Shit I Have Pondered Today

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I saw this magazine today at the grocery store. It grabbed my attention because Ms. Moon mentioned it on her blog earlier this week.  Proof that we as North American's have some serious issues. And the woman in this picture looks like she weighs about 63 pounds. If they want me to have 'less stress' they won't sell these magazines. Who actually buys this shit?


I was thinking today about a friend that committed suicide 23 years ago. I would have thought after 23 years I would be able to accept his death but it still hurts just as much as it ever did. He has missed out on so much, a whole life really. I saw him the night before he put a gun in his mouth. And no, I do not blame myself at all but I often wonder. 

Where did I go wrong? 

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life.

Why do car dealerships call their cars the "all-new Toyota" or the "all-new Chrysler"? As opposed to what? A 7/8-new Toyota? 

On the radio today they announced a contest to win tickets to see Celine Dion. I can't think of a worse concert. 

Why do I know all the words to the song, "Tainted Love"? Why?

I picked up this book at the library today. It should be an interesting read. Ever since I found out that my great, great grandfather lived this workhouse when he was 15 I have been trying to learn as much as possible about them. There are very few written accounts by workhouse inmates and what it was like to live in one. 

And that is shit I have pondered today.

Home from the dentist. Does anyone actually like going to the dentist? Probably not. I shouldn't complain because I know all the people that work there and seeing everyone is actually fun. My dentist has a wicked sense of humour and all his staff are so nice and caring. But getting my teeth cleaned...not much fun. Every time I go I end up getting a headache and an upset stomach. First World Problem, I know. Anyway, they are clean again and I won't have to go for another 9 months. 

My back is much improved today. Yay for that! 

I am pretty sure my kids are trying to drive me crazy. On purpose. I just told my son to take some Vitamin D and Magnesium and the whole process took about 20 minutes. 

I hate to say it but it is the time of the year when I need to start Christmas shopping. I like to have all my shopping done by December 1st and since I do all my shopping online I need to get at it. Malls and introverts do not mix. It means having to be around other people. I like ordering online because not only does it come right to my door but it is usually considerably cheaper. And then I only have to talk to the UPS man and he is usually in such a hurry the conversation is limited to a few words. It is even better when it is just dropped off at my door. 

It is also that time of the year when I am using my SAD light and making sure everyone in the house is taking Vitamin D. It is 4:39 pm here and it is getting dark. Stupid Daylight Savings. 

A couple weeks back it seemed that the Black Dog was coming to visit but he seems to have disappeared again. Fall and winter is his favourite time so I am going to have to do all I can to keep him away. Sometimes he shows up no matter how hard you try to keep him away. 

Ok, I have laundry to fold. 

This morning I finally went to a massage therapist and now I wish I would have gone 5 weeks ago. I feel so much better! Yes, the massage hurt but afterwards I was able to walk without pain. Right now I am able to sit with pain that is bearable. She recommended hot/cold and some exercises as well.

We are cooking a turkey tonight because we didn't get a chance to on Thanksgiving. It smells like heaven in here. My son is outside filling the bird feeder in the front yard and my daughter is at jazz band practice. My husband is in the kitchen watching the birds in the back yard. It is just another autumn day here. It seems like yesterday I was complaining about the heat but last night it went down to freezing. Fortunately I live in a part of Canada that doesn't see snow very often but I am wondering if it is going to be a cold winter anyway. The birds are going through a lot of seed, more than normal. They are a better predictor than any meteorologist. (Am I really posting about the weather again?)

And there is really not much else going on. Right now I am not reading anything interesting. I am not planning on going anywhere but the dentist. 

I was just looking over all my unpublished posts over the last week or so. I sit down to blog and everything I think or feel has already been said countless times. Oh, here is something new. When did they start making the writing so small on pill containers? I was trying to read the print on a pill bottle and I had it right under a light and could not see a thing. Do I need new glasses? Probably. Do I need bi-focals? Has it come to that? At what age do people start needing bi-focals? 

Stupid daylight saving starts this weekend. Or is it ending? I don't know but it will start getting dark at 4:30. Why do we still do this? I don't know. 

