Well, that's just great!

I got my hair cut this afternoon,  It was a dreadful and awful cut.  (My usual stylist thought it a good idea to have a baby (a baby!) and go on maternity leave. She did not consult me first.  I then dyed my hair this evening.  It went way too dark.  I swear to you right now that I look like a mix between Leif Garrett (circa 1975) and Marilyn Manson.  Seriously, take the Leif Garrett style and make it dead black.  I can also tell you right now that I don't like either of them or their choice in hair styles. I tried to lighten my hair by dousing it with vinegar and all it did was make my eyes turn blood red. I think I have a mark on me to look shitty one way or another for the rest of my life.  I lose 10 pounds and then I turn myself into a love child named Leif Manson.  Or Marilyn Garrett.

 I should know by now not to attempt my own beauty treatments. I used to do my own eyebrows but I have learned.  Yes, the hard way. Lesson learned by way off ripping off the outer half of my left eyebrow.  There is no way to fix that mistake my friends. 


 You see, I am cheap,  Some will call it thrifty or frugal but no, I am just plain and simple a cheap person.  Why spend $13.95 to get my eyebrows waxed when  I can do it at home for about 17 cents?  Why spend $75.00 at the salon to colour my hair when I can do it myself for $6.47?  Sure it some of it ended up on the carpet (and the walls and the floor) but by god I am not about to waste good money on something  I can do myself.  (It is always referred to as good money by cheap people.)  I don't know what to do now.  I can't really hide.  I guess the only thing to do is spend another $6.47 and re-dye it!  


Tonight I would like to mention Jack Layton.  He was the leader of the New Democrat Party in Canada and he died this morning in his home at the age of 61 of cancer.  I sat in my car and cried when I heard the news.  He is a part of his final letter to his country. 

Dear Friends,

Tens of thousands of Canadians have written to me in recent weeks to wish me well. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful, inspiring and often beautiful notes, cards and gifts. Your spirit and love have lit up my home, my spirit, and my determination.

Unfortunately my treatment has not worked out as I hoped. So I am giving this letter to my partner Olivia to share with you in the circumstance in which I cannot continue...

A few additional thoughts:

To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and to live their lives, I say this: please don’t be discouraged that my own journey hasn't gone as well as I had hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimistic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer.

To the members of my party: ...we’ve done remarkable things together in the past eight years... There will be those who will try to persuade you to give up our cause. But that cause is much bigger than any one leader. Answer them by recommitting with energy and determination to our work. Remember our proud history of social justice, universal health care, public pensions and making sure no one is left behind. Let’s continue to move forward. Let’s demonstrate in everything we do in the four years before us that we are ready to serve our beloved Canada as its next government...


To young Canadians: All my life I have worked to make things better. Hope and optimism have defined my political career, and I continue to be hopeful and optimistic about Canada. Young people have been a great source of inspiration for me. I have met and talked with so many of you about your dreams, your frustrations, and your ideas for change. More and more, you are engaging in politics because you want to change things for the better. Many of you have placed your trust in our party. As my time in political life draws to a close I want to share with you my belief in your power to change this country and this world. There are great challenges before you, from the overwhelming nature of climate change to the unfairness of an economy that excludes so many from our collective wealth, and the changes necessary to build a more inclusive and generous Canada. I believe in you. Your energy, your vision, your passion for justice are exactly what this country needs today. You need to be at the heart of our economy, our political life, and our plans for the present and the future.

And finally, to all Canadians: Canada is a great country, one of the hopes of the world. We can be a better one – a country of greater equality, justice, and opportunity. We can build a prosperous economy and a society that shares its benefits more fairly. We can look after our seniors. We can offer better futures for our children. We can do our part to save the world’s environment. We can restore our good name in the world. We can do all of these things because we finally have a party system at the national level where there are real choices; where your vote matters; where working for change can actually bring about change... consider that we can be a better, fairer, more equal country by working together. Don’t let them tell you it can’t be done.

My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,

Jack Layton

It is 9:07, damn it!

