He is Gone!

The Black Dog jumped off the cliff and I am so grateful!   (See post below.) Last night after crying and feeling empty something shifted and the burden began to lift.  I am not sure why the shift because today had promised to be a very stressful day but I got through it and got through it most awesomely I might add.  A co-worker has been harassing me for about 4 months now to the point that I was not wanting to go to certain work sites. She is one of those mean people that walks around with a scowl and numerous other co-workers don't like her and have noticed the way she treats me.  Being passive I let it go and let it go.  Long story short, we both got called in to the office today and all I did was stand strong and told the truth.  At the end of the hour long meeting she was reprimanded for her behaviour and was cited for workplace bullying.  I left feeling so relieved!  But it was before all that happened that a peace came over me.  Somewhere inside me strong Birdie must have grabbed the Black Dog by the throat. 

Tonight I am so, so tired but not tired in a way that no sleep will ever cure.  It is a tired of weeks of being in a funk.  An, "I can breathe again" tired.  Frick it feels good.
One last thing.  The other day I mentioned that I was going to plant a tree in my yard in memory of my mom. Yesterday my fiancé told me he is going to buy the tree and also purchase a bench to sit beside the tree so I have a place to go and feel close to my mom. That is why I love him so much.  Yep, we drive each other nutty but I don't know how I would go through life without him. 

I know I have posted this picture before but I love it.
Right now it is on my desktop. 

Sometimes I think I don't sleep.  There are snippets here and there but it seems these days I am awake more than I should be.  However, at the moment I am quite clear-headed and that is a good thing because it doesn't happen often. 

This grief, this sadness, this depression and anxiety is growing old. Did you know that other than my fiancé, my blog friends are the only people who really know how I am feeling? Strange thing, that.  You are people who have become a part of me and are helping me through the shittiest time of my life.  I am glad for you. There is a scripture in the Bible that says I thank my God every time I remember you. And I do. 

As I sit here, not sleeping, clear-headed for the moment I am trying to figure some things out.  First, why are so many of us depressed? Why are so many of us dealing with anxiety?  Is it because people in general are anxious and depressed or is our common bond bringing us together?  I must admit, when I read a blog where the writer is all fucking happy and shit I end up passing them by. Maybe I gravitate to you because I know you know the days of being curled in a ball and wondering what the point is and how how we are going to get up and do it again. Maybe you gravitate to me for the same reasons. You sure as hell aren't reading for my gut-splitting posts.  

I am also trying desperately to be well and get better. My mom's dying and death was perhaps a catalyst.  I don't know.  Actually, I do.  When she lay dying and even the time before, everything I thought to be true was thrown away.  Things I would have staked my life on slipped through my fingers like vapour. So now, I am rebuilding but I have no idea where to start.  And it is terrifying. Tonight I started researching panic and anxiety and I kept getting drawn to Mindfulness.  Mindfulness and depression teaches the opposite of what we have been told.  Instead of running away from depression and anxiety it teaches us to embrace it. I am not really sure what that means so I will be looking into it some more and let you know how it goes.  If you know, please enlighten me.  I just know at this point I really can't take this any more.  Tonight is the first time in a while where I am feeling like the the Black Dog is not going to win.  I am really uneasy about what tomorrow brings because lately he has been showing up every damn day but it is so nice to come up for air.  Maybe at the end of the day we can get through this together. 

This is funny.

http://shameyourpet.com/

I am Unslept

Is that even possible?  Can a person be unslept?  It is coming up as a spelling error so I guess it is grammatically incorrect.  However, I don't care because I am unslept. Earlier tonight I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open so I had a quick soak in the hot tub and put myself to bed.  It was a sleep of dreams. Trying to figure out filing systems of palliative patients.  Wanting to help but not able to find any information at all on their life.  In the dream I am trying to call my nurse leader but my cell phone is soaking wet and the screen is blurred and I can't find her number in my contacts list. I turn on lights and they go off again and I have to feel my way down the hall. The dream goes on to getting a call for someone that needs care but I can't find their home.  After I woke up I couldn't fall back to sleep so I turned on my computer and read some blogs.  I also went downstairs and drank the last of the orange juice and put the jug back in the fridge to get back at my kids for doing the same thing to me. ha ha. 

I was just looking over at my "Followers" list and it says 124. That is not possible.  I think there are people that say they are following you just so you will follow them.  So, who really is reading this blog?  Please say hello if you haven't before!

There is a certain way the light shines on my carpet and reflects on my counter tops that reminds me of this time last year.  I stare at the light and wonder if it holds a portal to another time. Last year on this day I drove in an ambulance that took my mom to Palliative care.  But the memory of the way the light hits my carpet and counter-tops makes my breath heavy and brings along a melancholy mood. I try to turn of different lights to to chase away the shadows that remind.  It doesn't work. The day she went into Palliative care she was so decisive.  She had a list of things she wanted to bring.  Pillow. Pink robe.  Purple blanket.  Glasses. Toothbrush.  There are not a lot of things you need to take with you to die.  Near the end the glasses gave her headaches and brushing her teeth made her tired.  The robe hung in the back of the door as a mockery that she would no longer be getting out of bed.  I ended up taking it home. Then, the blanket was tossed aside.  Too heavy and it hurt her frail body.  So it was just her pillow that saw her through to the end.  Her pillow. 

