It seems like I was just doing a post about doing my income taxes but here I am a year later doing them again. I have a learning disability and have been assessed at about a grade three/four level in math. It is a long story with a mean teacher that used to hit me on the head with her knuckles with resulted in tears and giving up because she always asked. "Do you have rocks in your brain?" I thought I was stupid and useless so I just gave up.

All of my receipts are organized. It should be a little easier this year because I know the program now. If you are the praying type you can pray that I don't rend my clothes and throw myself into a snow bank before the process is over. 

Update - I am done, done, done! Yay! It only took about 7 hours and I have a headache and a sore neck but that is it for another year. I even did my husband's taxes while I was at it. And yippee, I am getting money back this year. It will go straight onto my overdraft but it is better than paying. 

Snow and Insurance and Dr. Phil and Confederate Flags

Well, the snow has stopped and I was finally able to get out of my driveway today. Went to the library and picked up this book. So far it looks good. I also went to the bank and the grocery store. When I got home I had to deal with a phone call that sent me into a panic attack. The lady I spoke to just had a way about her that was so professional and business like. I don't know if she is working for me or for my employer so I am trying to say as little as possible but she kept pressing me for details that had no answers. 

Meanwhile, the insurance guy was here today. The restoration company has been and ripped everything out and now we have crap everywhere. There is a toilet in the downstairs kitchen. We are lucky nobody is living there. There is also a sink and a shower in the livingroom.  The restoration company was here within 30 minutes when we called them but now they are dragging their heels. They said it will take up to a month to put everything back together. A month? *sigh*  

My daughter and I are going out on a "date night" tonight. Dinner and a movie. We used to do date nights when she was younger but now she is more interested in her friends. Last week she asked if we could go out but the weather kept us inside. There is not much playing right now but we think we are going to see Philomena. Has anyone seen it yet?

This afternoon we stopped at a local thrift store and they were selling a confederate flag. How the hell does a confederate flag end up in Canada? 

I don't watch Dr. Phil but we catch the last minute of the show when my husband turns the news on. What is it with him walking out with his wife at the end of the show? Does she just sit there and watch his show like a good little wife? It reminds me of the sister wives and it is creepy. 

It was a nice day today. The sun was out and we were walking around without a jacket or coat. I had my coat on but it was too warm. Can't complain. 



                                                                  

And it is Still Snowing

It is. It is still snowing. It is supposed to keep snowing. I have not been out in my car for 3 days because yes, I don't know how to drive in the snow. That is not exactly true. I learned to drive in the snow but I don't know how to avoid a 2000 pound vehicle coming at me. That is not exactly true either. I don't want to have to get to the point of avoiding a 2000 pound vehicle coming at me!

Fortunately, I have spring flowers that my sister dropped by for my birthday. And I don't have to go anywhere. I am needing some groceries but they can wait. And I have the birds coming to the feeder. They have brought me to much joy over the last few years.

And I always have my crystals that look pretty in the window. We also have a gas fireplace that keeps us warm and toasty. And everyone is home and I am not worrying. 

I have 2 teenagers that can be forced  are more than willing to keep the driveway clear and bring in the garbage and recycling cans. 

According to the weather network this snow is supposed to turn to rain but they have been saying that for 3 days. I feel bad for my kids because the snow started on Saturday and today was a professional day so they have not actually had a "snow day". Poor babies. 

Norbert has never seen this much snow and is really enjoying sitting in the window and wishing the death of birds. Bad cat. He is not trying to get outside. 

Update - We just received an e mail from the school. No school tomorrow. That means I can sleep in! woooot!

It is still snowing and I will be making a formal complaint to God soon. I live on and island in the west coast for a reason and one of those reasons is our lack of snow. I know I am spoiled and being a big baby compared to the rest of Canada that deals with this for months on end but complaining about the weather is what we do, isn't it?

This morbidly obese Robin was sitting in our tree for the longest time. (Sorry for the leaf in front of him. I didn't notice until after the picture was taken.) I think the birds here are also spoiled and are not used to this. When we went to the duck pond this afternoon the ducks had a "WTF?" look on their faces. I didn't even think to bring them some seed but I could tell they were expecting to eat. They all swam over when I walked up to the pond. 

In the last 15 minutes it has stopped snowing so maybe that is the last of it. Did I mention our street has not been plowed? At the moment we are stuck. Oh, well.

And that was my day. I did not watch the Canadian/Sweden hockey game because I am not crazy enough to get up at 4 a.m. Canada did alright in the Olympics this year but I did not watch any of it except a bit of women's hockey. 

Holy crap, this is boring post.

Snow and The Ungrateful Bastard

Even though I am Canadian I don't see snow all that often,  maybe for about a week in total. It usually snows then rains and the snow disappears. Today it is snowing but it is supposed to turn to rain overnight. So I will grace you with a picture before it is gone. 

