service and no fucking way do I want a more expensive urn so I can put her ashes on my fucking mantle. She kept repeating over and over the so-called services of the funeral home.  And are you fucking kidding me?  Three dollars EACH for an order of service?  Three dollars! So if 200 people come to her service that would be $600.00?  It is a piece of fucking paper. Are you seriously sitting here and trying to make me feel bad about not wanting to spend $20, 000 on a fucking service for my mom?  Well you did it.  I feel terrible. I feel disloyal and like I am not honouring my mom.  


Meanwhile, my mom was down the hall in bed.  All she does is breathe now.  And I watch her and I miss her already.  And I hate the funeral home lady.  I hate her. It is a deep inside hate and anger boils in a place that I didn't know existed.

Right now posting is taking its toll on me.  I find my thoughts are enshrouded by a fog so I will do my best to say what is going on. I had last posted about all the things that were medically happening to my mom.  I want to say that all the tubes and  five ports (there are six now) are only for her comfort.  Nothing that is meant to extend her life.  We have a state of the art palliative ward here that is staffed by highly trained staff and Hospice volunteers.  She is in a good and safe place.  She is not in any pain.
She has not opened her eyes in two days now.  The tube in her throat was removed this morning and we are hoping there will be no more vomiting. That is unlikely as she has not taken anything in.  Intravenous fluids are not given in palliative care as it causes complications and only extends life which we do not want to do now.  I signed papers yesterday to donate her eyes (no other organs can be taken because the cancer is everywhere)  and to choose a funeral home. That is all I can come up with right now. 
I am getting a cold.  I am sore.  My muscles and joints ache.  I put on the flannel bed sheets this evening.  I am going to have a hot bath with Epsom salts. 
PS- I can't begin to express how much your comments mean to me.  Watching someone you love in the last stages of living is a horrible yet precious time.   Your caring and love is coming through to me.  I thank you for  that.  Namaste my friends.

I Changed My Mind

I spent a great deal of time at the hospital today.  I feel differently than yesterday.  I am not OK today.  My mom cried today and begged me to take her home.  She pleaded.  I tried changing the subject.  I lied and said I would  talk to the nurse.  I also just sat there and didn't say anything. 
She is so thin.  She is the size of a little girl now.  She is smaller than my 13 year old daughter. She has a tube in her nose that goes down her throat that sucks everything out of her stomach.  She has another tube in her nose for oxygen. Her colostomy bag keeps popping off and the room has an odour that doesn't leave my nose ever after I leave the hospital.  She  has five different ports in her skinny little arms for all the medications.  One for pain, one for nausea, one for Ativan.  I don't even know what the other two are for.  She speaks in a low murmur and I can't understand what she is saying most of the time.  She is a beautiful person and I don't understand why this needs to happen like this.  I have been asking that question for a long time.  There are no answers. 
And as Forrest Gump says, "That's all I have to say about that".

The last two days my mom has been vomiting but the nurses were unsure as to why.  She has not been eating any more than a few bites everyday.  It turns out there is another block in her bowel. Her stomach needed to be pumped and she now has a tube that goes down her nose and pumps her stomach continuously.  She is drinking tiny sips that get immediately pumped out of her stomach. She is sedated and will be sleeping all the time now.  She is responding to voices and wakes up but falls back to sleep quickly. I spoke to her palliative doctor and he said that they will try to take out the tube tomorrow but she will not be able to take in enough fluids now to keep her going.  But who knows?  She is a  strong woman and it seems to want to live.  This dying, these last stages of living have no timeline. 


And you know what?  I am OK with this.  At  this moment  I am OK with this because I just want this to be over now.  (Though I may change how I feel in ten minutes from now.)  I know she is not ever going to get better or be well so I am ready for this last stage.  I don't want to see her be sick any more.  I have no idea what my life will look like without my mom.  She has always been a part of my life.  It is going to be weird not to have her here.  It is going to hurt for a very long time and I am never going to stop missing her.  


I went to Reiki today. I also went to the Hospice thrift store and bought three new sweaters, two puzzles and a white eyelet bed skirt for my daughter.  I also hit it lucky and bought a set of curtains for our den.  They happen to be an exact match to the ones I bought a few years back for $600.00 for my living room. (I brought them with me when I sold my condo.)   They are even insulated.  I got them for $4.00!  Yay!


