Oh, but I am up early for a day off. I called into work as my mental state is a little wobbly. I tossed and turned all night long. There is so much adrenaline in my body and it took hours to get comfortable and fall asleep. It is that feeling that runners get in their legs, a burning sort of pain. When I finally did fall asleep it was just a lot of falling asleep then waking up 20 minutes later. I finally just got up. Also the Ungrateful Bastard somehow got out and came and got himself comfortable in the bed. Only he was not being the Ungrateful Bastard, he was actually being very nice and purring and giving love freely. He hasn't done that in a long time. I guess his love tank was full and he wanted to empty it. Or maybe we are heading into December and he knows he has to be a good cat or he will get squat from Santa. Santa is onto him and knows his trick of being nice in December but still always brings presents that Norbert in turn disdains and won't play with. Still, you have to be a very bad cat to get nothing from Santa so Norbert plays the game.
Good god, where was I going with that? Oh, yes. I woke up early. I know a nap will be on my schedule today. I am going to try to get some exercise. I will let you know how that works out. My other goal is to go to Michael's and get a cross stitch. And I also need to colour my hair today. My roots are about two inches long and I look very frumpy. My mom used to use to say she "looked like the wreak of the Hesperus" which is a poem by Longfellow. My mom had some very funny sayings. When I was growing up she often said my bedroom was like "The Black Hole of Calcutta". She also used to say this to my dad only it was about the cellar. Every Christmas she would get herself all riled up as we went to look down there for Christmas decorations. She then would say (every year), "That's it! Next spring we are going down there and dragging everything out and having a yard sale. It looks like The Black Hole of Calcutta down there!" Then we would laugh and laugh and tell her she said that every year and then (every year) she would reply that it was going to happen this year "come hell or high water." (Another one of her favourite sayings.) Of course it never got done. And now that she is dead my dad is like a kid. She can't roll over in her grave because she was cremated but she would have a fit of she could she what the yard looks like right now. There are no less than 6 vehicles in the yard and only one of them is running. That was a bit if a sore point between my mom and dad. My dad is a stereotypical redneck, much like the guys from Duck Dynasty. My mom kept him in check for many years but he reverted to his bachelor ways within a months after she died. I swear to god and this is not a lie, when she was on he literal death bed about a week before dying she pulled me aside and told me to "see to it that I get rid of his grey sweatpants with the red stripe". I promised her I would but I never did. My god, the man was grieving and I don't think he actually has taken them off for more time it takes to wash them since she died two years ago. When I go over there I snoop around and everything is clean and well kept so I am going to let him keep his awful grey sweat pants with red stripe. He has been warned though.
Geez Louise. A symptom of depression is inability to concentrate and focus on a task. This post is all over the place and proof of that.
These are such hard times for you. I so much wish they weren't.
ReplyDeleteTry to get the exercise. I took a walk today and it does help. It really does.
Walking is great before bedtime. It also gives you time to think about stuff. I used to do it a lot just to work out problems.
ReplyDeleteDarlin, I was institutionalized for 2 years for depression. You are not crazy just because you go off topic. You are just depressed because of your mother's death. It happens. I thought I would revert back to my own Black Dog days when my father died 11 years ago, but it wasn't happening because I was stronger than that Black Dog. I learned to control my depression with meditation, prayer, walking, and it doesn't hurt having a hobby or two. You just need to find your Zone. Once you're in the Zone you are safe. That's where I am now. I'm in my Safe Zone. You just have to find yours. Sometimes it's reading, gardening, meditation, or whatever makes you happy. You'll get there girlfriend.
Sounds like your Mum is close by as you are thinking about her lots today and she is shining through your post. Though I know you do this everyday anyway. I like to think she is keeping an eye on you along with all of us. I agree about the excerise. That is something I am missing loads at the moment. Forced myself out for a walk in the wild wind last night though and feel better for it. Some gentle stretching before bed tonight I think. Keep doing what makes you feel even the tiniest bit more in touch with you and you'll beat that horrid dog yet. xx
ReplyDeleteALL of those phrases your mama used were heard in my house too. And made my eyes leak a bit, because I haven't heard them since my mother died.
ReplyDeleteHave as good a day as you can. And nap. Pushing the ungrateful feline out of your bed if necessary.
I love those phrases - I was thinking about a relative who is gone who I still miss, and was thinking about some of the unintentionally funny things she said.
ReplyDeleteHang in. And do get rid of the sweatpants!
I actually enjoyed your "all over the place" post. It was good reading about your family and the battle of the Black Hole of Calcutta.
ReplyDeleteI have personally used (many times) each and every one of your Mom's expressions!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteBeen off the grid awhile in my blogging and reading. I personally enjoyed your post. it wasn't all over the place...it was your thoughts running around in your head and falling into place on the keyboard. I always leave your blog with a smile. Happy day!
Betty
Your post is honest. That's all that matters, because it means that readers will get value from it. I hope this week will be a better one for you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteGood Heavens! We are all a bunch of motherless daughters here. My mom has been gone 22 years and I still think of her often.
ReplyDeleteBlogging all over the place is a good thing if it helps keep the dog on his chain. The chain gets pretty weak around the holidays for a lot of people, me included.
Your mom sounds like she was a lot of fun! And I bet your cat senses that you're feeling bad, and is trying to cheer you up. Somewhere under all the fur there is a heart. I hope you're feeling better. Hang in there, girl!
ReplyDeleteThe post kept my attention, as always. Just seemed as though you were expressing a few thoughts or events.
ReplyDeleteI don't take this post as any depression...I read it as what great strides you have taken in the last couple of years! To think about your mom in a funny kind of way is healing....may one day all of your memories be of happiness and love.
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass, you know it will.
ReplyDeleteI’ve just come out of a spell of the black dog - actually, he’s still around but at least I’m out of the hole - and it was beastly, at least the bits I remember. Most of the time I was in a miserable fog.
What I’m doing at the moment is writing a short post every day about nothing much. Forcing myself to think about the day is making me come up for air. It’s an enforced task which I hope will gradually bring back the light.
Care to try it?
I get the restless tingly legs too, especially when I'm jacked up about something (or hormonal, I've noticed.) the best thing for the adrenaline thing is exercise. Seriously. Your body is screaming at you to pay attention, that's how I always look at it anyway, so when I feel like that, I walk (because that's what works for me) until I feel like I can't take another step. It helps regulate my breathing, gives me a chance to work through my feelings, and it burns off all that excess energy you get with anxiety and shitty feelings. Does this make sense?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope you are feeling better now. Big hugs to you!