I am becoming a cranky woman.  The Exhibition is on right now.  It is a night for people of all ages to get together and eat cotton candy and go on rides.  Kids bring their farm animals and everyone has a grand time.  Except in my city it is a hang out for run-away meth addicted teens.  Crappy bands play that nobody has ever heard of.  It is about 4 kilometers away and I can hear the music.  It is far too loud!
  
To prove I am not cranky all the time I will tell you about the best meal I had tonight.  It was a wrap full of all sorts of beans and sprouts.  I also had a salad with more beans and sprouts and artichoke hearts.  It was at a local restaurant that sells healthy stuff.  I wish I could learn to cook like that.  I would consider becoming vegetarian if I could make meals like the one I had tonight.  I know I could never become a vegan as I like eggs, milk, cheese and fish too much.  And steak.  And ribs. Oh, I love chicken wings too.  Anyway. 


My mom is home now.  I should have mentioned this first.  The fluid that was in her lung that was supposed to be drained was not fluid at all but cancer.  Yeah.  Fuck.  My mom is very sad.  We all are.  The Palliative doctor is now saying weeks to months.  Which is better than the original diagnosis of 2 -3 months.  That was over 4 months ago now.  My brain can't think on this anymore right now.  


I have lost a total of 10 pounds.  I have been watching what I eat and going to the pool 4 times a week.  I feel good.  


My cat is having a nervous breakdown right now.  He wants to go outside.   When I was living in my condo he was not allowed to go outside because we were living too close to the highway.  Now he is 6 years old and has NO LIFE SKILLS to go outside.  There are about 75 neighborhood cats on our block alone.  Every night all the neighbors call their cats. We all stand outside calling the ungrateful bastards and none of them come when they are called.  It is actually really funny.   Anyway, Norbert will get the shit scratched out of him because he doesn't know how to fight.   He is a complete wuss.  Birds frighten him.  Every time our flag waves he hides.  So yes, he can't go outside.  He still wants to  out and carries on like he is dying.  I told him tonight that there are plenty of feral cats that would be happy to live his life and be more than happy to live inside and barf on the carpet everyday.  No looking for food and water.  It just magically appears in a bowl and if you don't like it you can go on a starvation diet until your owner caves and goes and buys the bag of cat food that costs $57.99 for a 10 pound bag.   I told him all of this and he just ran down the hall and hid under the bed.  


OK, I am off to bed.  Cranky old ladies need their sleep.  I doubt I will sleep because the music is still going and it is now 9:07. 

OK, you blessed blogging sisters have convinced me to forgive myself.  I called my family and apologized and they were so graceful and kind. (They said there was no need to apologize but we accept it even though it is not necessary.) And they understood.  I know I am too hard on myself.  I need to work on that.  Oh yes, I do. So thank you for reminding me that I can forgive.


So in other news I have been swimming lots, more specifically water jogging.  What a hard workout!  It burns over 450 calories in 45 minutes.  It is a great stress reliever too.  


My mom is still on the Palliative ward. She has cancer in her right lung now and her lung is filling with fluid.  She is having a it drained tomorrow. But, it will fill up again.  She seems to be doing well emotionally.  Her daughter falls apart every so often.  And she supports her.  What a lovely mom she is.

Shame and Grief

My mom is back the hospital.  The cancer is everywhere.  She is in the Palliative unit.  And to deal with it I did something that brought shame and embarrassment to my family. I drank way too much tonight at a family picnic.  I have no excuses.  I am not a drinker and 3 (large) glasses of wine hit me hard and fast.  Last thing I remember was getting sick in the sink.  I cannot even come close to admitting how much remorse and shame I feel.  I don't know how people who drink all the time deal with this shame.  What kind of person goes to a family picnic and vomits in the sink?
Do you ever come to a point where you feel everyone would be better off without you?  That is how I feel tonight.  I am not saying this to have people to tell me that I am a great person and I just made a mistake.  So, don't, please don't.  I just am such a weight to society.  Other than my kids, so many people would have an easier time to NOT have to deal with me.  Blip.  I am gone.  If it would not cause my kids so much pain for the rest of their lives I wish I could just be gone.

No Title Tuesday. Wait, it is Wednesday.

