My Laptop is Going to Melt

The last few weeks I have been doing crappy posts.  My mind has been somewhat empty.  Or maybe it is just full and I can't organize my thoughts.  I don't know.
My dad is sick with a fever, likely related to all the invasive things that are going on with the prostate cancer.  I have a huge pile of information that be brought for me to read.  He is at a huge disadvantage as he has dyslexia and cannot read so he is not able to make informed decisions regarding treatment.  Again, as with my mom it will fall to me.  Not that I mind. I don't mind one bit but it would be nice if my brother and sister would step up to the plate.  When my mom was sick neither of them did a thing.  But, I am the responsible child and always have been.  If I stepped away neither of them would step in.  Things would just not get done.  How can I leave my dad to make treatment decisions on his own when he can't read?  Oh, well.  I really don't want to sound like I am complaining because I would go to the ends of the earth for my dad.  It would just be nice if his other children would too.  
I have been feeling sick to my stomach for about 3 weeks now.  I am drinking Pepto Bismol (my sister and I used to call it Pepto Shito) and eating toast.  I have no appetite.  No, I am not pregnant. (Horror of horrors!).  Maybe it is just stress.  Or a virus.  I don't know. 
My laptop cooling mat fan is no longer working so I have to cut this short before my laptop melts.  I can't even touch it on some parts it is so hot!

A Post Before Bed

I can't wait for this book to come out! If you love crows make sure you check the link.

 

 

WTF is a Rectocele?

Remember when you got your period for the first time?  Do you remember feeling embarrassed and worrying that someone might find out? You thought that nothing could top the feeling.  Remember your first pap?  Oh, the humanity! I mean come on! The word speculum alone is an atrocious word.  I am here to attest it can get worse.  Much, much worse. 
I saw my gynecologist last week.  (I can't believe I am going to actually tell you all about this.)  I have been having all sorts of fun with the hot flashes, night sweats, wanting to kill someone irritability, and a general feeling of crappy.  But I went to the gynecologist because well, I having been leaking urine.  Pissing myself.  Just small amounts mind you.  Just enough for it to be a bother.  We chat.  I can barely look her in the eye.  I mean it is embarrassing.  Up on the table I get with my piece of paper and hoping I remind her to not use latex on my bits because I will keel over dead right there.  She comes back and does whatever it was she needs to do and she tells me to push and I kid you not...  I peed on her! I. Peed. On. My. Gynecologist.  I have no dignity left.  None.  I gasped my apology and she (being totally awesome) tells me it is a gynecologist's office and it happens everyday.  OK.  OK.  I recover from peeing on her and then she does more "inspecting" and it turns out I have a rectocele.  WTF is a rectocele?  I don't even want to know.  I mean the word "recto" is telling enough.  I am feeling ill at this point. (If you want to know what it is, look it up.  It is too disgusting to talk about.  And I implore you, don't do an image search! gag)  It turns out that when I gave birth to my son the forceps did a number on me.  That and the episotomy and tearing really made a mess of things.  How lovely.  Now I am pissing myself and constipated.  Great. Should I be happy that this is repairable?  All I can think of is how this surgery is going to be done.  I just picture my ass up in the air while the rest of me is covered.  I really can't think on it now.  I thought I had hit the bottom of the barrel having my pap every year.  It turns out it can get worse.  Much worse.
So there you have it.  There is nothing more that I can share with you.  It can't get any worse.  

Maybe This is all Fiction...

OK, I don't have a crappy life.  I have two awesome teenagers that are so freaking amazing and never give me a moment of trouble.  (With the exception of my daughter's eye-rolling/sighing that started when she turned 13.)  At this moment my fiancé and I don't want to kill each other.  I also finally have a job that I love that pays well after not being able to afford food for many years. I have a beautiful home.  And a garden!  Deer walk through my front yard every evening. 
Yes, my mom died and cruel excruciating death.  It still hurts to breathe when I think about it.  I miss her every second.  Some days I think maybe this is just a bad dream and I am going to wake up and (yay!) my mom will be back sitting in her chair phoning me (for the 5th time that day) to tell me some inane bit of information about what is on TV or a recipe she saw on Rachel Ray.  (Oh, god I miss her.  Dear god, it hurts in a place that I did not know existed.  Kind of like when you have a baby and all of a sudden you have a love that you never knew was possible but this is the opposite.) Anyway...
Today my dad called and I get more news.  I sit like the proverbial deer in the headlights.  I already mentioned the possibility here.  It turns out my dad does have Prostate cancer.  And of course I think all the positive thoughts.  Low mortality rate. Highly treatable.  I heard all the same things when my mom was diagnosed.  But fuck.  I can't do this again.  But I do know that ovarian cancer is much more crappier that prostate cancer.  But seriously.  Fuck. 


