I sit and try to post.  The cursor blinks at me. 

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

All the while I have so much to say but none of it seems to matter and yet it all matters so I sit and stare at the damn cursor.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

And it pisses me off because my fingers are tired and won't write.  My brain is fatigued.  My eyes are heavy. My heart beats that of a dead person.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

I buy shit on e bay and I keep buying books and nothing satisfies.  I wander around the pharmacy and walk around and around and around.  I buy some post-it notes.  I don’t need post-it notes.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 


Stop fucking blinking!

I just want to have a sleep and wake up refreshed.  Dinner will be cooked and the kitchen will be clean.  My daughter will stop being snippy and be nice to me.  My fiancé will pretend he gives a shit that I think I am going to die from grief.  

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

And yet, I can't write any of it. I talk to my counsellor and I look at her and try to remember what brought me there. I talk in circles.  Surely she secretly thinks I am crazy.  

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink  

The tree outside my window (I named the tree Brianna) is full of birds.  I stare out at them. They eat from their feeder.  That is the extent of their worries for the day. These days I stare at the birds a lot.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

I don't want to eat anything.  I want to go to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.  I don't want to go to parent/teacher interviews because it is all bullshit.  How my kids did in school this term will have no influence on their lives 20 years from now.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink

What am I to say?  Where do I start?  If I start writing I fear I will open up and there are not enough words to soothe my aching soul.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

My bra irritates me and I pull it down in frustration and wonder why the hell I am wearing it when it causes so much misery.  Outside the birds squabble at the feeder.  There is more than enough food for all of them.  Greedy little shits.  I hate them for their easy lives.  I look again out the window.  Our neighbours are going out for the 5th time today.  I wonder if they are dealing drugs.  Surely not.  They are a lovely couple.

blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink 

I rub my eyes.  The cursor keeps blinking.  I watch it.  Maybe I will go insane.  Then everyone will take notice and click their tongues and feel sad for me.  "So sad",  they will say.  And I will stare and the cursor and smile to myself
.  

 blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink blink

This picture is completely unrelated to post.
 It is a deer that was in our yard a few weeks ago.

I woke up this morning far too early (thanks to the Ungrateful Bastard) so I figured I would post.  I am wrapped in my "comfort shawl" that my Hospice counsellor gave to me.  I love it. It keeps me warm and toasty and yes, comforted.
I think the new antidepressants I am on are starting to work but now I just feel numbness.  It feels like there is a huge hole where my heart used to be.  I am reading some books on grief that I don't hate and want to throw across the room.  They help because I read and feel reassured that I am  my feelings are normal.
I am considering getting my accreditation on Palliative care.  The courses are expensive but this is something I really want to do to better care for the people I look after. I need to make a decision in the next few days.  If I decide that I want to do it later the course are ongoing. They are also online so that makes it much easier. 
I have to be up in an hour so I am going to go back and dive beneath my blankets.

Up All Night

I have been up all night.  And I love it.  My new job is 8 p.m  to 8 a.m. and it is bringing some happiness to my life. I have never been a morning person.  My whole life I have had a very difficult time getting up to the point of panic attacks.  I have always said I do not fit the 9 - 5 world.  I don't sleep well at night but sleep very well during the day.  Why?  I do not know.  I have worked in community health for 12 years now and while everyone is vying for the morning and day shifts I quite happily am working nights.
I am working in a facility right now.  It makes me glad that I can do something to make a persons last days on earth better.  It is hard to see someone get closer to death when it is human nature to want to sustain life but death is a part of life.  It is.  
I had a first time experience last night.  It was one of those "I have to tell Mom about that" then I remembered she is dead.  I was going to tell her something I had remembered.  It was strange. 
OK, I am off to bed.  

An Egg at 4 a.m.

