The damn grief support group has triggered this latest episode. This week I was supposed to write a fucking letter to my mom. Seriously? I can't do that. I just can't.
Dear Mom,
The entire world has fucked up since you left. Dad is doing drugs now. You know the man that has always been a totally devoted family man? He never called me on my birthday last week or on (my son's/his grandson's) birthday this week. To be honest I don't even know where he is right now. Somewhere in California.
Since you died I don't know what to believe or think or feel. It has been 17 months and I am angry every single day. It is not even about the fact that you are dead but the ripples it created. But it is also about the fact that you are dead.
So, everyday is getting a little bit worse and I can't get the words past my throat to even tell (my husband). If you read this honey, I am going downhill really fucking fast. My panic attacks are the worst. Paralyzing. What is that all about, you ask? Well, I am going to hell because God is pissed off at me because I am a sinner. Sinners go to hell and burn for eternity. Yes, either I am going to hell or I am not but I won't know until I die and there is nothing anyone can do to convince me otherwise. Jesus hates me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
I come home from work and I lay awake in bed in fear and I cry and cry. My stomach is always hurting because it is in a knot. My shoulders and neck hurt all the time. I can't breathe for fear. My anger hums around me like a broken appliance. Always humming. Not noticed until I do and then it makes me feel like I am going to go completely mad once and for all.
Love,
Birdie
PS- How is the being dead going?
Please print out this post and take it to your doctor. That way you will ask for help. You need to ask. Now. Please.
ReplyDeleteI have emailed you using the email we used to exchange on. Not sure if you will get it as I know you changed your email and now I cannot find one for you.
ReplyDeletewhat AJ said is right, and that is a good way to ask - by taking the letter to your doctor. Do you remember when you felt this bad previously and you went away for a few days, I can't remember where it was but it helped at the time. Any chance you could get in touch with whoever runs that facility and go again? If you feel like emailing my address is still on my blog. x
I was in therapy almost 4 years. And on antidepressants most of my life. I think you need medical help like I got because the dog doesn't just go away. There are techniques to make it leave. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteLet me assure you that you are not going to burn in hell for all eternity.
ReplyDeleteNow, having said that, I don't know the answers but I do know that you can't just keep going on with this deep darkness. THIS is hell. You have to keep trying with another doctor or another therapist. You are not a sinner and you do not deserve this hell. Not one bit of it.
The most important thing is to clear away and resolve the grief and anger flowing from your Mom's death. I hope you can do this with the grief counseling group and other therapy. It will make the sun shine again for you, I know it will.
ReplyDeleteSweet Birdie, what people say here about taking this letter to a therapist sounds like a good idea to me. Emotional pain is so all consuming, so blinding, it colors the way we see everything. I know so well. So do call a therapist dear one. Talking and processing that way can help so much.
ReplyDeleteI was angry for most of my life. I still get angry sometimes but I know now that I'm not so much angry as I am sad. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to miss your mom. It will pass. Your thoughts are only that, thoughts. They are not facts, just thoughts. Look at them. Let them go. They will come again and let them go again. It will get easier. It will get better.
ReplyDeleteDo you write? In a journal. I hope so. That helps as well as the meds and the talk therapy.
tough love advice coming from me today Birdie...if your mom is able to read this letter it would make her very very sad and she deserves more than these angry words. Do whatever you need to do to get a grip on things...
ReplyDeleteBirdie, ask for help!
ReplyDeleteIts the only way.
We all had been angry and down at times but if you don't ask they don't know.
Don't assume that we, they or whom ever is around you know knows anything.
Ask, explain, tell...please
Well my dear girl you certainly have a way with words, it was fairly spitting them out!! I am sad that you feel so low, and that so far you have not asked for help, but I think that you must, and very quickly show the doctor what you have been writing and get some thing sorted, you cannot keep going like this, you are in a terrible place, and you need to get out.!!.. Of course you are not going to hell, and of course you are right that you feel let down by your dad.. he is grieving too, and as all men, finding a way that might be destructive trying to deal with the loss of your mother.... so, take a deep breath, eat what you like, forget the diet for the moment, you get back to that another time... getting out of these ditches is hard though... I always find getting busy helps to deafen the noise of depression... and also helping others instead might do the same... Gosh I wish I lived closer to talk to you , but like all your other blog friends, we hope that you get this black dog off your tail pronto!!!! hugs as always, Janzi
ReplyDeleteListen to you friends,Birdie...