PS - Last week I was deleting blogs off my blogroll of people who no longer post.  I accidentally deleted someone who I did not want to delete. Now I am worried who else I deleted.  If you are no longer on my blogroll let me know and I will put you back on.  I swear, lately I wonder how I even get dressed in the morning! 

I Feel Like Yapping

My Outside Bed! 

I really don't have a lot to say.   I cleaned off the patio today and put away all the summer stuff.  I did not put my outside bed away because I am still sleeping outside even though it was 6 C (43 F) last night.  I feel warm and cozy.  Last night I slept on a sheepskin and that kept me toasty.  It really is comforting out there on my blow-up air bed.  Quiet.  Clean air.  I feel safe even though anyone could walk up my back stairs and find me there.  PS- The duck in the picture fell off the banister rail and smashed into pieces.  Poor duck.  His legs had already been broken in a previous accident.  I feel somewhat sad.  


I am pleased to hear that changes that are happening in the U.S. today.  I wrote on a blog today that even though there are a multitude of problems in Canada that make me hang my head in shame I am proud that lesbians, gays and bisexuals have been able to serve in the military since 1992.  Canada has allowed gay marriage since 2005.  There is a song in honour of today over there >>> Listen if you feel like it. I can't seem to get it to work.  meh.  OK, I can't get it to work.  The song is no longer there. 


My neighbour gave me tomatoes yesterday.  Oh, yes she did.  I love having nice neighbours.  I have never lived in an actual house as an adult so it is a real treat to be given tomatoes and cucumbers.  I let her know that there would be eggs next year to return the favour.


The wasps are very cranky today.  I am glad they are on their last few days. The hummingbirds seem to have gone south. I am watching  chickadees that are flitting around outside.  It seems they like where I hung their new feeder.  I think I may have to get a new one because I can anticipate having to refill it daily in the winter.  


I have managed to get through this day without a nap.  I am off to pick my kids up at school.  I am making my kids read The Help so I am taking them to see it at the theatre after school.  I read the book last year and saw the movie last month. Popcorn for dinner!  Yay!

Meh

Meh

Urban Word of the Day Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care. This is how I feel today.  I have a sore throat.  I am still in my pajamas at 4:40 in the afternoon.  I have a roast cooking.  My mom is still in Palliative care and is not getting any worse.  However, there is no quality of life.  It is just drudgery.  She is hallucinating and saying weird things.  Every night she plans to go home in the morning.  She gets mad at my dad for not taking her to the eye doctor to get new glasses.  She wants to go to the dentist.  I slept inside one night (or was it two?) and went back outside again last night.  I am going to go get dressed soon and eat dinner and go see my mom.  Yeah.  Meh.

An Outside Post

It is after 1:00 a.m. and as usual I cannot sleep.  I am still sleeping outside.  I don`t know why but the world does not seem as frightening when I am out here.  Panic attacks stay away.  Fear does not sleep beside me.  The world is a gentle place.  I look right now up into the night sky and think of you my readers who are closer to me than people I see often. I look at the moon (that is covered by west coast clouds right now) and I know many of you look up at that same moon and think of me. This makes me feel small and safe and loved.  Some of these posts have been so hard to write and it is your comments that keep me writing.


I am listening right now to Snatnam Kaur.  She is a Sikh.  Her music is beautiful and expresses what is in my heart.  The song thingy to the right is playing what I am listening to right now.


My mom.  *sigh*  I never expected her to improve on the palliative ward but that is what is happening.  Yes, the disease marches on but her pain is under control.  She is on lot of medication and seems OK.  She says things that are very funny like when she asked me if I would see to it that I would get rid of the sweat pants my dad wore today.  I have to admit, they are hideous.  But along with that she says things that are hurtful.  My mom would not want to hurt me in a million lifetimes and yet... 