I really have very little to say. My mom is about the same.   She sleeps a lot,  eating very little.  They are both markers of the process of dying. A couple nights ago I couldn't fall asleep and had a panic attack.  I am so afraid of losing my physical mom.  She is a little shorter than I am.  She has always had very, very fair colouring as she has always stayed out of the sun. (No wrinkles but damn, what was the point?)  She has lost about 50 pounds in the last while but she was about my size as well.  I am going to miss my pale, soft hugging mom.  I fit so nicely in her arms, and I belong there. I am going to miss her hair.  I am going to miss her hands. I am going to miss her tiny little feet.  Oh god,  I am going to miss her voice!  What am I going to do when I can't call her anymore and hear her voice?  
I know all this dying is part of life.  I have accepted that she is going to die.  I don't have to like it.  In fact, I hate it. Anyway, this is life isn't it?  It is time for me to grow up and behave as an adult.


In other news I lost 6 pounds this week but I can't make myself care.  

Not much Posting Going on Here

I find it hard to sit myself down to post. The weather has been so nice and we have been out enjoying it.  Being from Vancouver island we get a LOT of rain.  We do live in a Rain Forest!  When it is not raining I walk around all confused and I don't know what to do with myself.  I am not a lover of sun on my skin so I stay in the shade.  No tan lines here!  We have been working very hard on the renovations on the house and we are getting close to the end.  
Today I purchased a beautiful second hand love seat.  It is so comfortable! Here are the pictures. It is a micro-suede double recliner.  I could sleep on it.  I am not very tall and I find a lot of sofas don't fit me in the right places.  This one is perfect! And the best part is I go it off Kijiji for only $125.00!           

Trying to lose some weight, well not some but rather a lot.  I have let myself get fat.  I am using SparkPeople. Awesome site when you get used to it.  I have a button over there ---> if you want to take a look. 

My mom has been very sick this week but we are coming up to the 4 month mark of being told she had 2 -3 months to live.  I went to see her the other day and I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  She rubbed my back and told me how much she loves me and that she will always be near.  She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her.  Oh, I need her here still!

OK, it is 2:30 am here and I am going to attempt to sleep again.

What About a Video Post?

I am still having a pretty shitty day.  Got up early to go to work.  By the time I was off I was at the point of not being able to breathe.  Anxiety.  Waves of depression. I drove to Hospice where I got the most lovely Reiki treatment by a woman that my mom used to baby-sit!  (She now does Reiki on my mom as well. She is a Reiki master and healer.  I sobbed as she rubbed my back and let me cry.  I was barely able to talk as I squeaked out my woes.  Her healing hands calmed me so I was at a point where I could accept Reiki.  She also told me about Sea Salt Lamps and told me that they would help me with sleep and my nightmares. (I also went to my doctor yesterday and he recommended me to a sleep clinic.  I have been having problems with sleep for years so I hope I get some results that will help.) I swear I am becoming one of those people that I used to think were New Age weirdos.  Reiki, rock salt lamps?  I regret all the years I did not believe in all the energy that the Earth has to help us. 

Anyway, I am very tired. It is damn hot and the humidity is at 80%.  The cats are near dead and sleeping in front of a little fan I set up for them.  Do you think they are grateful?  Bastards. I need to turn this hot lap top off. It is too HOT.  

PS- I am thinking of doing a video post! 


PSS- I would like to find the loser who invented bras.  I am taking mine off now.  I hate it!

That Black Dog

So, yes.  I suffer from depression.  Most days I am OK.  I have been fighting the black dog of depression for longer than I can remember, so I live with him.   What choice do I have? It takes more than it used to, to throw me into his snapping jaws.  But sometimes he waits behind a closed door and lunges at me out of nowhere.  I didn't see him coming tonight.  A conversation that still has not been resolved sent me into a corner feeling stupid, worthless and useless.  Some days I just want to crawl into that corner and let him win.  How long can you fight such a vicious creature?


  And I want my mom.  I am not the big girl you all think I am.  I am three.  I am three years old behind this door.  The world scares me so much, friends.  At times I don't know how I shall stand up against it.  Why does everything have to take so much work?  Besides the love I have in me, nothing is simple in my world.  I am scared.  I feel so alone at times.  Will this black shadow ever subside? How many anti-depressants does it take to make it easy?  Is this what the rest of my life if going to be like? 


My eyes are heavy from a life time of tears and fighting.  When did this dog show up anyway?  Was it when my biological father was physically abusing my mom, brother and me?  Did he show up then?  I know he was there before I entered Kindergarten.  I see him.  I was afraid of him then. Maybe he was there before I was born and I was genetically predisposed to having him as an unwanted pet.  


My life is not a movie my friends.  It is not a "Wonderful Life" where my angel shows up and shows me what the world would be like without me. Blip. Like turning off the TV I could be gone.  If only it were that simple.  God, at times I wish it was.  Right now.  Blip. Gone from this over-bright room.  Blip.


Ativan is on my nightstand.  I take one now tonight as I always do.  The black dog can't invade my dreams then.  Under my tongue.  The pain will subside shortly.  And then I will feel silly for writing these words.  But I know I must tell you and not hit delete. Because it will make me feel less alone.  And posting will make me feel less like a liar. And maybe as the Ativan plays the trick on my brain it will help others know they are not alone.  I know this black dog is not the only one in his litter.  There are many in his pack.  I know he shows up at your door.  I know he scares you too.  I know he makes you feel stupid and useless.  I know you sometimes wish you could just go 'blip" but you can't either.  You live with him.  

Because I Can't Sleep...

It is the blogger thing to write crap about yourself that other people may or may not read.  It is supposed to be interesting and shit but frankly, I am just a woman from Canada that drinks far too much skim milk and swears too much. So without further ado here is 100 things about me. 


(Ha ha!  I started this list a couple months back and have been working on it as I think of things.  I guess I hit "post".  Now I need to finish it.  I am up to # 80 now.) My list is now complete!


