Two Zero One Four. 

2
0
1
4

My god. Have I really made it? Only 9 hours left so it appears so. I am on a wee upswing. I went to Costco today, fucking Costco people and I did not freak out or cry. My daughter and I each got an (800 calorie) hot dog and sat in the car afterwards. To top it off the car in the space ahead of me pulled out so I moved forward into that space so when I left I didn't have to back out. Small blessings. I will write that one in my gratitude tonight.

And tonight...because I was just too unwell to do it on the 21st I will burn my Solstice box. It is pretty crammed full of crap I need to let go of. In reality I will still struggle with the weight of the world but the symbolism is there.  And that is good.

The last month has been hell. The most honest-to-god hell I have ever been through. I don't to want to even think on it but then what? A still hurting and damaged me that is back where she started. What are the words to that song, Just Breathe? 

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, 
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, 
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe, 
Oh breathe, just breathe, 
Oh breathe, just breathe.

I am staying home tonight. My bless-ed home. The people I love the most are here. What more could I ask? From there? A wee tentative step forward and maybe a half-step back. Tomorrow is not just another day but another year. And so, we move forward.

Happy New Year, my friends.  

Ah, you sweet and wonderful humans. You do my heart good. When I read your comments I am stunned that you think of me as strong. Though it is something I have believed about myself there are times when I feel anything but. The last few weeks it has taken every bit of energy in my soul, spirit and body to just get up and make it through until noon. Tears are always behind my eyes and if not they are streaming down my face. It isn't just a sadness but an all consuming feeling of hopelessness. I struggle with the fact that people think this is a ploy to get attention but it is anything but. Nobody knows what I am going through outside my husband. My family knows I am 'struggling with depression'. Other than that I have not told anyone a thing. A few health care professionals know but I do everything in my power to keep this a secret. Why? Because I can't explain the shame I feel. Shame that my husband has to deal with me. Shame that I am barely coping and I am not being a good parent. Shame that I am off work and taking advantage of the system. Shame. Shame. Shame. At every awakening until I fall asleep. Shame when I wake to get a drink of water of go to the bathroom. Shame as I fall back asleep and it all starts again the next day. And I tell you, I picked the wrong time of the year to become depressed. There is help but it is almost impossible to find.  

So, that is where I am at. No appetite. I have lost over 15 pounds. Depression is a great way to lose weight but it is not worth the the feeling of nausea. Still cross stitching. I have made it one more day.

I Get Knocked Down

The last few weeks have been the hardest three weeks of my life and there is no way I could ever have kept up with blogging. The process of getting up everyday is difficult. Going about my day is difficult. I go to counseling and wait for my medication to start working. My counselor is going to be sending me to a program called "Changeways". It is a program that introduces cognitive behavioural therapy and a developmental (mental ha ha) to understanding and treating depression.  It will be a few months before I can get in but it is not for people who are in crisis but have steadied. At the moment, there are snippets of light in my day only for it to cloud over again. I live for the belief that the snippets of light will be longer and more often.  I am still really struggling but...

I get knocked down 
But I get up again 
You're never going to keep me down 

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more

Someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Will be near to us once more

Someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am hanging in there. By a thread, but I am hanging in there. Since I last blogged I didn't think things could get worse but they did. But I am just not up to writing it all down. Maybe another time but I really just need to rest. I have a lot of work ahead of me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Merry Christmas. I send blessings to each of you, especially to those of you that suffer with the beast of depression. Peace. Love. Joy.

I need to take a break from blogging. It is not helping me. At this point nothing is helping. I thank you all for your love and comments. I don't know if I will  be back and I am sorry for that. You all mean so much to me. 
Peace and love,

It is just after 8:00 and I am looking out at a world of cold slushy snow. It is 1 C. 

• I am still depressed. More depressed that I have ever been in my entire life. I didn't know depression could get this bad.
• I am still tired. So very tired.

I did venture out today and took my kids to see The Hobbit but came right back home. I then cried for about an hour. Right now my house is cold but I have no desire to go put on the furnace. That takes effort.

Since this whole awful thing has started I have lost about 10 pounds. I just have no desire to eat. I am eating about one decent meal a day but that is all I can manage. Losing that much weight is no big deal. I would need to do that 6 times over for it even to begin to be a concern. I have a lot of weight on the hoof.

I am trying really hard to keep up reading blogs. Right now I am just visiting those who are visiting me. There are just so many blogs and it overwhelms me. 

Almost time for bed, thank God. At least at night I can shut off my brain and sleep. 

One last thing. I just was looking at my stats and I am getting huge amounts of page views everyday. (I get between 15- 20 comments.) Who is reading my blog and not commenting? Is this just entertainment? Are people betting on whether or not I am going to make it through Christmas? Are people stopping by to see if I finally had the nerve to end it. Seriously, WTF? 

I found this article through my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) It really describes how I feel living with depression. 

I awake to find myself exhausted, again. It’s the depression combined with a hangover from the medications I must take at night. I drag my body, aching for another two hours of sleep, out of bed and into the bathroom. I look into the mirror and see what I feared – the ugliest girl in the world. She is fat with a puffy face and dark circles under her eyes... An image not even a mother could love.

But then I remember. That’s the depression talking. It wants me to think I’m the ugliest, dumbest, worst person on the planet. I work to fight the thoughts that rattle around in my head.

