After faking it for about two months I have to finally admit my anti-depressant medication is no longer working. I cried so much in the last two days that I had to call in sick for work. It is not just depression but circumstances that are going on around me. My marriage is about to die. At this point I am not sure what it is keeping it together. My co-dependent nature keeps believing that things will get better if I only try harder. In 12-step programs they say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. According to that definition, I am insane. And not many people would want to live with a person this depressed. No wonder he is not happy. Anyway, I made an appointment with my doctor but I can't see him until the 12th. I could be dead by that time so I have to see someone else. All I know is I am going through the motions of life but every moment carries a heavy sadness. When I am not sad I am numb and feel nothing at all. And I am tired. So very tired. I feel alone. I look forward to nothing and everything that is coming up on my calendar I dread. (Except my massages. I love my massages.)
Not much else going on right now but I know that December is always crazy busy. There will be more than enough to do. I think we are spending Christmas with my sister and her family. I wish I could sleep though all of December! Oh, how lovely that would be. When I woke up the days would be getting longer and Christmas would be over.
OK, I need to say at least one positive thing. Since I have nothing I found these instead.
All i can say is- get as many massages as you can.
ReplyDeleteCould some emergency help before Dec 12th be accessed through the hospital? Two weeks is a long time away. Hate to see you suffering so.
ReplyDeleteDay at a time, thinking of you and wishing you well x.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty common for things to feel more overwhelming than usual at this time of the year. You've got a lot on your plate. Do get those massages and if you feel the need, go to emerge. And blog.. we're listening.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
ReplyDeleteDo whatever you need. Daily massages sound good...
You and I are living parallel lives. Every time I read your blog it's like reading what is in my head! I have a daughter who is 15 and a son who is 17 too. And so many more similarities, too many to list.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. No one deserves to suffer through depression. I hope you can find a good med that works quickly so you can enjoy more of life and the holidays. I wish I could send you some holiday cheer but alas I have little to share but I will send my wishes that you feel better soon.
Please take care. I wish there was something I could do. There are people out here who care about you. Just remember that when you're in your low spots.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has said it all already. Please take care and yes get plenty of massages. This time of year can make you feel more run down and low than ever. Your job is pretty challenging too. xx
ReplyDeleteOh my darlin! That ol' black dog is visiting again. You need to swat him on the ass and tell him "GIT".
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could do to help you. Somehow I wish I was living nearby so I could be there for you. You need someone to talk to and hang out with. I really wish I could help you, dear.
Don't believe everything you think. Depression impairs your ability to think rationally.
ReplyDeleteQuit worrying about your husband, you need to get yourself better. He may or may not stick around, that's his choice. But you have to get yourself better.
See a doctor. Try cognitive behavior therapy. Journal for fifteen minutes every single night.
Sending hugs woman.
Maybe the problem isn't your medication. I think your life is trying to tell you something. I read somewhere that depression is not feeling. Crying is a good sign because it means that you are in touch with your feelings, the sad ones. What you have to do is get rid of the thing that's making you sad to make room for happiness to re-enter your life.
ReplyDeleteSee how simple? *wink*
I wish you strength and courage because whatever it is you're going through is obviously taking it's toll on you. Life is too short to be unhappy, and you are someone I KNOW who is capable of being happy, you just have to put yourself first.
Put yourself first.
I had to say it twice because that is how important it is.
Xoxoxox
Oh no, I hear you, and understand. Dawna makes sense, just take each day at a time, and try to find some joyful moments. Try not to think ahead too much.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could sleep, if you are able to that, that's a bonus trust me.
The cat memes made me smile.
{{{hugs to you, girl}}} It saddens me to see you so sad. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself better. When you are feeling well, you can then work on the other details of your life. For now, focus on you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I'm sorry medications, and the process of getting the right one, suck sometimes. I've been there. If I lived closer, I'd come over and bring you fudge and my obscene magnetic poetry.
ReplyDeleteHold on...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you feel so alone. I know how terribly hard that is. I've been there myself, recently. Maybe you could suggest a book to your husband called "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield. My husband got it for himself and has said it's been helpful--he's been living with a chronically depressed person for the last 4 years. Anyway, just a thought. Also, I'd suggest going to the blog Hyperbole and a Half and checking out her two posts on depression. She's so good at describing it, and at the same time she makes you laugh, if only just a little.
ReplyDeleteHang on, be strong, you can do this.