If you have been reading this blog for awhile you know that my cat, Norbert (aka The Ungrateful Bastard) is not allowed outside because he is a murderer of small living things. He brings home dead mice and birds. When he brought home a hummingbird it was the last straw but he still thinks of himself as an indoor/outdoor cat. It is fun for me when it snows because I open the door and allow him to go out but he refuses. (Did I mention he is a wimp?) My hope is that he will eventually think the outside world is a terrible place to be and he will stop making a break for it every time a door opens.

There is however, still the problem with The Outside Norbert. Remember this post?

The Ungrateful Bastard has somehow managed to clone himself in some diabolical satanic ritual. How do I know? Because my husband and I went out for breakfast this morning and when we came home and Norbert was outside.  I am all, "What the fuck is Norbert doing outside? He is not allowed outside? How did he get out?" My husband told me it was not Norbert but it was.  We drove up close and this cat looked exactly like him.  He even had a huge gut and slunk around like a sneaky sonofabitch. Just like Norbert. It was Norbert. I have no doubt. Except it wasn't because when I opened the door Norbert was standing there. I will now refer this Norbert as Norbert the 1st and the other Norbert as Devil Spawn Norbert.  Norbert the 1st has managed to reproduce himself an exact replica or "clone" of himself.  I have no doubt it is part of a plan to fuck me over. Devil Spawn Norbert lives outside. Norbert the 1st lives inside. When we came home Devil Spawn Norbert was lurking in the bushes near the side of the road and when we drove up he gave me a look like he knew he had been caught. When I came inside Norbert the first tried to trick me by being all purry and nice but I know better. There is no doubt that they are now working together to kill my family. It makes me wonder how many more are out there. 

Well, the leak in the washing machine was not where the leak was. Not even close. The leak was from a pipe in the wall. We are talking water damage and mould. As I write this walls are being ripped out and plastic is being put up to protect us from the mould spores. So yes, $$$$. Insurance (I, hope) will pay for the most of it but there is always that damn deductible. Today is a day that calls for a nap. (Everyday lately has called for a nap but today I won't feel guilty about it.)

Well, the leak in the washing machine turned out to be minimal but fuck, fuck, fuck the plumber found another problem and there was water everywhere that my husband cleaned up. Now another plumber is here and he is cutting the damn wall open. Cutting the wall open cannot lead to happiness. It is not going to lead to Narnia or Wonderland. It will lead to Ashitloadofmoney. *sigh* 

Google sent me this today. I thought it was rather nice!

It is my birthday today and my sister dropped by even before I was out of bed and dropped off some nice surprises for me. Since my dad is away she also brought by a card (with ca$h!) from my him. My husband gifted me with all the things I love most, a Chapters gift card, chocolates, stationery and a journal. I also got wishes from my aunts whom I love so much. One is my favourite aunt who loves me so much but she has so many struggles in her own life that I don't see her much. One of her issues is she is morbidly obese. She has trouble walking. It breaks my heart because she has hidden herself away from the world for as long as I can remember. The world is unkind to people with weight issues. The world is unkind to anyone different. The thing is, she is the most tender hearted soul. She loves children and they love her. They love to be in her arms and be enfolded in her hugs. As Aibleen from The Help says, "Babies like fat. They like big fat legs too. That I know." My aunt has had a family daycare since the beginning of time and even though she could have retired she keeps welcoming children into her home because she loves them. Children don't judge fat.

And my husband is talking to the plumber right now!  $$$$$$$ They are talking about calling a restoration company! $$$$$$

Rice 4 x 3 = 12

I think I have been a good mom. I think I have raised them well and taught them how to be functional members of society. Evidently I failed in one area and that is how to cook rice. The picture you are looking at is a bowl of rice my  16-year old daughter made. When she asked how much she should make I said four cups. *sigh* Do you see where this is going? Instead of making four cups of cooked rice she made four cups of uncooked rice resulting in twelve cups rice. She placed it on the counter with a THUD that reverberated through the house. I have no idea how we skipped this lesson. Both my kids have been cooking meals since they were 12. How on earth did she get to be 16 and not know about dry rice/cooked rice conversion? 

The last 18 hours have been OK. Is the new medication kicking in? I sure hope so. Though I am tired I am not as tired as I was a few days ago. My head seems clearer. Anxiety is minimal. I can breath. 

Yesterday I had my first session in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The lady that is teaching me is compassionate and brilliant. Even though I cried through almost the entire session she had me laughing with pictures of her two black Labs. At Christmas she had her dogs in a kennel and when she got them back she was given two pictures of her dogs with red and green garland around their necks. They pictures are hilarious. One dog looks all proud with his finery. His sister on the other hand has a look of long-suffering on her face. That is what I love about Labs, they wear their heart on their faces. 

