Well here i am at the blood donar clinic. I wont be using punctuation or spell check. The guy beside me keeps shaking his leg. STOP!!!!!!!! OK, He is gone now. Those of you that know me know about my fear and hatred for giving blood and yet here i am. My turn is next so ihavr to go. Mommy !!!!!

That One Pound Sounds Nice Now!

1/4 of a pound.  4 ounces. .113 of a kilogram.  That is all I am down this week.  Bah.  I will say I am feeling great.  Even though I am not even down five pounds yet my clothes are just a teeny bit looser.  Today I rode my bike to the office and home then to my TOPS meeting then home.  Both times I loathed peddling uphill and loved coasting downhill.  Everyday this week I tracked my food.  Everyday I ate lots of fruits and vegetables and whole grains so I am proud of myself.  When I spoke to a dietician this week I felt a lot better about the direction I am going.  Even if I do not lose 50 pounds in one year I am heading in the right direction by choosing healthier foods.  Let's face it, there are a lot of people out there that weigh a healthy weight but are not at all healthy.  The goal for me is to stop eating mindlessly and to control emotional eating.  I need to try to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet during the fall and winter when they are harder to come by.  I need to do this.  I have been overweight for far too long!

Labyrinth

I got off work this morning at 8:00 and was very tired but decided to stay awake because I never have any weekend days to do anything.  Every weekend is spent either working or sleeping.  I love my job, I do but sometimes it is a drag to never have a weekend off.  All the cool activities take place on the weekend.  That said, I am so glad for my job.  This weekend my client was in a lot of pain and I was able to set the ball rolling for it to be dealt with.  My client's spouse is having a very difficult time keeping up with the demands of caring for a partner that is dying and I was able to bring love, compassion and understanding and a shoulder to cry on.  Before I leave a home I always ask if I can give a hug to anyone in the home who looks like they can use a hug. (And who doesn't?)  More often than not the person ends up crying on my shoulder. It is hard for family and friends to care for someone in the last stages of living.  Sometimes a hug is the outlet they need to finally let go of some of the overwhelming emotion. And, I give a damn good hug! So yes, I love my job but people do not die Monday to Friday, 9 - 5 with time off for coffee and lunch breaks.  When I am in a home caring for someone it is 12 hours of being awake and ready to serve. 


Anyway...
Because I elected not to sleep today, I went here.  A labyrinth!

It takes about 10 minutes to walk all the way through.  Walking through is a meditation. Though I am very tired from being awake for the last 24 hours I am glad that I had the opportunity to go.  It was so lovely. This is a place I will go to again and again. 


And ug... I weigh in tomorrow.  Even though I did very well this week I feel like I may have gained.  This week I made a Southwestern tomato chicken soup with brown rice, black beans and lots of veggies.  For the first time I made a Thai noodle salad made with whole wheat pasta.  Both were made with little or no sodium and both were delicious.  I ate loads of fruit and vegetables this week as well.  I am drinking 4 -6 cups of iced green tea (decaf) everyday.  

So why do I feel like a sow at a country fair? Oh, well.  I am much cuter and smarter than a sow.  And I didn't have to give birth to 20 babies at once. And I am funny and can guarantee you the sow in this picture has never had a funny thought in her life. Poor thing.   I mean my god.  Look at her!  That is a life of misery.  Bloated every single day.  You know how bad bacon is for you but what if you are bacon?  What hope is there? The little curly tail is somewhat enviable. 
The Ungrateful Bastard still has fleas.  He growls at me when I try to de-flea him.  Maybe I will get a recording of his growls because it is funny as hell.  It reminds me when a two year old gets angry.  It is so cute and funny and it just pisses him off more if I laugh.  
OK, time for dinner.  I need to heave myself off the couch and go eat something.  Or sleep.  And I better not record the Ungrateful Bastard growling at me or I might get reported for animal cruelty even though I am trying to help him.  He is evil and would report me to the authorities is he had thumbs.  But alas, he doesn't.  Thank god. 

An Award

Debra, fellow Canadian blogger at She Who Seeks awarded me with this award.  Thank you, Debra! Go over and say hello. I will wait...


Now I am supposed to say 7 things about myself.  I have been wanting to do a re-introduce myself post as I have several new followers so now is a good time as any.