Yes, I am up at 4 a.m. eating a hard boiled egg and toast with almond butter and a glass of milk.  Incidentally,  I lost my salt shaker about 4 months ago.  It is just gone.  How can you lose a salt shaker?  I don't know.  I don't use a lot of salt so it really is a mystery. My friends would shake their heads and laugh because losing a salt shaker is so "me". 
I am taking Ms.  Moon's advice and going to do something nice for myself. I did by some very nice and expensive hand lotion the other day.  I am allergic to every smell in the world with the exception of lavender.  This hand lotion is made locally and she only makes is under the full moon which I originally thought nonsense until I tried it.  I have had severe eczema and this is the only stuff I can use on it.  I can also use it on my over-washed nursing hands.  It apparently works on all sorts of things.  Here, check it out. http://www.aromacrystal.com  Anyway, I digress.  I am going to start doing some nice things for myself.  I am not sure what yet because I have not done anything for just me for a very long time.
I see my grief counsellor today.  She is wonderful.  I truly love this woman. She could be out making $150.00 an hour but instead works for Hospice. She is one of my favourite people.  I also think I am going to take advantage of a free counselling program through my workplace.  
My dad's birthday is this weekend.  I think I am going to go buy him a rechargeable 3 million candle power flashlight for when he is at his cabin.  My mom made me promise I would look after him so this is a start.  Maybe I will buy him some fishing stuff too.  And long underware.   
OK, I am going back to bed.  

Blogging Slump

I am in a blogging slump.  I guess I am in a pretty bad depression.  I am on medication that does not seem to be working yet.  Everything is so joyless right now.  It does not help that is never stops raining.  All I want to do is sleep. I have all these mysterious aches and pains. My asthma, which I have had under control for 16 years is all of a sudden acting up again forcing me to go back on inhalers.  I am cold all the time.  I went to the Sleep Clinic and I didn't sleep.  How surprising is that?   And, I miss my mom.  All the time.  I wish for someone who was like my mom, someone to talk to.  This loneliness is the hardest part of all. 
I started my new position at work last week and it went fine.  It makes me feel somewhat better to be caring for others but a big part of me just wants to be cared for in the way I care for my patients.  
Maybe I need a vacation.  Right now I feel like I am split open and nobody even notices.  I am sobbing and nobody cares any more.  (Why do I always think any more is one word?  Isn't it?)  I mean, I should be over this right?  It will be 4 months on Friday. 4 months ago I held my mom's hand and watch cancer finally win.  I held her hand and watched her take her second to last breath and then 30 seconds later her last.  I kept hoping there would be more breaths.  That she would start breathing again and open her eyes and all of it was a mistake.  She didn't have cancer, she never did.  The doctors were wrong.  Even now, 4 months later I still think the doctors were wrong.  How screwed up is that?  
I thought I would be getting better by now but I am not.  The loneliness I feel for my mom is huge.  I lost the person who has loved me forever.  The person that loved me more than anyone is gone.  
And I feel guilty for posting these depressing posts over and over again.  I want to be funny Birdie again.  I want to write silly posts.   My grief counsellor and all the books I read on grief promise me that I will have better days.  I hope so.

My Mom Stops By to Say Hello

Norbert (the Ungrateful Bastard) was chasing this ladybug around the house today.  I want to say it is snowing outside and below freezing.  I have never seen a ladybug in the winter before.  I have always loved them and thought of them as a sign.  I like to think my mom sent this to me.


I am crabby tonight.  It is that time of the month and I just figured out I have had roughly 325 monthly cycles. WTF?  No wonder I am in a bad mood most of the time.  The whole thought really makes me hate men. OK, not all men but men in general.  


Oh! I love my new e reader.  I ended up getting a Sony.  I really have no idea what the differences between readers are, I just love the idea that I can read wherever I want.  Do you know a doctor told me I should not read before bed?  Now listen. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs or really ever go out.  In general, I don't have fun. I have no vices. I watch about 2 hours of TV a week. What do I do?  I read.  I will always read.  It brings me so much contentment in life and it makes me happy.  There is no way that I am going to stop reading.  Just thinking about not having the ability to read freaks me out.  


Anyway, it is almost time for bed. Norbert aka the Ungrateful Bastard is asleep beside me.  I think I am going to poke at him just for fun.
(You know I won't of course.)