100.  I have never actually said the words "without further ado" before.
99.   I really do drink an inordinate amount of skim milk.
98.   My cat ripped of the "T" off my keyboard.  It would be better if it was a Q or Z.  He did it on purpose because he is an evil mastermind. 
97.   I am a product of a divorced family and I am better for it.
96.  My (step) dad is my hero!
95.   I have one brother and one (step) sister.
94.   We don't use the word step in our family.
93.   I used to attend church about 6 times a week but I no longer go.
92.   I hate church.
91.  I consider myself a Quaker and I worship at home.
90.  I am a Liberal Quaker.  
89.  I wear plain clothing out of a personal belief not a religious or spiritual belief.
88.  As with most Quakers, I am indeed a pacifist. 
87.  I am open to a lot of other beliefs and I believe that everyone finds different ways to God.
86.  I love talking about spirituality and you will be able to read a lot more on my blog but that is enough for now!
85.  I have 2 kids, a son  and a daughter, both teenagers.
84.  Everyone has told me to "just wait until they are teenagers" but I am still waiting for the terribleness to begin.  I have great kids!
83. I am engaged to a fabulous man. We have been together 4 years. 
82. We met online. (Plenty of Fish)
81. We just bought a house together.
80.  I have a cat named Norbert.  Now that I am in new home I also have a cat named named ...  He is an old cat and very loving. 
79.  And a fish named Gilligan. (He is dead now.) 
78. I am an "I Love Lucy" fan and own every season on DVD including 7, 8 & 9 which I think are the funniest sitcoms ever written.
77.  Reiki has changed my life.
76.  Oh, geez. Why didn't I think of this one sooner.  I read.  A LOT.  It is my vice. 
75.  I had my Fallopian tubes removed (not tied)  in January because of this article about Ovarian cancer. 
74.  I love vinegar.  When I was little I drank vinegar packages. 
73.  I love chicken wings.  Buffalo! 
72.  I blow my nose a lot. 
71.  I have a special pillow that I must have to sleep.  Everything else hurts my neck. 
70.  I believe my grandmothers from way back are my guardian angels.  I feel them and talk to them and I feel their love.  Their presence gives me strength.
69.  I was named after my great grandmother.
68.  My mom is my cornerstone.  I am afraid when she dies my foundation will crumble.  
67.  I do not have a favourite colour.  All of them are my favourite.  They can change.  Right now it is orange but in five minutes or five days from now it might be green, yellow, pink or purple.  Never red or blue.
66.  I only have one living grandparent. I yearn for the ones that have died. 
65.  I am clinically depressed and have been since I was small, around 3.  And I have anxiety.  The anxiety causes the depression. Some mornings my anxiety is so bad I can barely get out of bed without feeling impending dread and doom.  Some days it is so bad I call in sick to work and lie and say I am sick. 
64.  I have friends since kindergarten. That is over 35 years.  They are part of my heart and my soul.  *getting teary writing this one*  Even though we all have very busy lives we still manage to stay in touch and get together every so often.  They are a life force behind me.
63.  My favourite flower is a sweat pea. My nana used to grow them by the thousands and give them away wrapped in paper towel.  I was going to grow some to plant in my yard.  Remember this post?  Well Norbert bit off the heads of the new shoots.  
62.  I can get myself ready very, very fast. Very fast. 
63. I am Highly Sensitive.  It is hard living in this body of mine but I would not give up being this sensitive for anything.
64.   I despise socks.  One Christmas I was at a nice dinner and I had to take my socks off under he table.  Nobody knew but it almost brought tears of relief.  
65. I sleep very late on Sundays.  
66. I cry a lot.
67.  People have told me I should do stand-up comedy.
68. I am not good with house plants.  I have killed every plant I have ever owned.  Right now I have a cactus.  I think it is dead.
69. I love seafood!  
70. I do not watch the news.  I get very upset and it causes me more anxiety than I can deal with.
71. Regrading # 70.  I hate ending a sentence with a preposition. 
72.  I name trees. (My yard has a Moses, Brianna and Blu) 
73. I love Sudoku! 
74. I have a learning disability with numbers.
75. I believe in Santa, fairies, elves and wood nymphs. 
76. We are getting chickens next year!  Yay!
77. My biological father was very abusive.  He used to hang me over the ferry and bridges. 
78. I have forgiven him.  I love him because he needs my love not the other way around.
79. When I was growing up we had a black Poodle named Alex.  He had so much energy we would take him for a walk while we drove in the truck and he ran beside it. My god it was funny.  
80. I recycle everything.  My community has an excellent recycling program. The only thing they don't take is those thick plastic clear bags that bedding comes in. 
81. I call my books my "babies" and consider them my friends.
82. I buy whole wheat pasta.  
83. I hate bananas.  They make me gag.
84. My fiance and I make the best stuffing for turkey!
85. My favourite holiday is Thanksgiving.  All the family and food of Christmas but none of the stress.
86. I love spiders and snakes. 
87. I am wondering if I am repeating myself while writing this list.
88. My family has been living in the same city for 157 years.  
89. I am a recovering hoarder.  At one time I think I could have made the "Hoarders" show.  In fact, I know I could have.  I no longer hoard.  It is only a small problem for me now.
90. I do seem to have a difficult time getting rid of books.  
91. My favourite teacher was a lady named Ms. Epp.  She was my grade 3 teacher.  She changed my life and I have tried to track her down to thank her but I have not been able to find her. 
92. People tell me I am too sensitive.  I think they are not sensitive enough.
93. I have a Snoopy and Woodstock tattoo on my left ankle.
94. I consider myself a Socialist.  I believe in Communal living. 
95. I am an advocate for marijuana though I don't use it myself. 
96. A friend and I were nearly abducted by three men when we were 14 years old.  We were on a desolate part of a walk home from school. It was smart and quick thinking on my part that we didn't. 
97. I hate competitive sports.  
98. The toaster scares me when it pops up so I have to go to another room.
99. I ran away from home when I was seven and got as far as the front of the house.  I came home because my brother came out and said Mom was going to make strawberry Quik. 
100.  I am a very strong woman.  Yes, I am. 

More Sardines

It has been one week since I posted and ironically I am sitting here eating more sardines.  This time they are with mustard. Now here is the thing.  If you look at the comments all the sardine lovers are from the Eastern hemisphere.  All the others are from the Western Hemisphere.  Since everyone in the east loves them it tells me that we in the west are doing something very wrong with them.  So Eastern hemisphere friends, tell us all about them.  Where/how do you buy them?  How do you cook them?  Serve with?  

