How long since I posted a real post and not just a quote? meh I don't know. A while. For some reason I am just postless even though there is a lot going on. My son is graduating next month. My daughter was chosen for a dance team. My husband and I exchanged rings (finally!). We have been working in the garden and the weather has been so nice. I am getting more hours than usual at work. My car broke down but now it is fixed. Friday morning I locked myself out of my house...haven't done that in years and years. Last weekend my husband and I went away for the night but just as we were driving out of town we hit traffic that was totally stopped because of a motorcycle fatality.  It stayed stopped for 5 hours. Fortunately we were are at a part of the highway that does not have a median and we were able to turn around and come home. Everyone else was stuck for kilometers.  We would have missed our ferry but the hotel graciously let us cancel and reschedule for this weekend. Which brings me to one point. My husband is not allowed to get a motorcycle. I think that is the only thing that he is not "allowed" to do. I gave him one veto on something I want to do. There is no way I want to identify my husband in pieces. Nobody can change my mind so don't try. My son and daughter aren't allowed either. Even when they are 65 they will not be allowed. They will have to tell their retired friends that my mom won't let me even though I will be in my 90's or dead. Even if I have dementia I will know and they will have to return it to whence it came. 

See? This is why I am not posting! I am imagining scenarios in the year 2064.

"In the best of times, our days are numbered anyway. So it would be a crime against nature for any generation to take the world crisis so solemnly that it put off enjoying those things that we were designed in the first place: the opportunity to do good work, to enjoy friends, to fall in love, to hit a ball, and to bounce a baby." Alistar Cooke

Lately it seems as if this blog has served its purpose. The last few weeks I feel as if I am forcing posts. And the Black Dog is lurking. I can't be completely honest on my blog anymore. I have to monitor what I say so it seems quite pointless. The only safe thing to write is about stupid shit I am doing and the weather. 

Then again, whenever I think I don't want to blog anymore there will be a shift and I start up again. Right now however I just have nothing. My heart feels empty and my soul feels cold. Yes, I know I was doing so well but I can't write here about what is going on. Blogging used to be so therapeutic. Now it isn't.

So maybe a break? Maybe so. If you don't hear from me for a while you will know what. But who knows. Maybe I will post tomorrow. 

I have all but given up on trying to post.  Way too busy and the weather has been so nice. I am trying to at least read your posts but blogging can take up a lot of time. Recently I did a purge to get down the blogs I read to something manageable but then I feel bad because how do you decide?

We had our sort of Easter dinner tonight. I had forgot all about so I picked up a pre-cooked glazed ham that was HUGE and made scalloped potatoes that I burned. I am not a cook. It is not something I find even the least bit enjoyable. I don't usually burn things though.

Anyway, that is it. The day is over and I need to go to bed. 

I am at the point where I have become so busy that I have to decide between reading and commenting on posts or posting myself. I will do a short post tonight and try to catch up on reading tomorrow.

Today was so busy. Al Anon, library, groceries, taking my son to an appointment, mowed the lawn, went to a meeting of the local historical society, cleaned the bathroom, changed the bed, took the kids to school, picked them up, e mailed people, ordered an ipod, did laundry... I think there was other stuff but I am too tired to remember now. There is already a list started for things I didn't get to today that have to be done tomorrow. But, you know what? I don't mind at all because it is so great to finally feel good again!

As I said, tonight I went to a meeting of the local historical society. I am the youngest person by about 20 years, maybe 30. They had presentation and I would like to know why anytime any group has a presentation with a computer and a projector nobody knows how to work it. There is always a problem. And there is always some guy named Bud who knows how to fix it.  Just once I would like to see someone turn it on and it works. When I was sitting down some guy came up behind me and stood about 6 inches behind me. A major infringement on my personal space. He was so close I got shivers down my back. They had a 50/50 draw which leads me to another question. Why is it when they have a 50/50 draw and call out the number the person that wins has no fucking clue that they won? They call the number. No response. They call the number again. No response. They number is called again and some twit goes, "Oh, that's me!" Whenever they draw for 50/50 I have my ticket cleaned in my fingers willing them to call my numbers but they never do. Ever. Pisses me off. 

OK, that is it. I need to have a bath and go to bed. 

Chirp

Whenever I finish my set of night shifts I feel tired and achy and about 100 years old. When I got home this morning I did sleep some but now that spring is here our neighbourhood is getting noisy. People working in their yards and on cars. It is now 7:00 and I am about to go soak in the hot tub then get my jammies on. Then, blissful sleep. 

Only got a little work in the yard done today. Dandelions. Always with the dandelions. It seems I have to resign myself to pulling them out for the rest of my life because the neighbours across the street has about 12, 837 in their yard and they blow into our yard. But I can't complain. Spring is here in fine form and tree and flowers are blooming everywhere. Birds are everywhere and very chirpy. Ah, I can't complain. My antidepressant medication is keeping the synapses connected and all the therapy is paying off. I go to bed each night with my love. Life is good. 

An Iffy Connection

It is 2:30 a.m. and I am at work with a two bar Internet connection .  Will see if it lasts while I put together a very short post.

Yes, work. Have I mentioned I love my job? I get to meet the coolest people. I could write a book on the stories I have been told.

Well, I wrote the above last night and lost connection so I just gave up. Now I am home and just woke up and getting ready to go to work and I see all sorts of new posts from all of you but I don't have time to read them. Maybe I will get online tonight.

Remember way back in December when I started a huge cross stitch? I think I will be able to finish it tonight. I just have to finish off one heart and do the bottom curvy part and a leaf. After that I have to quilt it and put a binding on it. I have never quilted anything before and have no idea how to do it. It can't be too hard and I think I can figure it out. What's the worst that can happen?

Weeds

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Does anyone else bother to source pictures? 