Latex Allergy Extreme

My appointment with the allergist yesterday was most interesting.  I don't just have a latex sensitivity or even a latex allergy.  It is a Latex Anaphylaxis. It is a very rare (she has only ever had one patient this severe before) that she did not follow through with the entire test as she was concerned I could go into anaphylactic shock right there, or worse after I left her office.  She recommended an epi-pen and a medical alert bracelet.  This is all so weird to me.  I had no idea it was that bad.  I mean I knew I needed to avoid latex because I displayed symptoms but I didn't know I could die from it.
Anyway, She also did a bunch of other testing and it turns out I have no other allergies (including cats, dairy, wheat, peanuts, shellfish or soy.  The only one that was positive was dust mites.  It was also severe but not  anaphylactic severe.  I just have to wash all my bed linens in hot water and have a mattress pad and pillow cover for dust mites.  I also need to keep my bedroom dust free.  I don't have carpet in the bedroom so that is very good.  She gave me an inhaler because my lungs are all buggered up from the dust mites. (Pun intended.)
So, that was my day!  I got to sit and talk to my dad and it made me so happy.  I feel so fractured right now and he helps to make me feel more whole.
My son's play went splendidly!  The next play he could be in is "Hairspray" but I think he has decided to opt out.  He needs a break.  He has been in 10 major productions in 5 years and it is time for a break.  He also just does not want to do  Hairspray!  ha ha
OK, I am off to de-dust my bedroom. 

And so...

My Igloo

I went to my doctor today and he has me on an new anti-depressant.  The one I am on is clearly not working.  He also doing blood work for a bunch of crap.  I am sure my blood work will be fine.  Maybe one day blood will be able to detect high levels of grief.  Maybe.  He also recommended more Reiki and hypnotherapy.  This is the reason I love my doctor.  He practices Reiki himself and gives Reiki to his patients.  He said when he first started his practice he was having a very hard time until he discovered Reiki.  He is now able to keep his energy balanced while still endlessly giving to patients.  Any other doctor that I have mentioned Reiki to looks at me like I am a fruitcake.
Tomorrow I am going to have latex allergy testing done.  The appointment is 2 hours away and I am going with my dad.  Yay!  As for the latex allergy, it appears I have developed one.  My new employer is sending me to have testing.  I am not really sure why.  I think heart palpitations, numb lips and my throat closing up should be evidence enough but whatever...
My son is in a play this weekend.  He is playing the Wiz!  He is very talented.  This is his 10th major play he is been in.  His other big part was playing Jafar in Aladdin.
I just spent almost $400.00 for a new Highland jacket for my daughter.  Seriously?  $400.00?  My mom and dad used to help pay for all the extra curricular activities for my kids but now all my dad has is his pension so I will have to pay for everything now.  Do you think my kids dad will help?  Hahahahahahahahhahahahaha!  Let's just say my new job came at the perfect time. If I had not got this job my kids would have not been able to continue.  My daughter is 14 and has been dancing since she was 6.  It would have broken her heart.  I am so glad that I can do this for them.
OK, I am cold, as usual.  I live in Canada.  It is supposed to be cold.  I need to turn up the heat in the old igloo.  Night all. I love you.  Thank you for loving me. xo

Update

So, I have been pretty much going to work and sleeping.  I can't believe how tired I am all the time.  I *am* going to he doctor tomorrow and I hope I get some things straightened out.  On top of being tired I am not eating because my stomach can't handle food.  Stress. meh
I worked 8 hours yesterday and 7 today. I am off tomorrow! Yay!  I start my my new position next week.  Anyway, that is all.  I am off to work. 

Slipping Fast

I don't even know why I am blogging any more.  It is not helping. Every day now is worse than the day before.  I  am thinking this is now bigger than grief and loss.  I guess the black dog forced his way in sometime in the last few weeks.  I know I need to go to my doctor and get on some new anti-depressants because the ones I am on are most definitely not working.  
I just want this long panic attack to stop.  I fee like I am dying.  I want  to die.  I wish I was dead and gone from this relentless pain.   However, I am stuck here because I would not do that to my kids.  I am in hell.  There is no peace.  I look forward to nothing.  Life is like shards of glass on my heart and mind.  Everything is beyond darkness.  It is drowning me and fear and terror grips every moment of my life.  Oh, dear god I want to die.  I can't even take a full breath.  What am I going to do?  There are no answers.  I have lived a lifetime of a depressed person with anxiety.  I can't do this any more.  I wish I was outwardly ill so someone would notice.  But nobody does.  I am invisible.  Maybe I will just fade away.  Gone.


