Inside Outside Upside Down

Inside Outside Upside Down.  This used to be one of my favourite books when I was a child.  I was fascinated by it!  I never thought the words could explain how I feel now as an adult. I feel like nothing is working as it should any more.  I am so tired today.  I just want to grab Norbert (my cat) and go back to bed.  I am finally, yes finally going to get to see my doctor today.  He has been off for five months and is only now back part time.  I don't feel like going because it is just routine stuff like refills on my thyroid medication and booking the ever exciting mammogram.  Meh


My mom seems to have stabilized which is a good thing but she is still in total denial about her dying.  She says the doctor made a mistake.  When I go to visit I come home crying like I have never cried in my life. Physically, I have this low grade fever, sore throat and achy body but it never progresses to anything.  I know I am getting depressed as all I want to do is sleep.  Getting up in the morning is hell. Sleep is where I don't have to deal with anything.  My own form of denial I guess.  Well, this is a short post.  I think I should go see about that nap before I have to go to work. 


Namaste


And an update - I went to see my doctor today and apparently they had me down for 10:00 not 11:40.  I called yesterday to confirm the time! I would never have made an appointment for 10:00 because I work at that time. I am usually wrong about things but I know I was right about this.  The receptionist was insistent that the mistake was mine. Now I have to wait until Monday.  I have already waited for five months;  what is a few more days?
I have another showing tomorrow which is kind of a waste of time because in theory my place is already sold.  The home inspector comes tomorrow as well so I have had to once again clean my place so it is show room clean and tidy.  God grant me patience!  I don't live like this!  I like my books out. I like my things around me.  I like not making my bed.  I don't want to empty the bathroom waste baskets every day.  I don't want to always be doing laundry.  I was not meant to be a perfectionist.  Norbert is going to have a total cat meltdown if he has to go in his crate one more time. The poor baby.  


. 

Why I Ditched Pads and Tampons and What I am Doing Now.

I got my first period on the last day  of grade seven.  I was twelve.  Like every other girl I started wearing those awful "Stayfree" maxi-pads.  They were really thick back then, probably a couple of inches.  From the start I had heavy periods and would soak through a pad in a few hours.  I wore pads for a few years and decided to try tampons.  It took me a long time to get used to inserting them. I could often feel them after leaving the washroom only to have to go back and try to get it in right or remove it and start over with a new one.  I tried pads again when they went thinner but they "Always" leaked. When they came out with wings I tried them too.  How many times have we had those pads rip out our pubic hair?  Back again to tampons. Get it in right only to have it move when I strained to have a bowel movement. Sometimes the tampon would almost come right out.  Start again with yet another tampon.  What a waste! 


What has bothered me the most is the waste and the impact on the environment. It is estimated that the average woman will use 10,000 pads/tampons in her lifetime.  


"Multiply the number of pads/tampons you use each month by twelve. Then, multiply that figure by 41 years - the average woman's menstruation span.  For argument's sake, let's pick the figure of 4 tampons/pads per day, for 5 days.  That's 20 disposable products per cycle. Twelve cycles per year equals 240 tampons/pads per year. Okay, now if you menstruate for 41 years...that's close to 10,000 tampons/pads you'll use in your lifetime!"*


The other part that bothered me was the cost!  Feminine products are outrageously expensive. The last part that concerned me was just was I inserting into my body? 


"Most tampons and pads contain surfactants, adhesives and additives.   In addition, most pads contain polyethylene plastic whose production is a pollutant. Also, dioxin, a known carcinogen, is a by-product of the bleaching process of tampons containing rayon. In landfills, many of these substances can leach into the environment (groundwater, streams and lakes) causing serious pollution and health concerns." *


I was tired of the whole business but what was I to do?  I likely had many more years of this.  A few years back I started my period at a friend's house and decided to just run over to the pharmacy to pick something up. It was there that I first discovered The Diva Cup.  While looking at the looooooooong aisle of pads and tampons I noticed a couple small purple boxes on the top shelf.  Upon further investigation I found something I had never heard of before.  Reading the back of the box it was pretty obvious how it worked but I was sceptical.  We have all been fed the garbage of having a "happy period".  What convinced me to buy it was it was only $35.00 (Canadian).  If I hated it and it didn't work I did not have a lot to lose.


