He Made it Through the Front Door

Black Dog of Depression

Yesterday I tried so hard to keep the Black Dog from the door but he is here this morning. Yesterday, I cleaned the bathroom, changed the sheets on the bed, did a million loads of laundry and worked in the garden. He stayed away but lingered on the sidelines.  He came back last night and attacked with a vengeance the only way anxiety and depression can. I tried to go to bed early but could not fall asleep despite being very tired. When I did sleep my dream were filled with sadness and confusion. This morning I woke early with my heart racing, my hands shaking and tears before I even got out of bed. 
And if I am honest with you all, which I am not very often, this all started with a fight from my husband. We has planned a small trip away to the mainland. We looked at hotels together online. Yesterday I found out he is going without me. He already booked the plane. He said if I want to go I can book my own plane ticket. I was stunned. I didn't and don't understand why he would do that. His reason was that I "didn't seem interested". 
Deep down I don't think he really wants to be married to me. He tells me I have changed the last 2 years since my mom died. He is mad at me all the time. I understand this. I can't stand being around myself right now either. This peri-menopause is making me into a monster. Right now I am on the couch, crying as I write this and he is ignoring me, which just makes me feel worse. 
Oh blogging world, I feel so fucking alone. There is something seriously wrong with me. No normal person acts the way I do. 

Update - As some of your suggestions I have booked three nights away for myself and a lovely B & B. It is quiet and tranquil. Just me. 

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing is better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!

Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn

This commercial was my bane when I was growing up. Everyday someone would say to me, "B@rbara, are you up?" It was never funny.  But the ironic thing is I am up. I am always up and awake.  I don't sleep at night. Anxiety grabs me in the night and suffocates. At 42, I am still afraid of the dark. Darkness engulfs me and makes it impossible to sleep. Tonight I was sleeping in the den and it is very dark in there. I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep. And of course, the Black Dog is scratching at the door. I work so hard at keeping him away and try really hard to keep my posts light and even funny but the reality is I just feel sad. Lately I feel so useless. Fat, ugly and useless. My face is covered in acne.  My husband doesn't want to sleep with me. My moods are all over the place. I feel lonely. 
I guess I should just go back to bed and try to sleep. 

Extra Creepy

 Tonight I am in this building. Working alone. Ag. It normally bothers me but tonight the power is out in the creepy wing and I don't want to go down there. There is something about this place that makes me feel on edge. Right now I have myself locked in the staff room. Not that it matters if a ghost wants to come after me. I only have to go out every 2 hours and do rounds but I have myself all scared. What if a ghost pushes me down the stairs? 

Don't read this next part of you  are a boy. On Wednesday my husband and I went to see, "Singing in the Rain". I enjoyed it but I would have enjoyed it more if Aunt Flo wasn't visiting. Lately my periods have been so heavy. As I was sitting there in the dark I could feel that I was leaking. You don't just get up and walk out of live theatre. Sure enough, when I got home there was blood everywhere. It was awful and embarrassing. Just to keep my cramps manageable I have to take 3 Ibuprofen and 2 extra strength Tylenol at the same time. I am waiting to see my gynecologist again to have more testing. Right now I am at the point of just wanting a hysterectomy. I am tired of periods. I am tired of "women problems".  I did go see a Naturopath last week and am going to be getting a total hormonal panel done.  Fortunately for me, my GP believes in the benefit of Naturopathic medicine and will order and tests that the Naturopath deems necessary. What that means for me is I do not have to pay for the blood work that would probably cost me hundreds of dollars.  I have to wait until Day 20 of my cycle then go back for the results. 

Tonight it is blessedly cool. A wonderful 14 Celcius (57 F.) !  I even brought my warm-up jacket to work tonight.  Love it!

