Stay Tuned!

I did it!  Today I stopped by my hairdresser just to get a consult and she was able to take me right away so I decided to go for it.  The foils are still in because I want it to be a little more vibrant. Are you wondering what colour I went with? I will give you a hint. It is a colour in the rainbow. You will have to check back tomorrow to see. Eeeeeee!  

You're So Vain!

My husband is watching the political debates. I am putting on headphones because it makes my tummy hurt. It is in knots after watching it for a few minutes. Maybe it is my Utopian beliefs that we should all be able to get along if we just sit and listen to one another. It seems all politicians want to do is make their views known, thinking they have all the answers, rambling on and on and never listening to others.


You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte...


Let's face it, the majority of debates could be worked out with everyone giving a little and getting a little. Of course, there are times when you do no compromise but for so many issues politicians need to zip it. Stop. Learn. Understand. Think about it. But, obviously I have my head up my ass. And who am I to judge? I have an NDP sign on my front yard.

Feeling Dauncy

The days seem to all blend together sometimes. Such has been the last few days. Not feeling 100%. In fact, I would say I am feeling dauncy.  Dauncy is from I Love Lucy. Lucy said dauncy was a word her grandmother made up when your not really sick but still feeling lousy. I am definitely feeling dauncy. 

You know what I want to do? I want to dye my hair. Something bright, like pink or blue or purple. But I can't because my job requires some sort of professionalism. Going in to care for a person who is dying with bright pink hair isn't probably the best idea. I wonder if I can just do my bangs? Maybe. Or maybe I am too old. 

I also want to get another tattoo. A crow this time. (I already have Snoopy and Woodstock.) Or maybe the infinity symbol.  Or not. No, I do. Most definitely. But again, working in palliative care precludes some things and pink hair and large tattoos is one of them. You may be thinking I am wrong but there is a certain respect that needs to be given to the dying.  Tattoos and pink hair frighten the older generation. meh I don't know. What do you think? 



The last few days I have been postless.  Sitting down to the keyboard my mind is empty. What is there to say? I made chili, my daughter's laptop is broken now but thankfully under warranty, my head has been pounding with a headache for three days, I found an unbelievable deal on outdoor ceramic pots that were even in the colour I wanted and I found a keyboard on sale for our desktop computer. That is it. *sigh* Oh, I also put my oven on self-clean because I have not done it in 2 years. 

It has been 5 1/2 weeks since my surgery and I am a little surprised to still not be feeling well. My incision sites hurts. Though improved, my plumbing is still not working 100%. When I discussed this with my gynecologist she said that it might not improve anymore that it is now. If you really want to know the details let me know and I will tell you. For now, I will spare you TMI.

I just read an obituary for a lady that died 2 weeks shy of her 100th birthday. If that was me I would be furious. She must have been so excited!  Like, "Holy shit I am going to make it to be 100 fucking years old!" But nooooo. God deads her instead. Life is truly a bitch. 

Tap, tap, tap ad nauseam

Well, I put an NDP sign in our front yard today. It should go over really well with the neighbours.  So far, we get along famously with all of them. We all know politics can really piss people off. Ah, oh well. We are really, really hoping the current nit-wit does not get in again. I can't even look at her face without getting angry. She reminds me of one of those miniature poodles that women carry in their purses. Looks cute but in the end it is just a lot of shit and yapping. She may call herself Liberal but she isn't. OK, I am stopping now. 

This morning I forced myself up and had a cup of coffee and some ginseng. I didn't feel as tired today in the beginning of the day but now I do. And a little sad. Things that I can't mention here.  Not Black Dog stuff...just sad. Ah, well. Such is life. 

For a year now our neighbour has been tapping. It goes on for hours every day. When he and his wife bought the house they took down an old fireplace. It was just made of those grey cinder blocks, not antique or anything special. He is taping the mortar off. We are not sure why but we are going fucking mad. What is really weird is we thought they were going to flip the house because they don't live in it. No, all he does is come to the house and tap the bricks. I shout to the Universe, "Why, dear god, why?" There are many things that go on in my small life but it is going to be something like that incessant tapping that is one day going to send me over the edge. 