PS- When I was looking up a suitable picture with the word "fuck" I found this picture and thought it was funny. 

Ah, my blog is being neglected.  I worked 48 hours in 4 days last week and 42 hours this week.  I am so tired!  I have also been out in my garden getting it ready for planting.  First it needed to be dug up from 6 years of overgrowth from the previous owner.  Then bags and bags of manure and compost.  It is nice soil though.  Lots of worms, spiders and bugs.  A few snails but I relocate them.  I also have my green house going now with all sorts of yummy treats.  I am looking forward to start planting everything.


I am doing OK otherwise.  The last couple of weeks I have been missing my mom.  It was her birthday and then Mother's day.  I have also been feeling a lot of guilt surrounding her last couple of weeks on earth.  I feel guilty for wanting her gone.  I also feel guilty for not relieving her from her suffering.  I can't remember if I blogged about all that went on in that time but she has three ports in each arm and two in each leg for all the different medication.  She had a colostomy bag because her bowel was blocked.  In the last week she had a tube down her throat to pump out bile because there was a tumour blocking her stomach as well.  I remember holding a bag for her to vomit in before the tube was put down her throat and trying not to throw up myself.  And I remember wanting her to die because she had nothing left. She couldn't even respond to us.  She weighed about 80 pounds. I feel guilty for wanting her to die and guilt that I could not assist her to die sooner. I really hope that one day Canada will change its laws so people who are at the point of no return and their family can make decisions that we give to our pets.  
  
I went to see "Noises Off" at our local live theatre yesterday.  It was so funny!  I want to see it again.  It was such a fast-paced play I know I missed things.
  
That is about it right now.  I am going to go try to catch up on your blogs. 

It is that time of the year where Spring has finally arrived in my city.  I have been in my garden everyday.  We don't get a lot of great weather here so I am going to take a blogging break and go outside and enjoy it.  I will try to stop in and read your blogs when I can.  


(30 minutes later... I am now back inside and it is pouring rain and hail.  Ha!  Oh well, I am still going to take a break.  I guess I will go clean the bedroom and bathroom. ) 

This Stirs Me!

"I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."

Obama's Approval Rating Down

 Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich. 

Lovely Trees

The trees in my yard.  Click to imbiggen. 

Nap

I am going to go have a nap simply because I can. 

I Hate Going to the Dentist

The weather here is finally getting warm enough to actually go outside and do things.  And yet, I am sitting here with my laptop and not outside.  Granted it is Monday and I am always extra tired on Monday.  I have been trying to catch-up on the blog posts I have missed and I keep thinking I should be outside.  And yet, I love my blogging community.  You know more about me than most.  If I was outside I would be thinking I should be inside reading blogs.
We have new neighbours moving in today.  My street has consisted primarily of elderly folks who are being forced to sell their homes and move.  Two more homes are going to be put up for sale in the next couple of weeks.  Changes.  Always changes.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I hate going to the dentist.  Hate.  It is only for a cleaning but I get so stressed with going I always end up getting a headache and feeling like I am going to throw up.  In the past I have taken very good care of my teeth (flossing, water-pic. brushing with an electric toothbrush, brushing my tongue) but since my mom died I am lucky if I brush twice a day.  I am sure my dentist is going to notice, damn it. 

Little Boxes

I first heard this song when I was about 17 and it changed my life.  Has anyone heard it before?  I am willing to bet Ms. Moon has.  Who else?  





Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
And they all play on the golf course
And drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children
And the children go to school,
And the children go to summer camp
And then to the university,
Where they are put in boxes
And they come out all the same.
And the boys go into business
And marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

Poem in Your Pocket

http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/406

I am a day late for Poem in Your Pocket but this is my favourite poem.  This poem takes my breath away.  

“with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is” 

― W.S. Merwin

Unrestrained Rage

I try so hard.  I really do.  I have tried many times over the years and it is always the same result.  I get so pissed off I want to rip someone'e head off their body. What is it that does this?  Crafts.  Crafty crafts.  I see an idea in a magazine or in a book and I think to myself, I can do that!  Off I go to gather my supplies.  In this case some spoons and wire.  The idea is to bend the spoons and hang them from wire.  It gets hung outside and when it rains the water puddles in each spoon making a rain chain.  For everyone else this is an easy thing to do.  Not so for me.  I won't even go into how long it took me to put some spoons and wire together but if I was a mutant like the Incredible Hulk I would have ended up throwing something like a car.  I finally finished the piece of crap  rain chain and hung it outside where it proceeded to fall apart immediately. After about 10 minutes I got it hung up.  I hate it.  It looks nothing like the picture in the magazine. Instead it is all crooked. The first rain will cause it to fall apart. (And no I am not going to take a picture of it.  It equates on the embarrassing scale with the picture of me in the hot tub.)  My question is why can't I do crafts?  I imagine myself quitting my job and making rain chains full time and selling them on Etsy.  The world will be amazed at my talent and B@rbara Walters will want to interview me and I will become very wealthy.  Ok, not that extreme but surely you get my point.  Very least I will make a rain chain that will be the envy of my next door neighbours.  They will ask me to make them one and I will happily oblige.  I would not even charge them but I will do it because I am good at making rain chains. 
At this point I am sure all you crafty people have already stopped reading and are already going through your kitchen drawers to make your own rain chain.  You may even write a post on it  but block me to prevent me further rain chain shame. 
So that is it.  No more crafts. I am sticking to buying things from the really truly crafty people in the world.