Many of you have mentioned doing something to remember and honour my mom.  At the end of September I am going to plant a pink Dogwood tree.  Dogwoods are British Columbia's provincial flower and my mom's favourite.  Dogwoods come in yellow and pink and I have decided on a pink one. Pretty, don't you think? 

Geez, I didn't mean to make this such a sombre post but the light tonight.  It forced itself upon me and made me remember.  

Screw you, Blogger!

Last week I posted my issue of attempting to update my Reading List.  If this goes on much longer I am going to turn into the She-Hulk.  I keep getting this message and have been for about 6 months now. 

" We are unable to load your Friend Connect data at this time. We apologise for the inconvenience. Please try again shortly."  

 Sometimes I think my life is "The Truman Show" and everyone is laughing at me and setting me up with things they know will piss me off.  Like right now. I am updating my son's computer and it has been installing update 50 of 83 for over half an hour now.  It is no wonder so many of us are depressed and don't want to get out of bed. It is enough that we have to deal with real shit but then First World Problems send us over the edge.  You just wait.  The day I go completely insane will be because of something minor like not being able to figure out the new channel line-up.  Why do they have to keep mixing them up?  A few months back my cable provider did this.

Channel 2 became channel 44
Channel 44 became channel 43
Channel 43 became channel 2

What the fuck, anyway? Then they made channel 44 (previously channel 2) channel 96.  For the love of god!  

On to better things...

We have booked the train and will travelling in October to Ontario and Quebec.  We are also going to OKTOBERFEST! Eeeee! Drinking beer at Oktoberfest is on my Bucket List.  After that we are going to Montreal and Quebec City.  I am so pumped!  

Do you know what?  I still have a cold.  That has been a month now.  Do you remember when we were little and you had a cold?  You took one day off of school.  Maybe two if you were on your death bed.  These days viruses kick us to the curb for weeks or even months.  What is up with that?  Maybe it is an issue of not getting rid of the first cold then getting another one.  But it is August!  I shouldn't complain because there is bigger shit to bitch about like my son's computer is still installing update 50 of 83!  

I just decided, other than being green I wouldn't mind turning into the She Hulk.  She is smokin' hot.  

Down a Rabbit Hole

My G, G, G, G, G Grandmother

Geneology!  Ag!  Last week I received and e mail from my first cousin once removed.  (My dad's cousin.) He and I are the geneology buffs of the family.  He more so than I because he is retired and has more time than I do.  Between the two of us we have traced very far back. With some branches we have gone back to 32 great grandparents which is pretty meaningless because it is just a name.  If anyone has spent any time looking up ancestors you will know finding people in the last 100 years is the hardest because of the Freedom of Information and Privacy Act.  Once someone has been dead a good long while you can find anything without going too crazy in the process.  You will go crazy but it is not like looking for recent relative. 

In his e mail he was asking me if I knew where my great grandparents were married.  We know their full names, their date of birth and date of death and the birth dates of their parents and children but a marriage record so far does not exist!  It is hidden under the FIPA.  But maybe it isn't hidden because it would be around 100 years ago that they married. The problem could be a spelling issue.  That happened a LOT back them.  Anyway, here I am after 11:40 at night trying to find anything and finding nothing.  What drives us geneology people?  It is that nugget that you will find after months or years of searching.  You want to cry because it is so exciting!  I remember the first time I found a picture of my great, great, great, great, great grandmother.  I stared at it for hours.  It is now in my home and I look at her often.  I bet she would have been glad to know that I think of her.  In a way, I feel her love.  Grandparents love so easily!  Maybe one day my great, great, great, great, great granddaughter will read these words and think of me. If you are she, I am not as nutty as you think.  Depression and anxiety have probably been cured.  At least I hope so.  And I do love you because you are part of me.

Oh, last night I bought some super charged B vitamins for stress.  I am hoping they will calm me a little.  Or a lot! Maybe by this time next month I will have an Ashram in my home and people will be in awe at how calm I am.   Hahahahahahhaha!  Not bloody likely! 

I Have Nothing Interesting To Say

Really, I have nothing to say. I am feeling a little better but I am still struggling.  At this point I have no idea if it is grief, peri-menopause or that damn black dog of depression.  Maybe it is a bit of all three.  Probably is. Whatever the reason it is exhausting and I just want it to go away.  

Tomorrow, my mom will have been gone 11 months.  How can that be?  There are no words to describe how hard it is or how much I miss her.  Everyone says to give it at least a year and I am here to tell you that a year is not enough.  All I can say is it is different.  Quite honestly, my heart breaks a little more every day. 

Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

Well, here I am.  Home in my house.  I spent the day cleaning, changing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom and puttering. I have to be very aware of not over-doing but that is almost impossible. The rest over the last 5 days did me good and it was nice to just go away. The staff in crisis housing were so nice. No judgement and they accepted me for who I am and where I was at.  
My dad just called and he is back home.  I gave him a wee reprimand for leaving and not telling me that he was going away. 

My fiancé and I are thinking about planning a trip to Montreal this fall.  Doesn't that sound like fun?  We are thinking of taking the train to see the changing of the leaves. It has been a while since we have been away and I think we really need this time to reconnect and spend time rekindling the love and passion that has been squelched these last years.  His mom and sister's death.  My mom's death.  Moving in together and learning all sorts of things about each other.  There was a time when we were ga-ga over each other and madly in love and we need to find that again.  We are still in love but it has been so long since we were just together.

