And I want my mom. I am not the big girl you all think I am. I am three. I am three years old behind this door. The world scares me so much, friends. At times I don't know how I shall stand up against it. Why does everything have to take so much work? Besides the love I have in me, nothing is simple in my world. I am scared. I feel so alone at times. Will this black shadow ever subside? How many anti-depressants does it take to make it easy? Is this what the rest of my life if going to be like?
My eyes are heavy from a life time of tears and fighting. When did this dog show up anyway? Was it when my biological father was physically abusing my mom, brother and me? Did he show up then? I know he was there before I entered Kindergarten. I see him. I was afraid of him then. Maybe he was there before I was born and I was genetically predisposed to having him as an unwanted pet.
My life is not a movie my friends. It is not a "Wonderful Life" where my angel shows up and shows me what the world would be like without me. Blip. Like turning off the TV I could be gone. If only it were that simple. God, at times I wish it was. Right now. Blip. Gone from this over-bright room. Blip.
Ativan is on my nightstand. I take one now tonight as I always do. The black dog can't invade my dreams then. Under my tongue. The pain will subside shortly. And then I will feel silly for writing these words. But I know I must tell you and not hit delete. Because it will make me feel less alone. And posting will make me feel less like a liar. And maybe as the Ativan plays the trick on my brain it will help others know they are not alone. I know this black dog is not the only one in his litter. There are many in his pack. I know he shows up at your door. I know he scares you too. I know he makes you feel stupid and useless. I know you sometimes wish you could just go 'blip" but you can't either. You live with him.
Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs xxxx
ReplyDeleteCheck out this fantastic blog http://www.greatfun4kidsblog.com/ Simone also has depression and talks about it quite frankly and honestly on her blog
So brave of you to be open and talk about it
From someone who knows the black dog only too well
Cat xxx
I have a black dog with blue eyes similar to the one you pictured. She loves hugs and kisses. The tail always wags. I think I need another avatar for my depression. And I wish I had something for sleep. There is too much back and hip pain for that. Mine started at about 18 months when my mom essentially abandoned me. She was there but not. She wasn't very healthy mentally. Sad, really. Anyway, abandonment depression is not something an only child does well with and I've been scared ever since. No amount of religion, children, activities, etc can stop the fear of being abandoned for me. I live with it and I have learned to compartmentalize it out of my mind usually. But the dreams.....
ReplyDeleteI hate my black dog for spoiling everything. He leaps in when I should be happy and glad to be alive, while the forecasted death of a loved one sits on my other shoulder. I've tried dancing in the rain, but he bites my ankles while I tap.
ReplyDeleteI have been fighting that stupid dog, too, I go off and on here ..post..whine...whatever..I understand. I get into antisocial moods and seriously..hate everything...but then it goes away..I chase the dog away...
ReplyDeleteI think it's not an easy thing to do for you because you are in so much pain...you are looking for relief that will not come...and are afraid of it lifting, too.
But it does lift..and it will
You know we know, and if nothing else, know that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteNot alone at all sadly.
ReplyDeleteMy black dog is very tall. He his quiet but his looks could kill if I let him.
It will get better. It will get better. It will get better.
You are definitely not alone.... I found talking about it helped but then people got tired... so I wrote it down... to myself... You are brave to put yourself out there... stay brave and strong... you are helping many feel connected to you and many others out there... thanks!
ReplyDeleteI find myself thinking we are in good company. There are many loving people who share our battle.
ReplyDeleteYes, many of us all with similar experiences but a range of causes. I wondered once about whether I was a HSP or socially anxious, or even on the autistic spectrum. I often find it difficult to connect with others and it has made for more and more problems in my life, alongside some successes. The depression is a result of whatever causes my isolation.
ReplyDeleteA vicious circle and which came first I do not know - events or biology. Probably an interaction. Whatever, all we can do is support each other and stay well.
Your post is another way to connect all of us wonderful and unique human beings. So thank you.
The black dog is the best description that I have heard for depression. We all have some of the feelings that you describe sometimes. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you that you have written this post. I have learned to shout it from the rooftops - I live with depression, tke anti-depressants and have no shame. Sometimes I disappear.
ReplyDeleteI hve written so much about this in my blogmemoir - Through The Bamboo. You can find it on my regular blog. Birdie, It all changed for me, when I said - yes, I have depression and sometimes it's a killer and I never know when my little trickster will knock me down - but this is me and I stopped struggling to try and change it. It happens, I feel like dying and then it's gone.
Bless you.
The best way to express our emotions is to share them with others because it helps us and the person in the other side of the conversation.
ReplyDeleteHoping that the you are able to keep the dog on his leach.
My black dog has his teeth at my neck and I feel his breath on me, so I don't have many words for you. Hang in there, we have no choice.
ReplyDeleteShoot water at that rotten cat, that's always good for cheering one up when one is feeling blue.....narf.
huge hugs!!! i can relate.. i can relate! depression is really a b*tch! i hope you will have more good days than bad! in
ReplyDelete