Update - A few hours later... I went to work but it I ended early so I wandered around the pharmacy and bought some hair colour and 2 Susan Boyle CD's.  My mom speaks to me through music.  I am feeling a little better.  A little. 

Waking Up

I woke up the last two mornings and just felt so lost.  I feel like I am constantly running from grief and then it catches up to me and knocks me down.  When I am running I feel like air is being squeezed from my lungs.  I get so physically tired.  I have been sick now for over 3 weeks and just can't get better.  If anything, I am getting worse.  Anyway, I blog this and I wonder what the point is.  Will I ever not feel lost?  Before my mom died I wondered how I could go on after she died.  Now I know I am going on and the going on is the worst part.  I just want to stop everything.  
My job is going well.  I really look forward to my days off.  Christmas tree is down but boxes are sitting around waiting to be put away.  
So, that is about it.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom.  I am off to have a hot bath and then bed. 

Nightmares

One of the worst things about my mom dying is the nightmares that she died.  Waking up brings no relief because I find out it is true.  I also dream that my mouth is full of gum and I can't get rid of it.  As fast as I pull it out of my mouth is appears again. 

Definition:

Dreaming that you are chewing gum, suggests that you are unable to express yourself effectively. You may feel vulnerable. Alternatively, is symbolizes a sticky situation that you found yourself in. Dreaming that you are unable to get rid of your gum, suggests that you are experiencing some indecision, powerlessness or frustration. You may lack understanding in a situation or find that a current problem is overwhelming.http://www.hyperdictionary.com/dream/gum

Waxing my Eyebrows at 2 a.m.

I see a lot of people are posting a year in review.  I have decided not to do that as it was hard enough to write the first time.  Though I am glad I have it all written down. Death, like birth is a holy and precious time.  One day I will look back and read my words.  Or maybe not.  


So...here is some exciting news!  I applied for a permanent position at my new job and I got it.  Even though I am the lowest on the seniority list of 200 people I got the permanent position  because they were impressed with my interview and experience.  The interviewer said I "nailed it in the interview".  It will be working 3 nights a week with people needing to be hospitalized on put into extended care when a hospital bed is not available.  It will also be caring for people who have had to leave the hospital early because the hospital needs the bed.  I am so stoked about this.  It is excellent pay.  For the first time in my adult life I will not be living below the poverty line.  I will get benefits too, oh yes I will.  I have worked so long and many crappy jobs to get this and I am so glad.


I had a nice Christmas. It was quiet and peaceful.  I loved on my new niece. She is sitting up now and then tips over.  So cute. 


I got a cold for Christmas.  And a Sony Reader. I can't really figure out how it works yet but I did download one book.  
So, now it is Boxing day.  I am sitting wrapped in my mom's pink fuzzy robe.  I will going to bed soon. I hope you all had a nice Christmas full of love, family and friends.  

I am a Canadian Abomination

I hate winter.

I hate the cold.  I hate snow.  I hate ice.  I hate black ice.  I hate frost; including hoarfrosts.  I hate snowstorms. I hate blizzards.  I hate flurries. I hate freezing rain.  I hate sleet.  I hate hail.  I hate skating. I hate curling.  I hate skiing.  I hate snowboarding.  I hate sledding. I hate hockey.  I hate icicles. I hate being chilly. I hate goose bumps. I hate shivering. I hate 8-hour days. I hate a cold nose. I hate cold toes. I hate cold ears.  I hate warming up my car.  I hate fogged up car windows.  I hate gloves. I hate winter coats. I hate touques.  I hate scarves. I hate colds (I am fighting one) and flus.  I hate Christmas songs that talk about snow.  ("Let it Snow"?  Fuck you, I have to drive in the shit while you sit on your fat ass drinking hot chocolate.)  I hate falling on ice.  I hate walking in the snow.  (OK, I like the crunchy sound.)  I hate cleaning snow off my car.  I hate shovelling snow.  I hate scraping my windshield.  I hate driving on icy roads. I hate chapped lips.  I hate having to blow my nose every 10 seconds. I hate dry, cracked hands.  I hate cold hands.  I hate snowballs.  I hate igloos.  I hate slush. I hate dirty snow.  I hate snowmen.  I hate all snow people. I hate snow animals.  I hate snow flakes. I hate making snow angels. (I can't get up again without ruining it.)  I hate sweaters made of wool.  I hate "snow days".  I hate being tired because there is no light.  I hate the wind blowing in my face.  I hate the Winter Olympics (so lame.)  I hate unplowed roads.  I hate salted roads. I hate treacherous roads  I hate getting my car stuck in the snow.  I hate looking at snow.  I hate being in the snow.  I hate pictures of snow.  I would have hated the Cold war. I hate cold fronts.  I have cold snaps.  I hate snow burns. I hate wind burns.  I hate that my glasses fog.  I hate snow tires.  I hate the sun reflecting off the snow. I hate leg warmers.  I hate ear muffs. 

