Falling Asleep in Yoga

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sooglepot/2601372415/

This week I have been training at my new job.  I am really tired, so tired that I feel asleep in yoga during Shivasana.  I have not been reading blogs but I hope to get caught up this weekend.  Not much crying this week but I did cry today when I used my cell phone to call my dad and I scrolled to, "Mom and Dad" on my phone book.  I cried because my mom will never be answering the phone again.  Never.  I still can't realize "forever".  Forever makes me so sad and feel so desperate.  
I don't have much to say.  I need a hot bath and a hot chocolate and bed.  I have been so cold. I can't get warm.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I am lonely for her. 

Dear god, I have been sucked down a black hole.  In my last post I was looking for a young man named Arnold that died in the W.W. 1 (It turns out he was my first cousin 4 times removed.)  I became very, very side tracked.  And this is what I found!  
Most of you know my real name.  I know I am named after my great-grandmother.  I never knew anything about her other than her first name.  (I met her when I was very young.)  Last night while searching for Arnold I found my great grandmother.  And much, much more.  I found all my grandmothers from that line all the way back to 1748.  And...all of them had my name as a first or second name. That is 263 years of my name.  I was floored when I found this out.  When my mom named me she did not know that the name went that far back.  She just liked my dad's grandmother and liked the name.  So, there you go. I also found out that my great grandmother was born in Austria and her mother and grandmothers were born in Germany.
I am glad to be getting my mind off my mom though I did cry yesterday about 5 times.  I am stressed about Christmas.  I know my mom would want me to have a happy Christmas but I don't know that that is completely possible.  Anyway, I am OK at this particular second.  

It seems my body and brain are giving me a break from my grief.  That raw grief that makes me want to never go out of the house again and thinks sleeping until January 2nd is a good idea has lifted for the moment.  I went to Reiki yesterday and had two Reiki healers doing their magic on me at the same time so I think that has something to go with it.  I did wake up with anxiety at 4:30 this morning.  The Ungrateful Bastard woke me up purr-purr-purring away all happy to see me and wake me up.  I decided to get up and have a bit of breakfast and blog.  I had some eggs and I can tell you right now that I can't wait to have my own chickens.  Store bought eggs are tasteless. 
See this young man to the left?  His name is AM. He is from my family.  I have discovered all sorts of things about him.  I know his full name and his date of birth and that  he died on June 17th, 1915 at the age of 22 in WW1. I even know where he is buried and have pictures of the cemetery in France.   All I had to start with is this picture.   The problem is I do not know who his parents were so it is almost impossible to place him in the family tree.  I know his next of kin is James and I guessed that was his father but James was a popular name back then. I can find a few men named James but none of them have a son named Arnold.  I feel sort of sad that I can't place him on the tree.  He was somebody's boy.  And he was so young.  He never had a life so speak of.  I wonder if he left behind a girl.  What did his mom do when she got the news?  And how much more sorrow that he was buried in France and they never were able to bring flowers to his grave. Just one day, dead at 22.  Genealogy is like going down a rabbit hole.  You don't know where it is going to lead.  You can spend hours upon hours searching and come up empty.  Anyway, I will keep looking. I am determined to not have this young man forgotten any more.  He deserves his place.  If I am every in France I will find his grave is at in Le Treport Military Cemetery, France and put flowers on it and tell him he is remembered. 
Well, I am going to go back to bed for a bit then get on with my day.  I have my grief support circle  this morning and I am buying a ladder at Home Depot. I do not like Home Depot. All the employees hide, I think.  Or there really are only 3 people that work there.  It should be loads of fun. 
Happy Thanksgiving to my friends to the south! 

My Dad

I found this post while reading my old blog.  It is about my dad.  

Daddy's Girl

I am a daddy's girl. But I wasn't always. I was born into a home by a man that didn't know how to be a father. He was an angry and abusive person.  He used to hang me over bridges and the ferry and pretend to let go. I was terrified of him.  I hid when he was in the house.  I have since made amends with my father and I love him.

But my dad? Who is he? My mom had been a single mom and met my dad when I was 7 and got married when I was 9.  I have adored this man from the beginning. He took on a role that didn't belong to him. He stepped in and became my daddy. He has taught me more about life than anyone. From changing the brakes in my car to making the perfect spaghetti sauce. He has been my shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. He is always there for me. Always. He has never judged me for my many, many messes I have got myself into. In fact, he helped me out of them. He has been there when I call him up at 7:00 a.m. because my car won't start and I need a ride to work. (And while I am at work he fixes my car.) He has been there late at night when I call him because I am crying and need someone to listen. He is my hero. 