Today I went to my follow-up appointment with my gynecologist. It is apparent that I am going to need more time off as my lady bits have not fully healed. The sutures are still there and other things are still going on that I won't get into.  She is now saying May 16 as the date for back to work. Partly, I am so relieved because I am still sore and so tired but I am stressed about money. It will all work out I guess. 

Well, it if official. I am growing a beard.  While going to pick up my kids this afternoon I reached up to scratch my chin and there was a fucking  hair. Not just the normal peach fuzz but a course fucking hair that stuck straight out.  As soon as I got home I ran to the bathroom and sure enough there it was. I ripped it out immediately. I should have known that as soon as I got my hair to all one length that something like this would happen. This makes me believe that surely God must be a man because no loving female entity would allow this kind of shit to go on. This time next year I am probably going to have a full beard. Am I going to become a woman that walks around with hair on her face and just not give a shit? One day personal appearance just gets to be too much and I will just throw in the towel and give up wearing deodorant, shaving my legs, waxing my eyebrows and colouring my hair? I will have to start weighing myself at truck scales. A team will have to come to my house to bathe me. They will have to wash my beard because it will have all sorts of shit in it. My grandchildren will be terrified of me and my beard will make them cry. It is happening, my friends. If you keep reading this blog long enough you will see.

I got my hair cut today. After my mom died I got it all cut off.  It was really short and I looked like a boy. A boy! It was a dreadful and awful haircut. It was a humiliating haircut. It has finally grown out to all one length so now I just need to let it grow for another 6 months or so and it will be how I want it to.

 Lesson - Don't cut your hair when you are in crisis or grieving or you will look like a boy. 

And don't get your hair permed. 

And don't brush your hair out to see how big it can go after getting a perm. 

Taking up half the love seat.

Today the Ungrateful Bastard got out and was across the street sitting in a patch of bluebells. This being is favourite time of the year is especially embarrassing. He spends all of his escape leaping and bounding like a ballerina. Sometimes he throws in a twist. The thing is, Norbert is a huge cat. Last time I weighed him he was close to 14 pounds. He tries to leap and bound with grace but it just doesn't work. He brings shame to cats everywhere. I imagine all the other cats in the neighbourhood bullying him and it makes me sad. I have thought about sitting down with him and suggesting he tone it down a little but Norbert is his own cat and wouldn't listen anyway. 

It was a nice warm day today and I spent most of it being tired. Beside taking myself and my daughter (that despises me) to get our hair and eyebrows done, I went to get a few groceries and fill a prescription. As I do every Monday, I changed the sheets on the bed, cleaned the bathroom and did some laundry. It is so exciting being me!

Norbert singing, I"m Too Sexy for my Fur.

My beloved just tried to feed the Ungrateful Bastard and he refused to eat it.  It is chicken and turkey dinner but he doesn't like that flavour today.  Do you see what I am talking about? Do you understand why he is called The Ungrateful Bastard? He is now moping in the living room. 

More Ivy...Just a Little Tired

What is it with cats and boxes? 

The whole family was out working in the yard  today.  My boy was sawing stuff and breaking up the front bed. My daughter (with eyes a rolllin') was weeding. My beloved was...I don't know what he was doing but he was doing stuff and I was pulling the never ending supply of invasive ivy. It seems like all I blog about when it comes to gardening and my yard is pulling ivy. I do love my yard though. Ivy aside, it is a wonderful yard full of worms and spiders and iridescent beetles. So far, no snakes which is very disappointing.  If I could, I would buy snakes and release them into my yard. 

Yesterday I started taking Ginseng.  Took it again today and remarkably, I don't feel half bad.  Aunt Flo is here again and she makes everything suck but all things considered I feel OK. Fortunately, I have chocolate on hand and that keeps her from going postal on everyone.  Even after working in the yard for an hour I don't feel like I want to go have a nap.  Not going to get too excited though. It could just be a good day. 

Just as we came inside it started pouring. The wind is blowing and all my wind chimes are sending out splendid sounds.
  
Oysters on the menu for tonight! Yum!

Looking for Feedback

I have mentioned this many, many times before.  Everyday, I am so tired.  I can't figure out what it is all about.  My doctor had ordered every blood test under the sun and everything is normal.  My thyroid is low but I am on medication for it. I take supplements. (Fish oil (high quality from my optometrist), Vitamin B Complex (100mg/mcg.) with Folic acid, Vitamin D (3000 IU) and a multi vitamin.  Everyday I take an anti-depressant (Cipralex 20mg) and the aforementioned Synthyroid (.05 mg). 

My symptoms are extreme fatigue no matter how much I sleep I get, difficulty losing weight despite following Weight Watchers, muscle aches, brain fog, difficulty concentrating, hot flashes and irritability.I am considering adding Ginseng and Magnesium to my supplements to see if it makes a difference. I will not take Hormone Replacement Therapy as I truly beleive this was the reason my mom had Ovarian cancer. (For those of you who are new to my blog, my mom died in September 2011 after having O.C for 6 years.)

The reason I am not rushing out to my doctor's office is because I have done it before. In fact, I have been to more than one doctor and it is always the same. "Here, take this ant-depressant." My current doctor is the most understanding and has gone out of his way to try to find out what's wrong.  

So, I am going to start asking other women their story about what has helped and what hasn't. Maybe the answer is I just have to live with it.  There are a lot of books and information on the Internet and it seems this is very common. Is this peri-menopause? Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Am I just lazy? 
Now it is your turn.  Please tell me what has worked for you! 

Anti-social

Tonight I went to see my kids in a play.  The play was fantastic but I really hate crowds.  Normal people sit and talk to other people during intermission.  I sit in my seat during intermission staring straight ahead, praying that nobody speaks to me.  At the same time I am trying to take deep breaths to ward off a panic attack.  This is not normal and I know it.  It is a joy and a pleasure to see my children in a play but I wish I just did not have to leave the comfort of my own home in order to do it. 

It seems my anxiety is higher than normal right now.  I found out I have to go back to work next week and I know I am not ready. My stitches have not even dissolved yet.  Yesterday I was weeding in the garden and still cannot bend and stretch. And I am tired.  Still tired. Always tired.  No matter how long I sleep I am still tired.  What is wrong with me?

Tomorrow I am going to try to get up in the morning and not go back to bed.  Two books are waiting for me at the library and maybe I will go to Reiki.  Tonight I ordered some books on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from the library so maybe I will figure something out about why I am so tired.  Or not.  Probably not. 

3:17 a.m. Pacific Standard Time

Yes, it is after three in the morning and I am awake again. I had a nightmare that I could not shake so I just got up for some toast and a glass of milk. Nightmares.  They can leave us feeling paralyzed long after they have ended.  In this one I was in one of the houses that I grew up in.  It was the house I was living in when my panic attacks were at there worst. I would literally be unable to move and would end up wetting my pants.  After, I would sit in my urine soaked pants and have to wait until the fear and panic would pass.  Then I would take my humiliated self to the bathroom and clean and get changed them put yet another set of clothes in the wash.  My god it was horrible.  Anyway, in this dream I was living back in this house but I was holding my daughter as a baby.  The house was so dark I could not see.  The TV was on but there was no light coming from it. Voices came through the TV telling me all the ways a woman can be raped.  In the dream I finally got up to turn lights on but none of them worked.  The phone rang and it was my ex-husband.  I wanted him to come and get me but he wouldn't.  I hung up the phone and thought that Gary (my now husband) would come and get me and that is when I woke up.  Right away I snuggled into his back and he put his arm around me.  I could not get back to sleep so here I am now, blogging about it.