The Diva Cup is made with 100% medical grade silicone.  It is worn inside and is easily inserted and removed. It took me about 2 months to really get used to it but I love this product!  No more cost, no more waste, no more unknown chemicals leaching into my body and into the environment and  no more fumbling and mess.  When inserted it stays inserted until I am ready to remove it.  To clean it, I simply remove it, empty it and wipe it out with toilet tissue.  If I am at home I wash it with gentle soap and water.  It can be boiled to sterilize after each month.


I really do love this product.  It has changed the way I feel about my period.  I can wear it all day and not have to even think about it.  I can wear it all night.  I will never go back to pads or tampons!


I realize The Diva Cup is not available everywhere but look on the internet to see where you can get one in your community. Other companies sell other menstural cups which I am sure are just as good. 


What some more info?

* http://www.divacup.com/


http://www.squawkfox.com/2008/06/13/10-reasons-the-diva-cup-can-change-your-life/

Who Will Feed Norbert?

Damn!  She has been taken up in the rapture!  Who is going to feed me now?  Oh well, I guess I will just go claw the  couch.  And pee on the bed.

Did you know that there is not many books out there on death, dying and grief?  There are books that cover the general concept of loss which is almost insulting because losing a spouse, parent or a child is not that same as any other loss, no matter how you look at it. I realize the stages have similarities but it is almost insulting to browse books that have all loses lumped together as it they are the same.  You will never convince me that losing a pet (which I have and it was dreadful) or losing a job (which I have and stayed in bed for 2 weeks and cried) is the same thing.  People that say that losing a pet is like losing a child.  It's not.  My (step) dad lost his son suddenly when his son was nine.  My dad has never recovered fully. Anyway, my point is that when I was in the bookstore today I wanted to throw a few books across the store that tries to compare them. 
Not much new in my corner of the planet.  Spoke to my mom yesterday and today.  I have to remind myself over and over that this is her dying, not mine.  (Thank you Paula for sharing this truth with me.) She is in complete denial right now.  Or maybe she forgets.  Either way I am finding this part really difficult.  When we talk she speaks of  going and getting more chemotherapy.  The weird thing is at times she convinces me. I think maybe the doctor is wrong!  I go into my own denial.  That is why I strongly believe that grief is not done in stages but is a continuum.  Yes, the emotions are there (denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance) but we are always going around and around.  


Well, it is 6:45 p.m. and I was not taken up in the rapture.  It is a good thing because my cat, Norbert gets destructive and mean when he is left alone and doesn't get fed. 

This Business of Dying

I went to see my mom yesterday and she was having a OK day. We got her in the shower; her first in a month.  She has been having bed baths.  I was hoping just maybe she was on an up-swing but from doing Palliative care for a long time now I know the term "rallying". Rallying is when a dying person appears to be getting better, only to crash and die a short time later.  She is not eating much and drinking very little.  Her colostomy bag has had nothing in it for two days now.
My dad, my strong dad who is built and can work like an OK is getting so tired.  The worst part is to see him so sad.  He soul-mate is dying.  His best friend is dying and there is nothing he can do to stop it.  He tries, which is equally sad.  He tries to get her to eat and drink. He caters to her every whim.  Maybe he thinks if he can just get some food into her she will get stronger.  My sister is expecting, she has four weeks to go but my dad is not able to find the joy in it.  I spoke with him tonight about that.  I told him he is allowed to separate the two, this dying and this birth but I don't think he can.
My dad, who has never spoken of the Spiritual, not even a mention of God or angels or an afterlife thought he saw his mom who passed away 10 years ago. He said he thought he saw her walk into my mom's room where she was sleeping.  My mom and my dad's mom were very close and I guess she is coming to reassure my dad that she is waiting on the other side.  My mom has speaks of  "dreams" she is having about people who died years ago.
Anyway, her fight is not like you read in obituary notices.  This is not a brave, courageous, valiant battle with cancer.  This battle has been fucking cruel.  It has robbed. It gives hope and snatches it away again in it's evil grasp.  And it taunts.  It causes pain and suffering and it thrives on it.  It takes away your dignity. My mom sleeps, when she is not sleeping she is crying because she does not want to die.  She is not afraid of the after-life but she still has so much to live for. I hope and pray each day that she will die with peace but that hope is diminishing as she gets more weak and confused.  I know many of you are sending Reiki energy to my mom.  This being the internet and because she has a very unique first name just send the energy to "May", her middle name.  My dad could use some too.  His middle name is Edward. Thanks. 


