And We Are Off!

I got off work this morning and tomorrow morning we are going on vacation!  We will be in Alberta, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec.  Make sure you tune in as I will be taking you along with me.  There will be pictures!  All sorts of fun is planned.  We are starting in Alberta then on to Kitchener/Waterloo for Oktoberfest! I intend to drink a lot of beer and get drunk as that is on my Bucket List.  From there it is on to Montreal and Quebec City.  There will be poutine involved. We have plans for something extra fun on the 11th so stay tuned for that too.  A lot of our trip will be on the train!  Yay!!!!

1946 - 2011

A year.  You were with me for over 40 and now it has been a year since you left.  I miss you every day.  It is not any easier.  My god mom, I miss you.  I miss you so much.  I miss your hands and yet when I look down at my own hands I see them.  When I look into the mirror I see your eyes shining back at me. 

How did you do it all those years?  I sure would love to ask you.  It is a question that I never considered until now.  You just did it.  You loved all of us and kept us together.  Loving was your gift to give while you were on this planet and I have no doubt that thousands of people‘s lives were better because of you.  I count it one of my biggest blessings that I was able to be your daughter.

I am not 100% sure where you are right now but I know that I take you with me every single day.  Your love sustains me.  Your memory keeps me moving.  And now I need to stand up and take your place as the family matriarch, a job I feel so inept to do.  But, you taught me well and it is a job that I can do because anything good in me is because of you. 

Bonjour! Je ne parle pas francais!

And because of that I am having a difficult time with booking parts of our trip in Montréal and Québec City. However, I am totally pumped because it is going to be so much fun!  We are planning to go to the Old City and Chinatown as well as Basilique Notre-Dame de Montréal.  I love cemeteries and can`t wait to see some of the oldest ones in Canada.  For anyone that has been to Québec, do you have any recommendations? 

We went to see "Hope Springs" tonight.  Isn't Meryl Streep a brilliant actor?  I don't usually get excited about a particular actor but she is so entertaining to watch.  Kathy Bates, too.

OK, you all know I am into geneology, right?  This month my province came up with the best geneology site I have ever seen!  Check out this and this.  These are the death certificates of my great, great, great, great grandparents.  How cool is that? And this is the birth certificate of my great grandfather. And here is the marriage certificate for my grandfather and his first wife.  If you look at the very top you will see that the marriage was dissolved in 1954.  It proves what my mom suspected all along.  She was born out of wed-lock in 1946 and her father was still married to another woman.  No big deal but my mom's mother was always so judgemental of anyone that divorced.  Very hypocritical considering she was living with a married man and had two children with him.  My grandma never considered my step-sister one of her grandchildren when my mom married my step-dad. At Christmas all the grandchildren got a present and she wouldn't get anything for her. It makes me angry that all along she had her own dirty little secret.  It all comes down to "Thou doth protest too much".   She made my mom's life miserable after my mom finally got the courage to leave and divorce my biological father that beat the shit out of her.  She did not offer any support. Anyway, I can let it go as she is dead and she was always a good grandma to me.  Good thing we were connected by blood. 

What dirty little secrets were in your family? 

Things I Love That Other People 'Don't Like'

Crows and Seagulls- The are both intelligent creatures with a strong will to survive.  Crows are especially devoted to family and amazingly intelligent.

McDonald's - I love their fries.  Oh, yes.  I do!

The Royal Family - This one is the fault of my grade 6 teacher who loved the Royal family.  She brought the video of Charles and Diana's wedding and went all nutty when William was born.  When they came to my city she took the whole class to see them.  I have loved them ever since.  Even though I think the monarchy should be a thing of the past I still love seeing the queen and her frocks.  The same goes for William, Harry and Kate.  Camilla? Not so much.

Rain - I live in a rain forest so I better love it.  After 9 months of rain I get a little weary of it but I am always glad to see and hear again come October.

Red Lights - Sometimes it is just nice to sit and not think for a few moments.

Being Alone - I have always been an introvert and when I spend time alone I like it.

Snakes and Spiders - Love them!  

Getting a mammogram - With breast cancer in my family it is nice to get my mammogram and know that I don't have cancer or if I ever do get it that I will have caught it early. 

Filling Out Forms- The love of this one came about when working at a job where I applied for medical equipment for disadvantaged people.  It was important that every thing was perfect or it would be returned so I made a game of it. Now when I receive a form I am happy to fill it out! 

Crocs - OK, I don't own them any more but when I did I found them so comfortable!  Ugly?  Yes!  But I could wear them all day at work and my feet would not get sore.  

Things I Hate That Other People Love

Ok, break is over.  I was going to be off longer but in the past when I take a blogging break I never come back. 

My topic tonight is things that I hate don't like (there is 'don't like less offensive?) that other people love.  

1.  Parades - Standing for hours to have someone come along and stand in front of me and I end up not seeing a thing.  The parades where I live are painful and boring.  All it consists of is a bunch of city alderman driving by in cars that have advertising on them. There are also businesses in their cars advertising.  Boring.  And the weather is usually way too hot or raining.  (I am going to give one more parade a try when I go to Oktoberfest.  I bought seats in the grandstand so I will be able to see. After that parade I may be able to add parades to things I like.)

2. Julia Roberts - She lost me back in Pretty Woman.  It pissed me off that we were giving young women a message that prostitution was in some way glamorous and not degrading. It pissed me off even more that we are still feeding women the crap that women need to be rescued. I do not think she is a talented actress.  Every movie she has that fucking huge mouth with that loud obnoxious laugh. 

