Sweet Adelines

Sometimes there are blessings that just knock your socks off.  My mom is a member of Sweet Adelines. They are a highly respected worldwide organization of women singing barbershop harmony.  Because chemo has had it's way, my mom has not been able to sing for a few years now but tonight her local chapter is coming to sing for her.  Wow!  I was so touched that they would do this.  My mom has a lot of friends.  I mean a LOT.  When she turned 60 I put on a birthday party for  her.  As we went through the invite list she had over 100 women, not including family.  I think my mom has kept in contact with every single person she met since she was about five years old!  How she did that I will never know.  She always made time for every one and always spilled her love to everyone she met.  My mom is full of light and love. There is nothing about her to dislike!  I am serious.  She has only two people she disliked in her life.  One of them was a "friend" that ended up making advances on my dad.  Still even then my mom would not speak ill of her in front of many people.
So, tonight my mom will be graced with a group of woman singing for her.  Just for her because she is loved immensely.  I am not sure how they are all going to fit in my parents tiny 900 sq. foot home but if they need to stand on tables we will fit them all in.  I am going to video it with my camera and I hope that it will turn out nice enough to post.  Yes, we are blessed.  Give out love and it is returned to you a thousand fold.


Namaste 


And here is the link.  They talk a bit in the beginning and for some reason it cuts out.  Oh, well.  The amazing part is the song they chose is a mirror of my post.  Here they are singing, "Can You Feel the Love?"
I can feel the love and it is so good...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhJ4bgE7id4

Gartan Mother's Lullaby

I have 2 posts for Mother's day so there is another one below this one. 


I don't know, this song seems appropriate for my mom so I changed the written lyrics. 

Garten Mother's Lullaby

Sleep, my mom, for the red bee hums
The silent twilight falls
Eavell from the gray rock comes
To wrap the world in thralls

And lyin' there, oh, my mom, my joy
My love and heart's desire
The crickets sing you a lullaby
Beside the dyin' fire

Dusk has come and the green man's horn
Is wreathed in rings of fog
Shivrah sails his boat till morn
Along the starry bog

And over it all the paley moon
Has gleamed her cusp in dew
And weeps to hear the sad sleep tune
I sing, oh love, to you

And lyin' there, oh, my mom, my joy

My love and heart's desire

The crickets sing you a lullaby

Beside the dyin' fire

The Green Man - it is said if you see him in the morning, "no ill follows"; but if at night, death or some other terrible misfortune will surely overtake you. He is sometimes called Fear Liath, or the Grey Man.

Eavell is a meaning of time.
Shivrah is a fairy. 


Namaste

Mother's Day

Tomorrow I will go to my mom and dad's and spend my mom's last  Mother's day with her.  I am  writing her a letter as no gift will ever express my overflowing heart.  I have been blessed to have her.  So blessed.  
I will rub and kiss my sister's belly and send my love to my new niece who is waiting to begin her life.  And so it goes.  
  


Namaste

Going Home - Do Not Resuscitate

As fast as she went into palliative care at the hospital my mom is now being sent home for out-patient palliative care.  Her pain is managed and she is going home to spend the final weeks sleeping beside my dad at night.  I am sure they have a lot to say to each other in the privacy of their home. 
The doctor was going over the forms with me this morning and mentioned the Do Not Resuscitate order and that is when cancer has yet again slapped me in the face.  It does not get any more final that that.  
I don't know what the positive in all this is.  I do know I am thankful that I have had my mom for 40 years.  The Carnista lost her battle this week with Ovarian cancer and leaves behind two boys, 9 & 6.  That is beyond cruel.  I suppose at the end of the day I should be grateful that I have had her for 40 years  but I am still angry.  I have a great uncle (87)  that is a drunk.  He drinks and drives. He smokes and his fingers are black.  He has a "thing" for young men and boys.  He sickens me.  I have a client that is and angry uncaring man.  His family has disowned him.  He is a former Nazi and still takes time to bash "the Jews" and everyone else on the planet that is not from Germany.  He is full of hate.  I look after several old ladies that spend  their days in wheel chairs, completely demented.  Everything is done for them.  The sit in front of the TV for hours on end.  No quality of life.  And do I actually have to admit I am in the bargaining stage of grief right now?  Take them God.  My sweet mother is still needed and loved here.  She and my dad are crazy in love.  I need her.  Who is going to counsel me now?  Who is going to love me like only a mom can?  My kids need her.  She loves them more than life itself.  A grandparents love is a very special thing.  Both my mom and dad have spent a lot of time with my kids over the years.  There were times when I was working and in school that they saw them more than I did.  My kids have gone camping with them. They fished, roasted marshmallows and played endless games of cards.  That is over now.
I guess now I have no choice but to begrudgingly accept it.  It? Her dying.  
I am hoping my words make sense because I am too tired and just don't care to proofread. 

65

Well, as of today my mom made it to 65.  Well whoopdefuckingdingdong (not a word according to the spell check.) She spent this milestone in palliative care eating a diabetic meal that she hated and didn't finish.  And she joked with a sadness that she wouldn't be here for 66.  Don't misunderstand. Please don't.  Every day she is here is a good day.  But it is coming to the point where the line between living a life that has quality is clouded by a crappy life where you don't know if the fight is worth it any more.  
Ironically, I ran into one of my life-long friends while on the palliative ward. Her father-in law has cancer.  She already lost her dad 4 years ago this month to the monster. 
I hate cancer.  I hate it. It takes.  It is evil.  It is insidious and sneaky.  It gives you hope then rips it from your grasp.  And I see the amount of money going to stupid shit like making movies and fighting wars that can't be won.  I see money being thrown at the feet of hockey players and football stars.  And people keep dying... 


(My apologies for my morose writing tonight.  I actually feel OK in a way.  I went to Reiki today.  I am just tired.)

Finally...

Is is strange to be glad that my mom is finally in Palliative care?  I won't even go into what went on yesterday.  I will just say yesterday was the worst day so far for all of us.  The doctor took in upon himself to tell her that she only had a few months to live.  First off, we had specific conversations with the doctor that this conversation would happen at a later date.  The second problem was he told her when nobody else was with her.   How bad is your bedside manner to tell someone they have months to live with no support person present?  Again, we specifically told the doctor that we wanted to be present for this.  My mom was devastated.  She was thinking she had about a year, not "months".  To piss me off all the more, this was not even the palliative doctor that told her this, it was her surgeon.  In my opinion he should have left the telling up to the palliative doctor with family present.  


So, what is this? The "anger" part of grief? Anyway, as of this afternoon, my mom is now on the palliative ward where she will have people around her that can deal with this in a loving and professional way. I already spoke to the palliative nurse who gave me reassurance.  My mom's room is private and looks out to a garden.  


As for me, I woke up and took the kids to school today then came home, shut my bedroom door and went back to sleep for four hours.  I have been reading blogs ever since.  I even cleaned the two bathrooms and put in a load of laundry.  I am feeling quite clear headed today. I am coming down with a bit of a cold but I am taking some Cold-Fx and Oil of Oregano.  Now I am off to pick up my kids and to the post office because my books have arrived. Whooot!

I want to thank those of you that stop by and leave messages and even of those of you that are "lurking' but sending your positive energy and prayer to my mom and our family.  I really can feel it and it makes my heart full.

PS- The above cartoon actually made me giggle.  :-)

Still Waiting

My mom was to be transferred to palliative care yesterday or today but I have heard nothing.  I have been waiting since yesterday for a call from the Palliative doctor but it has not come.  For some odd reason my dad has turned off his cell so I can't get a hold of him either.  I called the hospital three times yesterday and did not receive any answers.  And I am so damn tired.  I was up early this morning to take my kids to school and I found my eyes closing while driving.  I have booked tomorrow and Friday off work but I have to work today.  I have no money saved for a time like this.  (You can thank our Conservative government for that. They have forced low wages on us for over a decade.  But that is a story for another day.)   So, I start work in 20 minutes and all I want to do is sleep.  Actually, all I want it for my mom to be well.  She turns 65 on Thursday.  Mother's day is on Sunday.  Both will be bitter-sweet.  There will be no more birthdays, no more Mother's days.  I hate that.  My emotions and "stages of grief" go back and forth as I breathe. Right now I am just numb with the acceptance because I am helpless.  My mom remains drugged to the hilt and is not in pain at the moment and can't stay awake for more than a minute or two.  

*sigh*

That sound seems to come from so many of us today. What are we supposed to be feeling?

How are we to feel about Bin Laden? I do not rejoice in his death. I am a pacifist and do not believe war is the answer. I will not return hate for hate, I won't. My kids are asking questions, good questions that challenge me. "But isn't it good that he is dead?" No, son this was not what God wanted for him. This is not what God wants for us. There is a better way. You have to live peace.

What encourages me is that every blog I have read today has the same idea.  We all want peace.  We ~sigh~ and we try to understand but maybe that is what immobilizes us. Have we given up on peace?  Should we?  I think not.  Tomorrow when you go out in the world be kind and forgiving to one another.  Look people in the eye. Love one another.

