I guess not everyone knows I am over at Wordpress now. Send me an e mail to birdieisblogging@hotmail.com and I will send you the link! :-)

I am tired of all the problems with blogger so I am moving to Wordpress. Contact me at *bigfouroh AT hotmail . com* and I will give you my new site address. 

Matt Smith - The Eleventh Doctor

Last night my son graduated. It was so beautiful and sad at the same time. Bittersweet is what they call it. I was so proud of him up there on the stage. He received the loudest cheers and was also voted 'best dressed'.  Though never an straight "A" student he is friends with everyone and well-liked. My son, an old soul with a gentle spirit and kind and loving heart. As for best dressed, I wanted him to wear a tux but he wanted to go dressed as the Eleventh Doctor from Doctor Who. I have to say that he looked awesome!

One of his grad presents I gave him was, "Oh, the Place You'll Go!" by Dr. Suess. "Green Eggs and Ham" was the first book I read to him on the day he came home from the hospital and I thought another Dr. Suess book would be appropritae.






Anyway, I was in charge of the caps and gowns but now they are all boxed up an ready to be sent back to the company. I am tired and happy and sad. The end of era. 

A post. Ah, a post. I miss blogging! I do! But the weather has been unbelievably gorgeous for this time of the year and I am so busy all of the time and it seems I rarely have more than a few minutes to do something just for me. The last few weeks I have not even had much time to read. 

Yesterday I received some bad news. My position at work might be eliminated. I am choosing to stay in the moment and not stress but if you could send a message to the Universe, God (or whoever/whatever is running this place) that the right thing will happen that and I will be given the strength and grace to get through it. I am making it sound like I will not be devastated if I lose my position but I can tell you that I will. What I am trying to do is be mindful and "accept the things I cannot change." As you can see, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is working. 

Now that I have said I rarely get a few minutes to myself I realize that is a lie because I watched the entire second season of Orange is the New Black. The end of the last season was amazing but you have to watch the entire season all the way through in order for you to actually CHEER. I won't spoil it for those that have not seen it but I loved it so much I watched the last few minutes twice.

OK, time for breakfast. 

How long since I posted a real post and not just a quote? meh I don't know. A while. For some reason I am just postless even though there is a lot going on. My son is graduating next month. My daughter was chosen for a dance team. My husband and I exchanged rings (finally!). We have been working in the garden and the weather has been so nice. I am getting more hours than usual at work. My car broke down but now it is fixed. Friday morning I locked myself out of my house...haven't done that in years and years. Last weekend my husband and I went away for the night but just as we were driving out of town we hit traffic that was totally stopped because of a motorcycle fatality.  It stayed stopped for 5 hours. Fortunately we were are at a part of the highway that does not have a median and we were able to turn around and come home. Everyone else was stuck for kilometers.  We would have missed our ferry but the hotel graciously let us cancel and reschedule for this weekend. Which brings me to one point. My husband is not allowed to get a motorcycle. I think that is the only thing that he is not "allowed" to do. I gave him one veto on something I want to do. There is no way I want to identify my husband in pieces. Nobody can change my mind so don't try. My son and daughter aren't allowed either. Even when they are 65 they will not be allowed. They will have to tell their retired friends that my mom won't let me even though I will be in my 90's or dead. Even if I have dementia I will know and they will have to return it to whence it came. 

See? This is why I am not posting! I am imagining scenarios in the year 2064.

"In the best of times, our days are numbered anyway. So it would be a crime against nature for any generation to take the world crisis so solemnly that it put off enjoying those things that we were designed in the first place: the opportunity to do good work, to enjoy friends, to fall in love, to hit a ball, and to bounce a baby." Alistar Cooke

Lately it seems as if this blog has served its purpose. The last few weeks I feel as if I am forcing posts. And the Black Dog is lurking. I can't be completely honest on my blog anymore. I have to monitor what I say so it seems quite pointless. The only safe thing to write is about stupid shit I am doing and the weather. 

Then again, whenever I think I don't want to blog anymore there will be a shift and I start up again. Right now however I just have nothing. My heart feels empty and my soul feels cold. Yes, I know I was doing so well but I can't write here about what is going on. Blogging used to be so therapeutic. Now it isn't.

So maybe a break? Maybe so. If you don't hear from me for a while you will know what. But who knows. Maybe I will post tomorrow. 

I have all but given up on trying to post.  Way too busy and the weather has been so nice. I am trying to at least read your posts but blogging can take up a lot of time. Recently I did a purge to get down the blogs I read to something manageable but then I feel bad because how do you decide?

We had our sort of Easter dinner tonight. I had forgot all about so I picked up a pre-cooked glazed ham that was HUGE and made scalloped potatoes that I burned. I am not a cook. It is not something I find even the least bit enjoyable. I don't usually burn things though.

