Still sick here. Went to the doctor this afternoon and he gave me an Rx for antibiotics. I had a low-grade fever so I thought I should go. Bah. I have lost 6 pounds in 2 days.
So, many of you have told me stories of thinking you were going crazy when you were in perimenopause. I am being serious because I am scared that I really am going crazy. Every day I get up and I wish I could just cover my head for this stage of my life, maybe forever. My family is driving me nuts. My fiancé is mad at me all the time. My daughter only speaks to me when she wants something. My son sleeps all day. And I feel like I have to manage all of it. Yesterday and today I was so sick and still I had to get up and clean the house and make sure everything gets done. There are mouldy dishes in the sink and I am crying over them. Laundry is stacked to the ceiling and it makes me want to jump off a cliff. And there is so much more going on that I can't even talk about here. Life has stopped having any meaning. Today, someone I know asked me how my mom was doing and I just looked at her. My mom died almost a year ago! But I have to be polite because people miss this sort of stuff and I know she wasn't meaning to be hurtful but it did hurt.
And I don't give a shit about dust under the bed and fleas and who is going to be the next president or the weather or my kid's schooling or fucking anything. Every day is fucking awful and I don't have it in me to care. And I don't want to go back to my doctor and go on more anti-depressants or hormones or told that I am normal because normal people don't cry because of the heat or because their cat has fleas. Normal people don't walk through the grocery store with their head down to hide the tears. Normal people have real life friends and don't just have blog friends. Normal women can get up in the morning and spend time with their kids. I don't even want to see my dad any more because his broken heart is just one more thing I have no fucking control over. I resent and at times hate my brother and sister for how quickly they have moved on. And I hate the elephant in the room that we won't talk about when we are together. What has become of my family? We used to be so close until cancer raped our family and left us decimated. Today I went to the recycling depot and I wanted to smash all my glass as hard as I could. But no. I gently put it where it is supposed to go because that is what normal people do. While doing that I knocked over a container of lids and I had to bend down and pick them up out of the mud. Tears flooding my eyes.
So, this isn't normal is it? I am going crazy. Or i have already gone crazy? No matter because I just don't give a shit. I don't care at all. Except I do and that is what makes it so fucking hard.
Later that night - After I wrote this I cried for about 2 hours. It really was a crappy day. Being sick and having someone ask how my mom is and life in general got to be too much today. I look back on the last 3 posts and see that my downfall was coming. Anyway, something is not right on the hormonal front. I am actually am seeing my gynecologist next week so I will mention my craziness to her. (You can all vouch for me, right? *insert laughter here*) In Canada, gynecolgists are specialists and since I am going back to see her regarding this, I think it will be a good time to mention it. I am off to my blessed outside bed. My daughter is sleeping with me tonight and I am glad for the company.
Oh dear, I guess that means that even though I'm not on my menopausal or pre-menopausal stage I am totally abnormal. For one, I have more bloggy friends than real friends. Hell, it's even like I have detached myself from the real world. I don't know how to console you because whenever I feel like that, nothing makes me feel better. So I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone in this. And no, it's not normal. It's annoying and it feels that you have to work twice as hard to survive the day than any regular person.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, I get irritated for no whatsoever reason and cry because I'm just sick and tired of everything.
Long story short, hang on there. Hugs.
Huggies and Cheese,
Haopee
OK, I'm going to tell you my story and I haven't shared this before but I think you are not crazy but your a zero. Let me explain...
ReplyDeleteI went threw bad depression with thoughts I should never have thought. I wanted to end everything that was dear to me. I cryed all the time. I would wake up in soaking wet bed sheets and clothes, get up take another bath in the middle of the night jut to do it again when I lay back down. I had night sweats all night long and hot flashes all day that were every five minutes. I was not a good person to be around. I was bitchy to everyone and about everything. I was on hormone pills and had had a hystertomy in the 80's...why was this happeneing and how do I get out of it and be normal? I made an appointment to see my doctor. when he came in the room and asked me how I was and all, I shut the door, told him not to say a word, listen to me. I told him everything for almost an hour. I cussed, I cried...he listened, then pushed his rolling chair back and started crying. I couldn't believe it! I thought I had hurt his feelings. He delivered my children, new me inside and out, seen it all. He gathered himself and then looked at me and said he had just commented his wife for help and also surgery for a shunt for meds. She had gotten to a hormone of a level 0 and he was a GYN, her husband, and didnt see it.He was too busy! He said I will be right back, came back, ran some blood and made me wait. When he returned he said it was my turn to listen. I was a level 0. A level 0 will make a women change to the level of all I had told him, hallucination to follow, then heart attack or stroke. his wife was in the last stage before a stroke. He discontinued my hormone pills and put me on the patch .075.
