A Surgery Date!

I went to my gynecologist appointment this afternoon and I got my surgery date.  I go in March 5.  It is only a 1 or 2 night stay but 5 - 6 week recovery.  If you have not been reading my blog for long it is surgery for putting my female parts back where they belong
. 
If you are a person who likes Too Much Information here you go...

http://www.webmd.com/urinary-incontinence-oab/tension-free-vaginal-tape-for-stress-incontinence-in-women

http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/repair-of-the-rectum-rectocele-or-small-bowel-enterocele

Two surgeries at once. Aren't I a lucky gal?

Did you grow up watching Andy Griffith?  Today, "Gomer Pyle" (Jim Nabors)  married his life-partner of almost 40 years.  I can't imagine being told that I could not have legally married my husband.  I am happy that he and his partner have been given this right. 

A Monday

Oh, I am looking forward to Spring!  It is so cold and dark and dreary.  I bought some African violets  Primula, a Spring perennial to brighten the dreariness.

And here are the groundhogs waiting for February 2nd.  And my other cat photo bombing.

This week I lost just shy of  another 2 pounds. (I reweighed myself later in the day and I lost 2.3 pounds.)

Now I am going to go clean the house. 

So, I Am Going To Be a Grandma

I have really appreciated all your comments and I have wanted to answer each of them personally but this whole thing has been overwhelming.  There is a good chance this baby could be born addicted and the thought of that makes my heart ache. There is an excellent chance this baby is going to be born malnourished and that also makes my heart ache.  This baby will be born at a low birth weight.  But what can I do? It is what it is. As the saying goes, you need a licence to own a dog or catch a fish...

But yes, I am going to be a grandma.  (It will be Nana for me.) I am just going to do the best I can.  I have bought my step-daughter some books of pregnancy and also one on breastfeeding. I have started looking around for a crib/basinette/change table etc.  Soon I am going to look for baby clothes and wee things that a baby will need.  Because, in the end this baby is really going to need the love of an extended family and it looks like I am up to bat.  And I don't mind.  In fact, aside from all the problems that this child may encounter I am actually looking forward to his/her arrival.  (I keep ordering children's books because I am going to read to this child!) I have so much love to give and this baby is going to never doubt my love.  When he/she is grown she will say, My nana loved me so much.  The same love that my grandparents gave me.  The same love my parents gave my kids. Come on baby, I am waiting. You are already loved. 

Do you know what this picture is?  Never mind.  Don't bother guessing because you wont be able to.  It is something only I could dream up.  It is a bag of M &M's tied up in a Nitrile work glove. Why?  Because I want to eat the whole bag. See how pathetic I am?  

 What else?  My dad is going to California for 2 months.  Canadian winters really do suck.  Like, a lot. 

 I found these pictures while perusing Amazon.  Holy shit. This is a cat muzzle.  My god.  If you have a cat that is so evil that it needs to be muzzled I would like to know how you are going to get a muzzle on it in the first place.  You have your choice of colours because that really matters to your cat. I can just imagine if I did this to the Ungrateful Bastard.  He gets in a murderous rage if I just look at him wrong. God save us all when you take it off the beast. 

This next picture is a cat bathing bag. It is of course, used to bathe your cat.  It also says, "Cat Grooming Bag also features two carrying handles and a convenient hanging hook." Does that mean I am allowed to stuff The Ungrateful Bastard in one of these bags and hang him up in the living room by the convenient hanging hook? We have a couple of those plant hooks on the ceiling. That would likely hold his weight. Can I carry him around the house by the handles?  That ought to make him love me. I wonder what would happen if I put him in the bag and the pink muzzle on him?  Before all you cat lovers throw up a hair ball, know that I won't do any of this.  No, I spend a great part of my day catering to Norbert and hoping he shows me even a small amount of affection. He sometimes lets me pet him. I am sure Oprah would say I should be grateful for that.  Though she is a dog person, right?  Figures. 