There.  I feel better. Happy First Day of Winter, folks.  Meh. 

I have become a blogging anomaly.  The whole point of blogging is to actually blog but I am not blogging at all.  I have lots of thoughts in my head but have no time to think about wirting them down.
I have been working more than I want to.  I started at 8:30 this morning and finished at 9:00 this evening.  I did have a 3 hour gap (does anyone like split-shifts) which was filled with appointments and doing things that women do.  The good news is I am going to have a nice cheque coming to me but I have never been one driven by money so I am not overly excited about that.  The bad news is I am really, really tired.  I am just going all the time.  I don't really have time to eat and I am losing weight.  Nice to lose weight but a really bad and unhealthy way to do it.
I miss my mom every second of the day.   I think about her at least every hour.  She speaks to me through music.  You know what?   I feel closer to her now than I did when she was alive.  It is strange.  I was very close to my mom when she was here on earth but now I feel this connectedness.  I can't explain it in words.  
There are lots of other things going on.  Here is a recap.

• I finished my Christmas shopping tonight.
• We had a deer sleep in our yard today which was lovely but now I am wondering if there is any point to planting vegetables next year.
• My brother continues to be a twit.  He doesn't work.  He was supposed to pick my dad up tonight at the ferry tonight but he wasn't in the mood so he asked me to do it.  He said he couldn't drive that far because he needs new tires for his truck.  But, apparently his truck works well enough to go to a Christmas party. Twit.   

e reader

Does anyone have an e reader?  I am thinking of getting one but I have no idea where to start.  What brand would you recommend and why?  Thanks!

Judy Garland - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

I had never heard this version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" until this weekend.  It is so beautiful.  I think my mom wanted me to hear them.  I send it on to all of you that are missing someone this Christmas.  Do you like these lyrics better or less? 


Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were near to us
Will be dear to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now




(And Judy Garland is the last word on a perfect voice. Maybe Karen Carpenter as well.) 

Dido - See The Sun

Ah, my lovelies. I am still here.  I have been working like mad.  It is good but I am so tired.  I am working in Community Health which means I am working nights and driving around in the dark trying to find addresses.  Please people, go right now and buy proper house numbers for your house and make them clearly visible.  Not only is important for you but your neighbours as well.
Today has been a bad day.  I had a dream about my mom and she was really sick.  She said she wanted to die because knew how hard it was on my dad.  It was not a nice peaceful dream where she was ready to go.  It was just desperately sad.  I am still sad thinking about it.  My mom was not ready to die.  She died because she had no choice.
I went to grief counselling yesterday.  I told my grief counsellor the only way I can remember my mom right now is in the hospital and dying.  I can't get the images out of my mind.  My mom was so beautiful and she wasted away to nothing.  Cancer stole everything from her in the end.  My cousellor tells me I need to keep telling my story again and again until I can chip away at it and make it a manageable load to carry.  
I miss my mom.  

Fleetwood Mac - Songbird

Missing my mom today. I was so busy all week with my new job. Ironically, we spoke on Palliative care and discussed pain management for the dying. I had to look down a few times to compose myself. It is all so new.

You know what though? Through all of this I know more than ever I want to become a Palliative nurse.  I want to give end of life care. I want to care for people when they are scared and feeling alone, even if it is something simple as sitting with them and stroking their hair or even sitting in silence. Sitting when there really are no words and love is so much bigger than fear and emotional pain.
I know when I was really small that I felt a calling on my life and I new I was going to be doing something different in a caring capacity. I did not know what it was for a very long time and I asked God a lot of questions about where I was to be. For many years I have been hearing that I had to wait and I didn't know why. I know now. Before my mom got really sick I knew I wanted to work with people in the last stages of living but it eluded me. When my mom died it did not drive me away from being with the dying but it called me closer. I have known for a long time that I wanted to work with the dying but now I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And so, the first blessing appears with regards to my mom dying.