She is also gets fixated on things.  Today she decided that she is leaving the hospital tomorrow because she needs new glasses. She told us that we are taking her in the morning to get glasses then she is going home in the afternoon for a nap.  Yes, my mom appears better but there is no way she is ever leaving the Palliative ward alive.  It hurts me that I can't do this for her.  It frustrates me that she asks. She gets snippy with me and my dad.  Does she not see how hard we are trying?  It is little silly things like when I tracked down her favourite ice cream only for me to find out she hates it and has never liked it ever.  Again, small and silly but I am trying so hard for her last days of living to be comfortable and maybe even nice.  This is what Hospice and Palliative are all about.  I don't know.  I am tired.  


In other news, we are still looking after my mom and dad's chocolate Lab.  He is NUTS and getting old (almost 13) and has the worst farts I have ever smelled come out of any creature.  He clears the top floor of our house.  He is also very funny.  He is a true Retriever and will chase after a ball from sun-up to bedtime.  So far he has found 11 balls in our yard left in the dense overgrown bushes of the previous owner's son.  The sad thing is I know he is getting homesick.  He had so much fun here the first week and now I can tell he just wants to go home.   Poor dog.


Tomorrow night I am taking a course on caring for chickens in your own backyard!  Eeeeee!  I am so excited!  I talked my 15 year old son into coming with me.  This time next year I expect to have my first eggs. I am going to get them as day old chicks so the think I am their mama.  I am going to name all of them and they will be my friends.  As my favourite author wrote about her first pet canary, "I shall be his god".  ha ha  What blasphemy!  What fun!


OK, it is 1:20 a.m. and I am going to attempt sleep.  If you are by chance reading this, I just may look up to the sky and fall asleep thinking of all of you. 

9/11

My brain and body and spirit are tired today. I wanted to write about 9/11.  No doubt that is all we are going to read today but Ms.  Moon sums it up for me and does it well.  Sp please go to her blog and read. (Add her to your blogroll while you are at it!)
http://www.blessourhearts.net/

Digging Deep

I am digging deep within myself to try to get through this time but as I dig I find nothing more inside to help me go on.  I am so weary.  Tears sting my eyes and I find them rolling down my face.  I no longer bother to wipe them away because they just keep coming.  My shoulders and neck and so sore.  I am hungry but have no energy to eat. I want to curl up in a ball and just not move.  
The medication my mom is on is making her say mean things.  I know that is not her and it is only the medication but it still hurts me.  It hurts me because I know that is not her. And I just want this to be over.  Because nobody should live like this.  I need a break but I know there is only one way for that break to come. My fiance is not speaking to me and I don't know what I did wrong.  I feel so vulnerable.  I have no interest in anything right now.  I could sit and watch the cursor blink on the screen in front of me for hours and just not care. 
Days like this I hate who I am.  Why can't I be normal and not be so affected by pain?  It would be nice to stop crying for 2 minutes.  I have heard of crying so much you have no more tears but that does not seem to be the case for me.  I just want someone to put their arms around me so I can feel some love and hope that life is not a shit hole.  God, I am so tired. 

Reiki Today - I Fell Asleep

Not much going on today.  Went to Reiki and was very happy to get the lady that puts everyone to sleep, myself included.  I wish I could have just kept sleeping.  Now I am just relaxed, sleepy and calm.  Spent a few hours with my mom today.  She slept most of the time. He pain medication has been increased again.  She has seemed to have stabalilzed at 20% on the palliative scale.  She sleeps and sips juice or water.  She has short visits then goes back to sleep.


It is very hot here today.  It got up to 33 C. (91 F) today and it is just too hot for this Pacific Northwest Girl. (I love the rain!)  It makes me sleepy.  I am still quite happily sleeping outside but I am worried when it starts to get too cold.  Sleeping outside stops the panic attacks.  OK.  Time to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness.