Spontaneous Human Combustion

Remember when you were little and you first head about Spontaneous Human Combustion and you got scared shitless because you were convinced you could catch fire and die? OK, maybe you didn't but I did. I was an odd child with a lot of fears and this was one of them.  Well, I grew out of that fear but now it is back. Currently I am sitting in front of a fan with a cold cloth around my head. It is so hot!  Add hot flashes to the picture and S.H.C is inevitable.  Our house is currently at 29 Celsius and does not have air conditioning. We have not had a drop of rain is weeks. Normally I kvetch about the rain but come on already. This is British Columbia!  It is supposed to rain and not be this hot. Anyway, if I never post again it is because I caught on fire and died of Spontaneous Human Combustion. (That or the Ungrateful Bastard and his clone Devil Spawn Norbert killed me.)

Devil Spawn Norbert

Well, blogging has taken a back seat this summer. It is so hot and I would much rather be outside. OK, that is a lie. I signed up for Netflix and have been watching Drop Dead Diva and Orange is the New Black. Part of the problem is I am postless.  Seriously, there is nothing going on. The lawn is dead from the heat but our garden is growing like mad.

Now here is something...Who is in this picture? I am guessing your answer will be Norbert aka The Ungrateful Bastard. But it is not.  He has somehow managed to clone himself in some diabolical satanic ritual. How do I know? Because my husband and I went out for breakfast this morning and when we came home and Norbert was outside.  I am all, "What the fuck is Norbert doing outside? He is not allowed outside? How did he get out?" My husband told me it was not Norbert but it was.  We drove up close and this cat looked exactly like him.  He even had a huge gut and slunk around like a sneaky sonofabitch. Just like Norbert. It was Norbert. I have no doubt.  Except it wasn't because when I opened the door Norbert was standing there. I will now refer this Norbert as Norbert the 1st and the other Norbert as Devil Spawn Norbert.  Norbert the 1st has managed to reproduce himself an exact replica or "clone" of himself.  I have no doubt it is part of a plan to fuck me over.  Devil Spawn Norbert lives outside. Norbert the 1st lives inside. When we came home Devil Spawn Norbert was lurking in the bushes near the side of the road and when we drove up he gave me a look like he knew he had been caught. When I came inside Norbert the first tried to trick me by being all purry and nice but I know better. There is no doubt that they are now working together to kill my family. It makes me wonder how many more are out there. 

I am Back

OK, I am back at this blog. It was way too confusing for my addled peri-menopausal brain. Or did you even know I was gone?

Anyway, it is about a bajillion degrees Celsius here. But nobody else can feel it but me. My husband and kids are liars and tell me that it is not that hot and it is just me. They also move shit around the house and when I go looking for it they say that I need to calm down because they have no idea what I am talking about. Sometimes they are not even home and things get moved. Likely it is the Ungrateful Bastard. 

This is what I did today because it is so fucking hot. I bought two of these and put them in my bedroom window. It looks so classy! Very "south end." (That is an insult where I come from.) But I am hoping that it will keep me from dying from heat exhaustion. Seriously,  because I work nights and sleep during the day it is hard to sleep. One must resort to extremes. I will let you know if it works. My mom, who was also always hot would have given my a high-five for my ingenuity but would have asked me what the neighbours thought. Anyway, that is what I did today. And I had fried chicken. 

Moving

Hi all,

I am closing down this blog. Please leave a message in the comments and I will contact you with my new blog address. 

Ignore the above.  I changed my mind. 

Love to all of you. 

Well, I am off work now after working 3 nights and I still feel like shit.  When I turn my head the world spins.  My throat is sore, I have a headache, my neck is all stiff and I have a low-grade fever. I am probably dying. Maybe from encephalitis.  Check out the symptoms. I would like to know how how anyone would know if I was suffering from altered consciousness?  My family would not know. And I am usually pretty fucking agitated. And confused? When am I not confused? 

Ok, I need some breakfast and sleep.  If I never post again you will know that God deaded me. 