On another note, I took a bunch of my costume jewellery necklaces that I have never worn and hung them from trees in my yard.  I think it makes the trees happy. 

Stuff

I am not sure what is going on with my hair in this picture but here I am in my not tub.  Let's just say that you can be glad there are bubbles or it would be like the Crying Game.  As you can see it is a small hot tub because somewhere along the line I having become greedy and don't want to share.  In all honesty though, I did not even have a bedroom to myself when I was a single mom.  I have not had a space to call my own since I was 19.  So this is my little oasis.  And I do share.  But when I am in it my kids are not allowed.  (Knowing me and my mother guilt this will last about a week.)

Here is what I did today.  I planted 6 pots of assorted lettuce and a mixed pot of oregano and cilantro and a pot of chives.  I have to keep them on the deck or the deer will eat them.  It will be hard enough making sure my 16-year old son doesn't eat it all when we sleep. 

I don't know why but my computer has been running very slow the last 2 days so I am going to end this post now.  

Why Would Anyone Want to Run?

I just got home from work and there must be a marathon going on because people are running by my house.  Why in god's name would anyone want to run for the hell of it?  I checked our local newspaper and appears these people are just running to compete.  Whaaaaaaaat?  Whyyyyyyyy?  They are all super fit. I bet none of them ever eat bacon for breakfast.  I bet none of them have bags of potato chips in the cupboards.  It is 9:00 in the freaking morning!  Are these people insane?  Seriously.  WTF?  Maybe I should go yell at them. "Hey stupid-head!  What the hell is wrong with you?  Who gets up on a weekend to run?" Am I jealous?  Not really.  I simply do not get running.  Swimming on the other hand, I love!  It impossible to fall on gravel and skin your knees while swimming.  
It seems the new medication I am on is working.  I don't feel like killing myself.  I say that in all seriousness. Things were getting pretty desperate there for a few weeks.  I am still very tired all of the time but I am hoping when I get the CPAP machine that will clear up.  Maybe then I will be able to lose this 25 pounds I am carrying around.  
And I will thank you not to mention the correlation between those people running and the fact that I am fat.  Don't. Just don't. 

It's Like Sweden!

Eeee!  I am so excited! My hot tub came today.  I just  have to have the deck reinforced and the electrical hooked up then it will be good to go.  You might never hear from me again as I just may relax into nothingness.  I may just reach Nirvana.  
Until then I have to live a normal life. Today I pulled 4 buckets of dandelions, bleached down my sun deck and rearranged my bedroom.  I didn't intend to rearrange my bedroom but I knocked over a lamp and the bulb shattered.  I figured since I had to pull out everything to clean up the glass I might as well move all the furniture around.  So I did.
My evil inside Canadian is coming out.  It is the damn playoffs.  I really hate hockey. (Elizabeth, there is one for you.  I hate hockey.) I am glad nobody I know personally reads this blog as hating hockey is equal with treason in Canada.  Actually, that reminds me, I need to write a blog post on all the black marks of Canadian history.  Did you know Canada put Japanese Canadians in internment camps in World War 2?  Did you know Canada allowed orphans to be taken from other countries to basically be sold into slavery?  Did you know Canada executed their own soldiers for desertion?  We did.  We did many awful things.  I will post on them one day.
OK. Modern Family is on.  Bye!

Bird Brain

The Robins keep flying at my front room window over and over again.  If it is anything like walking into a window, which I have done, I wonder why they keep doing it.  I finally stuck a bunch of Post-it notes to the window.  It worked and it really spruces up the place!  

Not Brave

I thank you for all your kind comments on my last post.  But here is the secret.  I was not brave.  I was just tired of living judgment.  I was ashamed and tired of who I had become.    I just had to do what was right. Granted, I had to walk away from every single person in my support system.  It was a terribly lonely time.  People I knew well, people who were my "friends" would walk by me as if I did not exist.  But I was not brave.   Kenn is brave.  He is living a truth and always has.  

Anyway...