He took on a job that was not his own. He has never once made a statement declaring me any less than a flesh and blood daughter. In fact, in his Will he calls me his flesh and blood.  He became a daddy to a little girl that so desperately needed one.

OK, Blogging Break is Over

I have had another crying most of the day kind of day.  I cried in the bank line.  I cried at the insurance office.  I cried in my car. I cried before I had a nap.  I cried after I had a nap.  I think I even may have cried during my nap.  In is so strange because the first few weeks I was O.K. and now I am just not OK.  Or maybe I am and I am just grieving in one of the most raw ways one can grieve.


One thing I never knew about grief is how much it can effect (or is it affect?) you physically.  I am so tired but when I sleep I shake and can't stop. (I have to take Ativan before sleep.)  My joints ache.  My eyes sting.  I can't relax and so my muscles ache.  I am cold all the time so I wear a toque around the house. My stomach is in a knot all the time. 


I do have some good news.  Remember last week I said I was hoping something really good was going to come from something I did the previous week but I didn't want to say what it is yet because I am superstitious and didn't want to jinx it?  Well, that good thing happened!  I applied to do home support in a union job and I got it!  My wage will be going up $4.00 and hour.  I will be able to quit my current job for an employer that has not given me a wage increase in 2 years.  (I sent my 2-week notice tonight.) It will take awhile to get a permanent position but this  is going to make a big difference in my life and the life of my family.  When I get a permanent position I will even get benefits.  Yay!  I am especially thankful right now because I will have seven days of paid training and now I will be able to afford Christmas presents for my kids.  I will be able to afford to buy food.  Yay!  
So, now I am off to bed.  Who was I kidding? I can't not blog.  I love you all so much.  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks for loving me. xo

Grief vs. Depression

Taking a Rest from Blogging 

It is one of those days when I don't think I have it in me to keep posting about my mom dying and my grief. I sit down with my laptop and my fingers become heavy.  I can't seem to form thoughts that make any sort of sense.  I spent more of today crying.  Now I am just numb and so very tired.  I managed to cook myself a piece of fish but other than that I have not had anything to eat.  All my clothes are getting loose. My kids are at Papa's today. They had a sleepover with my 6 year old niece.  I am glad they are having fun.
My question now is when do I start thinking this is depression instead of grief? What is the difference?  I am having days that are OK but I still don't really want to go out into the community.  It overwhelms me. 
I did manage to get dressed today.  Changed the bed.  Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the cat's litter box.  Did a few loads of laundry. I am really, really tired now. I just want a hot bah then to go to bed.  
Maybe instead of no longer blogging I should just take a break.  I really do live for your comments.  They keep me going. I go to Hospice for support but other than that I am feeling lonely.  I could die right now and it would be hours before anyone even noticed.  I walk around my own house and nobody talks to me.  Lonely and invisible.  
I don't know what else to say,  I know dear reader that many of you are no longer reading because my writing is so negative and sad.  I completely understand. It is hard enough in this world to get by with your own problems, never mind reading about someone else's. 
So yes, a break. Maybe I will be back tomorrow or next week.  I just know I need a break.  I will continue to check in on all of you.

It is Saturday.  I have done nothing today.  The Ungrateful Bastard is actually sitting beside me.  If I pet him it will send him into a rage and he will run away. I really do love this cat though. He is so cranky you can't help but love him.  He watches the birds and I watch him and he is just so cute.  And hateful. 
We are going to my biological father's and his wife for dinner tonight. (Is that sentence is a grammatical nightmare?)  I am supposed to vote today and this is the first time I don't feel like voting. I am a big advocate on voting but I just don't care right now.  I really don't.  But I will still vote because it is the right thing to do.  It is a municipal election. 
My bra is pinching me.  My eyes sting from crying.  
I am working on my own little cubby.  I have not had my own space for years and years.  It is an area about 6' x 7' but it will be mine.  I have my book case in there and one of those zero gravity chairs.  I have my pictures and I am going to hang shiny things from the ceiling. I will have my music as well. I can take my laptop down there too.  
Well, I have to get ready to go out.  Norbert is still beside me. I did pet him for a bit and he purred.  Silly cat. xo


Here is a nice video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjqCQ-E0S30

I have not been posting.  Too tired and nothing to say anyway.  So here is a point by point synopsis of my week.