If You Like Hockey, Don't Read This Post

Ever since the NHL started back it has been playing non-stop on our TV.  I have said it before so you know where I stand on this issue.  My husband on the other hand loves hockey. There is not compromise on whether or not we watch hockey.  Anyway. meh

This morning I had my cystoscopy.  It sure wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be. It was uncomfortable because your bladder gets filled with saline but other than that it was quite simple.  The urologist said I definitely need surgery and it should be soon but I have to speak to my gynecologist first.  She is notoriously slow and goes on month long holidays ever other month. She also takes off the entire summer.  That means she works September, November, January, March and May. Yes.  It is going to be awhile.  She is a great gynecologist though so I don't mind waiting too much.  I just don't know just how much longer I can wait. 

The hockey game just ended and I was flipping around the channels and stopped on, "Toddlers and Tiaras".  That is some fucked up shit.  I can say this because I am a fatso myself but what they hell is up with all their mom's?  They are all fucking huge.  Are these women trying to live vicariously though their daughters? 

So this is my life.  You are all so clever and have such interesting posts.  You write poetry and take amazing pictures.  Your days are exciting. My posts are never clever or interesting.  Some days I just stare at the screen and have absolutely nothing to say.  Do  you really want to know that I clean the bathroom on Monday? Do you want to know I had meatloaf and spinach for dinner tonight? That I picked my kids up at school?  Yeah.  I didn't think so.

I slept most of the day away and I could have kept sleeping.  So tired. Tomorrow morning I am finally having a Cystoscopy.  The results will go to my gynecologist and from there I will get an appointment for surgery. Though I am not particularly looking forward to surgery I am looking forward to having everything back in place and working again.  The problems are affecting my everyday life.

So, it is January.  Two months (minus two days) until the First Day of Spring.  Today I am ordering a book on gardening in the Pacific Northwest. Our garden last year was not great. I do not have a green thumb at all.  It is the total opposite of green.  What is that? Red? Gray?  I don't know.  Everything I planted ended up dead.  Maybe I will learn something for this book. Or I will kill everything again.

My step-daughter is still not speaking to us.  I get updates via Facebook.  meh  According to FB she is eating.  Yeah.  That's all I have to say on that front.

It is that time of the night where I am supposed to be all parental and make something healthy to eat for dinner.  I am not hungry nor do I feel like cooking. I can cook, I just don't like it. Yes, laziness is a part of it. If I won the lottery I would hire a cook. (Have I mentioned that before? I am in a blogging slump.) There are chicken breasts in the freezer so I am sure I will come up with something.  But later. Not now.

Journaling and Grief

I am starting a course in a couple of weeks on grief.  It is for people who are past the initial stages of grief. For some reasons I am having nightmares about my mom dying again.  She died 16 months ago! They are gut-wrenching dreams that hang around my neck for days.  How can it be all this is coming up after so many months?  I thought I was over the worst but evidently I am not.  Honestly, it is worse than in the beginning is a lot of ways.  I should be over this, right?  The silliest things bring up this deep feeling of just feeling lost. As I said previously, there is no resolution or absolution.  I don't even want to post this because after all the writing I don't know that it has helped. 

What the hell is up with Pyjama Jeans? I just watched a commercial and it was like watching a car accident.  You don't want to watch but can't tear your eyes away.  Don't get me wrong, I like comfortable pants.  I am a fan of the "mom jeans" that have the waist that sit above the belly button but there is just something wrong about Pyjama Jeans. With all the shit happening on the planet it is going to be something like Pyjama Jeans that is going to send the whole damn planet off kilter forever. 

I went to see Lincoln this week.  It has taken me a few days to mull it over in my head.  First, I enjoyed it!  The initial theme of what Lincoln fought for and how he went about it was fascinating. The acting was excellent.  However, because I am Canadian there were parts that I just did not understand.  With the exception of the main characters, for most of the movie I had no idea who they were talking about.    Would I recommend the movie?  Definitely! 

Signing off on this post.  It has taken me all day to write it!  I have kept leaving and coming back. Time for some dinner. 

Well, last night I took my negative self to Al Anon.  It was, as always a good meeting.  We talked about an article from The Forum (the Al Anon magazine).  Sitting in a room of like-minded people always sets me back on the right path. It was especially nice because my mom's old sponsor was there.  I had not seen her since  before my mom died.  I expressed my gratitude to her for being such a good friend to my mom. 