I was still wondering how it was all going to come together. This week my nurse leader told us about a new program that was being adapted specifically for palliative clients and we were to come and speak to her if we were interested. Sometimes the earth shifts so loudly and it did for me at that moment. I know this is what I am going to be doing. Not right now as my own pain is so raw and fresh but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what I have been waiting for. I have been waiting for 40 years to figure out what I was going to do when I grew up and now what is going to happen. And I feel so glad. And I feel grateful. And I feel my mom close and know she is orchestrating this.

Christmas is coming fast and I am not so scared now. There will just be 10 of us for dinner instead of the regular chaos of 25. My mom won't be here, but she will. She will. I do wish sometimes I had a river I could skate away on and yet, I have my family. My daddy. My brother. My sister. My kids. My love. My 2 beautiful nieces; one of them who is having her first Christmas, and of course my brother-in law. It hurts so much still but it is good. It is.

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

When I laid there beside you,


Could you feel me there?

My arms were wrapped around you,


And I was stroking your hair.




I was talking about all the good times,

For me they were every single day.

I wanted you to feel love and comfort,

And happy in some way.



I watched your every breath,

And prayed that each one wasn't your last.

The time we got to share together,

Went by too quick...Too fast.



I wanted you to wake up,

Please Mum...Open your eyes.

Tell me this is a nightmare,

And not our goodbyes.



As your last breath grew closer,

We lay there peacefully together.

My heart continually breaking,

Because I wanted you forever.



Then there it was,

Your final breath of air.

I didn't want to believe it,

This is so cruel and not fair.



I held your beautiful face,

And prayed you'd breath again.

I wasn't ready for you to go,

I couldn't admit that this was the end.



But then I realized that you were now in peace,

And not suffering any more.

You were beginning the life of an Angel,

And your body would no loner be sore.




I held you close and squeezed you tight,

And tried to say goodbye.

I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,

All my heart could do is cry.



I slowly got up,

I wanted so much to stay.

I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,

It was so hard to walk away.




Mum you are my entire world,

And I miss you so very much.

I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,

And your soft and gentle touch.


But for now I have to wait,

Until we meet again.

You will always be in my heart and thoughts,

My dear Mum and best friend.



Always and Forever,

Our hearts will always touch.

Always and Forever,

Your baby girl loves you so much.

Falling Asleep in Yoga

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sooglepot/2601372415/

This week I have been training at my new job.  I am really tired, so tired that I feel asleep in yoga during Shivasana.  I have not been reading blogs but I hope to get caught up this weekend.  Not much crying this week but I did cry today when I used my cell phone to call my dad and I scrolled to, "Mom and Dad" on my phone book.  I cried because my mom will never be answering the phone again.  Never.  I still can't realize "forever".  Forever makes me so sad and feel so desperate.  
I don't have much to say.  I need a hot bath and a hot chocolate and bed.  I have been so cold. I can't get warm.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom. I miss my mom. I am lonely for her. 

Dear god, I have been sucked down a black hole.  In my last post I was looking for a young man named Arnold that died in the W.W. 1 (It turns out he was my first cousin 4 times removed.)  I became very, very side tracked.  And this is what I found!  
Most of you know my real name.  I know I am named after my great-grandmother.  I never knew anything about her other than her first name.  (I met her when I was very young.)  Last night while searching for Arnold I found my great grandmother.  And much, much more.  I found all my grandmothers from that line all the way back to 1748.  And...all of them had my name as a first or second name. That is 263 years of my name.  I was floored when I found this out.  When my mom named me she did not know that the name went that far back.  She just liked my dad's grandmother and liked the name.  So, there you go. I also found out that my great grandmother was born in Austria and her mother and grandmothers were born in Germany.
I am glad to be getting my mind off my mom though I did cry yesterday about 5 times.  I am stressed about Christmas.  I know my mom would want me to have a happy Christmas but I don't know that that is completely possible.  Anyway, I am OK at this particular second.  