• Today is my daughter's birthday.  She is 14. She is kind, generous, tall, beautiful, smart and caring.  I am so proud of her!
• My dad found out this week that his dog has cancer in his rectum.  There is no treatment or cure.  Eddie the dog is a 13 year old, wonderful and loving chocolate Lab. I understand that he is an old dog but now?  Why now?  Now my dad is facing that he will have to put Eddie down. Eddie was in the room in palliative care when my mom died. 
•  My breasts hurt.  Achy, PMS breasts with a hint of menopause thrown in for good measure.  My nana went into menopause at 32 so don't tell me I am too young. I am having a mammogram next week.  I have been having them for 9 years as breast cancer is in my family.
• I hate almost every book ever written on grief. A throw across the room hate.
• Right now I am telling my kids to go to bed but they are ignoring me but I am too tired to do anything about it.
• I am hoping that something really good is going to come from something I did last week. I can't say what it is yet because I admit I am superstitious and don't want to jinx it.
• I learned a cool new position at yoga yesterday but I have forgotten how to do it because I am so tired. 
• My daughter has finally gone to bed but my son is still ignoring me.  
• I am going to go have a hot bath and a cup of tea.  Good night, world. 

Today was a better day.  I just had a reminder of one of the many things that my mom did that made her so wonderful and now I am crying again.  But it is a good cry. Thank you to the person who reminded me of my mom saying, "Whooo!". I am glad for that memory. 


The last several days have been the hardest yet.  I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling.  My whole body physically aches from crying.  I didn't know grief could make your feet, legs and knees ache. I didn't know grief could make your arms, neck and back sore.  I didn't know grief could cause your throat to feel tight and your lungs to feel as if all the heaviness of the world is sitting on them.  


I saw my grief counsellor this afternoon.  She is a person of such loveliness.  I feel normal when we speak.  Lately I have felt like a freak when I speak to people. I feel vulnerable.  I feel as if I have no skin.  When I speak to my counsellor I can feel the skin on my body where it belongs. I feel vulnerable but overwhelmingly safe and cared for. 

I also went to Reiki today.  I receive Reiki at no charge through Hospice. One of the Reiki healers came and searched me out just to give me a hug.  She always comes and finds me to give me a hug when I am in the building.  I feel loved.  She honestly loves and cares for me.  We met while my mom was on the Palliative ward.  She came and did Reiki several times on my mom and me.  




And there is all of you.  You, who keep coming back and reading my words.  You keep commenting and loving me even though you receive nothing back. I thank my God for all of you. There is a Bible verse for you!  Phillipians 1:3


picture courtesy of  http://www.flickr.com/photos/27282406@N03/4134929014/sizes/m/in/photostream/

I have been crying for two days now.  I didn't know that was possible.  How do I not become dehydrated?  I am absolutely exhausted.  Even now tears are behind my eyes. God, my heart aches.   It physically aches. I am going to Hospice counselling on Thursday.  


When I was little I was going to run away from home.  I remember crying and just having a bad day.  My brother came out to get me before I got past the front of the house because Mom was going to make strawberry Quik.  I want my life to be that simple again.  My mom and a glass of strawberry Quik.  

Without an Anchor

Do you ever go through your day and all of a sudden it hits you that you have done life wrong?  I feel that I have made a mistake being so close to my mom, dad and family.  I love them so much and now that one of them is gone I feel lost.  I feel like my anchor is gone. Maybe I should have been independent and relied more on myself.  Maybe if I had done that, this would not hurt so much.  I feel like my soul has been ripped out.  I relied so much on my mom's unending and unwavering love and now it is gone and I feel lost.  So fucking lost.  I want to tear apart my clothes. I want to rip out my hair.  I want to fall on the hard cement and find some way to release this pain.  It is strange.  I can go for several days then all of a sudden grief pulls me down, gasping for breath, begging that this pain is not real.  Fuck, I just miss her so much.  My beautiful mom.  She was incredibly good.  How can she be gone?  Does she miss me as much as I miss her?  I even struggle with where she is right now.  Has her soul simply stopped being?  Is she in heaven? Is she in hell?  Has she moved onto another life and forgotten about me?  Has she forgot how much she was loved? 
I prepared for her dying for so long but tonight I don't feel prepared at all.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I want to die myself.  I keep getting up in the morning because I know that there are people that love me but I don't know how I can keep going.  
I go to a grief support group on Friday mornings and I am told that pain eases.  You know what?  I don't want the pain to go away.  It is an absurd companion.  I have no way to explain this.  Maybe if you have grieved yourself you will understand.  It makes no sense that I want to feel terrible. 
I spoke to my dad today about decorating the tree for Christmas (see previous post) and he doesn't know what to do.  He is hurting so much and there is nothing I can do about it.  See?  As a family we got through the hell in life because we did it as a family.  Now one of us is gone.  No, not gone.  Dead.  Gone seems like she could come back.  Dead.  Gone from this life and no longer able to give or receive love.  We are left with these memories that run like sand through our fingers. The memories just hurt right now.
One of the thing that really hit me last week is all the women that loved me are dead.  My grandmothers and mom.  My Nana died in 2004  (link to my old blog) and I still feel a hollow.  I am now the oldest woman in my family.  I still have aunts but I am the oldest woman in my line.  How can this be?  How can that be possible?  I am not ready to be strong like the women in my family.  I  just don't have what it takes.  I make stupid ass mistakes.  I am immature.  I don't make wise decisions. I am not calm and reasonable.  
Alright, this post has exhausted me.  I am tired.  
I want my mom. 