1. I work in the community doing palliative care.  I work the night shift, 8 - 8.  


2. I have two teenage children.  My son is 16 and my daughter is 14.


3. We live in a house that my fiancé and I bought last year.  I love my home.  It is nothing fancy and that is one of the many reasons I love it.


4. In September I am going to start taking courses to get my palliative accreditation.  It will take minimum of two years.


5. I have an allergy to latex that requires an epi-pen.  I have to be very careful not to come in contact with it as it could kill me.


6.  I am a highly sensitive introvert.  I love nature and all things quiet and serene. Sometimes being inside overwhelms me so I sleep outside when the whether permits. 


7. I write something about my life everyday, even if it is only a few sentences. 


OK, I know some people don't like awards so if you want to do this, grab the button and go to it!  

My Cats Have Fleas!

I have man-hands in this picture.

Trying to not be evil.

Oh, my god.  It is an infestation.  Both of my cats are crawling in fleas.  You know when you turn them over and you can see dozens of the vile creatures? It is so gross! Norbert (the Ungrateful Bastard) has never had a single flea before.  I would like to say he caught them on purpose but he has been so miserable.  Both cats have been scratching and biting at themselves endlessly.  Norbert, the poor baby even has open wounds on his belly from biting himself. So, today they got a flea bath.  I washed them first with Dawn detergent then rinsed,  then washed them again with more Dawn soap and lavender essential oil.  Lot of essential oil.  The fleas were falling off.  After they were bathed there were still fleas so I had to resort to an insecticide. I feel sick about it.  That shit is so toxic but what choice do I  have?  *sigh* I do want to say that even though Norbert hates baths, he tries very hard to be a good cat.  He only tried a couple feeble attempts at escape.  The rest of the time he just sat in the sink and waited for the torture to end. Right now both cats are sleeping on the couch.  Both exhausted from their bath.
At TOPS I lost 1 pound.  One lousy pound. Even though 1 pound a week is my goal I am annoyed.  Fucking celery.  How can you resent a vegetable?  I am not sure but I resent celery tonight. 

Work is Interfering with Blogging

I really need more time in my day or win the lottery because I don't have enough time to blog.  It is summer and my kids are not in school. There are no activities to drive them to so I should have oodles of time. I was in a new client's home this week and did not have Internet access.  Last week I was on a hot spot so it is unlikely I will ever be able to blog from work again.  Oh, well.
I am weighing in tonight.  Of course I am hoping I am down.  Maybe I will be at my goal weight!  Maybe I will have lost 47 pounds this week.  Likely not.  Wouldn't it be nice for fat to come off as easily as it went on?  I will tell you about a book I found.  It is based on the Buddhist belief of Mindfulness and it is life changing.  I have already incorporated Mindfulness into other areas of my life and I can't believe I did not consider it when eating.  It is only natural that I need to be Mindful about food as well.   My problems are not about knowing about what is a healthy choice or how much to eat.  My problem is WHY and HOW I eat.  I will keep you posted.  So far, (and I hate this term) it is and Aha! moment.  Why didn't I realise this sooner?  
I dug out my bike this week but the tires are flat so I need to go get an air pump today.  My goal is to ride my bike to my TOPS meetings.  They meetings are not too far so I am pretty sure I won't keel over dead.  If I never post again will know that I either died of a heart attack or got run over.  

The Equator

How is it that some of you can live 3 blocks from the equator?  It was 28 C today.  That is about 82 F. Maybe I have just spent too many winters on the west coast of Canada.  When I was 20 I went to Los Angles and I thought I was going to die.  Not just "ha ha I think I am going to die" but "I have heat stroke and I am vomiting with the worst migraine of my life" going to die  I think it was 104 F in the shade.  Having no health insurance I decided to just wait to die and besides, I couldn't stand up and get into the car.  It was probably the sickest I had ever been.  It didn't help that my now ex-husband didn't want to run the air conditioner in the car because it consumed too much gas.  Being the good submissive Christian wife I did not argue.  (Yes, it may surprise you to know I was at one time a good submissive Christian wife.  I was 20 so let's just leave it at that.)  Anyway, I am off topic as usual.  I was so sick and I vowed I would never move to any place hot.  My heart called for home. 
Because it was so hot today I bought one of those cooling neck wraps.  I love it already!  Already my body temperature is going down.  It was cheap and I have already ordered more. So how is it that you all do it? How do you live in the heat? You must have a secret because you are clearly walking around and fine.
We went to the nursery today and picked up some goodies so now that is it 7:55 and cooling down I am going to go into my yard and plant some lavender and blueberries.