And what else? Our washing machine is leaking. We are going to try to fix it ourselves but likely a repairperson will be needed. The washer is only a few years old. Remember the time when you bought a washing machine and it lasted 25 years? My mom and dad had appliances like that and only got rid of them because they were Harvest Gold and my mom wanted white appliances that matched the new house that my dad built. (My sister still has those white appliances in her house!) She ended up giving the Harvest Gold to a newly married couple. And remember the times when people just gave things away to those in need instead of selling them? Anyway, our washing machine is leaking. Thankfully, it was not a lot of water and there is only some bed sheets that need to be washed at the moment. Incidentally, the above picture looks exactly like the kitchen in the house I lived in around 1976. There was a dishwasher to match. And I think the oven had glass. 

Speaking of kitchens, I need to go finish cooking supper. 

All of a sudden it is snowing. The ground is covered and it has only been snowing about 45 minutes. Maybe tomorrow will be a snow day and I won't have to take my kids to school. This mom likes snow days just as much as her kids. 

This medication is doing a number on me. It is making me so tired! Today I got up around 10:30 and just sat on the couch. I went back to bed at about 2:00 then woke up at 5:00. It would probably be a good idea to take it at bedtime. The dose is only 1/2 of what I should be taking so I hope this side effect goes away. 

My aunt came by this afternoon to drop off some birthday cards. She is 66 and a little spit-fire. If I had 1/4 of her energy I would be happy! I have no idea how she does it. She has always been this way. She runs everywhere she goes, even inside. She is always happy and will give you a dozen hugs in the space of 30 minutes. I think when she was born god put her speed on 'fast' and she has just gone fast her whole life. She is as sweet as they come. She never forgets anyone's birthday, a trait I greatly admire. The last few years I have been stockpiling birthday cards and try to remember to send them to everyone on their birthday. 

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This sure is a boring post but this is my life of late. Just staying home or going to Al Anon meetings. And sleeping. A lot of sleeping. I just want to shake this depression. It has never stayed for this long before and with this intensity. I am crying all the time. If I smile it is forced and fake. And I fear that this is how the rest of my life is going to be.

Well, that is that for another day. Time for a bath. 

My Valentine for You: An Un-Valentine

I actually forgot it was Valentine's day today. When I did remember I did not get all excited. It is just a day, right?  But it really isn't just a day, is it? It is a day that can bring up a lot of emotion. For many of us it is about feelings that were inserted into our hearts when we were young, feelings of not being pretty or good enough. Commercialism did a number on us. Even when I finally did receive the cards and flowers that Industry told me I should want I still felt like I a fraud, like I didn't deserve them.
Lately I feel like all my emotions are on high alert. Well no, that is not true. Just the "bad" emotions. Sadness, frustration, despair and loneliness.They all seem heightened. I don't like these feelings. They seem like they are going to sink me. These feelings have been going on so long now I don't even know what I feel anymore. Just numbness. It is a terrible place to be. 

But then I opened my inbox this morning I received this and I think it warrants passing on. It is from a website called Hopeful World. 

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Feel it, people.

Whatever it is that’s brewing under there. Today is the day.

So whatdya got?

Joy? Frustration? Rage?
Happiness? Hope? Bliss?

The ability to feel is one of our greatest assets but it’s also the very thing that almost immediately goes under siege when anything at all happens that jolts us out of our skin. Pain, of any kind at all, emotional, physical, psychic, completely jacks with our internal safety system. Too many days of not knowing what to do with those moments and before you know it, you’re just not aware of feeling that much anymore. You just start thinking things about how you might be feeling, but you don’t really know anymore.

I mean, at all.

Everything gets a little numb. And so, on a day, like Valentine’s Day when you are bombarded with emotion of every single artificial variety, you can just kind of go blank.

What is all the fuss about? What is going on? And all of it feels kind of silly. Or worse, maybe even a little dumb.

Let’s be real here. Valentine’s Day is totally made up. It doesn't actually mean anything, and if you don’t like it, that’s totally fine. OR if you LOVE it, like I do, and have already listened to fourteen 80′s love songs, that’s fine, too.

But what’s not fine is all the numbness and not caringness because there’s just no room to even try to feel anything you're actually feeling anymore. Not even the tiniest shred of sensation, because you really don't do that anymore. Because most of the time, all any of us end up doing whatever is we think we're supposed to be doing and just going through the motions.

I’d like to propose three things this Valentine’s Day.
1. How you feel matters.

2. You deserve to know what that feeling is exactly.

3. You're really going to be okay if you actually feel it. I swear. I promise.

I say all this as someone who says “It’s fine” at least five time a day, during the times especially, when something in particular is NOT fine.

I say this as someone who has inconvenient feelings at times, like the rush of love when everyone else is being measured and calm.

I say this as someone who has locked many a door and cried in the bathroom because crying at the dinner table would have been so strange and impossible to explain.

I say this as someone who feels bored and listless and numb until I realize it’s really something more like disappointed, hopeless or grief.

Today, I invite you on this day of demand when you are required to feel so many feelings, to simply and honestly, feel your own. The ones that are truly there, not the ones everyone else wants you to have. And if this is tricky for you, as it sometimes is for me, I recommend lying down on your bed or getting comfortable in a chair and going over your whole body in your mind, like you would with a newborn baby, and asking each part what it’s feeling right now, and wait, yes wait, for the honest, inevitable answer.