Resentment

Is this the anger part of the grieving process?  I actually think the "grieving process" is a load of crap.  If you want to know what I believe about grieving you can read it here.   Anyway, my brother is pissing me off to no end.  I am too tired to write about it and it is probably for the best because I don't want to look back at this one day and be angry all over again.  Let me just say that he gets annoyed when my mom receives the many drugs she is presently receiving for pain.  He is a recovering alcoholic and thinks all drugs (legal and illegal) are unnecessary, including chemo.   Yes, he thinks there should be no morphine, no ativan, no medications at all in his books.   The light is really bothering my mom right now so her room is darkened.  He thinks it is a good idea that she gets some light so he opens the blinds wide. My mom and I received Reiki this afternoon and just as we were both about to fall asleep he shows up. My mom said she was very tired and wanted to sleep.  He said if she was going to sleep then he was just going to leave.  He also (get this) brought her rice crackers to eat!! My mom has been on liquids for over a month now.  He thinks she should have some scrambled eggs so she can get some strength and go home.  OK, OK I said I was not going to rant but MY GOD!  I love my brother, I do but sometimes I think my cat has more compassion and common sense. (And we all know how loving he is.) 
OK, rant over,  First day of school tomorrow and I need to go to bed.  ( I am still sleeping outside.)  And yes, I will get over this because I do know that the resentment only hurts me. 

Puzzles

Spent most of yesterday and a lot of today with my mom.  Her mind seemed clearer today.  She is even making jokes.   I am fussing over her because I am still a nurse and patient comfort is always a priority in  my mind.  I can make anyone comfortable.  It is a gift. It is my gift.  I just seem to know what is wrong and how to fix it without being asked.   Dim lights.  Raise the head of the bed.  Pillows under and between the knees.  Fresh water. Turn the TV off.  Don't ask too many questions.  Keep chitter-chatter to a minimum.  Turn the patient on her other side.  Wash her face.  Warm blankets from the warming oven.  Light healing touch.  Mouth care.  Open the window.  Close the window.  Fan on. Fan off.  Call for pain meds before they are needed.  Ativan for anxiety.  Soft music.  Music with memories attached. No music.  Silliness.  Seriousness.  Teasing. ("Cancer is making you bossy!")  Listening, always listening.  Watching, always watching.  Are there smells in the room?  Talk about death. Talk about being well. 


Only this patient is my mom.  My mommy.  I am not doing anything extra special for her.  There is love for everyone I care for behind what I do. But this patient has loved me forever.  There is a strong force that I can't leave behind at the end of the day. I bring this one home with me.  


Maybe I fuss too much because yesterday as I fussed I asked her if there was anything else I could do.  She replied, "Yes... Get lost!"  I laughed out loud.  She said something similar to my dad when he was talking too much.  She said, " Honey could you please get me another pillow and put it over your face". hee hee  


I also sat and did a puzzle.  I only got the border done and that was with help.  I spoke to my mom's life long friend who I still call Auntie Dee.  She lost her husband to cancer.  She is one of the most down to earth people I know.  She told my mom that when she dies to make sure that if she wants to visit her to damn well make sure it is not at night and or she will scare the bejesus out of her. ha ha


I watch other families in the Palliative ward.  We are all gentle with one another and yet allow space because now is not the time to be supporting anyone other than our loved ones. 


So, it all starts again tomorrow.  Or maybe I will go up tonight and just sit with her.  I wish for a day like today.  I don't pray much anymore because I don't think there is any point.  I have prayed all along and I think God does whatever the hell He/She wants and doesn't have time or care enough to make this easy.  The meds will see to that.  My strength right now comes from the people that would walk in front of a train for me.  Maybe that is God.  Maybe it isn't. 

Cancer

 I hesitated to share such intimate photos from two posts back and didn't know how they would be received.  However, she is still living.  She is worth celebrating.  These photos are not about dying but the last stages of living.  They are about celebrating life.  They are photos about a love so pure that no words can capture. They are about new love and about mature love.  They are proof that love never dies.    


I am so tired.  I have never felt this drained and hopeless.  My fingers are heavy and have trouble finding the right keys to type this post.  I tried to nap this afternoon but rest came like a demon and caused panic and anxiety.  Dreams of a world without my mom, no god, no afterlife.  Dreams of such emptiness that I could not even cry.


My mom talks now of wanting to die.  She begs us to let her die.  There is no solace or comfort for her.  My dad's personality sinks further away into the blackness  daily.  I struggle to remember who I am.  I resent my brother who does nothing.  


My thoughts are scattered and there is no smile on my face today.  I struggle to take a breath.  I am not hungry.  I am shaking.  


Now it is time to go back to the hospital to watch cancer cover us all in its inky blackness and steal away my mom.


Yes, this is cancer and what it has done to our family. 