Yippee!

See my little girl up on my ticker?  She is moving because I weighed in tonight and lost 3 pounds!  And if anyone says it is "water weight" you are going to get a smack because I planned my meals ahead this week and made several different healthier choices.  Three pounds that I worked for!  I will say I made way too much minestrone soup.  I still have half a pot left.  I am going to freeze the rest tomorrow.
Another thing I did this week is track every single thing I ate.  I am going to go about this weight loss by tracking calories but also being aware of my fat intake, carbs and protein.  I am using Spark People to track my intake and exercise as well as this. I do not like the word diet but for all intents and purposes that is what it is.  I am trying to change my diet to a healthier one.  Last week while I was tracking my food I realized how often I eat emotionally. Apparently I sit on the couch for a lot of my meals. When I am at work I look forward to eating as a way of breaking up the night.  I also eat to help myself cope with grief.  Even though I am not writing about it much I am still having a lot of issues around the death of my mom.  It is so much more than just her being dead and gone from this world.  Her dying turned my entire belief system on its ear.  The God who I thought I knew is no longer.  It is taking a long time to right things and since I don't have a strong Cornerstone I am turning to food. My biggest hurdle with this journey will be so much more than getting fit or thin.  It will be about diving deep to control my addiction to food. Food is what I use to make me feel better and that needs to change. The more mindful I become of why, when, how and what I eat the closer I will get to my goal.  
Well, my intention was not to write all this but there it is anyway.  

I am Going to Hell For This

Don't tell anyone but I am at work right now.  It is coming up four in the morning and the person I am caring for is sleeping peacefully.  I am so freaking hot that I have taken my shoes and socks off.  I have never blogged at work before and I know I am going to go to hell because of this post.
My attempt at losing weight is going terribly.  I am so hungry that I want to rip someone's head off.  I thought I had planned properly but I am obviously not eating enough. On my days off I made a huge pot of vegetarian minestrone soup that was very good but I need more than soup! I also made hummus and cut up a few hundred pounds if veggies but I am still hungry.  It is making me cranky.  Because I work odd hours it is hard to plan meals.  For instance, I have no access to a way to heat up a meal right now. Let me get honest here. I also happen to love Doritos.  And chocolate. Bah.  I don't know.  I feel like Evelyn Couch in Fried Green Tomatoes when she says I wish I had the courage to get it over with and get really fat.  
Well, I am feeling guilty so I need to go.  I am off at 8:00 this morning and I will not stop on the way home for donuts. 

Starting Now!

I am so far behind in reading your blog posts.  When I went on my mini-holiday I brought my laptop along but when I had trouble connecting wirelessly I decided to not fix it and just enjoy my Internet-free holiday. There is no way I can read back for more than a week so I am just going to have to start now.
My big news is I joined TOPS last night.  TOPS is a weight loss group similar to Weight Watchers in that they have support but I do not have to put out the almost $60.00 a month.  Each week I will weigh in and then there is a 30 minute talk on living a healthy lifestyle.  My goal is to lose 50 pounds by this time next year.
I have been busy, busy, busy today and now I am off again to take my daughter to an eye appointment. 

A Mini Vacation

It started out raining. 

And it rained. 

And it rained. 

And it rained some more.

But we do live in a rainforest so I can't complain. 

The sun finally came out on our last day!

And so did a snake. 

But it started acting all weird so put it down.

A hive of demons.  ( I hate wasps!)

One of the things on my Bucket List is to go up in a lighthouse.   This one is closed so maybe another day. 

Me.

There were some strange houses.

It must be fun to live in such a unique home. 

On our last evening we went for dinner.  This is the view from the patio. 

A game of chess. 

A program on the Island to cut down the use of vehicles. 

Sunset. 