Will you try it?

With a heart full of joy and gratitude for you,

Jen

What I Did Today 

I did not do anything today.

The end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, that was my day. I can't believe how tired I am. Thankfully I was able to sleep or be in bed a good part of the day. I am not sure if it is going off the old medication, starting a new one or this cold but I could barely keep my eyes open. This is fatigue like I experienced when my children were born. Just making some soup for myself took every bit of energy I had and then I was too tired to eat all of it. 

There is absolutely nothing new. The snow has melted and the weather has been nice. Too nice. Isn't that silly? But it has been and if this continues we will not have enough water to keep us going through the summer. Oh, well. Each day will take care of itself. 

I do believe an Epsom salts bath is calling my name. An Epsom salts bath with lavender. And candles. Then bed. 

From the package insert for Zoloft, the new medication I start today.

This medication may improve your mood, sleep, appetite, and energy level and may help restore your interest in daily living. It may decrease fear, anxiety, unwanted thoughts, and the number of panic attacks...

All I can say is I hope so. 

It's back. The fucking anxiety that rules my life. That anxiety that rapes my spirit and takes everything from me. I hate it. I have tears falling like a waterfall. I just want it to be gone. Anxiety is something I dealt with as a little girl. I remember sitting on the couch and fear would come over me. I could not move. I was paralyzed with terror. Anxiety kept me pinned for hours. During that time I would wet my pants then sit there in shame. Bedwetting was another thing that anxiety lorded over me. I would wake up in the dark and I could not move. I can't explain what the fear was. Just a generalized fear that something bad was going to happen. Often is was fear that someone was in the house. Sometimes not. Do you know how shameful it is to wet the bed at 14? 16? 19? Is this demon a result of my biological father's abuse? He was awful to say the least. I remember hiding when he came home from work. When he was home on weekends I spent it as far away from him as I could because when he got angry I would suffer physical abuse that I still can't talk about today. The sound of a man taking off a belt sends me into panic. 40 years later and I can't hear that sound without feeling doom.
In the end, anxiety has kept me from living a life. Sometimes it lightens and I can cope. Other times it holds me down with its teeth around my neck. That is when it gets hard to breath. That is when my heart races and I feel so sick to my stomach that I will go days without eating for days. (I am down over 20 pounds since the beginning of December.)  Maybe this is my curse. Maybe it is karma and I did something either in this life or a previous life and this is my lesson to be learned. I mean, dear god. This is not normal. 
It seems lately I just live for  the days when anxiety lifts and I can get some things done. I do know that it is getting worse and my hope that this new medication (Zoloft) will take the edge off. 
I want this gone from me. 