in one week, I stopped having hot flashes and felt some better. In one month, I was back to normal as if nothing had ever been wrong with me. He basically saved my life. That was seven years ago and twice a week I change that patch and will the rest of my life.
I had breast surgery for abnormal cells last year and my Oncologist wanted me to stop the patch. I refused and he understood after reading the reports from my GYN.
See your doctor now! have a hormone level done and get the help you should have, not antibiotics or antidepressants! you are NOT CRAZY! You are a women, a mother!
I think you should go discuss this with your doctor too. Get him or her to refer you to a specialist, someone who knows about these types of feelings and reactions. I'm worried for you. You deserve to feel better than you do.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the comment that "The Path Traveled " said..May not be for life..as we are all different..but it will help..
ReplyDeleteNo, you are not crazy!!!!
~~HUGS~~
Hurting for you. Hurting with you.
ReplyDeleteWho are these normal people anyway? They have a lot to answer for when a person going through a bad patch can look over at these imaginary people and feel worse.
On my fridge is a magnet which says 'the only normal people are those you don't know very well'.
I certainly have more blog friends than any other kind. I am also certainly the pyscho bitch from hell too often.
I am agreeing with other people that perhaps another trip to the doctor is in order, but regardless of what he says if you are not sane, you know a lot of people in the same boat.
My heart breaks for you I knew I wasn't going into menopause but I did want my life to end and I hated everyone around me that was last January 2011. I am better but I still get fed up with working so hard to be "normal" I do think having hormone levels would be a great idea and please do not ever think that because your friends are only or more in the blog then life that it makes you in anyway not normal, friends are friends....people that care, love, listen, laugh & cry with you...we can live close by or states away but our caring never fades away!! Praying for you & YOU ARE NOT crazy you are a normal women just going through a rough time in life :))
ReplyDeleteYou are not crazy, and what the other commenters have said is so hopeful. Keep us posted out here in bloggland -- despite not knowing you in real life, I think I can speak for many that care intensely for you, sweet Birdy.
ReplyDeleteAll of the above comments plus one thing: If your fiance and your son and daughter are watching you go through all of this without doing a bit of their own laundry or some washing up they don't deserve you. Stop doing everything. Do the bits that affect you (mouldy dishes for exaple - your own clothes) Yes, it will be tough at first. You're used to doing everything and being the 'reliable' one. But you need to look after YOU!
ReplyDeleteIf they don't like it they might realise just what you're worth.
Oh yeah - and normal people often DO have more blog friends than physical ones. That's normal these days. Take care and get to your doctor!
You mention "normal" a few times. believe me, there is no such thing. I know its ridiculous for a 46 year old man such as myself to offer any advice, so i wont.
ReplyDeleteHormones are a hell of a thing, aren't they? In fact...what exactly are they? I have no idea, but yet they control so many aspects of my life it's not even funny. That being said, I'm reading your blog after your update and I know that when I'm sick, and not feeling well physically, everything else...and I do mean everything, from a dirty dish to a hyperactive kitten, will feel like the end of the world and send me into a downward spiral like you would not believe. And you know what else I want when I'm sick even though I'm 40 years old and nearing middle age myself? My mom. Because who else takes care of you better than your mom when you're sick? Between you being run down physically, the absent minded comment from a well-meaning acquaintance, and yeah, the emotional ping pong these stupid whoremones are playing with your body, of course you feel crazy. The proof that you're not is that I don't think crazy people know they're crazy. Lucky bastards. Hang in there until you get through this virus and I think you'll see that the sun is shining just a little bit brighter. And give your son a good smack on the head for getting you sick in the first place! Unexpected physical violence is always good for a laugh ;-)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're going crazy, but I would hope not.
ReplyDeleteEvery now and then negative thoughts try to rob us of the life we want to live.