Doesn't this country cottage look lovely?  Look how the ivy covers the outside making it look inviting.  Well don't be fooled!  I give this house 3 months before the ivy cracks the foundation and the house crumbles.  Yes, I am still pulling this shit out. I hate it.  Even though I am wearing gloves my arms are scratched all to hell.  I look like a cutter. Here in my arm.  I have no idea why it looks so long. 

A couple weeks ago I ordered this.  It is a sprinkler that is motion-activated to keep deer from eating my garden but it will keep The Ungrateful Bastard out as well.  I can't wait to see him going in to take a dump on my radishes.  It will be so funny! 

I want to thank all of you for the love you send to me. Today I was thinking for the movie Babe and I remembered this song.  I am sending it to all of you. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1aAqnqBOnE

If I Had Words 

If I had words to make a day for you, 
I'd sing a morning golden & true 
I would make this day last for all time 
then fill the night deep with moonshine. 
If I could make a day for you 
I'd give you a morning golden & true 
I would make this day last for all time 
then fill the night deep with moonshine.

Mama Told Me There Would be Days Like This...and damn I wish she was here.  When my mom was alive I talked to her everyday. Sometimes several times a day.  I would phone her to complain about my acne and crows feet.  I called her to tell her about some cute capri pants I found at the thrift store.  When the kids made me groan or made me proud I would call my mom.  I called her to complain and I would call her when I was sad.  I called her when something made me happy or angry. 
Now that she is gone I miss talking to her so much.  Right now I am going through hot flashes, urine leaking and other things  I can't believe how much I miss her.  Please don't say I can still talk to her because I can't.  It is not the same at all.  I want to hear her voice.  I want to hear her laugh at me when I say I peed in my pants a little.  It would be wonderful to hear her tell me what it was like for her when she was 41. 
There are many things that I do not have any peace with regarding my mom's dying and death.  I don't have it in me to write about her last 4 days of living. I feel like I let her down in so many ways but I can't write about it yet.  I have not had the courage to tell you about how horrible her Celebration of Life went.  
Lately, I guess I can say I am feeling better but only because I have had to resign myself to the fact that she is dead.  There is no place of "acceptance" as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said.  (Incidentally, did you know Kubler-Ross only ever interviewed seven people?  Hospice workers are now saying the whole 'Five Stages of Grief' is wrong. Her work was never based on anything other than how seven people who were dying felt.  She never interviewed people who had gone through a loss. Yes, there are five feelings people may or may not feel when grieving but there are also dozens of other feelings as well. If you want to read more on this topic this go here.)
So this is how I have been feeling.  Just one foot in front of the other because I have no other options and I do still have so much to live for.  But damn, I wish I could phone my mom right now and ask her if she ever peed in her pants a little. 

Taking a Break From Getting Nothing Done

Monday is generally my catch-up/housework day.  I got up at six this morning to get started on laundry.  From there I read blogs and have been doing housework ever since. Not a one thing has been done.  How is that possible?  I start on a task and then notice something else that needs to be done and get side-tracked.  In one case, I went to change the sheets on my bed.  When I got out the clean bed sheets I noticed that the linen closet was a mess.  The garbage needed to be taken out when I noticed that the glass recycling needed to be sorted and then that reminded me that I have a bag to take to the thrift store at the recycling depot.  When I did a load of laundry I noticed some books that I had put on the washer and went to take them to the bookcase and noticed that I could probably purge a few and take them to the thrift store while I was at it.  Now I have spent almost 6 hours and it doesn't look like a thing has been done.  The bed has been de-sheeted but that is it.  I need a maid.  Or the ability to organize myself.
So, I am mostly out of my grouchy mood.  I am about 75% better. My dad called me last night and told me that a tree fell on his house.  He was not in the same room so he was not hurt and his insurance will cover the damage.  Maybe my mom was letting him know he needed to put on a new roof. 
Well, the washing machine has beeped so I am going to go hang the clothes on the line.  I have no doubt I am going to get very distracted and find something else that needs to be done. 