I finally booked myself to see a massage therapist. If you have ever been to a registered massage therapist you will know they don't give nice relaxation massages but rip your muscles all to hell and it hurts. I was looking back on my posts and can't believe it has been more than a month of pain. If I am like this at 42 I wonder what it will be like when I am older?


Last night I ordered a SAD light for my son. He has been doing a little better the last several days but that is the way of depression isn't it? It is for certain that nobody gets enough light where I live and my son's favourite hangout is downstairs. We have a fully-finished basement but it is still dark down there. I am hoping the light helps. We went to see his doctor (who is incredibly awesome) last week and he upped his medication a little. I have seen an improvement since he made a switch 3 months ago but I still worry a lot. It makes me sad that my son seems to have inherited his own Black Dog. That said, he is one of the kindest most gentle souls I have ever known. When he was born he came out and let out one little cry like a baby lamb then proceeded to snuggle into me. He hasn't raised much of a fuss since. Why is always the most gentle and kind souls that have to deal with depression and anxiety?

So many questions in this post. 

So, last night I went to see Dracula and it was amazing! It was scary as in loud noises and things jumping out but I did not pee! Anyway, it was really, really good! Dracula's cape was fabulous. It was velvet and satin all the way to the floor with a high collar. It must have had about 15 feet of fabric in width. He glided when he walked. And the mental patient, Reinfield was hilarious. I was not expecting to love this play but I did.

Here is part of a regurgitated from last year.

Here it is. My deep dark secret.  I know I will disappoint some of you. Some will despise me and never read my blog again but I must tell you the truth. I hate Halloween.  I hate everything about it. Why? Here are some of the reasons.  My brother and his friends saw to it that I would be traumatized every Halloween by scaring me all throughout October.  I would walk around in a perpetually terrified state knowing they were going to do something horrible. My adrenal glands were constantly on high alert. They told me every year that they were going to put Neet in my hair.   I also hate loud noises so I hated the screechers and fire crackers.  I hated going out into our rainy October nights.  Once I went through a haunted house where a man in a coffin jumped out at me.  I hated it because Ian J.  won the prize for best costume every year.  He dressed as the same robot every year. Tin foil on a cardboard box.  Every year.  I hate that Halloween scares animals. So, I hate it.

So there you go. 

  

Dracula

We are leaving to see the play Dracula in about 5 minutes. I hope to god it doesn't give me nightmares because I am way too sensitive in that way. And nothing better jump out or make a loud noise that startles me or I will pee. 

Ah, but I have not been posting lately because everything I have to say is like unto a Twitter feed. "I went to the grocery store." "Going to the library." "Watching 'Bomb Girls' on Netflix. Why did the network take it off the air?" "Hurt my back at work." Once upon a time I was on Twitter for about 3 days and everything that was tweeted was stupid shit that I didn't care about. So, I have not posted because it is stupid shit that nobody cares about. 

Something did happen today. The 1921 census came out in the print version which means you can look things up! Very exciting for geneologists!  I learned two things today. One, my great grandfather's date of birth. As I have mentioned before he took off and left my great grandmother with 9 children. Before 1921 he did not exist in any census. Another thing I found out was my great, great grandfather lived in this workhouse when he was 15 in 1871. According to the census before that there was no father in the picture (he likely died)  which would have probably been the reason he ended up there. It did turn out OK though because at 18 he is listed as married and not living there. 

I hurt my back at work or rather exacerbated an old injury. It hurts and it is a drag. We are supposed to have a 'no-lift' policy but try to tell that to someone who lays dying. 

OK, I am going to go have an Epsom salts bath. 

Well, I am back at work. Why does time off go by so fast? It was sort of a crappy two weeks off because I was sick the entire time. I am finally feeling better and starting to be able to breathe. I will be cutting back on the Symbicortr some time next week but have to stay on a maintenance dose all fall and winter or I will get sick again. It is also almost time for the flu shot. I work with terminally ill and dying patients so it is very important that I get the shot but also my own lungs are kind of hooped. 

Today we went to feed the ducks again and I took more pictures. 

Can you see the man fishing? 

This road has been permanently closed off to traffic.

When the rains come the waters will rise and this entire area will become part of the river. 

It sure is a nice autumn. It has been really foggy during the night so the fog horn can be heard every 30 seconds. I live near the ocean and it is a very comforting sound. After a while you don't notice it anymore. It somehow brings reassurance in its deep low tone.

