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The support in my community continues to let me down. First of all I saw not one but two different psychiatrists when I was in the hospital and neither of them mentioned weaning off my current anti-depressant until the new one starts working. Both just told me to start taking the new one with a one week start-off dose. The last few days I have felt worse. Last night was really bad and it was good that my husband has been hanging onto my medication. The desire to want to die was so strong. When I called a counselor this afternoon she was shocked that I was not told to wean off. She said it was like going 140 km in a car then slamming it into reverse. That is exactly how I was feeling. The second part my community support that let me down was my counselor canceled on me today without informing me. It took all my energy to get dressed this morning and get downtown and find a parking spot. When I got to the office nobody was there. I got a hold of the contact and was told that the heating was out so they closed the office. They said they tried to call my but I found out later it was an old number. Anyway, I got a hold of a counselor through my work's EAP and was able to talk to a counselor who set me up with someone new, made a formal complaint about the situation and promised she would call me everyday until I could find someone to talk to on a regular basis. She told me about her son who battles mental illness and I know she had a real passion for her work. She herself is a psych nurse and it was she who told me that I should never had gone off my other medication. The psychiatrists know this but failed to pass this information on to me.
Anyway... I started to put up a few Christmas decorations. I am working on a cross stitch. I am taking everything minute by minute. My husband is being very supportive. My brother calls twice a day. My dad either calls a couple times a day or comes by. I do know that I am loved.
And again, all of you. My heart is full. If there is an after-life I want all of you to be my neighbours. And at least 50 years from now. ;-)
As I learned today, you have to keep reaching out. There will be arms to catch you.
ReplyDeleteSounds like this new one will keep on top of things. I'm glad you're keeping focused. Stay strong. This too shall pass. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that there are (finally) some tiny positives. About bloody time.
ReplyDeleteHugs and love.
I am glad you have a counselor you feel comfortable with right now. Hang in there. We are pulling for you.
ReplyDeleteMy mom does small cross-stitch squares, and uses them as pretty lids on little jars of candy to give out at Christmas.
The lack of professional courtesy is amazing. I'm glad you the psychiatric nurse who is mindful of you. We are all mindful of you. Keep taking it moment by moment. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteSigh....I wish I could cross stitch. It's impossible for me, what with my monkey fingers and bad eyes.
ReplyDeleteWeaning from the meds is such a tricky thing. I knew a woman once who doctors just kept giving her pills. The next thing you know, she had to go to a 90 day rehab and they told her she was a week from death. She's fine now, happy and healthy. If they can help her, they can help anyone.
Lean on people.
And dibs on a corner spot with a southern exposure, if we are going to be neighbors!
Some people help, some hinder. Too bad some of the doctors and counselors were duds. Keep working that cross-stitch!
ReplyDeleteDebra's absolutely right. Shop until you find the right professionals, and don't be afraid to advocate for yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it.
I'm glad you are finding moments to do good things like the cross stitching and putting up some Christmas decorations. When times are tough it's important to cling on to things that bring you some joy. I hope the medication works.
ReplyDeleteThat Tree of Life cross stitch looks so beautiful. Cross stitching must take so much patience. I think it would be good for me lol. Good to hear that after the initial mess up the counsellor you spoke to is thorough and dedicated. Those meds are a pain, glad that you are getting the proper advice now about how to manage them. Great to hear how wonderful your family are being. I like the idea of giving you a virtual hug a day. Keep taking those little steps and know that it will pass and you will feel well again. xx
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember a time when we saved Green Stamps. They gave them at the grocery store and when we had saved several books full, we could cash them in at the Green Stamp store on purchases, like radios, lamps, televisions, etc.
ReplyDeleteMy counselor once told me that by hanging onto bad memories and/or experiences it was like I was collecting brown stamps and saving them to cash in on a terrible depression and/or suicide. He suggested I let them go instead of hanging onto them. It helped me a great deal to quit going over and over them and instead to move forward with each new day.
The pain will subside, I promise. Hang on. I'm thankful they men in your life are stepping up. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased to see you blogging, and stitching, and keeping going with things. It's a real shame that your doctors have been a bunch of total wasters. Sounds like your new counsellor might be better though. Fingers crossed. (Mine, that is. You can't stitch with crossed fingers!)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful needle work! I used to do cross stitching. I should start doing it again.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your doctors are asshats. But then most of them are. Nurses and counselors really do care; it's just that many times their hands are tied because of doctors.
I'm glad you have the support of your family. You know we all would be there with you now if we could. We love you dear.
Yes, you are very loved. I'm happy to hear that you are taking it a moment at a time, and keeping busy. I will be happy to be your neighbour in the after-life....but, hopefully, many MANY years from now.
ReplyDeleteBirdie, that is a gorgeous cross stitch! As I was stitching last night I was thinking of you and was pretty sure your design had a tree in it...the tree of life is one of my favorite motifs (I have an unfinished sewing project from last year, also of the tree of life). The "November" cross stitch pattern I'm doing now of course has bare trees in it, and it just struck me now that's probably why I picked it...cuz I have a thing for dead trees right now (and all trees in general). I'll try to take a pic and post about it in my blog. I haven't sewn in a while and I find it very calming...I so glad you found it good for you too.
ReplyDeleteI've never had the bravery to try such a HUGE design like the one you did here...you really outdid yourself! Did you know they have places on the internet that will finish your projects for you? It's a very popular service for people to finish a topper into a quilt. If you decided against making it into a quilt, your design would make a beautiful table scarf or wall hanging. Congrats on such big finish. :)