It is my day off and I really, really wanted to work in my garden today but it is cold and raining.  But SPRING has arrived (finally!) where I live.  The daffodils are shouting out in yellow.  The trees are uncurling their leaves. It smells like Spring!  When that happens there is no turning back.  My heart is excited!  I guess I will just have to watch Spring from my window today.  That is OK because I have about 372 loads of laundry and the bathrooms need to be cleaned and I should vacuum. Maybe I will make a nice dinner tonight. 

Oh!  I got my Ahh Bras the other day.  I actually find them really comfortable.  However, I am a B cup, maybe a C but anyone with a bigger cup than a small C cup would probably not like the Ahh Bra.  They don't have a lot of support.  It is a very comfortable bra, you could sleep in it.  I don't hate it!  It does roll and shift even though it claims not to but not as often as other bras.  I would like to see this bra have thicker fabric as it is cold here in Canada!  ha!

Update - When I first purchased the Ahh! Bra and tried it on I was somewhat impressed.  I am a B cup normally and thought the bra offered enough support.  As time has gone on I am less and less impressed.  Though the bra claims to never lose its shape but I am having doubts.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified!  My breasts had no support and I looked terrible.  My breasts were hanging down near my middle. I am constantly pulling at the bra to give myself a lift.  Another problem is they are thin and my nipples are always showing so I have to put a jacket or sweater on.  These bras are not worth the money.  Pass!

Last week I went to my doctor regarding how horrible I have been feeling.  I was told that my anxiety/depression is likely going to be life-long.  I do not know if I am ready to accept that.  It is a frustrating as I have always been so proactive.  Meditation, yoga, journaling/blogging, counselling and reading everything I can get my hands on.  The thing is I can go for months or years and feel OK.  Maybe I should give a time limit on this whole thing.  I was really looking at getting off medication all together so I feel quite defeated that it may not be an option, ever.

Well, the laundry is calling.

Later that day...
Friko  suggested in her post today to write a done list each day.  So this is what I have done.
Took my kids to school, made dentists appointments, spoke to my doctor, tidied a bunch of papers, swept the mudroom floor, cleaned one of the bathrooms, vacuumed (why is spell-check showing that I spelled that wrong?), loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, took out the garbage and did three loads of laundry.  I also mowed the front lawn, pulled up about 75 feet of rotting watering hose from the gardens and dead-headed the dandelions. (Sorry dandelions, I happen to like your sunshiney heads but apparently you are an eye-sore.)
I have three more loads of laundry and I still need to go to my counselling appointment, pick my kids up at school, get groceries, pick up a prescription, take my daughter to dancing/pick her up, make final payment on my hot tub and make dinner. It has stopped raining so maybe I will get into my garden after all. Oh, in addition I went grocery shopping and cleaned the basement suite livingroom and kitchen. 

I think I deserve a good sleep tonight!

How Blogging Changed My Life

(for Kenn) 

I am having a problem starting this post because if I wrote down everything it would go on for pages and pages.  However, in order for the story to make any sense I do have to start at the beginning.

I was raised by my mom and my (step) dad who were both very accepting of everyone no matter what.  Both of them were blue-collar workers and lived their entire life based on acceptance of all.  They lived, worked and voted their beliefs.  I never heard a derogatory comment come out of their mouths.  I never heard a racial slur or an insult based on mental or physical capabilities, religion or sexual orientation. Even my biological father, who I rarely saw was a man of strong values when it came to acceptance.  He was a Union representative and stood up for those who were discriminated.  Back in the 70’s and 80’s the majority of people in the working force that dealt with discrimination were either uneducated or “non-Caucasian”.  My biological father fought for all of them.  He did not back down.  Even though my biological father was an abusive husband and father he had good qualities.  I believe my outspokenness, my spirit of fighting for what is right and standing up for people who can`t stand up for themselves came from him. 

So, what the hell happened to me?  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I started going to church when I was 16.  I went on my own and my family did not attend. It became my entire life.  (Even as I write this I feel so much shame.)  I basically turned my back on the way I was raised.  I started believing that people who did not believe the same religious beliefs as I did were “doomed to hell”.  I started believing that homosexuality was a sin and homosexuals chose to be gay.  I believed God did not hate them but God hated their choices.

(I am having a lot of trouble writing this.  I feel humiliated but I have to tell this story.)

I went to church and believed these beliefs (among many others) for about 12 years.  Then 9/11 happened.  I got very depressed.  I could not understand how something so awful could happen.  If I voiced my questions of God’s place in such devastation in church I was told not to question God.  But I did.  My outspokenness started getting me in trouble.  From there, I stated questioning everything.  Why did God allow poverty, mental illness, physical disabilities?  Why did God allow the Holocaust?  Why did God allow small children to be sold into the sex trade?  Of course, nobody had answers that satisfied.  I was simply told that the world was a sinful place and all the bad things were as a result of sin.  I could accept some things being a result of sin.  I could not accept things like during the Holocaust babies were thrown into the air and used as target practice.  I could not accept babies and small children being sodomized.  I could not accept all the atrocities. 