Anyway, that is it. The day is over and I need to go to bed. 

I am at the point where I have become so busy that I have to decide between reading and commenting on posts or posting myself. I will do a short post tonight and try to catch up on reading tomorrow.

Today was so busy. Al Anon, library, groceries, taking my son to an appointment, mowed the lawn, went to a meeting of the local historical society, cleaned the bathroom, changed the bed, took the kids to school, picked them up, e mailed people, ordered an ipod, did laundry... I think there was other stuff but I am too tired to remember now. There is already a list started for things I didn't get to today that have to be done tomorrow. But, you know what? I don't mind at all because it is so great to finally feel good again!

As I said, tonight I went to a meeting of the local historical society. I am the youngest person by about 20 years, maybe 30. They had presentation and I would like to know why anytime any group has a presentation with a computer and a projector nobody knows how to work it. There is always a problem. And there is always some guy named Bud who knows how to fix it.  Just once I would like to see someone turn it on and it works. When I was sitting down some guy came up behind me and stood about 6 inches behind me. A major infringement on my personal space. He was so close I got shivers down my back. They had a 50/50 draw which leads me to another question. Why is it when they have a 50/50 draw and call out the number the person that wins has no fucking clue that they won? They call the number. No response. They call the number again. No response. They number is called again and some twit goes, "Oh, that's me!" Whenever they draw for 50/50 I have my ticket cleaned in my fingers willing them to call my numbers but they never do. Ever. Pisses me off. 

OK, that is it. I need to have a bath and go to bed. 

Chirp

Whenever I finish my set of night shifts I feel tired and achy and about 100 years old. When I got home this morning I did sleep some but now that spring is here our neighbourhood is getting noisy. People working in their yards and on cars. It is now 7:00 and I am about to go soak in the hot tub then get my jammies on. Then, blissful sleep. 

Only got a little work in the yard done today. Dandelions. Always with the dandelions. It seems I have to resign myself to pulling them out for the rest of my life because the neighbours across the street has about 12, 837 in their yard and they blow into our yard. But I can't complain. Spring is here in fine form and tree and flowers are blooming everywhere. Birds are everywhere and very chirpy. Ah, I can't complain. My antidepressant medication is keeping the synapses connected and all the therapy is paying off. I go to bed each night with my love. Life is good. 

An Iffy Connection

It is 2:30 a.m. and I am at work with a two bar Internet connection .  Will see if it lasts while I put together a very short post.

Yes, work. Have I mentioned I love my job? I get to meet the coolest people. I could write a book on the stories I have been told.

Well, I wrote the above last night and lost connection so I just gave up. Now I am home and just woke up and getting ready to go to work and I see all sorts of new posts from all of you but I don't have time to read them. Maybe I will get online tonight.

Remember way back in December when I started a huge cross stitch? I think I will be able to finish it tonight. I just have to finish off one heart and do the bottom curvy part and a leaf. After that I have to quilt it and put a binding on it. I have never quilted anything before and have no idea how to do it. It can't be too hard and I think I can figure it out. What's the worst that can happen?

Weeds

source
Does anyone else bother to source pictures? 

More weed pulling today. Only today it was dandelions, not bluebells. The bucket was so heavy afterwards I needed two hands to lift it. That is a lot of dandelions. In our home we do not use any chemicals to kill weeds because we know the impact they have on the environment and we live across the street from a stream. Instead we pull dandelions with this tool. It works great and kind of fun. However it does not work on the bluebells because they have a bulb and not a root and are about 8 inches down. Anyway, the yard is dandelion free today but more will show up tomorrow because that is what dandelions do. Next week I am going to put a raised bed in our front yard out of scavenged bricks. 

My daughter has been having problems with her heart. Irregular heartbeat, palpitations, missing beats. She had an ECG today and now we are waiting for a heart rate monitor. I am guessing it is caused by anxiety because well...I (the anxiety queen) am raising her. 

My laptop fan is not working so I am cutting this post short. I have a small fan sitting by me to keep it cool and I am freezing! 

I should be folding laundry. I should be putting another load in the wash. There are so many things I should be doing right now but I am sleepy and just want to go to bed. Unfortunately my son went to see Captain America and I am picking him up so I have to stay up until 10:30! 10:30! I have to ask myself when 10:30 became late. Remember the days when you were just getting started at 10:30? 

Today I pulled Bluebells. They are awful little flowers that root very deeply and are invasive here. Last year and the year before I pulled them with the hopes that there would not be as many but it seems there are more now than ever. And I know everyone is going to say how beautiful bluebells are but they are not at all beautiful when there are 40 million of them and the choke out everything else except the ivy which is also invasive. 

OK, I got stuff to do so that is all for today.