My Day 

I got up. Stayted awake for about an hour. Went back to bed. Slept for 3. Got up. Had a bath. Wrote this post. Now I am going back to bed. 

~~~~~~

This is a nasty bug. Everyone in the house has it. I was going to go to a meeting last night but I forgot that it was even Saturday night. And when I remembered that it was Saturday the meeting had ended. So that was that. 

It is a long weekend here in British Columbia. Family Day. It is a new holiday. For me it means sleeping in, which I never get to do because of my job and my kids school schedules. Sleeping in is nice once in a while.

A little anxiety today. I am starting to think that anxiety perpetuates anxiety. 

That's it. I never even got out of my pyjamas all weekend. It is now time for bed. 

Day 3 without anxiety. Still no explanation. It is not a med issue because the anxiety left before I started weaning off the current medication. Most of you said not to question it but I do because I want to know what is different so I can keep doing it or not doing it, whatever the case may be.

I am in bed with a cold today. I could be on the couch with a cold but it is so warm and comfy in my bed. I know me though and in about an hour I wont be able to handle it for a second longer and will get up and go do something. I get antsy when I lay in bed for too long. Until then I have my Kleenex (with a garbage bag for used ones, I won't be one of those people who hoard used tissues), cough drops and Gatorade. And I have Netflix! What more could a sniffling, sneezing, coughing, stuffy-headed, congested woman want? Besides Nyquil?

Giveaway Winners

I know I said I was going to do my giveaway draw yesterday and you probably think I forgot. Well, you would be right! I did. I had my mind on going back to work. I did remember later in the day but I was in bed because I work the night shift. Anyway... I did the draw today and the winners are Kim and Lily Cedar. So you two, e mail me your address.  What I am going to be sending both of you is a book that was published in 1972 but I won't say anymore until you receive your prize. 

I do want to thank all of you for all your love and support. 

Explain this...

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This is a big WTF? This morning I woke up and the anxiety is gone. Like someone came in the night and turned off the switch. Though I am getting a cold I feel clear headed. My heart is not racing. My hands are not shaking. I don't feel like I am choking. I can take a deep breath. I don't feel the need to cry. The only thing I did differently was taking an antihistamine so maybe I found a fucking miracle cure that may cause millions of people to be anxiety free. Maybe it was saying the Serenity Prayer seventy times a day?  Seriously. WTF?

I can't take one more day of this anxiety so I made a doctor's appointment today to see if it would be a good idea to get off my current medication (Wellbutrin) and try something else. The anxiety I am dealing with is the worst I have ever dealt with. There comes a point where I have to realize it isn't just me (though some of it is) but the medication. The doctor said that Wellbutrin actually causes anxiety. Nice. So maybe it is the medication that makes me feel like I can't take a breath without panic. Unfortunately, I have to wean off the Wellbutrin so it will be a while before I can find out what the problem is. 

Al Anon today. (And I did end up going last night.) Yes, I am going to meetings almost every day. It is the only way I can get through the days that seem like weeks. When I am at a meeting I am not alone. Feeling not alone is a big deal. I think that is why so many of us blog. 

I am going back to work tomorrow. And get this. I have to believe my Higher Power is at work. I do not have to sit on front of the board to explain why I feel like I am ready to go back to work. Why not? I have no idea! I just got a call to discuss how I would be going back and what was expected and not expected of me.  It was that simple. The only possible explanation is it a God/Universe thing.

Tonight I am trying yet another group counseling session to deal with anger and depression. I don't really want to go because I am so tired and it is at night. Driving at night is not one of my favourite things. But, maybe it will help. I will keep you posted on this one.

Today I need to get to an Al Anon meeting but the only one is tonight at 7:30 and I am so tired I don't trust myself to drive. Anxiety today was high. I feel so trapped. Yes, trapped. The panic an animal might feel when she is locked in a cage. Panic, terror, sadness. I have not been eating much and barely ate 1/4 of my dinner. Since the beginning of December I have lost 20 pounds. God knows, I can stand to lose about 50 but this is not the way to go about it. Honestly, I don't even feel happy about losing the weight. I don't know. This too shall pass. But when? 

Today was so busy and yet I did not go anywhere. I am going to be going back to work and to do that, as I have mentioned, have to sit in front of a board and tell them why I feel like I should be going back. My nurse leader is a nice enough lady but it is like talking to a fucking robot. She just asks clinical questions but doesn't really listen to the answers unless they are either answered in black or white. At this point I think that it is actually not time to go back. Maybe I will feel differently after I am back. Maybe it will be good for me. 

Everyone in our house is fighting a cold. I am taking Cold Fx. It does work but I think this is a particularly nasty bug. 

I forgot to mention that it snowed here a couple days ago. There was no snow in the forecast so it was a surprise to see it falling from the sky. It is supposed to get down to well below freezing tonight. Can`t really complain though. It was a nice sunny day. 

And that is it for now.

Wait, no it's not. One last gripe. If I have to create on more online account and remember one more password I am going to have a melt down. It is all too much! 

And is it just me or are the word verifications getting more and more difficult to decipher? There are so many times when I just give up trying to leave a comment because it should not take 4 tries to leave a comment.

LORDE - Royals

Top 40 music has never really been a favourite of mine but this song grabs you and takes you in. The dichotomy of the singer's clear sweet voice (she is 17, incidentally) and the base of the drum is amazing. And the message that this songs gives is perfect. Just perfect.

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh
I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies
And I'm not proud of my address,
In the torn-up town, no post code envy

But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody's like crystal, Maybach, diamonds on your time piece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash.
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair.

And we'll never be royals (royals).
It don't run in our blood,
That kind of lux just ain't for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.