Crabby and Cranky

What makes a person crabby?  There is nothing out of the ordinary going on but I am in a cranky mood.  I worry I am just becoming an old bag.  Soon I will be yelling at the people going for walks by the front of my home.  I will complain at restaurants.  I will write letters to the newspaper.  One of my problems is I let other people's negative energy get to me.  When will I learn? When will I not allow people into my heart too soon?  It makes me sad that my light can be so easily snuffed out by others.  Why can't it be the other way around?  Anyway, I am crabby. 
OK, onto other subjects.  Does anyone else think the pictures of numbers on the word verification are creepy?  They look like house numbers.  
I need to go get ready for work.  Sleep well, blog friends.


It is now about 12 hours later and I am still in a bad mood.  Even the chirping birds are pissing me off.  Is it just me or does anyone else have days when you hate everything?  Here are some things that I hate right now.

• Having to pee every 20 minutes when I drink water.
• It won't stop raining here.  My garden is going to drown.
• TV and all the stupid reality shows.  Why is everyone so mean to each other and why are people watching it?  Bullying is alive and well and people are eating it up despite what people think.
• There is nothing to do in my city.  You either go to the bar or go to the bar.  When there are things to do they are on the weekend but I can't go because I have to work.
• My fiancé is talking and talking right now and I just want to sit and blog. (Sorry my love, I know you read this blog.  I love you very much but I am in a foul mood today.)
• I am sick to death of political correctness.  If I say something that is not politically correct it is not because I am a bigot or racist. It does not mean that I think I am better than anyone.  I am just saying words that were OK to use in my day and I can't keep up with all the right ways to say things.
• Yogurt commercials and the size zero women they use to try to convince to me to eat yogurt. (Just as I typed that a Danone commercial came on.)
• Newspapers.   
• Crappy drivers.  I am good driver.  I have never even been in a fender bender nor have I ever had a speeding ticket and it pisses me off that I have to pay so much for insurance.

I am going to stop now.  I hope my mood improves.  I am going to go to bed and take an Ativan. 

My Day in Bullets

• Saw a man walking up the road dressed in red spandex from head to toe pushing a shopping cart full of cans.
• Called the vet regarding the cat in my previous post. They got a hold of the owners.
• I got a new phone.  It is a land line and has a cord.  I don't know what most of the features are for.
• Picked my kids up as school.  Last day! 
• Took my kids to an eye appointment.  My daughter decided to get contacts instead of glasses.
• Made "compost tea".  It consists of putting finished compost into an old pillow-case, letting it sit overnight in a large bucket of water.  It is supposed to be very good for vegetables.  Will see.
• Went out for Indian food but felt ripped off because I wanted the owner to be more like Babu Bhatt. 
• For some unknown reason I am grieving the loss of my mom.  Time is not healing.  I just miss her more.
• I ate a banana.  I hate bananas.
• Norbert (the Ungrateful Bastard) is grounded for killing birds.  He is not allowed to go outside after 4:00 in the afternoon as it is his witching hour.  
• My fiancé wants me to stomp on any carpenter ants that I see but I feel terrible any time I kill anything.  I wonder if I can set up an ant relocation program?  I guess they will just find their way back. *sigh*   

Does anyone know how to fix this?  I am currently following a lot of blogs but ever since the last restructure of Blogger I can no longer follow them in the same way.  Since there is no longer a "Follow" button I am forced to use the Google Friend Connect button.  I now have two different lists.  I am now showing up as "Birdie" but also under a profile that I only use for a book club forum.  Is anyone else having this problem?


This is now fixed!  Thank you!! 


Jeannie said...You can follow without the follow button. Highlight the web address (the main only, without the specific page info) you wish to follow, CTRL C (copy). On your dashboard, under Reading List, click the ADD button. in the URL box, CTRL V to paste. And done.

Isa from The M Chart awarded me with the Sunshine award!

Here are the details:

The Sunshine Award is given by bloggers to bloggers. The recipients of the Sunshine Award are "Bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogosphere."

The way the award works is this:

Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them.

Answer 10 questions about yourself. 
Select 10 of your favorite bloggers, link their blogs to your post and let them know they've been awarded the Sunshine Award!
Don't forget to copy and paste the award on your blog!


10 Questions: 

Favourite Colour? Strange but my favourite colour changes.  At this moment it is pink. In an hour from now it could be something else. 


Favourite Animal? Cats and Crows


Favourite Number? 9  (I love the 9 X's tables.)


Favourite Drink? I drink a lot of water.  I also love skim milk. 