More weed pulling today. Only today it was dandelions, not bluebells. The bucket was so heavy afterwards I needed two hands to lift it. That is a lot of dandelions. In our home we do not use any chemicals to kill weeds because we know the impact they have on the environment and we live across the street from a stream. Instead we pull dandelions with this tool. It works great and kind of fun. However it does not work on the bluebells because they have a bulb and not a root and are about 8 inches down. Anyway, the yard is dandelion free today but more will show up tomorrow because that is what dandelions do. Next week I am going to put a raised bed in our front yard out of scavenged bricks. 

My daughter has been having problems with her heart. Irregular heartbeat, palpitations, missing beats. She had an ECG today and now we are waiting for a heart rate monitor. I am guessing it is caused by anxiety because well...I (the anxiety queen) am raising her. 

My laptop fan is not working so I am cutting this post short. I have a small fan sitting by me to keep it cool and I am freezing! 

I should be folding laundry. I should be putting another load in the wash. There are so many things I should be doing right now but I am sleepy and just want to go to bed. Unfortunately my son went to see Captain America and I am picking him up so I have to stay up until 10:30! 10:30! I have to ask myself when 10:30 became late. Remember the days when you were just getting started at 10:30? 

Today I pulled Bluebells. They are awful little flowers that root very deeply and are invasive here. Last year and the year before I pulled them with the hopes that there would not be as many but it seems there are more now than ever. And I know everyone is going to say how beautiful bluebells are but they are not at all beautiful when there are 40 million of them and the choke out everything else except the ivy which is also invasive. 

OK, I got stuff to do so that is all for today.

New Grandparents

Well how did the hell this happen? If you don't know already I do geneology. Though I am by no means an expert I am a more advanced researcher having added hundreds of people to my tree. Though I have had considerable help on my father's maternal side I have done the other three lines on my own. (Father's paternal and mother's maternal and paternal as well as my step-father's parents.) I guess I was getting too cocky because I just found out tonight that I made a huge mistake. Remember I mentioned my father's father left when my dad was about 4? Nobody, not even his children know much about him. I did know his mother's name because I was named after her as she remained a part of our lives.  I was given a bulletin from her funereal and knew her date of birth. Tonight I realized my mistake. I have been following the wrong person! There were 2 women that had the exact same name as my great grandmother born in 1904, one in January the other in October.  Both were from Saskatchewan. Their last name was not a common one and I had never heard of it before or since. Seriously frustrating. I have to say that even though I am mad at myself for not noticing that I was following the wrong family all along it shows how geneology is incredibly fascinating and never boring. With that one mistake I now have about 50 new people to add to my tree!

Aunt Flo is visiting. Since I have been taking Magnesium citrate the pain is not as bad but I still want a hysterectomy. I am way too old for this.

Just got a call from my employer and they want me to work overtime. The money is awesome when it comes to overtime but I am tired and want to go home. Oh, well.

And here I am back at work. Remember last week when I mentioned the home I was in was making me nervous and I thought it was an apartment with drug dealers? I am caring for the same person but she was moved because the situation got really bad and one of my co-workers was threatened and 911 was called. Apparently the tenant also shoved my client. (She is 90.) We have a fabulous union backing us up and have the right to refuse unsafe work environments so service was cancelled. Because my client needs 24-hour care she was moved into an assisted living facility immediately. It makes me angry that my client had to move after living in the same apartment for 30 years and not the neighbour but isn't that the way it always is? The rights of the criminals supercede the right of law abiding citizens. Anyway, she is safe now and that is the most important thing.

The home I am in tonight is so hot! Most elderly people keep their homes on the toasty side but this is well beyond toasty. It is 25 C in here!

My days off went so fast! Even with having a list of all the things I needed to do I didn't get everything completed. I had to reassess and put them onto next week's list. Though I love working 12-hour night shifts it can be difficult to shove everything that needs to be done into my days off. Fortunately my husband does more than his fair share around the house and my kids do very well managing on their own. They have been cooking and cleaning for many years now and don't need me to help them with tasks.

Well, my Internet connection is sketchy tonight so I am going to sign off before I get kicked off again.

You can tell I am back at work because I am not able to read blogs or post like I was before. Yesterday and today were super busy with just doing stuff that can't be done when I am working.  It is weird how quickly I lost the concept of how busy my life is when I am working. Yesterday was clean the house day, go to the library and Costco and other errands. Mondays are my transition days from working nights to days off so I don't usually get up until noon. 


Today (up at 8:00) was more clean the house and going to Costco again because I bought a pillow yesterday and wanted another one. This is supposed to help with the hot flashes. I am a bit of a pillow snob because in the past I would not hesitate spending over $100.00 on a pillow. Several years ago I had whiplash and ever since then I can't sleep on a cheap pillow. Over the years I have noticed that you can now get a decent pillow for far less than I used to pay. This one was only $35.00. For that price I was not expecting it to last but this has a 5-year warranty so I thought I would give it a try.

Did I really just spend time blogging about a pillow? *sigh* 

Do you know what pisses me off? When you put something on Craigslist or Kijiji and the person doesn't show up. This has happened to us so many times! The fuck? Have we as a people devolved? (Is that a word?)

I just finished watching The Big Wedding on Netflix and I want the last 89 minutes of my life back. How can a cast of amazing actors make such a terrible movie? Did anyone like this one?

And you know what? Our high today reached 20 C! And also I am feeling so good since I upped my antidepressant medication. I am so very grateful. 

Sometimes a bath is the most delicious thing.

It is just after 2:00 a.m. and I am at work. This post is being done on a Word document and will be cut and pasted into a blog post in the morning because I do not have Internet access.  The home I am in tonight is in an apartment building and in all the time I have been doing this job I have never felt this unnerved. The patient I am caring for is not a problem at all but the building is in a bad part of town and the neighbours have their music up so loud the walls are shaking. (Fortunately, the person I am caring for is hard of hearing and sleeping soundly.) The tenants are out in the halls yelling, screaming and fighting. One of the other occupants of the building banged on the door at about 1:00 and it was quieter for about 20 minutes and now it is loud again. Who lives this way? I have no doubt this is a drug house. There is no way I am stepping foot outside the apartment. I am a little nervous. My nerves are frayed from all the noise and fighting. I tried meditating but I just could not relax so I put on some relaxation music and that is helping.