Update

My mom continues to get closer to death.  Incoherent.  Down to just sips and mouth care.  We are hoping to have her moved to the Palliative unit tomorrow.  My city has a state of the art Palliative department with fully private rooms.  Each unit has a TV, CD player with any type of music you can think of.  There are beds for family too.  Comfort of the patient is priority and medication for pain management is never refused.  Second priority is care and support for the family.  It is a good place to die.  If that is what you are doing.
I bought a new dress for my mom's service today.  She does not want a funeral so we are having a celebration of life.  It is a nice dress.
And I have a weird fucking rash on my girly parts.  Too much information?  Probably but it hurts damn it!  My fiance thinks it is a heat rash but think it is stressed induced.  It makes me grateful for fans and corn starch. 
I have been sleeping outside for a week now because I don't seem to have really bad panic attacks when I am out there. I still have nightmares but they are not terrible and scary.  Just sad. 

Bittersweetness

We had a family picnic today.  My mom in her hospital bed.  There were times of joy and times of so much tenderness I don't know how my soul contained it. 

Joy

Smiles

An Ocean and Tears

This is the beach where I went swimming today.

Spent more time with my mom again today.  We had a nice talk about many things.  Things I will keep close to my heart.  She told me a funny story about when she met my dad and how long they waited to have sex.  ( I can't tell you but it was the 70's and love at first sight and they are still together over 30 years later!)  We cried (a lot) and we laughed.  I told her the dreaded secret that I had been holding since Grade 9... It was *I*  that ruined a textbook that she had to pay for.  I gave her some messages to pass on to my grandma, grandpa and nana. I told her to watch our for our old family dog Roxy who died about 12 years ago and would undoubtedly be still barking.   She was a weird dog and became weirder still after she got ran over by a truck. She barked for the next 8 years non-stop. I think it could have been some sort of record.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umzfEer-7So  <----watch!


I am not sure how much time she has left.  I am basking in her presence every moment I can.  My tears fall and I don't even know they are flowing. I went for a swim in the Pacific ocean today and it was cold but helped my grief. We are having a family dinner tomorrow night at my mom and dad's house because that is just the kind of family we are.  I intend to go for another swim in the cleansing waters of the ocean and also hold my baby niece close and whisper in her ear how much she is loved. 

I am not sure how much longer I can  keep blogging about this.  When going on a journey there is usually something at the end. This journey is a backward one.  We are on a journey but not going forward.  I don't want this journey to end but I want it to be over.  It is a mean and cruel journey this cancer.  It is rubbing it's hands in glee and laughing at all of us. If she is alive is is sad and painful.  If she dies if is sad and painful.  I go back and forth between wishing it was over and wanting her to stay.  What is the point of any of this?  I have never been a proponent of doctor assisted suicide but I am not sure anymore.  This is just cruel.  I would not let the family dog go through this.  And yet, how much more valuable is a human life than that of a dog?  But then what is the purpose of suffering?  I don't know anything anymore.  My thoughts are scattered and fleeting.  
In other news I did take my mom and dad's dog to the beach today.  He is a 13 year old chocolate Lab and that dog never gets tired.  Ever.  I threw the stick about 979 times and he still wanted more.  He gave me the saddest puppy dog eyes when I told him it was time to go home.  So of course I threw it more. Chocolate Labs perfect this look because they get droopy-eye syndrome when they get old.  He is a funny old dog.  He grunts and groans when I scratch his silky ears.  He always makes sure he checks on my mom several times a day.  He lays by her hospital bed in the living room.  I went to the bedroom to cry and he followed me in and just stared at me and licked my hand.  What a beautiful creature he is. 

Taking Care of Things

Spent part of the day with my mom today.  She is very, very tired.  We looked at pictures of her as a little girl and a young married woman.  She cried but was happy.  I asked her what she would like for her Celebration of Life and she suggested three songs and a poem written by her aunt.  She wants two different bible passages read.  She would like the service at the same church she and my dad were married.  She also gave me one of her rings.  It is a lovely diamond solitaire. My dad bought it for her about 20 years ago. 


I went swimming tonight.  The water is a good place to cry.  Nobody knows. 