When I was growing up my panic attacks were debilitating. The thing is, I never told anyone because I didn't know that they were not normal. Or maybe I did but my shame prevented me from telling anyone.  I wet the bed well into my teenage years because if it. My mom and dad were always supportive and never shamed me. My mom or dad usually got up and helped me change my bed.  Do you know how awful it was wetting the bed at 15/16 years old?  As I went into my 20's the I no longer wet the bed but the panic stayed.  It changed the way it hit me.  Panic is nasty like that. It morphs just when you think you have a way to figure it out. It changed again and again in my 30's and now 40's.  Now it is something that sits on the fringes of my life. Always there.  The Black Dog of Depression waits with it. They are a team.  But they do not know that I know them well and that I am stronger now.  I know how they work.  I make sure I get a lot of sleep because I need more than most people.  I meditate, receive Reiki and do yoga.  No longer do I watch the news or watch scary TV shows or movies. Once when  was in my 30's I watched a movie called Wrong Turn and I had nightmares for months afterwards.  I have also educated myself on being a Highly Sensitive Person  answering all questions on the self test in the affirmative, except one. I have also educated myself on Sensory Overload. And of course, when all else fails there is Ativan. 

It is sad that my son now has panic attacks but I am glad that he has me as his mom who can teach his how to deal with them.  My daughter, is one of those people that seems to glide through life, rarely getting upset or stuck.  She shakes he head at me and my son but tries to understand and he supportive. My husband. Thank for my husband.  He is the only human on the planet that recognizes my panic about to set in before I do.  Last week we were out for lunch and he knew we needed to leave because it was getting to be too much for me.  Usually I can last about 30-45 minutes before I need to leave a public place like a restaurant.  Malls are less.  Maybe 10 minutes if I am pushing myself and it is not that busy. Mostly I avoid malls. 

The thing is, I like the way I am.  Yes, I get overwhelmed easily but I also have a deep spirituality. God, whoever he/she/it is has a strong influence in my life.  When I came to this earth the spiritual umbilical cord was never severed. Music, especially classical moves me very deeply. The written word sends forth life to my weary heart and brain. (That is the reason I read blogs.) I love art and nature.  My happiness does not come from thing. (I do love my hot tub though!)

If someone could tell me that I would never have another panic attack again but I would have to give up my inner life I wouldn't do it.  The two go hand in hand.  Why?  I have no idea.  It is just the way it is for me.

Well, the nightmare has abated and I think I am ready to go back to bed. 

What to do When Your Heart Hurts

I have stopped asking what is going on in the world. Bombings and shootings. Who can begin to understand it? When all this craziness started happening when my kids were small I would watch the news and read the stories online trying to understand.  I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand.  And because all this horrible news knocks my feet out from under my solid and dependable body I have chosen to no longer try to figure it out.  As soon as I clicked on the scenes in Boston and read that a child was involved I clicked out again.  So, I put my head in the sand and it is going to stay there.  I will hug my family and tell them how much I love them.  I will read your posts of struggles and triumphs but I just can't do it anymore.  The world and all its chaos is wearing me down and a big part of my anxiety and depression.  Though I need to be somewhat informed I no longer need to know the details. 

Last night I finished my income taxes.  I am getting back but it will go out of my bank account as soon as it goes in.  Damn that but still.  It is nice to get money back.  Every night I sleep in a warm bed next to my beloved.  My children are healthy and well. My son is laughing himself silly while watching "Community". My daughter is in the backyard sitting in the grass.  My beloved is upstairs watching the hockey game and hoping that the Leafs make it to the playoffs. The cats are doing cat things. We have food.  For the love of god, we own 5 computers for 4 people.  We are so rich.  Actually, speaking of computers, I am restoring one to its original manufacturers setting because it is totally screwed. At least I do no have to send it to Calcutta.