But you're going through so much and the thoughts will pop up.
When you're crazy, you do not know that you are.
I have felt everything you are feeling. I have cried in all of those circumstances. I have been to that land called crazy and even now, I can see it from my back porch and dammit, sometimes I still go there.
ReplyDeleteYep. Get your hormones tested. And then get whatever help you can. And is it possible that working nights is disturbing your rhythms? I know you're a night owl, but when you're not at work, you go back to a completely different routine and it can't be helping.
Birdy- you've been through too much and you are sensitive and you can't help that.
Be gentle with yourself. Get all the help you can get.
Does this mean I can blame half my problems on hormones?
ReplyDeletehuh.
I have had issues since I was 26 - not one doctor ever took my hormone levels - even though my periods quit for 10 years
I will again recommend the book The Wisdom of Menopause by Christine Northrup...it saved my life. After three years I finally broke down and started on hormones...I took my first estrogen pill in the parking lot of the doctor's office...by the time I got home I was a different person. I never had the test but I must have been 0 in the hormone department. I would definitely suggest the hormones first before the anti-depressants...at least with the hormones you can still feel your emotions which is a good thing though it might not seem like it right now. There is so much more about menopause than just hormones though...it has so much to do with feelings that have been buried deep inside of for so long...learn all you can. Knowledge is good..
ReplyDeleteI am glad your daughter kept you company. That can be so nice and so simple. I love when that happens. I hope you'll be OK.
ReplyDeleteTake it easy...
ReplyDeleteWe are all pulling for you...
You have LOTS of friends out here..
Come on over for a cup of tea and a chat...perhaps a piece of my banana loaf... :o)
Cheers!
Lina :o)
You are not crazy. But you do need to speak to your doctor about what you're going through, so he may help you. You should not have to suffer like this. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, and I sincerely hope things get better. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteoh Sunshine... you are definitely not crazy as all your friends have said above... it sounds like a hormonal imbalance... when you check it out and have a word with your doctor... please let us know the results and how you feel about it. Much love to you... and a big hug...
ReplyDeleteYour friends have shared some seriously good comments, and I hope you'll consider them. You're not crazy... not yet... but if you keep on going like you are, you will be. I went through much of the insanity you're experiencing, but it's gone now, and the only thing that changed is that I aged 20 years. I know now, that was too long to do nothing but wait and hope it would get better before I killed myself. I wouldn't recommend waiting to anyone, and I honestly don't know how I survived. (Well, I do know how... that's why I'm in AA now.) Please, please, please get yourself to a doctor who understands. If you can't find one on the first try... try again... and again, until you strike gold. A doctor who doesn't help you is useless.
ReplyDeleteMorningAJ is absolutely on top of it. If your fiance and family aren't paying attention to your emotional roller coaster, they're living on another planet. They have absolutely no justification for not helping you to within an inch of their lives. Let them take care of themselves for a change, and you take care of YOU. It won't hurt them, and it WILL help you. Maybe they'll even grow up in the process.
Love you.
xoxoxxx
FRom reading your blog above, the helplessness that you are feeling came right through all the words.. NO you are not going mad, it does have a lot to do with hormones, but mainly I think its to do with being OVERWORKED!! picking up after your loved ones is the PITS! in a house where everyone now works, there should be organised areas that are that person's responsibility.... also if your son is now a teenager or over, he does not get to lie in bed and let you do all the chores... your fiance too might have to be told to rethink!!! That feeling of utter helplessness comes from no one caring about you, all the working of caring for the house comes from you, and frankly, since they live there too, you are not their SERVANT/SLAVE which is what it amounts to.... so get a routine for the housework written up... get yourself to the docs for help with the hormone levels, and stop doing so much for everyone else and pay attention to your needs... your needs are just as important to be looked at... we sometimes allow it all to pile on to us, and we get suffocated in the trying to be perfect and doing it all.... it is not possible to do everything, get the others to share, and I am sure your feelings will lighten and your depression will lesson a bit... Its a terribly lonely place where you are, not helped by the situation with your stepdad and his ilk taking over your family home.... and you still are grieving for your mum... AND its not a bad thing to have more friends on blog than in real life, I think its true for all of us here in blogland!!! My heart is with you and I know the others having written to you, feel the same... good luck and godbless too... J
ReplyDelete