I know I should be making some decisions for myself.  Good decisions. Eat well, exercise, go to the doctor and find out why I feel so tired all the time. (Actually, I am going next week.) All wonderful ideas but I am totally overwhelmed right now. The last few days I have felt like I am coming down with some sort of sickness but so far nothing has made itself known.  My son was sick and vomited yesterday. I am not eating much and have been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. What I really need to do is admit to myself that I am in (yet another) depression.  This whole debacle with my step-daughter has left me lifeless. It has thrown my whole theory about loving someone. What do I do with this new information?  It is not just loving my step-daughter.  There are other people in my life that I love and it makes not one bit of difference.  Isn't the greatest thing to love and be loved in return? Is it too much to be asked to be loved in return?  Evidently, it is too much to ask.

So as not to be a total drag I will tell you about this thing. It is called an Actifry. I bought one and I love it!  Never have I been one to buy small appliances.  But I read that this thing is like a deep fryer without the oil. A deep fryer!  OMG. I have wanted one for about 15 years now but never got one because I am fat enough. When I heard about the Actifry I read up in it and it has received the most excellent reviews. OK...I love this machine. So far, all I have made is french fries, yam fries and chicken wings. All have been delicious! I can now eat fries and not feel guilty or gain weight. So there is my product plug.  I am not getting a cent for saying this. 

Trying this post again...

I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?

When I first heard these lines I thought someone must have somehow got into my head. It came as a shock to know others feel this way. When I look around everyone seems to be "getting it" and are quite okay with the chaos in the world.

To me, it feel like we have been dropped off here and forgotten. We hear that there is a god that loves us but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel alone most of the time. My god does not give me direction or speak into my life. He is very, very, very quiet. So quiet that I doubt his/her existence.

I want a "buddy to be with to tell me where we is coming from and where we is going to and why". I am tired of people being ugly to each other and all the pain in the world. It is just too much for me. It is indeed, like pieces of glass in my head.

Can you understand? For some reason, I think you do. 

(And why can't I format this post!?)

 


I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain.I'm tired of never having a buddy to be with. To tell me where we's going to, coming from or why. Mostly, I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head, all the time. Can you understand? 



When I first heard these lines I thought someone must have somehow got into my head. It came as a shock to know others feel this way. When I look around everyone seems to be "getting it" and are quite okay with the chaos in the world. 


To me, it feel like we have been dropped off here and forgotten. We hear that there is a god that loves us but it doesn't feel that way to me. I feel alone most of the time. My god does not give me direction or speak into my life. He is very, very, very quiet. So quiet that I doubt his/her existence.


I want a "buddy to be with to tell me where we is coming from and where we is going to and why". I am tired of people being ugly to each other and all the pain in the world. It is just too much for me. It is indeed, like pieces of glass in my head. 

Can you understand? For some reason, I think you do. 

(And why can't I format this post!?)

A little Grumpy Cat to make us smile.

It is one of those times where I am so drained that I have nothing to give to anyone.  As expected the birth of my new granddaughter has been disastrous.  My step-daughter has cut off all ties with her dad, her sister and me.  No reason.  That is just the type of person she is.  We are wondering if she is a psychopath.  I am not being facetious. There is something very wrong with her. 

Step-daughter # 2 showed up at our house last week. Her boyfriend beat the shit out of her. She stayed with us for a few days until she could get a bed at Haven.  Now that she is there she is not showing a lot of interest in finding herself a new place.  We are fairly certain she will be coming here when she leaves Haven. She also does not work, and did not graduate from high school.  She is 25. And the real kick in the ass? She had not called us in months. She needs us so that is why she called. 

Then, a few days ago our sewer backed up into our house.  Fuck!  

My son is suffering from severe anxiety.  My debt hangs over me and makes it hard to breathe. I am making major decisions regarding my kids education.  I have to go to a meeting today at 3:00.  The woman who does the interview is all business and has a way of making me feel small. Yes, we are told that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent but we know that it is not true.  When we are already beaten down words can make you feel really shitty. It is a form of bullying. Anyway...