I’m driving on my way to work trying to ignore the nausea building in my stomach from the morning medications combined with the small amount of breakfast I managed to choke down. I see an ambulance racing along a street to my right with sirens blazing. My eyes moisten as I think how unfair it is that a person should need an ambulance this early in the morning... 

I sit at my desk at work and stare at the screen of emails that have been received since I went home last night. Every word seems to take a minute to make sense.  Everyone here works so fast. They type so fast. They use so many acronyms and short forms of words. I’m forced to try and translate their senseless letters into meaningful sentences. The emails look like Alphaghetti to me; letters swimming in a bowl instead of making sense on a monitor.

I’ve been lying on my couch for the two hours since I got home from work. I had two meetings and a conference call today;  acting “happy” and “normal” all that time has exhausted me to the point where the idea of getting up to warm a TV dinner is laughable. I know I should eat and I know it’s important for me to maintain a good diet to fight my depression but the muscles in my body just won’t do their job in walking me to the kitchen.

Today has been an incredibly difficult day. Actually, everyday is incredibly difficult but as the above woman says, I am acting happy and normal. I am feeling anything but happy and normal. It feels like I have been alive for 1000 years. I am so very tired. Tired of trying. Tired of trying to make sense of this world we live in. Tonight I heard about a 19 year old man that was beaten almost to death by a 16 year old. It was a simple robbing/mugging gone wrong. The young man is not expected to make it. My head seems like it is connected directly to my heart. Every sad thing that goes on in the world, every unkindness and every injustice hurts. 

"Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?" -The Green Mile

So, I will go to bed and sleep. I hope tomorrow will bring peace and be lighter to carry. 

As I read blogs I see that it is just not me that is tired. Is it because of the holidays or the super short days? Whatever the reason many of us are so tired. I try to read blogs but I just don't have the energy to concentrate.
Anyway, I saw my counselor today and it was a good appointment but I am too tired to try to put together in words what we discussed. I do need to sit down and try to write it out because it was good stuff. We talked about my kids and she gave me some resources on making a marriage work. 
Other than that I did very little today. I went to the library and  then I got a new needle threader because trying to thread three threads into a needle is not a calming thing to do. I came home and everyone helped with dinner and clean-up because that is yet another thing that stresses me. There is no reason why cooking a meal should be left up to one person.
So I did a bit of cross stitch today. Tidied the house a little. Tomorrow I have nothing planned. Oh, how lovely!  As I said I got some books at the library so I can snuggle down and read. Or nap. Naps are wonderful.
Feeling mostly the same today. Just ____________.  And a little sad. And depressed. My brain is exhausted. My counselor asked me today how I was doing and I said that I was simply waiting to feel better. Right now I am erring on the side of not feeling like it is all worth it but I am waiting to not feel that way anymore. It is hard waiting. 

I really overdid it today despite taking every effort to stay centered. I had to finish my Christmas shopping. It was only two stores and that part went well. When I got home I was so tired and just wanted to sleep but I had to go pick my kids up from school. When my son got in the car he told me that he and his friends were going to see The Hobbit and could I give him a ride? *arrrrrrgh!* He so seldom asks for anything but I want into instant panic mode because I knew I would be driving in the dark at rush hour. When I got home I was cranky and had a meltdown. "Why is this house always so fucking hot?", as I opened a window. Kids, husband and cats scattered to anywhere where I wasn't. Anyway, I chilled out after a while. I did take my son to the movie but it was sold out so we just drove back home again. Oh, and I bought a defective space heater at Target and had to return it, making me more grumbly. 
I did do something constructive today. Crafty, even! When reading blogs this morning I came across Morning AJ's blog she is super talented and crafty. I have even been the recipient of her talents! Anyway, she made paper chains and I thought I should give it a try so I did. I did not make them from paper but from shiny metallic gift wrap. It looks very festive on my tree! So, thank you AJ!
There was a ten minute interval today where I felt OK and even a little bit happy but I am still really struggling. I know the synapses in my brain are not connecting. I see my therapist tomorrow. Did I mention I love this woman already? More on that tomorrow. I am sleepy and need to go to bed.
And again. I thank you for stopping by my blog and loving and encouraging me. I am forever grateful. You have no idea. 

shipping container

Oh, and this is my new Winter Solstice box. I am thinking of changing the name to My Resentment Box or I Hate Almost Everything Box. For those of you that live close by you will be able to see the flames when I burn it for Winter Solstice. 

I am glad you all like the Winter Solstice box. In answer to your questions, yes I have done this before but on a much smaller scale. I just had a soup can and burnt a couple of things I wanted to let go. And yes, this was my idea. I have heard of people doing similar ideas but the sealed box and the slips of paper were my idea. I have a lot of things I need to let go so I needed something bigger than a soup can!

Today was a hard day but I got through it with a fair bit of crying and a bit of yelling (I even had the Ungrateful Bastard running in fear) and lots of cross stitch. I have to admit though I am doing everything right I am not feeling better yet. I just can't shake this deep sadness. I am just not feeling a desire to want to live but nor am I really wanting to not live. I don't know. It is all confusing.

I am happy with our Christmas tree and the wee Christmas village so there's that. I changed the sheets on the bed today so there is that too. I ordered some more cross stitch stuff today including a needle threader because I am going to poke someone. I am getting too old to thread needles. I also ordered proper cross stitch needles and the tapestry to the left. 



As usual, I am so tired so i am off to bed. 

