Ah, you sweet and wonderful humans. You do my heart good. When I read your comments I am stunned that you think of me as strong. Though it is something I have believed about myself there are times when I feel anything but. The last few weeks it has taken every bit of energy in my soul, spirit and body to just get up and make it through until noon. Tears are always behind my eyes and if not they are streaming down my face. It isn't just a sadness but an all consuming feeling of hopelessness. I struggle with the fact that people think this is a ploy to get attention but it is anything but. Nobody knows what I am going through outside my husband. My family knows I am 'struggling with depression'. Other than that I have not told anyone a thing. A few health care professionals know but I do everything in my power to keep this a secret. Why? Because I can't explain the shame I feel. Shame that my husband has to deal with me. Shame that I am barely coping and I am not being a good parent. Shame that I am off work and taking advantage of the system. Shame. Shame. Shame. At every awakening until I fall asleep. Shame when I wake to get a drink of water of go to the bathroom. Shame as I fall back asleep and it all starts again the next day. And I tell you, I picked the wrong time of the year to become depressed. There is help but it is almost impossible to find.
So, that is where I am at. No appetite. I have lost over 15 pounds. Depression is a great way to lose weight but it is not worth the the feeling of nausea. Still cross stitching. I have made it one more day.
Shame is colluding with depression and lying through its teeth. It should not have a home with you. When you are strong enough, kick them both out, and barricade the doors.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime I, and lots of others, will continue to feel pride and awe at your determination, your resilence against all the odds, and respect for the wonderful person you are.
Hugs.
So depression is a good diet, aye? Now I know my New Year's resolution is to succumb to my depression. Goodbye mental health, hello beach body.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard, but you can be easier on yourself. Shame seems a bit harsh, especially since you're working your way through a chemical imbalance.
We're all pulling for you. You'll make it through eventually. Yes it's hard, but you're not alone in this feeling.
Funny.....when I get depressed....I get fatter!
ReplyDeleteDamn....I can't even do that right!
I am glad that you are posting...but....and that's a big but...
I do miss your witty comments over at mine!
Once again.....it is all about me!
Do you read all these comments?
Do hang in there....we are all pulling for you!
Happy New Year.....how does that sound?
Cheers!
Linda :o)
There is a woman by the name of Brene Brown, she studies shame. Interesting stuff.
ReplyDeleteEvery day that you make it through is a good thing. It will get better. Sending hugs.
My dear friend,
ReplyDeleteAnd what is this shame? We do not ask for depression to visit us, to dominate our lives. There is no shame in being ill. You know that your depression tells you lies.
We must not give guilt permission to sabotage our right to a peaceful, positive life. Your husband loves you.
I am alone, yet not alone. I do my best to be a positive distraction for others. Thus, when I'm hopefully of help, I also help myself.
I offer you that gift of empathy, dear friend. Respect and goodwill to you.
Think of 2014 as a fresh start, a new hope. You have friends and don't let the unfair stigma get the better of your spirit.
Gary
Here's to moving forward and making it one more day.
ReplyDeleteWhat's your favorite pizza toppings?
Gary's comment above is very wise. I wish you would speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend who is suffering. You would tell her that there is no shame.. not an ounce of it. Be that friend to your own self. You deserve the same kindness you'd offer outward. Extend it inwardly.
ReplyDeleteOne more day is one more day. Hang in there, dear sister.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best for the New Year Birdie. I agree with whats been said.. no shame.. no shame at all. stay hopeful.. much luv to ya
ReplyDeleteShame is such a shitty word. It rips away your power. Don't be ashamed to need help. Don't. It's truly the strong who realize when they need help and ask for it!
ReplyDeleteThere's an old Wide Mouth Mason song and the lyrics are "Why don't you treat yourself with the respect,
That you would give anybody else.
Why can't you be on your own side?
Get off your back a little while."
Treat yourself kindly as though you are a stranger. Be gentle to yourself.
And bitch, you lost 15 pounds over the holidays?! Jealous as hell over here! :)
Trying again to publish
ReplyDeleteOmg can't believe it, my comment has actually appeared. I have tried so many times to post. Am so computer illiterate its untrue. I can't believe the things you say Birdie, it like you mirror all the words that come out of my mouth. And think exactly the same thoughts as me. I am just about to drag myself out of bed to face another day of horrible ghastly depression. I have just spent 4 weeks with the home treatment team coming in every day to the house. (The idea to avoid a hospital admission). My meds have been completely changed. Anyway, do I feel any different - do I bloody hell!!! Take care, Birdie hopefully speak soon. Gill xx
ReplyDeleteWhen we are sick anywhere else in our bodies, we never feel shame. It shouldn't be any different when our brain becomes ill. I hope one day the stigma of mental illness is gone, so no one will ever feel this type of shame. Be kind to yourself, Birdie. You have done nothing wrong. I hope 2014 is a joyous one for you.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
There is so much wisdom in everyone's comments here. You have such great friends in your readers.
ReplyDeleteJust take it day by day darlin. By the way, I think you've discovered a new diet. I always gained weight when I had a bad bout with my demons.
I'm pretty new to your blog, Birdie, but I recognize some of the names of your friends. If they are calling you strong, it must be true! Keep hanging in there, my dear.
ReplyDeleteFelling ashamed is just silly. You have a hormone imbalance in your brain. I have a hormone imbalance in my pancreas (diabetes). You shouldn't feel ashamed any more than I should. You have an illness, not a character flaw!
ReplyDeletePLEASE stop trying to keep it a secret from people who can help (like health professionals)
Show your counsellor your blog. Please. It explains everything she needs to know - and it means you don't have to find the words when she asks the questions.
Big hug. Be well.
AJ
I can't even type 'feeling'. What do I know about anything? ;)
ReplyDelete