Over a period of a year or two my faith plummeted.  I prayed daily for answers.  I read the Bible and looked for answers.  I found no answers.  I became very depressed.  In that time my evangelical husband offered no support.  He and I started going completely opposite directions.  During this time our marriage ended.  (There were many issues outside what I was going through spiritually.)

So, here I was single and on my own.  My church friends never called me when I separated from my husband.  I stopped attending church as I found no comfort.  I left church each Sunday feeling worse than when I arrived.  I would drive home and cry.  I prayed.  God was so far away.  Or was God even there in the first place?

It was during this time I started blogging.  I read many, many blogs during this time.  One day I came across the blog of a man that had H.I.V.  His partner had died and he was living with the disease.  I started reading his posts but did not comment. I also started reading blogs of others in his community.  And I saw something I had never considered.  His hopes and dreams were just like mine.  His love for his mom and dad was just like mine.  He grieved the loss of his partner.  He spoke openly about everything.  For the first time I started seeing a man and not a homosexual.  I eventually started commenting on his posts.  Very few of his posts had anything to do with being gay.  It was seldom mentioned.  He spoke about visiting his mom.  He took pictures and talked about travelling. He told stories about his cat and his church. He spoke a lot about living with H.I.V.  And I finally got it.  He did not “choose” to be gay.  It was who he was.  I eventually “came out of the closet” with him and told him what I had believed and apologized to him even though he never knew when I first started reading his blog that I was reading it in judgement.  I asked for forgiveness.  He was deeply touched but one of the surprising things was one of his friends read my comment and it brought her to tears.  She was a lesbian and had been persecuted ever since she came out of the closet and nobody had ever apologized to her. 

It took me about 15 years to come full circle.  From a loving and accepting family I became a judgemental, self-righteous hypocrite.  During this time I also asked forgiveness from my family for turning my back on how I was raised.  The amazing thing is everyone accepted my apology and never brought it up again.

It has been a long journey.  I no longer go to church as I still find no comfort.  My faith is what it is.  I have more questions than ever but I do still believe in God.  I am at a place where I have no answers to the problems in the world.  Perhaps I never will.  The difference now is I have so much love.  I never would have got to this place if it were not for blogging.  Blogging opened up my eyes to how other people live (not just homosexuals).  Blogging has also showed me that people of faiths vastly different than mine were amazing people.  Blogging has shown me that there is a huge world out there.  I love that.  
If you want to meet the man behind the blog that changed my life I have been given permission to give his address.  So go say hello.  He is awesome.    http://myjourneywithaids.wordpress.com/

More Evidence. UB is the DEVIL!

He outdid himself tonight.  The Ungrateful Bastard (Norbert) is indeed the devil.  Here is what happened.
I just woke up because I am working the night shift tonight.  As usual Norbert is crying and yowling to be let outside.  He is not allowed out after dark because he has no life skills .  I called him and he came and sat on the arm of the couch for a few minutes.  I petted him then off he went.  A minute later I saw that he had left behind some cat fur so I brushed it away.  I forgot about it and went on with reading.  I then went to scratch my face and there was this awful smell on my hand.  It wasn't fur it was cat shit.  I started dry-heaving and ran to the bathroom.  It was a good thing my stomach was empty because it was gross and disgusting.  Is there any doubt my cat is a spawn of the devil?  I probably have Trichotillomania now.  Or Toxoplasmosis.  


Anyway...
I went to see my doctor today and was put on a new medication because the one I am on is clearly not working.  I explained that I am doing everything right.  I meditate, go to Reiki, do yoga, journal and I am seeking a counsellor.  And yet, I cry everyday, sometimes for hours.  This is not just grief anymore.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.   


OK, I have to go to work.  I don't have time to proofread this so I hope it makes sense. 

Is English Ivy Invasive in England?

Seriously, is it?  Because it is here and it is all over our yard.  It is killing everything.  Today I ripped a huge bunch of it out and it is not even a drop in the bucket of how much needs to be still ripped out.  I also had to cut down a tree because the ivy killed it.  My tree-hugging heart was sad.
  
Anyway, I also cut the lawn and hung a bird house.  I put some dryer lint in the bird house.  Does anyone know if that is a good or bad idea?  I thought the birds might like it but now I am wondering if it will make them stay away because it smells like a human.  If you know, let me know!
  
I didn't do much for Good Friday/Easter.  I worked which was OK because it is a stat.  I got up yesterday at 4:00 and went out for dinner at my biological father's and his wife's home.   felt bad because I yawned my way through the entire meal.  To guess what it is like I can only say it is like getting up at four in the morning and going out. 


Nothing else going on.  I need a nap.  

