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| I know I have posted this picture before but I love it. Right now it is on my desktop. |
This grief, this sadness, this depression and anxiety is growing old. Did you know that other than my fiancé, my blog friends are the only people who really know how I am feeling? Strange thing, that. You are people who have become a part of me and are helping me through the shittiest time of my life. I am glad for you. There is a scripture in the Bible that says I thank my God every time I remember you. And I do.
As I sit here, not sleeping, clear-headed for the moment I am trying to figure some things out. First, why are so many of us depressed? Why are so many of us dealing with anxiety? Is it because people in general are anxious and depressed or is our common bond bringing us together? I must admit, when I read a blog where the writer is all fucking happy and shit I end up passing them by. Maybe I gravitate to you because I know you know the days of being curled in a ball and wondering what the point is and how how we are going to get up and do it again. Maybe you gravitate to me for the same reasons. You sure as hell aren't reading for my gut-splitting posts.
I am also trying desperately to be well and get better. My mom's dying and death was perhaps a catalyst. I don't know. Actually, I do. When she lay dying and even the time before, everything I thought to be true was thrown away. Things I would have staked my life on slipped through my fingers like vapour. So now, I am rebuilding but I have no idea where to start. And it is terrifying. Tonight I started researching panic and anxiety and I kept getting drawn to Mindfulness. Mindfulness and depression teaches the opposite of what we have been told. Instead of running away from depression and anxiety it teaches us to embrace it. I am not really sure what that means so I will be looking into it some more and let you know how it goes. If you know, please enlighten me. I just know at this point I really can't take this any more. Tonight is the first time in a while where I am feeling like the the Black Dog is not going to win. I am really uneasy about what tomorrow brings because lately he has been showing up every damn day but it is so nice to come up for air. Maybe at the end of the day we can get through this together.
A wonderful psychiatrist (whose funding was being stopped so I could only have one session with him) put me onto mindfulness a couple of years ago.
ReplyDeleteThe black dog hasn't ever gone away totally, but it doesn't get so close these days. I'd recommend you to try it. It cana't hurt and it might just help.
Hugs.
The only way I've fought depression successfully is with meds. I take them every day. But, I feel the need to do something else too. So I plan. It doesn't matter if the plan I make doesn't work. I just need to plan. Something, one small thing to do, to look forward to, etc. Like a craft, an outing to a museum or gallery, or anything else I like. To the mountains, to a mall where I people watch. To some place I have never been. A plan. And if I am able to follow through, then I plan something else. And congratulate myself. If I can't follow through, I make a simpler plan.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can see sun soon..
Elizabeth knows a lot about mindfulness practice.
ReplyDeleteI think that having moments of clarity and peace- even if they are literally moments- is a sign that there is hope. I am glad, so glad, you had one. I hope it continues today. And if it doesn't- well, you had it. There will be more.
I think the whole reason that generations before us didn't suffer with anxiety and depression is because they were too busy and too tired. The problem with the world today is that we are all inside our heads way too much.
ReplyDeleteI got through crippling anxiety by getting out of my head and into my body. I started working out more and I started identifying my feelings. If I was anxious, I'd say "Holy cow I'm anxious" and then I'd tell myself this key thing.
It's only a feeling. It won't kill me and it won't last forever.
I highly recommend you do some guided relaxation meditation. I downloaded one from iTunes and I'm telling you, it's saved my life more than one thousand times. Another thing that saved me was moving to the country to a slower paced life. It forced me to slow down.
Man, I should have just emailed you...this is kind of long!
I think you are right about gravitating to others that can relate to our feelings, it helps to know that there is others who do not judge or pass us over because we are not all cheery and great, so hang in there and embrace the good days along with the bad and know when you are sad so am I and will be here for you always :]
ReplyDelete"When she lay dying and even the time before, everything I thought to be true was thrown away. Things I would have staked my life on slipped through my fingers like vapour. So now, I am rebuilding but I have no idea where to start."
ReplyDeleteRebuilding: You start one day at a time.. because you are growing into who you really are meant to be ...throw away all the illusions and search deep within ...ignore all past influences
This process is not an easy road..but is necessary..to find YOUR true self and happiness...
I will end with this " I was once suffering like you, spent years on medications then realized its a morphing of sorts like a butterfly emerging...
~~Blessings~~
I can tell you of two books that have literally changed my life both by Eckhart Tolle...The Power of Now and A New Earth. Some people call them really new age but they are not to me. They are the most common sense books (in a way) that I have ever read.. you should read The Power of Now first. I have not said this before Birdie because of your deep grief but you truly need to change your mindset...we create so many negative thought cycles that just play again and again in our mind. We have to learn how to turn that cycle off. Your mother's death (and my dad's) changes everything so dramatically that you have no choice but to change the cycle...this post is a first step for you...glad to see it! xo
ReplyDeleteI was so happy that you had a clear headed space. For myself, the rebuilding/re-inventing goes on day after day. Small steps. I try very hard not to go backwards, but sometimes that happens too. It appalls me how easy and how fast the slide into despair is, and how much hard work the climb out again is. Just the same, despite the work, it is worth every step. We are here - cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteMy black dog comes and goes. Mostly, I don't really care about being alive, but it doesn't stop me living anyway. I used to have a bottle of pills, just in case, but I kept them for so long they became useless.
ReplyDeleteThat's me all over.
Your depression will pass or maybe just turn low-grade and permanent, as in melancholia, but whatever it does, you are saddled with it for now. I usually allow myself to sink into the misery for as long as it lasts. I have learned to live with and I know that there is always a day coming up where it gets easier.
I also find that physical exercise helps enormously. I go for a good walk and I come home much better than when I went out.
There is a homeopathic 'ball' in the pharmacopeia of dealing with depression called SEPIA... I have an friend who has taken it for five years every day... about 3 little balls (60 mg equivalent) at night and it makes each day a little brighter for her. You can get it at a health food store - Biobore makes it. Please try it.
ReplyDeleteThere must be something in the air this year - I'm also coping with workplace bullying and it is vile. The most important thing is to speak out and have a voice. It's helping me to manage the depression that sets in when being bullied. That and a good shrink.
ReplyDeleteBreathe deep, speak truth, and know that you can outrun the black dog, even when it's a marathon run.
Depression is such a tricky thing, isn't it? I think mindfulness, or the ability to embrace your depression is really helpful when the root of it is an underlying issue. Those things we either pretend are all acceptable but deep within is killing us, or those things we totally deny. It isn't until we come face to face with our demons, whether they be from within or without, ad they can be accepted as a part of ourselves (even the ugly stuff) and then dismantled and recreated into a positive force.
ReplyDeleteWho doesn't suffer from anxiety and depression throughout their lives? If a person says or acts like they don't, they are lying.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok and normal to be depressed after such a huge thing has happened to you. It would be weird if you weren't! Just know that there is a light at the end of it. You'll get there :)