Facebook or Twitter? Don't like either. 


Good Book or Good Movie? Book.  Always a book. 


My Passion?  My garden, genealogy, reading, chocolate, 


Giving or Getting Presents? Giving.  (honest!)


Favourite Day? Sunday


Favourite Flowers? Sweet Peas


Now, 10 blogs to pass this on to.... If you like it feel free to do it. :-)

Poor Kitty

While driving today I noticed a cat near the edge of the road.  It was just inches away from being hit so I got out of my car to shoo it away.  It was hiding in the grass so if anyone came along it was sure to get hit.  When I went to shoo it away the poor thing just looked up at me and meowed.  I got closer to it and it just kept looking up at me.  I petted it and the poor thing was all skinny and dehydrated.  He allowed me to pick him up so I decided to take him home.  My daughter held him in her coat while I drove and I was thinking how bad of an idea it was to take it home.  The cat was obviously sick and I knew my two cats would not welcome another cat into the fold, especially a sick one.  I was going to take it to the SPCA but decided against it because they have made a name for themselves for being over-the-top rude.  Instead I took it to the nearest vet where they could at least try to find it's owner.  When I got there the vet said kitty needed immediate medical attention and they were going to contact the owner and if they could not get a hold of them it would be surrendered to the SPCA.  They weird thing?  The vet had this look like she thought the cat was mine and I was just getting rid of it.  I understand that people do this all the time but I really am just a cat-lover/concerned citizen.  I was about to get my credit card out to pay for whatever the cat needed.  You know that guilty feeling when you haven't done anything wrong? This has happened to before and I don't get it.  Until it can be proven that I am a piece of shit, don't treat me like one. I would never leave a distressed animal by the side of the road.  Anyway, I did leave my name and phone number because the cat was beautiful and I want to know how he fares.  

My kids are not loving being grounded.  My son had to cut the lawn today and got all pissed off when I didn't say "thank you".  Seriously.  Yet another First World Problem.  I am really looking forward to the Child Labour essays! 
What are your First World Problems this week?

Don't Piss Off Mama

 For the first time ever I have had to ground my children.  The lovely teenagers have not been very lovely this week.  I asked them on Wednesday to clean up downstairs.  I asked them again Thursday and on Friday.  Last night I went downstairs and nothing had been done.  I told them that I wanted it clean by the time I got home from work this morning.  (You know where this is going.)  They still didn't do a thing!  I am very angry at this point but I just got home from work and didn't have the energy to go wake them up and throttle  speak to them.  Instead, I sent an e mail. This is what it said. 

CHILDREN,

SERIOUSLY? YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD CLEAN DOWNSTAIRS AND IT IS A PIGSTY! I WANT IT CLEANED LIKE IT HAS NEVER BEEN CLEANED OR YOU WILL BOTH BE GROUNDED FOR THE FIRST WEEK OF VACATION. I AM TALKING VACUUMING, DUSTING, LITTER BOX, FLOOR WASHED, COUNTERS, DISHES...EVERYTHING!

I AM NOT HAPPY.

LOVE,

YOUR MOTHER

I got up this afternoon and it was still a mess.  I freaked.  Then I freaked out some more.  They are taking advantage of my easy-going personality.  Now they are both grounded.  No going out, no computers or IPOD.  I am making each of them write a one-thousand word essay on child labour.  I am also working on a lengthy list of chores that will be done this week.  If the list is not completed, they will be grounded another week. 

Don't piss off Mama.  

This could be my daughter.  (The video is a joke, it is not true.)

I mentioned in my last post that I had been sworn to secrecy about an upcoming event.  That event is not passed so now I can talk about it.  My sister got married on the weekend!  She and her partner have two children together and have been together forever.  They finally decided to get married as a surprise at my niece's first birthday party.  I was told because I had to get the time off work.  The ceremony was short and intimate.  They had their two daughters standing up with them and they all held hands. My sister, the thrifting queen had a gorgeous ivory dress on that she found second-hand.  Her husband was dressed in his typical casual style.  It was really nice.  I never thought my sister was going to have children, let alone get married so it was an extra special day.  
My papa (grandfather) celebrated his 90th birthday this weekend.  Bless his heart, he didn't recognize anyone.  Oh well, I think he had a nice time.  Unfortunately, I am still not feeling well and had to leave early.  My home toilet was calling.  
Not much else going on.  Kids are almost finished school for the year.  Yay!  I always love it when they are home.  I got these new books today.   Mind of a Raven, Gifts of the Crow,  In the Company of Crows and Ravens and  Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World.  They should keep me busy for a couple of weeks.  
What are you currently reading? 