The sun is going down and I am going to sit in my hot tub then go to sleep in my own bed.  Getting away was nice but there is nothing sweeter than sleeping in my own bed beside the man I love. 

Tired but OK

I am still in crisis housing but I am going home tomorrow.  I am still so tired but feeling like I am able to manage my life a little better than a few days ago.  As it always is with me, I wait until it gets to be too much.  I think back on the last couple of months and see that a breakdown was coming.  My mom is gone forever and my (step) dad is on the planet but I am never see him.  He promised me that last time I saw him that he would at least give me a a phone call if he was to leave town but he didn't.  Instead I had to go by his house and found my drunken drug addicted uncle there with some man I don't even know.  My dad is gone and some man is in my mom's house using her things and sleeping in her bed.  The house is wide open because both men are too drunk to think of locking the windows and doors.  To me, it feels like the house is being desecrated and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  

What happened to my family?  I used to see my family all the time.  My brother, sister and I (with our kids) would all turn up at my mom and dad's house on the weekend and have dinner.  We roasted marshmallows and hot dogs over a fire.  We walked to the beach and went swimming.  We were so close.  Out of all the people I knew, my family was the closest.  People used to look at us in awe and wondered how we did it. The day my mom died it all changed.  My dad is now a stranger.  And I can't even go inside my mom's home because the drunk is there.  I can't say anything to my dad because he thinks the sun rises and sets on his brother (my uncle).  The real fucking clincher is that I can't even go the cabin that my mom and dad were building because the drunken uncle's children are there.  (6 children from 4 different women.)  They are also addicts and drunks.  My uncle is letting one of his ex-wives stay there.  And does my dad do anything about it? No!  The cabin was supposed to be for my mom and dad and us kids.  Ya, right.  The old saying, "my mom would roll over in her grave". One of the saddest things is my kids are asking me why they never see Papa anymore. My daughter told me the other day she feels abandoned.  What am I supposed to say to that? 

I have tried to be patient but I have had enough.  The next time I can get into the house I am going in and taking anything that is my mom's because knowing my uncle's past, it will be destroyed. The realization is coming to me that maybe my step-dad just wants to move on with his life. It hurts just as much as losing my mom but it has been almost a year.  I miss my family.  The one thing that I counted on has failed.  

Anyway,  I am not sure where all this came from because I was only going to say hello and thank you for all the comments and you got some verbal diarrhea instead.  I usually try to respond to all your comments but I am just to tired right now.  So instead, I will say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I love you all. 

I am off to bed. 

Running Away From Home

I have never done this before.  Well, I did when I was little and my mom coaxed me home with strawberry Quik.  Today I ran away from home. 
It all started this morning when I decided to take some proactive steps to try to get my life on track. First I went to the health food store and got a supplement to see if that helps until I can see my gynecologist. Through my employer I am able to get counselling so I called to set some things set up. I spoke with an intake counsellor for about 30 minutes.  After the call ended I was feeling better but nervous.  Anyway, I took the steps she suggested and it ended up blowing up in my face. I lost it.  I ended up going to the walk-in crises counselling because I couldn't stop crying.  When  I got there some suggestions were made and the nurse wanted me to be admitted to crisis housing where I can relax and get my thoughts together. (A nut house?)  This particular place is for people who need time to figure things out.  The nurse on duty said I was obviously suffering from exhaustion.  However, there are no beds tonight so I have to wait.  She is going to call me tonight to make sure I am not going to harm myself. (I won't.)  I made some phone calls and I am now at a home where I am safe until I can be admitted. I am so tired right now.  It is hot and I need to sleep.  So tired. So weary.  

Today I don't feel like jumping off the side of a cliff.  And I don't have the desire to break anything.  I rested in bed a good part of the day and read.  My throat is sore and I have lost my voice.  My family is rejoicing in that!  It makes me realize the value of silence because quite frankly I never shut up.  Which reminds me of a funny story.  A couple of years back I took a course at the university.  The first part of the 6-month long course was a communications and personality profiling course and we were given a piece of cardboard to write our name.  On my card I wrote my name and that my personality colour is blue.  (Blue's love to talk and I am no exception.)  Anyway, knowing my propensity to talk I wrote on the back of the card "Zip It!".  I wrote it as a reminder to shut the hell up.  A few days into the course we started talking about blue's and how they love to talk.  I decided to show the class my "zip it" sign and told them how I was dying and couldn't handle not talking for one more minute.  I let them know for every story I had told there were about 10 more that I decided to keep to myself.  I kept my "zip it" sign up for the rest of the term, long after everyone knew my name.  Incidentally, at the end of the course my instructor told me I was the bluest blue she had every met in all the years of teaching.  If you are interested in personality colours you can look them over here.  Which one are you? 
Well, I am going to watch a re-run of Modern Family then go to bed.  

But What if I Really am Going Crazy?

Still sick here.  Went to the doctor this afternoon and he gave me an Rx for antibiotics.  I had a low-grade fever so I thought I should go.  Bah.  I have lost 6 pounds in 2 days.