3. Black Licorice - Is there any worse taste on the face of the planet?  I think not.  A few years back one of my bosses gave me candy with black licorice flavouring and I almost fainted.  Yes. I hate it that much.  I spit it out and she gave me a look like I had sacrificed a kitten.  

4 .Make-up - I have had problems with acne since I was a teenager and that is the reason I don't use it but I actually hate it.  When I wear any make-up I feel like a freak.  I can't stand the feeling of my face being coated.  Mascara makes my eyes feel heavy.  Lipstick makes me feel like I have had my lips injected. Even powder and foundation annoy me. Hate it. I won't go into the safety issue and the crap that is in it that gets absorbed into your skin.  

5. Reality T.V. Shows - I know.  Watching Reality T.V. is what normal people do but I can't get past the fact that we are encouraging bad behaviour such as lying, cheating and bullying.  (Celebrity Gossip can be lumped into this because it is just more encouragement of idolizing people exhibiting bad behaviour.) 

6. Pumpkin Pie- As I age I realize that I am not alone on this one but pumpkin pie is in my opinion almost as bad as black licorice.  It is so thick and it bites your tongue back.  Awful stuff.  Maybe it became popular the year when there was an apple famine and they still wanted pie but that is no reason to keep eating it.  

7. Facebook and Twitter- I don't care that you are driving your kids to school and I don't give a shit that you played Farmville today.  And I am not in the least bit interested that you "became a fan" of Crest toothpaste.  I am not interested in reading about the trivial daily minutiae of your life. My own life is boring enough.  And who the hell has 726 friends?  I call bullshit. My guess is if you met 3/4 of those people on the street you would not be able to say hello to them by name.  As I have said before, I think social media is keeping us out of touch with each other, not in touch.  

8. Hockey - I have mentioned this before so I will not elaborate.  Apparently I am going to Canadian hell for hating this but I would rather go to Canadian hell than watch this pathetic waste of time.  How the fuck does Nashville have a team?  Seriously? Nashville? When I was growing up getting into the NHL was a major accomplishment. Now there are way too many teams and it has become a watered-down cash cow. 

9. Shopping - I can't wrap my head around spending hours in a mall with the crowds, loud noises and the smell of the food court. And the amount of money people put out to buy shit that was made in a third world country because it has a certain label is beyond me. 

10. Music Recorded in the last 20 years - OK, I love Adele and Susan Boyle because they actually have talent.  The rest of the music is i-tuned shit. 

What do you hate that other people love? 

Addendum - I also hate fabric softener.  I do not like my clothes and towels etc to feel all coated in oil and reeking to high heaven.  That smell that it emits is not not "morning fresh", it is a noxious smell created in a lab, likely carcinogenic. Pass also the smells in laundry soap, dish soap, hand soap... 

Looking over my last few posts I see I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for things to say.  My body is tired, my spirit is weary and my soul is in need of refreshing.  I need a break from posting.  Will be back when I am ready.  xo

Well, here goes another Sunday.  I have been up for almost 24 hours.  Coffee is who we need to thank for that.  Yes, who.  Not, what.  Today my geneology site is open and I can add whomever I want for free so I am adding people like a wild thing before the free weekend ends. Today I think I found out the names of my great grandparents but the details are a little sketchy.  B.C. archives are incredible but this time I need to find information from Saskatchewan but I am not able to find anything because there are no archives in Saskatchewan. 

I have a very old aunt.  She is at least 162 years old. She keeps telling me she is going to send a whole bunch of information to me about my family but then she forgets. Bless her forgetful little heart but I could really use the information she has because it is the information that is still protected under the FIPA.  And maybe she is not 162 but she is close to 100.  I just sent her another e mail again but I worry because she could be dead now for all I know.  I told her in the e mail that she is likely going to be tits-up before long and someone will go through her things and throw out all the information she has for me.  I told her to get off your bony Depends-covered ass and grab hold of your walker and take your knurled fingers and stuff the shit in an envelope and mail it to me, godnamit!    God, I am like a Basset hound on a smell with this geneology.  OK, I didn't say any of those things because she is a sweet, kind woman that is just about perfect.  All I asked is for the spelling of a name and I think I could figure out the rest from there.  She will probably not even check her e mail but after this I won't ask anymore because I don't want to make her feel bad.  Also, my mom will come back from the grave because she loved her aunt and they were good friends.  My mom will give me the look and say, "B@rbara" all disappointed-like and I am not about to piss off my mom.  Update-  the e mail I sent came back as undeliverable so maybe she really did die. *gulp* 

In other exciting news I washed the outside windows today.  My love and I also went downtown for breakfast and then browsed around a second-hand bookstore.  There is this really cool lady that works there that looks just like Madeline except she has black hair and she has a nose.  We started talking one day and now when I go in she knows my name which makes me feel glad and happy and all warm and fuzzy inside.  

So that is it for today.  It feels good to be back and I am going to bask in every second of its wonderfulness.  Tomorrow I am going to write a post about this really freaking creepy facility I go to that is either haunted or has some bad energy floating around.  There will be pictures so you can decide if it is creepy or is it just me. Until then, I will satisfy your need for creepiness by giving you this link for this video which scared me so bad I could not sleep the first time I watched it.  Nothing is going to jump out at you as I hate when people do that.  Just watch.  It is fucked up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJkP2C8Bg6Y

The Ungrateful Bastard

Norbert made it on "Shame Your Pet"!

http://shameyourpet.com/2012/09/01/the-ungrateful-bastard/

and don't forget to check out the rest of the site. 

He is Gone!

