I am not sure how much longer I can keep blogging about this. When going on a journey there is usually something at the end. This journey is a backward one. We are on a journey but not going forward. I don't want this journey to end but I want it to be over. It is a mean and cruel journey this cancer. It is rubbing it's hands in glee and laughing at all of us. If she is alive is is sad and painful. If she dies if is sad and painful. I go back and forth between wishing it was over and wanting her to stay. What is the point of any of this? I have never been a proponent of doctor assisted suicide but I am not sure anymore. This is just cruel. I would not let the family dog go through this. And yet, how much more valuable is a human life than that of a dog? But then what is the purpose of suffering? I don't know anything anymore. My thoughts are scattered and fleeting.
In other news I did take my mom and dad's dog to the beach today. He is a 13 year old chocolate Lab and that dog never gets tired. Ever. I threw the stick about 979 times and he still wanted more. He gave me the saddest puppy dog eyes when I told him it was time to go home. So of course I threw it more. Chocolate Labs perfect this look because they get droopy-eye syndrome when they get old. He is a funny old dog. He grunts and groans when I scratch his silky ears. He always makes sure he checks on my mom several times a day. He lays by her hospital bed in the living room. I went to the bedroom to cry and he followed me in and just stared at me and licked my hand. What a beautiful creature he is.
Dogs are such comforting and loyal creatures. I cant imagine what you're going through. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteOh I understand that so well - the sad and painful bits...the wishing and wanting.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you too. It's so hard.
x
I watched my Nana die a long slow death to alzeimers and often wondered why why why did we allow it to go on soooooooooo long . . . I understand where you are coming from and send my love from NZ
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this blog is for you. when it no longer serves you you go and be served in other ways, like that dog going to you, like you going to it, however your soul needs to be soothed.
ReplyDeletexo
erin
There isn't a good explanation for what you are going through and there are no good words to comfort you. I was there. Twice for my parents and once for a friend. Now I am here and I am telling you that time heals. Have faith in your ability to handle things. Remember that when you look back on this time you will have done all you can. And let time heal.
ReplyDeleteEverything you're feeling is normal and appropriate. It is awful watching someone you love die. Is your mom getting enough pain meds?
ReplyDeleteDogs. They now.
Just wanted to give you a quick cyber-hug! There really aren't any words that I can say... I just know how awful it is to watch a parent (or anyone, for that matter) wither away from such an illness. Sending lots of positive vibes your way. Hope the journey is at least less bumpy than it has been lately!! *hugs!*
ReplyDeleteDogs are beautiful beings. Hang in there.
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