Zinga!
Hot flash a few minutes ago so I have taken my laptop outside to post. A mosquito flew by and I killed it. I deaded it! Don't mess with a woman having a hot flash! Incidentally, and you can ask my husband, I have a super power when it comes to killing mosquitoes. There was once when I killed something like 18 in one night. I can just grab them out of the air. Lighting fast speed. zinga! Dead. I think it is one of the reasons my husband married me.
This week (the 5th) would have been my mom's 67th birthday. If I sit and think about it I feel sad. Very sad. So I don't think about it. Maybe that is how we get through grief. Just trying not to think about it. The thing is, it isn't her birthday or Mother's day or Christmas that get me really sad. It is having a hot flash and dyeing my hair purple and she is not here to share it with me. It is the everyday stuff. The things I *do* think about. Her birthday is easier to put aside. But the small stuff. That is the stuff that gets me. The hardest part is not having a woman in my life. You know, a woman who is part of my tribe. I think that is the reason I love blogging. You are all part of my tribe. You, oh wise women. I sure do love all of you.
Now I am freezing again and wrapped up in my robe. Still outside.
It was a fruitful endevour at the library today. Aside from the multiple street people using the computers for the free internet it was a good trip. Today I found the year that my grandfather came from England. I knew he was born there but up until today I had no idea when or how he got to Canada. It turns out he came here in 1926 and landed in Halifax. How he made it to British Columbia remains to be seen. This may seem so insignificant but this is gold for a genealogist. Tomorrow I am going to go do some more research and see what turns up.
Hot flashes so completely suck,.... We women go thru the first half of life with the dreaded "cycles" only to have it culminate into such robust sweaty hot flashes. Who the hell came up with that term...hot FLASHES? For me they are much more than a flash...that implies a few seconds.... Mine last more like hours or days. Must've been a man who came up with the term....
ReplyDeleteFlipping blood suckin mosquitoes! Do they have a purpose?
There is something to be said about having a woman in your life who is "part of your tribe". I am grateful for my sister for just such a reason; because sometimes it seems like nobody else "gets me".
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, is it wrong to admit that one of my fondest memories of my grandfather was sitting on his porch at his beach house in the summer and listening to his bug zapper sound off whenever it fried a particularly large insect? I think it was his "Look at that spark! That was a big one!" exclamation that made it all the more endearing.
I am sure your mom is looking down and smiling upon your purpleness!
ReplyDeleteThat is a lovely tribute; I certainly understand what you mean about having "a woman in your life who is "part of your tribe"". I don't have a sister, so I'm certainly grateful for my mother and girlfriends. More now though, I find that I turn to my older daughter! She's 8, but I love sharing everything with her -- it's good to have people around you who genuinely love you and care for you. p.s. I LOVE your purple streaks -- you look adorable! I feel inspired.......
ReplyDeleteI will be experiencing those soon I think... will probably ask you for advice as well.
ReplyDeleteWill be thinking of you! Happy thoughts Barbara and keep them coming..
Hot flash spray. I have some. It's made by Rocky Mountain Soap Factory. Cools a bitch off in no time!!
ReplyDeleteI used to miss my mom. Mostly when she was still alive. Estrangement is dreadful, but you do what you can. Every so often, something will catch me off guard and I'll be struck breathless, I miss her so much. I ride it out and carry on.
I have many "mothers" in my life now, that nurture my soul. You are one of them.
I was lucky. I didn't 'do' hot flushes. Well, not more than a couple over the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteAre you so sure your mum isn't able to see your hair? You might not be able to communicate directly, but I'm convinced that our nearest and dearest 'know' what we're up to.
I still hold my side of conversations with my Dad (who's been gone 13 years now) and I know what he would say to fill in the gaps.
I know what you mean about the people we lose not being here to share moments with us. I think about my father and brother all the time when something happens or an occasion rolls around, and feel sad that they're missing it. You get used to it over time, but you never like it.
ReplyDeleteAs for women in your tribe, when your daughter gets older, she will join that club. One of my daughters is turning 21 next month, and she now enjoys being part of my 'tribe'... The 15-year-old has a little ways to go, but it won't be much longer!
I have lots of days when I just don't think about it. It sounds like you are a little bit happier and at peace and I am glad. The purple is a sign of good things to come!
ReplyDeleteHalifax to BC is a long, long way. My guess: the railway. But did he go straight there or did he get there "eventually"? Genealogy is fun, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWell, one thing about having a shitty relationship with your mother is that when she dies, there is not a lot of pain. Or at least for me.
ReplyDeleteBut I understand why you have your pain.
I like your hair. It's subtle but cool.
I get that about not having a woman in your tribe. I have a lot of women but find it difficult still. :( Anyway, glad that your blogging women tribe help a little. Interesting finding out about your family history isn't it?
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