 

Decline and Dragging

Over the last 30 hours my mom has declined quickly.  She got out of bed two nights ago (before my dad could get to her) and fell backwards and hit her the back of her head then fell forward and hit the front of her head.  A hospital bed is being brought in.  Home support is  providing service in the morning and the evening now. The Palliative nurse will come every morning.  All care is strictly centered around comfort.  Morphine is given every four hours.  The real dying is now underway.  She is now between 30 and 40% on the Palliative scale.  
My mom has lost so much weight.  I have never seen my mom this thin and frail.  People are emailing and calling and as much as I love them I no longer have the desire to speak of any of this.  Even this post taxes me.  I do it because I wanted to be able to deal with all the emotions that I am feeling.  The thing is I do not even know what I am feeling right now.  I just keep going. Both my kids had orthodontist appointments today.  My daughter got them off (finally!) and my son got them on.  I sat through both appointments and did what I was supposed to do.  I even went to the hardware store and looked at smoke detectors. They say life goes on but it feels more like life drags you along no matter what.

Well, that's just great!

I got my hair cut this afternoon,  It was a dreadful and awful cut.  (My usual stylist thought it a good idea to have a baby (a baby!) and go on maternity leave. She did not consult me first.  I then dyed my hair this evening.  It went way too dark.  I swear to you right now that I look like a mix between Leif Garrett (circa 1975) and Marilyn Manson.  Seriously, take the Leif Garrett style and make it dead black.  I can also tell you right now that I don't like either of them or their choice in hair styles. I tried to lighten my hair by dousing it with vinegar and all it did was make my eyes turn blood red. I think I have a mark on me to look shitty one way or another for the rest of my life.  I lose 10 pounds and then I turn myself into a love child named Leif Manson.  Or Marilyn Garrett.

 I should know by now not to attempt my own beauty treatments. I used to do my own eyebrows but I have learned.  Yes, the hard way. Lesson learned by way off ripping off the outer half of my left eyebrow.  There is no way to fix that mistake my friends. 


 You see, I am cheap,  Some will call it thrifty or frugal but no, I am just plain and simple a cheap person.  Why spend $13.95 to get my eyebrows waxed when  I can do it at home for about 17 cents?  Why spend $75.00 at the salon to colour my hair when I can do it myself for $6.47?  Sure it some of it ended up on the carpet (and the walls and the floor) but by god I am not about to waste good money on something  I can do myself.  (It is always referred to as good money by cheap people.)  I don't know what to do now.  I can't really hide.  I guess the only thing to do is spend another $6.47 and re-dye it!  


Tonight I would like to mention Jack Layton.  He was the leader of the New Democrat Party in Canada and he died this morning in his home at the age of 61 of cancer.  I sat in my car and cried when I heard the news.  He is a part of his final letter to his country. 

Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue...

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn't gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: ...we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years... There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government...


To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change... consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

It is 9:07, damn it!

I am becoming a cranky woman.  The Exhibition is on right now.  It is a night for people of all ages to get together and eat cotton candy and go on rides.  Kids bring their farm animals and everyone has a grand time.  Except in my city it is a hang out for run-away meth addicted teens.  Crappy bands play that nobody has ever heard of.  It is about 4 kilometers away and I can hear the music.  It is far too loud!
  
To prove I am not cranky all the time I will tell you about the best meal I had tonight.  It was a wrap full of all sorts of beans and sprouts.  I also had a salad with more beans and sprouts and artichoke hearts.  It was at a local restaurant that sells healthy stuff.  I wish I could learn to cook like that.  I would consider becoming vegetarian if I could make meals like the one I had tonight.  I know I could never become a vegan as I like eggs, milk, cheese and fish too much.  And steak.  And ribs. Oh, I love chicken wings too.  Anyway. 


My mom is home now.  I should have mentioned this first.  The fluid that was in her lung that was supposed to be drained was not fluid at all but cancer.  Yeah.  Fuck.  My mom is very sad.  We all are.  The Palliative doctor is now saying weeks to months.  Which is better than the original diagnosis of 2 -3 months.  That was over 4 months ago now.  My brain can't think on this anymore right now.  


I have lost a total of 10 pounds.  I have been watching what I eat and going to the pool 4 times a week.  I feel good.  


