So, here it is. The thing that I have been stressed about.
My 23 year-old step-daughter came to us to let us know she is pregnant. She "thinks" she knows who the father is. She is a "vegetarian. Her idea of being a vegetarian is just not eating. She is about 5'2 and weighs about 90 pounds. She is smoking and drinking. If my instincts are not wrong, she is doing drugs...
I am sick about it. I want her to have an abortion but she is almost 5 months along and I don't know if she can get one. If she tells the doctor that she is drinking, doing drugs etc. she may be able to get one but I am pretty sure wants to keep this baby. According to her, she still doesn't know what she wants to do.
This girl knows nothing about life. She quit school so doesn't even have her grade 12. She can't hold down a job.
A baby is supposed to be brought into a home of love but she is kidding herself if she thinks she can do this. What kind of woman starves herself, drinks, smokes and does drugs while pregnant? She won't even take prenatal vitamins because it is against her ethics of being a vegetarian. She has never even babysat.
If she keeps this baby I know the raising will fall on me and my husband and oh, I would love to me a grandma but not at 41 and not like this. My god, this baby is probably already fucked up. And the poor thing is going to be brought into chaos.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a mom again. No doubt she thinks a baby will be someone to love and all that shit but this girl can't even rent a room without getting kicked out. I do not want her to come and live with us. The mommy in me would love to have a grandchild but not now ( my kids are 15 and 16) and not like this. I want to tell her to quit being a fuck-up and get her shit together but I might as well be speaking to a fucking wall.
I am lost as to what to do.
I'm so sorry. So many questions, and so little advice to give. Has she even been to the doctor yet? Does she know for sure she's pregnant or has maybe her period just stopped because of her "diet"? Where's her mother? Is she your husband's only daughter? I only ask because the first thought that came to my mind when I read this was "sounds like someone's desperate for daddy's attention". I wish I could offer more than just sympathy and warm thoughts but you have them both from me.
ReplyDeleteOh my. No wonder you and your husband are stressed. This is truly frightening news. Jobless, partnerless, with a bad diet, nicotine, alcohol and possibly drugs is a recipe for disaster isn't it? As Kathleen said, you have my sympathy and many, many warm thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBless that child. If she has the child it sounds like it will be a very tough road for everyone.
ReplyDeleteNo easy answers at all.
I'll keep you all in my thoughts & prayers.
No matter how irresponsible she may be, your daughter is legally an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions, and she WILL make them. It is not your obligation to raise the baby or give them both a home. It will be tough to have clear and firm boundaries in this situation, but for your own health and sanity, it would seem to be the best thing to do. This situation is her problem. Don't make it yours.
ReplyDeleteMy, I'm sounding like a tough bitch Ann Landers tonight, aren't I?
I don't think there's anything you can do, as she's made this situation as impossible as it's going to get. If she does have the baby, I know you will give it lots of love, and that is more than most people ever have.
ReplyDeleteOh, that's a lot for you and your family to have to try and deal with.
ReplyDeleteI guess first I'd ask what your husband is leaning toward wanting to do and what their relationship has been like. What do your kids think about it? Has your step daughter asked to stay with you? Are there other family members involved? So many questions.
If she sees a doctor, wouldn't they do blood testing? I don't know how things are there, but wouldn't evidence of alcohol or drug issues be enough to get her help?
You said you don't want to be a mom again and you don't want her to live with you. If hubby and kids also agree with those boundaries, stick to them and make her face this responsibility. I'm sure you can be loving and supportive, but from a distance.
All that said, I really don't know what the right thing is. I will hold you in my thoughts.
Reiki might help you with some of this. Take as much quiet time as you can.
{hugs}
It's too bad she isn't open to giving her baby up for adoption. Even if the baby is born with severe health problems there are usually foster families that would be glad to take the baby. :-(
ReplyDeleteI'm with Debra on this one. It's tough - but she got herself into this and she has to take responsibility. Give practical advice (like stop smoking, talk to a doctor, and eat) but under no circumstances get sucked into the emotional bits or the responsibility. Make it clear that, unless she takes immediate and positive action, she's on her own.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be hard, but going easy on her at this stage will make things a lot worse later.
And a big hug for you. You're going to need a few!
i'M WITH ALL THE OTHERS HERE....I know that its a very hard stance to take, but this child if it does get the chance to live, is her reponsibility to care and nuture it on her own... Maybe other relatives including yourself will offer from time to time to babysit,. but its her choice, and she must live with it.. I too, think of that poor darling being born to a mother scarcely able to look after herself.. but thats the way it works out.. with you all in the background offering help from time to time, she might be able to settle down and relax and become more mature... but it is NOT your job to step in and be the mother... Good luck with all your choices, very hard though they be.. if you are firm with her, she will obviously see how hard its going to be and decide one way or the other... God what a mess, your husband must be so upset too... how you reach this girl to make her see that she has to change her life... wont be done with shouting, but clear low quiet tones, emphasising your position as her parents.. and her own choice to become a parent too... Hugs from across the pond.. fingers crossed all works out for the best for the baby..xxx janzi
ReplyDeleteEverything is easier said than done but please tell yourself you are not going to handle this...there are far better trained people ...she needs medical help...the baby will need medical help...what you do about this now will be what the next twenty years of your life will be...detach.
ReplyDeleteIf she is on drugs, and the baby is born addicted, she'll either lose custody or have to go into a drug program. Prayers to all; A hard situation, but its her situation.
ReplyDeletethis is tough. i watched my aunt go through this with my cousin and yes, the child rearing did fall on my aunt. until her grandson was 7, and then he went to live with another cousin and is now thriving, doing well in school, folded into that family. this is no help to you now, i realize. is it possible to talk to a therapist or someone who can help you navigate the complicated road ahead? my prayers are with your family.
ReplyDeleteYou must preserve your own sanity and family nucleus first. This is not your decision to make. Anything you do will only enable her destructive behavior.
ReplyDeleteIt is your nature to heal and nurture. You must reel in your instincts and let her handle this. You owe it to yourself and those closest to you to step back from the edge of this precipice.If your husband wants to do something, he can.
Your Al Anon group might have experience to share.
I wish I had a magic wand for you.
I work for a foundation here in LA that advocates and provides services for children in foster care, most of whom were born to women much like your step-daughter. If you'd like, I can talk to someone here about what steps you might take to not only help this young woman but your whole family. I am so sorry, Birdie, that this has, seemingly, "fallen into your lap." As a caregiver, you have already done so much and I can only imagine your weariness at the prospect of more. I send you courage and strength as you move forward.
ReplyDeleteOh boy, that is a doozy.
ReplyDeleteI can't even give you any advice because that is huge. I am sure though, in whatever way it may happen, it will work out. Things always have a way of working out right?
Chin up love. Try not to stress too much about it as it is out of your hands at this point (unless she listens to reason?)
Thinking of you!! xoxox
bless your heart it is no wonder you have been stressing!
ReplyDeleteplease know i am praying for you!
Huge hugs to you and your family xxx
ReplyDeleteAs someone who struggled so hard to get my precious babies I find it heartbreaking to read things like this.
I hope for the best possible outcome for all
I totally agree that it would be best to set some boundaries with her if she wants some help from you both. Acting from love means boundaries, I wish it was as simple to do as that is to write. The health professionals she will need to work with will be setting boundaries to keep the baby safe I am sure. Life does throw some unexpected balls our way doesn't it. However some of these turn out to be a wonderful gift. Thinking of you as you all come to terms with what this means(your daughter too).
ReplyDeleteWould she read your post - or could you send it to her?!
ReplyDeleteI have no great words of wisdom - only that you have a duty to preserve your own family unit too - your lovely new hubby and your two teenage daughters. Your own sanity and mental health are likely to be the victims here. Take several deep breaths and a few steps back. Again!
My very best wishes to all of you.
Would she read your post - or could you send it to her?!
ReplyDeleteI have no great words of wisdom - only that you have a duty to preserve your own family unit too - your lovely new hubby and your two teenage daughters. Your own sanity and mental health are likely to be the victims here. Take several deep breaths and a few steps back. Again!
My very best wishes to all of you.
Wowser...
ReplyDeleteGood luck...
I guess it is her choice...
Yikes, BIrdie.....Yikes...
Linda:o)
I've been reading but have had no time to comment.
ReplyDeleteI knew it was a pregnancy! My gut was telling me. This could be a whole lot worse, it could be one of your teens! (This happened to one of my dear friends. Two years ago she was ready to put her head in the oven, now she's a happy Grandma.)
All you can do is love her. That's it. You can't mother her, or her baby, that's not your cross to bear. It's hers. It's the hardest thing, being a parent to an adult child who is making bad decisions. Who feels good about watching their kid hit the ditch with their life?!
Everyone is right, you need to set boundaries. A therapist would say you need to give yourself permission to do so. You'll be okay. I promise.
:)
I'm sorry your family has to deal with this stress. The first comment by Kathleen could have been written by me, verbatim. Those were the exact thoughts ricocheting around in my head as I read your post. There's a lot to consider there. Things have a way of working out as they should.. often. I'm hoping that's the case for you and yours.
ReplyDelete