New Grandparents

Well how did the hell this happen? If you don't know already I do geneology. Though I am by no means an expert I am a more advanced researcher having added hundreds of people to my tree. Though I have had considerable help on my father's maternal side I have done the other three lines on my own. (Father's paternal and mother's maternal and paternal as well as my step-father's parents.) I guess I was getting too cocky because I just found out tonight that I made a huge mistake. Remember I mentioned my father's father left when my dad was about 4? Nobody, not even his children know much about him. I did know his mother's name because I was named after her as she remained a part of our lives.  I was given a bulletin from her funereal and knew her date of birth. Tonight I realized my mistake. I have been following the wrong person! There were 2 women that had the exact same name as my great grandmother born in 1904, one in January the other in October.  Both were from Saskatchewan. Their last name was not a common one and I had never heard of it before or since. Seriously frustrating. I have to say that even though I am mad at myself for not noticing that I was following the wrong family all along it shows how geneology is incredibly fascinating and never boring. With that one mistake I now have about 50 new people to add to my tree!

Aunt Flo is visiting. Since I have been taking Magnesium citrate the pain is not as bad but I still want a hysterectomy. I am way too old for this.

Just got a call from my employer and they want me to work overtime. The money is awesome when it comes to overtime but I am tired and want to go home. Oh, well.

And here I am back at work. Remember last week when I mentioned the home I was in was making me nervous and I thought it was an apartment with drug dealers? I am caring for the same person but she was moved because the situation got really bad and one of my co-workers was threatened and 911 was called. Apparently the tenant also shoved my client. (She is 90.) We have a fabulous union backing us up and have the right to refuse unsafe work environments so service was cancelled. Because my client needs 24-hour care she was moved into an assisted living facility immediately. It makes me angry that my client had to move after living in the same apartment for 30 years and not the neighbour but isn't that the way it always is? The rights of the criminals supercede the right of law abiding citizens. Anyway, she is safe now and that is the most important thing.

The home I am in tonight is so hot! Most elderly people keep their homes on the toasty side but this is well beyond toasty. It is 25 C in here!

My days off went so fast! Even with having a list of all the things I needed to do I didn't get everything completed. I had to reassess and put them onto next week's list. Though I love working 12-hour night shifts it can be difficult to shove everything that needs to be done into my days off. Fortunately my husband does more than his fair share around the house and my kids do very well managing on their own. They have been cooking and cleaning for many years now and don't need me to help them with tasks.

Well, my Internet connection is sketchy tonight so I am going to sign off before I get kicked off again.

You can tell I am back at work because I am not able to read blogs or post like I was before. Yesterday and today were super busy with just doing stuff that can't be done when I am working.  It is weird how quickly I lost the concept of how busy my life is when I am working. Yesterday was clean the house day, go to the library and Costco and other errands. Mondays are my transition days from working nights to days off so I don't usually get up until noon. 


Today (up at 8:00) was more clean the house and going to Costco again because I bought a pillow yesterday and wanted another one. This is supposed to help with the hot flashes. I am a bit of a pillow snob because in the past I would not hesitate spending over $100.00 on a pillow. Several years ago I had whiplash and ever since then I can't sleep on a cheap pillow. Over the years I have noticed that you can now get a decent pillow for far less than I used to pay. This one was only $35.00. For that price I was not expecting it to last but this has a 5-year warranty so I thought I would give it a try.

Did I really just spend time blogging about a pillow? *sigh* 

Do you know what pisses me off? When you put something on Craigslist or Kijiji and the person doesn't show up. This has happened to us so many times! The fuck? Have we as a people devolved? (Is that a word?)

I just finished watching The Big Wedding on Netflix and I want the last 89 minutes of my life back. How can a cast of amazing actors make such a terrible movie? Did anyone like this one?

And you know what? Our high today reached 20 C! And also I am feeling so good since I upped my antidepressant medication. I am so very grateful. 

Sometimes a bath is the most delicious thing.

It is just after 2:00 a.m. and I am at work. This post is being done on a Word document and will be cut and pasted into a blog post in the morning because I do not have Internet access.  The home I am in tonight is in an apartment building and in all the time I have been doing this job I have never felt this unnerved. The patient I am caring for is not a problem at all but the building is in a bad part of town and the neighbours have their music up so loud the walls are shaking. (Fortunately, the person I am caring for is hard of hearing and sleeping soundly.) The tenants are out in the halls yelling, screaming and fighting. One of the other occupants of the building banged on the door at about 1:00 and it was quieter for about 20 minutes and now it is loud again. Who lives this way? I have no doubt this is a drug house. There is no way I am stepping foot outside the apartment. I am a little nervous. My nerves are frayed from all the noise and fighting. I tried meditating but I just could not relax so I put on some relaxation music and that is helping.