So, many of you have told me stories of thinking you were going crazy when you were in perimenopause.  I am being serious because I am scared that I really am going crazy.  Every day I get up and I wish I could just cover my head for this stage of my life, maybe forever.  My family is driving me nuts.  My fiancé is mad at me all the time.  My daughter only speaks to me when she wants something.  My son sleeps all day.  And I feel like I have to manage all of it.  Yesterday and today I was so sick and still I had to get up and clean the house and make sure everything gets done.  There are mouldy dishes in the sink and I am crying over them.  Laundry is stacked to the ceiling and it makes me want to jump off a cliff. And there is so much more going on that I can't even talk about here.  Life has stopped having any meaning.  Today, someone I know asked me how my mom was doing and I just looked at her.  My mom died almost a year ago!  But I have to be polite because people miss this sort of stuff and I know she wasn't meaning to be hurtful but it did hurt. 
And I don't give a shit about dust under the bed and fleas and who is going to be the next president or the weather or my kid's schooling or fucking anything.  Every day is fucking awful and I don't have it in me to care.  And I don't want to go back to my doctor and go on more anti-depressants or hormones or told that I am normal because normal people don't cry because of the heat or because their cat has fleas. Normal people don't walk through the grocery store with their head down to hide the tears. Normal people have real life friends and don't just have blog friends.  Normal women can get up in the morning and spend time with their kids. I don't even want to see my dad any more because his broken heart is just one more thing I have no fucking control over.  I resent and at times hate my brother and sister for how quickly they have moved on.  And I hate the elephant in the room that we won't talk about when we are together.  What has become of my family? We used to be so close until cancer raped our family and left us decimated. Today I went to the recycling depot and I wanted to smash all my glass as hard as I could.  But no.  I gently put it where it is supposed to go because that is what normal people do. While doing that I knocked over a container of lids and I had to bend down and pick them up out of the mud.  Tears flooding my eyes. 
So, this isn't normal is it?  I am going crazy.  Or i have already gone crazy?  No matter because I just don't give a shit.  I don't care at all.  Except I do and that is what makes it so fucking hard.  

Later that night - After I wrote this I cried for about 2 hours.  It really was a crappy day.  Being sick and having someone ask how my mom is and life in general got to be too much today. I look back on the last 3 posts and see that my downfall was coming.  Anyway, something is not right on the hormonal front.  I am actually am seeing my gynecologist next week so I will mention my craziness to her. (You can all vouch for me, right? *insert laughter here*)  In Canada, gynecolgists are specialists and since I am going back to see her regarding this, I think it will be a good time to mention it. I am off to my blessed outside bed.  My daughter is sleeping with me tonight and I am glad for the company. 

The worst part of being sick is how my tolerance for everything goes down.  It is one of those days where I hate everything.  My laptop is too hot and making me cranky.  I can hear two clocks ticking and they are annoying.  A fridge hums and that is pissing me off.  It would be so nice to just be sleeping outside right now in my outside bed!  

To add to my crankiness I am becoming a cranky blogger.  (The word blogger is underlined as a spelling error and that annoys me as well.)  There is a blog I read and the person has never once reciprocated a comment.  Maybe I swear too much. Whatever the reason, she has never even said hello.  I would delete her off my list if I knew how. 

Here is my next gripe. I love watching the Olympics, I do. As a parent of a child that competes I know well the thousands of hours and dedication is takes to make it.  But these people are not fucking heroes and I wish we would stop treating them as such.  It is the whole "Swifter, higher, stronger".  It goes against my beliefs of slowing down, being quiet and admitting that I am weak and need help. Bah, I don't know.  Real heroes are people like my (step) dad that married my mom even though she was poor.  He raised me and my brother as his own children.  Real heroes are parents of children who are unwell and care for them year after year and have to deal with unimaginable circumstances.  Heroes are people who live quiet lives and continue on without fanfare or adoration. 

I am going to hit publish now as I am just making myself more cranky. 

I do have a question to women who are in peri-menopause or have reached menopause.  My wonderful doctor thinks I am in peri-menopause but I am in denial.  My question is this.  Did you just have hot flashes or were you hot all the time and had hot flashes that made you even hotter? 

The Problem With Having Children

The problem with having children is they make you sick.  My son is recovering but now I am sick. My throat hurts and I am short of breath.  All I want to do is sleep and eat chicken noodle soup. There is a good chance my head is in a vice but I can't be sure.  

For a laugh go here.   Does anyone else remember Martin Short and his bit on synchronized swimming?  He was a wearing a life jacket.  "I am not that strong of a swimmer."  Ha! If you have no idea what I am talking about you can watch the classic clip here. 

And speaking of things that make me laugh here are some of my favourite Sesame Street clips.  Back in the good old days.

This one makes me realize why so many in my generation suffer from depression.  It is just sad. 

Does anyone remember The Ladybug Picnic?  This was my favourite when I was little. 

I sang to this to my kids when they were little.  I still do sometimes. And I do the actions! 

I sing this one to my kids too. 

And as a commenter said, I remember the list 35 years later.

And who created this?  No doubt drugs were involved. 
However, I get lost all the time and use his piece of advice to find my way home. 

Don't blame me if you have this little ditty in your head all day.  It is adorable. But correct me if I am wrong but I think that is The Ungrateful Bastard. 