Today we went on a day trip and had lunch out.  Normally I would have had a hamburger with cheese, fries and a Coke.  (Huge amount of points !)  Instead I had a chicken burger (open-faced) with a non-buttered bun, no mayo (which I never have anyway) and a side salad with a balsamic vinegarette dressing. You think I am going to say it was just as good, right? It wasn't. (I freaking love a hamburger and fries!) But it was very good.  One thing I have learned at Weight Watcher is when eating out decide what you will have ahead of time so I checked out their web-site.  It also says make a decision if it is just a meal out or a special meal out.  I made the decision that is was that it was just going to be a regular meal.  At the end of the meal it was only 5 Weight Watchers points. I can have 26 points a day.  In other words, I saved myself about 600 calories. Since starting just over 2 weeks ago I am down just shy of 5 pounds.  As I have said, I think this is a way of eating that I can actually learn to do and stick with.  I have never, ever felt that way about any diet before.  Yesterday I stared reading Women, Food and God and so far it is a lot of air with no substance. A lot of crying and carrying on about how horrible life was as a child and now we eat because of it.  The premise is true.  That is the way of addiction.  What I want to hear is your recovery not how eating a bowl of cold vegetable soup brings up memories of your childhood. Go to any second-hand book store and you will see stacks of diet books that were the book for six months until the next one came out.  Oprah is big on different diet books. Remember the Bob Greene one? She did a vegan diet too. Did she get on the Atkin's train?  South Beach?  It isn't just Oprah. I have got on then off different diets.  Who hasn't? 

Last night I had another terrible sleep.  I finally took a melatonin but had to wake up 5 hours later.  My daughter is travelling to the U.S. in February and I needed to mail away her application. The thing I had to do to get her a passport!  The whole process took several weeks because of all the hoops I needed to jump though.  When I was her age I could just enter the U.S.  Nobody needed a passport.  Anyway...it is just the way it is now. Nothing anyone can do about it.  

It is a weird week here because I am going to the movie again tonight.  My husband wants to see Lincoln so it will be another late night.  Will let you know how I like it.  I personally think it is going to have a very hard time competing with The Hobbit. 

I was up early(ish) this morning after being awake until 2:30.  At least that is what time it was when I last looked at the clock.  The world looks so gray and dismal when I am tired.  Or maybe it is all the issues of late.  Whatever it is, the world is gray and dismal this morning.  Every day I am trying to be happy and upbeat but I just feel a lot of dread.  I don't know.  Whatever, right? There is other shit going on that I just don't have the effort to write about in a post. I have writen it over and over and over and it is just fucking pointless.  Sometimes writing brings no resolution or absolution. 

My lungs feel deflated.  My eyes are heavy.  Fuck.  I don't know. Going back to bed.

Two Thumbs Up!

My kids have been begging me to go to see The Hobbit with them.  I have been putting them off thinking it would be a movie for young people.  I was pretty convinced would not like it.  Well, (and my kids are gloating) I loved it!  Loved it and want to go again!  If you are wondering whether or not to go, this movie has my approval. My kids and I are convinced The Ungrateful Bastard took lessons from Gollum. Look at his picture on my side bar and tell me there is not a resemblance.  Norbert acts like Gollum that if for sure.  Happy and sweet then then 3 seconds later he is trying to kill you. 

My son's friend that is a girl is sick with the Flu and her sister is in the hospital.  We had our Flu shots here but now I am worried my son is going to get it and bring it home. I just pumped him full of Oil of Oregano, Cold Fx and vitamin C.  Every time anyone comes in the door of the house I yell at them to wash their hands. How is everyone feeling in blogland? Has the Flu hit your house?

At the movie I had Coke to drink and now I am wide awake.  And I had a nap this afternoon. My son is on Skype with his friend that is a girl because he is worried about her.  And do you know what he did? Today I had to go speak to one of my daughter's teachers and when I came out of the school my son saw me and gave me a hug.  Right in front of all his friends. How nice is that?  I am proud of that boy.  Makes me feel like I am doing something right. 

Tomorrow is dentist appointment day for me and my kids.  Have I done a post on my special hatred for the dentist?  I take very good care of my teeth.  I brush and floss.  Only one cavity in my entire life!  There should be no reason to hate the dentist but I do.  Every time I end up getting a major headache and feeling nauseated.  bah  My dentist is awesome and so are the hygienists   Thank god my plan only covers a cleaning every 9 months. I should be grateful that I get to go at all but Oprah can go fuck herself on this form her gratefulness. And do you know what the weirdest part is?  I actually have an honours diploma in dental reception but after I graduated I could not bring myself to actually work in a dentist office.  It wouldn't help to have patients come in and me saying, "Fuck yeah...the dentist scares me so bad I have to take Ativan to get though it.  And what's up with that scraping of your teeth with a pointy metal object? Fuck that news."