So yes, I went back to work this week. After 4 months off because of depression I am back and actually feeling quite good! I was looking forward to being back doing what I do best. I love my job! For those who are new to my blog I do palliative care (people who are actively dying) in the community for people who want to die at home. I also do respite care, which is what I am doing tonight for people who are awaiting placement into a long term care facility. For instance the person I am caring for tonight is an elopement risk, meaning she will wander off and does not have cognition to time and place. It is nice to be back even though I am in a stressful environment.  I have to add that the new thyroid medication I am on has already made a huge difference! My mind is cleared of its fog and I am feeling more energy. I am now on 2 different thyroid medications and so grateful for them.

This week I have come to the conclusion that I have to give up coffee. I have never been a huge big coffee drinker but when I want a cup I want a cup! Caffeine give me heart palpitations and hot flashes now and it takes hours to feel normal again. It was so bad the other day I had to take an Ativan to calm down. It does appear that I can go with decaf so I can still have my coffee but…well …its decaf! Harrumphf

And you know what? The music just turned off! Oh, blessed peace and quiet. Crossing my fingers that it will stay this way. There is still shouting but that BOOM BOOM BOOM has stopped.

Addendum – I spoke too soon. The music has started up again. I should not have been so silly to think that they would have stopped and gone to bed when it is only 2:30.

Added Addendum - The music went on until 4:00. My neck and back are sore from the tension. Time for bed. 

Wednesdays are such busy days and by the end of the day I am ready for bed. I have Al Anon at 12:30 then counseling at 2:00 then a support group at 7:00. There is no way anyone can say I am not trying really hard to be well.

Today I bought a new watch. So exciting! The reason I bought it is because I spend most of my day not being in the moment. I get so carried away with everything so at times I have no awareness to how I am feeling. The watch beeps at the top of the hour as a reminder to check in with myself. How am I feeling? Anxious? Tense? Happy? Sad? Angry? Tired? Lonely? Joyful? So often I just go about my day and have no idea how I feel. The problem with that is it can lead to depression and not even knowing when or how I got there. 

Yesterday Joe mentioned that he thought I was losing weight. I was losing weight when I was on Wellbutrin. It caused me so much anxiety I was sick to my stomach all the time. Now I am on Zoloft and have an appetite but I am trying to watch what I eat but I am still not losing and have almost no energy to carry out the tasks of daily living. Even though I get the basics done I still struggle with the extras like going out with friends or for a walk. I am simply too tired. You have no idea how much I want this new medication to work. Having an thyroid that does not work is a lot of problem, especially for woman. 

The restoration company was here today and they are 99% done. All they have to do now is take away some of the old stuff that was damaged during the flood. It looks very nice downstairs now. It only took 5 weeks! (sarcasm) 

This week they have a 40% off deal at Ancestry.com so I bit the bullet and bought a year membership to Ancestry World. If you want to look further into your tree this is an excellent time to do it because a yearly membership is usually $300.00 Cdn. Check it out but do it soon because it the sale ends on the 28th. I had previously had a membership but it was only for Ancestry Canada so I am really looking forward to digging into the records of England, Germany, Austria and Ireland. 

I Really Need to Use Titles

This day just whizzed by! I was up earlier than normal because I had an appointment with my doctor only to have to just sit and wait when I got there. No mind though, he is an excellent doctor and well worth the wait. He listens to me. Today he put up my Zoloft to 75 mg and also gave me an Rx for a new thyroid medication because I should not be this tired. I am so tired of being tired. My hair falls out in handfuls, I can't lose weight no matter how little I eat and my energy is super low so no exercise. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will work but I have felt tired for so many years and have tried so many things only to be disappointed. (Yes, I am being a Negative Nellie.)

Today my kids and I went to visit my sister in her new home. They got it is a foreclosure and it was a total disaster when they bought it. It took over a month just to get rid of the garbage. They needed a huge dumpster and there is still lots of garbage on the outside of the home to be dealt with. Inside, the walls had years and years of cigarette smoke caked to every surface. My sister said they had to be stripped twice and then an oil based paint to seal it. They needed to rip the entire bathroom out as well. There is still a lot of work that needs to be done but it is such a cute little house! It is only about 1200 sq. feet and will be perfect for my sister, her husband and my 2 nieces. The yard is huge and they are at the end of a cul de sac in the middle of the country. I am happy for them because they were living in a tiny 2 bedroom mobile home. 

And because I am super tired it is time for me to go to bed. I know how it will work though. In half an hour I will be wide awake and not be able to sleep. 

Has anyone read Perfect by Rachel Joyce? I started reading it last night but it hasn't grabbed me yet and I am wondering if it is worth it to keep reading.