So, not to be a totally depressing post, I had an offer on my condo today and I have accepted it.  I sign the final papers tomorrow morning.  Move out day is July 15 but we get possession of our new home June 24 so I can move out and take my time.  My new home is so pretty!  My fiancé and I were planning today where we are going to put the garden.  We talked about what we are going to do in the basement.  We talked about the chickens we want to get.  OK, that I want to get!  I am so glad I am finally going to be with him after four years.  
Again, I thank all of you that read my blog. Thank you to those of you that leave comments.  Thank you to those of you that don't leave comments because you don't know what to say.  I can feel your love and energy and for that I am grateful.


Namaste.

She Sews!

Look at the bitch in this picture!  She is the reason so much is expected of women.  I hate the entire family equally.  However, I am going to have a little contest and I will let my readers decide what pisses me off most about the picture.  There are no prizes but it should be fun trying to figure it out.
So, what brought on this hate tonight?  I had to sew.  I took sewing up in my younger days because I married young and I thought that is what a "good wife" does.  The thing is I hated it!  HATED IT.  I didn't  have the patience of lining up those marks and pinning paper to cloth.  And every single time I would jab myself with a pin.  Or step on one.  And any project I ever made never fit properly.  It always chafed where you don't want things to chafe.  And then it totally fell apart by the 5th wash.  I did buy a serger but by then my hate had grown deeply and it only got used a couple of times.  It ended up in a horrendous knot.  
But my love for my daughter made me pull out the machine. She is in Highland dancing.  All that was needed was hemming the pants, the bottom of the shirt and the arms.  It took me three days. And it looks...well it doesn't look all that great. I just know her dance instructor is going to give me that look. You likely know the look.  That look that makes you feel everybody else's children are so well cared for and YOU use medical tape to hem a garment? (Yes, yes I did that once!)  I think the teacher was speechless.  I mean what could she say?  But she did give me that look.  Anyway, the medical tape is gone and there are (mostly) proper seems.  My daughter can dance her little heart out at the competition this weekend.  And when I see her great big smiley face it makes it all worth it.  
I do still hate the picture though. Do you know why? 

Luck and Love and Other Stuff

Guess what?  No, guess!  Give up?  OK!  I just received the most lovely of lovely gift in the mail today!  Remember this post where I was looking for a 4-leaf clover but didn't find one?  Well Isa over at The M Chart sent me one! And not just any 4-leaf clover. This thing is huge!  (I put a penny beside it so you can see how big it is.)  She also sent a card that filled my heart with love. Thank you so much Isa.  I will wrap the 4-leaf clover in wax paper and add it and the card to my treasures.   


PS- Isa will have to tell me what the symbols on the back mean! Kisses to YOU Isa.  Namaste

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news I don`t know what is wrong with me.  It feels like I am fighting some bizarre virus but maybe it is just stress. I have a sore throat and a headache.  My knees hurt.  My neck hurts.  My joints and ache and I am so tired.  I napped today and set my alarm but I did not hear it.  I woke up 30 minutes later.  I am a very light sleeper and  I have never slept through my alarm before!  I have an appointment to see my doctor on May 25.   My doctor has been off for five months now and the 25th is the earliest I can get it.  I could go to the drop-in but it is full of sick people. I know I am a `sick people`but I hate the drop-in clinic. Anyway... it is almost 6:00 and I should go cook some dinner. 

Namaste

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things I actually  said to my kids today...