Today I Should

I should get out of my robe and pyjamas.  I should eat something healthy for lunch.  I should vacuum the carpet.  I should put my clothes in the dryer.  I should change the sheets on the bed.  I should go get groceries.  I should go to the library and pick up my holds.  I should take a water sample from my hot tub to get tested.  I should water the plants in the green house.  I should brush my teeth.  I should pay the gas bill.  I should go by the Canadian Cancer Society and see if there is someone I can speak to about my dad.  I should unload the dishwasher.  I should call my dad.  (OK, I just did and he's not home.)  I should decide what I am going to wear this weekend to my Papa's 90th birthday (and another event that I have been sworn to secrecy not to tell.)  I should go buy my niece a gift for her first birthday.  I should mail my sisters birthday card.  (I guess I can do that later in the week.)  I should go buy my Papa some crossword books.  I should go pick up my prescription.  Wonder how many of these things will get done today? 


Update - I did all of the above except going to the Canadian Cancer Society (ran out of time), get crosswords for my papa    (the store did not have large print), get my niece a birthday gift (my sister told me not to), mail my sister's birthday card (I will do this later in the week). 

My Laptop is Going to Melt

The last few weeks I have been doing crappy posts.  My mind has been somewhat empty.  Or maybe it is just full and I can't organize my thoughts.  I don't know.
My dad is sick with a fever, likely related to all the invasive things that are going on with the prostate cancer.  I have a huge pile of information that be brought for me to read.  He is at a huge disadvantage as he has dyslexia and cannot read so he is not able to make informed decisions regarding treatment.  Again, as with my mom it will fall to me.  Not that I mind. I don't mind one bit but it would be nice if my brother and sister would step up to the plate.  When my mom was sick neither of them did a thing.  But, I am the responsible child and always have been.  If I stepped away neither of them would step in.  Things would just not get done.  How can I leave my dad to make treatment decisions on his own when he can't read?  Oh, well.  I really don't want to sound like I am complaining because I would go to the ends of the earth for my dad.  It would just be nice if his other children would too.  
I have been feeling sick to my stomach for about 3 weeks now.  I am drinking Pepto Bismol (my sister and I used to call it Pepto Shito) and eating toast.  I have no appetite.  No, I am not pregnant. (Horror of horrors!).  Maybe it is just stress.  Or a virus.  I don't know. 
My laptop cooling mat fan is no longer working so I have to cut this short before my laptop melts.  I can't even touch it on some parts it is so hot!

A Post Before Bed

I can't wait for this book to come out! If you love crows make sure you check the link.

 

 

WTF is a Rectocele?

Remember when you got your period for the first time?  Do you remember feeling embarrassed and worrying that someone might find out? You thought that nothing could top the feeling.  Remember your first pap?  Oh, the humanity! I mean come on! The word speculum alone is an atrocious word.  I am here to attest it can get worse.  Much, much worse. 
I saw my gynecologist last week.  (I can't believe I am going to actually tell you all about this.)  I have been having all sorts of fun with the hot flashes, night sweats, wanting to kill someone irritability, and a general feeling of crappy.  But I went to the gynecologist because well, I having been leaking urine.  Pissing myself.  Just small amounts mind you.  Just enough for it to be a bother.  We chat.  I can barely look her in the eye.  I mean it is embarrassing.  Up on the table I get with my piece of paper and hoping I remind her to not use latex on my bits because I will keel over dead right there.  She comes back and does whatever it was she needs to do and she tells me to push and I kid you not...  I peed on her! I. Peed. On. My. Gynecologist.  I have no dignity left.  None.  I gasped my apology and she (being totally awesome) tells me it is a gynecologist's office and it happens everyday.  OK.  OK.  I recover from peeing on her and then she does more "inspecting" and it turns out I have a rectocele.  WTF is a rectocele?  I don't even want to know.  I mean the word "recto" is telling enough.  I am feeling ill at this point. (If you want to know what it is, look it up.  It is too disgusting to talk about.  And I implore you, don't do an image search! gag)  It turns out that when I gave birth to my son the forceps did a number on me.  That and the episotomy and tearing really made a mess of things.  How lovely.  Now I am pissing myself and constipated.  Great. Should I be happy that this is repairable?  All I can think of is how this surgery is going to be done.  I just picture my ass up in the air while the rest of me is covered.  I really can't think on it now.  I thought I had hit the bottom of the barrel having my pap every year.  It turns out it can get worse.  Much worse.
So there you have it.  There is nothing more that I can share with you.  It can't get any worse.  

Maybe This is all Fiction...

OK, I don't have a crappy life.  I have two awesome teenagers that are so freaking amazing and never give me a moment of trouble.  (With the exception of my daughter's eye-rolling/sighing that started when she turned 13.)  At this moment my fiancé and I don't want to kill each other.  I also finally have a job that I love that pays well after not being able to afford food for many years. I have a beautiful home.  And a garden!  Deer walk through my front yard every evening. 
Yes, my mom died and cruel excruciating death.  It still hurts to breathe when I think about it.  I miss her every second.  Some days I think maybe this is just a bad dream and I am going to wake up and (yay!) my mom will be back sitting in her chair phoning me (for the 5th time that day) to tell me some inane bit of information about what is on TV or a recipe she saw on Rachel Ray.  (Oh, god I miss her.  Dear god, it hurts in a place that I did not know existed.  Kind of like when you have a baby and all of a sudden you have a love that you never knew was possible but this is the opposite.) Anyway...
Today my dad called and I get more news.  I sit like the proverbial deer in the headlights.  I already mentioned the possibility here.  It turns out my dad does have Prostate cancer.  And of course I think all the positive thoughts.  Low mortality rate. Highly treatable.  I heard all the same things when my mom was diagnosed.  But fuck.  I can't do this again.  But I do know that ovarian cancer is much more crappier that prostate cancer.  But seriously.  Fuck. 


PS- When I was looking up a suitable picture with the word "fuck" I found this picture and thought it was funny. 

Ah, my blog is being neglected.  I worked 48 hours in 4 days last week and 42 hours this week.  I am so tired!  I have also been out in my garden getting it ready for planting.  First it needed to be dug up from 6 years of overgrowth from the previous owner.  Then bags and bags of manure and compost.  It is nice soil though.  Lots of worms, spiders and bugs.  A few snails but I relocate them.  I also have my green house going now with all sorts of yummy treats.  I am looking forward to start planting everything.


I am doing OK otherwise.  The last couple of weeks I have been missing my mom.  It was her birthday and then Mother's day.  I have also been feeling a lot of guilt surrounding her last couple of weeks on earth.  I feel guilty for wanting her gone.  I also feel guilty for not relieving her from her suffering.  I can't remember if I blogged about all that went on in that time but she has three ports in each arm and two in each leg for all the different medication.  She had a colostomy bag because her bowel was blocked.  In the last week she had a tube down her throat to pump out bile because there was a tumour blocking her stomach as well.  I remember holding a bag for her to vomit in before the tube was put down her throat and trying not to throw up myself.  And I remember wanting her to die because she had nothing left. She couldn't even respond to us.  She weighed about 80 pounds. I feel guilty for wanting her to die and guilt that I could not assist her to die sooner. I really hope that one day Canada will change its laws so people who are at the point of no return and their family can make decisions that we give to our pets.  
  
I went to see "Noises Off" at our local live theatre yesterday.  It was so funny!  I want to see it again.  It was such a fast-paced play I know I missed things.
  
That is about it right now.  I am going to go try to catch up on your blogs. 

It is that time of the year where Spring has finally arrived in my city.  I have been in my garden everyday.  We don't get a lot of great weather here so I am going to take a blogging break and go outside and enjoy it.  I will try to stop in and read your blogs when I can.  


(30 minutes later... I am now back inside and it is pouring rain and hail.  Ha!  Oh well, I am still going to take a break.  I guess I will go clean the bedroom and bathroom. ) 

This Stirs Me!

"I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection."