I found this article through my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) It really describes how I feel living with depression. 

I awake to find myself exhausted, again. It’s the depression combined with a hangover from the medications I must take at night. I drag my body, aching for another two hours of sleep, out of bed and into the bathroom. I look into the mirror and see what I feared – the ugliest girl in the world. She is fat with a puffy face and dark circles under her eyes... An image not even a mother could love.

But then I remember. That’s the depression talking. It wants me to think I’m the ugliest, dumbest, worst person on the planet. I work to fight the thoughts that rattle around in my head.

I’m driving on my way to work trying to ignore the nausea building in my stomach from the morning medications combined with the small amount of breakfast I managed to choke down. I see an ambulance racing along a street to my right with sirens blazing. My eyes moisten as I think how unfair it is that a person should need an ambulance this early in the morning... 

I sit at my desk at work and stare at the screen of emails that have been received since I went home last night. Every word seems to take a minute to make sense.  Everyone here works so fast. They type so fast. They use so many acronyms and short forms of words. I’m forced to try and translate their senseless letters into meaningful sentences. The emails look like Alphaghetti to me; letters swimming in a bowl instead of making sense on a monitor.

I’ve been lying on my couch for the two hours since I got home from work. I had two meetings and a conference call today;  acting “happy” and “normal” all that time has exhausted me to the point where the idea of getting up to warm a TV dinner is laughable. I know I should eat and I know it’s important for me to maintain a good diet to fight my depression but the muscles in my body just won’t do their job in walking me to the kitchen.

Today has been an incredibly difficult day. Actually, everyday is incredibly difficult but as the above woman says, I am acting happy and normal. I am feeling anything but happy and normal. It feels like I have been alive for 1000 years. I am so very tired. Tired of trying. Tired of trying to make sense of this world we live in. Tonight I heard about a 19 year old man that was beaten almost to death by a 16 year old. It was a simple robbing/mugging gone wrong. The young man is not expected to make it. My head seems like it is connected directly to my heart. Every sad thing that goes on in the world, every unkindness and every injustice hurts. 

"Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?" -The Green Mile

So, I will go to bed and sleep. I hope tomorrow will bring peace and be lighter to carry.