It's back. The fucking anxiety that rules my life. That anxiety that rapes my spirit and takes everything from me. I hate it. I have tears falling like a waterfall. I just want it to be gone. Anxiety is something I dealt with as a little girl. I remember sitting on the couch and fear would come over me. I could not move. I was paralyzed with terror. Anxiety kept me pinned for hours. During that time I would wet my pants then sit there in shame. Bedwetting was another thing that anxiety lorded over me. I would wake up in the dark and I could not move. I can't explain what the fear was. Just a generalized fear that something bad was going to happen. Often is was fear that someone was in the house. Sometimes not. Do you know how shameful it is to wet the bed at 14? 16? 19? Is this demon a result of my biological father's abuse? He was awful to say the least. I remember hiding when he came home from work. When he was home on weekends I spent it as far away from him as I could because when he got angry I would suffer physical abuse that I still can't talk about today. The sound of a man taking off a belt sends me into panic. 40 years later and I can't hear that sound without feeling doom.
In the end, anxiety has kept me from living a life. Sometimes it lightens and I can cope. Other times it holds me down with its teeth around my neck. That is when it gets hard to breath. That is when my heart races and I feel so sick to my stomach that I will go days without eating for days. (I am down over 20 pounds since the beginning of December.)  Maybe this is my curse. Maybe it is karma and I did something either in this life or a previous life and this is my lesson to be learned. I mean, dear god. This is not normal. 
It seems lately I just live for  the days when anxiety lifts and I can get some things done. I do know that it is getting worse and my hope that this new medication (Zoloft) will take the edge off. 
I want this gone from me.