OK, time for bed here.  It is 12:09.  I didn't stay up this late on New Year's eve. 

My husband and son are watching the car chase from the movie Bullet.  My god.  It is testosterone overflow.  If men that age really drove that way they would end up with fucked up spinal cords forever.  And who would have to deal with the complaining?  Yeah.  One guess.  Anyway, the sound is so loud and I am sitting here rolling my eyes and husband and son are acting like I do when I go to Costco. We all have our thing I guess.

To answer some of the questions about my step-daughter and her pregnancy.  


She is most definitely pregnant.  She says she has been to the doctor and this I believe.  She says her doctor is not giving her any pre-natal advice or suggestions.  That is a lie. She lies more than she tells the truth.  Her own mother is a head case. She lost custody and guardianship of her daughters and does not see them. My husband is adamant that she is not going to come live with us because this girl has been a handful since she was a teenager.  I mean, she was so "bad" that she was chosen to attend a program for the worst 12 kids in the city. My husband has gone to the ends of the earth and back for her. He has been there for her day and night and has never let her down. When everyone said to put her into foster care he stuck by her.  They stories I have heard about her are unbelievable. Personally, if she were my child I would have kicked her ass to the curb a long time ago.

Which brings us to the newest development. She is now no longer speaking to her dad because apparently he made a comment that she didn't like. He is not sure what he said as he is only receiving this information second hand through his other daughter. It was her b-day this week and he gave her a gift.  No phone call to say thank you.  Nothing.  She is apparently done with us.  I kid you not.  This girl is the single most selfish and ungrateful person I have ever met. That said, I sent her a couple of books on pregnancy through Amazon because all I can hope is she will get some proper prenatal care. 

I did go to Al Anon last week and got myself straightened around.  For all intents and purposes we are washing our hands of this.  She nor this baby will never come to live with us.  We cannot continue to enable her.  No doubt she will call her dad when she wants something. She always does. This is his road.  He will need to decided what to do when that happens. And god, this is going to be hard. But it is her row to hoe. She better get at it.

The News That Has Us Derailed

So, here it is.  The thing that I have been stressed about.

My 23 year-old step-daughter came to us to let us know she is pregnant.  She "thinks" she knows who the father is.  She is a "vegetarian. Her idea of being a vegetarian is just not eating. She is about 5'2 and weighs about 90 pounds.  She is smoking and drinking. If my instincts are not wrong, she is doing drugs... 

I am sick about it.  I want her to have an abortion but she is almost 5 months along and I don't know if she can get one.  If she tells the doctor that she is drinking, doing drugs etc. she may be able to get one but I am pretty sure wants to keep this baby. According to her, she still doesn't know what she wants to do. 

This girl knows nothing about life. She quit school so doesn't even have her grade 12.  She can't hold down a job. 

A baby is supposed to be brought into a home of love but she is kidding herself if she thinks she can do this. What kind of woman starves herself, drinks, smokes and does drugs while pregnant?  She won't even take prenatal vitamins because it is against her ethics of being a vegetarian. She has never even babysat.

If she keeps this baby I know the raising will fall on me and my husband and oh, I would love to me a grandma but not at 41 and not like this.  My god, this baby is probably already fucked up. And the poor thing is going to be brought into chaos.

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be a mom again. No doubt she thinks a baby will be someone to love and all that shit but this girl can't even rent a room without getting kicked out.  I do not want her to come and live with us. The mommy in me would love to have a grandchild but not now ( my kids are 15 and 16) and not like this.  I want to tell her to quit being a fuck-up and get her shit together but I might as well be speaking to a fucking wall. 

I am lost as to what to do.  

Outside My Window

Snow! This was not in the forecast but oh! isn't it pretty?  It may waylay my plans to go to Al Anon tonight but I will have to see. The picture with the candle is a picture of my mom when she was young.  And the leaf in the frame in the window was taken from the exact spot where my husband and I got married. I brought it home and pressed it between wax paper. 