"Get out of bed."
"Feed the cat."
"Give the cat some water."
"Take those ear buds out of your ears!"
"Where are your glasses?"
"Turn the TV down!"
"Turn your music down!"
"Stop fighting!"
"Say please."
"Don't roll your eyes at me!"
"If you keep it up you"re both going to sit in the back seat!"
"Just wait until you have kids of your own."
"Have you flossed your teeth?"
"Put away your laundry." 
"Because I'm the mom!"
"Have you finished your homework?"
"Go have a bath/shower."
"I love you!"
"I love you!" 
"I love you!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXgoJ0f5EsQ&feature=player_embedded

Lucy Raises Chickens

As promised, one of my favourite I Love Lucy episodes. It is not the funniest but I think it was of the crazier idea the show came up with.

I had a hair colour disaster last night. It went way too dark. I need to figure out how to fix it!

I never did get to see my mom today. My aunt goes and then my mom is too tired for visitors. She fell again. My dad will speak to the palliative nurse and see about lowering her pain medication. My kids and I just had a lazy Sunday. I slept a good part of the day. I am not physically tired so much but emotionally I am wiped. When I am sleeping I don't have to think about being sad. I know it is unhealthy escapism but I don't have the energy to care. And so, it is time to get ready for bed.

I've Always Wanted to Look Like a Chrysanthemum!

Today I dragged my sewing machine out to do some alterations on my daughters's Highland dance dresses. I have not used my machine in years and had forgot how to thread the thing. I did get one hem done but not I am just tired so put it away.

My hair has been bugging me. It is so thick and curly right now and it is in need of a colour. So as I sit and blog I wait for the colour to process. It made me think of the above "I Love Lucy" episode. Lucy is trying to save money so she decides to make a new dress instead of buying one. She uses a razor blade to cut through the dress fabric because all she has are nail scissors. She also decides to perm her own hair but she forgets about it. So funny!

I have not had much of an opportunity to mention it but I am an I Love Lucy fan. I own every episode on DVD including seasons 7, 8 & 9 which were hour long episodes rather than half hour. They are even funnier! Anyway, my timer is on and I won't leave my hair colour on for five hours!

My mom is about the same. She fell today but did not hurt herself. My aunt (her sister) went to see her but my mom forgets. My kids and I will stop by tomorrow and I believe my brother-in-law is going too.


PS - I will try to post my favourite I Love Lucy segment of all time tomorrow.  

Blogger!

Writing is my free therapy right so when Blogger is down I get stressed.  I need to post and I need to read your blogs.  It keeps me grounded.

So, not much has changed.  My mom asks every time she wakes up if she is dying.  She is forgetting.  My dad was telling her that yes you are but I love you and I am going to be with you every moment.  She would cry and my dad would comfort her.  But now it just seems cruel to tell her over and over. 

I went to Reiki yesterday.  I seriously wish I could go everyday because it is the only time where I feel at peace.  

OK, something funny.  My daughter currently plays the flute.  I rent her instrument as buying it outright is quite expensive and she was talking about giving it up.  Anyway, I had not paid the bill and it is past due.  I got a bill today and it said, "Dear Bad Parent"!  Or at least that is what I thought it said.  It actually said, "Dear Band Parent".  I think my guilt speaks in curious ways.  

 It is getting more and more difficult to post.  My heart has never hurt this much.  I have never been this afraid.  
I spent the day with my mom but she slept all day.  I wanted to give my dad a chance to go out and get some air.  The morning was speaking with Palliative nursing care and making decisions.  We have decided that my mom will stay at home but will go into the hospital to die. There she can receive 24 hour care that we can't give to her.  She will also be more comfortable.  I also spoke with Hospice this afternoon.  More decisions. Though my mom knows she is dying she is in a lot of denial but the last 2 days she has been coherent enough to know she is getting worse and she asked me outright today is she was dying.  I had to call Hospice and ask how exactly you tell someone she is dying.  


I spent the day filling out insurance forms, checking her e mails and talking to my dad.  My dad and I made the decision to take her off the antibiotics the doctor prescribed because they are only causing vomiting at this point and not even getting digested.  So, what good is even trying?


I am so tired tonight and I need to sleep. Thank you for all your comments.  They help.  They do.