Ok, that is all.  

Being a Grown-up

Today I had to go to my dad's lawyer and sign a bunch of stuff that makes me executor of his will, his power of attorney and the person who will make all the decisions about his health if he can no longer do so.  Nobody ever told me that being a grown-up would be such a drag.  I don't want all this responsibility and yet, that is the way it works isn't it?  

I really need something happy to post.  Hmm...let me see...
Today I saw my nieces!  Both as cute as all git out.  My youngest niece turned one in June and for some reason she really likes me.  (Probably because I give her back tickles.)  Last month she started walking and she was following me all over today and if I didn't pick her up she made that baby, eh eh eh noise.  How could I resist?
  
It is 11:32 and I could eat the kitchen counter right now if I added some seasoning.  Seriously, I am ravenous!  Not really sure why as I made home-made spaghetti sauce with home-made (not made by me) pasta tonight.  It was delicious and I felt satisfied after I ate it.  After dinner we went for a walk but it wasn't long enough to make me hungry.  

My boy is feeling a little better.  Last night he just kept coughing and I was thinking at one point that I was going to take him to the hospital.  Then I remembered when my kids were babies and had croup and always made what I thought was a miraculous recovery by the time I go them to the hospital.  It was later I found out that the cool night air was the reason and not a miracle at all. So I sent my son outside and his coughing settled enough so that he could sleep.  Tonight my kids are at their dad's and I am wondering if he remembered to take his antibiotics and if he ended up doing his own eye drops.  I really shouldn't worry as he was born responsible and grown up.   

Well, I am going to see what kind of healthy choice I can find in my fridge.  Cherries?  Blueberries?  Mozzarella cheese? Did you know that Mozzarella cheese made with skim milk has less fat and calories that other cheeses?  Well now you do so go have some. 

A Post Before Bed

Why am I so tired today?  Tired and weepy is not a good combination.

There is an asshole mosquito buzzing me right now.  Not for long, I will kill him. 

My son is sick.  He has an infection in his chest and both eyes and is on antibiotics.  He is 16 and asked me yesterday how people put in eye drops when they don't have a mom.  The funny thing is, I put in a lot of eye drops in at work but when I put my son's drops in my hands shake.  Weird.

Today I dug up 3, 384, 926 dandelions.  Give or take. Then my fiancé and I went out for a late lunch to a place that makes the most delicious sandwiches but they were sold out. *sigh*  We ended up going somewhere else and I got a wrap.  

I need to make things clear about my fiancé and me.  He really is an amazing man.  For obvious reasons the last year has been very, very difficult and I am not an easy person to live with at times.  We are very different emotionally.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat.  He is very guarded with his emotions and the only time I have ever seen him cry was when my mom was dying and my dad was holding her.  Mr. Birdie is my rock and because this is our first year of living together we have a lot of things we need to work out.  He is very organized and tidy and I am not.  He likes to think things through and I just go with how I am feeling in the moment.  I say I love you to everyone I love all the time and he doesn't say at as often because he thinks it becomes rote. One of our biggest problems us he is an early bird and I am a night owl.  Anyway, I love him so much.  There is no way I would have got through my mom dying without him.  He is the only person, besides my mom and dad that understands me.  Actually, he understands me better.  At times I think I exasperated my mom because of how sensitive I am.  She was an extrovert and had hundreds of friends and am an introvert that is very happy with my own company.  My mom used to get upset that I didn't have a lot of girlfriends and worried that I did not enjoy going out like she did.  Mr. Birdie is also an introvert but not as much as I am. He knows I need my quiet time and need to nap.  He is a good man.  Maybe he could be more sensitive to my moods but maybe I need to be less sensitive and quit reading into everything he says and does.
  
That damn mosquito is still trying to sting me.
  
Tonight the Ungrateful Bastard actually came and sat on my lap for a few minutes.  He took off when he the cat crunchies came out but I still have to give him credit where credit is due. He is still 99.9% evil.  But that is why I love him. 

I did not weigh in yesterday at TOPS so I am going to go weigh myself right now.  Be right back.... Crap.  I am up.  Oh, well.  I am still so proud of myself because I have been eating well.  My Waterloo is Doritos and I have not had them in over a month.  And fries.  Oh, lovely French fries!  And I have to admit that I love McDonald's chicken McNuggets but don't tell anyone. 

Anyway, my son is coughing up a lung, the poor lamb so I am going to see if I can do something to make him feel better.  Even though he towers over me he is still my baby and he needs his mom.

I still have not killed the mosquito. 

My Outside Bed!

Well, today is better.  I did cancel the barbeque.  I was crying so hard I could barely breathe so I figured it would be best to just reschedule. After I got up I had something to eat then puttered around a bit then went back to bed and slept like the dead in my outside bed. 

Work was very stressful yesterday. One thing I learned in college is nurses are the only ones who eat there own young and oh boy, it this true.  Some of the women I work with make me wonder why they became nurses in the first place.  Mean and uncaring.  They outright admit that they are in it for the money.  It is too bad because others are there because they love what they do.  I bet everyone has at least one story about a nurse that was uncaring.  The saddest part is nurses who are mean to people who are in a vulnerable place.  