My cat is having a nervous breakdown right now.  He wants to go outside.   When I was living in my condo he was not allowed to go outside because we were living too close to the highway.  Now he is 6 years old and has NO LIFE SKILLS to go outside.  There are about 75 neighborhood cats on our block alone.  Every night all the neighbors call their cats. We all stand outside calling the ungrateful bastards and none of them come when they are called.  It is actually really funny.   Anyway, Norbert will get the shit scratched out of him because he doesn't know how to fight.   He is a complete wuss.  Birds frighten him.  Every time our flag waves he hides.  So yes, he can't go outside.  He still wants to  out and carries on like he is dying.  I told him tonight that there are plenty of feral cats that would be happy to live his life and be more than happy to live inside and barf on the carpet everyday.  No looking for food and water.  It just magically appears in a bowl and if you don't like it you can go on a starvation diet until your owner caves and goes and buys the bag of cat food that costs $57.99 for a 10 pound bag.   I told him all of this and he just ran down the hall and hid under the bed.  


OK, I am off to bed.  Cranky old ladies need their sleep.  I doubt I will sleep because the music is still going and it is now 9:07. 

OK, you blessed blogging sisters have convinced me to forgive myself.  I called my family and apologized and they were so graceful and kind. (They said there was no need to apologize but we accept it even though it is not necessary.) And they understood.  I know I am too hard on myself.  I need to work on that.  Oh yes, I do. So thank you for reminding me that I can forgive.


So in other news I have been swimming lots, more specifically water jogging.  What a hard workout!  It burns over 450 calories in 45 minutes.  It is a great stress reliever too.  


My mom is still on the Palliative ward. She has cancer in her right lung now and her lung is filling with fluid.  She is having a it drained tomorrow. But, it will fill up again.  She seems to be doing well emotionally.  Her daughter falls apart every so often.  And she supports her.  What a lovely mom she is.

Shame and Grief

My mom is back the hospital.  The cancer is everywhere.  She is in the Palliative unit.  And to deal with it I did something that brought shame and embarrassment to my family. I drank way too much tonight at a family picnic.  I have no excuses.  I am not a drinker and 3 (large) glasses of wine hit me hard and fast.  Last thing I remember was getting sick in the sink.  I cannot even come close to admitting how much remorse and shame I feel.  I don't know how people who drink all the time deal with this shame.  What kind of person goes to a family picnic and vomits in the sink?
Do you ever come to a point where you feel everyone would be better off without you?  That is how I feel tonight.  I am not saying this to have people to tell me that I am a great person and I just made a mistake.  So, don't, please don't.  I just am such a weight to society.  Other than my kids, so many people would have an easier time to NOT have to deal with me.  Blip.  I am gone.  If it would not cause my kids so much pain for the rest of their lives I wish I could just be gone.

No Title Tuesday. Wait, it is Wednesday.

I really have very little to say. My mom is about the same.   She sleeps a lot,  eating very little.  They are both markers of the process of dying. A couple nights ago I couldn't fall asleep and had a panic attack.  I am so afraid of losing my physical mom.  She is a little shorter than I am.  She has always had very, very fair colouring as she has always stayed out of the sun. (No wrinkles but damn, what was the point?)  She has lost about 50 pounds in the last while but she was about my size as well.  I am going to miss my pale, soft hugging mom.  I fit so nicely in her arms, and I belong there. I am going to miss her hair.  I am going to miss her hands. I am going to miss her tiny little feet.  Oh god,  I am going to miss her voice!  What am I going to do when I can't call her anymore and hear her voice?  
I know all this dying is part of life.  I have accepted that she is going to die.  I don't have to like it.  In fact, I hate it. Anyway, this is life isn't it?  It is time for me to grow up and behave as an adult.


In other news I lost 6 pounds this week but I can't make myself care.  

Not much Posting Going on Here

I find it hard to sit myself down to post. The weather has been so nice and we have been out enjoying it.  Being from Vancouver island we get a LOT of rain.  We do live in a Rain Forest!  When it is not raining I walk around all confused and I don't know what to do with myself.  I am not a lover of sun on my skin so I stay in the shade.  No tan lines here!  We have been working very hard on the renovations on the house and we are getting close to the end.  
Today I purchased a beautiful second hand love seat.  It is so comfortable! Here are the pictures. It is a micro-suede double recliner.  I could sleep on it.  I am not very tall and I find a lot of sofas don't fit me in the right places.  This one is perfect! And the best part is I go it off Kijiji for only $125.00!           

