We just got back from having dinner at my dad and step-mom's. This is my biological father. Mind, I am not close with my father. It was my step-dad that raised me. My biological father was/is an alcoholic (my main reason for going to Al Anon). It seems over the years my father has mellowed. It has been years since I actually saw him drunk. He still drinks but I no longer see him being the mean and abusive drunk that he was. That said, I do not know what he is like behind closed doors. His wife is an absolutely lovely woman. She has always been so sweet and kind. She is the reason we even get together as a family because she loves to entertain and have family get-togethers. Even though I am 43 and have not had an active alcoholic in my life for a long time I feel a lot of anxiety going to see him. He has no patience for people who are overweight. *I am overweight.* He is a strict atheist. No, not Agnostic. An Antheist. He has no space in his life for anything to do with a higher power and sees any form of god as a crutch. Funny thing is, alcohol is a crutch is is not? Spirituality is such a big part of my life but it is not something I can talk about in front of my father. Like with my body, I feel uneasy and insecure.
I love my father. I really do. Years ago I gave up the expecations of what I thought he should do/not do as a father. He simply is not capable. He himself was abandoned as a child of about 4 years old when his dad left him and two younger siblings, leaving my nana as a single mom at 21. My father's father was also an alcoholic; as was his grandfather. To add fuel to the fire his father was gay and 65 years ago you just didn't come out of the closet. Homosexuality back then was simply not accepted. My father never spoke to him or saw him again until he was fatally injured on the streets of Vancouver.
I have no idea why I am writing all this. Life is complicated and I can't begin to figure it all out. Gone are the days when I thought I knew it all. (And I was a know-it-all.) The older I get the more baffled I become. Why would a parent abandon a child? Why do we choose to make the same mistakes that our parents did, the same mistakes that caused us so much pain? I don't know.
In other news I decided to have a coffee today and what a mistake that was. Hot flashes right away. It seems I am going to have to give up coffee. And alcohol. Alcohol gives me hot flashes as well.
As the daughter of an alcoholic (my mother) I feel for you. Unpredictable, and all too often frightening and destructive.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
It's good that you're able to write about this. It gives strength to those who with similar experiences.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote about it because you need to! And it is appreciate, you are not alone with the struggle of having a parent alcoholic, my mom was, I haven't seen her for over 20 years (I don't even know if she is still alive). I don't recommended to do as I did, but, at one point, you have to do what is right for you!
ReplyDeleteThat part about your father was hard to get through, it made me well-up. It hits close to home because my father and I don't exactly get along. He's not an alcoholic, he's just aloof and doesn't seem to understand or regret that not having a father as a child is bound to mess a kid up. He still tries to drift in and out of my life. I had to stop it because dealing with him was toxic and never lead to good feelings. For my own good, I had to reconcile that I have no obligation to this man and he has no right to be a part of my life, which is fine with him because he showed little interest anyway. Now, like you, I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's to tell you that you have no more obligation to be friendly to him than he seems to care about being kind to you. Also, not all atheists are people who can't tolerate spirituality or see it as a crutch.
ReplyDeleteI think just letting it all out, giving it a voice, is a way to move beyond it. People are very complex creatures; so many things shape who we are. Too bad your father went down that route, but I bet it hasn't been fun for him. Certainly not good for the rest of you! Just accept that he is who he is, and none of it is your doing! He made his choices.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know coffee can cause hot flashes! That certainly explains my morning heat waves. Oh no no no... NO WAY am I giving up my coffee. NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY! :)
How about iced coffee?
DeleteGood for YOU being able to speak your truth.. everyone needs a place to get things out of their system and you never know how much others might be helped by your brave words.. I too had a toxic family member and decided to remove them from my life as we continually did each other harm versus good..
ReplyDeleteBe well my friend and do only whats good for you, in the NOW.
Sonny
It's so good that you have the perspective you have. You know the facts and as to the whys? Who knows?
ReplyDeleteWe all need crutches because we all have old injuries. That's what I'm going to say about that.
I stepped away from the main alcoholic and supporting characters in my life and my anxiety became manageable. Coincidence? It's no wonder we have issues as adults when alcoholics influenced us so early in life.
ReplyDeleteI woke up in the night, hot, again. My hips and knees and wrists were aching. This morning, it's cold and grey. Coffee is necessary, hot flashes be damned! Can you switch to decaf?
I find that I gravitate towards people that have alcoholic and/or abusive fathers....even if I don't know they do. We all seem to have some way of sensing each other. Later I find out that they had a crappy dad and I think "of course I was drawn to you....now I know why."
ReplyDeleteIn other news, drinking anything hot gives me a hot flash and I think wine also makes me get them. I haven't had any medication but they do seem to come and go over the past year or so. Bodies are just weird....nature does its own thing. I'm rolling with it.
My father's father was an alcoholic too and he died when my dad was little. I heard he drank himself to death. My dad's mom was cold woman who was raised in an orphanage. No wonder my dad sucked!
You are an amazing girl, chubby or not. He really has no space to judge you, no one does. Hang in there. And thanks for sharing this with us. Also, thanks for the wonderful Happy Spring you left me. I LOVED it.
ReplyDelete✿¨¯`✿´¸¸.✿¨¯`✿✿¨¯`✿´¸¸.✿¨¯`✿
Hi there, its my first time over here from Ms Moon's blog. I swear, if its not one thing, its your mother. Or your father. Or your STEP mother or stepfather and god its all so complicated and hard. I totally understand. I'll be back to say hello :)
ReplyDeleteYou're a better person than me. I think I'd probably like to smack him the first time I met him. And yes, alcohol is always a crutch if you have a problem with it. I can safely say this as a friend of Bill's.
ReplyDeleteYou know I lost my father in October. He and I had the same type of relationship. He was an alcoholic, and even though he didn't drink over the past couple years, he was still the same person. I always felt uncomfortable with him.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't fix the feelings, but it helps when you do understand that they just aren't capable of being a "parent". They don't have the capacity for it, and with or without alcohol, it doesn't change. It took me years to realize that I could love my father and not like him, at the same time.
They are who they are, but you have to draw the line at his judging you. I used to tell my dad that I'd be the person he thought I should be, when he decided to be the person I thought he should be.... Until then, HUSH!