http://ihadablackdog.blogspot.com/

I had a terrible sleep last night.  Terrible sleeps always seem to open the gate so the Black Dog can get it in my house.  I started thinking how close Christmas is which started me thinking about decorating the tree at my mom and dad's house.  Decorating the tree is almost bigger than Christmas.  Sometimes we all can't be together on Christmas day but we are always together to decorate the tree.  We have never missed a year, not once.  Ohhh, this year is going to be so hard.  I don't know if I even want to do it this year.  At this point I want to just scrap it but I know it is important to my kids and nieces.  Anyway, all this thinking just made me so sad and then I started crying. Then I got tired and just wanted to go home.  We were out and I needed to get away from the noises, loud in my head.  I am home now and I had a nap but I am still tired and weary and sad.  And a little depressed today. 
Get this.  You are all aware that Norbert has been wearing the Cone of Shame.  Does it seem weird to you that all of a sudden he is spending a great deal of time sitting on the table with a lamp.  He sits really close and stares at it.  I think he is in love. 

I went to buy Norbert a new collar today at the pet store.  (Norbert lost his, it is my belief that he did it on purpose.)  It is a satellite adoption centre for the S.P.C.A.  There were six tabby kittens.  Six Norberts looking all cute and fuzzy.  I tried to ignore them, I did!  But one of them crawled up the side of the cage and was sticking his wee paw out and giving hi-fives.  I could not resist but to take him out and love him.  He was so cute and purry. And there were five more just like him. No I did not buy one.  I thought of the Norbert at home with the Cone of Shame.  I have my hands more than full with one ungrateful tabby. Look at this picture. He is so full of hate and rage.  I wonder what he would do if he knew I was posting it on the Internet for everyone to gawk at.  He is feeling much better and is almost completely healed.  He barfed up a great big hairball on the bed this morning so I had to wash and change the sheets and two blankets.  I will add that it was my one day to sleep in.  Again, I know he did it on purpose. Oh well, I love a clean bed.   

Norbert

The Ungrateful Bastard is much improved today.  I am using the Vetericyn and it is working like magic.  Norbert is is his usual bad mood, not his sick bad mood. He is up and walking around all cranky-like. I think I need to explain why I can't take him to the Vet and needed to do home treatment.  The vet would have given me a bill of at least $500.00.  Because I stopped working when my mom was dying I have been living on about $800.00 a month.  I simply do no have the money.  Right now I do not even have money to buy food.  I have less than $10.00 in my bank account and that has to last me until the 20th. I knew I would take a huge financial hit by choosing to care for my mom instead of working but I had made a promise to her.  Even if I had not promised her I would have done the same thing.  I am feeling like crap because I did not take Norbert to the vet.  At any rate, he is getting better.  As always, we do the best we can. No more about my finances.  Things always work out one way or another.  I have decided to sell some of my books to get some money so I can buy groceries.  
I am going back to Yoga tonight.  The instructor is not charging me for the class until I get back on my feet.  This type of giving  is called Seva, volunteer work offered to God.  I am truly grateful.
I am having one of those days where everything is overwhelming  me.  I can't seem to think past just sitting here.  I am staring out the window at the birds in the feeder.  I think I need to go back to bed until my mood improves. 


PS- Does anyone know why when I hit "publish post" it does not show up in the reading list for hours and hours later?  I wrote this post this morning and it is now 5:00 and still not showing in the list. 

My New Blog!

OK, so what do you think of my new look?  You all know I love crows and Cat from Catalina's Cottage offered to give my blog a new look.  I am so happy with it.  I think it is perfect!  Yay!


I am going back to work today and I am having a medium sized panic attack over it.  Yesterday I cried a fair amount.  I don't think I will cry when I am with my patients but I feel all jingle-jangled.  (I just made that phrase up.  Where that came from I do not know.)  


