The doctor was going over the forms with me this morning and mentioned the Do Not Resuscitate order and that is when cancer has yet again slapped me in the face. It does not get any more final that that.
I don't know what the positive in all this is. I do know I am thankful that I have had my mom for 40 years. The Carnista lost her battle this week with Ovarian cancer and leaves behind two boys, 9 & 6. That is beyond cruel. I suppose at the end of the day I should be grateful that I have had her for 40 years but I am still angry. I have a great uncle (87) that is a drunk. He drinks and drives. He smokes and his fingers are black. He has a "thing" for young men and boys. He sickens me. I have a client that is and angry uncaring man. His family has disowned him. He is a former Nazi and still takes time to bash "the Jews" and everyone else on the planet that is not from Germany. He is full of hate. I look after several old ladies that spend their days in wheel chairs, completely demented. Everything is done for them. The sit in front of the TV for hours on end. No quality of life. And do I actually have to admit I am in the bargaining stage of grief right now? Take them God. My sweet mother is still needed and loved here. She and my dad are crazy in love. I need her. Who is going to counsel me now? Who is going to love me like only a mom can? My kids need her. She loves them more than life itself. A grandparents love is a very special thing. Both my mom and dad have spent a lot of time with my kids over the years. There were times when I was working and in school that they saw them more than I did. My kids have gone camping with them. They fished, roasted marshmallows and played endless games of cards. That is over now.
I guess now I have no choice but to begrudgingly accept it. It? Her dying.
I am hoping my words make sense because I am too tired and just don't care to proofread.
I'm so sad Birdie for you, your Mum, your family, the children of your friend. There is nothing that can explain it all or make any of it seem right or fair. Some very unhappy people have long lives, some others linger in pain for too long and some beautiful ones are taken away too young or in very terrible circumstances. It all is beyond understanding. I remember a friend of mine telling me how she looked after her mother in the last days of her life, brushing her hair and washing her, lying on the bed next to her and holding her. If there is anything positive, I hope you don't mind me saying this, it is that she is at home with her family and that you can all stay close in her final days. Sending wishes for some sort of peace for you. In time.
ReplyDeleteNo words can take it away. Everything you feel is totally normal and completley understandable. Just wanted to say I keep you all in my thoughts. I hope that you are given the best few weeks you can get with her. I feel too for your dad but I hope they have time to share their memories together. Feel so sad for you. Many reiki blessings xxxxx
ReplyDeletePlease be strong...
ReplyDeleteLove
"Forgive me lord for asking why,
ReplyDeletethorns live on while roses die."
It's not the same I know, but I'll be bargaining too if they tell me Mike has only a few months. The closest I have ever been to what you are going through is when my then mother-in-law was taken ill just before Christmas 2002. She went into hospital Christmas Eve when they diagnosed secondary liver cancer (she had bladder cancer which had gone undiagnosed for who knows how long. She died 6 days later. I comfort myself even now with the thought that I rubbed her feet to keep them warm in the hours before she died.
:(
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're going through this heartache, Birdie. You and your family are in my best thoughts.
ReplyDeleteDearest gentle Birdie... I do not have the words to completely soothe you and take away all the pain that you are feeling... there are things in life that we can never explain... I agree with you... why? why the good go and the bad stay... maybe your mother's mission in life has been accomplished and it is time for her to move on to a different mission and tackle that... maybe the bad ones have yet to learn something and well maybe they will never will... but I would like to think that God always chooses the best of the bunch to take to be near Him... yet sometimes I also do not understand why since He has so many loved people next to him why not keep a few on Earth? I don't know.... but what I do know is that her memory, actions, love and inspiration will never fade away... what you and your kids felt with your dear mother will always be there so that then would share it with their children and you will share your mother's love with your grandchildren... maybe I am talking sense here... but I feel your pain... May love, sunshine and healing surround you during every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Sending you positive thoughts.
ReplyDelete