It has been such a long day. My body is exhausted. It feels the way you feel when you have just gotten over the Flu. I fell asleep at 8:00 but beloved came to bed and his snoring woke me up. I haven't missed my mom like this in months. But, I am so happy with her tree. It makes me happy that I have somewhere I can go to and sit and think about her. Since she was cremated and by her request her ashes have not been spread so I have had nowhere to go.
Today I cried and cried. It is a difficult thing, this being human. In our culture we do not like death and the emotions that go with it. We are told to be strong and, "never, never, never stop". It is bad to sit down in weakness and cry. Even the day after the bombings in Boston they were talking about "moving forward" and "healing". WTF? No! It is a horrible thing that happened and healing takes months or years. Sometimes healing never happens. I am sure for the families, there will never be an absolution or healing.
We are broken vessels. We are broken from abuse, we are broken from parents who did a bad job, we are broken from teachers who told us we were stupid, we are broken because magazines told us we were fat, we are broken from churches that told us who god is and why we are bad and would never meet his standards. We are broken from rifts in our family and friendships.
The bookstores has shelves upon shelves of books to make us better and fix our brokenness but usually only make us feel worse. Last week I picked up a book by a woman who had gone through an episode of depression for a year and is better now. What about the people who fight it everyday, the broken ones who get up every morning wondering if this will be a Black Dog day? A lot of us will fight depression for the rest of our lives.
Anyway, I am rambling.
My mom's death has left me broken. Her not being here hurts. Maybe just for today I will accept that I am broken and be OK with it. It is a good idea for all of us. We are broken and we don't need to be fixed.
It is time for me to go back to bed.
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too...
Big hug.
ReplyDeleteBrokenness is the human condition. You are human too. We all are. That's why it makes no sense for society to push people to never show it, as you point out.
ReplyDeleteThe landslide will bring you down when you're ready.
ReplyDeleteI prefer to think less that we are broken but more like we are merely dented.
Today is my MIL's birthday. I'm going to drive around in my new wheels and maybe buy some flowers. She'd love that.
Big hugs to you on this tough day. Dance if you want to. Cry if you want to.
I like to think we'll all heal eventually.
ReplyDeleteoh Barbara... I am sending you a beam of light to surround you and keep you warm ... you are loved my friend... it is a hard phase...and no book or words can prepare one for the pain it can cause. Thinking of you my dear!
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ReplyDeleteOh Barbara, I don't know what to say, since I haven't experienced this yet. I may be broadsided when it finally happens but I know I didn't/don't have the same relationship with my Mother as you had with yours.
She must have made you feel so loved and cherished. I hope with time there will be a strong scar knitting together the broken bits and that you will be able to revisit your memories with more happiness than sorrow.
In the meantime, let it out. Much healthier than to pretend everything is okay when it isn't. xx
I feel your loss, sympathies. It gets easier, bit by bit, year by year. You learn to look at the years you had them with you as a gift instead of the years you'll miss as a burden. You'll learn to play the relativity game, to imagine what it might have been like to lose them at a young age, or to imagine your kids without you now. I think none of us ever get enough time really, some of us are just more cheated than others.
ReplyDeleteYour mom knows how much you love her, and another thing that helped me was knowing how much Dad would not want me to be sad. It would have made him mad to think we were less happy than we could be, because he loved life and laughter so much, and he tried to always make the best of everything. So I try to follow his example, and let the sad days happen, but make sure I have good ones too, to honor him.
Good luck with the healing. It is a long journey. And I'm no expert, it's coming up on the fifth anniversary of his death, and just yesterday, he popped into my mind and I burst into tears to think of him and how much I miss him still. I like to think he'd allow me the occasional lapse. :)