So, that is why I have not been reading your blogs. I am so tired. I am eating Gaviscon and Ibuprofen like candy and taking more than one Ativan a day.  I have even been drinking wine coolers which is not normal for me.  Normally I have about one drink a month. 

And as I know, things will get better. Breathe. 

I Really Don't Know Life At All

It has been a crazy few weeks. And through it all I have learned that I do not know anything for sure.  Perhaps it is with some arrogance that I thought that love is all we need.  If we love, everything will turn out OK. Well, sadly it is not the case.  For over six years now I have given my (step) daughter all my love and support but she wants nothing to do with me.

She is damaged goods. My husband think she may even be a Psychopath. No that is not a joke. Throw drugs and alcohol into the mix and it gets even more chaotic. Her biological mother did a number on her. She just does not have the ability to give or receive love. She accepts and gives when it benefits her.  She has cut my husband, myself and her sister out of her life. She has given us no reason.  She won't answer our phone calls, emails or the door. Instead, she has invited her biological mother back into her life. The "mother" that used to beat her and lock her in a shed. The "mother" that did not call her for 8 years. The "mother" who stood behind her new husband when he sexually assaulted my her and called her a liar. 

Suffice it to say we are all heartbroken.  Her sister has always been there for her. Last week she went and bought her groceries when she herself did not have enough food to eat. We are considering a legal route to get visitation rights but my god, how did it come to this? 

So yes, I really don't know life at all. It baffles me. My heart is so full of love and I have much of it to give but sometimes that isn't going to help. 

Oprah has a page at the back of her magazine stating the things she knows for sure.  Tell me reader, what do you know for sure?  

This post will be short because I am so weary and so very tired. Problems have already started with my step-daughter and her new baby. The things that are going on are worse that we had ever anticipated. We are  not sleeping. My husband is having chest pains and I am having heart palpitations. My stomach is in knots.  Child Protective Services is involved but that is just the beginning of the problems. As I said in my last post, I can't even begin to write it all down. And what can me and my husband do? Nothing. We can't do a thing. 

It is 7:15 a.m. and I am getting ready to go home and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.  I agreed to work another night shift because money is as always, tight. And maybe it is my way of escaping right now. 

So, yes.  Grand-baby is here but already the problems have started and I just do not have the time or the energy to write it all here. If I wrote for the next hour I would not get it all down.  My husband is having chest pains and I am walking around with a sick feeling in my stomach. At times I am shaking. Understand, that I am not trying to be  cryptic.  It is just that I don't know where to start.  It is the kind of stuff that needs to be shared over a cup of coffee (with Baileys) with the understanding that right now there are no answers.  There is a lot of sighing involved. The space between my eyebrows is constantly pulled together in a frown. I wish my mom was here. She would know what to do. She would.  My mom was wise. So, wise. 

To add to it all, I need to make some major decisions about my kids education. They are 15 & 17 and the education they are currently receiving is not working for them anymore. It will all work out but it is causing me much stress.  Actually, I don't know if it will work out. It seems each decision could be the wrong decision.

And that is my week. Too tired to blog. Working and working. Little wee babies who have no choices and grandparents whose hands are tied. 

Too tired to proofread this post. Sorry for not reading and commenting on your blogs. 

She's Here!

She came into the world at 5:00 a.m. this morning. She is just beautiful. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces.  She appears to be in good health. 

I am a Nana! 

(I am off to work, will write more later.)

The New Vagina Post

If you are like me, you will have been drawn in by that title. Be warned now that it is far too much information but it is interesting all the same. (If you are a boy don't read this and skip to the next paragraph.) Most of you know that I had surgery 8 weeks ago.  And almost most of you know that I use a Diva cup for when Aunt Flow shows up. Up until now I was forbidden to "put anything in there" . It turns out I have a new vagina. That is all I have to say about that.

This week I have been busy and have not been blogging. I am so far behind in reading posts I just have to start from today. Let me know if anything drastic happened in your life this week so I can go read the post. That includes but not limited to births, deaths, marriages, being arrested and/or incarcerated, broken bones, strains, stitches, hospital stays, murdering or falling out of a tree. 