My lovely daughter received some exciting news this afternoon.  She has been Highland dancing since she was little but last year she had to give it up because her teacher retired without telling us. My daughter was heartbroken.  She had been getting ready to go to Scotland for the world championships.  This afternoon I received an e mail inviting her to be a part of a Highland dancing team for advanced Highland dancers. Yay!

It is almost time to cook dinner and I am just not in the mood.  If I won the lottery I would hire a cook. However, since I don't even buy tickets I will take myself to the kitchen and stare into the fridge like a teenager and hope something appears. 

The devil cat has killed three birds since Thursday.  Today I stepped out on to the deck and there was a dead bird laying there all mangled.  It was just a little bird with yellow.  Of course I freaked and Norbert went running.  I am told that cats just do this out of instinct but I think Norbert does it to be a bad cat. He thinks it is funny.  He does it because he is a bully and for meanness.

Today was a write-off.  My Auntie Flo is here.  God, she is a bitch.  I figure she will be dead in about 10 years and I can't wait.  Either that or I will beg for a hysterectomy. I just know I an getting too old for this. It would be nice to go back to the caveman days where I could be sent to a tent for 5 days and I could just sleep. I say bring back that practice now only I want wireless and chocolate.  

Oh! I forgot to mention that I got a raise last pay cheque.  (After working 1800 hours.) How nice is that?  For the first time in my life I am making a fair and living wage.  Now to work off paying off my line of credit.  bah

Al Anon tomorrow night and do I ever need it. This latest crisis is stressing me out. 

Well, the stress I wrote about in my last post has not resolved even a little.  (Not that it can be resolved.) I will tell you all and it will be soon. This is the sort of thing where I need my mom.  She wouldn't have a solution but she would be there to listen.  It isn't anything like someone has cancer or is dying but it is a problem that has blind-sided my husband and me. It is going to be life-changing and not in a good way.  And it pains me to say that because it does not have to be that way.  My apologies for being so evasive and secretive. 

Went to Costco (again) today.  Normally I sleep on Sundays as I have just got off work but last night they called my in to do an evening shift instead of a night shift. They were desperate for workers so I worked 3 1/2 hours and got paid for 10.  Sweeeeeeeeeet!  I was off at 10:30 and got to sleep in my bed.  I dragged my kids to go with me to Costco.  Going shopping with them is always fun. (I am not even being sarcastic!) We always have the best conversations when we go grocery shopping. 

Taking the tree down today.  Right now I am sitting staring at it and hoping it will just go away.  It would be great just to stick it in the shed as it is and take it out again next year. 

This is a picture of my scale but NOT what I weigh!

Here I am eating veggies and loving it.  I tried making a creamy dip from the Weight Watchers site and it is so good. It is made from no-fat Greek yogurt and no-fat sour cream.   I adapted it a bit but it is so good! If you want the recipe just ask and I will send it to you.  I am not supposed to weigh in until Sunday but I could not pass up standing on the scale while getting dressed for work.  I am down 2 pounds which is impressive because I am going to start my period any second. The crazy thing is I am eating way more food than I normally do. You will see that I put my tracker back up so you can follow along with me.  Right now I have a goal of 10 pounds for a short term goal but I have gone back to my original goal of 50 pounds.  My doctor had said that a healthy weight for me is 145 so I will see how I feel when I get there but I am pretty sure I want to lose 50.  I bet you are wondering what I weigh now! HA!  Not telling anyone right now but I will when I get closer to my goal.

We had some news delivered to us that I can't share yet and I am feeling incredibly stressed.  It goes to show that there are so many things I can't control. Hubby and I are both very upset as well as angry. People get themselves into situations that they could have easily avoided and end up causing so much heartache. 

There is nothing else to report even though the above paragraph is going to change our lives in a huge way. For that reason, I am quite glad that there is nothing else going on.  If you could, please send good energy, good thoughts or whatever it is you believe in our way.  We are really going to need it. 

Wow or wow!  I got up this morning and as the sun rose I could actually see it! It is a cloudless day in my corner of the world.  This happens so rarely I always mention it in a post. Anyway...I was up early because I had a headache. I have got some things done, had breakfast, read some blogs and now I am just sitting.  Isn't it nice to feel good and content?  Ah, yes it is.