After you read this post go tell at least one person that you love them 


Namaste

Landslide

I know I seem to have a lot to say on this blog.  Words actually come easy to me.  I am not afraid to show my emotions.  But, during the last few weeks I am often without words.  There are four lines in this song that describe very well for what it is like for me to lose a parent.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh, oh I don't know, oh I don't know

I don't know if my heart  will ever be able to rise above this.  Maybe, maybe not.  I do know when I look at my own reflection I will know that my mom is all around me.  A big part of the who I am is because of her.


It seems things are progressing quickly and  I don't know how much longer she has.  She wants me there but she just cries or sleeps.  She has not come to any peace with her own dying.  I pray for this. I am going to talk to the doctor to see if there is something to take the edge off. Nobody should have to die like this.   It is cruel. 

I want to thank all of you for the comments.  I actually check my blog several times a day just to read the comments because they help sustain me.  Namaste. 

Landslide lyrics

Songwriters: Nicks, Stevie;

Took this love and I took it down

Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

And can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older I'm getting older too

Yes I'm getting older too, so

I've been afraid of changing

'Cause I, I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

I'm getting older too oh yes

I'm getting older too

So, take this love, take it down

Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

Well well, the landslide will bring you down

Sweet Adelines

Sometimes there are blessings that just knock your socks off.  My mom is a member of Sweet Adelines. They are a highly respected worldwide organization of women singing barbershop harmony.  Because chemo has had it's way, my mom has not been able to sing for a few years now but tonight her local chapter is coming to sing for her.  Wow!  I was so touched that they would do this.  My mom has a lot of friends.  I mean a LOT.  When she turned 60 I put on a birthday party for  her.  As we went through the invite list she had over 100 women, not including family.  I think my mom has kept in contact with every single person she met since she was about five years old!  How she did that I will never know.  She always made time for every one and always spilled her love to everyone she met.  My mom is full of light and love. There is nothing about her to dislike!  I am serious.  She has only two people she disliked in her life.  One of them was a "friend" that ended up making advances on my dad.  Still even then my mom would not speak ill of her in front of many people.
So, tonight my mom will be graced with a group of woman singing for her.  Just for her because she is loved immensely.  I am not sure how they are all going to fit in my parents tiny 900 sq. foot home but if they need to stand on tables we will fit them all in.  I am going to video it with my camera and I hope that it will turn out nice enough to post.  Yes, we are blessed.  Give out love and it is returned to you a thousand fold.


Namaste 


And here is the link.  They talk a bit in the beginning and for some reason it cuts out.  Oh, well.  The amazing part is the song they chose is a mirror of my post.  Here they are singing, "Can You Feel the Love?"
I can feel the love and it is so good...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhJ4bgE7id4

Gartan Mother's Lullaby

I have 2 posts for Mother's day so there is another one below this one. 


I don't know, this song seems appropriate for my mom so I changed the written lyrics. 

Garten Mother's Lullaby

Sleep, my mom, for the red bee hums
The silent twilight falls
Eavell from the gray rock comes
To wrap the world in thralls

And lyin' there, oh, my mom, my joy
My love and heart's desire
The crickets sing you a lullaby
Beside the dyin' fire

Dusk has come and the green man's horn
Is wreathed in rings of fog
Shivrah sails his boat till morn
Along the starry bog

And over it all the paley moon
Has gleamed her cusp in dew
And weeps to hear the sad sleep tune
I sing, oh love, to you

And lyin' there, oh, my mom, my joy

My love and heart's desire

The crickets sing you a lullaby

Beside the dyin' fire

The Green Man - it is said if you see him in the morning, "no ill follows"; but if at night, death or some other terrible misfortune will surely overtake you. He is sometimes called Fear Liath, or the Grey Man.

Eavell is a meaning of time.
Shivrah is a fairy. 


Namaste

Mother's Day

Tomorrow I will go to my mom and dad's and spend my mom's last  Mother's day with her.  I am  writing her a letter as no gift will ever express my overflowing heart.  I have been blessed to have her.  So blessed.  
I will rub and kiss my sister's belly and send my love to my new niece who is waiting to begin her life.  And so it goes.  
  