When I die I want five simple words printed on my headstone, 

"Be Good To One Another"

I plan to live this until my last breath.  I will not allow the evil on this planet to dismay me!  Do not let it dismay you!  Be of good courage, dear ones.  Be of good courage. 

So, I post this video. 

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.  Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.  Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Update - I have just learned that this quote is not from MLK jr.  It spread like wildfire on the internet today and I did not confirm its validity.  My mistake.  Sorry.  The sentiment it true.  

"Nonviolence is a weapon of the strong" - Mahatma Gandhi                              

And Another Day Finished

I don't want to post today.   So far, blogging does not seem to help and at this point I highly doubt I will ever want to read this again.  The kids and I went to see my mom this morning.  She is looking very tired.  She is still in denial.  How can you say goodbye when the person you are saying goodbye to doesn't know they are going anywhere?   Tomorrow or Tuesday will be arranging of Palliative care.  I have to work tomorrow but will just have to leave work early as I want to be there to help make decisions.  
Personally, I am just feeling a sad numbness today.  I slept most of the day.  I got up to make dinner and do a bit of housework but I am going to be going to bed early tonight.  My heart is physically aching.  I feel like my spirit has been vacuumed out of me.  Even while writing this post I have had to stop several times to rest and put my head down on my desk.  I am also thinking ahead to her funeral and how I want to honour her but nothing I could do or say could ever come close to that.  She is an amazing woman.  I believe we all learn many lessons in this life but one lesson she never had to learn was loving and giving abundantly of herself.  Anyone who ever met her knew this.  Our world is going to be less one amazing and truly giving person.  I don't understand why God takes the beautiful ones.  Tonight I don't even want to think about why because there are no answers.  It is a question that we all ask when some truly beautiful person leaves us too soon.  I am glad that God is all loving and has broad shoulders because I am angry at Her right now.  Even though, I still feel loved and that I am nestled tight to her bosom.   
In other events, my sister's baby is still tucked safe inside her.  My sister and her husband lost a baby through miscarriage this year so we want this baby to stay safe where she belongs.  She is at 33 weeks now.  I also ask for a safe and healthy delivery for both my sister and  the baby girl inside her. 


Namaste

My Day

I guess the time has come when I will eventually have to tell people.  I am not ready for that but people need to know.  I ran into my beautiful aunt today and she asked how I was and I started crying and had to tell her.  She gave me the tightest most wonderful hug, transferring part of her strong faith to me.  She also gave me a handkerchief which I will keep with me to remind me the love of my family and how they with hold me and my mom up in prayer and in love.  I am blessed.  Abundantly so.


I had a dream last night that my mom had died.    I woke up crying.  I took an Ativan and went back to sleep.  I slept until noon.  After I woke up my finance and I went to feed the ducks in "our" new backyard.  (It doesn't belong to us exclusively, it belongs to the city but I am going to call it "mine" or "ours")  There were not many ducks.  I guess they are sitting on their nests waiting to bring new life into the world.  Click to "imbiggen" the pictures!

 My Waterfall

 My flower

 My Trillium

 Another part of my waterfall

 My bumpy tree. This tree really is mine now simply because I love it.  I gave it a pat today when I walked by.  I think I will actually give it a name and hug it every time I walk by.  I am from the Pacific Northwest and tree hugging is a normal thing to do. I see a rabbit in this tree.  Do you?  Any ideas for names? Maybe "Bunnie".  

 My Indian paintbrush.

 My favourite tree is the Weeping Willow.  I can't get to this tree to hug it but I will love it just the same.  It needs a name too.  I think I will call her Willow.

 A duck resting in the sun. He might have a wife but he is mine too! 

 We sat for a long time in our new backyard.  It was rejuvenating.  I am so grateful for the ducks, trees, flowers and waterfalls.  

Namaste

Introducing...Grief

I had to tell my kids tonight.  I mean, they already knew.  I have done my best as a mom to prepare them for this over the last few years. But tonight I had to tell them that Nana's  time on earth is coming to an end.  But how can I prepare them when I am not prepared myself? My daughter is 13 and has tears but she deals with things differently than I do.  She is strong. Or maybe she is just not  understanding the finality of it all.  My son is 15 and has always been a wise person.  My son who now towers over me.  My son who has such strength of character sobbed.  He initially hid his grief.  Once when he was a young boy I decided to clean his room and get rid of some of his stuffed toys.  I went looking for him 20 minutes later and couldn't find him.  He was hidden wrapped up with all the stuffed toys and crying.  He was not ready to let them go.  Tonight when I told him that Nana was nearing the end he did much the same thing.  He went into the bathroom and quietly gave way to his grief.  I called him out and asked him to come and sit with me.  He at first refused, he wanted to hide his grief.  He came from the other room, eyes red and tears streaming down his face.  My tall strong son, broken.  I put my arms around him and told him he did not need to hide away the hurt.  We sat for several minutes and now he is in bed.  I can hear him sniffing.  My mother heart wants to go to him and tell him everything is going to be ok.  But, it isn't going to be okay.  This is going to cause pain for a long time, maybe for the rest of his life as Lana can attest to.    I realize one of the awful lessons we need to each our children is how to hurt, how to grieve.  It is a hard lesson.  But it is my job to teach them to open their hearts and allow the pain to flow out.  


Namaste

Palliative

I spoke to my mom's nurse today and asked how things were really going.  Now it is just about pain control.  The nurse will speak to her doctor when he does his rounds this evening about moving her to the Palliative ward.  
When I spoke to the nurse I was bewildered.  I kept thinking, "I am too young to be having this conversation. You need to be speaking to someone else."  But I am old enough.  It is just when it comes to my mom and dad I have always been the child.  They have always taken care of everything.  They are the strong ones!  It feels like I am not old enough to be making life and death decisions. But I am.  I don't know how to do this!  Why is it that everyone else out there has their shit together and can deal with this hell?  I sure can't.  This whole battle I have felt three years old.  I am not dealing with this with "dignity, grace and acceptance". 
At any rate, I spoke to the nurse and actually requested she move to the palliative ward.  I actually requested she not be sent home to die.   And I feel like a shit for that.  What kind of person prefers to request that her mother die at the hospital?  I don't know what is right.  All I care right now that she will come to some sort of peace as she is very depressed right now.  
And I asked God that she does not have to lay in bed for days with that awful death rattle.  Please, not that.  
I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  I am not ready to say good bye and yet I can't handle to see her suffer.  Yes, I do know what I feel!  I want her to be healthy and well.  I want more time wih her.  I want my mom for another twenty Mother's days.  Her birthday is May 5.  I want her here for twenty more of those too.  But, who ever promised we could get what we want in life.
My god, this hurts so bad. Tears come faster than I can wipe them away. I sob. I can't breathe. 


Namaste

My Mind is Blank

I am without words.  Well, actually I have a lot but I  don't want to think about them right now.  So, instead I will share my talismans.   I don't really think of them as "good luck" but having these things in my life makes me happy.  All of them are small and did not cost much but what they signify tells it all. (Click on pictures to imbiggen!)

~My books mean a lot to me, especially ones on my Quaker beliefs.  In the pile is, "The Road to Mecca" because I understand Helen or rather, she understands me.  

~My worry dolls sleep in a drawer beside my bed.  Lately I have been taking them out and putting them on my bed stand.

 ~There is a piece of Rose Quartz on a necklace from a family friend that died from ALS.  

~My crow stickers, the newest addition to my treasures.

~A piece of Amethyst

 ~My Angel and Fairy cards.

~An Ovarian cancer pin given to me by a woman about my age that lost her mother to Ovarian cancer. 

~Three rings.  A mood ring for fun, a ring from my great aunt and my 16th birthday ring from my mom and dad.  

~Chocolate!  Organic and dark!  

~My sketch book for drawing out what I am feeling any particular day. 

~My purple lavender sleep stones. 

~ A Mandala book.

~The Velveteen Rabbit.

 ~ A book of poetry written by the same Aunt that gave me the ring.  

~My pencil crayons in an Emily Carr (my favourite artist and author) tin. 

~One of my favourite books right now, Life is a Verb.  

~Not in this picture is every book written by Emily Carr.  I also have some of her prints.

  ~The blue scarf is something I picked up simply because I love the colour.  

~This is my cat Norbert.  He is not a thing.  I love him very much and he offers a lot of love when he is not being a cranky ornery cat.  Which is his job. 

~And the things that you can't see are the people in my life that I hold so close to my heart it hurts.  

Namaste

Time Away

My fiancé and I went away this weekend.  We both needed the time away. 

Spring had arrived.

 Someone doesn't understand what being green means.  That is almost a sin here on the west coast. 

I made another cat friend.  I have made a lot of cat friends in my travels. 

I went into Chinatown where I bought come CD's and an amethyst that I can squeeze my grief into.

I found a message for all of us on some steps.  

I found some seagulls to love.

I love crows too.  Because someone has to.

I searched for a four-leaf clover so  I could make a wish.
  I didn't find one. 

We went to different book stores where I cried in the death and grieving section.  A thought came to me while standing there that maybe if I never moved again my mom would not be able to die.  I cried on the way home because I am returning to something I am not ready to deal with.  I returned to my kids and my cat.  And life continues even if I don't want it to.


Namaste

  

The Pendulam

I have been swinging back and forth with emotion.  I am feeling more centered now. Reiki helps.  I have been meditating, focusing on love in this great and powerful universe. This, as painful as it is, is a small blip on what God has planned.  I can't begin to understand it. I have tried.  On a bigger picture we all try every day to make sense of our universe.  We want to understand.  I have raged at God.  But as of yet, I or nobody else has been given an answer as to why bad things happen.  Maybe we need to pour all our focus on the good things, the love.  Many us read others blogs because we want to connect and love others.  We also want to be loved. I know I have received that  already. I feel your love and Reiki energy all around me.  How beautiful is that? So many of us, so different, but our energy is the same. It goes deep and can't be described in words. It is so ultimately perfect and good.  It is good.  There is evil and bad all around us but wow, the good is so good.  


Namaste


Here is one of my meditation songs I have been listening to.  

I want to be able and look back and not forget this journey, as big and terrible as it is.  So, I will keep posting.


I spoke to my dad today about when the time comes and she is in the very last stages of living. ( I don't like  the word dying.)   Home or hospital? I am a Home Support nurse and a large part of my job is palliative.  Dying at home is nice but it is not all sunshine and roses.  For the most part, your home turns into a mini hospital room.  A hospital bed.  A wheelchair.  A walker. IV poles, hospital bed sheets, bed pads, catheter bags (night and day), medications, little garbage bags, boxes of Kleenex, hospital gowns, raised toilet seats, bath chair, commodes, nurses coming and going, social workers, home support nurses and on and on. I want what is best for my mom but the reality is I need to think of my dad. He has to be able to live there after and not have to look at the place where the hospital bed was, the place where his wife died.   And yet, maybe that is what will be best. I don't know.  Then I wonder how I can look at this so calmly.  


I am going away for the night this weekend.  We booked this a few weeks back and were going to cancel.  But I think I need to get away and think, though thinking is all I am doing right now. There is an exhibit of my favourite artist but I just can't make myself care.  Normally I would be jumping at the chance.  The thought of wandering around the museum does not fascinate me at the moment. 


 My cat is peeing everywhere.  Very stressed.  He hates people coming in and looking at our home nearly everyday.  He also is picking up on my stress.  Right now he is hiding behind my laptop.  He let me do a few minutes of Reiki on him today but then gave me a love nip to say that he had enough. Poor cat.  I am usually a very quiet person and have very few guests. The last three weeks there has probably been close to 45 different people in here.  




Went to Reiki today but I ruined it by having caffeine and now I can't sleep. 


Namaste.

Well, I guess it is time for a new post.  Right now my mom is in surgery to have a colostomy bag put on. The surgeon is not 100% hopeful that he can even do that.  The cancer is everywhere. I have taken a few days off work to let this settle in.  I hope I will be more clear headed next week.  


It is so strange how two weeks ago all I was thinking about was getting my home on the market to sell.  Now that is done and people are coming through and though I want it sold as soon as possible it is no longer in the front of my mind.  It just is sitting there floating in the back of my mind as I go around keeping it presentable.


I had my mom set up yesterday to receive Hospice care but now she is refusing. I am disappointed  because I know how amazing Hospice is.  She has gone from acceptance to denial. I have never been a fan of Kubler-Ross and her 5 stages of grief.  I believe grief is a continuum.  Infinite. I believe all five stages are always going on within themselves and we can go back and forth.  The hardest part is at the epicentre.  That is where the strongest feelings of anger, denial, bargaining and depression take place. Some days are worse than others.  Some minutes are worse than others.  Even with my own grief on this journey I can be in the centre at any moment. Crying and anger but an hour later I am away from the centre of the "8" and just feel tired and numb.  And this will never end.  Ever.  Even thirty years from now I can experience the same awful feelings I feel now but the episodes in the epicentre will be much further apart, months or years.  The time spent in the epicentre may only last a few minutes or a day or two. A birthday or anniversary.  A reminder. In the later years we drift on acceptance.  What else is there to do? 


What I wish for my mom and ask for my readers to pray for for, is that she makes it until my sister has her baby and that she gets one last summer with my dad at their cabin.  That is what we all want right now.  One more summer. 


 Namaste


Update - My mom got our of surgery at 1:30 am and was able to get the colostomy bag.  That  is a relief.  She will be able to be comfortable now.  I am going to Reiki today.  Reiki. What would I do without Reiki?  I also ask my Reiki healer friends to please send your positive energy this way for me and my mom.