I wish, oh how I wish I could explain anxiety. I can say that it is different that a panic attack though the words are used interchangeably. A panic attack comes on you and eventually goes away. They can happen several times a day but they do go away for a time. Anxiety is a mean old bitch. Anxiety stays with you. The symptoms are the same as a panic attack but stay with you for days, week or months at a time. It drains you of almost everything good in life. For me, I get so tired that I can't cope. My stomach almost never lets go of the knot. I shake constantly. Sometimes it is noticeable and other times not at all but I can feel the tremor inside of me. Anxiety makes me feel a sense of doom. My particular sense of doom is that I have grieved God and He is going to send me to hell for eternity.

Lately, the only time the anxiety disappears is when I am at Al Anon. Why? Because most of the people at Al Anon are just like me. How it is possible that I could find even one person that is insane as I am is beyond me. Finding a roomful of people is something else all together. I am learning I can share everything with these people and when I do it is a room of bobble heads because they understand. And to add to that, nobody offers advice, criticizes or gossips. It is what I wish church was like. No leaders. Just a room of equals who gather together to share their common problems. You don't need an active alcoholic in your life; I don't. The only requirement is that you have been affected by someone else's drinking. And I have. So yes, the anxiety lifts when I enter the Al Anon rooms. I am told that the times of anxiety will get further and further apart. I have to trust that that is true. 

And enter my draw if you haven't yet. 

I am having a giveaway to celebrate blogging for 10 years!  Yes, 10 years! I have had different blogs that fit with that time of my life but my first post was February 6, 2004. For the giveaway I want to keep it to people who actually read my blog and we have interacted some way. So let me know if you want to enter. What I am giving away is a surprise but it is a book that I just love and makes me happy whenever I read it. And right now I can say I wish I could send something to all of you lovelies. Draw will be on February 6th in the morning. 

After 3 years Blogger has finally fixed a glitch that has been frustrating me since I opened this blog. It is not a glitch that affected everyone but as I read the help section there were a fair amount of us. The problem was not being able to manage my blogroll. I was not able to delete anyone off even if they has not posted in a year, had closed their blog or I just lost interest. I had about 400 blogs listed! Yesterday I was finally able to resolve the problem. The problem now is I am afraid I have may have deleted someone accidentally and not noticed. This is possible because I did delete some blogs but caught my mistake and added them back. Anyway, I have finally added a blogroll down the side there. If you are not on it let me know because not only will you not be on my sidebar I will miss reading your posts. So let me know so I can fix it. If I love you I want you there.

So that is it for tonight. I am sleeping in my daughter's bed tonight because my husband is sick and he and I are not exactly getting along. I decided I needed some space.

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Don't forget my giveaway. And you can only enter once! Cheater, cheater pumpkin eaters! 


I am having a giveaway to celebrate blogging for 10 years!  Yes, 10 years! I have had different blogs that fit with that time of my life but my first post was February 6, 2004. For the giveaway I want to keep it to people who actually read my blog and we have interacted some way. So let me know if you want to enter. What I am giving away is a surprise but it is a book that I just love and makes me happy whenever I read it. And right now I can say I wish I could send something to all of you lovelies. Draw will be on February 6th in the morning. 

So far I only have two people signed up for my giveaway. At this rate I will be able to give all two of you a gift. Or the rest of you can enter. And I am not trying to get your address to stalk you. Unless it is all part of a 10-year plan to get an address and create chaos in someone's life. Don't worry, I have enough chaos in my own life. I can not longer manage to create chaos in more than one life. 

And... I am having a giveaway to celebrate blogging for 10 years!  Yes, 10 years! I have had different blogs that fit with that time of my life but my first post was February 6, 2004. For the giveaway I want to keep it to people who actually read my blog and we have interacted some way. So let me know if you want to enter. What I am giving away is a surprise but it is a book that I just love and makes me happy whenever I read it. And right now I can say I wish I could send something to all of you lovelies. Draw will be on February 6th in the morning. 

I had some thoughts over the last few days. One of them is how ill-equipped I am to deal with life. I was born into an alcoholic home and learned to keep quiet, to not make waves and never ever make the alcoholic mad. It was a lesson of walking on eggshells. It didn't matter what my personality was, I just learned that it was wrong and it made the alcoholic angry. So, I suppressed it. While growing up, long after the alcoholic left I kept doing what I had been doing. Pleasing. Keeping quiet. Don't make people angry. It was all I knew. You would think after 42 years that I would have learned to cope better and in some ways I have. You can't go 42 years and not learn at least something. But there are definitely some traits that are just as strong today as they were when I was a 3 year old girl. Don't make people mad. Go out of your way to please. Never, ever give up trying to please, even if it makes you sick. And fear. Fear has followed me my whole life. My first memories, even before I had words were that of fear, terror really. Terror upon terror. Add all those traits together and you get me. Depressed. Anxious (always anxious) and full of fear. Throw in any amount of dysfunction and I lose it. I just do not have the tools that emotionally stable people have. If I get into a situation where there is a lot of stress and anger I become the woman I hate. She screams and yells and interrupts. She panics. Oh, god does she panic. My coping tools are busted and are of no use. 

That brings me to now. I need to go and find out coping mechanisms that will serve me better. But it is not easy. My personality traits are woven into the tapestry that makes me. The highly sensitive pleaser makes me awesome in my job. In the case of my job it is not so much that I want to please but to make the people I care for to be in the best place they can in their last stages of living. It brings me joy to know I made a difference in someones life while they were coming to the end.

