Anyway, I am crying so hard and have nothing else to say. Maybe I should just cancel the stupid BBQ.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick
H.A.L.T.S - I learned in Al Anon that if I am feeling those things I need to HALT. I need to look into myself and try to right whatever is wrong. I don't recall ever being all 5. I just got off work and because I failed to plan I did not bring proper food to work last night so I am HUNGRY. My fiance and I are arguing yet again. Last night I called him from work to tell him that I loved his and he said, "Okay". I have apologized and tried to right the wrong but he is still not speaking to me. I am ANGRY with my co-workers who have been working together for a long time and have formed a clique. I am TIRED because I did not get enough sleep yesterday and won't be able to go to bed until 9:00 tonight as (stupid me) planned a barbecue for my family. Because of all the stress I am SICK and have diarrhea. And more than anything I am LONELY. I am so lonely for my mom. When everything used to go to hell I would call my mom. Some days I think I will die from the loneliness. As i type this my shirt is covered in tears that bring no comfort. When she died my sky disappeared. If you woke up tomorrow and the sky was gone is the only way to describe how unreal and surreal it feels. How can the sky just disappear? How can it be gone? It is implausible.
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And then what are you supposed to do when you HALT?Eat, get unangry, find a friend, take a nap, go see a doctor?
ReplyDeleteToo much, too much.
Eat and sleep. That's the best I can manage mostly.
It all sounds too much Birdie. Maybe cancelling the BBQ is best but you might enjoy the company of your loved ones. So sad for you Birdie that you are crying and I cannot hug you from where I am. xx
ReplyDeleteOh dear, depression still has you in its clutches. I can't say anything but 'ride it'. It can't last forever, nothing ever does.
ReplyDeleteThere's something that disturbs me: saying 'I love you' and getting 'okay' for a reply is not okay. There's something badly wrong here. You two need to talk. Not cry, not beg, not row, just talk.
My heart is breaking for you as I read this .I wish away your pain and I am sending you hugs (( `)) There is nothing I can say to help you find peace in the absence of your mom but I do send you LOVE & friendship. I do know that lonely feeling even in a house full of people, I will tell you this.....I CARE & I AM HERE as your friend :))
ReplyDeletePeople who love you should understand if you say that you are canceling a barbecue for reasons of self-preservation.
ReplyDeleteGuard your resources.
No magic solutions regarding mis-communications with a loved one, other than asking, in a non-confrontational way, what they thought you would feel upon receiving such a response.
Sending you NZ love and light
ReplyDeleteand GRRRRR to clique's - one thing that really makes me GGGRRRR
I find myself HALTing on a daily basis. Sometimes the fix is easy. Sometimes not so much.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
I am so so sorry. Which doesn't change anything which makes me even sorrier.
ReplyDeleteSending so many good wishes your way.
I hope you are feeling better soon...rest...the BBQ may help you to feel less lonely?? I dont know
ReplyDeleteWhy is your fiance angry? Because you told him that you love him? What wrong is there to right?
ReplyDeleteI'm late to the party, so you've probably solved your issues already. I hope things worked out for you.
ReplyDeleteWhen we lose our parents, we have to then parent ourselves. Nurture your self and take care of your self. Get some rest, and be tender with your heart. Your mom would want that.
I read this post yesterday..
ReplyDeletebut I had no words...
I can only say...again...it will get better...
trust me...
have I ever lied to you before???
come and see Vivian...that will raise your spirits... :o)
Did you cancel the BBQ???
Thinking of you...
Cheers!
Linda :o)
I have not heard of this HALTS before....sounds like a good way to look into yourself to discover what is wrong.... but then what do you do... with the Hungry, it is easy... you eat... with the tired you sleep... with the sick you take medication/doctor and sleep... but how do you stop being lonely? or angry? very hard to do that... especially the loneliness... I hope the blog provides you with a little comfort in that department... you are truly cherished and loved Barbara... thinking of you and holding you in my arms.
ReplyDelete