ReplyDeleteSave yourself...and your kids...
Actually....why are you so angry? ...
Perhaps the answer lies there...
Thinking of you...
Linda :o)
dear birdie,
ReplyDeletei am new to your blog - had planned on going back thru the archives, start at the beginning. but this post touched me so deeply, i just had to reach out.
you are not GOING to hell - EVER. you are hurting badly, and are in hell on earth. the waves of profound grief at the loss of your mom, on top of your dad are doing a good job of knocking you down - down for the count. it is exhausting, hard to breathe, hard to live. the physical pain is excruiating because your body is trying tell you that you cannot move forward until you have relief and some one tells you how in the fuck you can stand up with the weigth of all you are carrying on your shoulders, in your heart, and in your gut.
GET HELP ASAP. keep writing and reaching out, too. you have so many people who care about and love you.
Honey...I don't even know what to say. All I can say is, embrace the way you are feeling. Don't let anyone tell you that it is not okay to feel the way you are feeling. It IS ok. It's perfectly ok.
ReplyDeleteJust try not to feel it forever. Do your best to move past it when you are ready. Your mom would want you to.
You have support my love xoxox
Birdie,
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself. I am sorry about your double loss. It seems your dad has pulled the plug on family life, and that is sad.
I wish you could come to my meditation group and take in the wisdom of my Buddhist teacher. He is so good at teaching us to breathe deeply, to accept what is--even if "what is" is our deep disgust for our circumstances. Your heart deserves peace. I hope you find it.
I agree with AJ. I've been there, and the longer you wait, the worse it feels.
ReplyDeleteGet help and it will get better. I promise.
Hi. I don't know all of your history cuz I'm pretty new to your blog. But please go to the doctor and ask for help. Antidepressants or ativan or something. Maybe you need to talk one on one with a counselor instead of with this grief group? And you know what? Jesus LOVES you girl! He really does. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI have teetered on the edge of the pit. I have teetered there for too long in very real danger of falling, irrevocably, irretrievably falling. PLEASE, please ask for help. It is too big to do on your own. We will be cheering you on.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the ‘stupid cow’. I used to call myself that all the time when the black dog was choking the life out of me. It’s affectionate, really.
ReplyDeleteYou're having the "Perfect Storm" of emotions right now. Let's break it down...
ReplyDeleteYou're in your 40s. (Anxiety-provoking)
Your mom is dead. (Sadness-provoking)
Your dad's being a floudering arse. (Anger/sadness-provoking)
It's winter in Canada. (Insanity-provoking)
So. You're having some very uncomfortable feelings. No wonder you feel like you're sinking into the pits of hell. (You won't, by the way, and if you do, you'll have great company as I'm sure to go there too.)
You did write a letter to your mom. Just because it wasn't a fricken Hallmark card doesn't mean that it is less valid. It's how you feel. It's okay to have feelings. Frick, I feel like a total maniac a good percentage of my life, and it's okay. As long as I don't start kicking little kids or pulling the whiskers off the cat, it will be okay.
It will be okay.
A pill won't take away your problems, it will just freeze your feelings a bit so that you can cope with them a little better. Take them or don't, it's okay. You will get through the other side of these feelings eventually. The sun will come out. The birds will sing. You'll feel light of heart again. You just have to ride it out. Like surfing or labour or a bad case of the shits.
Take care of you. Go to YouTube and watch videos of babies laughing. Better than a pill any day. ((((HUGS))))
Birdie, Just ask your husband or your doctor to read this post.
ReplyDeleteEverything ok over there???
ReplyDeleteThinking of you...
Linda
This is an absolutely amazing letter.
ReplyDeleteThis is an absolutely amazing letter.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs.
ReplyDelete