The Black Dog jumped off the cliff and I am so grateful!   (See post below.) Last night after crying and feeling empty something shifted and the burden began to lift.  I am not sure why the shift because today had promised to be a very stressful day but I got through it and got through it most awesomely I might add.  A co-worker has been harassing me for about 4 months now to the point that I was not wanting to go to certain work sites. She is one of those mean people that walks around with a scowl and numerous other co-workers don't like her and have noticed the way she treats me.  Being passive I let it go and let it go.  Long story short, we both got called in to the office today and all I did was stand strong and told the truth.  At the end of the hour long meeting she was reprimanded for her behaviour and was cited for workplace bullying.  I left feeling so relieved!  But it was before all that happened that a peace came over me.  Somewhere inside me strong Birdie must have grabbed the Black Dog by the throat. 

Tonight I am so, so tired but not tired in a way that no sleep will ever cure.  It is a tired of weeks of being in a funk.  An, "I can breathe again" tired.  Frick it feels good.
One last thing.  The other day I mentioned that I was going to plant a tree in my yard in memory of my mom. Yesterday my fiancé told me he is going to buy the tree and also purchase a bench to sit beside the tree so I have a place to go and feel close to my mom. That is why I love him so much.  Yep, we drive each other nutty but I don't know how I would go through life without him. 

I know I have posted this picture before but I love it.
Right now it is on my desktop. 

Sometimes I think I don't sleep.  There are snippets here and there but it seems these days I am awake more than I should be.  However, at the moment I am quite clear-headed and that is a good thing because it doesn't happen often. 

This grief, this sadness, this depression and anxiety is growing old. Did you know that other than my fiancé, my blog friends are the only people who really know how I am feeling? Strange thing, that.  You are people who have become a part of me and are helping me through the shittiest time of my life.  I am glad for you. There is a scripture in the Bible that says I thank my God every time I remember you. And I do. 

As I sit here, not sleeping, clear-headed for the moment I am trying to figure some things out.  First, why are so many of us depressed? Why are so many of us dealing with anxiety?  Is it because people in general are anxious and depressed or is our common bond bringing us together?  I must admit, when I read a blog where the writer is all fucking happy and shit I end up passing them by. Maybe I gravitate to you because I know you know the days of being curled in a ball and wondering what the point is and how how we are going to get up and do it again. Maybe you gravitate to me for the same reasons. You sure as hell aren't reading for my gut-splitting posts.  

I am also trying desperately to be well and get better. My mom's dying and death was perhaps a catalyst.  I don't know.  Actually, I do.  When she lay dying and even the time before, everything I thought to be true was thrown away.  Things I would have staked my life on slipped through my fingers like vapour. So now, I am rebuilding but I have no idea where to start.  And it is terrifying. Tonight I started researching panic and anxiety and I kept getting drawn to Mindfulness.  Mindfulness and depression teaches the opposite of what we have been told.  Instead of running away from depression and anxiety it teaches us to embrace it. I am not really sure what that means so I will be looking into it some more and let you know how it goes.  If you know, please enlighten me.  I just know at this point I really can't take this any more.  Tonight is the first time in a while where I am feeling like the the Black Dog is not going to win.  I am really uneasy about what tomorrow brings because lately he has been showing up every damn day but it is so nice to come up for air.  Maybe at the end of the day we can get through this together. 

This is funny.

http://shameyourpet.com/

I am Unslept

Is that even possible?  Can a person be unslept?  It is coming up as a spelling error so I guess it is grammatically incorrect.  However, I don't care because I am unslept. Earlier tonight I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open so I had a quick soak in the hot tub and put myself to bed.  It was a sleep of dreams. Trying to figure out filing systems of palliative patients.  Wanting to help but not able to find any information at all on their life.  In the dream I am trying to call my nurse leader but my cell phone is soaking wet and the screen is blurred and I can't find her number in my contacts list. I turn on lights and they go off again and I have to feel my way down the hall. The dream goes on to getting a call for someone that needs care but I can't find their home.  After I woke up I couldn't fall back to sleep so I turned on my computer and read some blogs.  I also went downstairs and drank the last of the orange juice and put the jug back in the fridge to get back at my kids for doing the same thing to me. ha ha. 

I was just looking over at my "Followers" list and it says 124. That is not possible.  I think there are people that say they are following you just so you will follow them.  So, who really is reading this blog?  Please say hello if you haven't before!

There is a certain way the light shines on my carpet and reflects on my counter tops that reminds me of this time last year.  I stare at the light and wonder if it holds a portal to another time. Last year on this day I drove in an ambulance that took my mom to Palliative care.  But the memory of the way the light hits my carpet and counter-tops makes my breath heavy and brings along a melancholy mood. I try to turn of different lights to to chase away the shadows that remind.  It doesn't work. The day she went into Palliative care she was so decisive.  She had a list of things she wanted to bring.  Pillow. Pink robe.  Purple blanket.  Glasses. Toothbrush.  There are not a lot of things you need to take with you to die.  Near the end the glasses gave her headaches and brushing her teeth made her tired.  The robe hung in the back of the door as a mockery that she would no longer be getting out of bed.  I ended up taking it home. Then, the blanket was tossed aside.  Too heavy and it hurt her frail body.  So it was just her pillow that saw her through to the end.  Her pillow. 

Many of you have mentioned doing something to remember and honour my mom.  At the end of September I am going to plant a pink Dogwood tree.  Dogwoods are British Columbia's provincial flower and my mom's favourite.  Dogwoods come in yellow and pink and I have decided on a pink one. Pretty, don't you think? 

Geez, I didn't mean to make this such a sombre post but the light tonight.  It forced itself upon me and made me remember.  

Screw you, Blogger!

Last week I posted my issue of attempting to update my Reading List.  If this goes on much longer I am going to turn into the She-Hulk.  I keep getting this message and have been for about 6 months now. 

" We are unable to load your Friend Connect data at this time. We apologise for the inconvenience. Please try again shortly."  

 Sometimes I think my life is "The Truman Show" and everyone is laughing at me and setting me up with things they know will piss me off.  Like right now. I am updating my son's computer and it has been installing update 50 of 83 for over half an hour now.  It is no wonder so many of us are depressed and don't want to get out of bed. It is enough that we have to deal with real shit but then First World Problems send us over the edge.  You just wait.  The day I go completely insane will be because of something minor like not being able to figure out the new channel line-up.  Why do they have to keep mixing them up?  A few months back my cable provider did this.

Channel 2 became channel 44
Channel 44 became channel 43
Channel 43 became channel 2

What the fuck, anyway? Then they made channel 44 (previously channel 2) channel 96.  For the love of god!  

On to better things...

We have booked the train and will travelling in October to Ontario and Quebec.  We are also going to OKTOBERFEST! Eeeee! Drinking beer at Oktoberfest is on my Bucket List.  After that we are going to Montreal and Quebec City.  I am so pumped!  

Do you know what?  I still have a cold.  That has been a month now.  Do you remember when we were little and you had a cold?  You took one day off of school.  Maybe two if you were on your death bed.  These days viruses kick us to the curb for weeks or even months.  What is up with that?  Maybe it is an issue of not getting rid of the first cold then getting another one.  But it is August!  I shouldn't complain because there is bigger shit to bitch about like my son's computer is still installing update 50 of 83!  

I just decided, other than being green I wouldn't mind turning into the She Hulk.  She is smokin' hot.  

Down a Rabbit Hole

My G, G, G, G, G Grandmother

Geneology!  Ag!  Last week I received and e mail from my first cousin once removed.  (My dad's cousin.) He and I are the geneology buffs of the family.  He more so than I because he is retired and has more time than I do.  Between the two of us we have traced very far back. With some branches we have gone back to 32 great grandparents which is pretty meaningless because it is just a name.  If anyone has spent any time looking up ancestors you will know finding people in the last 100 years is the hardest because of the Freedom of Information and Privacy Act.  Once someone has been dead a good long while you can find anything without going too crazy in the process.  You will go crazy but it is not like looking for recent relative. 

In his e mail he was asking me if I knew where my great grandparents were married.  We know their full names, their date of birth and date of death and the birth dates of their parents and children but a marriage record so far does not exist!  It is hidden under the FIPA.  But maybe it isn't hidden because it would be around 100 years ago that they married. The problem could be a spelling issue.  That happened a LOT back them.  Anyway, here I am after 11:40 at night trying to find anything and finding nothing.  What drives us geneology people?  It is that nugget that you will find after months or years of searching.  You want to cry because it is so exciting!  I remember the first time I found a picture of my great, great, great, great, great grandmother.  I stared at it for hours.  It is now in my home and I look at her often.  I bet she would have been glad to know that I think of her.  In a way, I feel her love.  Grandparents love so easily!  Maybe one day my great, great, great, great, great granddaughter will read these words and think of me. If you are she, I am not as nutty as you think.  Depression and anxiety have probably been cured.  At least I hope so.  And I do love you because you are part of me.

Oh, last night I bought some super charged B vitamins for stress.  I am hoping they will calm me a little.  Or a lot! Maybe by this time next month I will have an Ashram in my home and people will be in awe at how calm I am.   Hahahahahahhaha!  Not bloody likely! 

I Have Nothing Interesting To Say

Really, I have nothing to say. I am feeling a little better but I am still struggling.  At this point I have no idea if it is grief, peri-menopause or that damn black dog of depression.  Maybe it is a bit of all three.  Probably is. Whatever the reason it is exhausting and I just want it to go away.  

Tomorrow, my mom will have been gone 11 months.  How can that be?  There are no words to describe how hard it is or how much I miss her.  Everyone says to give it at least a year and I am here to tell you that a year is not enough.  All I can say is it is different.  Quite honestly, my heart breaks a little more every day. 

Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

Well, here I am.  Home in my house.  I spent the day cleaning, changing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom and puttering. I have to be very aware of not over-doing but that is almost impossible. The rest over the last 5 days did me good and it was nice to just go away. The staff in crisis housing were so nice. No judgement and they accepted me for who I am and where I was at.  
My dad just called and he is back home.  I gave him a wee reprimand for leaving and not telling me that he was going away. 

My fiancé and I are thinking about planning a trip to Montreal this fall.  Doesn't that sound like fun?  We are thinking of taking the train to see the changing of the leaves. It has been a while since we have been away and I think we really need this time to reconnect and spend time rekindling the love and passion that has been squelched these last years.  His mom and sister's death.  My mom's death.  Moving in together and learning all sorts of things about each other.  There was a time when we were ga-ga over each other and madly in love and we need to find that again.  We are still in love but it has been so long since we were just together.

The sun is going down and I am going to sit in my hot tub then go to sleep in my own bed.  Getting away was nice but there is nothing sweeter than sleeping in my own bed beside the man I love. 

Tired but OK

I am still in crisis housing but I am going home tomorrow.  I am still so tired but feeling like I am able to manage my life a little better than a few days ago.  As it always is with me, I wait until it gets to be too much.  I think back on the last couple of months and see that a breakdown was coming.  My mom is gone forever and my (step) dad is on the planet but I am never see him.  He promised me that last time I saw him that he would at least give me a a phone call if he was to leave town but he didn't.  Instead I had to go by his house and found my drunken drug addicted uncle there with some man I don't even know.  My dad is gone and some man is in my mom's house using her things and sleeping in her bed.  The house is wide open because both men are too drunk to think of locking the windows and doors.  To me, it feels like the house is being desecrated and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  

What happened to my family?  I used to see my family all the time.  My brother, sister and I (with our kids) would all turn up at my mom and dad's house on the weekend and have dinner.  We roasted marshmallows and hot dogs over a fire.  We walked to the beach and went swimming.  We were so close.  Out of all the people I knew, my family was the closest.  People used to look at us in awe and wondered how we did it. The day my mom died it all changed.  My dad is now a stranger.  And I can't even go inside my mom's home because the drunk is there.  I can't say anything to my dad because he thinks the sun rises and sets on his brother (my uncle).  The real fucking clincher is that I can't even go the cabin that my mom and dad were building because the drunken uncle's children are there.  (6 children from 4 different women.)  They are also addicts and drunks.  My uncle is letting one of his ex-wives stay there.  And does my dad do anything about it? No!  The cabin was supposed to be for my mom and dad and us kids.  Ya, right.  The old saying, "my mom would roll over in her grave". One of the saddest things is my kids are asking me why they never see Papa anymore. My daughter told me the other day she feels abandoned.  What am I supposed to say to that? 

I have tried to be patient but I have had enough.  The next time I can get into the house I am going in and taking anything that is my mom's because knowing my uncle's past, it will be destroyed. The realization is coming to me that maybe my step-dad just wants to move on with his life. It hurts just as much as losing my mom but it has been almost a year.  I miss my family.  The one thing that I counted on has failed.  

Anyway,  I am not sure where all this came from because I was only going to say hello and thank you for all the comments and you got some verbal diarrhea instead.  I usually try to respond to all your comments but I am just to tired right now.  So instead, I will say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I love you all. 

I am off to bed. 

Running Away From Home

I have never done this before.  Well, I did when I was little and my mom coaxed me home with strawberry Quik.  Today I ran away from home. 
It all started this morning when I decided to take some proactive steps to try to get my life on track. First I went to the health food store and got a supplement to see if that helps until I can see my gynecologist. Through my employer I am able to get counselling so I called to set some things set up. I spoke with an intake counsellor for about 30 minutes.  After the call ended I was feeling better but nervous.  Anyway, I took the steps she suggested and it ended up blowing up in my face. I lost it.  I ended up going to the walk-in crises counselling because I couldn't stop crying.  When  I got there some suggestions were made and the nurse wanted me to be admitted to crisis housing where I can relax and get my thoughts together. (A nut house?)  This particular place is for people who need time to figure things out.  The nurse on duty said I was obviously suffering from exhaustion.  However, there are no beds tonight so I have to wait.  She is going to call me tonight to make sure I am not going to harm myself. (I won't.)  I made some phone calls and I am now at a home where I am safe until I can be admitted. I am so tired right now.  It is hot and I need to sleep.  So tired. So weary.  

Today I don't feel like jumping off the side of a cliff.  And I don't have the desire to break anything.  I rested in bed a good part of the day and read.  My throat is sore and I have lost my voice.  My family is rejoicing in that!  It makes me realize the value of silence because quite frankly I never shut up.  Which reminds me of a funny story.  A couple of years back I took a course at the university.  The first part of the 6-month long course was a communications and personality profiling course and we were given a piece of cardboard to write our name.  On my card I wrote my name and that my personality colour is blue.  (Blue's love to talk and I am no exception.)  Anyway, knowing my propensity to talk I wrote on the back of the card "Zip It!".  I wrote it as a reminder to shut the hell up.  A few days into the course we started talking about blue's and how they love to talk.  I decided to show the class my "zip it" sign and told them how I was dying and couldn't handle not talking for one more minute.  I let them know for every story I had told there were about 10 more that I decided to keep to myself.  I kept my "zip it" sign up for the rest of the term, long after everyone knew my name.  Incidentally, at the end of the course my instructor told me I was the bluest blue she had every met in all the years of teaching.  If you are interested in personality colours you can look them over here.  Which one are you? 
Well, I am going to watch a re-run of Modern Family then go to bed.  

But What if I Really am Going Crazy?

Still sick here.  Went to the doctor this afternoon and he gave me an Rx for antibiotics.  I had a low-grade fever so I thought I should go.  Bah.  I have lost 6 pounds in 2 days.

So, many of you have told me stories of thinking you were going crazy when you were in perimenopause.  I am being serious because I am scared that I really am going crazy.  Every day I get up and I wish I could just cover my head for this stage of my life, maybe forever.  My family is driving me nuts.  My fiancé is mad at me all the time.  My daughter only speaks to me when she wants something.  My son sleeps all day.  And I feel like I have to manage all of it.  Yesterday and today I was so sick and still I had to get up and clean the house and make sure everything gets done.  There are mouldy dishes in the sink and I am crying over them.  Laundry is stacked to the ceiling and it makes me want to jump off a cliff. And there is so much more going on that I can't even talk about here.  Life has stopped having any meaning.  Today, someone I know asked me how my mom was doing and I just looked at her.  My mom died almost a year ago!  But I have to be polite because people miss this sort of stuff and I know she wasn't meaning to be hurtful but it did hurt. 
And I don't give a shit about dust under the bed and fleas and who is going to be the next president or the weather or my kid's schooling or fucking anything.  Every day is fucking awful and I don't have it in me to care.  And I don't want to go back to my doctor and go on more anti-depressants or hormones or told that I am normal because normal people don't cry because of the heat or because their cat has fleas. Normal people don't walk through the grocery store with their head down to hide the tears. Normal people have real life friends and don't just have blog friends.  Normal women can get up in the morning and spend time with their kids. I don't even want to see my dad any more because his broken heart is just one more thing I have no fucking control over.  I resent and at times hate my brother and sister for how quickly they have moved on.  And I hate the elephant in the room that we won't talk about when we are together.  What has become of my family? We used to be so close until cancer raped our family and left us decimated. Today I went to the recycling depot and I wanted to smash all my glass as hard as I could.  But no.  I gently put it where it is supposed to go because that is what normal people do. While doing that I knocked over a container of lids and I had to bend down and pick them up out of the mud.  Tears flooding my eyes. 
So, this isn't normal is it?  I am going crazy.  Or i have already gone crazy?  No matter because I just don't give a shit.  I don't care at all.  Except I do and that is what makes it so fucking hard.  

Later that night - After I wrote this I cried for about 2 hours.  It really was a crappy day.  Being sick and having someone ask how my mom is and life in general got to be too much today. I look back on the last 3 posts and see that my downfall was coming.  Anyway, something is not right on the hormonal front.  I am actually am seeing my gynecologist next week so I will mention my craziness to her. (You can all vouch for me, right? *insert laughter here*)  In Canada, gynecolgists are specialists and since I am going back to see her regarding this, I think it will be a good time to mention it. I am off to my blessed outside bed.  My daughter is sleeping with me tonight and I am glad for the company. 

The worst part of being sick is how my tolerance for everything goes down.  It is one of those days where I hate everything.  My laptop is too hot and making me cranky.  I can hear two clocks ticking and they are annoying.  A fridge hums and that is pissing me off.  It would be so nice to just be sleeping outside right now in my outside bed!  

To add to my crankiness I am becoming a cranky blogger.  (The word blogger is underlined as a spelling error and that annoys me as well.)  There is a blog I read and the person has never once reciprocated a comment.  Maybe I swear too much. Whatever the reason, she has never even said hello.  I would delete her off my list if I knew how. 

Here is my next gripe. I love watching the Olympics, I do. As a parent of a child that competes I know well the thousands of hours and dedication is takes to make it.  But these people are not fucking heroes and I wish we would stop treating them as such.  It is the whole "Swifter, higher, stronger".  It goes against my beliefs of slowing down, being quiet and admitting that I am weak and need help. Bah, I don't know.  Real heroes are people like my (step) dad that married my mom even though she was poor.  He raised me and my brother as his own children.  Real heroes are parents of children who are unwell and care for them year after year and have to deal with unimaginable circumstances.  Heroes are people who live quiet lives and continue on without fanfare or adoration. 

I am going to hit publish now as I am just making myself more cranky. 

I do have a question to women who are in peri-menopause or have reached menopause.  My wonderful doctor thinks I am in peri-menopause but I am in denial.  My question is this.  Did you just have hot flashes or were you hot all the time and had hot flashes that made you even hotter? 

The Problem With Having Children

The problem with having children is they make you sick.  My son is recovering but now I am sick. My throat hurts and I am short of breath.  All I want to do is sleep and eat chicken noodle soup. There is a good chance my head is in a vice but I can't be sure.  

For a laugh go here.   Does anyone else remember Martin Short and his bit on synchronized swimming?  He was a wearing a life jacket.  "I am not that strong of a swimmer."  Ha! If you have no idea what I am talking about you can watch the classic clip here. 

And speaking of things that make me laugh here are some of my favourite Sesame Street clips.  Back in the good old days.

This one makes me realize why so many in my generation suffer from depression.  It is just sad. 

Does anyone remember The Ladybug Picnic?  This was my favourite when I was little. 

I sang to this to my kids when they were little.  I still do sometimes. And I do the actions! 

I sing this one to my kids too. 

And as a commenter said, I remember the list 35 years later.

And who created this?  No doubt drugs were involved. 
However, I get lost all the time and use his piece of advice to find my way home. 

Don't blame me if you have this little ditty in your head all day.  It is adorable. But correct me if I am wrong but I think that is The Ungrateful Bastard. 

Ok, that is all.  

Being a Grown-up

Today I had to go to my dad's lawyer and sign a bunch of stuff that makes me executor of his will, his power of attorney and the person who will make all the decisions about his health if he can no longer do so.  Nobody ever told me that being a grown-up would be such a drag.  I don't want all this responsibility and yet, that is the way it works isn't it?  

I really need something happy to post.  Hmm...let me see...
Today I saw my nieces!  Both as cute as all git out.  My youngest niece turned one in June and for some reason she really likes me.  (Probably because I give her back tickles.)  Last month she started walking and she was following me all over today and if I didn't pick her up she made that baby, eh eh eh noise.  How could I resist?
  
It is 11:32 and I could eat the kitchen counter right now if I added some seasoning.  Seriously, I am ravenous!  Not really sure why as I made home-made spaghetti sauce with home-made (not made by me) pasta tonight.  It was delicious and I felt satisfied after I ate it.  After dinner we went for a walk but it wasn't long enough to make me hungry.  

My boy is feeling a little better.  Last night he just kept coughing and I was thinking at one point that I was going to take him to the hospital.  Then I remembered when my kids were babies and had croup and always made what I thought was a miraculous recovery by the time I go them to the hospital.  It was later I found out that the cool night air was the reason and not a miracle at all. So I sent my son outside and his coughing settled enough so that he could sleep.  Tonight my kids are at their dad's and I am wondering if he remembered to take his antibiotics and if he ended up doing his own eye drops.  I really shouldn't worry as he was born responsible and grown up.   