Well, the party I voted for got in for my constituency but not for the province. There is no point going into how disheartened I am. On election day I did volunteer which was actually fun. A few funny stories. There was a little boy about 2 that came in with his grandparents so they could vote. He thought they had told him he was going on a boat. Poor little dude. That will probably stop him from every wanting anything to do with voting for the rest of his life. Imagine being 2 and thinking you were going on a boat then having your heart crushed while your grandparents vote. They were lovely people and I bet they took him for ice cream to soothe his heartbreak. There was another guy that freaked the fuck out when I took his yellow voters card. That is what I was supposed to do but he didn't like it. Maybe he thought I was going to mug him, I don't know.  Even though we had the lowest voter turnout in years I could not believe the diversity of people that vote. Business people, doctors, Hell's Angels, drunks, first time voters, veterans, pregnant women due that day, women with newborns that had a Cesarean and could barely walk, old hippies, young hippies, surfers, teachers and minorities.  There were people that turned up with no identification. The most amusing thing is how stereotypically polite Canadians are. Most people thanked me twice, once when going in to vote and then again coming out. Volunteering is definitely something I will do again.

My step-daughter's baby is due in ten days. Going to be a grandma really soon! Please pray or send good energy. If you have been reading my blog you will know why. We are quite worried. Worried but excited. 

Sad Cat Diary

Mother's Day

My mom with my sister, me and my brother.
1980

In honor of our Mothers

who have passed away

Another Mother's Day is here,
And I still miss having you near.
You were the best mom you could be,
And I never once doubted your love for me.

I could spend each Mother's Day in sorrow,
Crying and wishing you were here,
But instead I choose to celebrate your life,
A life I still hold so dear.

I know you'd rather see me smile
Than stand here with tears in my eyes.
So I'll do my best to honor your memory,
And you'll live on as long as I am alive

(OK, I will cry a little.)

Over the last few days I have spent, what seems like hours and hours in our yard. My body gets sore and tired quickly so I do the work in short bursts and then come in and rest. That said, I have loaded up 4 garbage cans of weeds. And as always with weeds, there are still a lot more to be done. I don't even know what I have done exactly but here are a few pictures.

This old toolbox was at the thrift store last week for a price of $20.00. Who would spend that amount on an old toolbox? I went back today and it was still there but without a price. The lady at the till gave it to me for $5.00 and I knew it needed to be loved by me. I brought it home and made it into a planter. 

This little box was also there. It looks like it must have been a high school student's woodworking project. Now it is a planter! 

A better view of the thrifted wheelbarrow, that is now...a planter!

My trusty gardening gloves. 

Chives.

Our yard. Another thing I did was built up the bed behind the swing with more large rocks and soil. Not sure what I am going to plant there yet. 

Today I also spread out the compost on this bed. Strawberries are already coming up and we will plant vegetables soon. 

And now I am tired and will go to bed but won't be able to sleep. 

My Low Self Esteem - Lite

"It's that all my life...everybody seems to be doing or catching on to things a second faster or better than me."

That is a quote from the move, Sister Act.  That movie came out in 1991 and when I heard Sister Mary Roberts say it it was if things I had been thinking about myself my entire life were finally put into words. Since then I have grown and no longer have that bottomless pit of low self-esteem but the more things change the more they stay the same.

Today I went to a training session on being a volunteer for as an Information Officer for our upcoming election. Trust me when I say it sounds more important that it is. First of all I was late because I got lost.  I had to go to the tourist bureau to ask for directions.  Twice.  Anyway, the session is going on and there were about 25 people there. The instructor was talking so fast. Everybody is knowingly nodding. And then there is me. "What page are we on?"  It also seems like everyone has known each other for years. My introvert self is hiding and hoping nobody will ask me a question that requires an answer to prove I know what is going on. We broke into groups and I went into my 'make them laugh' mode. It always works! But then the instructor comes along and ruins my perfectly fun time. I bungled through the answer. Meanwhile everyone else in the room has finished the quiz and I am still wondering what page we are on. Thank god for the woman beside me that had been an Information Officer before and showed me what the hell was going on. But yes, every person in the room had it figured out before I did. One thing that is good is when I figure things out it usually sticks with me for years. 