This afternoon I started my Winter Solstice box. It is a box filled with little scraps of paper of all the things that have been bothering me, people who have hurt me, situations where I am holding anger, unresolved situations. On the outside I have a note that says, "The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moments comes the light". And, "Goodbye past. I set you free, never to return.". From now until solstice I will continue to fill the box then on the 21st I will burn it. 

Today was an OK day. We out up our tree which makes me glad. Also for the first time I was able to set up my winter village. I would take a picture but I am too tired and it taxes my brain. You know the little porcelain buildings with a light inside? It took me forever to get all the cords covered with the fake snow but it looks nice. Before now I never had the room but I have been buying pieces for years. One of the building is a post office and since my husband just retired from the post office I took the light out and put a 'closed' sign in the front. 

OK, it is time for my bath then bed. 

Went out today for a bit to get a Christmas tree stand and run a couple of errands. It was so busy everywhere we went and I don't like crowds at the best of times. Just bring out that short amount of time made me realize just how tired I am and how hard my brain is having to work to do the simplest of tasks. It is almost like I can feel the connections in my brain not connecting. Anyway, we came home and I took an ativan then just sat on the couch and cross stitched while my husband watched the hockey game. Now it is almost time for bed and I can't wait to have my bath and then have my covers envelop me. I am feeling overwhelmed and sad today at how far I have to go to make it back to normal (for me). How long does it take to recover from a nervous breakdown? You would think I would just want my old life back but that is the last thing I want. Part of it yes, like my family and my job but all the other stuff will be waiting too and I wonder how long it will take me to get back to this state of not being able to cope with anything except the basic tasks of daily living. Right now my husband is doing so much for me and I know I am sucking him dry. Today in the mall I made him promise to stay beside me because it feels like the world is spinning out of control if he is not there. I am so scared that I am going to end up in that black place again. The real world is waiting. I wonder what my other options are. Going on disability? I love my job and don't want to do that. Something has got to give though. I know I need to take one day at a time but I also know I need to plan. But my brain is too fried to plan even tomorrow. Too tired to proofread this so I hope it makes sense. A million hugs to all of you that keep coming back to my blog with your words of love and encouragement. 

Lordy, where do the days go? Tonight both my kids are at their high school dance so I have to stay up until 11:00 so they can be picked up. That is so late for me who goes to bed at 9:30. Oh, well. I can sleep in tomorrow. Today was OK. I am just feeling rather flat. Not happy or sad. Just _____________.  I guess that is better than that deep despair. No, I know it is better than that deep despair. It is scary though, being in this place. Scary and terrifying that I might end up in 'that place' again. It happened so quickly. There were warning signs, yes but they were no different than the other times I went into a depression. It makes me wonder if things would have been different if I got into see my doctor 2 weeks earlier and got on new medication. I knew my medication wasn't working as well as it should. I have never tried to actually take that last big step before. I am still not able to write out that awful word. That "S" word. Though I don't know if that was what I was trying to do. I really don't. I was just so tired. So very tired of the constant buzzing of endless words in my brain and the endless things that needed to be done. I was tired of all the chaos that I have no control over. Right now, after pretty much doing nothing and sitting on the couch for over a week I feel OK but I know that that life is just waiting for me to come back in. I mean, it is just life. Tired. Buzzing. Doing. Chaos. 
For now I will sit on my couch and cross stitch. It is the only thing my brain can follow right now. I am answering a few essential e mails. Eating when I can. Everyday I take a bath and brush my teeth and get dressed. Even the stigma that depressed people sleep all day and stop self-care does not fit my profile. Even at my most depressed I do it all. I check all the boxes and keep a damn smile on my face. 
This weekend we will put up our tree and I am going to enjoy it damn it. My kids are getting older and won't be here forever. I will get dressed, brush my teeth and put a smile on my face. 

Well, I was going to visit all your blogs today but I ended up spending a few hours fixing my son's computer. How can anyone have over 600 items in their recycle bin? *sigh* Anyway, now I am tired and can't think straight. I did have an OK day. I did hours of cross stitch and took my kids to school and that's about it. Usually I nap when I am depressed but with this new medication I am finding that I can't sleep during the day. At night I crash and don't wake up until I have to take my kids to school. Right now, as with every December there are so many school activities going on and it is overwhelming at the best of time. It is very difficult right now to negotiate and navigate it all right now. Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick post. I will try to get caught up on all your blogs tomorrow. 

I am so tired but I will do a quick post. I finally got to see my doctor today. He was, as usual most encouraging and set me on course for the proper medication. I also got to see a therapist who made me feel, in one word, hopeful. Every night I am so tired and fall into bed into a deep sleep. During the day I just mostly sit and cross stitch. You know what is strange? I ordered that cross stitch a couple weeks ago. I had not done cross stitch in years. I am not even sure why I ordered it. Right now cross stitch is what is keeping me centered. Stitch by stitch, row by row. Concentrating on each little X. And as I said, it is actually called The Tree of Life. So today, I am so very tired but hopeful. 

Today has probably been the worst day I have had so far. I stayed in bed all day and either slept or cried. All I managed to do is get my kids to school and pick them up. I can't even describe how low I feel. Probably even lower than last week. How is that possible? My husband can't deal with my moods anymore and went to hotel last night. I understand this. I am not an easy person to live with. Every thought I have is negative. Every breath I take hurts me physically. I can't eat. I have nothing to offer anyone. I just want to be out of this pain. 