So yes, I went back to work this week. After 4 months off because of depression I am back and actually feeling quite good! I was looking forward to being back doing what I do best. I love my job! For those who are new to my blog I do palliative care (people who are actively dying) in the community for people who want to die at home. I also do respite care, which is what I am doing tonight for people who are awaiting placement into a long term care facility. For instance the person I am caring for tonight is an elopement risk, meaning she will wander off and does not have cognition to time and place. It is nice to be back even though I am in a stressful environment.  I have to add that the new thyroid medication I am on has already made a huge difference! My mind is cleared of its fog and I am feeling more energy. I am now on 2 different thyroid medications and so grateful for them.

This week I have come to the conclusion that I have to give up coffee. I have never been a huge big coffee drinker but when I want a cup I want a cup! Caffeine give me heart palpitations and hot flashes now and it takes hours to feel normal again. It was so bad the other day I had to take an Ativan to calm down. It does appear that I can go with decaf so I can still have my coffee but…well …its decaf! Harrumphf

And you know what? The music just turned off! Oh, blessed peace and quiet. Crossing my fingers that it will stay this way. There is still shouting but that BOOM BOOM BOOM has stopped.

Addendum – I spoke too soon. The music has started up again. I should not have been so silly to think that they would have stopped and gone to bed when it is only 2:30.

Added Addendum - The music went on until 4:00. My neck and back are sore from the tension. Time for bed. 

Wednesdays are such busy days and by the end of the day I am ready for bed. I have Al Anon at 12:30 then counseling at 2:00 then a support group at 7:00. There is no way anyone can say I am not trying really hard to be well.

Today I bought a new watch. So exciting! The reason I bought it is because I spend most of my day not being in the moment. I get so carried away with everything so at times I have no awareness to how I am feeling. The watch beeps at the top of the hour as a reminder to check in with myself. How am I feeling? Anxious? Tense? Happy? Sad? Angry? Tired? Lonely? Joyful? So often I just go about my day and have no idea how I feel. The problem with that is it can lead to depression and not even knowing when or how I got there. 

Yesterday Joe mentioned that he thought I was losing weight. I was losing weight when I was on Wellbutrin. It caused me so much anxiety I was sick to my stomach all the time. Now I am on Zoloft and have an appetite but I am trying to watch what I eat but I am still not losing and have almost no energy to carry out the tasks of daily living. Even though I get the basics done I still struggle with the extras like going out with friends or for a walk. I am simply too tired. You have no idea how much I want this new medication to work. Having an thyroid that does not work is a lot of problem, especially for woman. 

The restoration company was here today and they are 99% done. All they have to do now is take away some of the old stuff that was damaged during the flood. It looks very nice downstairs now. It only took 5 weeks! (sarcasm) 

This week they have a 40% off deal at Ancestry.com so I bit the bullet and bought a year membership to Ancestry World. If you want to look further into your tree this is an excellent time to do it because a yearly membership is usually $300.00 Cdn. Check it out but do it soon because it the sale ends on the 28th. I had previously had a membership but it was only for Ancestry Canada so I am really looking forward to digging into the records of England, Germany, Austria and Ireland. 

I Really Need to Use Titles

This day just whizzed by! I was up earlier than normal because I had an appointment with my doctor only to have to just sit and wait when I got there. No mind though, he is an excellent doctor and well worth the wait. He listens to me. Today he put up my Zoloft to 75 mg and also gave me an Rx for a new thyroid medication because I should not be this tired. I am so tired of being tired. My hair falls out in handfuls, I can't lose weight no matter how little I eat and my energy is super low so no exercise. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will work but I have felt tired for so many years and have tried so many things only to be disappointed. (Yes, I am being a Negative Nellie.)

Today my kids and I went to visit my sister in her new home. They got it is a foreclosure and it was a total disaster when they bought it. It took over a month just to get rid of the garbage. They needed a huge dumpster and there is still lots of garbage on the outside of the home to be dealt with. Inside, the walls had years and years of cigarette smoke caked to every surface. My sister said they had to be stripped twice and then an oil based paint to seal it. They needed to rip the entire bathroom out as well. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done but it is such a cute little house! It is only about 1200 sq. feet and will be perfect for my sister, her husband and my 2 nieces. The yard is huge and they are at the end of a cul de sac in the middle of the country. I am happy for them because they were living in a tiny 2 bedroom mobile home. 

And because I am super tired it is time for me to go to bed. I know how it will work though. In half an hour I will be wide awake and not be able to sleep. 

Has anyone read Perfect by Rachel Joyce? I started reading it last night but it hasn't grabbed me yet and I am wondering if it is worth it to keep reading. 

We spent time in the yard yesterday. I planted a few bulbs that were given to me in a flower basket for my birthday. I also loaded bricks into a wheelbarrow and brought them to the front yard because we are going to make a raised bed. After that I cut down two shrubs that are old and dying. I am not sure what to put in the empty spaces but something with colour. 

This morning I got my haircut and I am so glad I did! It is short now, falling just above my shoulders. It is so nice to be able to run my fingers through it. I don't know why I let it get so long. It looked horrible.  Now I can get up in the morning and just brush it and tuck it behind my ears. 

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My husband and I went for a walk through the park this afternoon and pondered what we are going to put in our yard. The very back of our yard doesn't get a lot of sun and it very wet in the winter so we are thinking of sword ferns and salal. In the new front bed it gets hot but we don't want to water so we are thinking for some ornamental grasses. I love one called 'Fireworks'. Isn't it pretty?

