Bring on the Jack Russel!

As of today I have lost 10.4 pounds. Yay for that.  It is a strange thing though because yesterday was my weigh in day and I was up.  I weighed today and I am down 3 pounds from yesterday.  Stranger than that is yesterday I was really pissed off and didn't track at all and ate about 15 potato & cheese perogies with butter in defiance to being up.

In other news, the black dog is still here.  I am all over the place emotionally.  Anger and sadness. A lot of anger. So much anger that I can feel it buzzing inside of me.  It is coming out physically.  My neck and shoulders are in a lot of pain.  When I sleep I have nightmares.  What is going on? I have written it all before so I won't write anymore.  I am calling a counselor in the next day or two.  And I will come out of this and the black dog will go away.  Maybe a happy little Jack Russel terrier will show up instead. 

Today my boy turns 17!  I said in his card that I am glad I only have one son because he would be my favourite and I would feel bad liking him more than the other son. Recently I mentioned that he has gone on medication for anxiety and I am relieved to say that he is feeling incrementally better.  He has another appointment in a month. 

My tree.  We had another quote and this guy said there was nothing at all wrong with it except it really needs a good pruning. So, Brianna (the weeping Birch) will live!  The tree that I stared at in the months after my mom died.  The tree that houses birds and feeds them. My tree.

Nada

 I would give someone ten bucks to go and get me a coffee right now.  I want a donut too.  Tim Hortons is having Roll up the Rim to Win so there is really no reason why this is not a most excellent idea. 

Now here is what pissed me off this week.  We have a beautiful weeping Birch tree in our front yard.  I love this tree but it is in a desperate need of pruning and topping.  It is near electrical wires so we have to get it done professionally so we called for three estimates    One guy we called came out and said that it was not worth saving and he would rip it out for $250.00.  I told him I really loved the tree (I have given the tree a name but didn't think sharing with him was a good idea) but if it there was no other option I guess that was what we would do. And then this happened.  I thanked him for coming and said we still had two other companies to come out to give us an estimate.  Before I could get my sentence out he turned his back on me and stormed off and said, Whatever.  This guy was seriously angry!  I was stunned.  I then said, Well I guess it won't be you. He said, Fine! and got in his truck and drove away.  WTF?  I was so mad I wrote an angry Google review.  Times used to be you could treat a customer like crap (or very well) and the customer has no way of voicing it. Now we do.  So, fuck you landscaper guy.  My husband was furious because the asshole made me cry.  How do people run successful business when they act like that?

OK, now I would give someone $100.00 for a massage.  My neck is still all sore and twisted from moving a patient last week. So far that is a coffee, a donut and a massage.  

One of my Negative Posts

He is Back

I have much to be thankful for.  I do.  But sometimes that Black Dog of Depression (and Anxiety) shows up and I think I can't take one more day of it.  Is this how my life is going to be forever?  Things are tolerable except when they are not? And then I want to just go away.  Who wants to live a life that you can just tolerate? 

So what is going on?  Does it really matter?  Issues with my mom are coming up since I started this grief support group.  Going is absolute hell and I hate it.  We are halfway through but I am thinking of quitting.  The grief of the people in my group is so fucking horrible.  There are people who have lost loved ones through the most tragic of consequences and all that happened to me is that my mom died.  And considering how fucking horrible it is I don't know if going to this group is going to do what it is supposed to and that is to help me heal.  My mom was a beautiful person.  We had our times where we did not agree and in no way am I holding her up to be a better person than she was but she really was my hero.  And she is dead.  Dead.  She has been dead for well over a year now.  I keep her memories close to me but I don't feel her close.  Or maybe I do. I don't know.  Maybe she is just dead.  No afterlife.  No heaven. No reincarnation   Just dead and gone forever. And that is what is going to happen to all of us.  There are no miracles. 