It has been such a long day. My body is exhausted. It feels the way you feel when you have just gotten over the Flu. I fell asleep at 8:00 but beloved came to bed and his snoring woke me up. I haven't missed my mom like this in months. But, I am so happy with her tree. It makes me happy that I have somewhere I can go to and sit and think about her. Since she was cremated and by her request her ashes have not been spread so I have had nowhere to go.

Today I cried and cried. It is a difficult thing, this being human. In our culture we do not like death and the emotions that go with it. We are told to be strong and, "never, never, never stop". It is bad to sit down in weakness and cry. Even the day after the bombings in Boston they were talking about "moving forward" and "healing". WTF? No! It is a horrible thing that happened and healing takes months or years. Sometimes healing never happens. I am sure for the families, there will never be an absolution or healing. 

We are broken vessels. We are broken from abuse, we are broken from parents who did a bad job, we are broken from teachers who told us we were stupid, we are broken because magazines told us we were fat, we are broken from churches that told us who god is and why we are bad and would never meet his standards.  We are broken from rifts in our family and friendships.

The bookstores has shelves upon shelves of books to make us better and fix our brokenness but usually only make us feel worse. Last week I picked up a book by a woman who had gone through an episode of depression for a year and is better now. What about the people who fight it everyday, the broken ones who get up every morning wondering if this will be a Black Dog day? A lot of us will fight depression for the rest of our lives.

Anyway, I am rambling.

My mom's death has left me broken. Her not being here hurts. Maybe just for today I will accept that I am broken and be OK with it. It is a good idea for all of us. We are broken and we don't need to be fixed. 

It is time for me to go back to bed.

Oh, mirror in the sky 
What is love? 
Can the child within my heart rise above? 
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides? 
Can I handle the seasons of my life? 

 Well, I've been afraid of changing 
'Cause I've built my life around you 
But time makes you bolder 
Children get older 
I'm getting older too...

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today my mom would have been 67. My day started with tears. It seemed they were there before I even woke up. I decided I need to do something today to make the day a remembrance of her so I went to the nursery and bought a new tree. This one is a Magnolia tree. 

My daughter added her sparkly rock. Unfortunately  you can't see the sparkles in the picture. I added the blue marbles to signify our tears. There have been a lot of them. 

My son has loved frogs since he  year old when he received his first frog. He added some of his favourite frogs. One is a frog with wings and the other croaks when you walk by it.

I added two candle holders  My mom loved to sing and sang lead in a woman's chorus. And she loved family. For her, the hardest part of dying was saying goodbye to her beloved grandchildren. Her happiest times were when she was spending time with them.

Every birthday needs balloons. I had purchased 4 but one accidentally blew away.  Maybe it is in heaven now. I just hope when it gets there she knows it is for her. I am filthy in this picture because I just finished planting. As my mom used to say, I look like the Wreck of the Hesperus. Bonus points to you if you had a parent of grandparent that said this silly saying.

We all filled out a card for her and I left it at the tree. I miss my mom every single moment of every day. 







Happy Birthday, Mom. 

Gardening and Grief

"Life is so very difficult." That is what Norbert said to me when I asked how his day was going. When I pressed him as to what he had done he told me that was his own personal private business. He yawned and went to sleep. My suspicion is he did nothing today. Again. 

It is a bit of a sad week. My mom's birthday is tomorrow and my nana died 9 years ago on the 6th. Her death doesn't pinch like my mom's death does but I sure do miss her. She was a great Nana and she and I were very close. When I think of her now I do not think of her in death but in life and all the fun we used to have.