After about 2 weeks of playing Farmtown I stopped.  Lying and saying that I realized I was playing too much would be an option but I simply ran out of things to do. I needed 30 neighbours to level up and I didn't have even one.  The other option was paying real money which surprisingly a lot of people do.  I thought it best to just turn the whole thing off.  It is true that I was playing too much and I did realize it but Farmtown has another thing coming if they think I am going to find 30 strangers to friend me on Facebook or pay real money. Ah....addictions.  Sometimes they work themselves out.

I am on day 2 of the Weight Watcher's plan. I think I probably should have lost at least 19 pounds now but I am sure I have not even lost an ounce.   It certainly is easier than any other way of losing weight I have ever tried.  You can eat as many fruits and vegetables as you want. Isn't that great?  It should be that way.

OK.  And here is this!  I am going to go see Gordon Lightfoot in March!  Oh yes, I am!  If you are Canadian you will know who he is. (If you don't you need a series of smacks and a lecture on great Canadian artists.) If you are from anywhere else listen to this.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vST6hVRj2A

 or this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngo2B5tibLQ

He is one of the few singers that can make me cry real tears. Seeing him will almost complete my Bucket List for concerts.  Elton John (check) Burton Cummings (check) Gordon Lightfoot (check) Adele (no check)

The Ungrateful Bastard is being especially nasty today. I tried to pick him up and love him but he would have none of it.  Do you know on Christmas eve he was being super nice?  I am not kidding!  Maybe he knew that he better be nice or he would be getting squat. He was all wrapped up around my head when I was in bed and purr, purr, purring away. Christmas morning he got a gift but I think he hated it because it is about a foot away from where he left it.  See?  Ungrateful Bastard. 

I am Cooler Than You!

I am so cool.  I rock.  Everyone wishes they were me.  Seriously.  You know what I am doing to ring in the new year?  Laundry!  For some reason there is about 72 loads which is odd because we don't own that much stuff. Where does it all come from?  I don't know.  I really don't.  OK.  So am not cooler than anyone.  I doubt I will be able to stay awake until midnight. I woke up at three this morning.  Such is the life of a night-shift worker.  We keep odd hours sometimes. 
Do you know the last time I spent ringing in the new year doing laundry? 1999/2000.  Yup. I rang in the new millennium doing laundry.  I distinctly remember because I got it all caught up that night.  At the time my kids were 2 & 3 and it was a huge deal to not have laundry to do.  My ex-husband was a bit if a butt head and didn't think that maybe his wife would like to go out and do something.  Ah, well. I got the laundry caught up.

The house is a disaster.  It really is.  The tree is still up and there is crap everywhere.  How does a fake Christmas tree shed needles? It is a mystery of the Universe. Speaking of Christmas trees, do you know what makes me sad almost to the point of tears?  The Christmas trees that don't get chosen.  You know the ones. The sit at the grocery store or at the Christmas tree lot and are still there on December 26. The never even got a chance.  They died for nothing.  I swear their tree spirits must have wanted so much to make it into a home and have it's picture taken all decorated.  Kind of like the Velveteen Rabbit but without the happy ending. One time a minister said I reminded him of the Velveteen Rabbit.  He said other women were bright and shiny and were the first to be noticed but it was all just bells and whistles.  He said that my realness was a good thing.  Or something to that affect. It was one of the nicest comments anyone has ever given me. 

My daughter is having friends over tonight and my son is holed up in his room.  I swear, that boy needs to go back to school.  He gets so cranky on school breaks.  He stays up to god-knows-when and when I finally get pissed off and wake him up (at 1:30 today) he is cranky as hell.  You can't really make a 16 year-old have a bedtime can you?  The thing is he needs a bedtime.  Last night I disconnected the wireless but he got up and plugged it back in.  I am too tired to be pissed off and generally he is a good and obedient kid.  Chose my battles, right?  

A friend from work and I joined Weight Watchers 360 online. I have reached gargantuan proportions.  I have been trying to lose weight for the last several months and it is not working.  Weight Watchers is offering free sign-up because of all the New Year's resolutions so I figured I would sign up now.  I should have done it months ago but I am too cheap.  

His picture that we put on Shame Your Pet.

My other cat, (not The Ungrateful Bastard) is staring a hole through me right now.  I don't talk about him often because his is old (16) and sleeps all the time. Right now my hubby is outside and he usually goes to him.  I am the second choice. He is a funny cat.  He is huge.  I think he weighs in at about 18 pounds.  But he is the sweetest cat you could ever know.  When my husband got him from the shelter years ago he made his daughters choose the oldest and blackest cat they could find because they are always the ones that nobody chooses.  They scored on the deal because he is such a nice cat.  Unlike my demon-spawn.  (I will add that he is not the brightest cat.  God bless him.  One thing he does is eat grass and then come in with hay stuck in his teeth.  He will walk around for hours until we take it out.) 

So, tonight think of me as you ring in the new year doing cooler things than you.  

Thank You

Yes, I have posted this before but it seems applicable to me today.  With all the awfulness going on in the world there is still a lot of good.  There is.  You are all proof of that.
This year I am so grateful for many things, dark though it is...

Thanks

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow for the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions.

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
looking up from tables we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you
over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

~~~~~~

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Well, Christmas is over and I still did not get an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred short range model air rifle.  But I did get other good things so I can't complain. Christmas day was very nice.  I saw my aunts and uncles and cousins.  I am fortunate to have a gaggle of cousins that were all born within a year of each other. We had a hoot growing up!  We would  maul love the big St. Bernard who eventually went to live on a farm.  It was only about 10 years ago that I learned she didn't really go live in a farm.  How gullible am I? Anyway, Christmas was nice but I am glad it is over. The whole thing is always so overwhelming isn't it? 
And wa-hoooo the days are getting longer! 3 more months until Spring!  It is that time of the year where we Canadians don't have any long weekends in site until Easter.  I have heard some rumours that our B.C. government is adding one in February but my employer has not said anything about it.  
So that is about it.  Nothing else is new.  I am going to ring in the new year in my bed.  Sleeping, I hope.  My daughter is having some friends over and I am going to see if I can talk my hubby into ordering Indian food.  Other than that I am staying put.  Too many crazies on the road as my mom used to say. 

To my blogger friends.  Merry Christmas.  Thank you for being who you are and making me believe that there can be peace on earth. Even though we all may not agree we can talk it out and listen to one another.  When we do that there is hope. 

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

And it is snowing as well.  We don't generally get a lot of snow here because we live so close to the ocean but it is coming down.  It is not a good day for driving so I am letting the kids stay home. One child is doing a happy dance and the other is being surly. Their mother is sitting all curled up on the couch and is not going anywhere. Everyone either has a cold or is fighting a cold.  I am taking Cold Fx and oil oregano and am feeling OK so far.  I do believe a nap (a long winter's nap) is in order. 

Where did the time go? How did Christmas come up on us so fast?  If the world does not end on the 21st we will be celebrating a new year in less than two weeks. Well, I won't be celebrating as I will probably be asleep but the new year will come whether I am awake or not.  
I have to admit my newest addiction.  It is this stupid game called "Farmtown".  You build your farm and buy crap.  It is actually a huge waste of time but I think that is the point. 
Well, that nap is calling. 

Creepy Facility

I was going to post this a while back but forgot. When I work I occasionally go to a senior’s assisted living residence.  (I am here tonight.) It is a 45-bed facility that has been redone and is quite nice.  The building itself is quite old, probably built in the 50’s. Before it was assisted living it was an extended care unit.  When it was built I have no doubt it was a nice facility but before it was remodelled it wasn't very nice. Residents shared a room and the building was run down.  Seniors came here when they no longer could care for themselves and didn't have the option to go to a nice facility.  They came here to die.

They building itself is huge. It consists of three wings that split into a "Y".  Underground there is a labyrinth of halls that lead to other buildings in the vicinity. Because the building is so old and was a seniors hospital I have no doubt a lot of people died here over the years.  A lot.  And I have no doubt there were some very unhappy people.  Actually, I know this because I did my practicum here before it closed down as an extended care unit and was remodelled.

When I work in this building I work alone. Most of the time it is quiet but I do get the occasional emergency call. Every two hours I do rounds. I empty catheter bags and commodes and do personal care in the mornings. The entire building has a creepiness about it that can only be felt at night but it isn't anything that causes me concern.  Except a set of stairs.

The set of stairs in on the east end of the building. It connects three floors and is rarely used now. All the living is done on the west side of the building so there is little need to use the stairs. The only time they likely ever get used it during rounds. And that is where my part of the story comes into play.

There is something wrong about them.  It is the creepiest place I have ever been in. As soon as the door closes behind me I start to feel nervous. I never spend any time lingering in this stairway. It is as if I am being told to get out. I always feel like I am being watched and that there is something behind me.

So, just let it go as part of my over active imagination right? Noooo.  A couple months back I was scheduled with a co-worker and we were doing rounds together. I had not said a thing and as we came to the stairs she told me that she hated that stair case and would not go in it when she was working alone at night!  I started mentioning it to a couple other workers during shift change and it turns out I am not alone.  Other staff won’t go there either.  The real cincher was an older staff member who is very level and always calm.  An excellent worker.  I talked to her about it and she avoids it too. She said that just being near the end of the hall she feel uncomfortable.

So, what is it that creeps us all out? My only guess is that when this building was an extended care hospital someone may have used that set of stairs and fell.  Because it is seldom used I wonder if they were not found for a long time. Maybe they died as a result. Maybe it is not a “spirit” per se but just negative energy that needs to be released. (I am more partial to this answer.)  I don’t really know.  I will never know. 

Sometimes I use the stairs and I whispers to whatever is there that everything is OK and they can leave now. Other times I just run though thinking I am being absolutely silly. The last three nights I have not been using the stairs. Instead I go all the way back around. 

Here are some pictures.  What do you think? (Pictures taken with my phone and poor quality.) 

Up's & Down's

First the bad news. My palliative courses have all been cancelled.  I can complete two more but then that is it.  The school didn't really give a reason but they decided to close down and restructure.  I am so disappointed.  There must be other schools out there that offer palliative accreditation online.  Hopefully I will find something.  It will all work out. (Update - I found a university in Alberta that offers the courses I want! Yahoo!)

I did go back to Al Anon last night.  It was a huge group.  And yes, I tried to come up with an excuse for not going. (I am getting a cold.) Go I did however and it was a great meeting.  It was a speaker meeting and it made me feel not only just how insane I am but that I am quite a normal child of an alcoholic.  Seriously, the way I deal with life at times is pretty messed up.  My coping skills are horrible when I get stressed. Suffice it to say, I never should have stopped going to Al Anon.

This afternoon I am forcing taking my husband to the eye doctor.  The man has the terrible eyesight for someone his age.  It has taken me years to get him to go to the optometrist but now that he is covered through my insurance it won't cost anything so he is going. Men are so exasperating! (Update - His eyes are hooped. New eye glasses and a referral to the opthamologist.) 

Calm

Despite stress going on in my life and around me I am strangely calm and at peace. Something triggered yesterday where I got so angry at a situation and it made me realize I need to just give up and give in.  The situation is never going to change and the only thing I can do is give up.  Banging my head against a wall never hurts anyone but me.  I end up with the headache.  Not only that I end up with heart palpitations and an upset stomach.  And you know what?  I need to get my sorry ass back to Al-Anon because even though I have no active alcoholics in my life I am as co-dependant as I ever was.  If people around me are not happy, I am not happy.  It is really a fucked up way to be.  Though my biological father left when I was only 6, I learned from a very young age how to walk on eggshells. It was very important to never rock the boat.  Because of his alcoholism I learned to be a pleaser and peacemaker.  Whenever anything is wrong in my life I need to fix it.  Especially people.  But you can't fix another person that is broken.  They can't be fixed with love or with anger.  The only person I can fix is myself and learn to let go off the chaos.  I am happy because I found a meeting very close to home and on one of my nights off.  So no more excuses in that regard. 

Our tree is up but not decorated. Both cats are asleep under it. They were hissing and growling at each other in attempt to claim their space but now they are both curled up in cat balls. God love them. (Norbert the Ungrateful Bastard asked me to wish you all a shitty Christmas.)

I made a decision on my next palliative course.  Rather the decision was made for me.  When I looked at the course outlines I thought the course on Theories of Grief and Dying was available right now but it isn't.  For that reason I chose a course on symptom management. There are so many great courses and I can't decide which course to take. It will take two years to get my accreditation and I am so excited to do this!

One more thing.  I need to stop playing Farm Town on Facebook! argh!