Norbert still has a big abscess on his back and is not getting better despite all the treatment I have given him.  I went and purchased this today.  He is still eating and drinking but definitely lethargic.  Of course he is still being an Ungrateful Bastard.  Do you think he has even thanked me once for draining his pus-filled abscess (gag) four to six times a day? Oh no.  He growls and  hisses and tries to bite.  I know it hurts him but still.  He is also in a pissy mood because I won't let him go outside and I know he is going to try to kill me in my sleep because I am making him wear the cone of shame.


OK. I need to go to work.  I am getting a drastically new haircut today.  Pictures tomorrow!


Later that day - I need to write this first part quickly before the moment  is no longer.  Right now my kids are unloading the dishwasher, having a conversation and getting along! Sorry, but that just does not happen in this house very often.
Work was OK today. I also got my hair chopped very short and I am very happy with it.  I am really tired tonight and looking forward to bed.  

A Confession

Here it is. My deep dark secret.  I know I will disappoint some of you.  Some will despise me and never read my blog again but I must tell you the truth. I hate Halloween.  

I hate everything about it.  When my kids were small I dressed them up and took them out, hating it the entire time.  Now that they are older I still hate it.  Why?  Here are some of the reasons. 

 My brother and his friends saw to it that I would be traumatized every Halloween by scaring me all throughout October.  I would walk around in a perpetually terrified state knowing they were going to do something horrible. My adrenal glands were constantly on high alert. They told me every year that they were going to put Neet in my hair.  I also hate loud noises so I hated the screechers and fire crackers.  I hated going out into our rainy October nights.  Once I went through a haunted house where a man in a coffin jumped out at me.  I hated it because Ian J.  won the prize for best costume every year.  He dressed as the same robot every year.  Tin foil on a cardboard box.  Every year.  I hate that Halloween scares animals. So, I hate it.  


Norbert is still sick.  The abscess I thought was drained is not so I am still manually draining it 4 times a day.  It hurts him and it is so gross.  He  is still wearing the cone of shame.  I have had to cut a whole bunch of fur off his back.  I am also using Tea Tree oil so all the fur around the abscess is all oily. Poor kitty. 

I did end up going out the other night. I had a great time.  I did not drink anything other than OJ &7-Up and decaf coffee as I knew I would be driving.  I was home before 10:00.  I was not the only one looking forward to a hot bath and going to bed with a good book. 

I am going back to work this week but just part-time.  I need the money or I would not be going back yet. 

That is about it.  I was up at 5:00 as my fiancé was snoring and I had to take care of Norbert.  I know a nap will be in order sometime today. 

PS- Please keep loving me even though I hate Halloween.  It is the only holiday I hate. 

Norbert's (aka Ungrateful Bastard)  puncture wound seems better this morning.  I am draining it ever 6 hours (gag)  and when I went to drain it this morning there was no more drainage.   Good thing.  I will have to keep on top of it though.
I slept in until noon today.  I am still in my pyjamas and just finished reading blogs.  I am now typing and listening to this song.   It is hard to type! My laptop is bouncing away. One of the best videos I have ever watched.  Awesome. 
Now it is time to get out of my pyjamas and get into my gardening clothes.  I bought the Garden Claw this week.  I can't wait to use it!  Eeeeeee!  


Later that day -


I am inside now.   I was outside for almost 3 hours.  I weeded about 6 feet.  Does that tell you what miserable shape our garden is in?  THE CLAW worked wonderfully but it is hard work.  I found so many spiders and worms.  Our chickens that we are getting next Spring are going to be so clucking happy.
I am supposed to go to a 40th birthday party tonight but I am so tired.  I just want to stay in my warm clothes, have a hot bath and go to bed early and read a book.  Aren't I fun?  But go I will. I think I am going to go have a nap before I have to leave in an hour.  


Love, Peace and Harmony ladies... I love you. I don't say it enough but thanks for reading and the comments. I feel loved.  And that is an amazing thing.  

Poor Norbert

My poor Ungrateful Bastard is really sick.  He has a large puncture would on his spine that has abscessed. (It looks like he was attacked by another cat.)  I have to drain it every four hours and clean it with peroxide and then a thick layer of Polysporin. I then put the cone of shame on him.  Everyone who has ever owned a sick pet knows about the cone of shame.  Since I have not worked since mid-April in order to care for my mom,  I have no money to take him to the vet.  I called this afternoon and it was going to be over $100.00 just for the vet to see him.  If I had the money I would take him but I don't.  Anyway,  I am taking care of him myself.  I am going to call a pharmacy in the morning and see if I can get him some antibiotics.  Poor kitty.  