It seems my body and brain are giving me a break from my grief.  That raw grief that makes me want to never go out of the house again and thinks sleeping until January 2nd is a good idea has lifted for the moment.  I went to Reiki yesterday and had two Reiki healers doing their magic on me at the same time so I think that has something to go with it.  I did wake up with anxiety at 4:30 this morning.  The Ungrateful Bastard woke me up purr-purr-purring away all happy to see me and wake me up.  I decided to get up and have a bit of breakfast and blog.  I had some eggs and I can tell you right now that I can't wait to have my own chickens.  Store bought eggs are tasteless. 
See this young man to the left?  His name is AM. He is from my family.  I have discovered all sorts of things about him.  I know his full name and his date of birth and that  he died on June 17th, 1915 at the age of 22 in WW1. I even know where he is buried and have pictures of the cemetery in France.   All I had to start with is this picture.   The problem is I do not know who his parents were so it is almost impossible to place him in the family tree.  I know his next of kin is James and I guessed that was his father but James was a popular name back then. I can find a few men named James but none of them have a son named Arnold.  I feel sort of sad that I can't place him on the tree.  He was somebody's boy.  And he was so young.  He never had a life so speak of.  I wonder if he left behind a girl.  What did his mom do when she got the news?  And how much more sorrow that he was buried in France and they never were able to bring flowers to his grave. Just one day, dead at 22.  Genealogy is like going down a rabbit hole.  You don't know where it is going to lead.  You can spend hours upon hours searching and come up empty.  Anyway, I will keep looking. I am determined to not have this young man forgotten any more.  He deserves his place.  If I am every in France I will find his grave is at in Le Treport Military Cemetery, France and put flowers on it and tell him he is remembered. 
Well, I am going to go back to bed for a bit then get on with my day.  I have my grief support circle  this morning and I am buying a ladder at Home Depot. I do not like Home Depot. All the employees hide, I think.  Or there really are only 3 people that work there.  It should be loads of fun. 
Happy Thanksgiving to my friends to the south! 

My Dad

I found this post while reading my old blog.  It is about my dad.  

Daddy's Girl

I am a daddy's girl. But I wasn't always. I was born into a home by a man that didn't know how to be a father. He was an angry and abusive person.  He used to hang me over bridges and the ferry and pretend to let go. I was terrified of him.  I hid when he was in the house.  I have since made amends with my father and I love him.

But my dad? Who is he? My mom had been a single mom and met my dad when I was 7 and got married when I was 9.  I have adored this man from the beginning. He took on a role that didn't belong to him. He stepped in and became my daddy. He has taught me more about life than anyone. From changing the brakes in my car to making the perfect spaghetti sauce. He has been my shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. He is always there for me. Always. He has never judged me for my many, many messes I have got myself into. In fact, he helped me out of them. He has been there when I call him up at 7:00 a.m. because my car won't start and I need a ride to work. (And while I am at work he fixes my car.) He has been there late at night when I call him because I am crying and need someone to listen. He is my hero. 

He took on a job that was not his own. He has never once made a statement declaring me any less than a flesh and blood daughter. In fact, in his Will he calls me his flesh and blood.  He became a daddy to a little girl that so desperately needed one.

OK, Blogging Break is Over

I have had another crying most of the day kind of day.  I cried in the bank line.  I cried at the insurance office.  I cried in my car. I cried before I had a nap.  I cried after I had a nap.  I think I even may have cried during my nap.  In is so strange because the first few weeks I was O.K. and now I am just not OK.  Or maybe I am and I am just grieving in one of the most raw ways one can grieve.


One thing I never knew about grief is how much it can effect (or is it affect?) you physically.  I am so tired but when I sleep I shake and can't stop. (I have to take Ativan before sleep.)  My joints ache.  My eyes sting.  I can't relax and so my muscles ache.  I am cold all the time so I wear a toque around the house. My stomach is in a knot all the time. 