Namaste

Going Home - Do Not Resuscitate

As fast as she went into palliative care at the hospital my mom is now being sent home for out-patient palliative care.  Her pain is managed and she is going home to spend the final weeks sleeping beside my dad at night.  I am sure they have a lot to say to each other in the privacy of their home. 
The doctor was going over the forms with me this morning and mentioned the Do Not Resuscitate order and that is when cancer has yet again slapped me in the face.  It does not get any more final that that.  
I don't know what the positive in all this is.  I do know I am thankful that I have had my mom for 40 years.  The Carnista lost her battle this week with Ovarian cancer and leaves behind two boys, 9 & 6.  That is beyond cruel.  I suppose at the end of the day I should be grateful that I have had her for 40 years  but I am still angry.  I have a great uncle (87)  that is a drunk.  He drinks and drives. He smokes and his fingers are black.  He has a "thing" for young men and boys.  He sickens me.  I have a client that is and angry uncaring man.  His family has disowned him.  He is a former Nazi and still takes time to bash "the Jews" and everyone else on the planet that is not from Germany.  He is full of hate.  I look after several old ladies that spend  their days in wheel chairs, completely demented.  Everything is done for them.  The sit in front of the TV for hours on end.  No quality of life.  And do I actually have to admit I am in the bargaining stage of grief right now?  Take them God.  My sweet mother is still needed and loved here.  She and my dad are crazy in love.  I need her.  Who is going to counsel me now?  Who is going to love me like only a mom can?  My kids need her.  She loves them more than life itself.  A grandparents love is a very special thing.  Both my mom and dad have spent a lot of time with my kids over the years.  There were times when I was working and in school that they saw them more than I did.  My kids have gone camping with them. They fished, roasted marshmallows and played endless games of cards.  That is over now.
I guess now I have no choice but to begrudgingly accept it.  It? Her dying.  
I am hoping my words make sense because I am too tired and just don't care to proofread. 

65

Well, as of today my mom made it to 65.  Well whoopdefuckingdingdong (not a word according to the spell check.) She spent this milestone in palliative care eating a diabetic meal that she hated and didn't finish.  And she joked with a sadness that she wouldn't be here for 66.  Don't misunderstand. Please don't.  Every day she is here is a good day.  But it is coming to the point where the line between living a life that has quality is clouded by a crappy life where you don't know if the fight is worth it any more.  
Ironically, I ran into one of my life-long friends while on the palliative ward. Her father-in law has cancer.  She already lost her dad 4 years ago this month to the monster. 
I hate cancer.  I hate it. It takes.  It is evil.  It is insidious and sneaky.  It gives you hope then rips it from your grasp.  And I see the amount of money going to stupid shit like making movies and fighting wars that can't be won.  I see money being thrown at the feet of hockey players and football stars.  And people keep dying... 


(My apologies for my morose writing tonight.  I actually feel OK in a way.  I went to Reiki today.  I am just tired.)

Finally...

Is is strange to be glad that my mom is finally in Palliative care?  I won't even go into what went on yesterday.  I will just say yesterday was the worst day so far for all of us.  The doctor took in upon himself to tell her that she only had a few months to live.  First off, we had specific conversations with the doctor that this conversation would happen at a later date.  The second problem was he told her when nobody else was with her.   How bad is your bedside manner to tell someone they have months to live with no support person present?  Again, we specifically told the doctor that we wanted to be present for this.  My mom was devastated.  She was thinking she had about a year, not "months".  To piss me off all the more, this was not even the palliative doctor that told her this, it was her surgeon.  In my opinion he should have left the telling up to the palliative doctor with family present.  


So, what is this? The "anger" part of grief? Anyway, as of this afternoon, my mom is now on the palliative ward where she will have people around her that can deal with this in a loving and professional way. I already spoke to the palliative nurse who gave me reassurance.  My mom's room is private and looks out to a garden.  


As for me, I woke up and took the kids to school today then came home, shut my bedroom door and went back to sleep for four hours.  I have been reading blogs ever since.  I even cleaned the two bathrooms and put in a load of laundry.  I am feeling quite clear headed today. I am coming down with a bit of a cold but I am taking some Cold-Fx and Oil of Oregano.  Now I am off to pick up my kids and to the post office because my books have arrived. Whooot!