200 Posts and the Letter T

This is my 200th post.  Whoppee!  Ok, celebration over.  I am more excited that my letter T arrived!  Norbert ripped it off (on purpose) a few days after I got my laptop.  All that was left was the nubbin.  I didn't know you could replace keys. 

Not much else going on in the world of B@rbara.  I bought a bird house today.  Oh yes, I did.  Last night I had my sleep study but I have to wait another month before I get the results.  Ag!  This has been going on for a year now.  I used the CPAP machine and other than the tech waking me up I slept OK.  I just want this to be done. I am tired of being tired.  I am very, very happy that I now have benefits through my work and it will be totally paid for.  Yay!  OK, I am off to bed, I work tonight.  Watch the video.  It is great!  

I am looking out my window and the JW's are coming. 
 EVERYONE HIDE!


Several hours later...


That was really close.  They came to both my neighbours and then left.  I did tell them several months ago to never come back.  I was very nice about it but I told them that I had grown up with many Jehovah's Witnesses and not one of them had stayed with the church.  They all told me stories of physical abuse of women and children.  They all told me stories of having no life and being forced to attend church every single day. If you leave the church you are ostracised by your family and friends.  One of my closest friends (I have known her since I was 5) is in therapy to deal with all the crap.  Anyway, I told the JW's to never come back because I would never become a JW.  I told them that their translation of the bible says in John 13: 34 - 35,


34 I am giving YOU a new commandment, that YOU love one another; just as I have loved YOU, that YOU also love one another. 35 By this all will know that YOU are my disciples, if YOU have love among yourselves.”  (NWT) 


Clearly they don't have love one another.  Anyway, this was not supposed to be a tirade against JW's...


I am going to the sleep clinic tonight.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will finally have some answers.  

Some days I have so much I want to post about but I don't have the time or energy.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a post where I just talk.  (By the way, I can talk the hind leg off a horse.)  


I had a long talk with my fiancé on the weekend.  If you have been reading my posts you will know things have been pretty bad.  I explained to him that for our entire relationship I have been the "strong one".  I have been the one that had worked on our relationship.  When we had an argument I was always the one to make sure we worked it out.  I was the one who asked for forgiveness first, made amends, kissed and made up.  Not that he has not tried but I have been the reason this relationship works.  I think a lot of women are the strong ones in relationships.  Since my mom died I have not had the energy to try.  My grief has consumed me and it has been an effort to get up in the morning, never mind caring for my children, going to work and carrying on with every day activities. Since she died,  I have not been able to be the strong one.  I told him on Sunday that I was done.  I have been making sure this relationship was functional for 5 years. It is not a case of not wanting to give, I am simply tired and empty.  I told him I was done and if he wanted this relationship he was going to have to show me that I was important to him.  He needs to be the strong one for awhile.  Anyway, he seemed to listen and he seemed to hear what I was saying.  The last few days things have been OK.  I hope it continues.


I know I am "too young" but I really believe I am in peri-menopause.  At night I am having hot flashes and my periods are way lighter than they ever have been. I have problems with holding my urine and I find that I am irritable.  My nana had her last period when she was 36 so early menopause is not unusual in my family.  My doctor said that it is normal for women to go through a time between 35 and 42 with peri-menopause type symptoms then things go back to normal again for about 10 years until you enter menopause.  I would love to hear what anyone has to say on the subject.


OK, that is it.  We are having hot dogs for dinner.  Yummy!

I am finding that the day after I work nights I am so tired.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep.  Maybe I will.


Right now I am watching a bird fly over and over at my front room window.  I wonder if there used to be a nest above the window.  I hope she doesn't hurt herself.  Maybe I should go buy some bird houses.  OK, I just closed the curtain a little and she seems to have stopped.


Last night I went out for sushi with some friends from work.  It was fun!  I don't have fun often enough these days. This week I finally get to go back to the sleep clinic and see if a CPAP machine will work.  I sure hope it does.  I am so tired of being tired.  I am still trying to figure out why the doctor thinks I need one.  I am about 20 pounds overweight but I have been tired since I was about 20 and I was tiny back then.  In fact, the tech at the clinic said I was very small compared to most of the patients that he sees.  Anyway,  I don't know.  All I know for sure is the doctor said I wake up on average every 45 seconds and my legs move a lot (it is not "restless legs syndrome).  If you know anything about these machines let me know.


OK, I am going back to bed to read my book and maybe have a delicious nap!

I did it.  I put the down payment on a hot tub!  It is just a small one because I can't afford anything bigger and I really want a place to call my own.  My own little oasis.  I have been feeling so sad for so long now I thought I deserved to do something for myself.  A holiday ends (Hawaii would have been nice!) and this lasts many, many years.  I just have to have my sundeck reinforced which my dad is going to do for me then it is a go.  This is the first big purchase I have ever made.  I have never had enough money to do anything so I am pretty nervous and excited.  
It looks exactly like the one in the picture except I got a jet pack especially for neck and shoulders.  
OK, I am off to work. I need to stop at Tim Horton's so I don't fall asleep tonight.  I am so tired. 