Oh! A bird flew in our house today.  Poor wee thing. I was on the phone at the time with Elections Canada and was yelling. "There's a bird in the house! There's a bird in the house!" My husband gently ushered her out and I called the election people back.  I am volunteering this year.  It is damn good pay for one day of work! 

The weather here has been glorious. Yes, we have had rain but Spring is on its way.  It feels over the last few weeks my mother's death is lifting. Oh, I miss her more than ever before but I am slowly coming to terms the way she died.  It was awful and horrible and a part of me died watching her die. But I have to step up to the plate.  I am now, at 42 the oldest woman in my family.  In May, I am going to be a grandma! (Though that has its own set of worries and problems.) In my opinion, I am far too young to be the oldest woman in my family but that is the hand I was dealt.  My options are to fold or to continue on in the game.

I have one question for everyone.  How often do you change the sheets on your bed?  I change mine every Monday. Last week I told my husband that I think they should be changed twice a week.  Not because they are dirty but because there is nothing quite so lovely as clean sheets. 

Doing my taxes.  Thought you all might like to know.  If I end up in the asylum and never come back to write another post, you will know why.  I love you all. 

7 hours later...still working on taxes...I am going to check myself into the asylum!

Yippee! I have filed with 15 days to spare. (Taxes have to be filed in Canada on the 30th.) I didn't kill anyone and only had to make one call to Revenue Canada. 

My daughter that hates me with every fiber of her being needed me to take her to the mall today.  Of course I took her. It did not help that I am more tired than usual because I took an antihistamine last night because I was in a full-blown allergic reaction to all the dust in the aforesaid daughters bedroom.  I have never been a mall person.  In fact, I hate shopping and despise the mall.  I have to wonder what the draw to the mall is.  Full of shit made in third-world countries with jacked up prices.  Or maybe I am just getting old and cranky.  At any rate, I was glad to be out of there and back into the sun.

I was sad to hear the news that Valerie Harper (aka Rhoda from Mary Tyler Moore) is dying from brain cancer.  Maybe it is because my mom loved her but when I read that she has less than 3 months to live I felt my heart sink. Currently I am reading her memoir and she is such a cool woman.  She has always done the right thing and has stood up for minorities even when it could have jeopardized her career. She is a spitfire.  Incidentally, I love the head scarves that she has always worn.  I would love to be able to pull off wearing a head scarf. 

When my laptop was in Calcutta I was not able to follow my Weight Watchers plan so it is back on track tomorrow.  I need to get this weight off!

It is coming up 8:00 and I am off to bed. I know I am going to wake up in the middle of the night again. meh

   It is now 2:29 and I am awake.  Damn it all to hell!
   4:07...still awake. 

So, my daughter god bless her was taken over by evil teenager a couple of years back. She has been replaced by snarky girl that rolls her eyes whenever I say anything. For the sake of this post I will call her *.  I just start to say her name. "Na..." and she is already rolling her eyes in disdain.  I am fairly certain she hates me with ever fiber of her being.  

Last night I needed to go into her room for something and I could not believe the mess.  Not just a little laundry on the floor either.  It is full out disaster area.  If the TV show Hoarders could see it they would consider her and her bedroom for a show.  I lost it.  When she came home I ordered it cleaned and decided to help her because I know how she cleans.  Everything gets hidden. (I know this because I was a messy child and did the same thing.  I also have a small amount of understanding about how completely overwhelming it is to have a mess like that and not even know where to start.)  We went in there with a garbage bag, laundry basket, give-away box and a recycle bin.  I went through each and every piece and she rolled her eyes every single time.  I am surprised her head didn't start spinning around. Anyway... I am now sick because I am very allergic to dust.  My glands are swollen and it hurts to swallow.  I am wheezing.  My eyes are itchy.  It was 9 hours ago that I helped her.  The part that makes me mad is I should not be helping her in the first place.  She is way too old for that.  What kind of parent enables a 15 year old to live like a slob? This one, because I am stupid. 

By the way, it is after three in the morning and I am wide awake.  Again.  I made myself a piece of toast and the fucking smoke detector went off.  The setting was only on 3. Which makes me wonder why the settings need to go up to 10 when it burns at 3.  It is a gimmick that's why. Oh, this toaster goes up to 10!  It must be a really good toaster!  I am going to buy it because I am stupid.

2nd Talk

OK. So you know I had surgery a few weeks back.  One of the things that was done was the repair for bladder leakage.  So far, I am really happy with the surgery and am recommending it to anyone I meet over 40.  Now there is the other issue.  I don't know if it can be called a hot flash but I get so hot!  Every night I wake up and I am either really hot or really cold.  All night long I am pulling piles of blankets on or have none on me at all.  When I took sex ed classes in grade 5 this was not mentioned. In fact, entering puberty was something looked upon as fun and glorious. Fucking lies. 

The Ungrateful Bastard is in his full on Spring mode!  Even when he was a young cat he loved Spring.  He cries and yowls at the door until he gets his own way and gets let out.  I don't like him going out because not only is it not safe, but he kills birds.  The other day he was going nuts so I was trying to come up with a way of settling him without locking him away from us.  I came up with the brilliant idea of putting a laundry basket over him.  He loved it! He curled up and went to sleep and was under it for a few hours.  The last few days he has spent a lot of time under the laundry basket. When he wants out he meows and I lift the basket and he goes about his day.  Cruel or ingenious?

Our other cat,(who was named way before Big Bang Theory) is very lazy.  When he goes outside he finds a place to sleep on our sundeck and stays there for hours.  The other day he had been asleep for so long he turned yellow because of all the pollen that had settled on him.  Will try to get a picture next time. 

I am still not sleeping.  It seems as if the not sleeping thing is part of peri-menopause.  I also wonder if I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because this tiredness has been going on for a long time.

This picture has no relation to this post. 

It is back!  My laptop is back! During the time that it was away I was surprised at how often I actually needed to use it for purposes other than blogging.  Income tax, employment insurance benefits, medical records and contact with my kid's school.  Anyway, it is back now and I really missed blogging.  I need you people! 

There is a big pile of papers beside me as I try to organize my tax receipts.  Why is it that no matter how organized I am I always end up losing a receipt?  This year I have lost 2 of them!  One of the reasons is I have a different filing system in my new home.  Obviously it is not working. Normally I get someone to do my taxes but I am going to do them myself this year.  I hope that it is not going to turn into a bad idea. I actually have a learning disability with numbers and have been diagnosed at grade 4 level so it may indeed turn out very badly. The last time I did my taxes on my own I ended up having a semi-nervous breakdown.  There were a lot of tears involved.  That was about 10 years ago and I consider myself calmer and more mature. bwhahahahaha Yeah, not at all true but it is nice to pretend I have had some personal growth.

And I am still so tired!  Last night I did not sleep a wink. I have restless legs and Periodic Limb Movement.  It is horrible at times.  Other times it doesn't bother me at all but some nights are horrendous.  At 8:00 I finally just got up and took my kids to school.  Came home and ate Kraft Dinner.  It has been years since I last tasted KD and my god it is awful!   White pasta is horrible.  We have been eating whole wheat pasta for so long I forgot how gross white pasta is. Eww. Anyway, I promptly fell asleep for 5 hours.  Now I am going to be awake all night again. 

Now I am off to read your blogs and see what is happening in your lives. 

A Post Not Worth Reading

Ah...what did I do today?  Slept until 1:00.  Ag!  Last night I went to bed at a decent hour but I woke up and could not get back to sleep. Finally fell back to sleep around 6:00 a.m.  

We went to the nursery today and purchased 3 rhododendrons. A pink, yellow and red.  They will go in the front bed.  We also got two lavender plants.  Off to the bookstore and I bought, When Love is Not Enough- The Lois Wilson Story.  Lois Wilson was the co-founder of Al Anon, wife of Bill W., co-founder of A.A.  From there we went for a very late lunch then to Habitat for Humanity Re-Store.  There I spent $3.50 on a glass brick.  Don't ask me why.  I just liked it.

After all that I was so tired.  Are you tired of hearing about how tired I am? Oh reader, I am tired of feeling it and posting about it. It is getting old. Just when I wanted to put on my pyjamas/pajamas my daughter wanted a ride across town to a friends house.  Of course I took her.  As a bribe I asked to borrow her laptop because mine is still not back!  4 - 6  days.  What a load of crap.  

OK, this is funny.  The TV is on and the cops pulled over who was riding around on his bike completely naked.  He is protesting global warming.  Fucking awesome, dude!  The cops were "just wanting to confirm that he cannot ride around downtown naked".  This was in Portland. He did have a sun visor on.  It was dark out. I have to ask what the point of the visor was.  Ah, life is very funny sometimes. 

Watching the Ungrateful Bastard sleep is a lot more interesting than reading the above post. My life has come down to naps and walking around very slowly.  Every post I have written since my surgery has been bottom of the barrel boring.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  Feeling a little down and sad and lonely but for no reason. Is this peri-menopause?  Is is just post-surgery? I am going to bed now.  

I Haven't a Title For This Post

We had the most delicious breaded oysters and seafood chowder for dinner.  I purchased both at a local seafood market and thought I was paying $5.50 for the chowder.  What a great deal!  Turns out it was $15.50. Ouch.

My laptop has still not arrived.  It has been 3 weeks today.  It was supposed to take 4 - 6 days. First World Problem, I know.  

I have nothing else to say except, again, I am so tired. I sleep and sleep. Get up and run a couple of errands than come home totally exhausted.  It is 7:15 and I could go to bed right now. Whenever I have had surgery in the past it seems as if the anaesthetic (score, I spelled the word anaesthetic right the first time and without spell check!) stays with me for so long.  I have not even been going in my hot tub because I have no energy to get in and out.  My husband helps me but it just drains me.  Then, when I go to bed at night I can't fall asleep.  Which reminds me, I meant to buy some Melatonin today. Every night I read and hope to fall asleep but I get bouts of anxiety. The problem is I don't even know what I am anxious about. So I read and stare at the ceiling. Fortunately, I was able to go to the library today and got a big stack of books.  The books I purchased before my surgery were read within the week of my surgery. 

That's it.  I have nothing else to say.  Are you asleep yet?  This is such a boring post. 

Withdrawl Symptoms

• Extended periods of depression
• Anxiety
• Nervousness
• Volatile mood swings
• Suicidal thoughts

It has been 2 1/2 weeks since I have had access to the Internet through my own laptop and I think going into the hospital will be the next step.  I have been on the phone with  India (or is it Pakistan?), no less than 15 times. There is no need to explain how the conversations go.  You know.  When I called yesterday I had to say I was from Canada 5 times in one conversation.  The last time it was more, like CANADA!! Compaq India assured me that my computer has been shipped from Ontario via UPS and should be here by tomorrow.  Will see.  And in case you think I am being racist that is not the case at all.  I only speak one language and I admire how hard the people at call centres work for crappy pay and rude people who shout, CANADA into the phone.   My problem is the out-sourcing of labour.  Anyway, before I get into a philosophical snit I will move on to the next topic.

Don't you just love this wee hummingbird? She was on my sundeck yesterday. Easter was nice, warm and sunny but the rain is back.  One has to enjoy the sun while it shines in the Pacific Northwest and I have really enjoyed the last week or so. 

I have been out spraying dandelions with vinegar.  It isn't the regular vinegar that you use on your fries but a highly concentrated acetic acid.  Environmentally friendly and works like a hot damn, as my mom used to say. However, it looks like we own a dog now because there are brown circles all over the lawn.  I think I preferred that dandelions with their cheery yellow heads.  