We are definitely enjoying Spring here on this island. Though the rain will continue and we will have some cool nights it is getting a little warmer each week. Some of the trees have little buds growing. And oh, it is making me so glad.

That said, I still think my medication needs to be bumped up a little. Mornings are still really difficult with lots of anxiety. The days and nights are better but I am not getting out of bed until late morning. I know I could be feeling better. One thing I have to admit to myself that my depression really is a chemical imbalance. I am happy with who I am and the life I live. When I get depressed I don't even know why I am depressed. While counselling and support group have helped me feel less alone and taught me better ways of coping, nothing has helped like medication to keep my plunging into despair. I come by it honestly as my mother, both grandmothers and various cousins struggle with depression. Sadly, most of my cousins self-medicate with alcohol, illegal drugs or food. I know when I go into a depression the depressed me is not who I am. Yes, I struggle with life. I get overwhelmed easily and really need to watch that I practise self-care but depression is something else all together. 

That is it for today. We are having steak on the BBQ and I made fresh salsa. 

My step-dad has always been a pack rat. He is also rather...not tidy. When my mom was alive he would stack his shit treasures all over the yard until my mom would have her bi-annual conipshit and he would clean it all up. He loves to hoard. Wood, bricks, old cars, broken pieces of whatnot. Currently my dad is spending time in Lake Havasu but I needed to drop by to pick up a cord for my son's video game. It has been a while since I have been there in the daylight. There was almost an audible zzzz--zzzz-zzzz-ing as my mom spins in her grave. Holy shit was it ever a mess. I don't even know what I was looking at but I am surprised the neighbours have not complained. It was really bad. Now here is where I am going to be politically incorrect and get hate mail. 
My dad is part native. (He is 1/8 but looks 1/2 or full depending on the time of the year. In summer his skin goes very dark.) Natives in these parts sort of have a reputation for keeping yards that look like hell. No need to go to the garbage dump, just toss your shit in the front yard! Have an old couch? Put it in the driveway. Old cars? Create a parking lot! At any given time there are 5 vehicles in his yard that are in various states of disrepair. There is an old wood stove. When anyone needs a place to keep their crap my dad will "store" it for them. My mom died 2 1/2 years ago so there has been no bi-annual conipshit. My dad seems blind to the chaos as does my brother. My brother happened to be at my dad's house yesterday and I brought it up and he either didn't hear me or thought I was overreacting. I should have taken a picture to see if you all think I am overreacting but I know I'm not. I am wondering if I should take my mother's "nagnitude" (my new invented word)  and say something to my dad. 
All that said, my (step) dad is the kindest and most amazing man I know, He may be messy but when he gets to heaven his reward is going huge yard and it is going to be full of crap. 

Today I was at our small local museum and came across this replica of the boat that brought my family to the city I currently live in in 1854. My g, g, g, g, grandparents decided to pack it all up and leave England because life was getting unbearable. They were living in poverty and had heard that life was better in Canada , more specifically Vancouver Island. (It wasn't better, it was worse but that is another story for another time.) My grandmother would have spent almost the entire trip (179 days) below deck with her three children as women were not permitted on deck. She would have watched helplessly as two of her three children became sick with what old records called a "throat ailment". The youngest, a boy died and was buried at sea, a ceremony she would not be allowed to attend. The other child was my great, great, great grandmother who not only survived but went on to have 18 children and live to 87 years of age. That was old back in 1935. I can't help notice the lack of windows on this ship. I go squirrelly when I can't leave the house for 3 days because my street has not been plowed after a snow. 

And I love this. She looks so young in this picture but she was 18. The story of her family is fascinating and sad. It seems Emily's father was murdered at the age of 79 because prospectors wanted his land. That was how disputes were settled back then. Then again, that is how disputes are settled now. I have looked into how Emily died and have come up empty. She was young, only 34 so perhaps it was childbirth. It is a frustrating thing for me because I have been dabbling in history for several years now and it is rare when I can't find what I am looking for. From doing a little research I know she married but seems to disappear after that. If you want to know more about her family click here. 

And I have decided to get my hair cut. After my mom died I cut it all off. What was I thinking? After 2 1/2 years it has grown longer that I like it so I am going on Monday to get it back to shoulder length. The problem is I allow 2 people out of the 7 billion people on this planet to cut my hair and both of them quit their jobs. One of them has started school to become a nurse and the other is cutting hair in her home. Yay! But what am I going to do when she decides to stop doing hair? My hair is absurdly thick. When I was younger many stylists said it was the thickest hair they had ever seen. There are also cowlicks and if it is not cut in a certain way it sticks up. It also has a weird kink to it that no amount of flat ironing will flatten. I have been burned more than once by over zealous stylists who think they are God of Birdie's Head and try to straighten it even though I tell them it can not be straightened.  Anyway, if anyone other than the 2 of the 7 billion people cut my hair it ends up looking awful so I am doing a glad dance that there is still one person who doesn't make me cry after a haircut. 

We put up new curtains and rod today but I think they curtains are too dark. I think the curtains need to be moved into the den. Maybe tomorrow I will go buy something lighter. 

And that's it. 

Ah, yes. It is the first day of SPRING! It was a lovely day here and even felt like spring. I have daffodils and roses in vases in my front window and I can't tell you how many times I look over at them each day and just enjoy them.

I pretty much did nothing today. Isn't that what life is? Doing a lot of nothing that actually makes up something that makes up a life? Every so often a baby will be born or a couple will marry or someone dies and then we sit up and take notice. Until the, just a lot of nothing turning into days and weeks. For me, nothing is going to the library, cooking meals, driving around, eating sushi or reading a few blogs. It is watching Netflix, talking on the phone, planning, bathing, paying bills and sleeping. And hundreds of other nothings. 

Tomorrow will be another day of nothings. Taking my daughter to the ferry, buying a curtain rod, taking my son to get shoes... 

And on it goes.

We just got back from having dinner at my dad and step-mom's. This is my biological father. Mind, I am not close with my father. It was my step-dad that raised me. My biological father was/is an alcoholic (my main reason for going to Al Anon). It seems over the years my father has mellowed. It has been years since I actually saw him drunk. He still drinks but I no longer see him being the mean and abusive drunk that he was. That said, I do not know what he is like behind closed doors. His wife is an absolutely lovely woman. She has always been so sweet and kind. She is the reason we even get together as a family because she loves to entertain and have family get-togethers. Even though I am 43 and have not had an active alcoholic in my life for a long time I feel a lot of anxiety going to see him. He has no patience for people who are overweight. *I am overweight.* He is a strict atheist. No, not Agnostic. An Antheist. He has no space in his life for anything to do with a higher power and sees any form of god as a crutch. Funny thing is, alcohol is a crutch is is not? Spirituality is such a big part of my life but it is not something I can talk about in front of my father. Like with my body, I feel uneasy and insecure. 

I love my father. I really do. Years ago I gave up the expecations of what I thought he should do/not do as a father. He simply is not capable. He himself was abandoned as a child of about 4 years old when his dad left him and two younger siblings, leaving my nana as a single mom at 21. My father's father was also an alcoholic; as was his grandfather. To add fuel to the fire his father was gay and 65 years ago you just didn't come out of the closet. Homosexuality back then was simply not accepted. My father never spoke to him or saw him again until he was fatally injured on the streets of Vancouver. 

I have no idea why I am writing all this. Life is complicated and I can't begin to figure it all out. Gone are the days when I thought I knew it all. (And I was a know-it-all.) The older I get the more baffled I become. Why would a parent abandon a child? Why do we choose to make the same mistakes that our parents did, the same mistakes that caused us so much pain? I don't know. 

In other news I decided to have a coffee today and what a mistake that was. Hot flashes right away. It seems I am going to have to give up coffee. And alcohol. Alcohol gives me hot flashes as well. 

What is it with hot flashes? They went away for a few months and now they are back. I take a supplement that had been working but now it isn't. Is it normal for hot flashes to go away then come back again? It seems my life has come down to cotton. Cotton clothing, cotton bedding. I have been getting headaches as well. 

I just finished watching, What Maisie Knew on Netflix. Has anyone else seen it? When it comes to movies I am very picky. Usually I see about 2 movies a year at the theatre because so little appeals to me. When it came up as a suggestion on Netflix I thought I would try it with the expectation that I would not end up watching the whole show. It turned out that I not only watched it but didn't want it to end. 5 stars!

Last week I finished reading a book called, Yesterday in the Back Lane. Did one of you recommended it? I think it was a blogger that suggested it. Sadly, this book is out of print. I am not sure why because it was an excellent book. I am going to buy it from abebooks.com because I had to return my library copy today. 

A few weeks back I had a giveaway and sent out 2 copies of Hope for the Flowers. It was a surprise for the winners but I can tell you now. It is a book published on 1972 by an author named Trina Paulus. It is my favourite book of all time. It is absolutely beautiful in its message and simplicity. Over the years I have bought several copies and gave them away. It is another book that you can get at abebooks.com. I hope the winners have enjoyed their copies. 

Well, my back is sore and my hot tub is calling. 

The Obese Robin is Back

I am back. Bet you didn't know I was gone did you? My husband and I went away for the night. My husband got a deal on Island Daily Deals to go here. And oh, it was so nice. It is a 5-star resort with me a 2 1/2 star girl. The room had a huge jetted soaker tub which I filled up. Usually I don't fill tubs because I am always conscious of wasting water. 

Aside - The obese Robin is back and sitting in one of our trees right now. How does he stand on those legs? Every evening at about this time he (she?) flies his fat ass and sits on a sturdy branch and just sits there for about 30 minutes. I know if I move and try to get a picture he will fly away so you just have to take my word for it. This is one fat Robin.

Anyway...we went away for the night. The only problem was the room was so hot! It had heated floors which are lovely but I had to turn them off in the middle of the night. Peri-menopause and heated floors don't mix. Other than the heat everything was perfect. We went out for Thai food for dinner here. I had Gaeng Kari Gai which is a yellow curry. It was spicy, just how I like it.

We are home again and I am tired and probably should go put clean sheets on the bed and clean the bathroom. We thought the restoration company would have finished up this week but we have not heard from them. It will have been a month this week. 

The obese robin has flown and so must I. 

A Nice Day With Peeing

Do you ever try to come up with sentences that have never been written before on the internet? A sentence nobody has ever thought of before? "A Nice Day With Peeing." According to Google I am the only one who ever wrote those 5 words together before.

And you know what? It was a nice day with peeing! The UTI still continues to linger and the washroom calls every 20 minutes but it is warm and sunny outside (11 C./52 F.). My 16 year old daughter made me proud because she was just heading out the door in a low-cut shirt then went back into her bedroom to change on her own accord. I had not noticed what she was wearing but she is a sensible girl. Some of you may roll your eyes but my rule is no-cleavage or mid-rifs until she is 18. Why? Because I want her to form her personality on who she is on the inside and not on her body. Fortunately, her school has a similar dress code so she never had a chance to go behind my back and change at school.  It seems wherever I look now young girls as young as 12 showing cleavage. How about you? Do you or did you have rules in your house with regards to clothes? 

Nap. I had the most delicious one! Maybe it will be time to bring out my Outside Bed soon. Well, maybe that is wishful thinking but it is nice to think about.

Spring Break here in my part of the world. Nothing planned and I love it that way. 

OK, what about when antibiotics don't work? Remember last month when I had a UTI? Well I still have it. It never really went away and I have been so tired and dauncy. I went on amoxicillin in the beginning for February but the UTI I have in resistant to that particular antibiotic. I am not sure why my doctors office never called and told me. Instead they let me go over 5 weeks feeling like crap. Yes, I should have gone back to the doctor but lately I have been feeling like all I do is go to the doctor. I also thought the UTI had gone away and had come back so I was trying the natural route of apple cider vinegar and also drinking loads of cranberry juice. Anyway, I am on a different antibiotic and hoping this time it goes away. If it is still resistant I will have to go a urologist. And I better not get a yeast infection. I am taking a 60 billion CPU probiotic and it better work.