Finding a Place for Grief

In a world where we are encouraged to organize and deal with everything, I am having a difficult time finding a place and time to grieve.  I cried yesterday while giving blood.  I cried at the orthodontist today.  My employer called and I got teary but fought very hard to not cry.  I cried when my step-mom called.  I just cry all the time.  I am crying now.  I wish I could set a time and place to do my grieving but it doesn't work like that.  I feel so empty after crying even though everyone tells me that crying is good.  I don't like feeling empty.  This is different than any crying I have ever done.  The tears come so fast.  There is no sound.
  
Ms Moon, lovely Ms. Moon told me this would be a holy time and she is right.  I feel very connected to the Universe and God right now.  I meet people who have gone through loss and I feel connected to them.  I feel connected to all of you.  It is strange to feel so much love from people I have never met. It is this love and connection that gets me up out of bed everyday even though I have to have a nap.   


Anyway, it has taken me over an hour to write this post.  I am spent.  My sweetie is making me a grilled cheese sandwich and fries and gravy.  Comfort food, god bless his heart. 


Ungrateful Bastard is still sick. He freaks out, hisses and tries to bit me when I pick him up.  He stayed in his basket almost all day today.   I wonder if he fell or was attacked by a dog.  he is eating and drinking but he is in the baddest mood I have ever seen him in.  Good grief.  I can't beleive I wrote "the baddest mood I have ever seen him in".  Baddest is not a word and  don't believe in ending a sentence in a preposition.  Ah. Who the hell cares any more. 


PS- I forgot to do the pee draw at 6:00 on Monday.  I did remember at 6:00 but on Wednesday.  Judy C. is the winner of a yet undisclosed prize.  I promise, no tea! I do have a great card picked out. 

Snail Relocation Program

Not much going on on my world.  I am sad.  Melancholy.  Blue.  I sigh a lot.  I work in my yard and I will kneel down in the damp grass and sigh.  I pull my dirt-caked gloves off my hands and sigh.  I push my sweaty hair back and put my gloves back on and sigh again.  Then I go back to pulling out everything that is overgrown and tangled in the English ivy which is an invasive species here. It is growing up everything and choking it out; killing it. .  I am leaving very little as the ivy has taken over.  It feels nice to be outside.  The soil is rich and beautiful.  There are spiders and living things.  The soil is full of beautiful earth worms that I gently pick out and put in the compost so they will be happy.  I am finding lots of snails.  I know next year they will eat my vegetable garden.  I can't kill them as they are cute.  I keep them and relocate them to the provincial park across the street where they can live out their lives and be happy and do snail things, whatever that may be. 
 I have things to do this week.  Donate blood tomorrow.  Son has an orthodontist appointment Wednesday. Parent-teacher interviews Thursday.  Reiki Thursday.  Going to a play on Friday.  I am going to meet my step-mom for coffee this week.  She lost her dad a while back and is grieving.  And I just wrote the words step-mom  for a second I thought I sort of still have a mom and then this wave of guilt and grief washed over me and now tears stream down my face  as they do every night around this time.  Oh, god I miss her.  I miss my mom so much.  My god, it seems so surreal.  This can't have happened.  But it did.  I watched it happen.  I held her hand then crawled into bed with my mom as she died.  I feel so fucking lonely.  
I am supposed to go out with my girlfriends on Saturday to celebrate another one of us turning 40. I want to go.  I have known some of these women since I was 5.  I love them so much.  But I fear I am going to start crying. I guess I can step outside before the tears come.  Or maybe I should just stay home. 
At any rate, my love and I are going apple stealing tomorrow.  There is an abandoned orchard and the apples are falling to the ground and rotting.  We are going to go and rescue some.  There are about 300 trees.  
Anyway, that is all I have to say for tonight.  I am going to go wake up my fiancé and ask for some snuggles and cry in his arms for a while.


PS- I wrote this yesterday and posted it and just now realized it didn't post at all. 
Now it is the next day.  I gave blood today while I heard the nurse tell me how much she hated her doctor and then a a list of all the things wrong with herself.  I had bought my MP3 player and I just wanted to lay there and have quiet and rest peacefully but it was not to be.  And tonight it appears the Ungrateful Bastard is sick.  He won't let me pick him up.  I got him in a basket with a heating pad underneath and some towels but he growls and hisses.  Maybe he is doing a fake to make me appreciate him more

Prickly People

Ah, some days my friends my heart goes through a day like today and I offer it you bruised and broken.  I had a yucky day.  The first person I spent time with is a "born-again Christian" and she believes everyone is going to hell. The second person scoffed at my ideas about the power of touch, Reiki healing and love.  She rolled her eyes at one point.  I have so much trouble with prickly people.   I walk around this planet and just love on anyone and everyone.  I can't help it.  It is just the way I am.  I don't want to change and close myself up and be like the prickly people.  And yet, some days these people cause my heart pain.  I don't know.  I am called to love.  That's it.  I guess I should know by now that this life of mine will be painful at times.


Today Isa sent me this song and my heart once again felt warm and protected.  Please go over and say hi to Isa because she is a precious soul.  Her daughter just started Kindergarten and is as cute as a button!  


And I want to share this with you. 

Thanks
by W. S.  Mervin
Listen with the night falling we are saying thank you we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings we are running out of the glass rooms with our mouths full of food to look at the sky and say thank you we are standing by the water thanking it smiling by the windows looking out in our directions back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging after funerals we are saying thank you after the news of the dead whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you over telephones we are saying thank you in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators remembering wars and the police at the door and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you in the banks we are saying thank you in the faces of the officials and the rich and of all who will never change we go on saying thank you thank you with the animals dying around us our lost feelings we are saying thank you with the forests falling faster than the minutes of our lives we are saying thank you with the words going out like cells of a brain with the cities growing over us we are saying thank you faster and faster with nobody listening we are saying thank you we are saying thank you and waving dark though it is

I Hate my Blog

This happens whenever I have been blogging for about 6 months.  I start hating my template.  When I used to blog I could whip up a new template in minutes.  I have completely forgotten how! I was looking for something with an owl or a crow.  Blogger freaked out and told me in no uncertain terms that an error had occurred.  Ahhh,  I used to be so clever and knew how to do so many things.  In the last 10 years I have started having trouble with the simplest of tasks.  I have a basic cell phone and that I don't know how to dial.  No I am not kidding. Every time I dial I make a mistake and end up starting over.  My phone keeps telling me to "wait!".  How dare it and what is with the "!"?  Incidentally, I hate it when my microwave tells me to "enjoy your meal!"   It can fuck off too.  I am heating up a bean bag.  Anyway, I want a new fresh template but I don't know how to do it.  


I went to Hospice House today and cried and cried.  I am just not getting this whole grief thing.  I mean, sometimes I will be driving down the road and a cool song comes on. It is a nice sunny day and I feel happy. Then I feel weird because  my mom just died.  And that is another thing.  I thought she had died 4 weeks ago and it was only 3.  When I read my posts the next day I don't remember writing them.  I leave stove elements on.  I cried a lot today because I am afraid if reincarnation it true my mom has moved on and has forgotten about me.  That thought is more than I can handle right now.  When I thought on reincarnation I just felt sad and hopeless.  What is the point?  I want to see my mom again.  I want to spend eternity with all these people that I love so much.  I don't want to be reincarnated.  And I am sorry to those of you who are reading this that believe in reincarnation but the thought of that right now brings me no comfort. 


I am not sleeping.  It is currently 2:14 in the morning.  I bought some Sleepy Time tea today and I am supposed to drink a cup before bedtime and 3 -4 cups in the evening.  That is 5 cups of tea.  Ladies, tell me what is wrong with this. In fact, let's make this a contest!  My first contest! I will put all the correct answers in a hat and do a draw thing.  I will send you something cool.  I will do the draw on Monday at 6:00 pm.  


So, yeah.  I have a lot of other things I could say but I am not in the mood.  Oh, here is this.  I can't get a hold of my dad.  He went up to the cabin and his cell phone is not working.  The cell phone always works at the cabin.  I keep getting a message that he is out of the service area.  


Anyway, that is it.  I am too tired to proofread so I hope this makes some sort of sense. I am going to go find some chocolate. 

Title-less

Here I am at the undisclosed location this weekend.  I am home now and looking at pictures. The smile is somewhat genuine.  What catches my attention is how tired I look.  My hair is all stuffed into my touque.  My eyes are so puffy with dark circles around them.  Oh, well.  


The time away was very  nice.  I was able to put away some files into the proper places in my brain that had been sitting gathering dust.  I slept a lot.  I watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. I read.  I cried.  I laughed.  I cried more.  I ended up not going to the Upper Realm as "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" so I slept instead.  I read some more but I am having trouble focusing on reading.  I have never had this problem before.  I get angry at grief recovery books that throw all losses into the mix.  Don't, I mean don't try to tell me that losing a job or a pet is the same as losing a parent.  And I would smack anyone senseless that would say it is the same as losing a child. It isn't.  And it pisses me off that we are so fucking politically correct that we have got to the point where books are written and loss is brushed over with the same brush stroke and that some how getting over the loss of a job or a pet is the same as watching your mom die in front of you in the same hospital that she gave you life.  