A Day

I went to see my dad today.  He has been away pretty well since my mom died.  He told me he found a lump in his prostate.  He is waiting to get a biopsy.  Very likely cancer.  I can't go to that place right now.  All cancer means to me is suffering until you can't take it any more then more suffering.  When you want to die because you know no other life except cancer and suffering you suffer some more.  Then it strips you for any dignity.  Then you die.  Yes, I know I am being extreme but that is where I am at today.  When my mom was diagnosed I had total faith and hope that she would survive and beat it.  I won't do that again.  I choose to think nothing.  I choose to be numb to its insidiousness.  Anyway, I will let you know.  It takes a while to get biopsies in Canada (a downside of Universal Health Care).  He is waiting for the phone call from the hospital.


While I was there I picked up a few things that my mom wanted me to have.  A charcoal picture that was done by my great aunt.  There were also some antique knick-knacks.  They are sitting in my bay window now.  They make me glad.


It is my day off but I always find my first day off so exhausting It is hard working nights than switching to days.  I will be OK tomorrow.  I think I might book an aromatherapy massage for myself this week.  I have a union meeting this week too.  Fun!

I got these in the mail today!  I love crows as you know.  I also love this vintage owl.   I got them off Etsy. (Don't go there.  Don't!)  I need to stop looking at that site.  Some of the stuff there is so nice.  The only thing I don`t like it is all the writing on the site is super small and hard to read.  Maybe I need new glasses.  Bi-focals?  At what age do people get bifocals?


Last night I ordered a letter "T" for my laptop.  Norbert tore it off.  He did!  When I first got this laptop I was holding him and had a fit and ripped it off.   Of course he ripped off a good letter that is needed often.  He could not have gone after a Q or Z.  I think he did it on purpose.  He is rotten to the core.  So why do I love him so much?


Later that night... I am up and it is almost 4 a.m.  Fiancé is snoring so loud I can still hear him and I am on the other side of the house.  I am so tired!  I don't want to get separate beds but I am already having problems with going between sleeping nights and days.  I also don't sleep well even when I do sleep.  Oh well, he gets up at 4:30 for work then I can go to bed.

It Has Been 6 Months

My mom died 6 months ago this week.  It feels like yesterday.  No, that is not true.  It feels like today.  It feels like she died today.  Maybe I am just really, really tired.  I just finished three night shifts and  did not sleep well during the days.  Maybe it is because I have been sick.  Tears sting my eyes and I blink them back.  It feels as if the person I used to be is gone.  Or was she even ever there?  When I left my ex-husband I spent years finding out who I was and trying lots of different things that interested me. Little interests me now.  I am trying so hard, I really am. Please believe that.  I get up everyday and I try.   Everyday I try and yet most days I feel so sad and defeated.  Defeated.  Life has got the better of me and I don't have even a tiny bit left to deal with anything.  Even when I blog I am not being honest with you.  I say words that I think you want to hear.  It has got to the point where I don't care anymore.  My numbness is bigger than I am.  
My family has gone to its knees since my mom died.  My dad, my strong dad who has always been bigger than life is a shell.  He used to be the strongest man I know and always had the answer.  He is also lost and I have no way of helping him. My daddy is no longer strong and has no more answers than I do.  I don't see my brother and sister anymore.  We used to be such a strong family.  We were so close.  We used to never go more than a week without seeing each other.  I used to talk to my mom and dad at least once a day and saw them several times a week.  Now all  my family might as well be dead too.  It feels that way. Maybe we are. 
I never knew grief would be an impossible task.  I have been told I have been grieving too long and it is time to move on.  What am I to  move on to?  
Anyway, my kids are now in the room and I don't like them to see me sad.  My son is very sensitive and it hurts him.  I am going to go rest on my bed.  

Crap.  I have never bought anything from an infommercial before and now I am regretting that I did.  I bought an Ahh Bra an now I have read reviews and it is hated by a lot of people.  There are some people that love it but there are more people that hate it.  I am a small busted saggy baggy woman and it seems he people that hate it are larger busted but I am still worried. Why didn't I read the reviews first? It would be nice to find a bra I don't hate.  I will keep you posted.
Not much going on here.  It was sunny today but I was sleeping.  I am now off to work again and then I am on my days off.  