But that desire to make someone comfortable doesn't really serve me in my everyday life. And yet, that is all I want. I want everyone to be happy. And so it goes, all the way back the that 3-year old child.

I am told that there is no fast way out of this. It will be a lifetime learning, a practice. I need to accept that it is OK to screw up. It is not OK to scream and yell and interrupt but I am human and those are the defects of character I have taken on. I will always have to be aware of them and work at doing things differently. (At this point I have no idea what that looks like.)

Going to Al Anon helps. So far I have cried at every meeting. When I am around others who are just like me I can see the sun peeking out just a little bit. That sun is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe it wont but it is Progress not Perfection. I am making progress. I am.

And... I am having a giveaway to celebrate blogging for 10 years!  Yes, 10 years! I have had different blogs that fit with that time of my life but my first post was February 6, 2004. For the giveaway I want to keep it to people who actually read my blog and we have interacted some way. So let me know if you want to enter. What I am giving away is a surprise but it is a book that I just love and makes me happy whenever I read it. And right now I can say I wish I could send something to all of you lovelies. Draw will be on February 6th in the morning. 

I knew when I started peeing every 45 seconds that something was amiss. Now I have a damn urinary tract infection. harrumpf

Today has been so busy. Running around to appointments and just doing stuff that make up a life. Tomorrow is clear of all obligations. That is good.

Today I picked up a DVD at the library that will supposedly teach me how to crochet. I found some crochet stuff in some of my mom's old stuff so I thought I would give it a try (again). I tried crocheting last year and could not figure out how to get past the first row. Incidentally, my mom never crocheted so it is a mystery what she was up to with the supplies. Likely hoping to learn. 

Last night we went to my dad's for his 65th birthday. It was just a small party with his kids and partners and grandkids. Before we left I was having an awful panic attack and feeling generally unwell. (Hence, the UTI.) I did manage to go but didn't have as much fun as I normally would have. It doesn't help when you have to use the toilet 10 times an hour. 

Tonight I have a counseling appointment. They are usually during the day but this was the only space available. All I really want to do is get into my pyjamas. 

And that is it. That is my day. 

You know how you can be going along, dragging yourself if need be. Then all of a sudden you fall back about 28 steps. That was my last two days. I am depressed, tired, overwhelmed and anxious.I was getting ready to go back to work and then I found out I have to sit in front of a board and explain why I think I should be able to go back to work. Isn't a note from my physician enough? Just thinking about this damn meeting has put me in a tailspin. 

Then this afternoon my car battery died. I asked three different people for a jump (I carry cables) and they none of them would do it! WTF? I have never refused anyone a jump before. It is just one of those things you do for people. It takes a couple of minutes. Anyway, I had to call a tow truck and the tow truck guy came out and jumped my car. $42.00 later. I would like to know where I was when the memo was handed out that humans are no longer giving each other a jump when their car battery dies.

And there are all these other things going on and I just feel horrible and sad. Not sad. Depressed. Like all the work has been for nothing. The last two months I have done every single thing that was suggested for me to do and then some. Though I no longer want to die I am not feeling any happiness or joy. It feels like I am just waiting around to decided what to do next. Live or die. 

I am just so tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I don't just feel it, I know it. I don't process life like other people do. Everybody is figuring out things better and faster than I am. People seem to be happy. Most days are a struggle for me. I don't remember the last time I was really happy. My kids bring me tremendous joy but I am talking about being happy. I fucking hate feeling depressed and anxious. I can say from the bottom of my heart that I am doing everything I can to not play the victim here. I really don't want to feel this way. If I want attention I have other better ways of getting it. In fact, I want so little attention that nobody outside my family knows what is going on with the exception of my doctor and counselor. I don't even share everything with my husband. I am nothing more than a millstone around his neck. Even on my blog I don't say half of what I feel. The last thing I want is attention or for people to feel sorry for me. 

Many of you are asking about why you can no longer get to the 'older' posts section of my blog. I have actually just turned the feature off. With all the things that have gone on with me during the last two months I was concerned that someone in my non-blog life would find my blog. Because the things that have gone on are extremely personal I just want to keep my life to one post. For those of you that keep up with my blog, you know what has gone on. For those that haven't, I don't have it in me to re-visit it. Not right now anyway. The last two months have been the worst months of my life and I have had to do everything in my power to make it through. I think if anyone really wanted to know what was going on they could look it up through their blog feed. Yes, it would take a while but it is there. And for those of you that have been with me the last two months, I thank you from the bottom of my depressed and anxious heart!

My dad turns 65 tomorrow. (He is actually my step-dad.) I clearly remember the day he showed up to take my mom on their first date. He was so handsome in his brown three-piece suit! He had long black hair and a beard. I would learn later that women would swoon over him. Instead of knocking on the door and introducing himself to my mom, he got on my brother's skateboard and was riding it down the driveway and up a ramp! ha! How can he be 65? At any rate he is still the man riding the skateboard.

Today was a sucky anxiety day. I am working on a gradual return to work and my employer is making me feel like a damn criminal. I have to sit in front of a board and tell them why I think I am ready to come back. Welcome full force, stigma of depression! This would never happen if I was recovering from any other illness. I could understand this if I was a danger to others but that is not the case. I am frustrated because my employers is big on saying that want to get rid of the stigma but it is all talk. That said, I do understand that there should be concerns but my doctor's note should be sufficient.

And as my mom would say...Anyway, that is all. Time for bed!