We almost have our downstairs back in order after the flood. Almost, not quite. The restoration company still has to put the shower back in and re-carpet the stairs but hopefully that will all be done by the end of next week.

And I think I want another cat. 

This afternoon I had my 3rd session for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is going well but I want it to go faster, which is the complete opposite of the whole point of CBT. Patience has never been one of my assets. It is something I need to always be aware of and work on. 

I rounded up my son's grade 12 class and measured them for their graduation gowns. Do you know how incredibly interesting it is to sit and just listen to a bunch of 17 and 18 year olds talk to one another when they don't know you are listening? It is one thing to have them in the car but a totally different story when you are just sitting in the corner. A couple of girls had just got back from a spare block where they had been at the mall and bought a goldfish.  They are going to "co-parent" it. (Their words, not mine.) Next week when they get some more money they are going to buy "furniture" for his home. They named the fish Gus. I can't tell you how glad that they are measured. I put the order through online this evening. It was causing me so much anxiety. I was born responsible but I don't like when that many people are relying on me to get things right and on such an important occasion. Whoever said, "Don't sweat the small stuff. PS- It is all small stuff." did not have the responsibility of making sure a graduating class got the proper graduation gowns in the right sizes/colours/styles and with the proper accessories. I am glad that particular part of it is over. It was causing me way too much stress. When I volunteered for the position I was in a better head space. Anyway, it is done and I am glad.

And oh, I love this time of the year when the clocks have changed! It is 7:15 and still light out. I want to bound and leap around in the back yard. 

"Just let your heart lead and your feet will follow, and we'll bound and leap like a gentle breeze. Bound and leap like a zephyr set free. Bound, and, of course, leap."

What did I do today? I guess it wasn't anything to get excited about but whatever needed to be done got done and not we are at the end of another day. 

OK, I did go back to bed after I dropped my son off at school. My daughter stayed home. There must be a bug in our house because 3 out of 4 of us are feeling dauncy. 

Employment Insurance is still screwing me around and I have not had any money in my bank account now for almost a month. When I phone I can't get through, just a recording saying there call volumes are high and to call back another time. I went to a their office today and it is supposed to be fast-tracked, whatever that means. They promised to fast-track before and give me an answer on the 5th. It is now that 10th. 

I did go to the library and then got a few groceries. For dinner I made some salsa that did not turn out all that great. The recipe is my step-mom's and usually delicious so I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it is just that time of the year when everything is not fresh.

My son is graduating in June and I volunteered to do the cap and gowns. I have known many of these kids since they were 5 and now I am measuring them for graduation gowns. It will be a miracle if I can get through this without crying. Crying on the day my boy graduates goes without saying but just measuring these kids for their gowns will be emotional. 

Do you know what? It was actually hot out today! I had to roll my window down in my car. The temperature hit 11 C. at one point. And no rain! The snow is all gone! Yay! In years past I have never really got all the excited about Spring. In fact, sometimes I have not cared at all because it rains here so much that we don't really have a Spring. This year I feel different. Maybe it is because I am coming out of a horribly awful depression. Whatever the reason there are flowers blooming and frogs ribbiting and there was a salamander on our front stairs last night. Spring is coming!

It ended up being a nice sunny day today so we were out in our yard and in the garden tidying up what winter left behind. Not much to clean up, just some branches and dead growth. It is so lovely outside. The crocuses are coming up and so are the bluebells. We even saw a Monarch butterfly! I couldn't believe it! Maybe the butterfly knows something we don't know and we won't get any more snow. I hope so. 

My plot to make Norbert hate the outside seems to be working. It is so beautiful today that I told him he could go outside with the understanding that there was to be no bloodshed or killing. I opened the door wide and called him but he ran down into the basement. He really is a big 12 pound baby. (Yes, he weighs 12 pounds!)

It does appear that the Zoloft is working and if I could just get past the neverending fatigue I think I would be OK. Al Anon is helping is a huge way and I don't think I would be where I am right now without the program. It helps to keep me level and to let a lot of things go. 

Today I watched a program on Netflix called "49 Up". It is a documentary series that has 14 followed children from the age of 7 then checked in on them every 7 years of their life. The concept is interesting but it seems most of the participants have not enjoyed being a part of it. What got my attention is how many British children go to boarding school. That is just about unheard of in Canada. I have a few questions for my readers over the pond. Is it an expectation to send your children away to school? If you went to boarding school did you feel it was worthwhile and why or why not. Did your experience affect your decision to send your children to boarding school? 

We Can Always Discuss the Weather

You know how I mention that it rains here a lot? Not just a lot of rain but a lot of rain a lot of the time. I just grabbed this screenshot off the weather network. The picture of the land is white but there is none to be seen! The light green is regular rain. The darker green is heavy rain. The yellow is super duper heavy rain. The yellow and pink is torrential downpour. So yes, it is raining here. And it will likely continue for the next few months.

It was a stay home kind of day. It was a nap kind of day as well but even though I tried to have a nap I couldn't sleep. 

I have been reading I am Malala - The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot. It is a very good book but not a good book for someone coming out of a depression because it is desperately sad. I am at the part just after the earthquake and I think I need to put this book on the shelf until I am in a better space emotionally. This is the reason that I do not watch the news. My brain does not process it like a normal person. Instead, my heart processes it and I get so upset. There have been many times when the news is on and I start to cry at how horrible we can be to one another. 

 I must be having PMS because I keep thinking about chocolate. Oh, yes. I just checked the calendar and I am on day 24. Time for the hot tub, chocolate and then to bed with a good book.