I want to thank those of you that stop by and leave messages and even of those of you that are "lurking' but sending your positive energy and prayer to my mom and our family.  I really can feel it and it makes my heart full.

PS- The above cartoon actually made me giggle.  :-)

Still Waiting

My mom was to be transferred to palliative care yesterday or today but I have heard nothing.  I have been waiting since yesterday for a call from the Palliative doctor but it has not come.  For some odd reason my dad has turned off his cell so I can't get a hold of him either.  I called the hospital three times yesterday and did not receive any answers.  And I am so damn tired.  I was up early this morning to take my kids to school and I found my eyes closing while driving.  I have booked tomorrow and Friday off work but I have to work today.  I have no money saved for a time like this.  (You can thank our Conservative government for that. They have forced low wages on us for over a decade.  But that is a story for another day.)   So, I start work in 20 minutes and all I want to do is sleep.  Actually, all I want it for my mom to be well.  She turns 65 on Thursday.  Mother's day is on Sunday.  Both will be bitter-sweet.  There will be no more birthdays, no more Mother's days.  I hate that.  My emotions and "stages of grief" go back and forth as I breathe. Right now I am just numb with the acceptance because I am helpless.  My mom remains drugged to the hilt and is not in pain at the moment and can't stay awake for more than a minute or two.  

*sigh*

That sound seems to come from so many of us today. What are we supposed to be feeling?

How are we to feel about Bin Laden? I do not rejoice in his death. I am a pacifist and do not believe war is the answer. I will not return hate for hate, I won't. My kids are asking questions, good questions that challenge me. "But isn't it good that he is dead?" No, son this was not what God wanted for him. This is not what God wants for us. There is a better way. You have to live peace.

What encourages me is that every blog I have read today has the same idea.  We all want peace.  We ~sigh~ and we try to understand but maybe that is what immobilizes us. Have we given up on peace?  Should we?  I think not.  Tomorrow when you go out in the world be kind and forgiving to one another.  Look people in the eye. Love one another.

When I die I want five simple words printed on my headstone, 

"Be Good To One Another"

I plan to live this until my last breath.  I will not allow the evil on this planet to dismay me!  Do not let it dismay you!  Be of good courage, dear ones.  Be of good courage. 

So, I post this video. 

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.  Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.  Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Update - I have just learned that this quote is not from MLK jr.  It spread like wildfire on the internet today and I did not confirm its validity.  My mistake.  Sorry.  The sentiment it true.  

"Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong" - Mahatma Gandhi                              

And Another Day Finished

I don't want to post today.   So far, blogging does not seem to help and at this point I highly doubt I will ever want to read this again.  The kids and I went to see my mom this morning.  She is looking very tired.  She is still in denial.  How can you say goodbye when the person you are saying goodbye to doesn't know they are going anywhere?   Tomorrow or Tuesday will be arranging of Palliative care.  I have to work tomorrow but will just have to leave work early as I want to be there to help make decisions.  
Personally, I am just feeling a sad numbness today.  I slept most of the day.  I got up to make dinner and do a bit of housework but I am going to be going to bed early tonight.  My heart is physically aching.  I feel like my spirit has been vacuumed out of me.  Even while writing this post I have had to stop several times to rest and put my head down on my desk.  I am also thinking ahead to her funeral and how I want to honour her but nothing I could do or say could ever come close to that.  She is an amazing woman.  I believe we all learn many lessons in this life but one lesson she never had to learn was loving and giving abundantly of herself.  Anyone who ever met her knew this.  Our world is going to be less one amazing and truly giving person.  I don't understand why God takes the beautiful ones.  Tonight I don't even want to think about why because there are no answers.  It is a question that we all ask when some truly beautiful person leaves us too soon.  I am glad that God is all loving and has broad shoulders because I am angry at Her right now.  Even though, I still feel loved and that I am nestled tight to her bosom.   
In other events, my sister's baby is still tucked safe inside her.  My sister and her husband lost a baby through miscarriage this year so we want this baby to stay safe where she belongs.  She is at 33 weeks now.  I also ask for a safe and healthy delivery for both my sister and  the baby girl inside her. 


Namaste