I am at work tonight and so tired. Our neighbour was banging all day long. Even with the air cleaner going to drown out the noise and ear plugs I can hear him. The problem is his house is on the same side as our bedroom. I am hoping as the weather changes he will not be working outside. I would not mind the noise so much if it were not every single day. Some days he is hammering shit on his house and other days he is hammering shit in his yard. It is making me grumpy. Maybe I need to find an actual white-noise machine but I had one a long time ago when I worked nights and it was an annoying sound. I don't know. Maybe I should go sleep in the basement. There isn't a bed there but I guess I could buy one. Yes, it is that bad that I need to go buy another bed and sleep in a different part of the house.
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I have been feeling blue lately. It could be the Black Dog. I am wondering if I need a change to my medication. I think I will finish the last of this prescription and see my doctor about trying something new. Lately I am so very tired of being clinically depressed. It is obviously never, ever going to go away. It makes me wonder if the abuse I went through as a child did something to my brain. Maybe it tripped something that will never be able to be fixed. Quite honestly, even though medication takes the edge off it doesn't really help all that much. I wish more than anyone that I could 'snap out of it'. God knows I have done everything right. I have done everything the professional suggest but I am still never truly free.
I completely agree with you that childhood abuse can lead to the black dog. I wasn't abused in the accepted sense of the word, but I spent a lot of time in and out of hospital, being looked at by all kinds of strangers because my case was so 'interesting' They were allowed to prod and push me whenever, wherever and however they wanted and nobody tried to stop them. Including my parents.
ReplyDeleteI know now, of course, that it was all for the sake of my treatment, but when you are six or seven you don't understand it. People just seem to be allowed to hurt you and you just have to put up with it.
Hang on in there. You have friends and you have the strength to see off the old dog. It is tough. And it is relentless. But so are you. {{{{{{cyber hug}}}}}
Well, of course it's related!! Our childhoods form us and shape us and teach us to cope (or not) and they stay with us long after their expiration date. I recently read somewhere that depression isn't sadness, that it is actually repressed anger. This could totally be valid, and probably the only reason I'm not on medication.
ReplyDeleteDo you buy gifts for your extended family too? We only buy for our kids and grandkids now. And each other, although this year we're skipping that. Maybe this is the year you should mix it up, try starting a new tradition. I know that after the family glue is gone, Christmas becomes a giant shitshow, but maybe if you grab it by the throat you can turn it into something you can tolerate. Hang in there, kiddo. It will be Boxing Day in no time. ;)
Write checks. No trauma and no shipping and handling.
ReplyDeleteI am sure your family has changed without your mom....and the stress of gifts also. I hope a white noise machine would help you sleep....and then enjoy this tough time of year
ReplyDeleteI am glad to get a report on the soup. I bought some but I haven't opened it up yet.
ReplyDeleteOh my! I have David's Christmas present wrapped and hidden away. I bought it in June online. He has always wanted a University of Texas at Austin wallet and I found a cool one with the TU Longhorn logo.
ReplyDeleteI always dreaded Thanksgiving day and Christmas eve and day. My mother always pretended to have a migraine. She didn't like to show her happy feelings. She wasn't much for any happy times in our lives. She always dragged us down when we expressed happiness. It's sad I know but that was my mom.
Insufficient sleep colors everything darkly. I'd seriously consider a refuge-bed for noisy days. Our neighbors' sons have a basketball hoop right under our bedroom window.They're apparently nocturnal, as they and their friends hang out, chat loudly and bounce balls on concrete into the early morning hours. When they finally go to bed they leave all the lights on.
ReplyDeleteMy living room couch is my refuge.
We seem to have made Christmas a very, very stressful time. Expectations, lots of work, too much food and drink, expense...
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, of course your early experiences have fed the dog.
Take care of yourself - and a back-up bed sounds great.
Just wanted to let you know that I posted your cat picture on my blog. Come and have a look. I hope you'll be able to get some rest this weekend.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to have chronic depression and to be doing everything "right" and still not get the relief. It's its own kind of hell. Hopefully some new meds will give you a boost for a while. Hang in there, sometimes it seems like that's all there is to do--endure it. Good luck and happy holidays!
ReplyDeleteI hope the black dog crosses the street and you don't come face to face with him!
ReplyDeleteThe holidays will pass faster than you can say "bah humbug". Just hang in there!
Childhood abuse, the trauma of it, has a lasting impact on us. What I do know is that we try to have that aspect of our lives not sabotage our right to be happy.
ReplyDeleteSick and tired of being sick and tired. I understand. Our environment has an impact on our mental and physical well being. What we try to do is seek out positive resources and try to live with rather than suffer from our concerns.
Freedom in an intangible. I know that we do our best to try and live our lives the way we want to live.
Your candid post is therapy. You verbalise and with that, I send you the powerful gift that is empathy.
A peaceful, hopeful weekend to you.
Gary
Depression is a horrible disease and I think some people are prone to it for whatever reason. I see it as similar to diabetes, something I live with and manage but it still gets out of hand sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm not looking forward to Christmas this year, I miss my mum. I had a patient yesterday, 84, who had a bleed. She reminded me of my mum as we got her on the CT table, because I helped get my mum off and on the CT table as she was dying. I took the patient and her daughter back down to radiation and about five minutes later they called a Code. That was it for me, I couldn't stop crying. I did make it through the day though.
Every holiday brinks up memories. I'm hoping that after the first year, things will hurt much less. Most days I'm good and I can remember mum fondly but big things hurt.
O yes, childhood abuse can really mess one up. It's such a vulnerable, formative time, and the things we go through then can have such a lasting impact, for good or bad. It would be so nice to just "snap out of it" -- to snap out of anything crappy really -- but so often we do have to go *through* them. Our whole thinking needs to be overhauled, transformed, and that takes time. Meds alone can't do that -- perhaps therapy or counselling? Hang in there, my friend.
ReplyDeleteHave you gone to therapy? It sucks at first but helps you get better. I will always need depression medication, but a year and a half of therapy made the worst of it go away.
ReplyDeleteYes I agree Christmas and the run up are a very taxing time. I hate the way people feel they have to get themselves in debt to buy presents for people they hardly see. I hate the way family changes have sent us all our separate ways(my family). When my grandmother and Dad were still alive it kind of still held us all together, now there is a kind of barrier there. We can't really bear to be around each other for long. OOh your post has brought up some things there. I agreed that therapy can really help. Medication has it's place of course but the anger and grief that often lies behind depression is still there. Do you paint, or write? These are all ways to help heal the hurt somewhat. Wish I could wrap you up in a great big blanket and sing you a soothing lullaby. However knowing my voice it may not be quite as enjoyable for you as it would be for me. xx
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