For dinner tonight I had the worst sushi I have ever tasted.  Actually, I tasted it and gave it to my daughter.  Now I have to come up with a different dinner but I am too tired to move. It has been 15 days since my surgery and I am still so tired.  I thought I would be able to move faster by now and have more energy.  

OK, I will end this post with a riddle.  Last night I went to bed after watching Modern Family.  I went to put on my pyjamas which are usually under my pillow.  They were not there.  They were also not in my dresser, the washing machine, the dryer, on the drying rack or under my bed. Take a guess.  Where were my pyjamas?  To get the answer click and highlight here. --> I was wearing them! <--  Talk about being tired and a little bit stupid. 

New to Google

This is awesome.  Who would have thought that this could actually happen?

A Spring Day at Birdie's House!

It is so beautiful outside it was impossible for me to stay in and rest.  I did some weeding, cleaned the hot tub and did a few dozen small jobs that I can't even remember.  What I do remember is I was outside and the birds were and still are chirping as if it were their last day to make such an awesome sound. Many of you are still talking about unending cold and snow so I took pictures to share my Spring. 

This is Brianna. 

 Say hello to Treebeard.

This same little bird was at Linda's house a few days ago. It flew 4, 462 km.  It did! It is has gone back again so please expect a visit, Linda. 

Our shed.  It is so big and a great shed!

The little black winged-creature is a Mason bee.  I am breeding them in my backyard. 

Chives.  They are from last year and growing again and smell heavenly!

My boy moving rocks. 

Remember last year's rain chain that I made? It is still together!

Daffodils and mini Carnations. 

My boots.  I actually bought a new pair last week because these ones have holes.

My outside chair.  It is so comfy! See the tears on the seat?  The Ungrateful Bastard did that.  On purpose and for hate's sake. 

My daughter made this wee bird house when she was about 5 years old.  I love it. 

Mason bee houses.

Stuff.

Tea light candle holder with spider's web! 

Millipede cloud running across the sky. 

One would think with this many bells he would not have even the slightest chance to kill a bird.  The Ungrateful Bastard still manages to do it. Isn't he a nice stripey cat, though? 

Hope you enjoyed a little Spring being sent your way!

The last few days I have been feeling a post coming on but I keep hesitating to write it. I do not want to offend any of my readers in the U.S. However, I have to say what I feel.

What is going in in the U.S. right now is just unbelievable.  Specifically, I am speaking about the decision to not make a decision. More specifically, there is a select group of people who are not allowed to marry the person of their choosing. 

Martin Luther King wrote this letter from the Birmingham jail.  I know it is wordy but please read it slowly and don't skim. 

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was "well timed" in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word "Wait!" It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This "Wait" has almost always meant "Never." We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that "justice too long delayed is justice denied."

I read this and my frustration increases.  How long can the right to marry a person you love be put off? 

Which brings me to the second part of my post.  

Last week I read a post about being whether or not I am proud of my country and why or why not. You know what? Yes, dammit I am!  In Canada we have Universal Health Care and anyone can marry  the person they love.  It goes without saying that there are some things that I do not make me proud to be Canadian but these two issues alone make me love my home and I fly a flag in front of my home with pride.  I am a child of the earth first and my love for all people comes before my love of Canada. The world would be a better place if we could take away all the imaginary lines that make a country and separate us.  But since those lines are there I am proud to live in a set of lines where discrimination is against the law.

Yesterday while helping my son with his homework we were talking about the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms which was written into the Canadian Constitution in 1982.  

Section 15 - Equality Rights

1. Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.  (The courts have held that section 15 also protects equality on the basis of other characteristics that are not specifically set out in it. For example, this section has been held to prohibit discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation.                       
2. Subsection (1) does not preclude any law, program or activity that has as its object the amelioration of conditions of disadvantaged individuals or groups including those that are disadvantaged because of race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.

Are you still with me? That makes it unequivocally clear. 

My wish today is that the powers that be in the U.S. will stop saying "wait".