This Business of Dying

I went to see my mom yesterday and she was having a OK day. We got her in the shower; her first in a month.  She has been having bed baths.  I was hoping just maybe she was on an up-swing but from doing Palliative care for a long time now I know the term "rallying". Rallying is when a dying person appears to be getting better, only to crash and die a short time later.  She is not eating much and drinking very little.  Her colostomy bag has had nothing in it for two days now.
My dad, my strong dad who is built and can work like an OK is getting so tired.  The worst part is to see him so sad.  He soul-mate is dying.  His best friend is dying and there is nothing he can do to stop it.  He tries, which is equally sad.  He tries to get her to eat and drink. He caters to her every whim.  Maybe he thinks if he can just get some food into her she will get stronger.  My sister is expecting, she has four weeks to go but my dad is not able to find the joy in it.  I spoke with him tonight about that.  I told him he is allowed to separate the two, this dying and this birth but I don't think he can.
My dad, who has never spoken of the Spiritual, not even a mention of God or angels or an afterlife thought he saw his mom who passed away 10 years ago. He said he thought he saw her walk into my mom's room where she was sleeping.  My mom and my dad's mom were very close and I guess she is coming to reassure my dad that she is waiting on the other side.  My mom has speaks of  "dreams" she is having about people who died years ago.
Anyway, her fight is not like you read in obituary notices.  This is not a brave, courageous, valiant battle with cancer.  This battle has been fucking cruel.  It has robbed. It gives hope and snatches it away again in it's evil grasp.  And it taunts.  It causes pain and suffering and it thrives on it.  It takes away your dignity. My mom sleeps, when she is not sleeping she is crying because she does not want to die.  She is not afraid of the after-life but she still has so much to live for. I hope and pray each day that she will die with peace but that hope is diminishing as she gets more weak and confused.  I know many of you are sending Reiki energy to my mom.  This being the internet and because she has a very unique first name just send the energy to "May", her middle name.  My dad could use some too.  His middle name is Edward. Thanks. 


So, not to be a totally depressing post, I had an offer on my condo today and I have accepted it.  I sign the final papers tomorrow morning.  Move out day is July 15 but we get possession of our new home June 24 so I can move out and take my time.  My new home is so pretty!  My fiancé and I were planning today where we are going to put the garden.  We talked about what we are going to do in the basement.  We talked about the chickens we want to get.  OK, that I want to get!  I am so glad I am finally going to be with him after four years.  
Again, I thank all of you that read my blog. Thank you to those of you that leave comments.  Thank you to those of you that don't leave comments because you don't know what to say.  I can feel your love and energy and for that I am grateful.


Namaste.