I thank you for all the offers of help but I just can't do it right now. I do appreciate every one of you. 

It has been suggested that I blog my way through this but it is proving to be very, very hard. I keep my body moving so I don't have to think. My daughter's behaviors has been quite challenging and my tolerance is nil. She gave me a "whatever" this afternoon so I stopped the car and made her walk home. Then I felt guilty. She deserved it though but that is not how I normally deal with my kids. When I am myself  I can deal with my kids calmly. I did not deal with the situation calmly.
Anyway... I waited all day for my new therapist to call and she didn't. Why am I not surprised? If I did not have my family support I would not be here to write this. When you get discharged from the hospital  and get told to follow up with your family doctor and given a slip of a paper with a anti-depressant medication. You feel completely lost and overwhelmed.  I see now why so many people attempt to kill themselves then try again. And I tell you, all this written honesty is gut wrenching . This does not feel good. I wonder if anyone will ever read this will find it helpful? I am thinking about deleting these last few posts. 
Did some housework today. The cross stitch keeps me centered. I am now making a roast with roasted potatoes. Tomorrow I will try again to get in touch with a therapist. 

By the way, this is a great book.

OK, very, very tired but will do a quick post. Got up and went for breakfast with my husband, came home then went to a Quaker service. I walked the labyrinth then came home and talked to a telephone counselor. I was then done. I was so tired. The rest of the day I just sat on the couch, exhausted. I did cross stitch which is not turning out great but it isn't bad for a beginner. In the past I have read that that the back of the picture should look as neat as the front. WTF? Why is our society so obsessed with perfection? Can't I just cross stitch and enjoy it? My god. The back looks like hell and I am going to keep it that way. 
Anyway, that is about all I did today. It is 9:00 and I am ready for bed. 

A Day

source

One little post a day. I can't decide if I am going to keep up the original post or not. Right now I am working on a huge cross stitch which is ironically called, Tree of Life. Life has a way of mocking me. *very small smile*
The support in my community continues to let me down. First of all I saw not one but two different psychiatrists when I was in the hospital and neither of them mentioned weaning off my current anti-depressant until the new one starts working. Both just told me to start taking the new one with a one week start-off dose. The last few days I have felt worse. Last night was really bad and it was good that my husband has been hanging onto my medication. The desire to want to die was so strong. When I called a counselor this afternoon she was shocked that I was not told to wean off. She said it was like going 140 km in a car then slamming it into reverse. That is exactly how I was feeling. The second part my community support that let me down was my counselor canceled on me today without informing me. It took all my energy to get dressed this morning and get downtown and find a parking spot. When I got to the office nobody was there. I got a hold of the contact and was told that the heating was out so they closed the office. They said they tried to call my but I found out later it was an old number. Anyway, I got a hold of a counselor through my work's EAP and was able to talk to a counselor who set me up with someone new, made a formal complaint about the situation and promised she would call me everyday until I could find someone to talk to on a regular basis. She told me about her son who battles mental illness and I know she had a real passion for her work. She herself is a psych nurse and it was she who told me that I should never had gone off my other medication. The psychiatrists know this but failed to pass this information on to me. 
Anyway... I started to put up a few Christmas decorations. I am working on a cross stitch. I am taking everything minute by minute. My husband is being very supportive. My brother calls twice a day. My dad either calls a couple times a day or comes by. I do know that I am loved. 
And again, all of you. My heart is full. If there is an after-life I want all of you to be my neighbours. And at least 50 years from now. ;-)

Just an update. This won't be long. Everything takes so much energy. I managed to get out for a little bit today because I had to pick up my new glasses and a prescription but I came home as soon as I could. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a therapist. Hanging onto the hope that this new medication and the therapist will help.

And to all of you. Every one of your comments lift me up to a better place. 

A Post

I am so reluctant to write this post. For all of you that face the stigma of depression you might understand. Last week things were getting quite bad. I called my doctor on Thursday and was told he was not available until the 12th, a two week wait. It was strange because I have never experienced depression in the way  Usually I am just low and keep plodding forward but for some reason this weekend I crashed. And this is what happened...

I took an overdose and ended up in the hospital.  It all at once just became too much. I was getting ready for bed and I just could not take it one more second and I decided all at once that I no longer wanted to live. As I write this out now I am trying to think of a way to write this so it makes sense to you, the reader but it doesn't even make sense to me. I want to be honest but I am not even sure what the truth is. It just got to the point where I was suffocating. There was no left of right, forwards of backwards. It was just done.

Anyway, obviously I did not succeed. I was taken to the emergency where I learned what I took was not anywhere near enough to kill me. I was admitted to the emergency psychiatric unit where they supposedly assess you. All that really happened was I was given a pair of puce coloured hospital pajamas and left alone in my room. Someone checked on me every two hours. I was too tired to cry, too tired to think. All I remember was a deep regret that I did not accomplish that what I set out to do. I few times I walked around the main area where there was some pamphlets to read. Everything was locked up. The fridge, the phone, the shower. A psychiatrist finally dropped stopped in to see me and asked me a bunch of questions about my family but didn't seem all that concerned about why I was there. He told me he was going to change my anti-depressant medication but the next day the staff obviously forgot to give it to me because when I was asked (by a totally different psychiatrist) if I had taken medication that morning I told him that I had not even seen anyone that day and it was coming up 11:00. Anyway, he asked me how I was feeling and I wanted to yell at him, "How the fuck do you think I am feeling?" but knew that reaction would only get me sent 'downstairs' where all the hard cases go. I lied and told him I was feeling better and no, I did not want to hurt myself. You don't get support 'downstairs'. You get to watch a communal TV and do crafts. It sounded like something out of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

I was sent home that day in probably worse shape. I was not given a single resource at the time. All the psych doctor said was to follow up with my family doctor. (The same one that I could not get into see for 2 weeks.) 