I do have some good news.  Remember last week I said I was hoping something really good was going to come from something I did the previous week but I didn't want to say what it is yet because I am superstitious and didn't want to jinx it?  Well, that good thing happened!  I applied to do home support in a union job and I got it!  My wage will be going up $4.00 and hour.  I will be able to quit my current job for an employer that has not given me a wage increase in 2 years.  (I sent my 2-week notice tonight.) It will take awhile to get a permanent position but this  is going to make a big difference in my life and the life of my family.  When I get a permanent position I will even get benefits.  Yay!  I am especially thankful right now because I will have seven days of paid training and now I will be able to afford Christmas presents for my kids.  I will be able to afford to buy food.  Yay!  
So, now I am off to bed.  Who was I kidding? I can't not blog.  I love you all so much.  Thanks for the encouragement.  Thanks for loving me. xo

Grief vs. Depression

Taking a Rest from Blogging 

It is one of those days when I don't think I have it in me to keep posting about my mom dying and my grief. I sit down with my laptop and my fingers become heavy.  I can't seem to form thoughts that make any sort of sense.  I spent more of today crying.  Now I am just numb and so very tired.  I managed to cook myself a piece of fish but other than that I have not had anything to eat.  All my clothes are getting loose. My kids are at Papa's today. They had a sleepover with my 6 year old niece.  I am glad they are having fun.
My question now is when do I start thinking this is depression instead of grief? What is the difference?  I am having days that are OK but I still don't really want to go out into the community.  It overwhelms me. 
I did manage to get dressed today.  Changed the bed.  Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the cat's litter box.  Did a few loads of laundry. I am really, really tired now. I just want a hot bah then to go to bed.  
Maybe instead of no longer blogging I should just take a break.  I really do live for your comments.  They keep me going. I go to Hospice for support but other than that I am feeling lonely.  I could die right now and it would be hours before anyone even noticed.  I walk around my own house and nobody talks to me.  Lonely and invisible.  
I don't know what else to say,  I know dear reader that many of you are no longer reading because my writing is so negative and sad.  I completely understand. It is hard enough in this world to get by with your own problems, never mind reading about someone else's. 
So yes, a break. Maybe I will be back tomorrow or next week.  I just know I need a break.  I will continue to check in on all of you.

It is Saturday.  I have done nothing today.  The Ungrateful Bastard is actually sitting beside me.  If I pet him it will send him into a rage and he will run away. I really do love this cat though. He is so cranky you can't help but love him.  He watches the birds and I watch him and he is just so cute.  And hateful. 
We are going to my biological father's and his wife for dinner tonight. (Is that sentence is a grammatical nightmare?)  I am supposed to vote today and this is the first time I don't feel like voting. I am a big advocate on voting but I just don't care right now.  I really don't.  But I will still vote because it is the right thing to do.  It is a municipal election. 
My bra is pinching me.  My eyes sting from crying.  
I am working on my own little cubby.  I have not had my own space for years and years.  It is an area about 6' x 7' but it will be mine.  I have my book case in there and one of those zero gravity chairs.  I have my pictures and I am going to hang shiny things from the ceiling. I will have my music as well. I can take my laptop down there too.  
Well, I have to get ready to go out.  Norbert is still beside me. I did pet him for a bit and he purred.  Silly cat. xo


Here is a nice video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjqCQ-E0S30

I have not been posting.  Too tired and nothing to say anyway.  So here is a point by point synopsis of my week.

• Today is my daughter's birthday.  She is 14. She is kind, generous, tall, beautiful, smart and caring.  I am so proud of her!
• My dad found out this week that his dog has cancer in his rectum.  There is no treatment or cure.  Eddie the dog is a 13 year old, wonderful and loving chocolate Lab. I understand that he is an old dog but now?  Why now?  Now my dad is facing that he will have to put Eddie down. Eddie was in the room in palliative care when my mom died. 
•  My breasts hurt.  Achy, PMS breasts with a hint of menopause thrown in for good measure.  My nana went into menopause at 32 so don't tell me I am too young. I am having a mammogram next week.  I have been having them for 9 years as breast cancer is in my family.
• I hate almost every book ever written on grief. A throw across the room hate.
• Right now I am telling my kids to go to bed but they are ignoring me but I am too tired to do anything about it.
• I am hoping that something really good is going to come from something I did last week. I can't say what it is yet because I admit I am superstitious and don't want to jinx it.
• I learned a cool new position at yoga yesterday but I have forgotten how to do it because I am so tired. 
• My daughter has finally gone to bed but my son is still ignoring me.  
• I am going to go have a hot bath and a cup of tea.  Good night, world.