Sardines

So,  about my eyes being those of a 90 year old.  I went to the optometrist last week and besides being told that my lenses were in upside down I was also told my eye health was terrible.  I know I don't eat well.  Up until now I have not been able to eat well.  Poverty and eating well is difficult sometimes. I eat very little meat.  Anyway, the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I need to eat way more oil from fish, specifically sardines.  *Sardines*  xxSardinesxx.  ~Sardines~
I hate sardines.  They are small and slimy and and very fishy smelling.  But I am going to eat them anyway.  I have a bowl beside me of sardines spiced with jalapeno on sesame melba toast. I mixed it them with fat free cream cheese.  And you know what?  They are not that bad.  Not good like a bag of salt n'vinegar chips but not bad. 

He is Home! Yay!

Thanks for all your positive Reiki energy.  Norbert is HOME!  I kept the slider open for him.  I was sitting on the couch and heard his beautiful meow.  I hugged him hard and kissed him.  Then he got pissed of and ran away.  Ahhh.  Life with Norbert is as it should be. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Norbert, aka the Evil One, the Ungrateful Bastard, Nice Kitty ran away. He is an inside cat and does not know how to live outside.  I love him so much. Please send all your love and good Reiki energy so he will come home. 

Screwed Up and Broken

(I have no idea why this post broke off halfway.) 
I am falling apart.  I went to the eye doctor today and the good news is I have the eyes of a 90 year old!  Yes, that is what the Optometrist said.  A 90 year old. Hmmm.  She gave me  an Rx for super concentrated fish oils. The bad news?  The glassses I have been wearing for almost three years are all wrong.  How wrong?  The place where I went to get my glasses put the lenses in upside down.  Yes friends, the lenses are perfect but they were put in upside down.  Do you think that may be the reason my eyes are always tired.  Do you think that is the reason I need to sleep so much?  Maybe it is because I have not been seeing properly for three years. *sigh*
The other great news is several weeks back I went to the Podiatrist because of a constant pain in my left foot and ankle.  He took X-rays and nothing.  He sent me for a CT-Scan and I have an  unhealed chip fractures just above my ankle.  It is not considered emergency surgery and I have to wait a year just to get to see the surgeon.  Then, I get to wait another 2 years to have the surgery. (Oh Canada!) 
I don't know how or when I fractured my ankle but I am very clumsy and I wonder if it is because of my crappy glasses? 
Not much else new.  My fiance has been pissed off at me for a couple of days now.  I am now just staying out of his way.   My daughter's new bedroom all set up.  It is GREEN. I will take a picture when I find my camera.  It is similar to the green grass on this blog!  It actually looks pretty good.  If you are ever going to let your kids choose their own paint, beware!
I am feeling sad today so I think I am going to go have a nap. 

I am falling apart.  I went to the eye doctor today and the good news is I have the eyes of a 90 year old.  Yes, that is what the Optometrist said.  A 90 year old. Hmmm.  The bad news?  The glassses I have been wearing for almost three years are all wrong.  How wrong?  The place where I went to get my glasses put the lenses in upside down.  Yes friends, the lenses are perfect but they were put in upside down.  Do you think that may be the reason my eyes are always tired.  Do you think that is the reason I need to sleep so much?  Maybe it is because I have not been seeing properly for three years. *sigh*

My New Home!

I am sitting here posting as I usually do, on my bed.  Bare feet (because I hate socks) and leaning against some pillows.  What has changed is I am now finally in my new home.  I am looking out the window and it is pouring rain.  It is so quiet I can hear wind and the rain making their magical sounds.  A boy just rode by on his bike;  I could hear the swish of rain underneath his tires and the gentle hum when he peddles.  It is so quiet. 
My condo is now empty of all my earthly possessions.  I left the keys on the mantle and locked the door for the last time.  A relief.  Back at my condo trains go by. Cars, trucks and 18-wheeler trucks speed by 24 hours a day.  The condo is on the main highway through town and is the road used by ambulances, fire trucks and police cars.  Drunks walk by in the night screaming and bellowing and making me sensitive spirit tense.  But all that is done now. I have wanted few material things in life and a quiet house was one of them.  I have been waiting for over 20 years and now I have it.  I have my place of solitude and quiet.  
So now, I am going to sit and listen to the rain.  