Anyway, now I am home and a heaviness is all around me. I know I should be back in the hopsital but I can't handle the thought of going there. At least at home I can sleep in my own bed, have a hot bath and work on a cross stitch. (No scissors in the psych ward!) Two community psych nurses are coming by tomorrow to see how I am and what am I to say? Nothing has changed since I took the overdose. Nobody is helping me. Nobody is trying to set things in place for me. (I have to do that myself.) Oh wait, I did have to deal with our medical system to try to get a medication covered. I also had to jump through hoops to get some time off work. Both of those took every ounce of energy I had. Everything else continues on as normal. Driving my kids around, making meals, cleaning up, laundry, feeding the cat... Nothing has changed. I cried out for help (and I think maybe that is what it was) and all I am in now is a free fall. I am going to see a counselor on Saturday but other than that I am more alone than ever. I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this anymore. 
It is a scary place. Obviously I have turned the corner and really am insane now. And my god, I am so very tired. 
And I am terrified to publish this post. 

Oh, but I am up early for a day off. I called into work as my mental state is a little wobbly. I tossed and turned all night long. There is so much adrenaline in my body and it took hours to get comfortable and fall asleep. It is that feeling that runners get in their legs, a burning sort of pain. When I finally did fall asleep it was just a lot of falling asleep then waking up 20 minutes later. I finally just got up. Also the Ungrateful Bastard somehow got out and came and got himself comfortable in the bed. Only he was not being the Ungrateful Bastard, he was actually being very nice and purring and giving love freely. He hasn't done that in a long time. I guess his love tank was full and he wanted to empty it. Or maybe we are heading into December and he knows he has to be a good cat or he will get squat from Santa. Santa is onto him and knows his trick of being nice in December but still always brings presents that Norbert in turn disdains and won't play with. Still, you have to be a very bad cat to get nothing from Santa so Norbert plays the game.
Good god, where was I going with that? Oh, yes. I woke up early. I know a nap will be on my schedule today. I am going to try to get some exercise. I will let you know how that works out. My other goal is to go to Michael's and get a cross stitch. And I also need to colour my hair today. My roots are about two inches long and I look very frumpy. My mom used to use to say she "looked like the wreak of the Hesperus" which is a poem by Longfellow. My mom had some very funny sayings. When I was growing up she often said my bedroom was like "The Black Hole of Calcutta". She also used to say this to my dad only it was about the cellar. Every Christmas she would get herself all riled up as we went to look down there for Christmas decorations. She then would say (every year), "That's it! Next spring we are going down there and dragging everything out and having a yard sale. It looks like The Black Hole of Calcutta down there!" Then we would laugh and laugh and tell her she said that every year and then (every year) she would reply that it was going to happen this year "come hell or high water." (Another one of her favourite sayings.) Of course it never got done. And now that she is dead my dad is like a kid. She can't roll over in her grave because she was cremated but she would have a fit of she could she what the yard looks like right now. There are no less than 6 vehicles in the yard and only one of them is running. That was a bit if a sore point between my mom and dad. My dad is a stereotypical redneck, much like the guys from Duck Dynasty. My mom kept him in check for many years but he reverted to his bachelor ways within a months after she died. I swear to god and this is not a lie, when she was on he literal death bed about a week before dying she pulled me aside and told me to "see to it that I get rid of his grey sweatpants with the red stripe". I promised her I would but  I never did. My god, the man was grieving and I don't think he actually has taken them off for more time it takes to wash them since she died two years ago. When I go over there I snoop around and everything is clean and well kept so I am going to let him keep his awful grey sweat pants with red stripe. He has been warned though. 
Geez Louise. A symptom of depression is inability to concentrate and focus on a task. This post is all over the place and proof of that. 

After faking it for about two months I have to finally admit my anti-depressant medication is no longer working. I cried so much in the last two days that I had to call in sick for work. It is not just depression but circumstances that are going on around me. My marriage is about to die. At this point I am not sure what it is keeping it together. My co-dependent nature keeps believing that things will get better if I only try harder. In 12-step programs they say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. According to that definition, I am insane. And not many people would want to live with a person this depressed. No wonder he is not happy. Anyway, I made an appointment with my doctor but I can't see him until the 12th. I could be dead by that time so I have to see someone else. All I know is I am going through the motions of life but every moment carries a heavy sadness. When I am not sad I am numb and feel nothing at all. And I am tired. So very tired. I feel alone. I look forward to nothing and everything that is coming up on my calendar I dread. (Except my massages. I love my massages.) 

Not much else going on right now but I know that December is always crazy busy. There will be more than enough to do. I think we are spending Christmas with my sister and her family. I wish I could sleep though all of December! Oh, how lovely that would be. When I woke up the days would be getting longer and Christmas would be over. 

OK, I need to say at least one positive thing. Since I have nothing I found these instead. 