My husband and I went to see a play called, "Boeing, Boeing" last night and was it ever funny. When I got to the theatre I was having a panic attack but we had paid for the tickets so I sat there silently crying. I just wanted to go home. And then a lady walked in that looked like my mom. She had a light behind her so I could not see her face but she looked so much like my mom that I cried even more. I finally pulled it together. I think I should keep ativan in my purse but I really don't want to become a person that carries ativan around. I do use it at night but that is it. Anyway, the play was awesome and I once again give local theatre a standing ovation. Give me a night at a local theatre over a night at the movies anytime!

I brought a Pink Lady apple to work and now it has disappeared. I was looking forward to eating it!  It must be in my car.

I have a weird thing about me that drives my husband crazy but it is normal for me and I want to know if anyone else does this. When I get into bed the sheets have to be perfectly smooth. The bottom sheet pulled tight and the tops sheet with no wrinkles at all. The blankets also need to be free of wrinkles and smooth. I can't stand it when the bed is all higgeldy piggeldy. My husband on the other hand likes the blankets all bunched up. He doesn't care what it looks or feels like. He used to put the bottom sheet on sideways! How do you even do that? When we were dating I would try to sleep and all I could think of was that the bottom sheet was on sideways. One night while he got up to go to the bathroom I quickly remade the bed. Of course he caught me. It is now a joke with us. Now that we are married and living together I make the bed. Thank god I have a husband that puts up with my weirdness. 

Another day almost gone. I have a new mask for my CPAP machine and couldn't sleep last night because I had to keep readjusting it. I think I have it adjusted now but I needed to nap again this morning. 

We are still hanging on to our glorious fall weather. An Indian summer I guess you would call it. I suppose that is not politically correct now. It sure is nice though.

Today my local thrift store had a 50% off clothing sale. They usually have really nice clothes but non-sale prices are a bit expensive for a thrift store. I hit the mother load and found a big stack of clothes that actually fit. I am overweight but also have a weird shape and it is hard to find clothes that actually fit. Someone my shape and size must have got rid of a bunch of her clothes because there were a lot of choices.

Feeling like the Black Dog might be trotting down the road towards my house and that I am on the cusp a depression. So far I am just feeling blue and tired. Overwhelmed is a good word. I try to live a simple life but sometimes it all gets to be too much. Lately I have been worrying constantly about my son. He is going through things that I am too scared to even put into words. He is 18 in February and I feel like I have failed him. I have not given him the tools he needs in life because I don't have them myself. My daughter is always angry with me. Every time I open my mouth she is snippy and rude. My husband and I are recovering from a huge blowout on the weekend. Whenever we argue I feel so defeated, like I have lost a small piece of myself. He either doesn't care of doesn't understand. Oh, god. I could write and write and write. In the end it is just my point of view. I know I am not an easy person to live with. I fucking hate this perimenopause shit. I am always so emotional and tired. The worst part is I need an older woman in my life to talk to over tea and I don't have that. I guess I am being a baby. My god, there are women in the world that are going through hell and I am complaining about not having someone to talk to. 

Anyway, the dryer is done so I am off to hang up my 'new-to-me' clothes. 

Yawwwwwwwwn

I think I have yawned every thirty seconds today. I am so tired of being tired. I got up just before 8:00 to take my kids to school but came home and had a nap. When I got up I went for a walk to feed the ducks but there was about 25 school kids there and all the ducks were gone. It was very noisy. There were even more salmon waiting to spawn than yesterday. I will have to go back everyday because it is quite fascinating. The all just swim around and around. They eat and rest for a journey that will likely kill them. I wish them luck.

Today I got my kids to plant the last of the crocus. (no "es" to make it plural.) Of course neither of them wanted to. My son did it but my daughter was all cranky and huffy about it. It must be exceedingly difficult for kids today to get off Skype and plant 20 crocus each. I would like to ask whoever is running this place why he/she thinks it was a good idea to make woman perimenopausal during the teen years. They are also complaining about having to walk home from school even though the weather has been glorious. Poor abused children.

circa 1880

Yesterday I found this picture. That is my great great grandmother on the left. I imagine these coats were made special and a picture was in order. I think this picture is hilarious because they both look overheated and unhappy. You know how kids are. As soon as the camera comes out for a professional photo...tears! In the old days they used a lot of lights to keep the area bright and it was probably very hot!  Oh, but I bet they loved their new coats! What loveliness for a small girl. And a beautiful scarf to go with it must have had them feeling like princesses. 

OK, I am going to go and purposely annoy my kids by asking them to clean something. 

George: Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.

Jerry: See, now you're really doing  something. Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?

George: What?

JERRY: Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.

GEORGE: Why must there always be a problem?!!! 

Every time I think of that scene I laugh because I get it. I think we all get it. Today I thought I would switch to Gmail. It took me at least 45 minutes. Don't ask why. It just did. Finally I got it all set up then Blogger said gmail can't be the primary e mail for this account. Are you kidding me? Seriously, why must there always be a problem?

Anyway...

We went for a walk this morning. It is a gorgeous fall day here in B.C. Someone once said "B.C. is one big green" and it is! But at this time of year everything changes. Here are some pictures of today just across the street from where I live.

Feeding the ducks is one of my favourite things.

For Jan

I wish I had duck feet.

Salmon waiting to spawn.

Evil Outside Norbert

Back from our mini-holiday. We ended up going to the cemetery to find my great grandparents grave and I took pictures.

Take a look on the ground to the stone on the right. Look closely. See it? No you can't see it because it it not there. Drat. Actually my great grandparents are there but there was no stone. I am guessing the reason is because they had cut off most of their family for religious reasons. My great grandparents were Jehovah's Witnesses. One daughter stayed with the faith, the other daughter became a born-again Christian, and my grandfather never set foot in a church again. When they died they likely had not seen two of their three children for several decades. If there had been a funeral it would have taken place at the Kingdom Hall and neither of the two ostracized children would have gone. The one J.W. daughter was married to a tradesman so there may not have been money for a stone. I have to say they kind of had it coming to them. Anyway, that was anti-climactic but not the first time I went to a cemetery to look for someone and there is no stone. 

Came across this cool fence made with hundreds of pairs of skis.  It was huge! What you can see in the picture is about 1/4 of it. 





I was almost murdered today. I am not kidding. We stopped to buy bird seed at the the feed & seed and they had two cats living there. When I left carrying 35 pounds of bird seed one of the cats ran under my feet real fast like. It was a premeditated and vicious attack. And on me, a lover of cats! 



I mentioned I updated my e mail but now I am having problems with hotmail. It keeps saying I am Riot Kitty. What's up with that?

True love is getting me another cat. 

I woke up this morning to this in my Pinterest inbox. I totally get it. 

ME!

This is me today. I woke up at about 3:00 in the morning in a foul mood. It started the night before with an argument with my husband who is not wanting to take a 30 minute drive this weekend so I can go take a picture of my great grandparents grave which I have been looking for for years.  We will already be in the community which is an hour and half away from home so I don't see the problem. He said I "highjack" every holiday going to cemeteries. Whatever. I do love cemeteries but I would like to add that I never go to the malls to shop or other shit women do. And if anyone says "they aren't going anywhere" will get a smack.

Then I woke up with cramps so bad I couldn't move. Fucking Aunt Flo. I did finally manage to get to the kitchen to take two Advil and two Tylenol but after 30 minutes I will still in pain so I had a hot bath. I just want a hysterectomy! 

When I finally got up my daughter started in on me about going out tomorrow night. She is not supposed to. According to her oral surgeon she is to stay home and rest with ice. But no. Even though she hasn't managed to get out of bed yet she tells me she will be fine tomorrow and is now acting all teenage-girl pissy because I won't let her go. I told her to stop bugging me and to call the oral surgeon and they can decide. (They will say no.)

I did go to the doctor yesterday and I am getting better sloooooooooowly. He thinks it will take about 6 months to get back on track. 6 months!

OK, now I have tears in my eyes listening to Enya. My family needs to run away and run away far. Or better yet, send me away. According to the Internet that would be somewhere near the Australia/New Zealand area. Any takers? I could also go to Indonesia?

Yesterday for fun we took a fake plastic crow and set it up in out living room and attached thread to to then played crow sounds. The cats really hated it!  It was funny.

My daughter is back talking to me again about going out tomorrow night. She can barely talk and is in a lot of pain but it is my fault she can't go out. Everything that goes bad in her life is my fault. 

I am going to go before my rage shuts down the entire internet. 

PS- I have changed my e mail from Yahoo to Hotmail. Yahoo changed everything I an can't figure it out. My new address is . com minus the spaces. 

My daughter had her wisdom teeth out this morning yesterday and is doing well. When I was driving her home she was worried that they had "gathered her blood for cloning". She also wanted to go to Arby's but we don't have an Arby's where we live. I have no idea where she came up with Arby's.

A few of you were surprised that we have poverty here in Canada. According to statistics,

• 1 in 7 children in my province live in poverty. 
• 10% of families do not have enough money to meet the most basic needs. 
• In 2012, 882,000 accessed food banks, the highest levels ever.  
• There are 150, 000 to 300, 000 homeless in Canada. Considering the population of Canada is about 35 million (about the same as the entire state of California) those numbers are high.
• 25 - 40% of homeless youth are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual or transgender. 

I could write pages and pages of statistics but what good does it do? Our politicians don't care. Even sadder is that most people who are not living in poverty don't care either. I know well what it is like to live in poverty. Up until November 2011 when I finally got a job that pays well we were living well below the poverty line. I made a promise that I would not forget. I haven't.

It has taken me two days to write the above. Sometimes I worry when I can't come up with a post because that is when I get into a blogging slump and end up not posting at all then I just quit. There is not a whole lot to post about right now other than I am still having difficulty breathing. Today I am going to plant about 100 crocuses in the yard because by the end of winter is is the best thing to see the crocuses coming up.

Home Again

It is Thanksgiving here in Canada but we had our dinner last night at my dad's house. His wife if the most excellent cook! My brother (he is 45) brought his new girlfriend. He always has the nicest girlfriends but he ends up treating them like garbage so it never lasts. The longest relationship lasted a year. Other than that they have all lasted a few months. Oh, well. I love my brother but I always want to warn his girlfriends that he can be a real twit. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. My mom used to warn them but they never listened anyway. My bother is handsome and charming and knows how to make a woman weak in the knees and heart. 

We are back from Victoria and I am still not well. I guess I am going back to the doctor again this week. Victoria was lots of fun and we ate a lot! There was a bit of sadness though when we we walking back to our hotel from dinner. There was a young man on the streets who looked about the age of my son. We stopped and talked to him and he told us he was 17 and had run away from home in Ontario. He looked so tired but he didn't appear to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Just tired and hungry and alone. We bought him dinner. He hadn't eaten that day and was really hungry. But after we left him I felt worse. That could be my boy on the street. It is this sort of thing that makes me hate Canada. We have way too much poverty. Way too much.

We came across this little park that was hidden away. It had previously been a garden and when the lady who owned it died she left it to the city. 

When we got home I was greeted with a package from

Morning AJ! It was full of all sorts of goodies! 

She made me a cool handmade journal as well. I intend to use it to write down my favourite quotes. 

Before I left I also received a card and this magnet from Elephant's Child. Some colour to add to the long dark days we are heading into in Canada. 

I feel loved. Thank you to both of you! 

Well, it is Monday and Mondays are clean the house days for me. Considering it is coming up 3:00 I guess I should go make myself productive. 

Victoria

Thursday....

Here we are in Victoria. We got here and looked around for a bit. By the time we got to the hotel I couldn't see straight. There are a lot of people who smoke on the streets here and that added to waking up far too early this morning I was exhausted. I really do get overwhelmed easily. As I was falling asleep in the hotel bed I had a thought that I really am a wimp. If I were in a concentration camp I would not have made it past the first weekend. Yes,  I can go through long term stress but I need to have my naps, fresh air, breaks and water.

We went for dinner here and I am so full. I had the seafood jambalaya. For your information I almost always have jambalaya when given then the choice when going out for dinner. I make it at home a lot too. The portion was huge and I could only eat about 1/4 of it.



Friday...

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Woke up late (9:30) which was a total delight. It was so nice to snuggle back under the covers and not have to get up. As it is right now, I never get a day to sleep in. Between my work schedule and taking my kids to school I have to get up to do something every day. We went for breakfast here. Everything is local and homemade. I had poached eggs, toast, pesto hash browns, bacon and coffee. They serve homemade hot sauce that I could eat with a spoon if it was not terribly rude.

After breakfast we came back to the hotel and I had a nap while my husband went for a walk. After I woke up we went here for a pumpkin spiced latte. I wait all year for pumpkin spiced lattes!  Right beside is Munro's Bookstore, home of the now already famous Alice Munro who just yesterday won the 2013 Nobel Prize of Literature. She has also won The Man Booker International Prize in 2009 and the Governor General's Prize in 1968, 1978 and 1986. She of course was not there but her husband was, working like it was just another day. 

The highlight of my day was going to Russell's Bookstore. This is not a huge bookstore in size but it makes up for its smaller space in volume. I swear you can find any book you can imagine here and the prices are comparable to Amazon. I bought eight books Anywhere else these eight books would have retailed at close to $200.00 but I got them of $85.00. I would have bought more but I was getting tired. If you spent all day and all night you would only just tough the surface of the books available. 

Getting ready to go for dinner. More tomorrow!

Another day of naps and puttering. Tomorrow my husband and I are going away for our anniversary. But don't come and rob me because people will be here.  I used to have a tracker on my side bar to mark our anniversary but it is gone. Where did it go? I should put it back up. (It is back up now but that was a serious misuse of my time. It took about 20 minutes and if you look at it over there it looks like my husband is stepping out of the picture. ha!)

My son and I went to Value Village today and holy moly that place is expensive! Nine dollars for a used shirt? I did find a tiny light-up ceramic Christmas tree that fits in the palm of my hand for $6.00. A little early for Christmas but you have to grab these things when you can.

Still having a hard time breathing. It is hard to talk in a normal conversation. I am hoping it is not going to be a bad year for colds and flu but it seems like there are a lot of people sick very early this year. I get the flu shot every year and that has always helped and especially important when working with the dying. The one year I did not get the flu shot (they didn't have enough vaccines) I got the swine flu and infected the province of Ontario. It was not 100% my fault because I did not know I had it the time I traveled. I only had a slight fever and was tired. Two days later I was so sick but I was already in Ontario and had been on the plane. I checked the flu tracker on the weather network and the entire province had it. I am not kidding. If you live in Ontario and had the flu in 2009 it was my fault. 

And Other Day Passes

Well, not passed quite yet. It is only just after 6:30. It was an uneventful day. The most eventful part of the day was going to the library and finding a book that they had lost that I knew I had returned. I am never 100% sure these days of what I do and do not but I clearly recall picking up the book at home and adding it to my pile to be returned last week.

Oh, I also talked my son down from a panic attack. He was freaking out after school and wanted to go home but I had to go to the aforesaid library. He was overtired, hungry and had a hot hoodie on. Do you know how hard it is to tell a 17 year old to take off his hoodie and take some deep breaths without actually telling him to take off his hoodie and take some deep breaths? At one point I got a little snippy with him and told him that he had to ride this anxiety attack out because that is the only way we really ever get over them. As someone who has had anxiety since I was about 3 I know this well. Anyway, we made it home and he was calm and even making jokes. 

Breathing is a little better today but I am reaching for the rescue inhaler more than I should be. The dose of prednisone is keeping me right jittery. I wanted to have a nap this afternoon. Though I was in need of a nap I could barely keep still. That is unusual for me. I never have problems with kicking back and relaxing or taking a nap. Naps are delicious and if you ask me, people would be a lot happier if they took the time for a nap everyday just like in Kindergarten. 

My great grandma. I was named after her. 

Now this was a stupid move. Today I added my great-grandmother's family to my tree. Or so I thought. Apparently there were two B@rbara U-----'s born in 1904 with parents named B@rbara and Matthias living in Saskatchewan. I can understand the first name confusion but the last name is unusual. After I entered about 30 people I had to delete them. Have I ever mentioned I was named after my great grandma? That is me on her lap. We had a rapid succession of grand babies born and she must have been over the moon. There was one more born about a month after this picture was taken. Can you believe she is only about 67 in this picture? She looks so old!  She actually had a really hard life. Her husband left her with nine children. Then her son did the same thing to my Nana. Then my dad left us. Proof that being a dip-shit could indeed be generational. She was the sweetest woman ever.