We got a new deep freeze today!  Yay!  I have wanted a deep freeze for so long. When I was pregnant with my son (he is 16) I was given a second-hand deep freeze. Being a nesting mama I quickly made dozens of meals and filled it up in anticipation for the time after my son was born.  The day I came home from the hospital I went to retrieve two meals and found everything rotting.  They second-hand freezer was broken.  To make matters worse, when I got rid of it, it leaked rusty water all over my carpet.  Well now I now have a brand new shiny freezer that has been given high consumer ratings.  (Don't you love that you can check things out before you buy them?)  Today I filled it with some stuff that I found on sale!  I have even named it. "The Yeti."

My dad came by today and I felt so sad for him when he talked about my mom.  He misses her so much. To told me that he can't seem to get the moment she died out of his head.  This whole thing makes me wonder why two people so in love have to be separated.  My dad is so young still, only 63 and he is a widower.  He adored my mom.  When she was diagnosed until the moment she died he was by her side loving her.  I remember him cutting up her food when she was too weak to do it herself.  He fed her when she could not bring a fork to her mouth.  He cleaned her up when she had diahrrea and could not make it to the bathroom.  We see what Hollywood's version of love is and we wait for that to come along when it is nothing more than fiction.  Real love does not have background music.  Real love is holding a bucket for someone who has vomited 45 days in a row.

There is no weigh in tonight as it is a long weekend here in B.C., Canada.  I am eating a big ass ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery right now.  meh.  It is so good though!  

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick

H.A.L.T.S - I learned in Al Anon that if I am feeling those things I need to HALT.  I need to look into myself and try to right whatever is wrong.  I don't recall ever being all 5.  I just got off work and because I failed to plan I did not bring proper food to work last night so I am HUNGRY.  My fiance and I are arguing yet again.  Last night I called him from work to tell him that I loved his and he said, "Okay". I have apologized and tried to right the wrong but he is still not speaking to me. I am ANGRY with my co-workers who have been working together for a long time and have formed a clique. I am TIRED because I did not get enough sleep yesterday and won't be able to go to bed until 9:00 tonight as (stupid me) planned a barbecue for my family.  Because of all the stress I am SICK and have diarrhea.   And more than anything I am LONELY.  I am so lonely for my mom.  When everything used to go to hell I would call my mom.  Some days I think I will die from the loneliness.  As i type this my shirt is covered in tears that bring no comfort.  When she died my sky disappeared.  If you woke up tomorrow and the sky was gone is the only way to describe how unreal and surreal it feels.   How can the sky just disappear?  How can it be gone?  It is implausible.  

Anyway, I am crying so hard and have nothing else to say.  Maybe I should just cancel the stupid BBQ.

See my little girl on my ticker above this post?  She is now working to lose 21 more pounds.  I spoke to my doctor and he thought my goal of losing 50 pounds was way too much for a woman my age.  My doctor is so awesome.  I especially like him because he is also trained as a Naturopath and Reiki healer and does not believe in pushing medication.  He also believes in the body's ability to heal itself through diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle changes. After I spoke with him we decided that getting to the weight I was when I was 20 was not a good idea.  He feels that women that are very thin can start to look old and haggard and wrinkles show up more.  Also, having a little extra weight will help prevent Osteoporosis. So, this makes me feel a little less overwhelmed.  I was wondering how I was ever going to lose 50 pounds!

Well here i am at the blood donar clinic. I wont be using punctuation or spell check. The guy beside me keeps shaking his leg. STOP!!!!!!!! OK, He is gone now. Those of you that know me know about my fear and hatred for giving blood and yet here i am. My turn is next so ihavr to go. Mommy !!!!!

That One Pound Sounds Nice Now!

1/4 of a pound.  4 ounces. .113 of a kilogram.  That is all I am down this week.  Bah.  I will say I am feeling great.  Even though I am not even down five pounds yet my clothes are just a teeny bit looser.  Today I rode my bike to the office and home then to my TOPS meeting then home.  Both times I loathed peddling uphill and loved coasting downhill.  Everyday this week I tracked my food.  Everyday I ate lots of fruits and vegetables and whole grains so I am proud of myself.  When I spoke to a dietician this week I felt a lot better about the direction I am going.  Even if I do not lose 50 pounds in one year I am heading in the right direction by choosing healthier foods.  Let's face it, there are a lot of people out there that weigh a healthy weight but are not at all healthy.  The goal for me is to stop eating mindlessly and to control emotional eating.  I need to try to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet during the fall and winter when they are harder to come by.  I need to do this.  I have been overweight for far too long!

Labyrinth

I got off work this morning at 8:00 and was very tired but decided to stay awake because I never have any weekend days to do anything.  Every weekend is spent either working or sleeping.  I love my job, I do but sometimes it is a drag to never have a weekend off.  All the cool activities take place on the weekend.  That said, I am so glad for my job.  This weekend my client was in a lot of pain and I was able to set the ball rolling for it to be dealt with.  My client's spouse is having a very difficult time keeping up with the demands of caring for a partner that is dying and I was able to bring love, compassion and understanding and a shoulder to cry on.  Before I leave a home I always ask if I can give a hug to anyone in the home who looks like they can use a hug. (And who doesn't?)  More often than not the person ends up crying on my shoulder. It is hard for family and friends to care for someone in the last stages of living.  Sometimes a hug is the outlet they need to finally let go of some of the overwhelming emotion. And, I give a damn good hug! So yes, I love my job but people do not die Monday to Friday, 9 - 5 with time off for coffee and lunch breaks.  When I am in a home caring for someone it is 12 hours of being awake and ready to serve. 