Today my local radio station has an all 80's weekend and this song came on and I laughed out loud. Do you remember this song my 80's friends? How can you not? This is one of the songs that epitomizes the 80's as does Dire Straits songs. (I Want my MTV!) Anyway, this song came on and I had memories of my mom and dad's friends showing up unannounced visiting and getting very upset about how disrespectful this song was. My brother, who was a drunk and a pothead at the time (he has now had over 25 years of recovery. wooot!) would antagonize them and get them all upset. Though my parents had little tolerance for disrespect they didn't really like these freeloaders friends so my brother was able to keep irritating them. And it was so funny! Have you ever seen a drunk/pothead argue with an uptight disciplinarian? I wish I could have documented it. My mom and dad met these friends when they were traveling in the U.S. This couple weighed about 800 pounds between the two of them and were named Pat and Cathy. (My brother called them Cat and Pathy just to piss them off.) My parents made friends wherever they went and my mom often exchanged addresses with the wife. My mom offhandedly told them if they were ever in the area to drop by. She never thought they actually would do it. I am not kidding, one day they just showed up with their 3 kids. I remember my mom standing at the door with this look on her face. Of course she invited them in and put on the big welcome mat because that was just the type of person she was. She didn't know that they would be staying for a week. We didn't even have a bed for them so they slept in the hide-a-bed which they broke. Their three children were freaky tow-headed children with rashes and scaly red skin. I have no doubt their son ended up in prison. He was  over the top hyperactive and had multiple allergies. My brother and I watched in horror and amusement after he had a glass of chocolate milk and began destroying things. His sisters tried to placate him but that only got him more wound up. (This makes me wonder where his parents or even my parents were at the time?) Because they were there for a week my mom and dad had to continue to go to work so Cat and Pathy glommed onto our neighbours who ended up entertaining them during the day. 

What is weird is how it was OK to let strangers into the house back then and not worry about it. I would never do that now! But yes, my mom and dad never really did much about my brother's complete lack of respect for these two. In fact, all these years later my dad laughs about it. Before my mom died I asked her whatever happened to Cat and Pathy and she didn't know. She had heard they got a divorce but other than a couple of letters she never heard from them again. 

Every once in a while my brother and I talk about Cat and Pathy and we laugh and laugh. And Twisted Sister always makes me smile.

PS  - Is this font too big? I usually use a bigger font because my eyes are not great.

Is this better? 

When I was young I would often hear my mom sigh and say where does the time go. It made no sense to me. They days seemed to stretch on forever. Now. Now the days seem to be over even before they start. Where does the time go, indeed?

I have been on a full dose of Zoloft for over a week now and it seems to be working. One of the side effects is I am so tired. Normally I am a tired person but now I am more tired than normal. Everyday I keep hoping that I will have enough energy to do more than just the basics of life but everyday I could easily sleep the day away. I do wonder if it is not the medication but the depression. I know I was not this tired when I was on Wellbutrin. Right now I just want a life. I just want to be happy. I want to look forward to things. 

We are still dealing with the flood downstairs. They were not kidding when they said it would take a month to get everything repaired. 

Norbert had bath tonight. My son gave thought he needed one so I let him do it. He said he didn't growl once. 

And that, reader was my day. 

It was pointed out to me this week that I had a spelling error in my header. I had also been thinking about changing my blog because I am no longer 40 and I am not loving it as much as I could be. Depression seems to be just to be a part of my life. With any illness we have good days and not so good days. And some days are really horrible. I am hoping I am past the really horrible for now. It is exhausting. But I have to be mindful that the Black Dog is a part of my life. I would do anything to rid myself of him forever and even though I am doing many things (medication, counseling, group therapy, Al Anon, meditation and empowering myself with knowledge) to keep him away I know that I have to be mindful that he can always come back.
Honestly, I am a better person having a Black Dog in my life because he has taught me things. I wonder who I would be if I did not have him in my life? Well, I know one thing. I would be happier! But I would not be as compassionate and understanding. I would not have the patience I have with the people I care for. If depression was not in my life I would have learned a different way of living but also a different way of thinking. Depression has taught me to listen. Depression has taught me that most people are not as they seem. Though I would not wish depression and anxiety on anyone I am taking a bad situation and making good come from it.

So come along with me on my new journey of Ditching the Black Dog!

The work in our basement since the flood is going along at a snails pace. Today it took all day to put in the base of the shower and to level the floor. I am tired of people I don't know being in my home and all the noise. And my neck is sore though that has nothing to do with the work being done. 

My Al Anon home group had a pot-luck today because they have been a group for 20 years. I didn't go because since I am not working I have only had one EI payment go through. Yes, EI is messing with me in a big way. Anyway, I did not have any money to buy something that would be suitable for a potluck so I stayed home. Oh, well. 

Did my usual Monday chores and I am really looking forward to having a hot bath and sleeping in my bed. I love my bed. 

It seems many of you watched the Oscars last night. I did not. When I watch the recap I don't even know who most of the people are. Of course I recognize Liza Minnelli, Meryl Streep and Ellen. But who is the long haired dude? And Goldie Hawn. Yipe! I almost didn't recognize her. 

Right now we have pie in the house and I want some but the scale tells me NOOOOOOOO!

I will go have a bath instead. 

cur·mud·geon

 noun \(ˌ)kər-ˈmə-jən\

: a person (especially an old man) who is easily annoyed or angered and who often complains

This is me but she has perkier breasts.
source

Though I am not an old man I am fairly certain I am a curmudgeon. I don't even know why I am cranky tonight. Sundays are usually days where I am quite content just to sit back and relax but today I just feel tired and surly. Oh, well.
The Academy Awards are on tonight and I won't be watching because I have seen two movies in the last year. Which brings me to a rant about how expensive it is to go to see a movie. What is it? $12.00 now to get in? And $318.55 for popcorn and a drink? I pretty much only watch Netflix but their movies are quite old. They only one that is not old is The Iron Lady and I am just not interested in a movie about her. I liken her to Christy Clark. That is all I am going to say about that. 
Maybe I should just go have a piece of toast and a glass of milk and go to bed. It is only 9:00 but the best place for me is away from other people. 