Update - When I first purchased the Ahh! Bra and tried it on I was somewhat impressed.  I am a B cup normally and thought the bra offered enough support.  As time has gone on I am less and less impressed.  Though the bra claims to never lose its shape but I am having doubts.  The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified!  My breasts had no support and I looked terrible.  My breasts were hanging down near my middle. I am constantly pulling at the bra to give myself a lift.  Another problem is they are thin and my nipples are always showing so I have to put a jacket or sweater on.  These bras are not worth the money.  Pass!

I Hab a Code

Have I used this picture before?  Probably.

I haven't had a cold in a long time.  I have one now and it is one of those colds where I have to breathe out of my mouth and there are about 150 Kleenex's around me.  The good thing about being sick is I can read blogs and not feel too guilty about sitting on the couch in pyjamas all day long.  I did go and get some groceries.  Did I remember to buy chicken noodle soup or a new case of Kleenex's?  No.  I did not.  Now I want chicken soup and I have about 30 Kleenex's left which will last me about an hour.  Days like this I miss my mom.  She would have come over with soup and the nice extra soft brand of Kleenex's.  She would have done my dishes and put a load of laundry in the washer. 

It seems almost everyone in blogland is talking about Spring.  It is still cold where I live.  No buds or blossoms anywhere.   It just keeps raining.  And if you think I need to buck up I can tell you that one can only take about 9 straight months of rain before going nuts.  Even the birds are in a bad mood.  I was watching them today and I saw them fighting.  Yes, I realize birds in hot climates do this too but I am convinced they are crabby because of the weather.

My Grandpa Used to Say...

Cute duck picture is from Cute Overload.  Go there
if you are ever feeling down.
http://cuteoverload.com/ 

Der spring is sprung 
Der grass is riz 
I wonder where dem boidies is? 

Der little boids is on der wing, 
Ain't dat absoid? 
Der little wings is on de boid! 


My grandpa used to love Spring.  And he would say this poem over and over.  I was only 9 when he died but I remember him saying this little poem and I remember how much he loved me.  When I was little I thought he wrote it. I am still not convinced he didn't.  I still don't know who did write it and I don't care. In my world he thought it up.  He did. 


I have been thinking about getting a dog (but don't tell Ms. Moon because she will think it is a horrible idea).  I have it narrowed down to a mixed breed.  A sort of terrier/poodle/lab thing.  When I tell people I am thinking of getting a dog I get mixed reviews.  One group of people think it is an excellent idea because pets bring healing.  The other group of people think it is a terrible idea because I should not be making any major decisions in the first year.
  
I am also saving up to buy a hot tub. The one I want is a hydrotherapy tub.  I want a small one because I am simply not the type to have a hot tub party however even a small one is going to be around $6000.00.  But here is the thing.  Before I got the job I am currently at I had been living below the poverty line.  I have been so poor in the past that I could not afford to buy food.  There are times when I could not afford to eat more than one meal a day.  I have always bought my clothes at thrift stores.  I had not been on a holiday in about 20 years.  Now I can afford the hot tub but I am afraid to spend the money.  What if I lose my job?  Unless you have lived in poverty it is hard to understand the fear of spending money.  I have lived in poverty before and it could happen again.  When you have lived in desperate times you learn desperation. Right now I am giving monthly donations to Hospice.  I promised myself if I ever had money I would support an organization I believed in but right now I can't seem to feeling OK about spending so much money on myself.  This is not a question of feeling whether or not I deserve this.  I have no problems with my self-worth.  It is not a question of need.  I know this purchase will be a good one.  I have suffered panic and anxiety my whole life and a hot tub is better than been addicted to ativan.   I know a hot tub will also help me sleep. Anyway, I have saved about 1/3 of the cost.  I guess I will see what happens. 


Now go to Cute Overload.

Further Proof of His Evil Reign

Before I moved, Norbert was always an indoor cat.  He wasn't allowed out even though he tried to escape daily.  I did not let him out because we lived on a highway and he would have ended up in the next town over in the grill of someone's car.  Back then I suspected he was Satan's father but now I know he is. 
Today he killed a bird.  After he brought it in the house and had great fun with it too. Feathers everywhere.  I know most of you are thinking no big deal, right?  It is a big deal!  I let flies out so I don't have to kill them!  I capture spiders and put them outside because I don't have it in me to kill something.  
And now this.  Let me tell you, he is very proud of what he has done.  He walks with a "you're next if you don't buy me soft cat food" swagger.  

I have owned a lot of cats and none have every killed things before.  No, I am wrong.  Norbert has killed spiders before too. Actually, he doesn't kill them.  He catches and releases over and over again.  The spider ends up with two legs begging to die.  At this point he eats the spider.  
I know he is practising for his ultimate kill.  Me. I know he secretly hates me.  Sure he snuggles up to me in bed and purrs but it is a ruse to deprive me of sleep and catch me off guard.
I don't know what to say about the bird.  Right now Norbert is walking around all bad-ass and proud of this addition to his rap sheet.  Bad cat.