Anyway...I guess I am dealing with a bit of anger.  I saw two ladies yesterday that I had not seen since my mom died.  Last time I saw them I told them my mom had days left to live.  When I saw them yesterday they did not say a fucking thing.  Is it that hard to say "I am sorry"?  These two women were not what I would call friends.  Our children do an activity together and I have known them for enough time to at least get an acknowledgement that my mom lived and then died. I don't know.  Maybe I am "just too sensitive" as people like to say.  I personally think most people are not sensitive enough.  "I am sorry to hear about your mom".  Eight words.  Acknowledge my fucking pain you bitches!
I sure am crabby tonight.  Twice in the last few days I have gone to phone my mom.  I am not able to sleep at night so I end up sleeping into the afternoon.  I went to the library today.  I told the lady there that my mom passed away and that is why I had not picked up some special order books. She had no issue with saying sorry.  Damn.  I need to let this one go.  I think it is not so much anger but I am in a state of confusion.  I am befuddled.  How can someone ignore a death?   At least pretend to give a shit. Psychopaths can do it why can't you?   God, I am on a roll tonight.  
Anyway. I got the newest Frances Itani book from the library. And some magazines on gardening. I got a book on grief that I am not going to read.  
OK, my sweetie just got up and was wondering why I am not in bed so I am going to go make another attempt at sleep. 
Here are some pictures from the undisclosed location. 

Grove

Graffiti 

George's Grange 

My Battery is Running Low

Undisclosed Location! 

And you thought I meant my life battery didn't you?  No.  I am away in an  undisclosed location where I am receiving a weak wireless connection and I forgot my battery/charger at home.  Actually, that is a lie  I remembered half if it. I don't know where the other half is.  I don't even there was an another half.


Today in my undisclosed location I spoke with a Buddhist poet.  He invited me to a Buddhist meditation tomorrow in a place called the Upper Realm. I think I shall go.  I also met with an itty  bitty woman that is no bigger than a minute but contained this huge spirit.  I spoke with her for 3 hours.  She shared much insight into my grief and my guilt at having grief in the first place. I will share the why of this when I return as my battery is down to 25%
I will tell you I bought a knitted hat, a top to soothe my inner hippy and a raincoat for my niece.  Yay because they were all thrifted bargains  I did buy two new books, one by David Sedaris. and another by Pema Chodeon.  That is it.  OK that is a lie.  I also bought three poetry books.   I love books.
Anyway, it is late at my undisclosed location and I am tired.  I will go meditate with some Buddhists tomorrow even though I am  a Quaker.  Which is about as close as you can get and it doesn't matter too much.. Or at all.  Love.  That is what it is about.  Love and learning and acceptance.  As you know I believe we need to open our hearts and minds and listen to what other people believe and why.  "Come Let Us Reason Together". Today it would probably say, "Let's go get a coffee and talk". So if someday any of you are in my neck of the woods and you feel like getting together for a coffee to reason together let me know.

I received a sympathy card in the mail today from a lady named Diane in Australia.  I don't know a Diane.  I was going to call my mom to ask if she knew.  Right.  I can't do that. 
And as per request,  updates on the Ungrateful Bastard.  I swear to all that is good and true.  The Ungrateful Bastard is trying to drive me over the precious edge of my sanity.  He cries like a baby now when he wants out.  Remember I mentioned previously that he has never been an outside cat?  Now he is the neighbourhood gadabout.  I caught him laying all stretched out on the neighbour's driveway.  It was an embarrassing spectacle.  His previously white paws have become a dingy grey.   He has ear mites now and has scratched all the fur off his ears.  He has scabs all over his body.  I hate calling him in at night because he ignores me.  I stand like a fucking moron calling him and shaking Temptations  .  I know all the neighbours must be laughing at me.


Here is how it goes... all voices are done by me. 




Act One
Scene One


Calling in a normal voice -  Norbert! Here kitty! Here puss, puss, puss!Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! 
Under my breath -                You fucking bastard,  come here.
Louder voice -                       Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Under my breath -                Fucking cat.
Normal Voice -                      Come on Norbert!  Kitty, kitty!
Under my breath -                Get in the house you ungrateful piece of shit
~~Open door and go inside
Louder voice -                      God damn fucking cat.  I don't know why I bother to own a cat at all. 
~~Outside 5 minutes later 
Louder voice -                     Norbert!  Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Calling louder through gritted teeth - NORBERT!
~~repeat about 12 times.
***Enter Norbert daintily prancing up the stairs 
Me in my gentle voice - What a good kitty you are. Mama loves you so much.  Do you want a treat?  Oh dear, you are all wet. Let Mama put the heater on for you and dry your fur. 


End of Scene One
Scene repeats itself over and over and over...

I mock you