Why does time go so much faster when we get older? At least my days off seem to go fast. I really did not do much and now it is time to go back to work. All I did today was rake a few leaves, do some laundry and drive my kids back and forth/to and fro. It is a life of total excitement. 

Today I found this app that takes away the blue light on your computer screen after sunset. Blue light is what keeps us awake and it is best to avoid it but not many of us turn off our computers the recommended two hours before bedtime. I am using the app now and it is much easier on the eyes. http://justgetflux.com 

I think I have an abnormally large head because every set of headphones I use hurt. It is like having my head in a vice with padding.

Last night I found the man that I believe to be my great grandfather. He arrived at Ellis Island in 1912. He was born in Russia in 1896. The problem with Russia is very few records exist because they were destroyed by the communist regime. I am lucky to have found anything. about him at all. When he arrived in America at the age of 16 he changed his name from Alexander to Harry. At 25, he got my 17 year old great grandmother pregnant. They had 7 children then he left her alone to raise them. And that was that. He died in 1968.

The last two days we have had a visiting cat from down the street. He comes and eats our cats food, has a nap then leaves for home again. It is a friendly little cat. Over the last two years we have had several neighbourhood cats come up our back stairs and meow at the slider to be let in. My question is how do they know? Do the neighbourhood cats have a bi-annual conference to discuss where to go when it rains? Do they talk about who gives out cat treats for free? Clean litter box? Warm fireplaces? I think they must because we get a lot of cats that show up at our door. And yes, they have access to all the above. We have trouble saying no to cats. 

I was surprised at how many of you enjoy a motet! It is sort of one of my secrets. Certainly not a topic that comes up over a coffee break with co-workers. It seems all the cool people talk about anything but enjoying a motet. Morning AJ mentioned she like Gregorian Chants. I do as well. There is something so haunting yet mystical and ethereal about both of them. A couple of you thought that they were depressing but I love them. They speak to my spirit. That part deep inside of me that nothing on this earth ever touches. Is it God? I don't know but listening gives me a feeling of peace and serenity. When I want to liven things up I like Saltarello.

OK, enough of the music lesson.

Yesterday I forced my introvert self to go have coffee with someone. It was all I could do not to cancel but I went out and actually had a nice time. I planned it so I would not have to spend too much time out so we met at 2:00 and I pick my kids up at 3:15. The funny thing is she is even more introverted than I am and understood. ha!

If I ever became extremely wealthy I would hire a cook. Where did that come from you ask? Well, I just finished cooking and eating dinner and it always takes so much effort. All I made was spaghetti with Ceasar salad and garlic bread but it felt like it took about 4 hours. And then it is all gone in about 10 minutes and then you have to clean up. So much effort with so little payout. Then you have to do it all again the next day and the day after that. It never ends. Yes, having a cook would be nice.

And here is another thing. How is it that I can spend so much of my life untangling myself from the cords of my laptop? The mouse is always wrapped around my legs and the power cord gets around my feet. I think I spend at least 10 minutes a day getting untangled. Over a lifetime that is a lot of time doing something totally useless. My god. First World Problem. Like when the soap slips off the edge of the tub and I have to reach over and get it but I don't want to because the side of the tub is cold on my skin.

Also, I want another cat. 

Well, work is over for another week. I am left feeling physically drained and exhausted. It is not a nice feeling. Empty. And sad. Not sure why I feel sad. Everything is overwhelming to me right now. Tears are often pricking the back of my eyes. 

There are times of lightness. When I was driving home from work this morning I was listening to CBC Radio and they were playing a 'motet'. If you would like to know what a motet you can check You Tube. I won't link it because most people hate motets with all the hate that is within them. I however love them. Maybe I lived a previous life I spent a lot of time in cathedrals.

Actually, I changed my mind. This is a very famous motet from the movie The Tree of Life. The composer of this, Sir John Tavener died this month. 





Anyway, I am tired and blue. It seems every thought I think I have thought before. I also feel like I no longer have a personality or a voice. 

But such is life. I am sure this mood will pass. 

Today I stated my Christmas shopping. Since I have a fear and general disdain for malls I do everything online. But holy crap everything seems expensive this year! I got a few things purchased then gave up in discouragement. I still have time left before my December 1st deadline to have everything done but I think I need to bump the date to an earlier time because shipping at this time of the year can be very slow. I love Christmas because of the time spent with family and the decorations but everything else about it stresses me out. It sounds very Grinchy of me but I wish we could just skip over December. My kids always have about 50 things they need to go to and *I* have to drive them. Family issues are always a problem. Since my mom died all the family dynamics have changed. It would be nice if Christmas was more like Thanksgiving and everyone just get together for a meal. Even better, a potluck. Maybe draw names for a gift under $20.00.

I am at work tonight and so tired. Our neighbour was banging all day long. Even with the air cleaner going to drown out the noise and ear plugs I can hear him. The problem is his house is on the same side as our bedroom. I am hoping as the weather changes he will not be working outside. I would not mind the noise so much if it were not every single day. Some days he is hammering shit on his house and other days he is hammering shit in his yard. It is making me grumpy. Maybe I need to find an actual white-noise machine but I had one a long time ago when I worked nights and it was an annoying sound. I don't know. Maybe I should go sleep in the basement. There isn't a bed there but I guess I could buy one. Yes, it is that bad that I need to go buy another bed and sleep in a different part of the house.