My defenses are down and my husband and I are arguing.  The last day or two I am considering leaving. Things with him are tolerable most days but when they are not, they are so fucking bad. If I left him today he would not shed a tear.  He would sell this house in a heartbeat. I wish I could describe how he is. He loves me in his own way but if I left he would be just fine.  At night he won't even give me a kiss unless I ask. He just rolls over and goes to sleep.  Last week I timidly came to him and asked him why he can go out to dinner or for a drink with friends or even by himself but he doesn't take me out.  You know what his response was?  He said he is taking me out this week for my birthday.  WTF? It has to be a special occasion to take me out?   I ask him all the time if he wants to go out and I will pay for it. Nope.  He just says that he will pass.  And I am left feeling like there is something wrong with me. Maybe there is.  (The witty Birdie you see here is only a small part of me!)  Maybe I just saw my mom and dad's marriage which was so full of love and giving that my ideals are warped.  Maybe I need to lower the bar. Maybe I am just too sensitive.  I have so many issues and need to be validated. Being way too emotional does not help this relationship. I need to quit being so needy and be less of a pain in the ass.  It would be good for me to detach and not expect so much. 

To add to all this, my kids dad has not paid child support for 4 months now.  Taking him to court is not an option because he works for himself and gets paid under the table. He is in contracting and just keeps saying he isn't working right now.  He had been paying the same amount of child support for 12 years now. $250.00 a month.  That is $125.00 a month per child.  When I have approached him on actually paying more he pulls the "I am not working right now" routine.  Then his wife gets involved and says she is going to take me to court. (For what I do not know.)  So, because I am a weak woman I don't bother to do anything about it.  The stress of it all is simply not worth it.  

Then, the straw that breaks the camels back.  My son.  My highly sensitive son who has never said a mean word about anyone.  The boy that hugs me in front of his friends.  The tall young man that is adored by his teachers because he is so gentle and kind to everyone.  Last week he had to go on medication for anxiety.  Because this shit is passed down.  And it is my fucking fault because I have not been able to raise him to not give a shit.  I have not raised him to be strong.  How is it that it that I was handed a beautiful baby and now I have managed to allow this demon to take over his life?

Anyway, I need to sit and think and just relax.  I will feel better soon, I always do.  I just need to "defrag". 

Does Anyone Else Do This?

I am curious who else composes posts in her head all day long and never actually writes them.  Today alone I have probably come up with 5 or 6 posts but now I can't remember much about them.  I think one may have had to do with Tim Hortons coffee.  There was one about my never ending search into my family tree.  I found 10 more Great (x 5) Aunts and Uncles.

https://familysearch.org/search/record/results#count=20&query=%2Bgivenname%3AJoseph~%20%2Bsurname%3Awebb~%20%2Brecord_country%3AEngland%20%2Bspouse_givenname%3Arhoda~%20%2Bspouse_surname%3Awestwood~

I was also going to write about how much my neck and knee hurt from transferring a patient. Oh, and of course my (non) weight loss.  I seem stuck at breaking the 10 pound mark. I have gained this week and I don't know how that is possible.  The week is not over yet, but damn! I will say I am feeling better but it sure would be nice to see better results.  

And then I was thinking if I was a lesbian woman I would have a thing for Zooey Deschanel.  She is a little bit too thin for my tastes but there is the whole thing of me liking men. 

That's about it.  Posts that actually didn't make it to being a post. 

Postponed!

So yes, my surgery has been postponed.  I wasn't given a reason. Now it will be March 20th.  A few of you have asked what the surgery is for.  Basically, it is to put my female parts back where they belong.  My son was a very big baby and likely should have been a cesarean but instead he was delivered the old-fashioned way and then with forceps.  I tore and was cut and because of the trauma,everything down south has moved to places in should not be.  Normally I don't hold back on details on my blog but for once I think I must.  (It is really embarrassing and only my husband and gynecologist know all of it.) Let's just say, like an old car I need to go in for some repairs. A lot of repairs. 

On a happier note, it was almost like Spring today!  February tends to be pretty nice where I live.  It changes back to rain in March but I don't mind.  The really crappy gray damp weather is almost behind us. Yippee for that! 

Here is a juicy bit of news.  Are you ready? I bought "the world's best pot scrubber" the other day. Actually, I bought two of them. **  If any of you have trouble with scrubbing pots and pans it is because you don't have "the world's best pot scrubber".  Which means I am better than you.  And my pots are cleaner. To be honest, if you are from Canada, you too can get "the world's best pot scrubber" from Home Hardware.  (Linda- you may want to leave your vacation from Florida early because you don't want to miss out.)

And holy hell. That is the most interesting part of my week. 

**My dishwasher broke and I am not going to have it fixed.  I have given my kids one of each utensil and dish and taped the cupboard shut. Every time I enter the kitchen it is a pigsty. My kids can't seem to grasp the concept of putting a damn plate in the dishwasher.  Anyway, now it is broken and it is to damn bad.

Is Your Fibre a Multitasker?

Well, is it? Apparently mine is.  I didn't even know that this was something people thought about.  It seems my surgery may be postponed and I am not happy.  Already I am at the point of having to stay home more than I usually do.  I find out on Thursday what is going to happen.  I bet you don't give a shit but I do.  ha ha ha

My son turns 17 this month and he has bought his first Valentine gift for a friend that is a girl. He got her a card and a tiny stuffed turtle.  He is so sweet and so is the friend that is a girl.  They talk all the time of Skype and go for walks when they are on a break at school. It is a huge, Awwwww!

A Stay-Cation Will Be Nice

Cute Overload!

Oh, but I am weary.  There is no reason for it.  I just am.  It is perhaps twisted of me to look forward to a major surgery just so I can get some time off and rest. Right now I could easily hibernate through the rest of winter.  Well, I would wake up for the Gordon Lightfoot concert then go back to bed.  My birthday is this month and I would be OK to sleep through that too.

Weight Watchers. I have been following their plan for 6 weeks now and have lost almost 9 pounds.  And nobody has noticed. My clothes are a little looser. The plan itself is great and easy to follow. The problem I am having is just how much food is out there and how accessible it is!  It is true that some people can eat whatever they want and then others have to watch every bite.  A friend of mine has a waist that is about the size of a 12 year old girl.  I have seen her eat!  And she drinks gallons of red wine! How does she stay so thin? I don't know. 

I read a post about going through pictures in my files that are long forgotten.  So, here you go. 

This is my grandpa.  I adored him.  I just look at this picture and my heart grows.  He was everything a man should be to a little girl.  I have clear memories of being very small and following him everywhere. As you can see he was a ham radio operator. He always let me talk to his buddies.  He let me jump on his bed and he smelled like Brylcreem.  We would go out to his garden and he worked while I "helped". He never got mad when I pulled up the wrong thing.  My best memory of him is crawling up into his lap while he sat in his "easy chair".  I would curl my tiny body into his big round one and listen to his breathing and his heart beat.  He loved me so much.  Unfortunately, he died when I was only 9 so I didn't have him for as long as I would have liked but I feel especially blessed to have had him for my grandpa. 

So, What's New?

My GGGG Grandparents grave

Not a hell of a lot.  A neighbour came by my house and gave me about 10 new scrub tops.  They are all really nice!  I am tired of my scrubs so so new tops will make a nice change.

My daughter is going to the U.S. for 4 days this month.  I will tell you why and where after she gets back.  It is something for school and she is very excited.

I continue to work on my family tree.  Tonight I started looking for some information, got side-tracked, found something else entirely then went back to looking for the original document but completely forgot what it was I was looking for in the first place. (I know that sounds confusing but try actually doing whatever it is I was doing!)  Such is the life of anyone who does genealogy   You work on your tree until names (all the men are named Robert, William, James, John, Joseph, Matthew, Thomas or Robert) become the same. (Yes, I mentioned Robert twice.  Just seeing if you are paying attention.)   The women have a larger selection of names but they are hard to trace because they were considered to be "Mrs. Robert Smith".  Anyway, I shall forge on because I really do love doing this!  My tree is finally to the point where I am able to add birth/baptism/marriage/death certificates. This endeavour has taken me years.  Just when I think I have come to an end, something else shows up.  To get an understanding of how much work that has been put into this, between me and my (first) cousin (once removed) we have added well over 5000 relatives. 
That is all for now. I am going to go watch Mary Tyler Moore. Can anyone sing the theme song without looking up the lyrics?

Just Another Manic Monday

I could write a very long and drawn out post about the hell I have had to go through to get my 15 year old daughter a passport but I won't.  All I will say it today alone I had to drive 8 hours and at one point drove down the wrong way down a own way street.  Oh, and at one point I got my car up to 130 km/hour.  It was the suggested speed.  Yes, I was the one who suggested it and so that is how fast I went. I am sure the R.C.M.P. would have frowned on me going that fast but, oh well.  The actual limit was 110 so I was only just a little bit over and there were people that were passing me.  Anyway, after all that we still don't have the passport.  It may be a shock to know this but my 15 year old daughter is not a terrorist.  

Here is something that pissed me off.  In the middle of my 8 hour drive we had to stop for something to eat.  I stopped at Tim Hortons and ordered a simple turkey panini.  That is a good choice, right? Wrong. 15 points!  I can have 26 in one day so that it way over the top. I am down another pound this week so that is good. 

In other news.  The Canadian mint will no longer be distributing the penny.  That means every purchase should be rounded up or down to the nearest nickel but we all know that it actually means that it will just be rounded up.  I have no energy to give a shit. 

Well, I am tired, hungry and cranky so I am off to bed. 

Sinking to a New High!

As a parent do you often feel like a broken record?  Do you ask your kids to do things only have them to "forget"?  Or they remember to do what you ask them but do a lousy job?  I have nagged, begged, pleaded, yelled, cried and punished my kids.  Nothing has worked. Until Skype!

I send them messages.  They usually show "offline" but I am on to that.  (Trying to hide from me.) After they answer me I tell them what needs to be done. Instead of going to check their job over and over again until I am satisfied I now just get them to turn their Skype Cam on and I check their work that way. All from comfort of my chair!  No yelling, no frustration. Just sitting. Even my status says, Ruling the house from the comfort of my laptop.

Poor parenting? Damn rights it is but it works and it saves me a lot of grief.  And the kitchen has never been cleaner!

Don't ya hate it when you are so tired and know you won't be able to sleep for another 9 hours? I am also cold and have cramps. meh I know. Suck it up.  I am also hungry but too tired to reach beneath my chair and peel and orange. Pathetic   I mean really pathetic...  I just reached down and grabbed the orange but now it is sitting beside me.  Now I just have to work up the energy to peel it. 

Many hours later...  Well, I peeled the orange and ate it. It wasn't that good.  It must be old.  Oranges don't grow fresh anywhere in January. meh I have a headache now.

So, it is Groundhog day! These are my groundhogs from last year.  Fuckers didn't see a shadow.  I will take them out today but I know the sons-of-bitches want to keep sleeping for another six weeks so it won't be an early Spring. meh

Here they are waiting to go outside.  If case you are wondering this is my only collection.  I am missing some but Amazon.com won't send them to Canada.  One day I will get them because nobody else gives a shit about stuffed groundhogs.

OK, 3 more hours until I can sleep. 

A Surgery Date!

I went to my gynecologist appointment this afternoon and I got my surgery date.  I go in March 5.  It is only a 1 or 2 night stay but 5 - 6 week recovery.  If you have not been reading my blog for long it is surgery for putting my female parts back where they belong
. 
If you are a person who likes Too Much Information here you go...

http://www.webmd.com/urinary-incontinence-oab/tension-free-vaginal-tape-for-stress-incontinence-in-women

http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/repair-of-the-rectum-rectocele-or-small-bowel-enterocele

Two surgeries at once. Aren't I a lucky gal?

Did you grow up watching Andy Griffith?  Today, "Gomer Pyle" (Jim Nabors)  married his life-partner of almost 40 years.  I can't imagine being told that I could not have legally married my husband.  I am happy that he and his partner have been given this right. 

A Monday

Oh, I am looking forward to Spring!  It is so cold and dark and dreary.  I bought some African violets  Primula, a Spring perennial to brighten the dreariness.

And here are the groundhogs waiting for February 2nd.  And my other cat photo bombing.

This week I lost just shy of  another 2 pounds. (I reweighed myself later in the day and I lost 2.3 pounds.)

Now I am going to go clean the house. 

So, I Am Going To Be a Grandma

I have really appreciated all your comments and I have wanted to answer each of them personally but this whole thing has been overwhelming.  There is a good chance this baby could be born addicted and the thought of that makes my heart ache. There is an excellent chance this baby is going to be born malnourished and that also makes my heart ache.  This baby will be born at a low birth weight.  But what can I do? It is what it is. As the saying goes, you need a licence to own a dog or catch a fish...

But yes, I am going to be a grandma.  (It will be Nana for me.) I am just going to do the best I can.  I have bought my step-daughter some books of pregnancy and also one on breastfeeding. I have started looking around for a crib/basinette/change table etc.  Soon I am going to look for baby clothes and wee things that a baby will need.  Because, in the end this baby is really going to need the love of an extended family and it looks like I am up to bat.  And I don't mind.  In fact, aside from all the problems that this child may encounter I am actually looking forward to his/her arrival.  (I keep ordering children's books because I am going to read to this child!) I have so much love to give and this baby is going to never doubt my love.  When he/she is grown she will say, My nana loved me so much.  The same love that my grandparents gave me.  The same love my parents gave my kids. Come on baby, I am waiting. You are already loved. 

Do you know what this picture is?  Never mind.  Don't bother guessing because you wont be able to.  It is something only I could dream up.  It is a bag of M &M's tied up in a Nitrile work glove. Why?  Because I want to eat the whole bag. See how pathetic I am?  

 What else?  My dad is going to California for 2 months.  Canadian winters really do suck.  Like, a lot. 

 I found these pictures while perusing Amazon.  Holy shit. This is a cat muzzle.  My god.  If you have a cat that is so evil that it needs to be muzzled I would like to know how you are going to get a muzzle on it in the first place.  You have your choice of colours because that really matters to your cat. I can just imagine if I did this to the Ungrateful Bastard.  He gets in a murderous rage if I just look at him wrong. God save us all when you take it off the beast. 

This next picture is a cat bathing bag. It is of course, used to bathe your cat.  It also says, "Cat Grooming Bag also features two carrying handles and a convenient hanging hook." Does that mean I am allowed to stuff The Ungrateful Bastard in one of these bags and hang him up in the living room by the convenient hanging hook? We have a couple of those plant hooks on the ceiling. That would likely hold his weight. Can I carry him around the house by the handles?  That ought to make him love me. I wonder what would happen if I put him in the bag and the pink muzzle on him?  Before all you cat lovers throw up a hair ball, know that I won't do any of this.  No, I spend a great part of my day catering to Norbert and hoping he shows me even a small amount of affection. He sometimes lets me pet him. I am sure Oprah would say I should be grateful for that.  Though she is a dog person, right?  Figures. 

If You Like Hockey, Don't Read This Post

Ever since the NHL started back it has been playing non-stop on our TV.  I have said it before so you know where I stand on this issue.  My husband on the other hand loves hockey. There is not compromise on whether or not we watch hockey.  Anyway. meh

This morning I had my cystoscopy.  It sure wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be. It was uncomfortable because your bladder gets filled with saline but other than that it was quite simple.  The urologist said I definitely need surgery and it should be soon but I have to speak to my gynecologist first.  She is notoriously slow and goes on month long holidays ever other month. She also takes off the entire summer.  That means she works September, November, January, March and May. Yes.  It is going to be awhile.  She is a great gynecologist though so I don't mind waiting too much.  I just don't know just how much longer I can wait. 

The hockey game just ended and I was flipping around the channels and stopped on, "Toddlers and Tiaras".  That is some fucked up shit.  I can say this because I am a fatso myself but what they hell is up with all their mom's?  They are all fucking huge.  Are these women trying to live vicariously though their daughters? 

So this is my life.  You are all so clever and have such interesting posts.  You write poetry and take amazing pictures.  Your days are exciting. My posts are never clever or interesting.  Some days I just stare at the screen and have absolutely nothing to say.  Do  you really want to know that I clean the bathroom on Monday? Do you want to know I had meatloaf and spinach for dinner tonight? That I picked my kids up at school?  Yeah.  I didn't think so.

I slept most of the day away and I could have kept sleeping.  So tired. Tomorrow morning I am finally having a Cystoscopy.  The results will go to my gynecologist and from there I will get an appointment for surgery. Though I am not particularly looking forward to surgery I am looking forward to having everything back in place and working again.  The problems are affecting my everyday life.

So, it is January.  Two months (minus two days) until the First Day of Spring.  Today I am ordering a book on gardening in the Pacific Northwest. Our garden last year was not great. I do not have a green thumb at all.  It is the total opposite of green.  What is that? Red? Gray?  I don't know.  Everything I planted ended up dead.  Maybe I will learn something for this book. Or I will kill everything again.

My step-daughter is still not speaking to us.  I get updates via Facebook.  meh  According to FB she is eating.  Yeah.  That's all I have to say on that front.

It is that time of the night where I am supposed to be all parental and make something healthy to eat for dinner.  I am not hungry nor do I feel like cooking. I can cook, I just don't like it. Yes, laziness is a part of it. If I won the lottery I would hire a cook. (Have I mentioned that before? I am in a blogging slump.) There are chicken breasts in the freezer so I am sure I will come up with something.  But later. Not now.

Journaling and Grief

I am starting a course in a couple of weeks on grief.  It is for people who are past the initial stages of grief. For some reasons I am having nightmares about my mom dying again.  She died 16 months ago! They are gut-wrenching dreams that hang around my neck for days.  How can it be all this is coming up after so many months?  I thought I was over the worst but evidently I am not.  Honestly, it is worse than in the beginning is a lot of ways.  I should be over this, right?  The silliest things bring up this deep feeling of just feeling lost. As I said previously, there is no resolution or absolution.  I don't even want to post this because after all the writing I don't know that it has helped. 

What the hell is up with Pyjama Jeans? I just watched a commercial and it was like watching a car accident.  You don't want to watch but can't tear your eyes away.  Don't get me wrong, I like comfortable pants.  I am a fan of the "mom jeans" that have the waist that sit above the belly button but there is just something wrong about Pyjama Jeans. With all the shit happening on the planet it is going to be something like Pyjama Jeans that is going to send the whole damn planet off kilter forever. 

I went to see Lincoln this week.  It has taken me a few days to mull it over in my head.  First, I enjoyed it!  The initial theme of what Lincoln fought for and how he went about it was fascinating. The acting was excellent.  However, because I am Canadian there were parts that I just did not understand.  With the exception of the main characters, for most of the movie I had no idea who they were talking about.    Would I recommend the movie?  Definitely! 

Signing off on this post.  It has taken me all day to write it!  I have kept leaving and coming back. Time for some dinner. 

Well, last night I took my negative self to Al Anon.  It was, as always a good meeting.  We talked about an article from The Forum (the Al Anon magazine).  Sitting in a room of like-minded people always sets me back on the right path. It was especially nice because my mom's old sponsor was there.  I had not seen her since  before my mom died.  I expressed my gratitude to her for being such a good friend to my mom. 

Today we went on a day trip and had lunch out.  Normally I would have had a hamburger with cheese, fries and a Coke.  (Huge amount of points !)  Instead I had a chicken burger (open-faced) with a non-buttered bun, no mayo (which I never have anyway) and a side salad with a balsamic vinegarette dressing. You think I am going to say it was just as good, right? It wasn't. (I freaking love a hamburger and fries!) But it was very good.  One thing I have learned at Weight Watcher is when eating out decide what you will have ahead of time so I checked out their web-site.  It also says make a decision if it is just a meal out or a special meal out.  I made the decision that is was that it was just going to be a regular meal.  At the end of the meal it was only 5 Weight Watchers points. I can have 26 points a day.  In other words, I saved myself about 600 calories. Since starting just over 2 weeks ago I am down just shy of 5 pounds.  As I have said, I think this is a way of eating that I can actually learn to do and stick with.  I have never, ever felt that way about any diet before.  Yesterday I stared reading Women, Food and God and so far it is a lot of air with no substance. A lot of crying and carrying on about how horrible life was as a child and now we eat because of it.  The premise is true.  That is the way of addiction.  What I want to hear is your recovery not how eating a bowl of cold vegetable soup brings up memories of your childhood. Go to any second-hand book store and you will see stacks of diet books that were the book for six months until the next one came out.  Oprah is big on different diet books. Remember the Bob Greene one? She did a vegan diet too. Did she get on the Atkin's train?  South Beach?  It isn't just Oprah. I have got on then off different diets.  Who hasn't? 

Last night I had another terrible sleep.  I finally took a melatonin but had to wake up 5 hours later.  My daughter is travelling to the U.S. in February and I needed to mail away her application. The thing I had to do to get her a passport!  The whole process took several weeks because of all the hoops I needed to jump though.  When I was her age I could just enter the U.S.  Nobody needed a passport.  Anyway...it is just the way it is now. Nothing anyone can do about it.  

It is a weird week here because I am going to the movie again tonight.  My husband wants to see Lincoln so it will be another late night.  Will let you know how I like it.  I personally think it is going to have a very hard time competing with The Hobbit. 

I was up early(ish) this morning after being awake until 2:30.  At least that is what time it was when I last looked at the clock.  The world looks so gray and dismal when I am tired.  Or maybe it is all the issues of late.  Whatever it is, the world is gray and dismal this morning.  Every day I am trying to be happy and upbeat but I just feel a lot of dread.  I don't know.  Whatever, right? There is other shit going on that I just don't have the effort to write about in a post. I have writen it over and over and over and it is just fucking pointless.  Sometimes writing brings no resolution or absolution. 

My lungs feel deflated.  My eyes are heavy.  Fuck.  I don't know. Going back to bed.

Two Thumbs Up!

My kids have been begging me to go to see The Hobbit with them.  I have been putting them off thinking it would be a movie for young people.  I was pretty convinced would not like it.  Well, (and my kids are gloating) I loved it!  Loved it and want to go again!  If you are wondering whether or not to go, this movie has my approval. My kids and I are convinced The Ungrateful Bastard took lessons from Gollum. Look at his picture on my side bar and tell me there is not a resemblance.  Norbert acts like Gollum that if for sure.  Happy and sweet then then 3 seconds later he is trying to kill you. 

My son's friend that is a girl is sick with the Flu and her sister is in the hospital.  We had our Flu shots here but now I am worried my son is going to get it and bring it home. I just pumped him full of Oil of Oregano, Cold Fx and vitamin C.  Every time anyone comes in the door of the house I yell at them to wash their hands. How is everyone feeling in blogland? Has the Flu hit your house?

At the movie I had Coke to drink and now I am wide awake.  And I had a nap this afternoon. My son is on Skype with his friend that is a girl because he is worried about her.  And do you know what he did? Today I had to go speak to one of my daughter's teachers and when I came out of the school my son saw me and gave me a hug.  Right in front of all his friends. How nice is that?  I am proud of that boy.  Makes me feel like I am doing something right. 

Tomorrow is dentist appointment day for me and my kids.  Have I done a post on my special hatred for the dentist?  I take very good care of my teeth.  I brush and floss.  Only one cavity in my entire life!  There should be no reason to hate the dentist but I do.  Every time I end up getting a major headache and feeling nauseated.  bah  My dentist is awesome and so are the hygienists   Thank god my plan only covers a cleaning every 9 months. I should be grateful that I get to go at all but Oprah can go fuck herself on this form her gratefulness. And do you know what the weirdest part is?  I actually have an honours diploma in dental reception but after I graduated I could not bring myself to actually work in a dentist office.  It wouldn't help to have patients come in and me saying, "Fuck yeah...the dentist scares me so bad I have to take Ativan to get though it.  And what's up with that scraping of your teeth with a pointy metal object? Fuck that news."

OK, time for bed here.  It is 12:09.  I didn't stay up this late on New Year's eve. 

My husband and son are watching the car chase from the movie Bullet.  My god.  It is testosterone overflow.  If men that age really drove that way they would end up with fucked up spinal cords forever.  And who would have to deal with the complaining?  Yeah.  One guess.  Anyway, the sound is so loud and I am sitting here rolling my eyes and husband and son are acting like I do when I go to Costco. We all have our thing I guess.

To answer some of the questions about my step-daughter and her pregnancy.  


She is most definitely pregnant.  She says she has been to the doctor and this I believe.  She says her doctor is not giving her any pre-natal advice or suggestions.  That is a lie. She lies more than she tells the truth.  Her own mother is a head case. She lost custody and guardianship of her daughters and does not see them. My husband is adamant that she is not going to come live with us because this girl has been a handful since she was a teenager.  I mean, she was so "bad" that she was chosen to attend a program for the worst 12 kids in the city. My husband has gone to the ends of the earth and back for her. He has been there for her day and night and has never let her down. When everyone said to put her into foster care he stuck by her.  They stories I have heard about her are unbelievable. Personally, if she were my child I would have kicked her ass to the curb a long time ago.

Which brings us to the newest development. She is now no longer speaking to her dad because apparently he made a comment that she didn't like. He is not sure what he said as he is only receiving this information second hand through his other daughter. It was her b-day this week and he gave her a gift.  No phone call to say thank you.  Nothing.  She is apparently done with us.  I kid you not.  This girl is the single most selfish and ungrateful person I have ever met. That said, I sent her a couple of books on pregnancy through Amazon because all I can hope is she will get some proper prenatal care. 

I did go to Al Anon last week and got myself straightened around.  For all intents and purposes we are washing our hands of this.  She nor this baby will never come to live with us.  We cannot continue to enable her.  No doubt she will call her dad when she wants something. She always does. This is his road.  He will need to decided what to do when that happens. And god, this is going to be hard. But it is her row to hoe. She better get at it.

The News That Has Us Derailed

So, here it is.  The thing that I have been stressed about.

My 23 year-old step-daughter came to us to let us know she is pregnant.  She "thinks" she knows who the father is.  She is a "vegetarian. Her idea of being a vegetarian is just not eating. She is about 5'2 and weighs about 90 pounds.  She is smoking and drinking. If my instincts are not wrong, she is doing drugs... 

I am sick about it.  I want her to have an abortion but she is almost 5 months along and I don't know if she can get one.  If she tells the doctor that she is drinking, doing drugs etc. she may be able to get one but I am pretty sure wants to keep this baby. According to her, she still doesn't know what she wants to do. 

This girl knows nothing about life. She quit school so doesn't even have her grade 12.  She can't hold down a job. 

A baby is supposed to be brought into a home of love but she is kidding herself if she thinks she can do this. What kind of woman starves herself, drinks, smokes and does drugs while pregnant?  She won't even take prenatal vitamins because it is against her ethics of being a vegetarian. She has never even babysat.

If she keeps this baby I know the raising will fall on me and my husband and oh, I would love to me a grandma but not at 41 and not like this.  My god, this baby is probably already fucked up. And the poor thing is going to be brought into chaos.

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be a mom again. No doubt she thinks a baby will be someone to love and all that shit but this girl can't even rent a room without getting kicked out.  I do not want her to come and live with us. The mommy in me would love to have a grandchild but not now ( my kids are 15 and 16) and not like this.  I want to tell her to quit being a fuck-up and get her shit together but I might as well be speaking to a fucking wall. 

I am lost as to what to do.  

Outside My Window

Snow! This was not in the forecast but oh! isn't it pretty?  It may waylay my plans to go to Al Anon tonight but I will have to see. The picture with the candle is a picture of my mom when she was young.  And the leaf in the frame in the window was taken from the exact spot where my husband and I got married. I brought it home and pressed it between wax paper. 

My lovely daughter received some exciting news this afternoon.  She has been Highland dancing since she was little but last year she had to give it up because her teacher retired without telling us. My daughter was heartbroken.  She had been getting ready to go to Scotland for the world championships.  This afternoon I received an e mail inviting her to be a part of a Highland dancing team for advanced Highland dancers. Yay!

It is almost time to cook dinner and I am just not in the mood.  If I won the lottery I would hire a cook. However, since I don't even buy tickets I will take myself to the kitchen and stare into the fridge like a teenager and hope something appears. 

The devil cat has killed three birds since Thursday.  Today I stepped out on to the deck and there was a dead bird laying there all mangled.  It was just a little bird with yellow.  Of course I freaked and Norbert went running.  I am told that cats just do this out of instinct but I think Norbert does it to be a bad cat. He thinks it is funny.  He does it because he is a bully and for meanness.

Today was a write-off.  My Auntie Flo is here.  God, she is a bitch.  I figure she will be dead in about 10 years and I can't wait.  Either that or I will beg for a hysterectomy. I just know I an getting too old for this. It would be nice to go back to the caveman days where I could be sent to a tent for 5 days and I could just sleep. I say bring back that practice now only I want wireless and chocolate.  

Oh! I forgot to mention that I got a raise last pay cheque.  (After working 1800 hours.) How nice is that?  For the first time in my life I am making a fair and living wage.  Now to work off paying off my line of credit.  bah

Al Anon tomorrow night and do I ever need it. This latest crisis is stressing me out. 

Well, the stress I wrote about in my last post has not resolved even a little.  (Not that it can be resolved.) I will tell you all and it will be soon. This is the sort of thing where I need my mom.  She wouldn't have a solution but she would be there to listen.  It isn't anything like someone has cancer or is dying but it is a problem that has blind-sided my husband and me. It is going to be life-changing and not in a good way.  And it pains me to say that because it does not have to be that way.  My apologies for being so evasive and secretive. 

Went to Costco (again) today.  Normally I sleep on Sundays as I have just got off work but last night they called my in to do an evening shift instead of a night shift. They were desperate for workers so I worked 3 1/2 hours and got paid for 10.  Sweeeeeeeeeet!  I was off at 10:30 and got to sleep in my bed.  I dragged my kids to go with me to Costco.  Going shopping with them is always fun. (I am not even being sarcastic!) We always have the best conversations when we go grocery shopping. 

Taking the tree down today.  Right now I am sitting staring at it and hoping it will just go away.  It would be great just to stick it in the shed as it is and take it out again next year.