Well, I am going to see what kind of healthy choice I can find in my fridge.  Cherries?  Blueberries?  Mozzarella cheese? Did you know that Mozzarella cheese made with skim milk has less fat and calories that other cheeses?  Well now you do so go have some. 

A Post Before Bed

Why am I so tired today?  Tired and weepy is not a good combination.

There is an asshole mosquito buzzing me right now.  Not for long, I will kill him. 

My son is sick.  He has an infection in his chest and both eyes and is on antibiotics.  He is 16 and asked me yesterday how people put in eye drops when they don't have a mom.  The funny thing is, I put in a lot of eye drops in at work but when I put my son's drops in my hands shake.  Weird.

Today I dug up 3, 384, 926 dandelions.  Give or take. Then my fiancé and I went out for a late lunch to a place that makes the most delicious sandwiches but they were sold out. *sigh*  We ended up going somewhere else and I got a wrap.  

I need to make things clear about my fiancé and me.  He really is an amazing man.  For obvious reasons the last year has been very, very difficult and I am not an easy person to live with at times.  We are very different emotionally.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and cry at the drop of a hat.  He is very guarded with his emotions and the only time I have ever seen him cry was when my mom was dying and my dad was holding her.  Mr. Birdie is my rock and because this is our first year of living together we have a lot of things we need to work out.  He is very organized and tidy and I am not.  He likes to think things through and I just go with how I am feeling in the moment.  I say I love you to everyone I love all the time and he doesn't say at as often because he thinks it becomes rote. One of our biggest problems us he is an early bird and I am a night owl.  Anyway, I love him so much.  There is no way I would have got through my mom dying without him.  He is the only person, besides my mom and dad that understands me.  Actually, he understands me better.  At times I think I exasperated my mom because of how sensitive I am.  She was an extrovert and had hundreds of friends and am an introvert that is very happy with my own company.  My mom used to get upset that I didn't have a lot of girlfriends and worried that I did not enjoy going out like she did.  Mr. Birdie is also an introvert but not as much as I am. He knows I need my quiet time and need to nap.  He is a good man.  Maybe he could be more sensitive to my moods but maybe I need to be less sensitive and quit reading into everything he says and does.
  
That damn mosquito is still trying to sting me.
  
Tonight the Ungrateful Bastard actually came and sat on my lap for a few minutes.  He took off when he the cat crunchies came out but I still have to give him credit where credit is due. He is still 99.9% evil.  But that is why I love him. 

I did not weigh in yesterday at TOPS so I am going to go weigh myself right now.  Be right back.... Crap.  I am up.  Oh, well.  I am still so proud of myself because I have been eating well.  My Waterloo is Doritos and I have not had them in over a month.  And fries.  Oh, lovely French fries!  And I have to admit that I love McDonald's chicken McNuggets but don't tell anyone. 

Anyway, my son is coughing up a lung, the poor lamb so I am going to see if I can do something to make him feel better.  Even though he towers over me he is still my baby and he needs his mom.

I still have not killed the mosquito. 

My Outside Bed!

Well, today is better.  I did cancel the barbeque.  I was crying so hard I could barely breathe so I figured it would be best to just reschedule. After I got up I had something to eat then puttered around a bit then went back to bed and slept like the dead in my outside bed. 

Work was very stressful yesterday. One thing I learned in college is nurses are the only ones who eat there own young and oh boy, it this true.  Some of the women I work with make me wonder why they became nurses in the first place.  Mean and uncaring.  They outright admit that they are in it for the money.  It is too bad because others are there because they love what they do.  I bet everyone has at least one story about a nurse that was uncaring.  The saddest part is nurses who are mean to people who are in a vulnerable place.  

We got a new deep freeze today!  Yay!  I have wanted a deep freeze for so long. When I was pregnant with my son (he is 16) I was given a second-hand deep freeze. Being a nesting mama I quickly made dozens of meals and filled it up in anticipation for the time after my son was born.  The day I came home from the hospital I went to retrieve two meals and found everything rotting.  They second-hand freezer was broken.  To make matters worse, when I got rid of it, it leaked rusty water all over my carpet.  Well now I now have a brand new shiny freezer that has been given high consumer ratings.  (Don't you love that you can check things out before you buy them?)  Today I filled it with some stuff that I found on sale!  I have even named it. "The Yeti."

My dad came by today and I felt so sad for him when he talked about my mom.  He misses her so much. To told me that he can't seem to get the moment she died out of his head.  This whole thing makes me wonder why two people so in love have to be separated.  My dad is so young still, only 63 and he is a widower.  He adored my mom.  When she was diagnosed until the moment she died he was by her side loving her.  I remember him cutting up her food when she was too weak to do it herself.  He fed her when she could not bring a fork to her mouth.  He cleaned her up when she had diahrrea and could not make it to the bathroom.  We see what Hollywood's version of love is and we wait for that to come along when it is nothing more than fiction.  Real love does not have background music.  Real love is holding a bucket for someone who has vomited 45 days in a row.

There is no weigh in tonight as it is a long weekend here in B.C., Canada.  I am eating a big ass ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery right now.  meh.  It is so good though!  