My husband likes to watch the City Council meetings on T.V. I freaking hate it. It's a damn old boys club. And they are men who like to hear themselves talk. And talk and talk and talk. Did any of them ever hear of inflecting tone into their voices? Evidently not because it is straight monotone.

Anyway.. my mom used to use that word a lot. Anyway. She could talk the hind leg off a mule and could easily move from one subject to another by using the word, anyway.

However, anyway I have not done much the last few days. Anxiety is a drag. I did manage to go to Al Anon today and even went out for coffee with someone afterwards. That is a miracle for me. 

Ok, I need to go. I can't handle on more second of the City Council Monotoners. 

Bill W., founder of Alcoholics Anonymous died 43 years ago today. A man most horrible when he was drinking. A man most amazing when he finally stopped. When he finally found recovery he and Dr. Bob started to talk to each other about being drunks and they found that it helped them to stay sober. Since then there have been numerous groups that have used the 12 Steps to aid recovery. Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Co-dependents Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous. And my group. The group that has made me realize my own insanity was not uncommon. Al Anon.

My biological father drinks. A lot. My brother is celebrating 25 years sober. (whooot!) But it has nothing to do with them. It has to do with me and my own shortcomings and defects of character. When you read the story of Lois W. (Bill's wife) you wonder why and how she stayed. She firmly believed that her love for Bill would be enough to stop him from drinking. She stayed with the chaos while he lost jobs and had nowhere to live. She stayed with him through all the crazy things that a drunk brings to their lives and the lives of others. She kept believing that her love would be enough even though he would spend their last dime on alcohol. After Bill stopped drinking she thought she would be happy. She wasn't. She was miserable. Why? Because Lois was just as sick as her husband. Her codependency was her problem. She started talking to the spouses of alcoholics and she in turn found that it helped her to realize she had just as many problems as her husband. Talking to others helped to keep her on track. It helped her deal with her own sickness.

And so it continues today. 

"The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery."

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home

And yet another day passes. Like beads on a string with no knot at the end.

Today was OK. Just OK. The beginning of the day was an emotionally grey day. Depression and anxiety sat beside me on the couch. Actually, I think they were sitting on my lap. But no matter, I went to see my counselor and felt better after. She mentioned that I should get my adrenals checked so I came home and looked up information. It seems I am showing all the signs of adrenal fatigue except for one. Though I don't need a checklist to know that my adrenals are shot. Having a breakdown like I did pretty much tells me my adrenals are screwed. There is a reason why I am constantly feeling on edge and can't seem to break the cycle. The problem is from what I read it takes two years to start to feel better on the recommended diet. Two years? I am not looking for a quick fix but two years? *sigh* I guess I should go to my Naturopath and find out more about it.

Oh, I did have chocolate the other night. I needed no encouragement! I just may even have more tonight. 

That's all I have for today. Holding out hope that tomorrow will be a little better than today. 

It was a day. A day with low lower anxiety. Whooot! I don't know if it is the anti-anxiety medication or it was just an easier day but I did OK today. Don't get me wrong, the day did not start well. It started with a call from the people that offer the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy group and finding out I likely won't be able to go because it is on Friday. I work on Friday. I have been waiting since mid-December for this group and thinking I was going to have a space in this group is one of the things that has got me to this point. When the lady told me it was Friday and not offered any other day I started to cry. The lady was just so kind and offered to have me in on a one-on-one to help me. It was not exactly what I wanted because in this case I think a group would really be beneficial. After I got off the phone I was still upset, really upset. It is a huge drag to be depressed. It is like when you have the flu and just want to feel better. But there is nothing you can do to make it go away faster. You just have to get on the pot and shit and shit and shit. 

Anyway, I did go to Al Anon today and it was as usual a great meeting. Not only that, it was right across the street from somewhere else I needed to go to today. Normally I would have had to go to our hellish downtown and parallel park. First, there are never any spots so you have to drive around the block about 10 times until you find someone pulling out. Since my Al Anon group is held in a church I was able to park there (for free!) and just run across the street and drop off the documents that I needed to drop off. Isn't it a silly thing that something so small can make such a huge difference? 

Right now I am watching My Cat From Hell on Netflix. Norbert is like Jesus compared to these demon spawns. Holy crap! 

And I Want Chocolate

What is it with me lately? I have accomplished next to nothing the last few weeks. Static. That is what I am. Static. When I was little (before the advent of cable T.V.) we had an aerial that you had to go outside and turn to get the one of the three channels that were available. (Does anyone else remember doing this?) My mom would get all freaked out if it was raining because she was convinced lightening was going to strike and dead me. At any rate, I feel like that. Going nowhere, doing nothing. I need someone to come and spin me so maybe I can actually do something. 

And I want chocolate. 

It was an anxiety free day with the new medication but it makes me tired! This afternoon I had to go to an orientation meeting and I was sitting at the table with my head in my hand trying to keep my head up. 

And I want chocolate. 

My daughter is making me giggle because she is outside in our shed teaching herself to play the trombone. She is playing Old McDonald Had a Farm (E-I-E-I-O). She is actually doing really well considering she just got it a week ago! She definitely has a talent for music (which did not come from me) because she is also currently teaching herself guitar. Even though she rolls her eyes at me if I just look like I am going to say something to her I have to say she is an awesome kid. She is not like me. She is anything but static.

And I want chocolate. 

So that is it. I finally got the latest issue of Spirituality and Health magazine and I am going to go read it. 

And I want chocolate. 

(I use brackets too often.) 

And I want chocolate.