Lordy, where do the days go? Tonight both my kids are at their high school dance so I have to stay up until 11:00 so they can be picked up. That is so late for me who goes to bed at 9:30. Oh, well. I can sleep in tomorrow. Today was OK. I am just feeling rather flat. Not happy or sad. Just _____________. I guess that is better than that deep despair. No, I know it is better than that deep despair. It is scary though, being in this place. Scary and terrifying that I might end up in 'that place' again. It happened so quickly. There were warning signs, yes but they were no different than the other times I went into a depression. It makes me wonder if things would have been different if I got into see my doctor 2 weeks earlier and got on new medication. I knew my medication wasn't working as well as it should. I have never tried to actually take that last big step before. I am still not able to write out that awful word. That "S" word. Though I don't know if that was what I was trying to do. I really don't. I was just so tired. So very tired of the constant buzzing of endless words in my brain and the endless things that needed to be done. I was tired of all the chaos that I have no control over. Right now, after pretty much doing nothing and sitting on the couch for over a week I feel OK but I know that that life is just waiting for me to come back in. I mean, it is just life. Tired. Buzzing. Doing. Chaos.
For now I will sit on my couch and cross stitch. It is the only thing my brain can follow right now. I am answering a few essential e mails. Eating when I can. Everyday I take a bath and brush my teeth and get dressed. Even the stigma that depressed people sleep all day and stop self-care does not fit my profile. Even at my most depressed I do it all. I check all the boxes and keep a damn smile on my face.
This weekend we will put up our tree and I am going to enjoy it damn it. My kids are getting older and won't be here forever. I will get dressed, brush my teeth and put a smile on my face.
Hugs. And hopes for better days. Much better days.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried making lists? It helps me when I feel overwhelmed. I write down everything I think needs to be done, then prioritise. Even combing hair and cleaning teeth. Cross off anything that can wait till tomorrow and make sure you put a big tick by everything you achieve. You ARE achieving things. Every day. So be proud of yourself. X
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Birdie. Brighter days will come, this too shall pass. Don't live in dread; just try to keep busy doing things that make you happy, or at least peaceful and distracted, and take each day as it comes *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you're making progress. The tone is shifting in these posts. That's good.
ReplyDeleteSomething to remember (and which I have had to relearn so many times) is that coming out of depression can be like childbirth- one step forward, two steps back. Still, progress is made. Slow, steady, even when you can't see it. Even when you can't feel it. Trust and breathe.
ReplyDeleteI say "Ditto" to Elephant's Child.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling better, upgraded to flat is good. I was one of those depressed people who still functioned as well. There was always a meal on the table and the laundry was done but I was gone inside.
ReplyDeleteThe night I thought of killing myself scared the shit out of me. It's the night I started to take my disease seriously.
Sending hugs.
If I were Christian I would scream Hallelujah! You at least sound so much better than you have been in the past week. I'm happy that you are getting along much better.:)
ReplyDeleteYour on your way to better days birdie! So happy to read the meds are working and your coming back to life! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteBetty
I get you there. A doctor once said I had a smiling depression whatever that is. Probably rubbish. I think he just meant I could function and did carry on. Behind the scenes however I paid for just carrying on and physically my body gets to the point when I have to stop or else...
ReplyDeleteBut I still keep going like one of those baddies that keeps getting up at the end of a film though people have shot him so many times. I am going to take a leaf from your book now and force myself to get downstairs with the tree and damn well enjoy putting it up. I will think of you as I do so and hope you did enjoy your kids and the love and the tree etc. xxx
You are moving forward, even if it is only baby steps. Feeling flat is definitely above despair, and even above feeling crappy. Keep on going, girl.
ReplyDeleteI react to depression in the same way--get up, feed people, brush my teeth, sometimes put a smile on. I also tend to suppress my feelings, which only makes the depression worse. It's been pretty liberating for me to just go ahead and FEEL angry, or sad, or whatever.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You are in a better spot. Not the best spot, but better. Keep it up.
Getting dressed can be the hardest thing in the world. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete