We are still hanging on to our glorious fall weather. An Indian summer I guess you would call it. I suppose that is not politically correct now. It sure is nice though.
Today my local thrift store had a 50% off clothing sale. They usually have really nice clothes but non-sale prices are a bit expensive for a thrift store. I hit the mother load and found a big stack of clothes that actually fit. I am overweight but also have a weird shape and it is hard to find clothes that actually fit. Someone my shape and size must have got rid of a bunch of her clothes because there were a lot of choices.
Feeling like the Black Dog might be trotting down the road towards my house and that I am on the cusp a depression. So far I am just feeling blue and tired. Overwhelmed is a good word. I try to live a simple life but sometimes it all gets to be too much. Lately I have been worrying constantly about my son. He is going through things that I am too scared to even put into words. He is 18 in February and I feel like I have failed him. I have not given him the tools he needs in life because I don't have them myself. My daughter is always angry with me. Every time I open my mouth she is snippy and rude. My husband and I are recovering from a huge blowout on the weekend. Whenever we argue I feel so defeated, like I have lost a small piece of myself. He either doesn't care of doesn't understand. Oh, god. I could write and write and write. In the end it is just my point of view. I know I am not an easy person to live with. I fucking hate this perimenopause shit. I am always so emotional and tired. The worst part is I need an older woman in my life to talk to over tea and I don't have that. I guess I am being a baby. My god, there are women in the world that are going through hell and I am complaining about not having someone to talk to.
Anyway, the dryer is done so I am off to hang up my 'new-to-me' clothes.
Hey....
ReplyDeleteI am an older woman...
Probably old enough to be your Mom...
Not that I could ever fill those shoes...
I have big ears{not really}...and big shoulders...{definitely...Linda Evans is jealous of me}
And...
I make a wicked cup of tea...
Served with one of my fabulous cakes...
What'cha think??
How ridiculous that we can't say "Indian Summer" anymore....
What's next??
No more "Merry Christmas"??
Oh yeah...we aren't allowed to say that either...
GEESH!!!
Never mind....;o)
Cheers!
Linda :o)
Hang in there Birdie. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading a really good book called "Everyday Sacred" by Sue Bender. It's really good and I think you might like it. She talks about simplifying life and finding purpose in the average activities and people in life. Anyway, thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
ReplyDeleteAn older friend who has adult children told me, dealing with the kid in foster care, that as a parent or parental figure, you can't take responsibility for their successes or failures. I thought that was wise.
ReplyDeleteYour kids are lucky to have such a good mom. I'm finding out that many kids have shitheads for parents.
I admire your honest because we all do not live perfect lives. No fairy tales.
ReplyDeleteThis part about your 18-year-old resonates. "I have not given him the tools he needs in life because I don't have them myself."
As you said, you do not have the tools, so I hope you do not feel guilty about that. Our kids do not come to us with manuals about how they'll function or how we will.
They'll go through their life phases and will reflect when they are grown up or have a family.
Wishing you a good day today.
That's the thing with kids, they are who they are, in spite of us. He's almost 18, he'll figure it out. My MIL used to always say "All you can do is love them!"
ReplyDeleteDaughters are snippy until about 18 when reality smacks them in the gob. She'll come back to you.
You can always talk to me...drop me an email, I'll send you my cell # you can text me! like a hotline. :)
Husbands are dumb. That's all I'm saying about that.
Enjoy your First Nations summer just doesn't have the same ring.
No no no say no to that effing black dog !Don't let it get as much as a bloody paw through your door !!! Others can interfere so much with our lives (here is an original thought !), don't think too much about them. Your son is 18, he's an adult, full stop. You can't go back in time and if you did, you'd probably realize that you wouldn't be able to do any things any other way. I've been through the worst of times, you'll come through and feel better and enriched at the end. Hang on, you're great !...And there a lot of us who love you out there !xoxoxoxoox
ReplyDeleteI can empathize, especially with the no one to talk to thing. Things I don't want or can't blog about at this time.
ReplyDeleteThe whole kid thing, I raised 4 kids, it's not easy, and we do suffer "mom guilt" but all we can do is the best we can and just keep loving them.
Don't worry too much. The kids will find their way in the world. But if you feel the need, kick em in the ass to wake them up. There are kids in the world that have it far worse than they do. Otherwise, don't worry so much.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had someone to pal around with too. To tell the truth, I think that if I did, then David would go broke bailing me out of jail all the time. AHAHAHAHAhaahaaa!
Everyone else has said it all but I'll just add that I felt the same about my son (but probably for different reasons) when he was 18,19,20,21.... and blamed myself for all the mistakes I made. He is fine now at 27 but i do from time to time still try to beat myself up. You seem a lovely and very aware Mum who is doing her best.
ReplyDeleteMe too. I wish I had a Mother figure to talk to someone I could really connect with. There seem to be so many people feeling alone right now. :( Hope that black dog stays away. Probably due to worry and trying to negotiate family life when you are run down from being so ill. It is happening here too. I am concerned that Mr G will leave me soon I am driving him crazy most of the time. And everyone else! Mind you I have a point most of the time!
ah hon. we will never stop worrying about our children. it doesnt mean the things we worry about are true. sending love. and that place you visited, holy moly, it's gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Birdie! It'll all get better soon enough. And being snippy and rude is all part of being a teenager. They know everything at that stage in their lives and think of us a morons :)
ReplyDeleteI recommend the book The Wisdom of Menopause by Dr. Christine Northrup....It really explains about hormones and what happens to us. We really are not going crazy....it just feels like that. A cup of chamomile tea and that book saved my life many of times...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for all that you are going through...here's hoping for the rainbow at the end of the storm!
ReplyDelete