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I have been feeling blue lately. It could be the Black Dog. I am wondering if I need a change to my medication. I think I will finish the last of this prescription and see my doctor about trying something new. Lately I am so very tired of being clinically depressed. It is obviously never, ever going to go away. It makes me wonder if the abuse I went through as a child did something to my brain. Maybe it tripped something that will never be able to be fixed. Quite honestly, even though medication takes the edge off it doesn't really help all that much. I wish more than anyone that I could 'snap out of it'. God knows I have done everything right. I have done everything the professional suggest but I am still never truly free.

I bought this soup for work and I have to say it was horribly awful. The older I get the less I can eat processed foods. I had two bites and threw it in the kitchen waste bucket. 

It would seem all I do is go to appointments. And lately, I have. Today I had my flu shot, went to the massage therapist and had my eyes examined. The flu shot was a breeze and for the first time ever there was not a single person in the line-up. There are usually a couple hundred. All four of us had our shot and I heard today that shot they are giving this year is bang on and cases of the flu are sporadic. That is good news for not only me but my patients. I worry about my patients getting the flu because it would more than likely kill them. My eye appointment went well and yes, I do need 'reading glasses'. Because I read a lot I ended up getting a pair for reading and a pair for everyday. The reading glasses are a fun shiny purple and the everyday are conservative. It is hard picking out glasses because I can't actually see them to choose what ones look nice so I have to rely on the assistant. When I get them back I will take pictures so you can see. It is going to take awhile because my prescription is complicated but I am looking (no pun intended) forward to seeing properly. 

Not much going on here. Back to work tomorrow. meh I love my job but yeah...meh. 

I had been waiting to get into an Osteopath and got a call this morning that she had a cancellation and could see me in 45 minutes. I got in my car and drove across town and had a treatment and now I feel worse. My Osteopath is a little odd and when I go I end up feeling like it is my fault that I am in pain. She probably doesn't feel that way but this woman has zero personality. When I tell her what is going to she goes immediately into the things I should and should not be doing; kind of stern like. Anyway, I am in more pain now than before I went but apparently that is normal and can last up to 24 hours. I hope so.

I stopped by to see my dad this afternoon and my brother stopped by as well. My dad has been sick with a cold. He is still dealing with the effects of chemo from prostate cancer so his immune system is down. That reminds me...I have to make sure I remind him to get his flu shot. We are all getting ours tomorrow. I am also going to the eye doctor tomorrow. I have not had new glasses in 2 1/2 years and I know my eyes have really changed. 

My son is graduating in 2014. I am in charge of caps and gowns. How is it that time can go so fast? Yesterday I was picking out Osh-Kosh overalls and now I am picking out his cap and gown. So bitter sweet. 

Last night when we went out for dinner our hosts were both sick with a cold and now we are sick. My husband, son and I are all feeling crappy. My daughter appears to be fine so far and went to school this morning. The rest of us are like sloths. It is Typhoid Mary over here. Usually on Monday I clean the house but today I have only managed to strip the bed and start a load of laundry. It is almost 3:00 and I am still in my pajamas have no energy to eat anything. I am taking Cold Fx and will probably be feeling better in time to go back to work. Oh, joy. 

Last night an ambulance pulled into our driveway then left again to go up the street. It went into the house of the man that uses a red-tipped cane which would mean he is visually impaired but sometimes he runs down the street very fast and other times he doesn't use the cane at all. Anyway, there was a police car there as well. I don't know him so I can't be a nosy neighbour and go over and find out what happened but I hope everything is OK. Our other neighbour needed help getting in and out of her car this afternoon and now I am wondering what is going on with her. Ah, the life of a nosy neighbour.

OK, this post has taken me all day to write. That is how slothful I am today. I did end up cleaning the bathroom and putting new sheets on the bed. My god, what would a woman from 100 years ago think of me? Then again, I do have a full-time job, but still. I get a little bit of a cold and my world shuts down. Earlier today I put a load of laundry in the washing machine and forgot to start it. 

My kids are driving me crazy but I think I am driving them just as crazy. From the time they were small they have been taught to not only clean up after themselves but to actually clean. They know how to wash floors, clean the bathrooms, do laundry, cook meals and clean up, vacuum, dust and all the other tasks required to keep a house livable but they just don't do anything without having to be asked. Kids today are so damn lazy. How is it that my kids were raised to look after themselves and yet refuse to do it? Again, 100 years ago things were a lot different. 

I was just looking back at my draft folder an I have one post that says simply, "Tonight I had a phone call." WTF? I have no memory of the phone call, who it was from or what it was about. 

Today is my daughter's 16th birthday. I don't how it is possible that my youngest is 16 because I clearly remember being 16. One of the things I gave her was a ring that I received when I was 16. It would be a really cool blog post if I added the picture from when I received it and today when my daughter received it but I am too tired right now. So, just imagine it. Maybe tomorrow. 

For her birthday my daughter had some of her friends over and I have to say I was impressed. All of them came upstairs and talked to me and were so polite. It proves that not all teenagers are rotten. Even though my Scorpio daughter and I (a double Pieces) don't always agree she is a good kid and I am so incredibly proud of her. She has a tender heart. For several years at school she volunteered her lunch breaks at school with a little girl with Down syndrome. She wants to become an occupational therapist because she had multiple health issues when she was small and remembers all the help she received. 

OK, I just realized the time. We are going out for dinner. Gotta go!