Anyway...
Because I elected not to sleep today, I went here.  A labyrinth!

It takes about 10 minutes to walk all the way through.  Walking through is a meditation. Though I am very tired from being awake for the last 24 hours I am glad that I had the opportunity to go.  It was so lovely. This is a place I will go to again and again. 


And ug... I weigh in tomorrow.  Even though I did very well this week I feel like I may have gained.  This week I made a Southwestern tomato chicken soup with brown rice, black beans and lots of veggies.  For the first time I made a Thai noodle salad made with whole wheat pasta.  Both were made with little or no sodium and both were delicious.  I ate loads of fruit and vegetables this week as well.  I am drinking 4 -6 cups of iced green tea (decaf) everyday.  

So why do I feel like a sow at a country fair? Oh, well.  I am much cuter and smarter than a sow.  And I didn't have to give birth to 20 babies at once. And I am funny and can guarantee you the sow in this picture has never had a funny thought in her life. Poor thing.   I mean my god.  Look at her!  That is a life of misery.  Bloated every single day.  You know how bad bacon is for you but what if you are bacon?  What hope is there? The little curly tail is somewhat enviable. 
The Ungrateful Bastard still has fleas.  He growls at me when I try to de-flea him.  Maybe I will get a recording of his growls because it is funny as hell.  It reminds me when a two year old gets angry.  It is so cute and funny and it just pisses him off more if I laugh.  
OK, time for dinner.  I need to heave myself off the couch and go eat something.  Or sleep.  And I better not record the Ungrateful Bastard growling at me or I might get reported for animal cruelty even though I am trying to help him.  He is evil and would report me to the authorities is he had thumbs.  But alas, he doesn't.  Thank god. 

An Award

Debra, fellow Canadian blogger at She Who Seeks awarded me with this award.  Thank you, Debra! Go over and say hello. I will wait...


Now I am supposed to say 7 things about myself.  I have been wanting to do a re-introduce myself post as I have several new followers so now is a good time as any.


1. I work in the community doing palliative care.  I work the night shift, 8 - 8.  


2. I have two teenage children.  My son is 16 and my daughter is 14.


3. We live in a house that my fiancé and I bought last year.  I love my home.  It is nothing fancy and that is one of the many reasons I love it.


4. In September I am going to start taking courses to get my palliative accreditation.  It will take minimum of two years.


5. I have an allergy to latex that requires an epi-pen.  I have to be very careful not to come in contact with it as it could kill me.


6.  I am a highly sensitive introvert.  I love nature and all things quiet and serene. Sometimes being inside overwhelms me so I sleep outside when the whether permits. 


7. I write something about my life everyday, even if it is only a few sentences. 


OK, I know some people don't like awards so if you want to do this, grab the button and go to it!  

My Cats Have Fleas!

I have man-hands in this picture.

Trying to not be evil.

Oh, my god.  It is an infestation.  Both of my cats are crawling in fleas.  You know when you turn them over and you can see dozens of the vile creatures? It is so gross! Norbert (the Ungrateful Bastard) has never had a single flea before.  I would like to say he caught them on purpose but he has been so miserable.  Both cats have been scratching and biting at themselves endlessly.  Norbert, the poor baby even has open wounds on his belly from biting himself. So, today they got a flea bath.  I washed them first with Dawn detergent then rinsed,  then washed them again with more Dawn soap and lavender essential oil.  Lot of essential oil.  The fleas were falling off.  After they were bathed there were still fleas so I had to resort to an insecticide. I feel sick about it.  That shit is so toxic but what choice do I  have?  *sigh* I do want to say that even though Norbert hates baths, he tries very hard to be a good cat.  He only tried a couple feeble attempts at escape.  The rest of the time he just sat in the sink and waited for the torture to end. Right now both cats are sleeping on the couch.  Both exhausted from their bath.
At TOPS I lost 1 pound.  One lousy pound. Even though 1 pound a week is my goal I am annoyed.  Fucking celery.  How can you resent a vegetable?  I am not sure but I resent celery tonight. 

Work is Interfering with Blogging

I really need more time in my day or win the lottery because I don't have enough time to blog.  It is summer and my kids are not in school. There are no activities to drive them to so I should have oodles of time. I was in a new client's home this week and did not have Internet access.  Last week I was on a hot spot so it is unlikely I will ever be able to blog from work again.  Oh, well.
I am weighing in tonight.  Of course I am hoping I am down.  Maybe I will be at my goal weight!  Maybe I will have lost 47 pounds this week.  Likely not.  Wouldn't it be nice for fat to come off as easily as it went on?  I will tell you about a book I found.  It is based on the Buddhist belief of Mindfulness and it is life changing.  I have already incorporated Mindfulness into other areas of my life and I can't believe I did not consider it when eating.  It is only natural that I need to be Mindful about food as well.   My problems are not about knowing about what is a healthy choice or how much to eat.  My problem is WHY and HOW I eat.  I will keep you posted.  So far, (and I hate this term) it is and Aha! moment.  Why didn't I realise this sooner?  
I dug out my bike this week but the tires are flat so I need to go get an air pump today.  My goal is to ride my bike to my TOPS meetings.  They meetings are not too far so I am pretty sure I won't keel over dead.  If I never post again will know that I either died of a heart attack or got run over.  

