I don't have a whole lot to say. Very tired. My ear hurts. Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since we were told she has 2 - 3 months left. Whatever that means... It seems like that conversation happened years ago. I am crying a lot. Feeling very alone right now. Completely and utterly alone. I wish I could call my mom like I used to and have her tell me she loves me. It has been so long since I have had my mom. I feel three years old and all I want is my mom. I wish she could come to my house and help me with some menial bit of housework. (She is very good at folding bed sheets.) I wish we could go out for lunch. I wish I could go to visit her and for her to make me a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. I wonder how many tears I will have to cry until there are no more tears left. She is not even gone yet and it hurts so much. I apologize for not being a very good blogging friend. I am reading your posts but I am empty and don't have much in me to respond.
Focus on you lovely... you need that time... May love circle you in her embrace!
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to apologise for.
ReplyDeleteI cannot possibly know your pain, I only know how I felt when Mike was diagnosed, I am lucky in that the time given was much longer and Mike's health is such that we have time to laugh, cry and make more memories while time allows it. But still I have days when all I can do is cry.
I do realize you are facing a hard time of reality, but it will be fine. We are all here, for you. I am sure you will be strong enough to get through this.
ReplyDeleteNo apologies needed. As has been said it is the time to focus on you and your family. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteHang on to those memories. Folding bed sheets, that is precious. Take all the time you need.
ReplyDeleteWe all go back to been 3 years old when it comes to our mothers!
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and let me tell you that its ok to feel the way you do, because if we don't deal with our emotions our emotions will deal with us.
Don't worry about commenting and take care of you!
With love,
I'm sad that you're suffering, sometimes life is hard, but I', glad you share with us.Kisses.Yoana
ReplyDeleteI think you're supposed to be sad and grieving when your mother is dying. It's okay, it's normal, it's good. It will also pass. All things pass.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to take care of yourself as well. Be kind to yourself, give yourself what your soul needs to be restored.
Can your mom talk to anyone about her fears?
Birdie...I feel your pain. My mom passed away in November, and I still crave her presence, her phone call, her voice. At times too, I feel like a little girl, crying for my 'mommy'.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how young or old, a woman will always need her mother.
Just know that even if us blogging friends can't be there physically, we are there in thought and spirit, and those things transcend space and time.
Blessings....
Ah, yes... the one who has known us the longest, other than the Other One who has known us for forever. Prior to my mother's death we talked a lot about the day when the train would pull into the station for her. I always thought she would simply slip away... at 92 and 93 she was still pretty healthy, if suffering from various ailments.
ReplyDeleteBut right after her 93rd birthday she committed suicide with the help of her other daughter, a step-sister. I was too angry to grieve for quite awhile.
What I missed, what I am still angry about, is having the loving mother to really grieve about, to really miss all the things you talk about.
It has taken me a long time to forgive the suicide, but I do believe you can still have those conversations you yearn for... go ahead and have them. Across the space/time continuum she will hear you and you will hear back from her.
Your mom loves you still, even though she cannot tell you. You are a remarkable 'bird,' and I posted a photo of one - just for you... to cheer you up...
Hold onto those precious memories of the times you shared with your Mother - you are fortunate to have those xxx
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime cry scream yell if you need to - blogs are not always needing to be cheery and happy xxx
It's OK to be sad. Just let yourself be as your body/mind/soul tells you to be.
ReplyDeleteKiss
I can't imagine. But I do wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteBirdie I lost my mother last September. When she got sick we were told 4 to 12 months. It knocked me on my bottom and losing her was indescribable.
ReplyDeleteI'll be following your blog and sending you positive thoughts.
I am sorry to hear of this -- of everything, especially impending loss. I sent you healing thoughts of comfort and love.
ReplyDeleteI had some tears in my eyes..thinking of what you must be going through. I wish I could hug you and tell you are going to be OK...us girls have to stick together and play mommy to each other, you know? we're all in it together..rain or sun
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, though it feels terribly like it and true. You are very loved, though she can't say so anymore. Cry all you want, you are earning the right, just by surviving this. You don't have to respond, just be. Hold those sheets, moments of love come to us in the most extraordinary and ordinary forms, and all of it is precious. Take a photo of your mothers hand holding yours. Feel your feelings and longings, they will help you heal.
ReplyDeleteeven amid all your pain, sadness and grief, every moment with your mom and with your own is precious. feel it all - it is all a part. someday, a day that you cannot now even think about, folding a sheet, helping in the shower, your care and gentleness will bring you closer to you mom and you will have a smile, very private moment with her.
ReplyDeleteI think about you every day.