It has come to my attention that I am never going to lose weight. Anyone who has been reading my blog knows that I have tried more than once. Instead I am just going to try to eat as well as I can most of the time. But sometimes I just don't want to eat healthy! Right now I am eating plain Greek yogurt with hemp hearts, flax seed and fresh raspberries. It doesn't taste bad but it certainly isn't delicious. Earlier I had an orange, an apple and melba toast with hummus. Again, not delicious. It would not be my choice of a last meal if I was on death row. I wonder if it is true that you get your choice of meals when you are about to be executed? I really don't think I would be able to eat a thing if I knew I was going to die. But if I did it would involve food with fat and salt.

I signed up for one month of Ancestry World and I would like to know how someone with terrible penmanship could get the job of census taker. Little did they know that people would be looking at their scrawl 100 years later and trying to decipher the name "Cleiria" to mean "Olive".

That is all. 

So, this is my word cloud. I decided to make one because it seems I post the same thing every single day. The common words are sleep, slippers, back injury, hot, laundry and shit. I am surprised peeing and pants didn't show up. 

Anyway, another uneventful few days. Went to Costco yesterday and spent way too much money on stuff I will actually use but my god, life it expensive. My daughter got her passport photo because she needs to update her passport again. It is going to be $160.00 for that. I also got a therapeutic massage yesterday and it hurt a lot but my back is getting better. 

More running around today. My husband and I are trying to find a coat rack for the front door but the ones we found are made of cheap plastic. We have heavy winter coats and plastic will snap. When we were in Canadian Tire I could feel my latex allergy acting up. I really don't know how people can work in that environment. My tongue and lips were tingling. 

I signed up for another palliative course today. It starts in February and goes for 8-weeks. For a long time now I feel stagnant and want to feel more challenged in my career. After this course I want to take the Hospice course as well. 

Today I also cleaned the coffee pot. 

This is my life. 

A Day

A day... I have a lot of those. Sometimes it feels like I should just stop blogging because there is never anything to bloody well blog about. It is Monday and you all already know what that means. I clean my house on Monday. Do about 25 loads of laundry and change the bed and clean the bathroom, sweep the floors and do other stupid shit that needs doing. But now I am sitting and drinking a hot chocolate and thinking on our veterans. I am being grateful that I am here doing my own laundry and sitting in my own house. Yes, I am a Quaker and I am a pacifist and believe in non-violence but I am not stupid. I know that peace sometimes comes at a very high const. I know that no matter how much I practice non-violence in my own life that there are others that don't and won't. It can very conflicting.

Norbert just came and sat with me for about 5 seconds than ran off. I made my daughter clean her bedroom today. She takes the stereotype of teenagers and messy bedrooms to a whole new level. I don't get too upset over it because my bedroom was just as messy when I was her age. Cleanliness did not become important to me until I was well into adulthood. In fact, I know now that I was a hoarder for a few years there. But that is a story for another time. Even though I have 'recovered' it is still painful and very difficult to talk about. It was a very dark time in my life is all I will say.

Tomorrow morning I am going for a massage. I hope I can get this pain managed so I can stop taking ibuprofen. I am still taking it every day and it has been six weeks now. 

Time for a hot bath then off to bed. I love my bed. 

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This is me today. Just add a fuzzy pink bathrobe and purple slippers (don't judge me!) and there is virtually no difference. I even have the whiskers. Normally on Sundays I get off work and come home and sleep but our neighbour chooses Sunday to bang on his house. He doesn't do it on other days, just Sunday. He knows I work nights! This is the same neighbour that chipped mortar off bricks every single day for a year. He doesn't work and I think he is bored. So here I am with about an hour of sleep in the last 24 hours and I am in bad mood # 825 of 2013.

And I will give any one of you a million dollars to give me a hysterectomy.

I am actually happy right now because I was wanting a Coke (don't judge me!) and we never have them in the house but I just remembered that I stashed one in the back of the fridge about two months ago. Some days (of the month) a drink of Coke is like heaven. 

Bad Mood # 729 of 2013

I am in a bad mood. Again. I am. My kids, bless them woke me up by ringing the doorbell non-stop until I opened the door for them this afternoon. They had forgot to take their keys. Two kids. Two keys. No, three keys because we have a hidden key. The problem was I was sleeping because I am working nights. When I answered the door they were pissed off at me! And my son was in a particularly surly mood because I have taken his laptop away until Monday because the rule in our house is all electronic devices off at 10:00. When I got up last night he was still watching a movie at 10:40. He said there wasn't a clock in the living room. Seriously? Apparently so. Anyway... Now I am tired and know by the end of my shift tomorrow morning I am going to be walking in my sleep. Ah, well. Such is life.

This weekend Ancestry has free access to military records but I am really waiting for WW 2. (Freedom of Information does not allow access yet.) I have found a few records for WW 1 but I already knew most of them. Like this man. He is my first cousin four times removed. Doesn't he look young? He signed up in 1914 at 21 and died the following year in France. He is buried in France at Le Treport Military Cemetery.  It got me thinking of the sacrifice he made and now all these years later nobody remembers him. I wanted it not to be that way. So here he is.

And here is my papa. He died this year at the age of 90. He went off to war and never spoke of it again. We knew he was injured but he never said what the injury was. We do know he received a pension for that injury. 






OK, that is it. I am going to go drink my Tim Horton's coffee and brood. After the coffee I will feel better.