The Equator

How is it that some of you can live 3 blocks from the equator?  It was 28 C today.  That is about 82 F. Maybe I have just spent too many winters on the west coast of Canada.  When I was 20 I went to Los Angles and I thought I was going to die.  Not just "ha ha I think I am going to die" but "I have heat stroke and I am vomiting with the worst migraine of my life" going to die  I think it was 104 F in the shade.  Having no health insurance I decided to just wait to die and besides, I couldn't stand up and get into the car.  It was probably the sickest I had ever been.  It didn't help that my now ex-husband didn't want to run the air conditioner in the car because it consumed too much gas.  Being the good submissive Christian wife I did not argue.  (Yes, it may surprise you to know I was at one time a good submissive Christian wife.  I was 20 so let's just leave it at that.)  Anyway, I am off topic as usual.  I was so sick and I vowed I would never move to any place hot.  My heart called for home. 
Because it was so hot today I bought one of those cooling neck wraps.  I love it already!  Already my body temperature is going down.  It was cheap and I have already ordered more. So how is it that you all do it? How do you live in the heat? You must have a secret because you are clearly walking around and fine.
We went to the nursery today and picked up some goodies so now that is it 7:55 and cooling down I am going to go into my yard and plant some lavender and blueberries.

Yippee!

See my little girl up on my ticker?  She is moving because I weighed in tonight and lost 3 pounds!  And if anyone says it is "water weight" you are going to get a smack because I planned my meals ahead this week and made several different healthier choices.  Three pounds that I worked for!  I will say I made way too much minestrone soup.  I still have half a pot left.  I am going to freeze the rest tomorrow.
Another thing I did this week is track every single thing I ate.  I am going to go about this weight loss by tracking calories but also being aware of my fat intake, carbs and protein.  I am using Spark People to track my intake and exercise as well as this. I do not like the word diet but for all intents and purposes that is what it is.  I am trying to change my diet to a healthier one.  Last week while I was tracking my food I realized how often I eat emotionally. Apparently I sit on the couch for a lot of my meals. When I am at work I look forward to eating as a way of breaking up the night.  I also eat to help myself cope with grief.  Even though I am not writing about it much I am still having a lot of issues around the death of my mom.  It is so much more than just her being dead and gone from this world.  Her dying turned my entire belief system on its ear.  The God who I thought I knew is no longer.  It is taking a long time to right things and since I don't have a strong Cornerstone I am turning to food. My biggest hurdle with this journey will be so much more than getting fit or thin.  It will be about diving deep to control my addiction to food. Food is what I use to make me feel better and that needs to change. The more mindful I become of why, when, how and what I eat the closer I will get to my goal.  
Well, my intention was not to write all this but there it is anyway.  

I am Going to Hell For This

Don't tell anyone but I am at work right now.  It is coming up four in the morning and the person I am caring for is sleeping peacefully.  I am so freaking hot that I have taken my shoes and socks off.  I have never blogged at work before and I know I am going to go to hell because of this post.
My attempt at losing weight is going terribly.  I am so hungry that I want to rip someone's head off.  I thought I had planned properly but I am obviously not eating enough. On my days off I made a huge pot of vegetarian minestrone soup that was very good but I need more than soup! I also made hummus and cut up a few hundred pounds if veggies but I am still hungry.  It is making me cranky.  Because I work odd hours it is hard to plan meals.  For instance, I have no access to a way to heat up a meal right now. Let me get honest here. I also happen to love Doritos.  And chocolate. Bah.  I don't know.  I feel like Evelyn Couch in Fried Green Tomatoes when she says I wish I had the courage to get it over with and get really fat.  
Well, I am feeling guilty so I need to go.  I am off at 8:00 this morning and I will not stop on the way home for donuts. 

Starting Now!

I am so far behind in reading your blog posts.  When I went on my mini-holiday I brought my laptop along but when I had trouble connecting wirelessly I decided to not fix it and just enjoy my Internet-free holiday. There is no way I can read back for more than a week so I am just going to have to start now.
My big news is I joined TOPS last night.  TOPS is a weight loss group similar to Weight Watchers in that they have support but I do not have to put out the almost $60.00 a month.  Each week I will weigh in and then there is a 30 minute talk on living a healthy lifestyle.  My goal is to lose 50 pounds by this time next year.
I have been busy, busy, busy today and now I am off again to take my daughter to an eye appointment. 

A Mini Vacation

It started out raining. 

And it rained. 

And it rained. 

And it rained some more.

But we do live in a rainforest so I can't complain. 

The sun finally came out on our last day!

And so did a snake. 

But it started acting all weird so put it down.

A hive of demons.  ( I hate wasps!)

One of the things on my Bucket List is to go up in a lighthouse.   This one is closed so maybe another day. 

Me.

There were some strange houses.

It must be fun to live in such a unique home. 

On our last evening we went for dinner.  This is the view from the patio. 

A game of chess. 

A program on the Island to cut down the use of vehicles. 

Sunset.