A Post to Make You Feel Better About Your Own Life!

Imbigggen the picture and snoop away!

I spoke with my mom's palliative nurse yesterday and she thinks my mom is doing OK. It is the 3 month mark of the "you have 2 - 3 months left" in a few days so she is going to go past what is expected. Except there is this scale called the Palliative Performance Scale.   My mom is at 50%. Hell, I am at about 80% but without the disease part. *insert laugh track here*  Anyway, 50% is good.  Well it is not good but it is not bad either.  No, it is bad.  I don't fucking know.  


I am in the middle of packing.  That is one of the most hateful jobs.  I have a junk drawer in my kitchen and I asked my daughter to clean out the drawer.  The above picture is what she did. It is like a damn I Spy book.  


Everything is a disaster.  Here...look! 

Kitchen.  There will be no love lost with these cabinets. Rose?  Did I actually choose that? 

Crap that needs to be recycled.  The Ungrateful Bastard (see right sidebar)  needs to be fed.  

Crap and a Pogo stick!

Seriously!  I don`t even know why I am posting this one.  

And here is the Coup de grâce. Me!  Look at those eyebrows!  Caterpillars envy me!  The hair!  WTF?  I will say I don't go out into the world looking like this.  My face is so broken out.  Acne and wrinkles.  Thanks a fucking lot.

Now you can go about your life and be ever so grateful that things are not like they are at my place. 


Damn, I just took another look at my picture and DAMN! blagh

The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known

I send this to my fiance. The reason I can get up each morning is because of you. I have sent you this song many times over the years but if never fails to express how I feel about you.

~~Blogger friends, what song makes you think of your partner?   If you don't have a partner, what song reminds you of what you are hoping to find?~~

When I see you
In the morning
That old sleep
Still in your eyes
I remember
All the laughter
And the tears
We shared last night
And as we lie here
Just two shadows
In the light
Before the dawn
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you

And I have never
Been afraid of losing
And I have never
Wanted love
To be a chain.
I only know that
When I'm with you
You're my sunshine
You're my rain
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you


Now you and I
We're not children
We have both
Been loved before
We have given
And we have taken
Many rides
On troubled shores
And all the heartaches
and temptations
only make me
Love you more
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you

And I have never
Been afraid of losing
And I have never
Wanted love
To be a chain
I only know that
When I'm with you
You're my sunshine
You're my rain
The sweetest thing
I've ever known
Is loving you
The sweetest thing.
I've ever known
Is loving you

Beware the Ides of March!

Is anyone else tired all the time? Not most of the time but ALL the time.  This is not new.  I have been tired for years now.  I have had every blood test known to man and according to my blood work I am healthy.  It varies but I need a nap almost every day.  I go from feeling OK then start feeling tired.  Withing an hour I can barely function.  I do things and completely forget what I have done.  I drive and forget driving home.  I con't concentrate.  This fatigue has a great effect (or is it affect?) on my life.  For years I have dismissed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I have never been a believer because I like evidence and there is still no evidence that it even exists. And yet, I have been tired for so long that there must be something going on or not working. 
And since I am on a complaining rant I want to know why my damn cat keeps biting my toes.  Furthermore, why does he totally miss the litter box when he craps?  Speak of the devil himself, here he comes.  
And since I am complaining I hate the heat.  It is too HOT.  And it is muggy.  And it makes me crabby.  
We are almost finished packing and official move-out time is the Friday at noon.  I just paid my final strata fee and damn that felt good!  That will be an extra $320 a month that I don't have to pay. What a rip-off that has been. I warn you all like the Soothsayer in Julius Caesar. "Do not buy strata!"  It will suck you dry.  Strata committees spend money like Diamond Jim Brady.   Last year there was a huge argument at the yearly meeting because the strata council wanted to spend over a MILLION dollars on new pipes.  People were very angry and the strata council was angry.  It ended up being voted down.  The new strata council investigated and it turned out there wasn't even a need for new pipes. The building is only 16 years old.  So yes, don't buy strata or you may rue the day. 
Oh yes.  I need to get a haircut because this is what I look like right now except my hair is brown and my nose is regular color.

A Rainbow!

Well, I am feeling a little better than yesterday.  I saw the rainbow girl (my niece) today,  and oh how she brings colour into my life!  I don't know whoever said that newborns don't smile but she smiled at me twice.  I think it is an old wives tale that it is just gas.  She knows she is loved, loved, loved and she can feel it and it makes her glad. Babies don't smile...pssshaaaw! 
I spent an hour looking at her tiny fingers and kissing her toes.  I kissed the swirl on her soft downy head about 50 times.  I told her that she was very special and I had been waiting for her for a very long time.  Oh friends, she is so beautiful.  And I just don't mean the physical sense (she is).  She is just a beautiful piece of heaven.  She is more precious than life itself.  I miss her when I don't see her for a few days.  I am so glad that she is my niece.  


In other news, my other niece (her sister) has been invited for a sleep-over with my daughter, her idol.  Niece # 1 is quite outgoing.  She is  my fairy child niece.  She likes to explore and is often off in her own world.  She is a precious little girl.  


Renovations are coming along on the house but oh how I ache.  My love has been putting in long hours from sun-up to sundown.  I can't wait because we are finally going to be together.  He is the other half of me.  I need him like I need air.  Nobody knows me like he does and he always know what to say.  I love him.  So much. 

I'm Not an Artist...

I am not an artist but I do like to draw stuff every so often.  Sometimes after I wake up I will see a picture in my head and attempt to draw it.  I came home this afternoon after loading a bin of demolition crap.  I was so tired when I got home I fell into a restless sleep.  I don't remember having dreams about my mom but I must have because when I woke up I felt overwhelmed with sadness.  I saw this picture in my head.  It is me and the colour  is draining out of me; out of my life.  I have so much to be glad about, I do and I am grateful but there is a box in the corner of my spirit that has "My Mom is Dying" on it.  I do not have to look in the box for the most part but there are times when it forces itself directly in front of me and I have to examine the contents.  So I do.  When I open it a vacuum sucks all the colour from me.  I feel myself turning grey.  I try to shut the box but it stays open.  We are told we need to deal with our demons.  Aren't I supposed to open the box and deal with the fear inside?  If I do it is going to kill a part of me.  It is going to win.  I need to be honest and admit that life will not be the same ever again after my mom dies.  The grief will never go away.  I will never stop missing her.  That is the vacuum that is inside the box.  It is taking a part of me.  And it can't be stopped.

An Admission

Here is it dear reader.  My admission.  I hate blood.  Well, I like that it is inside our bodies and keeps us alive.  However, if it is anywhere other than inside our bodies I become sick to my stomach and have to sit down so I don't faint.  I gave blood once about 20 years ago and it had not done it since.  I would rather have a root canal.  


When my mom was diagnosed and started talking about the blood transfusions she was receiving. Something inside of me whispered.  "It would probably be a good idea to give, B@rbara."   So I did.  I was so scared and the only reason I stayed at the clinic was because my daughter was with me and I needed to set an example.  I told her I was scared but people need blood transfusions or they will die. Of course that day one of the donors fainted and it scared me even more. However, I did donate that day and went a second time.  Someone fainted that time too.  I was somewhat relieved when I had surgery in January and was not able to donate for the next six months.  That brings me to today.  I got the dreaded call last week.  I wanted to say no.  I still hate it.  It scares me. I am having a panic attack if that gives you any idea.  


At 4:10 PST I will be on a table with a nail   needle in my arm and one pint will be taken.  I don't want to.  I really don't.  But I will.  Because it is a simple procedure that most people can do.  Besides, you get cookies afterwards! While I am on the topic I encourage everyone to also consider organ donation because you can't take them with you.  You can also be a bone marrow donor.  

PS-  I want to thank all of you for your comments over the last several weeks.  Often you say that you don't know what to say but just the fact that all of you are out there and you care about me and my family warms the cold parts of my soul.  Support is everything.  I could not get by without it.  I love all your comments and I love all of you for taking the time to write them.  You all rock!