Even though I have been doing nothing I am tired and anxious. My medication for Zoloft went up yesterday so that is probably the reason I am tired. The anxiety? I have no idea what is causing it. If depression is a Black Dog I wonder what anxiety is? It would likely be called "looking-into-the-sun-while-spinning-in-circles-just-after-being-punched-in-the-stomach-while-being-choked".
It is snowing here again. The batch from last week had started to melt but there is still at least a foot in our yard. The sides of the roads are several feet high in most areas. As usual, the weather network has no idea how much we are going to get. Different sites say different things. One site says 25 cm (about 10 inches), the other says 5 cm. (about 2 inches). Still another site says there will only be freezing rain. Whatever it is, I have had enough. My skin is so dry! How do all of you that live in the rest of the country do it? What do you do about the dry skin?
The part of the basement that had the flood is now completely torn apart and today they started putting back together what was ripped out. It was worse than we initially thought and the floor needed to be ripped out as well. It will be nice to have everything back in place. It could have been so much worse. For that I am grateful.
It was my son's 18th birthday this week and for the first time he chose to not spend it with family. *birdie's bottom lip trembles* He went to a friend's house where her mom was having a bunch of other kids over and she made him cupcakes in the shape of a bowtie. My son loves bowties because "bowties are cool". I will send you a Canadian penny (you pay the postage) if you know where the phrase bowties are cool comes from. (No Googling!) At any rate, I keep asking how my first born got to be 18. He is an adult now. I can't say that it doesn't being some sadness. I can still feel him as he was put in my arms the first time. I can still see his two year old chubby cheeks as we played hide and go seek. My little man is not little anymore. He towers over me at close to 6-feet tall. He is such a good boy (man!). He has a gentle heart and has never given me a moment of trouble. He is sensible, caring and adaptable. He goes out of his way to be help others and the pain of others affects him deeply. Like me (also a Pisces), he can be lazy at times! He can spend the day doing nothing and be quite content with that. At the same time (as with me) we are never bored and really enjoy our own company.
Well, it is time to make some dinner. (Linda - I am making Jambalaya.) 

It seems like I was just doing a post about doing my income taxes but here I am a year later doing them again. I have a learning disability and have been assessed at about a grade three/four level in math. It is a long story with a mean teacher that used to hit me on the head with her knuckles with resulted in tears and giving up because she always asked. "Do you have rocks in your brain?" I thought I was stupid and useless so I just gave up.

All of my receipts are organized. It should be a little easier this year because I know the program now. If you are the praying type you can pray that I don't rend my clothes and throw myself into a snow bank before the process is over. 

Update - I am done, done, done! Yay! It only took about 7 hours and I have a headache and a sore neck but that is it for another year. I even did my husband's taxes while I was at it. And yippee, I am getting money back this year. It will go straight onto my overdraft but it is better than paying. 

Snow and Insurance and Dr. Phil and Confederate Flags

Well, the snow has stopped and I was finally able to get out of my driveway today. Went to the library and picked up this book. So far it looks good. I also went to the bank and the grocery store. When I got home I had to deal with a phone call that sent me into a panic attack. The lady I spoke to just had a way about her that was so professional and business like. I don't know if she is working for me or for my employer so I am trying to say as little as possible but she kept pressing me for details that had no answers. 

Meanwhile, the insurance guy was here today. The restoration company has been and ripped everything out and now we have crap everywhere. There is a toilet in the downstairs kitchen. We are lucky nobody is living there. There is also a sink and a shower in the livingroom.  The restoration company was here within 30 minutes when we called them but now they are dragging their heels. They said it will take up to a month to put everything back together. A month? *sigh*  

My daughter and I are going out on a "date night" tonight. Dinner and a movie. We used to do date nights when she was younger but now she is more interested in her friends. Last week she asked if we could go out but the weather kept us inside. There is not much playing right now but we think we are going to see Philomena. Has anyone seen it yet?

This afternoon we stopped at a local thrift store and they were selling a confederate flag. How the hell does a confederate flag end up in Canada? 

I don't watch Dr. Phil but we catch the last minute of the show when my husband turns the news on. What is it with him walking out with his wife at the end of the show? Does she just sit there and watch his show like a good little wife? It reminds me of the sister wives and it is creepy. 

It was a nice day today. The sun was out and we were walking around without a jacket or coat. I had my coat on but it was too warm. Can't complain. 



                                                                  

And it is Still Snowing

It is. It is still snowing. It is supposed to keep snowing. I have not been out in my car for 3 days because yes, I don't know how to drive in the snow. That is not exactly true. I learned to drive in the snow but I don't know how to avoid a 2000 pound vehicle coming at me. That is not exactly true either. I don't want to have to get to the point of avoiding a 2000 pound vehicle coming at me!

Fortunately, I have spring flowers that my sister dropped by for my birthday. And I don't have to go anywhere. I am needing some groceries but they can wait. And I have the birds coming to the feeder. They have brought me to much joy over the last few years.

And I always have my crystals that look pretty in the window. We also have a gas fireplace that keeps us warm and toasty. And everyone is home and I am not worrying. 

I have 2 teenagers that can be forced  are more than willing to keep the driveway clear and bring in the garbage and recycling cans. 

According to the weather network this snow is supposed to turn to rain but they have been saying that for 3 days. I feel bad for my kids because the snow started on Saturday and today was a professional day so they have not actually had a "snow day". Poor babies. 

Norbert has never seen this much snow and is really enjoying sitting in the window and wishing the death of birds. Bad cat. He is not trying to get outside. 

Update - We just received an e mail from the school. No school tomorrow. That means I can sleep in! woooot!