The picture to the left if the tree my husband planted for me a year after my mom died. The damn deer came and destroyed it. We were hoping the tree would come back but I think it is done. If you can see the garden frog by the sign you will see that his eye is chipped. My mom was walking through the garden centre beside her work one day and bought him because she felt sorry for it and knew nobody would want it.

We planted some lavender today.  Have I mentioned that lavender is my favourite? This is Spanish Lavender.

This old wheelbarrow was sitting in a scrap heap at a thrift store so I grabbed it and planted Marigolds. You can see in the background there is more lavender, but a different type. There is also Trillium that is from my husband's mom's garden. I never met her because she died 3 months before my husband and I met. 

I also weeded. A lot! Two huge garbage cans full. I just weeded last week and I am not really sure where all the weeds came from. We are slowly winning the fight with the invasive ivy. Today I pulled a lot out that was between the neighbour that taps and our yard. 

This is our other cat. He is 17 and his interests are sleeping and eating. And eating. He likes to pretend that he is old and feeble but if you throw a cat treat he moves like a fucking cheetah. He loves to eat. He also likes to pretend he can't get on the bed but we decided that we weren't going to help him anymore then all of a sudden he could do it. He wanted me to tell you that he likes to eat and would not turn down cat treats is you want to bring him some. 

...resting on our swing. I scored the swing for free. He will spend the summer here. He will not move if someone else wants to sit on it. 

Other than my arms being scratched up to bits from weeding it was a good day! 

 Bluebirds of Happiness. I will thank you for not mentioning how filthy my window is! 

A Middle of the Night Post

It is 2:42. And yes, I am awake. Last night I had my bath and by 8:00 I was so tired. My daughter, the poor lamb was curled up in a ball on her bed with cramps and had fallen asleep. I ran her a hot bath and gave her some ibuprofen and went to bed to read but I couldn't hold up the book. My C-Pap was on and the light was off so I guess I decided to just sleep. And yet again, it is the middle of the night and I'm awake. oh well

My great great great grandmother.

Yesterday I went to our family history library and eeeeeeee! I had so much fun! The people there were as excited as I was about geneology as I am. It was cool because I was able to teach them some things about doing a search but they were able to teach me even more. I had always been under the impression that the library and the archives were housed in the same place. It turns out not to be the case. And they turned me on to more resources for checking my family's past. In the field of geneology I am considered to be advanced, just a step down from expert but I am always, always learning new things. 

OK, I have had my toast and milk and I am going to try to go back to sleep. 

Zinga!

Hot flash a few minutes ago so I have taken my laptop outside to post. A mosquito flew by and I killed it. I deaded it!  Don't mess with a woman having a hot flash!  Incidentally, and you can ask my husband, I have a super power when it comes to killing mosquitoes. There was once when I killed something like 18 in one night. I can just grab them out of the air. Lighting fast speed. zinga! Dead. I think it is one of the reasons my husband married me. 

This week (the 5th) would have been my mom's 67th birthday. If I sit and think about it I feel sad. Very sad. So I don't think about it. Maybe that is how we get through grief. Just trying not to think about it. The thing is, it isn't her birthday or Mother's day or Christmas that get me really sad. It is having a hot flash and dyeing my hair purple and she is not here to share it with me. It is the everyday stuff. The things I *do* think about. Her birthday is easier to put aside. But the small stuff. That is the stuff that gets me. The hardest part is not having a woman in my life. You know, a woman who is part of my tribe. I think that is the reason I love blogging. You are all part of my tribe. You, oh wise women. I sure do love all of you. 

Now I am freezing again and wrapped up in my robe. Still outside. 

It was a fruitful endevour at the library today. Aside from the multiple street people using the computers for the free internet it was a good trip. Today I found the year that my grandfather came from England. I knew he was born there but up until today I had no idea when or how he got to Canada. It turns out he came here in 1926 and landed in Halifax. How he made it to British Columbia remains to be seen. This may seem so insignificant but this is gold for a genealogist. Tomorrow I am going to go do some more research and see what turns up.