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick

H.A.L.T.S - I learned in Al Anon that if I am feeling those things I need to HALT.  I need to look into myself and try to right whatever is wrong.  I don't recall ever being all 5.  I just got off work and because I failed to plan I did not bring proper food to work last night so I am HUNGRY.  My fiance and I are arguing yet again.  Last night I called him from work to tell him that I loved his and he said, "Okay". I have apologized and tried to right the wrong but he is still not speaking to me. I am ANGRY with my co-workers who have been working together for a long time and have formed a clique. I am TIRED because I did not get enough sleep yesterday and won't be able to go to bed until 9:00 tonight as (stupid me) planned a barbecue for my family.  Because of all the stress I am SICK and have diarrhea.   And more than anything I am LONELY.  I am so lonely for my mom.  When everything used to go to hell I would call my mom.  Some days I think I will die from the loneliness.  As i type this my shirt is covered in tears that bring no comfort.  When she died my sky disappeared.  If you woke up tomorrow and the sky was gone is the only way to describe how unreal and surreal it feels.   How can the sky just disappear?  How can it be gone?  It is implausible.  

Anyway, I am crying so hard and have nothing else to say.  Maybe I should just cancel the stupid BBQ.

See my little girl on my ticker above this post?  She is now working to lose 21 more pounds.  I spoke to my doctor and he thought my goal of losing 50 pounds was way too much for a woman my age.  My doctor is so awesome.  I especially like him because he is also trained as a Naturopath and Reiki healer and does not believe in pushing medication.  He also believes in the body's ability to heal itself through diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle changes. After I spoke with him we decided that getting to the weight I was when I was 20 was not a good idea.  He feels that women that are very thin can start to look old and haggard and wrinkles show up more.  Also, having a little extra weight will help prevent Osteoporosis. So, this makes me feel a little less overwhelmed.  I was wondering how I was ever going to lose 50 pounds!

Well here i am at the blood donar clinic. I wont be using punctuation or spell check. The guy beside me keeps shaking his leg. STOP!!!!!!!! OK, He is gone now. Those of you that know me know about my fear and hatred for giving blood and yet here i am. My turn is next so ihavr to go. Mommy !!!!!

That One Pound Sounds Nice Now!

1/4 of a pound.  4 ounces. .113 of a kilogram.  That is all I am down this week.  Bah.  I will say I am feeling great.  Even though I am not even down five pounds yet my clothes are just a teeny bit looser.  Today I rode my bike to the office and home then to my TOPS meeting then home.  Both times I loathed peddling uphill and loved coasting downhill.  Everyday this week I tracked my food.  Everyday I ate lots of fruits and vegetables and whole grains so I am proud of myself.  When I spoke to a dietician this week I felt a lot better about the direction I am going.  Even if I do not lose 50 pounds in one year I am heading in the right direction by choosing healthier foods.  Let's face it, there are a lot of people out there that weigh a healthy weight but are not at all healthy.  The goal for me is to stop eating mindlessly and to control emotional eating.  I need to try to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet during the fall and winter when they are harder to come by.  I need to do this.  I have been overweight for far too long!

Labyrinth

I got off work this morning at 8:00 and was very tired but decided to stay awake because I never have any weekend days to do anything.  Every weekend is spent either working or sleeping.  I love my job, I do but sometimes it is a drag to never have a weekend off.  All the cool activities take place on the weekend.  That said, I am so glad for my job.  This weekend my client was in a lot of pain and I was able to set the ball rolling for it to be dealt with.  My client's spouse is having a very difficult time keeping up with the demands of caring for a partner that is dying and I was able to bring love, compassion and understanding and a shoulder to cry on.  Before I leave a home I always ask if I can give a hug to anyone in the home who looks like they can use a hug. (And who doesn't?)  More often than not the person ends up crying on my shoulder. It is hard for family and friends to care for someone in the last stages of living.  Sometimes a hug is the outlet they need to finally let go of some of the overwhelming emotion. And, I give a damn good hug! So yes, I love my job but people do not die Monday to Friday, 9 - 5 with time off for coffee and lunch breaks.  When I am in a home caring for someone it is 12 hours of being awake and ready to serve. 


Anyway...
Because I elected not to sleep today, I went here.  A labyrinth!

It takes about 10 minutes to walk all the way through.  Walking through is a meditation. Though I am very tired from being awake for the last 24 hours I am glad that I had the opportunity to go.  It was so lovely. This is a place I will go to again and again. 


And ug... I weigh in tomorrow.  Even though I did very well this week I feel like I may have gained.  This week I made a Southwestern tomato chicken soup with brown rice, black beans and lots of veggies.  For the first time I made a Thai noodle salad made with whole wheat pasta.  Both were made with little or no sodium and both were delicious.  I ate loads of fruit and vegetables this week as well.  I am drinking 4 -6 cups of iced green tea (decaf) everyday.  

So why do I feel like a sow at a country fair? Oh, well.  I am much cuter and smarter than a sow.  And I didn't have to give birth to 20 babies at once. And I am funny and can guarantee you the sow in this picture has never had a funny thought in her life. Poor thing.   I mean my god.  Look at her!  That is a life of misery.  Bloated every single day.  You know how bad bacon is for you but what if you are bacon?  What hope is there? The little curly tail is somewhat enviable. 
The Ungrateful Bastard still has fleas.  He growls at me when I try to de-flea him.  Maybe I will get a recording of his growls because it is funny as hell.  It reminds me when a two year old gets angry.  It is so cute and funny and it just pisses him off more if I laugh.  
OK, time for dinner.  I need to heave myself off the couch and go eat something.  Or sleep.  And I better not record the Ungrateful Bastard growling at me or I might get reported for animal cruelty even though I am trying to help him.  He is evil and would report me to the authorities is he had thumbs.  But alas, he doesn't.  Thank god.