Trying to lose some weight, well not some but rather a lot.  I have let myself get fat.  I am using SparkPeople. Awesome site when you get used to it.  I have a button over there ---> if you want to take a look. 

My mom has been very sick this week but we are coming up to the 4 month mark of being told she had 2 -3 months to live.  I went to see her the other day and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  She rubbed my back and told me how much she loves me and that she will always be near.  She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her.  Oh, I need her here still!

OK, it is 2:30 am here and I am going to attempt to sleep again.

What About a Video Post?

I am still having a pretty shitty day.  Got up early to go to work.  By the time I was off I was at the point of not being able to breathe.  Anxiety.  Waves of depression. I drove to Hospice where I got the most lovely Reiki treatment by a woman that my mom used to baby-sit!  (She now does Reiki on my mom as well. She is a Reiki master and healer.  I sobbed as she rubbed my back and let me cry.  I was barely able to talk as I squeaked out my woes.  Her healing hands calmed me so I was at a point where I could accept Reiki.  She also told me about Sea Salt Lamps and told me that they would help me with sleep and my nightmares. (I also went to my doctor yesterday and he recommended me to a sleep clinic.  I have been having problems with sleep for years so I hope I get some results that will help.) I swear I am becoming one of those people that I used to think were New Age weirdos.  Reiki, rock salt lamps?  I regret all the years I did not believe in all the energy that the Earth has to help us. 

Anyway, I am very tired. It is damn hot and the humidity is at 80%.  The cats are near dead and sleeping in front of a little fan I set up for them.  Do you think they are grateful?  Bastards. I need to turn this hot lap top off. It is too HOT.  

PS- I am thinking of doing a video post! 


PSS- I would like to find the loser who invented bras.  I am taking mine off now.  I hate it!

That Black Dog

So, yes.  I suffer from depression.  Most days I am OK.  I have been fighting the black dog of depression for longer than I can remember, so I live with him.   What choice do I have? It takes more than it used to, to throw me into his snapping jaws.  But sometimes he waits behind a closed door and lunges at me out of nowhere.  I didn't see him coming tonight.  A conversation that still has not been resolved sent me into a corner feeling stupid, worthless and useless.  Some days I just want to crawl into that corner and let him win.  How long can you fight such a vicious creature?


  And I want my mom.  I am not the big girl you all think I am.  I am three.  I am three years old behind this door.  The world scares me so much, friends.  At times I don't know how I shall stand up against it.  Why does everything have to take so much work?  Besides the love I have in me, nothing is simple in my world.  I am scared.  I feel so alone at times.  Will this black shadow ever subside? How many anti-depressants does it take to make it easy?  Is this what the rest of my life if going to be like? 


My eyes are heavy from a life time of tears and fighting.  When did this dog show up anyway?  Was it when my biological father was physically abusing my mom, brother and me?  Did he show up then?  I know he was there before I entered Kindergarten.  I see him.  I was afraid of him then. Maybe he was there before I was born and I was genetically predisposed to having him as an unwanted pet.  


My life is not a movie my friends.  It is not a "Wonderful Life" where my angel shows up and shows me what the world would be like without me. Blip. Like turning off the TV I could be gone.  If only it were that simple.  God, at times I wish it was.  Right now.  Blip. Gone from this over-bright room.  Blip.


Ativan is on my nightstand.  I take one now tonight as I always do.  The black dog can't invade my dreams then.  Under my tongue.  The pain will subside shortly.  And then I will feel silly for writing these words.  But I know I must tell you and not hit delete. Because it will make me feel less alone.  And posting will make me feel less like a liar. And maybe as the Ativan plays the trick on my brain it will help others know they are not alone.  I know this black dog is not the only one in his litter.  There are many in his pack.  I know he shows up at your door.  I know he scares you too.  I know he makes you feel stupid and useless.  I know you sometimes wish you could just go 'blip" but you can't either.  You live with him.